Friday, November 2, 2012

Welcome Back Weepy Willie

YUP That didn't take long...sigh

 I am an emotional sponge.  I always have been.  Barney and I were discussing this a few weeks ago.  I believe the conversation went something like this,

" Empathy is one thing, but this is a bit much" ( no he's not a cold fish, that quote was actually from me, he said something much kinder than that before my comment).
  
Perhaps it would be better to think of emotions of the people around me like a tornado, ( sorry Lillie for using that reference) and I inevitably get sucked in.  No matter how hard I try, their emotions become my emotions.  Aside from anger I was very good at shoving this down in the past<- again  I feel the need for a disclaimer, NOT HEALTHY.  I know many of you have applied this technique in your past too, perhaps some of you are still doing that.

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from a friend, ( for those of you following the Never Ending Saga of Wilma's life, the friend was Roseanne) She began the conversation off asking me about where to purchase a certain item.  I had noticed on the phone that she was calling from home.  The item in question could be purchased anywhere, so the question seemed odd. I didn't answer her question initially, I asked her if she was alright, why she was home during the day on a Thursday?  It turns out her father had passed away on Tuesday.  We knew it was coming.  That doesn't make it any easier though.  I've only met her father once I think, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's soon after we met.  In truth, she lost her father well over 2 years ago.

I told her I had what she was looking for at my house, and not to bother to go to the store.  Barney said he'd drop it off at their place on his way to work.  This was the catalyst for my current state, at least I think it was.  Who knows? I swear I think Dd has driven me, insane,( arguably NOT a long drive).  Emotionally speaking anyway. Grrr.  So my current state of mind/ emotions are not directly related to ttwd- meaning it isn't an issue between Barney and myself.  It is just Wacky Weepy Wilma..sigh.

Throughout the day I kept thinking of Roseanne.  Everyone will tell her it is for the best. That he is no longer suffering.  That he was gone from her years ago.  Truth be told though, she can no longer reach out and touch him.  Yes, often when she came back from visiting him, she was very upset.  Out of sight out of mind, I suppose.  She thought of not going sometimes, because he didn't even know she was there anymore.  I would ask her if something were to happen tomorrow, would she be okay with that decision.  Her answer was always no - until two weeks ago that is.

Roseanne and her husband have moved out of our neighbourhood.  They used to live a stones throw away from my house. My youngest was practically adopted by them.  When Roseanne's brother died, I whipped into Wilma mode with cooking and cleaning and tying ties, anything that needed to be done I did.  Things have changed since then, and I feel sort of useless. 

Here's the thing though, I feel guilty.  I have never minded funerals. I know that sounds horrible, but in some way they are cathartic.  After my Dad died, it gave me an 'excuse' to shed a few tears, and no one even batted an eye.  Yesterday the tears were there most of the day.  For me.  For my loss.  I thought of Roseanne not being able to touch her Dad, but I think I was just trying to make myself feel like a good friend.  I think I was, no I know I am missing my Dad so terribly right now.  Christmas is coming up, a bitter sweet time.  I usually push, push, push, down those emotions- now this ttwd won't allow that- most times

So for most of the day I was in this fragile emotional state.  Unfortunately I allowed it to take over a few other areas.  I stayed 30 minutes longer on the computer then I was supposed to...sigh.  It isn't a huge deal at the moment for Barney, but it doesn't help my submissive state of being to blatantly break a rule. I manipulated a few things so they didn't have to get done on the list ( one which I create keep in mind).

I checked the mail later than normal yesterday.  In it was a letter from The Heir Apparent's high school.  This is the time of year that we get progress reports.  It is usually very frustrating for us because our son as an IEP ( individual education plan)  there are certain concessions made for him because of his dyslexia.  Nothing major, aside from the fact that he is entitled to a Board provided computer with voice software, a little extra time on tests.  He is supposed to have his tests and work sheets printed on coloured paper because he, ( thanks to his funky momma) has what is called Irlen syndrome/Scotopic Sensitivity .  Yes Wilma your DNA is the gift that keeps on giving! Anyway because of the way things go, teachers aren't able to get around to IEP and the computers aren't usually given out until mid October...so you can see how these initial reports are difficult to interpret for us. 

I knew I shouldn't do it.  I knew I shouldn't open the envelope.  I knew Barney would be home in a few hours, and we could read it together.  HOWEVER, Heir Apparent's education IEP stuff has always been my department- being the resident dyslexia expert and DNA provider of all things funky. So in my shaky at best state of mind, I read through the mountain of paperwork.  Blah, blah, blah, not handed in, ( probably in the bottom of his school bag) etc..nothing new. EXCEPT...whoa what is THISDisruptive?  Holy h*ll! OH I DON"T THINK SO.  Here's the thing, we have 3 boys, and for whatever reason, they have never hung off the rafters.  They have always been street angels, respectful of others ( outside of our house, and most of the time inside too).  NEVER have we received anything to do with behaviour. Who was this kid?    To add to it, this note came from his history teacher.  History is his favourite class.  The kid is a walking encyclopedia.  For those who aren't familiar with us 'learning disability people'  we generally have one area where we are exceptionally off the charts compared to others.  Some people are exceptional athletes ( pretty sure you know I don't fit into THAT category), others number crunchers...( nope not me again or the Heir Apparent either).  Anyway he is all about history and facts, and dates..etc.  Life with the History Channel and Discovery Channel has been good to him, as he is an Auditory learner. So what the heck? 

At Thanksgiving we were having our usually history that turned into world issues conversation at the table, (well I was trying to talk turkey, literally with my 10 year old, as Barney and Heir Apparent were chatting) when Heir Apparent was boasting how he bested the history teacher that week.  ARGH.  I respectfully reminded him that although we were proud of the fact that he is very knowledgeable in history that it is never nice or a good idea to embarrass someone ESPECIALLY YOUR TEACHER in front of a group- or anywhere really.  (He claims that is where the teachers comment originated from. This incident.)

Again, I should have stopped.  I should have just waited, but I didn't.  I approached Heir Apparent.  I remained calm, but I am beginning to realize that the teenage brain always feels like a discussion is an attack.  Righto Wilma, stay calm.  I did.  He didn't. It got out of control. In short I was sucked into his emotional tornado.  I wanted Barney home ASAP, although that wasn't going to happen.   Eventually Heir Apparent threw this gem my way.

" Well right now I don't even think of you as my mother.  I just think of you as someone who takes care of me" ( Um kinda the same thing, when I think of it in the light of day)

 I was hit ( not literally).  Deeply wounded, then it got worse.  I won't elaborate, but it wasn't pretty.  He went for a walk.  I , well I suppose you know what I did. 

As I sat in my empty living room with Heir Apparent cruising the neighbourhood, the tears began, but then I felt the switch track click.  Old habits die hard. I was attempting to move the direction of the emotional train to Numbville.  Mini victory- I clicked the switch again before the train got off course.

Barney came home late. I was still up.  Thankfully I was distracted by a blogger friend ( *wink* you know who you are and you were such a welcome distraction, even if I feel I stayed up too late talking last night, yawn).  On the verge of tears again, I told him I wasn't having a good day.  He read the reports and had a very similar reaction.  So he had to process, which means he couldn't, at the time deal with me as he had to deal with his own anger/disappointment.  I kinda just flapped in the breeze for a while.  It's okay, he had to have time. In bed I fell asleep in his arms.

This morning Heir Apparent was normal.  Well as normal as a 15 year old boy can be ( sigh I miss my little boy sometimes). I on the other hand- not so much.

I am distracted, unfocused, weepy, weepy, weepy.  I normally have my meals planned out for the following week done by Thursday night, today I had the days written down, but nothing beside them.  Barney held me, as I cried.  He said that I didn't have to do A, B. or C if I didn't feel up to it.  I told him, I didn't think not doing stuff was a good idea.  Later he came to me and said,

" I think you probably need a reset -don't you?'

 " Yeah, probably"

Only that didn't happen.  Although I don't hurt anymore, the bruising looks its worst because it is old I guess.  Dunno...never paid as much attention to bruises ( most times I don't even know how I got them- ah dyslexia and your spacial issues) as I have this week- then again, Barney didn't either! lol

He said when he talked to Roseanne yesterday, the first thing she said was " Wilma doesn't have to go come on Saturday you know" ( her father's funeral is about 45 minutes away) Which to me says more than anything she really wants me there.  And I will go because it is the right thing to do, I'm just afraid of the amount of tears that are going to be shed.  At the moment I feel very raw, actually I feel like an open wound.  I so desperately want to cover it up, but I know that is not what has to be done.  It has to be left in the open to dry and heal.

Yesterday I felt my balloon deflate.  Not pop, so there is hope- it can still be re inflated !

 ( Personally, I think they still look pretty like this too...just not as showy)

Barney expressed that he wished he could go tomorrow to be with me, but he is working.  I'll get through it. Perhaps a band aid --just for those few hours? 

31 comments:

  1. Sorry you had a bad day. I understand wanting to be there for your friend and shedding tears at a funeral is normal. Don't worry about it.

    Hugs

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    2. Thanks Sunny.

      I don't particularly care for this kind of post. I prefer my last two better. Today is grim, I must admit. I'd like to throw on my flannel pj's ( which no longer seem to get used) and climb under the covers. I won't though. I'll keep busy-sorta.

      I'm not worried about the tears at the funeral, it is the emotion that comes with them. Selfish Wilma and Friend Wilma are still battling it out for a final decision.

      Thanks for the hugs

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  2. 15 year old boys...sigh...sounds similar to our house a few years ago. I hope that you start to feel 'normal' again. Well done for not switching tracks to numbville! Wish I had your strength Wilma :)

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  4. Hey M3

    Any tips on all of us making it out of the teenage years unscathed? lol

    As for my strength? Not sure if I would use that as a character description for myself.

    There are people out there that actually have REAL problems- so I really don't see myself as strong at the moment. Quite the opposite as a matter of fact.

    I appreciate the comment none-the-less.

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  5. ((hugs)) Wilma! I am sure your friend will appreciate having you there to support her.

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  6. Oh Wilma.....((((hugs))))

    I know what you mean about loss...and tears...and this time of year....blah! There are moments I would give anything to call up my dad and just say Hi...you know...tell him the day to day stuff.

    Ttwd does make us so vulnerable and open....and boy, if you are not used to that it can be so exhausting!

    A friend of mine who has three sons, one a teenager, went through a similar phase with her usually very mature, polite young man. He began using words to hurt them. She told me that she looked at those things as he said as if he was throwing a gauntlet at them...she just refused to pick it up...refused to engage on that level. Now that is easier said than done, and comes from someone not thick in the middle of all that you are. Geez oh pete one of the twins told me that I was mean....and this is the bad part...that I hated HIM!!! Yes, I wanted to die :(

    All this being said, be kind to yourself, give yourself permission to feel what you feel....and yes, that might mean that you are up to your ears in tears...but so be it.

    I gotta go for now, I am *supposed* to be cleaning the downstairs bathroom as we speak...eeek! Such a rebel ;)

    Lots of love coming your way from the mid-west :)

    ~Lucy (currently water-logged from my f

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    1. Well my water-logged friend, I'm glad you are being a good girl:)

      I'm a little waterlogged myself-not related to the darn food journal, which I am severly FAILING in again ..sigh. Pretty sure halloween candy and cream soda aren't going to cut it. Come to think of it neither will my teeth if I continue to eat like that.

      The "not my mother comment" didn't actually set me off, it more set him off. He went down the road about presure. He tries to make everything seem fine, ( yeah, I know) and then the report from school came and he was confused then angry and then it brought out more comments...anyway that reminds me he has to clean up some of the mess he created yesterday.

      I worry so much about his emotional state of mind. Outside of school- like in the summer- there are NO issues. We are very tight. Honestly he has a fantastic sense of humour, and he is very much MY son. Friends comment on that all the time. Which also worries me. I had some very dark times during high school too.

      He's back to his normal witty self today. I shouldn't have talked to him last night. He gets so tired, and drained from school. I've given Barney heck over the years for just doing that. Nothing good comes from it. The morning is better.

      Barney is going to want me to go with him to talk to his teachers. This sends anxiety running through every vein in my body. That would be another LONG (boring) post, so I'll skip it. But it is weighing on my mind at the moment to.

      As for the Daddy tears, they generally leak out at least once a week. This is different though. I can't explain it. I guess I'll just contribute it to ttwd.

      Upside, Barney was running around here like he had an HoH cape on today. I know he doesn't like to see me hurting but he was also in protective mode.

      Guess I should go eat something..perhaps lots of little somethings to fill my journal page( do you think, Areo, Kit Kat, Cheesies, and an apple will fool Barney?).


      Thank you for my Mid-Western, waterlogged Love!

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  7. Okay...that was supposed to be signed (currently water logged from all of my fluid in take today...thank you very much) I hit enter too soon!

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  8. Wilma,
    Went through this last week. I have officially turned all things related to school and teenager over to my husband. I am not completely out of it but if I ask a question and he gets defensive, I stop the conversation and let my husband deal with it. To my deep chagrin, it is working. I guess they are trying to flex their burgeoning HOH muscles on us, don't give them the chance to try. He is making good chooses now that it's not his mommy telling him what to do.
    Oh...my sweet little boy....sigh.
    With your friends funeral, if you are like me you will hold the crying to the minimum because your complete focus will be about your friend. However beware on the car ride home, crying while driving can be more dangerous than driving through a major storm.
    ((((hugs))))

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    1. Hey Blue Bird.

      Yes I should have left well enough alone. It is hard though because up until last year, when we(I) decided it was sink or swim time for Heir Apparent, I had to go and CLAW and fight for him to have everything he needed for school-every year. It didn't matter if it was in his file in black and white, we still had to follow through or he'd get so frustrated that nothing good would come of it. It is not that he can't learn, it is just that he has to be taught differently. When he was little I was the one outside in November with the sidwalk chalk getting him to write on the driveway his spelling words because kenetic memory is strong. I'd come up with mnemonics to remember French words...well because that is how I learned to cope when I was little. This was out of Barney's league, so to speak. So it is difficult to let go. I have to though, because I am starting to relive my past, and even though we share the same learning disability title, we are very different in most aspects of it.

      Barney has already commented about me driving there and back. It is a divided high way all the way, but I don't think that is what he was referring too.

      I'll have my (almost) 11 year old with me- the one that practically LIVED at my friend's house when they lived in the neighbourhood, so his nattering and the crummy, ( although very upbeat) radio station that he likes should keep my thoughts from wondering while driving.

      Thanks for the tips and hugs!

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  9. Sending a hug your way. Take care.

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  10. Thanks Naughty P.

    I feel guilty for all of the hugs. I truly do. This is something small that I have to work through. On the grand scheme of life and the rest of the world, this wouldn't even be a blip.

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  11. I've been thinking of you all day, chica. *big huge hugs*

    You are a good Mama, friend and wife...though I've only known you a very short time, it is so obvious.

    Always available to chat!

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  12. Chica?! Yikes I feel like I know you. I have a few friends that call me that....*wink* I should say a few OTHER friends that call me that.

    Your words are so kind. They actually gave me a little flutterby in my stomach.

    I'm lucky it is Friday no internet restrictions!

    TTY soon.

    Thanks for your support!

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    1. PS. you wouldn't happen to be a 6 foot One amazonian woman with blonde hair would you?...just checkin'...lol

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    2. Umm...no! The exact opposite, in fact.

      I feel like I know you too, sweets. ( I have all kinds of nicknames for my friends). I read the posts, too - thanks for that!

      Night, sleep well.

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    3. Oh I'm happy you findly were able to open them. If you get a moment, email me and tell me if your opinion has changed...lol..or if I set your mind at ease, is probably more acurate.

      Enjoy ther rest of your weekend(if I don't 'talk' to you)

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  13. Wilma-Middle Name-Last Name! (((hugs))) ! Don't you dare feel guilty for all the hugs!!! That is what we are all here for - to support each other in the big and small things we each have to work through in life. DD seems to bring our emotions closer to the surface - one of the more painful parts of the journey. Notice I did not say most painful. ;)

    You are a wonderful friend to go support Roseanne and I'm sure she will appreciate it. Roseanne might have lost her father two years ago mentally, but she could still go hold his hand and talk to him - there was still hope - which is now gone. Even when I was praying for the good Lord to take my father and release him from his pain, I was praying for a miracle to restore him to health and our family. If you think it would help her, print a copy of my dad's poem and take it to her. As far as your tears for your dad, you and I both know that it doesn't matter how long they have been gone, there is always a hole in your heart that sometimes is ok and sometimes aches so bad that all you can do is cry.

    Teenagers - raised two sons - I survived and so did they! You and Heir Apparent will get through this. Amazing how teenagers perceive any conversation initiated by a parent as an attack which then puts them in defense/attack mode. And the little stinkers know you so well, that they know exactly the right words to hurt you the most. Can we say deflection. (shaking head) Faced school officials more than once. :) Just remember to go in there as firm, advocate Wilma and you will be fine. Sending you lots and lots of BIG (((Hugs))) and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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  14. Thanks for the scolding Cat.

    The Powers that Be just gave me a good shot of perspective as well. I spent a good deal of time this evening listening to a friend who has a wee one who has ADHD and possible Tourettes. The poor thing says the most violent things-( she is the most adorable little fart in a mitt though). Her older daughter has recently been diagnosed with ADD.

    My life is a walk in the park with classical music in the background. She thanked me for listening and told me for some reason I am always there ( online, as we no longer are neighbours) whenever she needs me. I actually, in turn thanked her for helping me.


    Barney's Mom always said " God doesn't give you more than you can handle" I'm grateful he doesn't think I can handle much! ( touch wood )

    Thanks for coming back and sharing you kind words Cat!

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  15. Oh Wilma, feeling guilty for the hugs? I hope you aren't any more, and if you are, tough! - coz here comes a great big one from me to you - (((((HUGS)))))

    The way you are feeling is completely understandable and my heart goes out to you. I'm sure the passing of your friends father has brought up feelings for you with your own father and then the issues with your son. You are right too, ttwd makes us far more vulnerable.

    I feel for you sweetie, and I hope you are feeling better in yourself soon.

    As you know, it was my turn yesterday. I want to thank you so much for being there for me when I needed it. We were obviously in blogland at the same time. I wrote my post, commented on your last post, checked your previous post and saw the lovely reply you had left me. A little later I went back in again and saw your reply to the comment I had just left on your last post and then saw your very lovely comment on my post. (I hope all of that made sense!).

    I can't tell me just how much of a boost you gave me, and how much your words meant last night. If felt as though you were right there with me comforting me.

    I'm gonna give you another (((Hug))) - just for good measure.

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    1. AW Roz-My Morniing Coffee Budy, you're so sweet!

      ( confusing in the middle-but sweet none-the-less)!

      I sincerly hope whatever was 'at' you on Friday seems better today!

      Crazy day 'up' here yesterday. Laughed a lot at myself gotta tell ya- and a bathroom misshap means I'll be adding painting to my bathroom to my list in the very near future- I could explain, but this is probably more fun leaving it at that. *wink*

      Hope the last day of your weekend brings you the happiness you deserve!

      Love Wilma

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    2. Hi Wilma, OMG, my comment was a bit garbled wasn't it! Sorry about that :)

      I won't try and explain it again, otherwise it will come out wonky again lol. Suffice to say, I really appreciated you last night, you gave me a tremendous boost. Yes, today has been a much better day!

      I sincerely hope you a feeling much brighter soon.

      Love Roz

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    3. LMBO!

      Now worries Roz, once I made a chart on extra large graph paper, I figured it out!

      I'm ( on my second cup of coffee- only on the weekends) doing a happy dance for you in my kitchen! Not only a better day for you but you included an exclamation mark! Whoo Hoo!!

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  16. Hi Wilma, am soo sorry you are sad, thinking of you at this difficult time.love and hugs Jan.x

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  17. Good morning Jan

    It is always so nice to see your name now on my blog.

    I think today will be a better day ( outside of the funeral), but I still feel a little 'weathered'- Meh, could be November blues. Crumb I hope not! It is only the 3rd for crying out loud!<- Hmmm? Ironic I chose that saying.

    Anyway- one foot in front of the other. Fake it til I make it ( not Dd related this time).

    Thanks for stopping by and offering loves and hugs.

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  18. Willie :)
    big big hugs
    The loss of my beloved parents has been one of the darkest moments in my life. My parents were much older and I worried about them all my life. They lived to a ripe old age, but it wasn't enough - I needed more. No matter what the circumstances, Alzheimer's Disease or a sudden accident, there is no preferable way to make it less painful. One part of our brain can say "it is for the best" and the child in us just wants a hug from Mum or Dad, to bury your head in their neck and breathe them in.
    As the mother of two kids who survived the teenage years, I hear ya. The hormonal storm raging only adds to the angst in the rest of their lives. It is hard to ride it out, hang in there.
    love and hugs
    lillie

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    1. The hormonal storm ? More like the HORROR-MOAN-ALL storm ! (Hmm? I'll have to remember that one) Makes me wish we started this Dd 'thing' earlier so maybe I wouldn't be AS big of a mess dealing with life...sigh...then again who knows ?

      Thanks Lillie. I suppose you are happy to be home.

      Wilma

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  19. Update...Back and phew!

    I tried in my head to figure out some way not to go today, but in the end I knew I had to for me. That I would never forgive myself if I let my friend down. (She of course was happier to see 3rd In Line For The Throne than me :) )

    For the first time in my married life (17 years) I sat in a chapel of a funeral as a wife not a daughter. I listened as the Minister spoke of Ted, the father, but what really struck an emotional cord in me was Ted the husband. I thought of being the wife without a husband, no longer the daughter without a father.

    BTW- Good thing I went, because I ended up driving Roseanne's Mom ( the EXwife..lol) home. Seriously, though it was good. She needed to let our all of her stuff-so for the hour car ride home, we talked for her. :)

    So time to get this joint in order as Saturday is always Cook together night!

    Thanks all! I'm hoping my next post goes back to unicorns and rainbows!

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