Thursday, October 11, 2012

Yesterday to Today






WARNING if you have an Internet Time Limit, you might want to skip this entry…It is a long one!


Please be patient and follow me through something which will hopefully not be a convoluted explanation.



I really will get to our conversation yesterday. I feel I have to explain, me and my thought process, which in turn affected my interpretation of yesterday’s events.


I have a learning disability. No worries, it doesn’t bother me. It didn’t stop me. I went on to university. In truth I wasn’t identified with it until I was in my early 30s. I was kind enough to pass this genetic gem onto my child. I was the one who initially identified it in my son, as I have another family member who also has this. While we were seeking ways to help him cope, I was identified. I say identify because it is not a disease. It can’t be overcome, but one does adapt.

I bring this up because my learning disability affects not only every aspect of my life, it is in part, the heart of who I am- how I tick, if you will. I am not saying I am defined by what others see as a disability. I am not talking about the part that society jests about, ( for the record, that doesn’t bother me or my son---we can make fun of ourselves just as well, if not better than ‘you’ can). Sure I can spell a word differently 5 times on the same page. Who cares that’s what spell check is for? <- except in the comment sections of blogs…argh I hate that! I don’t care that I invert my numbers—I just triple check everything. My mind, apparently works 5% harder than the ‘average’ person. I see something, with MY eyes, I know it is not right and I have to ‘right’ it before I can process it. Hmm ?. Let me give you an example. I was watching the news not too long ago and the reporter was outside near a river, at night. I looked at her and wondered. I had to stare at the t.v. for a few seconds because in my mind’s eye there was an illuminated brain over her left shoulder. Yup you heard me a giant. Glowy brain! Now I KNEW that wasn’t right—“ahhhhhh, it is the underside of a stone arched bridge with a wall mounted light”.


I could go on to mention that building walls and being sarcastic started in my youth to cover up things that felt different inside of me, but for today’s post that is not really relevant. So before I get TOO off base here, let me continue.


People who share my learning disability can have the characteristics I am about to list. Now keep in mind, I am well aware that people who don’t share this ‘gift’ can also have these characteristics. I am only pulling out the characteristics that had an impact on my emotions and train(wreck) of thoughts yesterday.


Let’s start with this one>” …brains are organized in a way that maximizes strength in making big picture connections at the expense of weaknesses in processing fine details

 



Pretty straight forward. I have always done this- Sometimes to my detriment. Case in point, I failed a high school math course because although I had the answers correct more often than not, the steps prior were wrong. My father, the accountant could never figure out how on earth I managed to pull that one off. At the time I couldn’t have told you either.


So yesterday- while I knew/know what the big picture is, I forgot that Barney needs to process the fine details to get there.


Another gem-> Seems to have little patience for those who ‘just don’t get it’…Oh boy this is a biggie over here in this house ! Pretty sure this doesn’t need any further explanation.


 Confusion or chaos of a situation  often turns to anger”…Yep


Now here is where it starts to get interesting….
 
  Aware of everything.  Excellent memory for things experienced.
I read somewhere, “ the Family elephant” when referring to memories. It is true. For example, I can tell you everyone’s culinary dislikes or allergies who has ever crossed my threshold for dinner. This goes as far back as I can remember. If only I could use my superpowers for good ! Instead, I forget that others, namely Barney are not like me in this way. ( I will get back to this after)


Quick decision maker- 

a bit of an issue when you are married to your complete foil. Although, it is a good thing we both aren’t quick decision makers.

Talks excessively<- um, yeah, I guess I don’t have to tell you people that. It is my process, to figure things out

 Now for the part you have all been waiting for………………the conversation

The morning started off quite funny actually. ( Sorry if you read this already in the comment section on Kevan’s blog). I was bopping around to really cheesy 80s music while cleaning up/out our Rec Room and storage room. I became even more light hearted when the cheesiest of all cheesy songs, Karma Chameleon came on the radio.

A straight-faced Barney declared

“ Rule number one, NO Culture Club in the house when I am home. Scratch that-ever”


So mean! Giggling and IGNORING him, I continued on with my work, while he poured over his list of rules and regs.

Later in the day, he said it was time to talk. I have to admit I was a bit nervous. I was also excited. I was going to find out what areas I needed to work on. Up until this point, I have only been doing what I thought I should be working on, and acting on things based on answers he gave from the questionnaire I made up for him.


Turns out there was nothing to be nervous or excited for. There was essentially nothing at all. He basically had written down the 3 D’s and then added distancing. No real surprise there. He mentioned how he wanted to get more involved in our finances. We’ve been talking about that for a while. That is more about him-but discussion is good.


I was hurt. Which in turn turned to anger. I said nothing, really. I just stared over his right shoulder at a spot on the wall. At the time I wasn’t exactly sure why I was hurt/angry. I just knew that I was. Now I can tell you. It is as clear as the nose on my face. I was hurt because for a week now, we have been talking, A LOT about destructive behaviour . Mine mostly. How I physically ignore myself. How I allow people to hurt me. ( Gazoo in particular). How, despite the fact that if you were to walk into my house, you may find no fault, I continue to see the little details that could be fixed, yet do nothing about it…it goes on and on. I was hurt because, I felt he took the easy way out. He didn’t reflect on us…Our needs. I suppose more to the point MY needs. I felt that even though he agreed to this, that he copied and pasted the basic rules. Rules that he was already seeing results with.


I am going to skip ahead to today for a moment. After coming to this conclusion, after much reflection, I told Barney this in a letter this morning. I am well aware, as is he, of this little tid bit mentioned earlier- that I am Aware of everything. Excellent memory for things experienced. True, it is not fair to hold Barney up to this standard. But to me listening is not enough he has to HEAR. This has been an on going issue in our marriage. One we continue to work on. I am worth paying attention to. He agreed.

Back to yesterday...



Later in our discussion, came up the topic of addressing me when something goes wrong.


He said, “ ...well I’m going to most likely say……”


(Keeping with being honest) I said, “ I don’t think that will work. I might just continue to blow past you “.

This naturally brought forth further ‘discussion’. Along the lines of,


“But why would you do that? I mean I don’t get it. And what if you continually do something? Wouldn’t that mean that being punished, spanked, isn’t working”

Me: “ You are thinking along the lines of you. A man. Remember we are dealing with emotional, irrational, ( at times ) Wilma.”

Barney: “ Oh yeah. Right that is true. Okay, but I’m not going to turn into a tyrant”.

Me: “ A tyrant? I’m not asking you to”

Barney…a look.

Me: sigh, “ Okay, do you think ( insert blogger name) is a tyrant? “

B: “ NO! Of course not!...sigh, I get your point. None of the guys I have read about seem like tyrants”

Me: “ Okay, so just tell me when you are ready to begin. Sigh”

B: “ will do”



So we were kind of done for the day. While looking back at our conversation today, it really didn’t warrant the emotional reaction that I gave it yesterday. Who can explain these things, emotions? I mean once you open those emotional flood gates a little bit, those little buggers keep eeking out!

Last night though, I wanted nothing more than to throw a passive aggressive temper tantrum! Ah, the old days. I wanted to put on my ‘nasty’ flannel pj’s with perhaps a turtleneck, and oversized socks, and climb under the covers- ALTHOUGH I would have been sweating! ( You see, I have been trying to accommodate Barney’s likes into my night time attire. Definitely not flannel ! A little chilly on the onset, but not too bad. ) I didn’t though


By the time I went to bed I felt better . I had already made my mind up that I wasn’t going to do that anyway. Mostly I realized, because I was afraid he wouldn’t notice.


I did distance- even literally. I went for an unannounced, undetected walk.


I sat on a crowded couch, for a couple of t.v. shows as opposed to sitting with Barney. Eventually, after the kids went to bed, he moved over next to me and I lay on his lap. I felt submissive again when I got ready for bed.

I wrote him a lengthy letter this morning, ( I’m sure you’re all shocked!). I apologized if I hurt him with my comments yesterday, or even in the letter. I told him I was being honest. That I feel like sometimes it seems I don’t matter, even though I know that is not true. I mentioned that the ‘rules’ were not designed for him to see any results- one’s that he hasn’t already seen. That perhaps he would feel more confident if he gave me at least one rule that he could see a concrete change in- knowing that he said it, I followed.


I expressed that I understood he was leery. That he wasn’t sure if he could lead even though he really wants to. I have a saying I use quite often, “ Fake it ‘til you make it”. He of course does not go for this line of thinking. I suggested, that being a leader doesn’t make you not afraid. Leaders, just try not to show it.

I told him I was in no rush for this. That I didn’t expect him to come out of the starting gates, belt in hand.


After he read the note, you could see that he was visibly upset. He said he wasn’t upset with me. He was upset with himself, that he didn’t really see what I needed. He admits that maybe he did take the easier way out. He is going to go back to the drawing board and think on it some more.



In case you were wondering, I never mentioned to Barney the list of things I mentioned here about what we talked about leading up to the rules. Some may think that this means I am testing him. Not so, at least I don't think it is. I don’t want to ‘top’ from the bottom. I just want this, us, to work. Once he decides, I will still follow his lead.

18 comments:

  1. It sounds to me as if you two are doing a lot of things right! You're communicating your needs effectively, and he's making a real effort to listen to you and do what he can to meet them. Good for both of you.

    By the way, if you want to name your learning disability, those of us who know about it might understand you better, and those of us who don't might learn something. But I will respect your decision not to, especially if you believe it might threaten your anonymity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll email anyone who really wants to know, but it would definitely be a game breaker, if someone I know happens along.
      Thank you for the words of encouragement. After I posted this, we had a great conversation, making Barney leave for work later again. Good thing he's one of the bosses!<- I know right? He should have NO issue bring it on home ! LOL

      Delete
  2. I know how you feel. I created my own rules. Somethings I wanted to change some him. I feel like I am continually talking to condition or seduce him to this lifestyle. I think he is afraid that once he gives in and takes control, I will demand to stop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For some reason Blue Bird, my response to you got bumped down past Bas' comment, even though I answered you a good while before his comment even came in.

      Delete
  3. I have no internet limit (one of the advantages of being HoH), so I've read this 3 times now.
    I now have a thousand questions and no answers for you.
    I imagine Barney feels about the same.
    Don't take this wrong but as an HoH I have my problems understanding what you want from him.
    If you are hurt in any way by this comment, just delete it. We'll still be friends.

    You say, you don't want to top from the bottom.
    That's fine, but I think that there is a difference between Topping and Expressing your wishes.
    It looks like you have translated "not topping" into "not telling".
    In the same time you have this very detailed but secret image in your mind of what TTWD should look like, and as long as he does not, on his own, come up with this same image, he is not doing it correct?
    He asks a valid question: "what to do when spanking does not seem to work?"
    I don't know an HoH who has not wrestled with this question.
    You don't answer this very serious question, but instead just say “ You are thinking along the lines of you. A man. Remember we are dealing with emotional, irrational, ( at times ) Wilma.”
    Now, what is he going to do with that answer? Spank more, Cornertime, writing lines?
    I am very sorry, but I'm afraid you are burning him up quickly this way.
    He is now back at the drawing board. Please go help him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah Bas. No worries about deleting this comment. Listen, I am very much confused about what is going on here too. It is hard to explain something to someone when you are learning right along side them. Much like watching the same movie as someone and having them ask you questions to things that haven't happened yet.

      Do I feel a bit defensive? If I do it is my fault for not communication here effectively. I suppose in bringing in only snippets of the conversation things got lost.

      When he was asking about spanking not working He was referring, initially to someone else. Why does she do the same thing over and over again? WE actually talked at great length about this, not just what I posted. Sorry if it came across as confusing, but rest assured at the end he understood, we undestood each other. I mean the best we could considering we haven't come to this point yet.

      This blog entry will actually continue tomorrow, as there were many things, you are very correct in saying, that were not resolved yesterday. We resolved a great deal of them this afternoon.

      Do I have an imagine of dd ? Yes I think I have a couple. One that I picture from the snap shots that are created from the stories I read here. One that I think could be us. The latter is constantly changing with each conversation Barney and I have. I would imagine if you ask almost any woman here that has brought dd to their husbands, they had their own vision as well. I have read enough to realize that neither of my visions are going to be what actually plays out within the four walls of my home.

      Believe it or not, I suppose because eveyone is different, Barney is by no means 'burning up'. We have been friends for over 20 years. I might be difficult for you to understand, but my wording, line of thinking, and reasoning is something he is used to. Something he has learned to process. Again, I know this because of our extensive talk this afternoon. He did not once mention being confused about anything. He said he wants this. He said he rushed into talking about rules, without giving it much thought, because he wants to move forward.
      But that is for tomorrow, I suppose.
      I am sorry if my retelling of yesterday's events seem to have frustrated you somehow. I think it is great that you are concerned about Barney and his emotional state of mind. He will be most appreciative, as am I

      Delete
  4. As I just metioned to Kevan, although you wouldn't have been able to see that post, we had a very good conversation after I posted this. He hasn't read this post yet. I'm sure he eventually will.
    Once again I was going to leave the blog alone tomorrow, mostly because I thought there was all there was to be said. Apparently that is not to be the case
    After I posted today, I felt mentally lighter, mostly because the post was out of my head and onto the blog. You can well imagine how heavy THAT post was in my head! LOL. But, in all seriousness, I felt weepy. I thought, ( again) What if this doesn't work? What if he can't make it work? Where do we go from here? Can we go from here? We've talked about problems in our relationship that I have recognized for a long time. He says he thinks he did too, he just didn't want to admit it. The point is, you can't put a lid back on that. It has to be dealt with.
    OOPs don't want to go into tomorrow's blog right now! LOL
    I understand what you mean about feeling like you are seducing him into it. I don't think that is what I have been doing, but I understand how that can happen. I do believe I said to Barney that if he still wants to do this I can't coddle him any longer- I have in the past, worried that if I brought my problems to him, that it adds more stress to him. He has on occasion appeared to have whined, when I needed assistance with the kids, home, whatever. More like a " OH come on!" Not directed at me, just the situation. I am more of a, " Okay, let's fix it" kind of person. I said, I need to know that he can do this. ...oops going back to my blog tomorrow..Guess I'll just refer everyone here!
    I think, like all the women here have said, that your husband will come along quite fine, once he fits in his new shoes you have given him. I of course am worried as well. After all we picked the shoes, told them to march and we will follow. That in and of itself must be confusing for them.
    Why don't you sit down together and review your rules ? They are not set in stone. Perhaps it will help if you read Danielle's comment on my last blog entry. It makes perfect sense.
    Good luck! I know it is so very hard.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Wilma :D

    I can just feel your frustration....I knew this time would be coming for you soon enough. I remember feeling this way when Ryan and I were at the very beginning. That being said, take all that I am about to say with a grain of salt....remember we have only been at this since March.

    I gotta tell you I agree with a lot of what Bas says....just don't tell him I said that ;) Men just process this whole thing differently than we do. Barney is probably still trying to figure out what he thinks/wants/what is important.... It is all so complicated.

    I was like a hamster on a wheel just running, and Ryan felt like to me he ws just standing there scratching his head. I wanted ACTION, I wanted him to do something, anything. I just did not realize he was in his head. He was thinking a lot about this, I just had no idea.

    You both will get there, I am sure of that....but he will get there in his own time...and that is what you want. When he presents you with rules or whatever that aren't exactly what you want...just go with it.....encourage him. Don't try to tell him what is or is not going to work.....that puts you back in control, and you are trying to hand it over to him. Do what he asks, and just know that it will get better. His confidence in this will grow, and then you will see changes.

    I promise you, I felt the exact same way. I would get so upset reading all of the blogs and wonder why Ryan didn't get this/didn't want to do it. He did...it just took some time. I am not that wife that wonders what in the heck I was asking for....and believe me I never thought he had all of this in him.

    I am pulling for you both....I know it will come...it takes a ton of patience, and a lot of you just doing what he asks for a while....he will get it....hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lucy, Barney and my conversation TODAY revolved around actually him wanting to get started. He admitted he rushed through the rule aspect, without giving it as much thought as he could have. Meaning, he knew the importance of the 4 D's but that was a given, but he actually said he should have applied it to us more specifically. To make it easier for us to follow. Also there are some health type issues, things he thought about after reading my letter to him this morning that he wanted more time to figure out how to work it in.
    This converstion took place after I posted the happenings of yesterday. I coudn't figure out what I wanted to say about last night until this morning. I guess I didn't figure out a good enough way to say this afternoon either.


    I know, because I am blogging, and expressing myself here, it appears that I am impatient. This is true, in some ways, but I have repeatedly told Barney to take his time- To read to do what he needs to. Now what my body language is telling him that might be a totally different story.
    :0)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I get what you are saying. The beginning is just so frustrating....you all will work out the bugs.

      Hang in there...keep blogging....and we will be here to read...and offer support :D

      Delete
    2. Just reread my comment to you above. I should have said, I have repeatedly ASKED Barney to take his time, now shouldn't I ? Of course this would be a lie...Ah, I'm a work in progress.

      Thanks Lucy, you are very sweet.

      Delete
  7. I want to echo what Bas said, "there is a difference between Topping and Expressing your wishes". Communication is not topping, unless you are making demands. I would change the way that the statement is phrased - there is a difference between topping & expressing your NEEDS. Share with him that there are things you want to work on in order to feel your submission more completely, and that you would like him to hold you accountable for "x.y.z"

    Most of us I think start out with the 4D's and Ward added no Distancing:
    1) No disrespect
    2) No disobedience
    3) No dishonesty
    4) No danger
    5) No distance

    And we have added on as we go along, our relationships are dynamic, ever growing, every changing. I have an idea perhaps you left out the no danger, which would address things like you not taking care of your self, and behaviors that put you or your family in danger (drinking and driving, texting & driving, not taking essential meds, and the like). And remember that you two define them in the way that is most pertinent to you.

    One of the first things that Ward helped me with was patience - I had none, lol. I'm much better now thanks :) Maybe you could talk to Barney about your impatience and your sense of urgency.

    Relax, honey, he's on board. It's frustrating sometimes, but there is that whole pesky - men are from mars,women are from venus thingy - they process things differently than we do. Perhaps ask him to share his process with you so that you get a sense of forward momentum :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thanks June. As I have mentioned in other comments, today's later discussion was much more productive.
    We didn't leave out danger, Barney, until further discussion today, thought initially it wasn't something that we needed to worry about. Not that he left it out, he was almost dismissing it. We cleared that up though.
    He said that he did me a disservice this week by not mentioning to me that he was thinking about this stuff. He knows how I operate-that I know for sure. I began more insecure this week, he knows that now too. He said he read my words on my blog, but didn't, for whatever reason, offer what he knew I needed. He can't answer why, and I'm okay with that because this has been a very confusing time as far as our emotions go for both of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, but you're both doing the very hard and very important work. It looks very glass half full from here, sweetie :)

      Delete
  9. Thanks June! I needed to hear that more than you realize right now :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not enough time to say everything I'd like to but wow...what a lot of great communicating you two did. You go girl!

    Knowing ourselves, being aware of what makes us tick is huge.

    I think it takes men some time to come up with things that they truly care about. We aren't big on rules around here, although there are easily half a dozen at any given time. They used to be the common stuff, now they are things that REALLY matter to him. Don't be surprised if Barney goes there not too long from now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks Susie. I am begining to feel a little 'worried'. LOL. When I look back, he claimed he's never been dominant, and perhaps he isn't - *BUT* even though most of the HoHers that are here admit, ( or their wives do) that they have always had a dominant personality, it took them a while to decide to go with this dd life. Um, Barney agreed, pretty much right away...At first that was a relief, but now I'm not so sure! lol

    Not to mention my bright idea( thanks to Lillie, although it did have some benefits) to get him to spank me a few times without reason, ya know erotic. Then that was too loud, had him worried...okay, another bright idea Wilma, gather all the quieter impliments you have heard about and let him 'go at it'. Stupid, stupid woman!

    He's 'wrapping his head around it' Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

    ReplyDelete