Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I Have Earned the Right to the Secret Handshake!

Dealing with the Bloodbath Aftermath of Yesterday.


Before I begin, I really must thank each and every one of you for your encouraging comments and wonderful, caring emails.  It means more than you will every know- well I guess most have you have been 'there' so you do know how an internet caress can warm your soul even when you are in such a dark place. J


Yesterday, for various reasons, some of which I have expanded upon, and some I have not, the ‘promised spanking’ from Saturday did not occur.  Was I disappointed? Yes but not because I actually wanted my butt set on fire, but because I thought this would be a giant step closer to our Dd relationship.  I, by no means thought that we would just be skipping along into full fledged Dd after it, that is for sure.  Was I surprised that it didn’t happen, not really.

After my post yesterday, after the cloud of sadness settled over me, something else happened.  Something I am not proud of, and I am not even sure how it happened.  Barney and I were discussing, well I’m not even sure if discussing is the correct term here-anyway I felt he was portraying an attitude of ‘ Well tomorrow’s another day…..”

I actually lost it!  Even Defiant Debbie went into hiding! Insert Wilmazilla Dragon Lady!  I apologize once again for those who read this in private emails, but here goes-  I stomped out of the room, ( for the record, as an adult I have NEVER done that), I ‘placed’ things down NOT so gently.  I scoured the kitchen ( okay, well that is not such a bad thing): I slammed doors.  I made excuses to go into which ever room Barney was in to pick a fight.  I won’t go on, but trust me I did go on, and on and ON !  I have no flippin’ idea who this woman was, but if I never see her again it will be too soon.

I pushed, Barney for the initial part remained calm.  I expressed that I thought it was cruel and unfair to say he was going to act 2 days before, hint at it throughout the weekend and then circumvent the situation, ( there was also something that couldn’t be helped that stopped yesterday from progressing) so it didn’t come into play.  He apologized.  That should have been the end of it.  Only I wouldn’t let it go?  WTFrig?

As time went on, Barney tried to subdue the situation. He became HoH.  He stepped up!  I, as I said to others, STEPPED over.  Talk about sending mixed signals Wilma!  I in short was horrible.  Sure I was disappointed, but I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that, why did I feel it was alright to treat the man I love that way?

I retreated to our bedroom for HOURS.  Seriously hours.  I lay there and let the tears fall on and off.  I read blogs.  I didn’t sob like I did a few weeks ago, but there was such an anger in me.  I didn’t know why, and I still don’t now.  Perhaps it was protecting me from the hurt? 

I read a quote from a prayer that had been reblogged several times.  I am not sure if this is the direct quote, but for my purpose it is close enough

“ Allow me to be an asset to Him, not a hindrance

Well that started the tears to fall.  I looked at my actions, heard my words of the day.  I heard Barney’s aswell.  I was most definitely not an asset today I thought. I felt I had failed him, my boys, our journey, our marriage-myself.  Do I still feel that way today?  Well I’m not proud of myself, that is for sure.  Unlike other ‘meltdowns’ I have had recently, I couldn’t find the value in this one.  How it would make us stronger on the other side?  I could only see the damage I created in its wake.

So for the first time in a long time I prayed.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m Catholic, born and bred.  I’ve prayed,

 ( Hmmm?  side note here, I wonder if Barney will consider Mass as part of my excercise routine- there is a great deal of standing, to sitting, to kneeling?)


 I say a simple prayer every night before going to bed, “ Thank you God for another day”.  But I never pray for myself- well outside of silly things like, Oh God don’t let me drop this…not really a prayer.  I too, believe that you should never pray for a specific outcome. So my prayer yesterday ?-

 “ Please help me see the answers even though I have no idea what the question is”

Hey- I figure HE created me, He knows how my mind works or doesn’t, perhaps He’ll understand the prayer, because I certainly didn’t.

For the rest of the day/night I was continually drawn back to the two trees outside my bedroom window blowing in the wind.  It was most surreal to be honest.  I was mesmerized by them.

The one tree is a maple, a sugar maple I believe.  It began to grow the first summer we moved in to our home, just beyond our backyard.  It came from a maple key, not a sapling we bought.  I cultivated that tree for many years, protected it- even asked Barney to expand our garden’s retaining wall around that tree to protect it in its early years.   The tree is now as tall as our house.  It is a beautiful tree, but it is not that strong.  It has lost limbs in storms. It has a huge crack down it’s trunk from one such incident.  The tree is almost naked now due to the time of year.  I watched as one leaf flapped in the wind.  I was cheering for it to hang on.  I then realized that it needed to fall.  That was the cycle for this tree.  In order for it to complete its change for the next season, no leaves should be on the tree because the branches aren’t designed to hold the leaves and the snow.  It needs to be naked to winter the winter.  But even naked, the tree holds a different kind of beauty.  You can see its lacy branches swaying in the breeze.  In some ways it is way more interesting to look at without its leaves.

The second tree, is perhaps one of my favourite trees.  It is a huge, majestic, red pine.  My neighbour can’t stand it because it drops needles in the summer, and can kill the grass if you don’t rake away the dead fall.  I LOVE it.  I love the smell of the dead needles when the summer sun heats them up. I told my neighbour that if she was going to figure out a way for the city to cut it down, I would chain myself to it.  I meant every word!  This tree remains constant, yet in every season there is a different reason to love it.  In the summer my boys have spent many hours climbing it, ( okay, I don’t love the sap that gets on their clothes,but that has never once made me tell them to get down).  In the fall when the dew gets heavier or the frost hits, in the early morning it looks like Tinkerbell has sprinkled her fairy dust on it.  And in the winter! –when all the memories of the beautiful maple leaves of the fall have left everyone’s mind, there the red pine stands strong, proudly holding mountains of snow on its bows.  Looking every bit like a Christmas card.  

The contrast between the two trees in the full moonlight last night was startling.  I actually wouldn’t have been able to see the full beauty of my lacy maple, if the red pine was not situated behind it.  The maple wildly blew in the breeze, creaking as it did. I kept thinking how I was happy not to be near it as a whip from a maple branch really stings.  The red pine swayed, almost danced in the wind.  Its main branches are strong, but the smaller branches that holds the needles are finer. When you pull back the branches of a red pine, they do strike, but there really isn't a sting to it. They are designed to sway and outstand any storm, regardless of the season.

So it obviously don’t take a genius to see that these two trees I was drawn to last night, two trees that have been together almost as long as Barney and I, represented us.  OR it doesn’t take a genius to know that I spent more time standing next to the guy at the party Saturday night self medicating for his glaucoma than I should have!

So that was the answer I sought out to the question I didn’t know I was asking?  Who knows.  It did make me ponder.  Make me feel a little better.  It finally gave me the ability to sleep.

Before my moonlight reflection of the trees, Barney had come to find me around 3 am.  I was ironing due to the fact that I couldn’t sleep.  He thought I was ironing because I was concerned that the power was going to go out.  LOL.  I’m not that good of a submissive!  He came to apologize.  I felt awful.  I felt I wasn’t deserving of his apology.  I told him perhaps he wasn’t’ ready, and that was okay. 

This morning he was ready! Yup.  It happened.  His reason was for the way I haven’t been taking care of myself which is part of our rules.  Not because of yesterday, or Friday’s disrespect.  I kind of figured he would find a way for it to be about me, more than him. ( So did anyone have that in the pool?)


  He left nothing to chance today.  He took action within half an hour of the last kid to leave for school  I actually have some slight bruising to show for it, much to Barney’s dismay.  I kind of figure that would happen, due to the technique applied, and because any part of me that is not tanned, is WHITE!!! I bruise quite easily.  I bruise easily and have a high tolerance to pain, so yeah…Anyway, I’m not upset about it.  He’s coming to grips.  I don’t think he is horrified by it.  In fact later in the morning while I was getting dressed for the 3 time ( ahem!) he was across the room looking at me, I said,

“You know, it really isn’t that bad.  I mean I can feel it, and there are a few welts, but its okay”

His response.

“ You have a really nice butt” 

I burst out laughing!

OMFREAKING GAWD!!  

 “What?I like your butt! I always have”

  Yeah, he’s coming to grips alright!

We talked about it after.  About how perhaps things could change regarding it<- just shoot me now- spanking tips given by the spankee to the spanker…like I’m not going to regret that one!

We also talked about other ways to show dominance.  My biggest desire, NON sexual touching.  I mean don’t get me wrong, the other is nice too, but he’s mastered that one in the past month, trust me!  

So Cowgirl, if you have had a stolen minute to yourself and are lurking around, you can show me that secret handshake now!

29 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you both, Wilma!
    SEE! What did I tell you.....Ian was exactly the same way.
    They love your butt, soon you'll get the speech about how it was made perfectly to be spanked.
    Be careful about directions.....remember batting practice, but it is also important to communicate, but be careful you don't "direct" Barney, if you want him to grow into the role.
    Get yourself some comfy yoga pants and one of those cushions Cat had on her blog recently and you are good to go.
    love ya,
    lillie

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    1. Yeah, yeah, you told me! *wink*

      No I wasn't directing him by any means, I was just informing him 'apparently' why I bruised is all. It was all good. He initiated the conversation. Well I did actually say once that he hit too high, which he did, and I wasn't going to let that happen again- batting practice or not!

      As for the pants, and cushion, well sitting is okay, it is just moving after I haven't for a while that is 'reminding'..Well that and other 'dominating' actions...sigh.

      Thanks again for last night.

      Love ya too!

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  2. So glad it finally worked out. Beware the loosed dragon. LOL

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    1. Yes, the old careful what you wish for. LOL

      Thanks for your continued support Sunny!

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  3. Congrats Wilma! I'm so happy everything worked out for the two of you. TTWD is definitely a tricky thing but so rewarding.
    Best wishes to the both of you.
    Emma

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting Emma!

      We're so new at this thing, we've definitely seen how tricky it can be, and we've read how it can get trickier. We have also felt some of the rewards.

      Rewards is NOT the feeling I would describe right now though!! lol.

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  4. Congratulations! Ahem....I think?
    It is great when that first time happens, it is done and over with and now you can move on to growing.
    Not to spoil your party, but remember this stuff seems to work in a stop/start motion in the beginning. Kind of like trying to learn how to drive a stick shift car. It takes a while to learn just how much pressure to apply to the gas while you let up on the clutch. You are likely to stall out a lot. : ) Just remember, just as much as you are getting jerked around in this car getting whiplash, so is he.
    Look at that, I am giving advise like I really have this stuff down. Don't I wish! LOL!
    ((((Hugs))))

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    1. FYI Blue Bird...neither of us can drive a stick...now what? lol

      By the sounds of it no one ever quite gets this stuff down, otherwise Dd blog land would just be a bunch of amateurs drifting around.

      Thanks for the hugs!

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  5. Hi Wilma.....I am cracking up here...we are all eager to cheer and congratulate you because you got a spanking....we are all seriously loony ;)

    No, I am HAPPY for you...as crazy as that sounds. I knew he would get there...these things just take time.

    As far as the bruising goes....I still bruise, just not as easily. Your poor little hiney will toughen up in time. Ryan felt HORRIBLE the first time it happened....now he is like, "Well if you would learn to behave yourself blah, blah, blah."

    As far as the secret handshake that Cg suggested....I really don't know. The closest thing I can think of is the little dance I do when I hop off of his lap and began furiously rubbing my behind ;)

    Have a GREAT night friend....oh, and behave yourself!

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    1. You know I was seriously thinking that when I wrote this post! How everyone was going to be happy...and then next time, sympathy..lol

      As for behaving myself..pah, NOOOOOOOOOOOO problem!

      Happy Halloween my Girl!

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  6. I think that the secret handshake has to do with touching your bottom after a spanking and feeling the heat (and whatever else you might feel).Lol

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    1. Blondie!!! Whatever do you mean ? Whatever else 'you might feel' Now I have two sets of pink cheeks! lol

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  7. Love the prayer...Catholic too! I am glad you are able to figure out how things work for you both. Sounds as if you both are good.

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    1. Well Welcome Minelle!

      Loved the prayer did ya? I still have to run the church workout by Barney.

      We've been kind of giggling about my discomfort today. I guess that is not the point, but for now, it is how we are dealing...lol

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  8. Hi Wilma, yay ! I am soo happy for you, you wait he'll soon be watching every move you make. Bless him. I told my husband about you this morning and we talked today, i cant wait to tell him your news!! Be good , love Jan

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    1. Be good...well I had to go into the kitchen to free hand a pumpkin gone wrong stencil...which may or may not have led to a tinier four letter word...to which I got a look...I was like, Ah, c'mon, I heard you drop a bomb in here, and I have to clean up your artistic mess! lol..
      He just laughed and commented about how stupid the pumpkin stencils were. Typical kids start them and then ditch them!

      Hey, I'm kinda flattered I made your morning news report and your dinner one too! Although maybe next time it will not be about my harvest moon!

      So when are you going to start a blog up Jan?

      Poke. Poke
      Willie

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  9. I've clearly missed a few posts...giant mean storm...but I think I catch the basic drift of what happened. I won't say much knowing I don't have the full story but my husband has told me that I have behaved very differently since Dd. Both good and bad. Some of those terrible, awkward, never had before outbursts have happened here too and in the end (heh) they have been a good thing. This way of life brings up emotions that we used to hide deep and wide so to speak. TTWD gets us in touch with them in a totally new way and they come out. Yeah, Barney is on his own huge learning curve so it's complicated, but I honestly think it's good that you are learning to just let it all out and come to terms with yourself.

    I'm glad you had your reckoning. There's nothing quite like one of those to clear the air, bring back the closeness and well...make him appreciate your backside in a whole new way. :)!

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    1. Hey Susie...I hope you are well in your storm. I have to selfishly admit that when I first read this, I thought you were talking about MY emotional storm...so self absorbed I am! We are just East of the storm, so it has only been very windy in our neck of the woods. Not even the rain they called for.

      I am so happy that you told me you behaved both good and bad differently since Dd. I was expecting the good, thought about the bad, but had NO idea I was capable of such behaviour. Barney on the other hand didn't seem to think it was THAT bad considering the circumstances...I'm not complaining!

      I didn't feel a reckoning at first I have to be honest. I was concerned for Barney. It did hurt like the dickens though ! So that is what we talked about. I let him rub my back, but I didn't feel the need to be comforted. I was fine, not angry, not sad..just fine. I lay there for him, I was ready to start my day! I was a little SHOCKED at the sight of my backside! That colour quickly disappeared..most of it...phew! Not sure why he found that time to comment! lol

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  10. Ummmm Congratulations!?? So happy to hear that things are working out for the two of you.

    I think Lucy Lou is right - we are all loonytunes but that's ok, we're in good company. BTW, I am going to remind you of this post when you post about how he has stepped up and really found his HoH vibe. ;) Behave yourself!

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Remind me of this post? You're going to have to try and beat Lillie to it I'm afraid!

      Yeah, I know you all have the crystal balls, but I am still at the hard to believe stage. Ignorance is bliss I suppose :)

      Thanks Cat!

      Delete
  11. I am glad it worked out, Wilma. I hope CG is lurking and if so then I want to say Hi. Blondies' idea of the secret handshake sounds pretty good to me:)

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  12. Hey Naughty P.

    I hope Cowgirl is lurking too. I miss her comments! I was so looking forward to see what the handshake was :)

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  13. Hi Wilma, I'll add my congratulations - yep, we must all be mad LOL

    Seriously, I'm glad it worked out, the first one is a big hurdle to jump. Ditto Cat :)

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  14. Hey Roz.

    Happy Halloween!

    I didn't need the comments on this post to convince me most of you were mad *wink*. That's why I like you all so much.

    Big hurdle- I think so too. Now we'll wait to see what interesting things life has in store. In some ways today I am a little more unsure :)

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  15. Wilma,
    I just found your blog tonight and I love it. My husband and I started DD just three months ago and we are going through many of the same things you and Barney are experiencing. I have my own blog-in-the-making as well, actually. :)

    I have found that this community works so well together, so friendly, fun and incredibly supportive. I learn so much from the posts and the comments are so insightful,too!

    Your posts and sense of humor resonate with me. Thank you so much for writing about your experience, It's great finding the community of like-minded people with the same goals for marriage. I just wanted to let you know that you have had a positive impact on me, and to say hello.

    ~H.


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    1. Wow H. I'm not sure what to say. I am flattered to say the least.

      Before I forget, because if you've read my blog, you know enough that I have a tendency, on occassion, to go on and on, that you HAVE to email me when you get your blog up and running.

      Also it helps if you have a name in mind to start signing with it from now on, even under anonymous. That way once you have your blog going people will know you from your comments. _I_ didn't do that. My old comments on other blogs are signed C. I mention this because I was a lurker for so long, that once people started to find my blog, and comment, I felt like I knew them, but they didn't know me! Now sometimes I wonder if they still wish they didn't know me *wink*

      I can't imagine how I could possibly have a positive impact on you, but I'll take it! Not too mention, that thinking back, I think I sound like Whiny Wilma...lol

      Having a good couple of days over here. Hope the same can be said for you. Start your blog soon, as you can see the women, and men here are so fantastic with helping. And that is just the comments you see, once you find a few you feel comfortable with, most will take your emails and help you in private too!

      PLEASE keep in touch and keep commenting H. I so look forward to getting to know you. Us newbies like company!


      Willie

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  16. Wilma,
    You just made me get teary-eyed! Thank you so much form the thoughtful reply!

    I must think of a name for me and this blog. Wish I could just sign-in under my Google, but that would certainly wreak some havoc! ;)

    I will let you know when the blog is launched, thank you! Just several posts sitting around, feeling unproductive, waiting for me.

    ~H.


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    1. You can create a seperate Google account. Actually I think what I did was click on CREATE BLOG up top of someone else's Blog to create mine. Then over time you can alter it. Actually you can sign up as a blogger without a blog..so you can comment and take your time with the blog stuff.

      Choose wisely with your name! TRUST me, this is coming from WILMA<- blech! and I'm sure BARNEY loves it too, OH so masculine/feminine. Granted that was the idea, at first, but I should have just made that a post about our characters, not our BLOG names! lol

      Delete
    2. Huh...I just realized H that my comment about you being teary eyed didn't show up. Makes me kind of look like a cold fish, not commenting on that.

      Teary eyed, sound about right for a newbie in ttwd. I, of course, you have read, NEVER cry. *WINK* sniff, sniff.

      So H has started a blog account lurkers. Keep tabs with her soon!


      Elisa Will elisaswill@gmail.com

      Thank you for your words of encouragement! My new blog (haven't uploaded posts yet) is "Elisa's Will" on Blogger. You are so right about feeling like you know people who don't know you, so I bit the bullet and here I am. :)

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