Friday, November 16, 2012

Only Catching Glimpses



     Conflict.   Resolution.   Emerging stronger.   Seems to be the theme not only here but in life.  But what happens when there is a factor that seeps in between resolution and emerging stronger?  What if there is self doubt?  Emerging stronger certainly cannot happen with this factor wedged in there.

   Barney and I talked yesterday and the night before.  The decision was made  (again) to go forward with ttwd.  I haven't wavered from that.  I know this is how things have to be.  How I want them to be.  For once ( at least I think it is once) I  feel I am going to be the force setting us back.  NO- please don't think I have blamed our setbacks on Barney.  I blame our setbacks in the past on BOTH of us.  This time I have to work through things--and I so desperately want to do it myself.  I know, a big NO. NOsigh.

   Aside from THAT glaring issue. I don't exactly KNOW what the problem is.  You see,  I feel different inside.  I can't decide if it the external pressures of life, or if is that I've totally lost my submissiveness.  It would appear that over the past two weeks, I have distance myself so far away from ttwd.  From Barney.

      I want it back.  I want the space to be gone.  I want the wall to be lower.  I want to stop just catching glimpses of my submissive self.  I am truly much happier when I am in that state of mind.

                       
               Talk, talk, talk.  But what to say?  I clearly don't know what is 'wrong'. 



   I look outside, and it a beautiful sunny day, yet I don't want to cross our threshold.  I feel that  if I step out, everything will unravel.  What little piece I have left in me will be blown away, never to be seen again.  Such an irrational fear, yet there it is


      The same can be said for others coming in.  I have had a horrible week. ( I have also had a lot of fun joking and teasing with friends here too).  External factors, which have always been there, have been more disruptive this week.  I have allowed an individual and his comments to poison my emotions.

   Not long after we started ttwd, I was more than capable dealing with this person.   I felt his harsh words, and the true meaning behind them could not affect me anymore. The old addage, " Sticks and Stones.....words can never hurt me"  did not apply this time.  I ended up in a state of rage, which I recognize is my defence to cover the hurt.  I am upset with myself for caring about this.  I let him push me further away from the person I want to be. 

   Barney and I talked about this incident last night.  But what is there to say?  Ignore him?  How can Barney help me with my feelings that arrive when dealing with this person?  Anyway, the incident is merely another factor complicating things.

  I know in the future I have to pay more attention to the warning signs- when I feel I am slipping away a to  talk to Barney about it.  Right now though I have to find my way back, and I am unsure where to start.  What to do.  How to sort through the issues I am having as I am unclear WHAT the problem is exactly.




19 comments:

  1. Why not just clear your mind. Do a meditation, you will be surprised at how freeing that can be. In most instances I always find that I see things so much clearer than before.

    What have you got to lose. Give it a try.
    If that doesn't work, drink more wine. Things won't be much clearer but you won't care.

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  2. Sorry you are feeling overwhelmed Wilma! I wish I had some sage advice to offer, but alas, I'm fresh out;) Sunnygirl's advice sounds pretty solid though! ((hugs))

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  3. Hi Willie
    The real world and the people in can really complicate ttwd. I can't tell you how many spankings I have had because I can't leave my "job" attitude at the job. I have been told a number of times, and had the statements punctuated in the most unpleasant manner that I am not in charge at home and he will not be talked to in that way. I just keep forgetting - it is hard to flip dd on and off.
    When ttwd is new, these ways of being are perhaps not yet entrenched as patterns into our behaviour. They haven't yet become habits. At least that is what Ian tells me. When they have become default ways of reacting, it will be much easier, and so this is the time of hard work.
    In some ways, living dd makes us rely more on our HoH to help us (or at least me) with issues. Maybe it is time that Barney said something to this person? Or even openly embracing you in front of him, and disagreeing with his comment, would let this person know that he doesn't appreciate his comments to his wife.
    Perhaps you have thought about these things, but I know that I have a tendency to hide behind Ian and let him defend me rather than defend myself, which I am quite capable of doing...lol
    Hope things start to feel more settled,
    hugs
    lillie

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  4. Do something outside of your normal routine, by yourself. My husband told me one day to go sit in a cafe, enjoy a cafe mocha and read for a while. " Enjoy the beautiful weather for me, since I will be stuck in an office all day" I had been in a bad place and it totally helped to refocus me. Have you ever had a mani/pedi? by yourself? a professional massage? I know it is cold up that way, sit in a cafe at the window watching people pass, enjoying a cup of something and reading a good book.
    The annoying person? Do you really have to deal with him? Can he be left to Barney? If not, just remember he doesn't hold a place of importance in your life. Smile really big and walk away before he can get to you. I know harder done then said, but force yourself to do it. Maybe when he sees he can't get to you anymore, he will stop.
    I hope you feel better soon.
    Love and hugs!

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  5. Well we call what you are feeling around here a "funk". I get that way from time to time....and sometimes, like you I have no idea what has put me there. I may have little reasons....the kids acting up....too many things on my plate....but when the time comes and Ryan wants to know what is wrong with me...I can't seem to put my finger on what is truly wrong. Maybe it is many little things....who knows? I have yet to figure it out. But, when I get in one of these little funks, as we say, my submissive side gets bogged down....like I am holding all this luggage....and I can't carry everything. I HATE that feeling. I have no idea if this is what you are feeling or not. I have an idea that even though you all had this talk...and somewhat of a resolution, you are still feeling unsettled...because, well because the beginning of this is just that way. I wish I had something better for you. But, I do hope you find your way out...and that you TALK to Barney, even if it is just to say....hey, I am in a mood here and I have no idea why kinda thing.

    Love and hugs my friend.....

    ~Lucy

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  6. Ok Willie, you have me like the lion in the Wizard of OZ...put em up, put em up...I want to kick this dude's rear. I am so sorry that someone is being an ass. Talk to Barney about it...he strikes me as the protective type and remember you can't control others, but you can control how you react to them. I think some of it is tearing down the wall for your spouse and yet leaving some of it intact to protect yourself from others. When you figure that out...let me know. I know I am a long way away, but if someone needs a cyber ass kicking...I am your girl. Oh and like sunnygirl said...wine...wine is always good.
    Love ya,
    Bea

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  7. Well that just plain sucks Willie! Got a funny feeling the individual with the comments is Dan? He's probably getting to you in ways that he previously didn't because you're feeling more fragile at the moment. He sounds like the kind of person that can hone in on someone's doubts/weaknesses and hurt them for a laugh. He's an idiot savant! LOL Ya want me to come kick his sassafras? Bea can do cyber and I'll do physical - get him coming and going. Give me some of his common lines/comments (I'm sure they are all similar) and I'll give you some good answers and I bet we've got some others that will also. Bottom line = he does not matter!

    Sunny had a good idea - clear your mind. You have a tendency to be so hard on yourself and to over-think everything. Sometimes there is no reason - it just is. If all else fails, ask Barney to play bongo on your tushie for a few days - maybe that will clear your mind. ;)

    Sending lots of warm hugs, healing energy, and prayers your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  8. Hey everyone, I hope you don't mind me just this once answering everyone at once.

    What really has me wanting to comment is Cat. I can't believe I am going to defend a friend that no one here knows- lol- Um, not sure if you are confusing Dan with Gazoo, and who can blame you with all my 'personalities' and real friends. Dan/Roseanne, the couple I was estranged from, would NEVER EVER say hurtful things- I know this sounds ridiculous due to the fact that we didn't speak for a year, but that was due to Dan/Wilma pride. Dan only protects my heart. He does know me as well as Barney and in some ways(for the moment) better-kinda cut from the same cloth. He would NEVER take his knowledge of my vulnerabilites and use them against me. 'Twas Gazoo- I do believe Cat you had him as the reason I was going to be spanked the first time in the pool. LOL

    Barney read the email correspondance between Gazoo and I ( all in print so I can't deny a thing) and has said he is going to talk to him-AGAIN. That no one should talk to ANYONE that way, least of all me. That being said, Gazoo was here yesterday, and things were fine between us.

    The incident with Gazoo didn't start the ball rolling, it was already in motion. It just bothered me because it bothered me...lol AND yes you are so correct I do OVER think everything.

    Today around here was like HoH appreciation night, except for Wilma! Yay Barney! I was ordered to lay down. I was given a back massage. Eventually someone * wink * washed my back in the tub. We had cheese fondue ( prepared mostly by my HoH) for dinner by candle light. I have been touched, cuddled and reassured all afternoon/evening. He says he hated reading my post. That we have to figure out why I feel this way.

    "It" is not going to be fixed overnight. I am going to take your advice tomorrow Blue Bird and head outside (brrr) tomorrow and go somewhere I haven't been in years. I am going to STOP thinking about ttwd tomorrow, and think about Wilma.

    I appreciate all my TOUGH girlfriends here! I love you all!

    Wilma

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    1. Sorry about that Willie - I did mean Gazoo. My apologies to Dan. Still think you ought to let me come kick Gazoo's sassafras.

      When you go out tomorrow - pamper Wilma and think nothing but lovely thoughts about her!

      Love ya,
      Cat

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    2. Haha! Ya know Cat, I was standing there washing dishes thinking how silly it was for me to feel the need to defend Dan in blog land ! Geez Wilma. Like it really matters ? For crying out loud, his name isn’t even Dan…bwahahaha!

      As for Gazoo, he’s not ALL that bad- ( ducking tomatoes thrown in my direction). I would still trust my entire family lives in his hands. It is so very complicated. Things have changed so much over the years. Barney and Dan have their own theories, which I care not to think about—they continually remind me I am not a man so I don’t know how men think…Personally their theories sound more like Gazoo is a boy- which has merit. LOL.

      Tomorrow I am hoping to head to an area of ‘town’ that is full of little shops. I’ll go and fondle things ( sadly no produce) walk along the water and perhaps walk the entire 2 hour trip home. Time will tell- life has a habit of getting in the way. :0)

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    3. Yeah, Barney, yeah! Yeah, Barney, yeah!


      Go, Wilma, go! Go, Wilma, go!


      Bad, Gazoo, bad! I knew it was Gazoo!


      Have fun tomorrow Wilma and for the rest of the weekend!

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  9. Oh Blue Bird, you know tomorrow while I am wandering around this enclave of exhippies that have managed to turn themselves into snobs, fondling candles, pottery and cotton blankets, I am going to hear your Wilma cheer in my head !

    Enjoy your weekend as well.

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  10. Oh Wilma, Firstly, please forgive me if I don't make much sense, and for my terrible typos. Also, being Saturday morning. I'm not sure if I am too late for coffee. You see, Rick is away for the night and I've had a girls night with my friends. I've come back home with a new hairdo, thanks to one of my friends, who is a hairdresser, but I fear it may be too short for Rick. let me tell you, he is VERY particular about my hair. I love the hair, but he is ober serious about how he likes it. I fear I might be in trouble. Also It is far too late and I'm not sure how happy he will be about that. Despite that, I just had to check in with my morning coffee/bedtime tea buddy. I am truly sorry I am late to the party here.

    Anyway, enough about me. Yep. ttwd does make us so much vulnerable in all ways, not just within our relationship and we do react more to external pressures, such as those you are currently facing. From your comments it sounds as though Barney has you back which is great and I hope that together you will resolve these feelings.

    Love and Hugs

    Roz

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  11. I still have about a 1/4 of a cup of coffee left Roz :)

    I hope Rick isn't too disappointed with your new 'do. It will grow if he doesn't like it- but more disappointing would be that you like and he doesn't. Happy you had fun with your girlie girls though.

    Things are most definitely better today. As to Barney having me 'back', we're working on it. He's doing his part, I have to actively do mine. Like I said the incident was just that an incident, and didn't start the distancing-- in fact if I had been in the right mindset, it most likely wouldn't have bothered me as much. I have to learn not to take the bait.


    Good Luck with Rick!

    SMOOOOOOOOOOCHES

    Willie

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  12. Thanks Willie :)

    I find with ttwd we tend to just 'feel' things much more deeply and external influences can have a huge impact on how we react to our husband and how submissive we feel. it does also impact on how we react to these external factors depending on the situation.

    I'm not surprised you reacted to the situation the way you did. The vulnerability we feel within our relationship can spill over to other aspect of our life at times.

    I'm glad you are feeling better today. OK, really should get into bed now!

    Love and Hugs

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  13. Oops, I mean Barney has your back, not you back! Luv and hugs

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  14. Good grief woman- get your short-haired, drunkin' butt to bed before you really catch it!

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  15. Wilma, I have been reading the posts since you started and cannot believe how similar we are! I am so sorry to see you hurting. You are a breath of fresh air, and SUCH a delight to hear from! I feel so much of the things you write about are spoken directly to/about me. I have no desire to have a blog of my own, but somehow reading about you and your experiences helps me feel less alone. Don't let some fool with no mouth/brain filter get to you, Honey! You are a treasure to me and the girls here. Peace and Love to you, Sugar!

    Pamela

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  16. Welcome Pamela!

    Flattery, by the way, will get you everywhere with me! *wink*.

    Seriously though, you words are very kind. I shall treasure them, and try to remember them when I am in doubt about posting the adventures of Weepy Willie. Because I am sure she's going to be around for a very long time!

    I can understand you not wanting to blog, but if you ever decide to get a blogger ID, you could email anyone in this community when you need support. If you don't decide to go that route, I hope you do know that you are not alone. This an equally difficult and rewarding journey we have all decided to embark on.

    Please comment anytime!

    Really, Pamela thank you so much for your kind words!

    Willie

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