Thursday, November 15, 2012

Creating Our Own Nightmares

 Do you remember when you were younger and you had a nightmare?  I am not talking a really young child when you would climb into your parent's bed.  I mean when you were old enough to know that it was just a 'silly' dream, and there is nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light. Perhaps your parent's still opened your door to check on you before they retired for the night.

 I had lots of nightmares growing up. VERY active imagination even in sleep..lol.  Anyway, we lived in a bungalow and my room was at the end of an L shaped hallway.  My Dad would often turn on the hall light so he could 'see' in my room to check on me before he went to bed for the night.  Often I would have the first nightmare before he even went to bed.   I would lay there and listen to the goings on of the house and feel 'safe' knowing he was still awake.  I wouldn't get up though, because I was a 'big' girl now, and I could 'deal' with these irrational fears.  I would lay there, tears streaming down my face, scared, but also so angry at myself because I couldn't shake the scared feeling. 



   Before turing in for the night my Dad would open the door, and the light from the hall would shine a line across my bedroom floor, but he would never open the door wide enough to have the light hit my face- as a parent I know it was because he didn't want to disturb his Perfect Little Girl ( oh stuff it!  I was adorable!  lol).  Each time he did this after a nightmare, I prayed this would be the time that he opened the door just a little wider to see I was still awake and upset.  He never did.  It wasn't his fault. He thought I was fine.  How would he know I wasn't? 
   You know where I am going with this right? This has been me literally and figuratively in the past 2 weeks.  Last Friday night Barney and I did talk about my post Newbie Issues. (<- BTW Cat, thanks a million for teaching me how to do that!).  We talked about passive/aggressive temper tantrums.  How he noticed -  yay he notice !,( Hellen Keller could have picked up on that vibe last week).  So anyway, he said he planned to 'deal' with it...  Okay--- He didn't. 

  So Saturday, and Cook Together night was nice.  Nothing spectacular, but the earth can't move every week.  Talking on Friday night was good and it somewhat cleared the air, but it didn't strike a cord deep inside me.  I could still feel myself slipping away.  I should have really said something.  Instead,  this past weekI did most of the things I agreed to do when we started ttwd.  Actually not true, I did all the visual things I agreed to.  I dropped the aggressive part from last week's temper tantrum, and truth be told, I don't feel I was angry this week, I was just in-- suspended animation.

   Yesterday was to be the only FULL day that Barney and I were going to have alone together for at least 2 weeks.  Anyone who is well versed in my blog posts knows, this raises a RED flag.  Wilma puts too much expectation on one day- whether it be ttwd, or just spending time together.  I had already had it in my mind that this day was not going to work out- rationalizing this thought process from past experiences.

   I should have just put my big girl pants on and talked to Barney the night before and expressed my concerns/fears.  But why would you learn from your past mistakes ?  Wilma..pah!  It is so much  healthier for your relationship to set up a secret test that you are pretty sure your husband is going to fail.  I 'win'...he failed!  Soooooooooooooooooo not healthy.

   I suppose you don't need me to tell you yesterday was messy.  A cold front moved through Bedrock. 

   I wanted to talk to Barney, only I didn't trust my words.  Some of the things that came to mind were not healthy.  I had to sort out my feelings-whether I wanted to say these things just to hurt him, or because I truly believed them.  I was so hoping the latter was not true.  Not that the former was much better.

   I will spare you the messy details. I'll just give you the highlights so the HoHs out there can't yell at their computer screens...

    I was sitting at the table/computer actively doing my 'favourite' activity of late, crying, when Barney approached.  HoH tone " I thought you were going to do_______ today?'.  ( btw it was done 2 days ago but whatever)
 " Seriously?  I am sitting here CRYING and THAT is all you've got? " ( inserting earplugs so as not to hear you men yelling)

                                                       AND we're off....!

     I decided to bail...up the stairs I went...with " Don't you walk away from me ( insert my real name)"--- he never uses my name..or a nickname really -EVER
 Into our room I went, trying to slam the door- stupid over the door hanger grrrrr! He didn't follow...( oh test..and fail...my thoughts driving a bigger wedge between us)

     He would come upstairs for somethings over the next hour, but no matter how hard I willed him to open our bedroom door, it didn't happen.  So I lay there " Big, stupid -poo-poo-head"  <- Okay I really didn't think those exact words, but trust me they were equally as 'mature'.

    An hour later I emerged from our bedroom, no better off then when I went in.  More talk --
B- " I think you should go to the doctor and find out why you are not sleeping at night"

W- " Oh I KNOW why am not sleeping at night" ( again because I am not the big stupid poo poo head )

fight, fight, fight.

 I believe there was a " Don't talk to me like I am an idiot "  Thrown in there.
and then THIS came flying out of my mouth...( hold on while I dive under the table to hide from you people)

" You need to figure out what YOU think is going to work for this marriage, because clearly every idea I have brought up in the past 5 months doesn't work for YOU!"

B- " okay " 

W- Silence and tears..(  thinking...This it.  This is the end of  ttwd )

B- " I just want you to be happy ********.  Life is too short for you not to be happy in our marriage"

And with that he left............( Gee this day was Turing out SO much better than I had planned..NOT)

   He did return, with a clearer mind I suppose.  He had some things to take care of at the bank.  He then found out a little something there, that I hadn't exactly told him about.  A weight I was still carrying on my own.  I was relieved that he had discovered it, and oddly I felt very 'submissive' after his discovery.

    We decided to talk once the kids went to bed.  I had set up our bedroom with candles ( had to- I needed all the help in the lighting department I could get. I'm NOT a pretty crier). -Put on some soothing music-  laid out some food, and you guessed it -wine.  I then changed into what I wear to bed.  The mood was very conducive to talking, um, this night.

     It was very awkward and difficult at the start.  Funny how we choose a mate for life. We agree to 'share' our DNA to create new life together, yet is so difficult to talk about our fears, needs,- feelings with them.
We discussed what needed to be done to keep us on track.

    Maintenance is rearing it's head for good around here.  Barney feels that he needs the 'practice'..lol..and I know I need it to keep my head/heart where it is to supposed to be- where I WANT it to be. In addition with older kids and work schedules this is going to have to be around to keep things under control, for lack of a better term, as things can't always be dealt with ASAP.  Barney also feels this will help him

   We discussed the ins and outs of spanking.- What was ineffective before, and what we both think might be solutions to these issues.  We have agreed it will be a work in progress on both our parts.

   Sheesh what a day/week.  We have both agreed that the distancing, then pushing him to take action was destructive, and that we both played our part in this.  I have agreed to 'try' to refrain from this behaviour, and he has agreed to stop that behaviour in its tracks before it gains speed.


  ***Back after a 'short' typing break, with a tender tush. LOL.  ***

   

   We feel closer again.  I feel more drawn to Barney's presence -. We are striving to make this work, and that is a HUGE relief! The  relief  comes from the fact that we have reassured each other we are  still going to roll the dice and aim for the ladder square!.


*****************************************
Leaving it there would have made an excellent ending eh?  But I have to thank the 'girls' yesterday who emailed me out of concern.  Taking the time and noticing that my responses to my post yesterday seemed off.  I guess my Dad was right, I don't have a poker face and this applies to the written word as well.  Thank you ladies!

29 comments:

  1. Well, I have already given you most of what I had to say on all of this....but I thought I would share with you an epiphany I had after the blow-up Ryan and I had....I know you can hardly wait ;)

    So, I always saw our issues as a problem with a lack of follow through by Ryan. You know, when he wouldn't notice I was struggling...or he didn't call me out on my attitude, or he didn't do maintenance. I felt like, and this sounds silly now, that if I went to him and confessed how I was feeling or told him that I had broken a rule that I was somehow taking over control. What I failed to see is that he is not a mind reader....or a private detective. I have to be able to go to him respectfully and talk about whatever the issue is and then leave it in his hands. Me sitting around have a passive aggressive temper tantrum was doing nothing for us.

    Anyway, sadly this just came to me in the last few days. I am a slooooow learner I suppose. I realized I have to help him out.....ttwd does not come with instructions, and I certainly don't come with an owner's manual <~~~~~~Thank the Lord...my manual would probably say, "Spank her silly atleast every other day for best results." :D

    Love and hugs my friend....

    ~Lucy

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    1. Well I'd LIKE to think my temper tantrums were passive agressive, but *ahem* sadly not so. Sure I didn't scream and carry on, but it was pretty flippin' obvious, even to Barney---lol . OH he noticed alright.

      But you are correct, it doesn't do the relationship any good. The key is to get up the nerve, ( and to sort through the worry that you are trying to control the situation by bringing it up) to talk to them as soon as you recognize the 'symptoms' for they are ( at least in my case) thoughts first before actions. Over the past couple of weeks I have learned to recognize the 'tells' in my head. It is just a matter of bringing it up to Barney at the sign of a first tell. I have to remember NOT to worry about harming our dynamic and informing him of my needs, and trust him to do what is best. It may not always be what I think is best, or what I need, but we'll learn together, provided I am willing to open up.

      Hugs, and lovin' back my little Sassy Penquin!

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  2. I'm glad you guys talked it out. DD isn't always easy, but I've noticed that every time we hit a bump in the road, we come out stronger than ever having hashed a few more things out in the process.

    Hugs,
    Dana

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    1. Thanks Dana

      I've noticed that too. Although yesterday I was unsure of where or if ttwd was actually going to move forward at all. Today is a much better day.

      I hope your non-ttwd sore bum is getting better!

      Hugs back atcha!
      willie

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  4. Sometimes things have to get pretty messy before you can get to where you want to be. Glad you guys are feeling closer again!

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    1. Thanks Tess!

      You are right. I knew it was going to happen too. This time though, half way through I was really concerned. Fortunately the kinks have been worked out for the time being. I'd like to think we are in a better position now to move forward with more success.

      I am being cautiously optimistic :)

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  5. Sorry I wasn't too sensitive in my comments yesterday, and that I was absent the day before. I'm glad everything is better now!

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    1. Ah, Kevan your comments yesterday were just what the doctor ordered actually.

      We were on the 'upswing' by then anyway :) Barney and I watched the video together. Well he doen't have the um, 'appreciation' for 80s (crap) music that I do- so he couldn't stick out the entire thing...Something about being in a bar as opposed to a high school dance at the time *wink*

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  6. Ahhhh Willie,
    Now I know why my post made you cry. Sorry I didn't pay closer attention. Things have been going on over here lately that have been pretty tough. But we are making it through.

    One of the things that I started to do a while ago was when I fall back on my behaviors of dealing with things before DD, I remind myself that it didn't work before and it wasn't going to work now. I was miserable when I behaved that way and that is not how I chose to be now. Sometimes I have to force myself to turn to him and talk over my swollen tongue. It isn't swollen, but it feels like I am gagging on it, it was and still is so difficult to talk sometimes.

    As Lucy said, they are not mind readers. He has committed himself not just to DD, but to you. He said it, "I just want you to be happy". Don't hold it in anymore, turn to him and share your confusion with him, let him help you figure it out. By telling him what you think you need, you are not taking control, you are sharing. As my post showed, what you THINK you need, he may see differently and he may give you something better. It is when you keep it in that you are taking control.

    This DD thing is a *itch isn't it? (chuckles) This weekend he was so giving and at the same time rejecting me. There were some difficult things he was dealing with and not always dealing with it well. After two days I got frustrated and turn away. It took me a little while to talk myself back around, but I did it because giving my back wasn't helping anything but maybe make it worse and the situation required I give him my patience and understanding. He was there waiting for me, with no hard feelings. He knows I am committed to this and will force myself back. It is creating a trust between us.

    Don't let yourself turn away, don't keep it in and don't try to figure it all out before you do turn to him. Let him lead you.

    Love and big hugs.

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    1. My comments at the end were not to slight anyone, please don't apologize, I was merely trying to thank a few people.

      Geez, someday I'll get this blogger thing right!

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    2. You weren't slighting me. I felt something off when I read your post yesterday and was too preoccupied to focuse in on what it was. I am sorry I did't is all.
      I am glad everything is better. : )

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  7. A sore bum puts everything into perspective, and it isn't easy for these men. Ian and I were reading Susie's last blog post last night and he started to respond to what Bas said and then stopped and we talked a long time about it. There is so much uncertainty about what we, as women, really need and why. A husband's first inclination is to love and protect and it is hard not to extend that into letting us off the hook.
    The only answer is time and experience, I'm afraid.
    I am really glad that things are better between you both today and I hate to say it, but if you are like Ian and I, you might repeat this scenario many times. We still do.
    Have a good day, Sweetie.
    hugs
    lillie

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  9. Glad you are working things out and communicating. That is the key to better understanding.

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    1. Yes communication is key, just not always as easy to do as say

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  10. Hey, I'm all proud of you two! It astounds me that sitting down and looking at each other and TALKING can be so uncomfortable. I mean, well, you said it all. Why is it so hard to open up sometimes and why do we need to have such meltdowns before we get there? Bah.

    (No, I'm not done my work but my husband called and told me to take breaks...not feeling 100%.)

    I'm really glad that you are going to give maintenance the college try. It really does help both parties practice. Ours has morphed a lot over time but it has never gone away b/c it keeps us on track no matter how busy or murky life gets.

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  11. Thanks Susie!

    We had discussed maintenance before. Barney was more of the role affirmation mind set. Turns out it looks like maintenance is required. lol

    Things are a long way from settled in me still. Hmm, perhaps that is not the right wording. No matter, I'm in a zone where although I don't feel overly submissive, I have a desire to try. Not really 'feeling' it constantly for a couple of weeks, makes me have to start again in the 'training' mode I suppose.

    Now if I can only get a few good night's sleep in a row ( last night was better) I should be 'good' to go'!

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  12. hugss. see? the talking is awesome... once you get the hang of it.

    i know in the beginning i didn't want to say all those things i had inside cos i felt stupid, like he would think i was silly or laugh at me secretly - but hey, those are just OUR fears. not the reality at all.

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  13. I didn't communicate to Barney at the beginnning because a) I thought I could turn this around on my own. b) I didn't want to seem like I was taking over ( although really I was with my actions) and toward the end c) being let down before, and not having the strength to go through it again...esentially, not trusting him, that didn't work out either.

    Thanks for the Fondley Hugs

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  14. Oh Wilma, What a horrible place you were in! But glad that you have talked it out with Barney (yeah, I know..I should take a leaf out of your book! I hear essay writing is pretty good though as communication)

    Maintenance/Role Affirmation seems to have made an appearance here too...no idea how that happened! (your reply to Susie's reply)

    Not sleeping wont be helping though. I have heard that taking a banana to bed (to eat...) helps you to sleep better, something to do with the ...whatever (oh my, I type that word and immediately go into the 'oh no' mode..it is one of the reactive words I use) in the banana.

    Sorry, a serious reply turned into a silly one.

    I AM thinking and feeling for you Wilma.

    Even though you are not feeling very overly submissive right now (do we ever get to that point?)at least you want to try..and that helps :)

    Remember a hug a day keeps the paddle away (well it probably doesn't, but sending you hugs anyway)

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  15. M3, you are not on your way yet?

    Don't fret about the silly, I have been known to do it myself, once or twice *wink*. Acutally reading about bananas made be think of my code word for Roz's texts, and thought " I do NOT want a banana in bed!"

    I am feeling more broken than submissive at the moment, but at least I am broken within Barney's reach.

    Thanks for your thoughts.

    Have a wonderful trip. I'll miss you!

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  16. Fly out tonight at 11.45pm :)

    Got to get through the daughters graduation this morning first. Then lunch with extended family. Then finish packing :(

    Sorry that you are feeling broken at the moment :( So wish I could help :(

    Loads and loads of hugs to you Willie!

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  17. Well enjoy your day.
    Don't worry about me, I'll get it together eventually :o)

    Pssst...are you going to tell us whether your a Grandmother to a little boy or a little girl? I just LOVE little people. Going 'home' in just over a week to be with my great nephews. The 3 year old is a laugh riot!!

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  18. Awww Willie - Sorry you've been going through such a tough time. Don't have time to read all the comments so if I'm repeating anything, I'm sorry. You, Barney, and your tushie will get through this. Might take a bit more talking, maintenance, role affirmation, to get it together but you will make it! Share your feelings and doubts with him. He will be there! Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  19. Thanks Cat - I guess it is my turn to take the baby steps walk. Who would have thought turning over control of the house, kids, finances etc...would be the easy part?

    Thanks again for everything. It means a lot.

    Willie

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  20. Awe Willie, I am sorry you went through all of that, but am so glad you communicated and that you have some reassurance from Barney and feel closer again. Also that you discussed the way forward. Communication really is the key.

    Ttwd is messy at times, there is no doubt about that. But we usually come out of the mess much stronger.

    How every messy you think your thoughts and feelings are, share them with Barney. Don't try and figure things out on your own.

    Big (((Hugs)))

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  21. Good evening Roz

    The sharing thoughts and feelings part is really going to be the difficult part for me. Figuring things out on my own, has been the way I have always done things my entire life.

    Thanks for the BIG hugs
    W

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