Friday, October 19, 2012

I Took Back My Consent Today

 I Didn't Have To But I felt I should


I ended our Dd arrangement today.  As I walked down the street in the pouring rain, it was the only thing that made sense to me.   With every footstep I took, I heard the same words over and over again in my head.  How could I ask my husband to change into someone he is not?  How could I be so incredibly selfish? Yes we drifted apart, to room mates, but the emotional issues are mine.  It is not his fault I'm locked up tighter than a drum.  Well maybe together we got to this point, but the fact still remains, to be an HOH would require him to be someone he is not.  The words I kept hearing- " This guy, is not the guy you married".

  Perhaps I should back this up to the beginning.  Last night I wrote Barney a letter, (yes Wilma and her letters).  I tried oh so hard to be respectful.  I tried to use " I " statements not "you" statements like we were taught in our marriage prep. course almost 2 decades ago.  I knew the letter was not going to go over well.  I tried to explain how I have been feeling this past week.  I failed.  Why?-because I didn't exactly know how I felt this week.  Something was definitely off.  This really wasn't about maintanance.  Although I suppose it got me thinking, I'm learning this is not always a good thing.

Barney read his letter after a long night at work, also so incredibly selfish of me not to wait until the morning.  When he came to bed he stayed on his side for a good long while.  Eventually he moved next to me, but only briefly.  Then the Great Divide was definitely back. 

This morning he wanted to talk to me, not specifically about the letter's contents, but it was clear he was upset.  He was almost angry.  He'll later tell me he was frustrated and angry with himself, but at the time I'm not so sure.  Lots of things were said, mostly about himself, nothing really about me.  Just how he wanted to give me what I needed.  He wasn't sure how to change, because, " This guy you seem to need is not the guy you married".  He told me he wants to change- for me, for us, because that is what I need. 

After he was done, I left to go upstairs.  I honestly did not have ONE single thought in my head.  I was crying, and yet I didn't know the reason.
 
" Don't you have anything to say?"

W- "  No I honestly don't.  Not right now"

B- " Okay, I can understand that"

I went into our bedroom, and closed the door, mostly from the dog, I told myself.  I lay on our bed and sobbed.. Literally sobbed, and sobbed.  I shook-sounds came out of me.  Normally when that happens, I create a backdraft, and I imediately stop crying, today I didn't.  Nor did I want to.  Eventually Barney came in.  I didn't turn to him, I tried to create my backdraft.  To say I was semi-successful would be a great exaggeration.  He rubbed my back and lay his hand on me.  Today his hand felt like it weighed 100 lb.  He handed me Kleenex.  When my the fluids, that were seemingly leaking from every part of my face were threatening to drown me, I got up and went into the bathroom.  I made sure to lock the door.
 
 Things didn't get much better from there.  I mean how could they?  I was alone in my bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably feeling extremely guilty for so many reasons, but the over riding guilt feeling was that I couldn't let my husband console me.  I went over to the toilet and began dry heaving...Of course, I then decided that the toilet should be cleaned, and Wall Building Wilma returned full force.  I cleaned the walls-wiped down everything insight.  The cleaner the bathroom became, the more my emotions were shoved down.

 I soon left for my walk.  I didn't plan on the walk.  I just HAD to get out.  Go.  Run, ( emotionally, this girl does NOT run).  By this point Barney had already phoned to say he wasn't coming to work today.  This should have been the time I stayed.  Even when we had 3 boys under  the age of 5 and I had a migraine, Barney still wouldn't call into work to say he wasn't coming.  He is on salary, but he doesn't like to leave anyone short.

It was during my crying walk-a-thon that I decided I couldn't ask him to do this anymore.  To change.  To be someone he is not.  I knew I would have to decide this because he said he'd do anything for me.  I could do this for him.  I could try to be the happy wife on the inside that the world sees on the outside.  Or maybe we could talk about how long we could pretend.- Initially, he said a few weeks ago that he didn't know we had a problem, maybe he'll forget- ( I know it was a stupid line of thinking).

After almost two hours, I returned home, drenched.  I had brought an umbrella, but it did little good.  When I walked through the door, I was met with a very concerned Barney.

" Why didn't you tell me you were going out? I was worried"

" I didn't plan on it.  You didn't need to worry.  I wasn't going to run away"( I know, not nice again)

I filled the tub and lay under the water.  I stayed until the water became cold.  Building and building my walls.  Crying.  Hoping the water would seep into my body because surely to God I was going to dehydrate from  all this leaking from my eyes.

Wilma went back into putter mode.  I took my food journal/log and placed it on the recycling pile.  Barney picked it out. 
  " Why are you getting rid of this ?"

W- " Because I don't need it anymore.  I can't ask you to do this.  I can't ask you to change into someone else.  I won't have you resent me for asking you to do this.   We can go back to being blissfully indifferent."

 As the afternoon went on I can't remember what was said verbatim, as I was so exhausted.  The following conversation did take place but there was a LOT of empty air in between.  Mostly from me.

Barney; "  I love you. You know that ? You are the most important thing in my life.  I will do anything to make you happy.  If that means changing I will"

W- " Well that's just stupid- CHANGING?" ( don't beat me up for that, you can't do a better job then I have already done) " A person who loves somebody should ASK them to change for them"

B " I want to have some of these changes in me.  You were right a few weeks ago. I have ignored YOU.  I didn't see all that you do for us.  For me.  I just did my own thing. We did live parallel lives.  I don't want that anymore.  I want to change.  I meant what I said in your birthday card.  A few weeks ago, I wouldn't have even given it much thought.
  I don't want you to always have to be strong.  I don't want to go back.  I have loved these past few weeks. I love how we are BOTH changing.

 You know when we first got married, your mom told me, ' You know it is not 50 %/ 50%.  It is 100% and 100 %.' "
 
(Okay don't get made at me now, or further, but I burst out laughing at this)

--" Well my mother's version of 100% is not human"

B: ( chuckling) " No it is certainly not.  But seriously, I haven't been giving my 100% for many years.  THIS has made me realize that.  I am going to do my best to do that from now on.  It is not going to be easy, but I am going to try".

W: " So where to we go from here?  I mean what can we do ?  I think I need this to grow, and this makes you uncomfortable.  So how do we change?"

B: " I am not sure I am ever going to be comfortable with this, but it is the best tool we have found so far.  I want to try.  You know, last night, most of the night I had different thoughts on how today was going to play out.  One thought, that kept coming back was that I was going to take your hand, bring you upstairs and give you EXACTLY what you so obviously need- and I was going to do it MY way.  You were going to have no say over what I used, or how I did it. "

Another round of laughter by both of us.

W" Oh yeah?"

B:  " Yeah, but I'm not quite there yet."

W: (Sigh of relief)

 W: " Alone.  Lonely!"<-  Believe it or not I was actually saying that with a happy tone in my voice.  An AH HA moment if you will.

B:" What? "

W: " This is how I felt this week.  I couldn't pinpoint that feeling until now.  I felt so alone and so very, very lonely"

B: " Well I don't want you to ever feel that again"

W:  " I don't feel it now.  And I didn't KNOW that I felt it then.  I just felt something. It was stifling me"

Then for the first time since our discussion in the morning, I felt relief.  It might of had something to do with the Gravol ( Dramamine, whatever anyone else uses for upset stomachs that also causes drowsiness). We hugged and I almost fell asleep in his arms in the kitchen.  I excused myself for a nap- which lasted over 2 hours.

When I woke up, I was feeling very...SUBMISSIVE.  Piece of cake this Dd thing is.

( Why air out my dirty laundry in public?  Because Newbies, this is NOT for the faint of heart, this Dd thing.)






29 comments:

  1. BRAVO! Both to you Wilma and Barney! You made me cry! And remember what it was for us afew weeks ago.

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    1. I didn't mean to make anyone cry. Trust me I have done that enough today for EVERYONE! I look like a rung out dish rag. The one that is supposed to go downstairs into the rag bag to clean floors with because it looks too haggard to drap over the kitchen faucet.

      Kinda funny, when I think of it, Barney professing his love to me while I was in my Dad's sweater, that is probably older than me, my flannel pj's, my aunt's old pink knit slippers, wet hair, snot everywhere, swollen eyes, nose, oh and I get these lovely red blotches all over my face when I cry. HHHHHHHHHHHHHOT!

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    2. that's because he loves you no matter what.

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    3. Also, wanted to add that I love that saying. I copied it to remember because there are always peaks and valleys. Have been together with hubby over 40 years and there are always valleys but the peaks return and is so worth the journey.

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  2. Oh, Wilma....you are so right this is not a piece of cake. I just sent an email novel to Lillie asking for help....sometimes we just have to put it all out there.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. Sometimes this stuff is just hard....no way to tie it all up and put a pretty bow on it. It takes lots of work...and at times painful communication.

    Time will tell whether or not this will work. I think Barney is right....if this is the best tool you have so far....give it a try....

    Don't settle for being roommates....do what you have to do, life is too short to be okay with that.

    Hugs to you....hang in there

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    1. Thanks Lucy

      Things are fine around here...for now...LMAO! Barney always appears to be so constant. I am a freakin' emotional rollarcoaster. I now recognize when the walls are starting to build. So that is a step. The key is going to be stopping that process when it starts. Not sure how long that is going to take.<- probably forever!

      I didn't want to stop Dd. I really didn't. I just didn't want to put Barney through that if he felt he had to become someone he was not.

      I have become an emotional yo-yo dieter! Light and happy one day, only to gain emotional baggage and be HEAVY the next. Up and Down..

      One step at a time..right Lucy?

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  3. What a beautiful and heart rending post. I'm so sorry you had to go through all this but it does sound as if you both came out stronger for it. Good luck on your continuing journey. "Piece of cake" Wilma? ;)

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Huh, the sarcastic font on Piece of Cake mustn't have come over from the draft version.

      Thanks Cat

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    1. You received a wealth of great comments here, Wilma. You are Barney are doing fantastic today and that is what it is truly all about.
      hugs, lillie

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    2. Oh Lillie.

      Thank you, as always for your unwaivering support.

      C

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  5. Listen to your man, Wilma, he loves you and he wants to give you what you need. When I resist Ward, when I feel my most unlovable, he looks deep into my eyes and says, "let me love you.".

    Honey, let go of the control and let him lead. He may have been reluctant, but he seems to have made a clear statement that he is committed both to you and to this path for your relationship.

    And no, definitely not for the faint of heart, but when we open to each other, so very worth it. (((hugs))) And as Lillie so wisely said, growing pains.

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  6. Thanks June

    He has made this statement since the beginning. I suppose at some point today it actually clicked that I believed it. Or maybe today he actually began to believe it too.
    Truth be told, I don't think he has ever seen be so 'broken'. I feel very much put back together though, dare I say a little stronger. I do have to let go of my control, of my trying to sheild him and everyone around me from pain. In the end it seems it can cause more damage.

    Baby steps...

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    1. Baby steps are still steps forward, sweetie :) Good on you for letting him in. It will get better, growth is pain, but like you said, when you're torn down, you can be built back up stronger. He was there, you fell and he caught you.

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  7. Letting go of your control is wonderful advice, if only I could manage to do it 100% of the time...
    My "H" had a hard time becoming the HOH in our relationship too. He really didn't want to at first, thought he was hurting me, and that it was just wrong. Strangely, it turned out he got more and more used to the idea (I think he was a closet spanko though) when things got hairy and he saw how DD worked and the outcome.
    Now it's second nature, but.. like I've been told before "be careful what you wish for" because he is VERY comfortable now, and I'm currently sitting here with a bruised bum as I type this.
    Anyways, we have BOTH changed really. I have more to do personally, but I think this journey is something to be done at everyone's own pace. Change for someone you love is a good thing and can be natural.
    Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks for the support Emi !

      I have no doubt he'll get there. I can see it in the little things he says, and the way he teases too!

      I especially heard it when he was talking about the ways that yesterday could have played out in his mind. There was a 'tone' there that had a bit of an edge I'm not so used to. (um, eek?)

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  8. Wilma, Wilma,
    How long ago was it that you surprised him with that Duotang?
    Three weeks?
    I think you both have travelled an extraordinary long way together in that bit of time.
    Whenever you get this feeling again, you should read your Oktober 13, post about the regular program, it is a good read.
    Didn't we agree on the fact that 'coming out' to your husband is a very Controlling act?
    He responded very positively on your controlling act.
    He promised to change, he did change. But he is not the Wizard of Oz, he is not going to change into something else by waving a wand.
    Remember it was the Yellow Brick Road that did the changing.

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  9. Gee Bas, I was expecting more of an earful from you. lol

    Yes we both have come a long way ! As for yesterday, as horrible as it was- and the evidence is still on my face, I wouldn't change it. It not only reset me back to feeling okay with feeling vulnerable, I believe it was a giant leap forward. When I think of what was said, and how it was said from Barney,(obviously not all of it written down here), I realized HE was pushing ttwd. He WANTED it. Not just me anymore. For whatever reason. I have learned that it doesn't matter if that reason is because I want it- the reason really doesn't matter. I think yesterday he realized that too!

    Now that I no longer have the worry that this is something I am forcing him to do, I feel less of a need to be in control. Oh I'm not naive. I know my control-freak tendancy are alive and well, but we are going to work on that, together.

    This was a big hurtle for both of us, and we managed to get over it, albeit not too gracefully. Alright, with no grace what so ever, but it is done. Baby steps to the next one!

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  10. Wilma, congratulations on a courageous post.

    Consider that while you may not have the right to demand that your husband change, you have a real responsibility to open yourself to him and to let him know you. To do that is not selfish and controlling. It is brave and loving.

    What he does with that information is his decision. He may put more effort into making you happy than you feel worthy of, leaving you feeling selfish because he started when you stated your needs. But you didn't make him respond. He chose how to respond. Show him respect by acknowledging that he is the master of his life.

    It sounds from your comment this morning that you've realized this all on your own. You're doing great.

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  11. Thanks for the reassuring words Kevan.

    We talked as he drove to work this morning. I thanked him for yesterday, and told him, as hard as it was that I didn't regret one minute of it. He said he didn't either. He also mentioned that he doesn't recall EVER seeing me so upset before. He said that it made him feel like he needed and wanted to be stronger.

    He couldn't believe that I could let so much emotion out. As that was so out of character for me.

    I mentioned that it seemed he was on the offensive yesterday when it came to ttwd. Barney " Yes, yes I believe I was"

    So alls well that ends well !

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  12. DD is a piece of cake! I like that! lol
    The ability to work through an issue and open communication that your post expresses is definitively the icing on the DD cake! Before completely enjoying the sweet desserts of a DD lifestyle, it's important to remember not to rush and to take your time while tasting your way through the appetizers and entree too. :)
    MrBB

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    1. Hey Mr. B. welcome!

      As an avid cake decorator, I would have to say that the DD cake is definitely one of those multi-layered, multi-tiered cakes, that takes forever to decorate ! Transport must be very slow, or the entire thing will topple over, and all the work will be lost. It is much more complex then it looks.

      So far we have just begun on the bottom layer. While it is not the eye catching top piece, it is structually the most important. I like the way it looks though. The icing tastes good! I'm not sure how many tiers there are, nor do I have a plan for the top tier, but I am looking forward to creating the next one with Barney of course.

      Truth be told though, in real life when I am making a multi-tiered cake Barney gets the heck out of Dodge! lol

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  13. Hi Wilma, I can't believe how much alike our husbands are. You are right, they need to sit down for a beer together. Maybe they could start a "we have crazy wives" support group.
    This DD thing is hard. I've tried to throw in the towel twice now and Hubby said he won't let that discourage him, that he will figure ttwd out. Gotta love their tenacity!
    (((hugs)))

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    1. Of course our husbands are alike. I told you you were my inspiration to bring this to Barney! Where ever we both end up is yet to be deterimined, but via email, I know there are other HoHs out there like our guys.

      Seriously, your hubby and mine SHOULD email each other. It is not a public blog, maybe they COULD actually support each other- er, um or maybe with a dom involved..lol ( Barney's gonna be p*ssed with that commnent..lol)

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  14. Wilma, I am a letter/email/journal writer. I also have taken back consent and thrown my books and journals away. Thank you for sharing your story because sometimes I feel like it is just us. My dh is kind hearted and gentle and reserved. He has had a difficult time grasping my need for this. In all fairness we have been married many, many years and "the great divide" is an excellent way to put it. In life and in the king size bed. I have felt guilty for asking this of him and I have felt like he just didn't care at times.

    It looks on the outside looking in that everyone else has the dominant HOH just waiting to be asked to lead and he runs with it. We are a work in progress; sometimes on and sometimes off - I stay in a state of confusion.

    I wonder if I expect too much. I want to give up but then again I can't!
    (sorry about writing a book)

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  15. Hello Anonymous(?)

    Listen, I was you.. I am you, as you know. I thought this could never work. And truthfully, who knows if it will. It was another blogger Lil Misses, who described her husband the same as Barney, that made me take the leap of faith. Admittedly, they have had their trials, ( please seek our her blog to if you haven't) but they still continue to take their baby steps forward.

    We are so stumbling in the dark- but if you or your husband want to talk, I can't say we have any answers, as you can clearly see, please email. Honestly we don't mind.

    I thank you so much for your comment. I blog because the support is unprecedented here. Also I continue because I have found that most people start after their first few months, and as unpretty as it is, I hope that maybe I can be of use. Again, I don't even know if this is going to work for us, but I am hopeful- and my grade 9 typing skills have greatly improved!

    Thanks for commenting, and please do again any time you want.

    Wilma

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  16. Wilma...I am days late. Sorry...have company but I wanted to come by and tell you how amazing it was for you to both write this all down and work your way though it in real time. It is so hard to give up control but when we do and when our husbands see the depth of who we really want to be I know it awakens something in them. They get to decide what they want to change about themselves and boy oh boy, we'd better be ready when they really begin to embrace themselves, b/c it is like they are new men. It's so neat to see both of you growing together. I know this was hard, really hard...keep it up. You are doing amazing.

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  17. Good morning Susie.

    I actually didn't think you would comment until Monday morning, if you decided to at all :) When I saw I had a comment waiting this morning, I would have placed my bet that it was from you!

    When I was laying in bed this morning, not sleeping argh!, I was thinking how we are staying in place at the moment. Barney has been working, and when he is not, the place is crawling with ( not so) little people. After further reflection though, there were a couple of comments made over the weekend. It may seem like something small, and they certainly didn't send any chills down my spine or anything like that, but it is a step in the right direction.


    You and others may very well be right- I might have to prepare for Barney Rubble HEAD OF HOUSE! Time will tell.

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