Monday, October 8, 2012

Alright Everybody Take a HIKE !

  First must say, I am not referring to anyone here when I say take a hike.

  I love my neighbourhood.  I really do. It reminds me of the neighbourhood I grew up in the 70s/80s.  People who know your kids AND you.  People who go away for a week and leave you the keys to their second car.  We spend Christmas Eves together- my family is far away, so it is nice to be part of other people's.  We throw BBQs, have HUGE Canada  Day celebrations, complete with games and fireworks. Have street dances.  You get the picture.  At the risk of sounding self congratulatory, the heart of the neighbourhood is me.  It was me who got the ball rolling years ago.  Others have since followed suit.  Our house has an open door/swinging door- um not the way Mick described it in his post. I am from a long line of social butterflies.  It is deep seated in my DNA.

Growing up, my older brothers and sisters attended schools in town that had borders.  It was not uncommon to have girls/boys from Mexico, or Jamaica sitting at our dining room table because they couldn't go home for the holidays. My mother would always say,   " Just another potato in the pot."  I like that. I really do. 

 Only this morning I don't.  Although some things have become quite frequent this week...with Barney and myself, I find myself detached today.  I KNOW in my heart, it is most likely because I can no longer seem to sleep anymore...ARGH, why couldn't I have been afflicted with this 'condition' when my kids were all under 5 ! I know part of it is because I'm annoyed that Barney has NO problem sleeping.  I shouldn't begrudge him that, he works very long hours- although this actually doesn't seem to change due to his work schedule.
  We have a wonderful neighbour, who was in truth a friend of Barney's and eventually of mine before we moved here to this neigbhourhood.  I'll call him Gazoo. As wonderful as Gazoo is, seriously giving you the shirt off his back before you even realize you need it, he has 2 personalities.  The 'great one' and then the one that he tends to let out when it is only he and I -but save that thought for another post-  This weekend  he had supervised visits , as Barney was home at night. Barney doesn't get to spend much time with Gazoo, so he welcomes the visits.


  We really did have a great time this weekend - ( both nights he was here).  Gazoo has a great memory and was reminding us of hilarious stories from when he first met me. One of which was that he thought Barney was going to get arrested because he thought I was much younger than I was -  (sadly those days are gone)!  So what's the problem then ?  I mean after Gazoo left the night before last Barney and I were still  able to  read emails, chalked full of encouraging words for us and figuring out  ttwd.
 
The problem is that I am sitting here alone, thinking too much I suppose.  Something I have always done- analyze, think it over, question, get paranoid, analyze it again, beat it with a stick, repeat- If  I wasn't bad enough before, I seem to be plagued by this endless loop more  lately. I really want to go outside for a hike, and I know that this will be a slow process to get the 'men' of this house actionized. So I am assessing instead why I feel...or perhaps more appropriately WHAT I feel istead of rallying the troups
 
As it is a holiday weekend around here life tends to get in the way.  I wasn't expecting to talk about dd all weekend, or at all really.  I was expecting, I suppose for the gentle touches to continue. More importantly, I was hoping that what has been in me this past month would hold strong.
 
Since last week, the Great Divide which was the middle of our bed, as been dissolved.  I turn toward Barney even in my sleep.  Where I used to complain he was on MY side of the bed, I have clearly begun  invading HIS . Last night I had no desire to venture ALL that way.
 
I imagined that Thanksgiving dinner would be 'easy for me' temperament wise this year, because it only consisted of us 5, ( we are often joined by Gazoo and his kids, as his wife works as many off hours as Barney).  It wasn't. There were many contributing factors, mostly because I was tired, from socializing with Gazoo and Barney the night before, and because I am a perfectionist- albeit in the laziest form.  By the time Barney started to carve the bird, a task I reluctantly relinquished a few years ago, I was about to lose my composure. It took everything in my not to push him aside and do it myself.  Measure twice cut once doesn't extend to turkeys FYI Barney ! <+ See what I mean ! Wilmazilla!
 
Gazoo was by again last night, and we went through countless photos on my laptop while listening to music.  Basically we were laughing at how crazy our neighbourhood is, and having a great time.  After he left, Barney decided to go to bed.  I stayed up. He didn't ask, I didn't offer.

 The Take a Hike comment comes into play when I reflect on why I am distancing. I think it is because, although I had a great time with Gazoo, I am blaming him for weaselling himself into our little bubble we were  just starting to create.  Only that is not right. We invited him in.  We had a great time.  Other people in our lives shouldn't dictate how we feel or act towards each other.   I suppose one could argue I was getting back into Wilma's HoH shoes, and Barney didn't feel like gentle touches, as Wilma the HoH slays dinosaurs !
 
You know what...I think I am the one who needs to take a Hike!
   
  

9 comments:

  1. Hi Wilma :)
    Okay, I know exactly what you are feeling.
    I remember it well and still experience it, but it was especially acute after beginning dd.
    I sort of thought of it as a honeymoon for our dd life. Ian and I were just starting, I felt vulnerable and ashamed (don't know why, but I did) and he felt unsure of himself. We needed a lot of time together, alone just to hold each other with out talking.
    And of course, with talking, which we didn't really do.
    Your company intruded on that a little, of course without knowing, but still it is an intrusion.
    You are working with your children in the home during your dd honeymoon and along comes someone else.
    Normally, and I am the same way, the more the merrier and can always find another space a the table even if two of the kids have to sit on the piano bench. It is also the way I was raised.
    This is a special time for you and Barney. You need each other, don't feel bad about wanting that, and be thankful that you feel that way. Many people after 15 years of marriage want to do anything but be together.

    The distancing you are talking about, I think is normal. For me, the first few months of dd saw me swinging wildly between submissive and then periods of clawing back power in the relationship. It settles down, and recognizing it is really important.
    When you can do that, it took me a while, I have a little chat with myself (I am not suggesting you should do this, but it helps me). I reason that if it is submission I seek, then reaching out to Ian when I feel less submissive is a more precious act of that submission. Does that make sense?
    If I don't want to submit and I can do it because I have chosen this life, and physically reach out for his embrace, and let him know I am submitting to him - that is a true act of submission.
    Geez - I hope that makes sense....if it doesn't email me and I will try and compose my thoughts.......I have too many irons in the fire today, I guess.
    Take care,
    best to Barney

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  2. Thanks Lillie. Your words as always are comforting. You make perfect sense. I think a great majority of what I am feeling is due to the fact that I am so bloody tired. When Barney finally got up today, he found me and said, " Hey I didn't get my hug today". It was forced, on my part. I am not angry with him I just want to be alone. I know that turning to them is what we are supposed to do at times like this.
    Perhaps part of it is because we haven't really started yet and I am unsure. Not of what I want, or how I think we should get there. Just unsure of, well Barney and his ability to take this on. I know that feeling is unfair to him. That I should give him my confidence in his abilities to take this on, because that in turn will help him out with his confidence. Like I said in my post, I suppose 'doing' Thanksgiving yesterday had me in Sergent mode in order to get it done, and I stayed in that mode even after Barney got home. We had so much fun around the dining room table last night. I can't remember the last time the boys and I laughed so much. Inevitably though I _had_ to clean up the kitchen, even though Barney had explicitly said I was not to do it - that he was going to. I let him enjoy History 101 with our oldest while I puttered. There was no reason for it to be done that second, _I_ just had to do it. Having a hard time figuring out what to do, and what to relinquish as far as decisions go.
    Hopefully more structure will come this week, ( as well as sleep) and things will be easier for me.
    I didn't mean to invade upon your Thanksgiving. Enjoy. Don't pull out any of your irons from the fire to use as weapons. The second helping of turkey is not worth it.
    Looks like we are finally going to head out for that walk. Much to the dismay of my oldest. Should be relaxing,a brewing Wilma on a bush walk with a reluctant teenager! Wish me luck!

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    1. Oh sorry how selfish of me. Happy Thanksgiving to Ian also !

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  3. Hi Wilma :) I can relate to having trouble sleeping. I've always gone through periods of insomnia. I know when I haven't had enough sleep for several nights in a row, I start going off the rails a little bit, lol! Just getting a good nights sleep can really cure what ails you sometimes. Also, even though holidays are joyous, they are also really stressful! I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and seeing the family/friends, but.......it really is a lot of work! Then of course, we start feeling guilty for feeling that way. Isn't it supposed to be just like those Hallmark movies? I like what Lillie said, turn to Barney. Especially when you don't think you want to! I hope your hike was fun. Besides, exercise and fresh air can help you sleep!

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  4. Thanks Cowgirl! OMG the hike ! It started off bad...Thank GAWD Barney isn't in HoH mode yet. YIKES! We decided to go a little further away to this lake, the directions were wrong, ( apparently, I didn't double check) so we went off course. Talk about busy! Who would have thought on a beautiful holiday Monday when they said in the newspaper that the leaves would be at their peak, that the Park would be busy. LOL ! I am NOT a huge fan of crowds, especially in Nature of all things! So the beginning part of the journey was full of me *trying* to be reasonable. I gave up. Lots of eye rolling, under my sunglasses, visual deep breaths, and bridge of nose grabbing. Oh yeah, Hat trick! ( Sorry Hockey reference).

    Eventually I was able to relax...then oldest boy's allergies start acting up, middle boy starts 'cracking' his water bottle, youngest boy can't stay to one side of the trail. I just started taking nature photos. Deep breaths. Barney then took my hand for a bit, but I still wasn't feeling it.
    I think my skin is just too tight today that is all. I can sense poor Barney walking on egg shells. I mentioned that I was tired, and he said, yeah me too. I wanted to whip my mashed potatoes at him. Nine hours sleep-boy is tired!
    I do feel better after the walk though, (isn't that obvious?). LOL. Man I sound like a Royal _itch today! I guess you all know what would probably make me feel better, at least the HoHs out there...Perhaps you're right. I swear I am not doing this on purpose.
    This self examination stuff is BRUTAL ! Sorry CG I got kind of carried away. Seems to be my theme today.

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  5. Hi Wilma. I know where you are at. When Moose and I started I felt like it was all I could think about. It was very consuming. I was either talking to Moose about dd, reading blogs about dd, or having a crying melt down. It was a miserable time for me. Moose was a few steps behind and it was so tough. I decided I needed to take a step back and when I did things smoothed out. Moose got to the same place ...sort of...that I was and I got it back together emotionally.

    During the first weeks I followed Moose around like a lost puppy. (He always has has outside projects going on and he likes it when I come out and help him or just keep him company.). I just needed to be with him....all the time. I also moved over to his side of the bed. I had kicked him out of my side. I always get hot and he is like a furnace, but I just had to snuggle. Then I got mad and hurt when he was busy with other things.

    Dd is hard with kids in the house. Give yourself some time and some slack....andd some sleep. It's a challenging time when you are trying to get dd going. I'm glad your walk helped you feel better!! I hope you have a good week!!

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  6. Thanks for taking the time.
    I just can't believe how I am actually cross-examining myself ! I'm not so worried about Barney 'catching up', he has been dropping hints, not during 'peek' times, but in calm moments. So I know he is thinking...... that could be a slow process. I am not actually looking forward to being punished. I've read enough about that to know better!
    Honestly, I read how women said how they changed and thought, okay, that's good. I didn't think it would happen so fast. Not the behaving part, but the tears, the guilt,( something I was beginning to think I forgot how to feel) and all of this when it is still essentially one sided. I suppose it is 1 1/2 sided, as Barney knows the game plan so we're further ahead than a few weeks ago.
    I guess if I need to find a positive today, it is that Barney saw a Wilma he doesn't want to surface. A little reminder that life isn't the unicorns and rainbows it has been since I started 'practicing'.

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  7. I found you! Thanks for leaving us a comment. I'll be back to read more. My battery is 1 minute from dying...

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  8. Hi Susie!
    You found me? LOL it makes it sound like I was hiding. I love reading your blog, and have been lurking for months, upon months.
    I look forward to your comments, as I enjoy reading them on other blogs!

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