Friday, December 7, 2012

Pardon? Did You Say Something?

 I am only posting for the purpose to settle the curiosity of those of you who were 'kind' enough to comment on my blog, and the fix you thought I needed yesterday.  PLEASE let me apologize in advance if this blog post comes off curt.   So I guess you basically know how today went.  For those who need to know...yeah I got spanked, but not the way I was told, and it really was no big deal.

I went into today with a huge submissive heart.  Barney and I discussed things after Tuesday and what may or not be effective in reaching me.  In HELPING me.  He read all your comments yesterday too.  He had all the information and then he did this with it.


Suddenly my submissive heart put on her chain mail.  All was not lost because the major artery was still left unprotected, but you understand.  Once again this sparked another discussion.  A very long, very similar discussion.
 This went on for a good while, and a great deal of, " I understand" from both parties. We have talked, and talked and talked some more.  We have both expressed our areas of concern.-our 'weaknesses' -How far we have come and the difficulites of keeping pace with each other.  Goodness knows I am all about the







so he can mull over my thoughts, and feelings and we can discuss them, and how to proceed in a way that will break down barriers I put up.  Today's discussion was no different. We talked about the contents of my blog yesterday.  The importance of following through with what was decided on.  I take no issue in what he decides, as long as he does what he says. ( I know what you are going to say here...as long as he plays by my rules?  No)  He knows this is very important to me, as we are on such uncertain ground, it doesn't take much for me to topple.  After our discussion life was to proceed as originally planned after Tuesday Role Affirmation um, set back? Only no..that is not what happened either.

WE had just finished discussing the importance of following through, holding steady in an area where we think we need fix or moving on if it doesn't work. Only this is the message that was delivered


The switch should really be in the middle as it is one in the same.  Or so it feels at the moment. This leaves me feeling like this.:



So where are we?  I don't know. Things did not end well today.  The chain mail isn't there, but one crushed woman is. My feelings are hurt.  Not because things didn't go my way, but because we talked about all kinds of things and his actions lead me to believe he didn't hear a word I said.  I am to be patient.  I know that. But I don't know how much longer I can handle being constantly hurt in this manner- dismissed while he processes.  


and I'm sure he is too.  Today, right now, I don't know if it is enough.  I have said time and time again this is not about the spanking for me.  I know it is merely a tool...It is about communication, but that doesn't seem to be registering either- perhaps on both our parts.

I know. I know


( I love baby feet)


For the time being, I am going to try so desperately to be submissive on my own, forgetting that I asked for help. Unhealthy?  Perhaps, but it is the only way I can see this moving forward.  I have to live like I did before I told Barney about Dd.  I can't lean on him right now.  I know what you are all going to say, but I just can't.  I have to wait for him to catch up right?  Well if I am so far ahead I have to go this part alone. So counterproductive to what we are trying to achieve, but I don't know how else to cope.  I really don't.

25 comments:

  1. Been wondering how things were since the early hours of this morning.

    Probably not the best one to comment right now..but here goes.

    First..HUGS (Many many Hugs)

    Second..I don't think you are trying to play by your rules, you are just trying to get it sorted to a point where you are both getting the best.
    And, (I am going to chuckle here, and grab one of those beers of yours) ttwd is about communication. You cannot go around not knowing from day to day, what is happening. It is more frustrating, confusing etc than everything put together.

    You have to know the boundaries, and know that anything against them are going to be dealt with.

    I can only say that from my own experience/s.

    This post is heart wrenching Willie. And really I have no great wisdom or advice. I wish I did. I truly do.

    I wish that Barney was able to see and hear you.

    Sitting here staring at the screen, thinking 'come on, think of something useful to type and say, something to make it all alright'

    Just hugs Willie, and know that you are never invisible.

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  2. It is a very good post Willie.

    We are so still on the same page you and me. All my anger last week.....well this week I was ashamed of myself. Where was my submission? The man was sick and I totally lost it. I was going to write a post about it next week. I am still working some things through.

    He and I are not on the same page either and I don't know when we ever will be. BUT I decided I have to keep moving down this road. Honing my own skills with submission. He is far behind me on that road, but he is still with me, I still see him. He has not stopped moving. But yah, if I try to stay in the same space he is at the moment, I will start pacing circles around him and that will just make me dizzy with anger again.

    Focus on yourself, on what you need to do. As long as you continue to communicate, you are not alone. I wish I could just give you that Dd on/off switch. In fact I myself would pay alot of money for one.

    Barney reads all of your e-mails, your posts, our comments, other blogs. He is trying. Don't forget that. He may be taking a reeeeally long time to process everything, but he is reading and talking to you. He is there for you Wilma. It is just really hard after how many decades to interpret what being there for you means for YOU. It doesn't matter how many times you say it directly, he still has to GET IT.

    I still can't pry my husbands mouth open. He still hasn't read any blogs or posts unless I send them to him and then he still won't talk about it.

    It took us how many years to get here? It is going to take a lot more then a couple of months to change it.

    If you haven't done this already, go back and read all of your posts from the beginning til now, all of the comments too. I did this the other day, and it made me realize just how far we actually have come.

    Love you and hugs Willie!

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  3. Oh Willie.. I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling like this.
    ((hugs hugs hugs))

    I completely agree with M3 on the communication issues.
    We have had MANY bumps in the road due to lack of communication, or my interpretation of HIS interpretation of things.

    Not knowing where you stand is going to make you feel this way, and I would be VERY guilty of retreating inside and becoming a big old distancing dixie (as you say)

    I know this is the answer everyone hates to hear... but TIME... it really takes time for things to sink into these male brains... they just are not sponges like we are.

    They have big old hard heads that need PLENTY of time to process - and I do not mean this in disrespect at all..
    I know my hubby sometimes comes back 3 days later with thoughts and I've already gone through many processes with the feelings I had and then gotten over it... and HE is still back there on page one...

    Hang in there.. really!
    Come complain to us, chat and WE will hear you, let you vent - anything!!

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  4. Awwww Willie - Sending you lots of warm ((((HUGS))). I am so sorry things did not go as you had hoped.

    Before commenting, I went back and read some of your earlier posts and have read this one several times trying to get my thoughts in order.

    If I'm wrong sweetie, just ignore me, but it seems as if you and Barney are listening to but not hearing each other. Many times when we are speaking to someone, we have a tendency to be thinking of the next point we want to make or just hearing some of the words (passive listening) so that we don't actually end up understanding what the other person is trying to convey. We either hear what we want to hear or hear something totally different that what they are actually trying to say. Not saying either of you are doing this, just throwing it out here as a possibility.

    Have you tried active listening? What I mean by that is in a perfect world, you say "I feel xyz" and then Barney shows he understands what you are saying by repeating it back to you in his words "If I understand what you are saying, you feel xyz". In first starting this, you will probably get a lot of "OK, you feel abc" or "I understand you feel yzx". In the beginning, this technique can really slow down a conversation but once you both get in the habit, it can actually cause a conversation to go a lot quicker.

    Of course, I could be way off base and if I am, I truly apologize.

    I know it is much easier said than done but please try to keep Submissive Sally in the forefront. Barney will find his way through this and it will be much easier for both of you to move forward if you have not allowed Defiant Debbie and/or Distancing Dixie to to hang around with their anger, bitterness, resentment, indifference, etc.

    Sending lots of prayers that you two find your balance soon.

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cat

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  5. Awww Willie. I wish I could give you real hugs. Sometimes it's hard waiting on our guys to catch up.

    I don't know if I told you or not, but it took me over a year to work up my nerve to talk to Steve about DD. Since I had spent that entire time reading everything I could find, I was miles ahead of him by the time I finally talked to him. It took him a while to catch up and even now, sometimes he's not quite up to where I am and I struggle to maintain a submissive heart while I wait on him. It isn't easy.

    I don't have anything in the way of advice. Well I do, but you already know it. Just know that you're not alone in this and if you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

    Hugs,
    Dana

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  6. Hi my friend :)

    I am glad you wrote this. I was and am at a loss as to what to say...how to help. I think this is one of those times that we can all say or do a million things....but in the end it is between the two of you....and the answer lies somewhere in there.

    I still say I believe wholeheartedly that you all with get there...wherever that is. Like I told you earlier I wish to God that I had blogged as early on as you did so I could remember what the heck went on in the very early days. We all stumble...we all fall....but you will get up and get this right.

    I love ya....and I am here if you need me :D

    ~Lucy

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  7. I am not sure if I can put this into words the way that I want to...but I'm going to try!

    When you guys have a big talk like this and you feel like you get on the same page, do you then hope for/expect for some sort of resolution to the issue that necessitated the big talk in the first place?

    I ask because when we have had these kinds of talks in the past - about my expectations and his actions (or inaction) and coming to an understanding about how we want to proceed with ttwd into the future, etc. - I recall getting bent out of shape once or twice when he didn't immediately jump into action and address whatever had brought us to that place, whereas he was coming from the perspective of what's done is done, we don't go back we keep moving forward.

    Once I understood that it made "waiting" to see where he wold take things from that point easier. To him, the idea of going "backwards" after coming to an understanding like that would feel like forcing his next steps, not just because of my preconceived notions about how things are "supposed" go but because it wouldn't feel authentic, or maybe natural is a better word? I really don't know if I am making much sense at all or if what I am rambling about relates at all to what you are going through...but that's what I was reminded of when I read your post.

    Whatever happens next, and as frustrated as you are in this moment, it's easy to see that you both are trying so hang in there!

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  8. Wilma, I want to hug you and Barney together.
    I'm trying to understand the nature of your problem and I just cannot grasp it.
    It is not lack of communication. It just seems that there is a lot of communicating but not enough implicating.
    You two do everything according to the books, he reads the blogs, started following blogs by himself (that's very special, hardly ever happens),
    so where does it go wrong?
    As the above commenters, the only thing I can think of is a difference of forward speed, that make you not walk this road together.
    But I'm sure you are both going in the same direction.
    Walking the road together will ask a lot of adjusting to one another.
    Hugs,
    Bas

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    1. Bas,
      I love what you just said. I think - Willie and Barney need to reach across that path they are on together and simply...hold hands.

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  9. Big big hugs Willie and hugs to Barney, too... :)

    I think there is lots of wisdom here, and Cat's active listening technique really does work. I learned it when our oldest kids were teenagers, in a course about communicating with your teen. :)

    Willie - a couple of things.....

    In light of a recent conversation with my big bro, wherein he gave me a little hint about communication with my HoH that might or might not be helpful here, please accept this with my apologies if I am just reaching......

    I have a tendency to overwhelm Ian with details and sometimes, it can muddy the core idea that I am trying to convey. You often mention that your style - AND it is a wonderfully entertaining style and personally illuminating (I know it is because you have written about the things you have discovered and rediscovered about yourself) is to write or talk at length, and that is a fantastic thing, but could it be clouding the core issue?

    My recent success with the direct approach has me thinking it is the answer to everything. Maybe Barney's way of processing is to discern his feelings in a much more uncomplicated way - that is how Ian works. Give him the facts and he will find his own way through it.

    It is like putting together a thing that comes will a gazillion pieces - I reach for the instructions and Ian starts assembling in an intuitive kind of way. It is like the male animal needs to put it together as he understands it to work, not be lead through the process a piece at a time.....does that make any sense?

    Or the cliche about men and women with maps..... women reach out and ask directions, men need to find the way themselves. It might take them longer, but they have really understood the entire area by the time they get, they have made their own reference points, and not relied on those of others.

    Could this be about Barney and not really about you much at all? Does Barney just need time to assemble his pieces and circle that block till he knows the neighbourhood and all the communications in the world, while certainly helpful aren't coming across in his "language"?

    If I am just way out in left field, I am very sorry, I just hate to see you hurting, and this thought occurred to me while reading your post.

    hugs
    and much love
    lillie


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  10. Oh Willie I have been there! (((((((Hugs)))))))

    There is nothing worse than feeling invisible and not heard... I'm sorry! I hope the two of you find your way back to each other soon
    P

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  11. Willie...you need a notebook. And a hug...consider this your virtual hug.

    Levi and I apparently can't speak to each other about serious stuff in person...this is what happens...I say something, he gets defensive and/or expresses guilt, I get defensive, we both get our feelings hurt....Uggghhh. I like that you write your letters...maybe he should respond with letters too. It might be easier to "listen" when you can read something over and over and you have time to process what they are really trying to say before anyone gets defensive? You do eventually have to talk, but maybe things are too raw? I agree with Cat's idea too, if you are feeling hurt or defensive then you may not be hearing what he is saying, and vice versa. Although, I am not sure that I would listen to anything I say as Levi has yet to write anything in the dang notebook.
    One thing, one day, one moment at a time my dear friend and know that there are a lot of us holding your hand. Have a little faith:)
    Bea

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  12. Dear Willie...I wish I had something comforting to say or something that would fix everything (((Willie))).

    I will say this, though, I work with A LOT of men...almost exclusively men...you know what we as a group spend a lot of time doing? Meeting...talking...you know what we spend a lot of time not doing? Acting. Yup, I may not be married, but I know of that which you speak. I was teasing our boss the other day about all the meetings that he goes to and he laughed and said, "Yes, that is what I do. I meet." I know it frustrates him, to meet and talk, but never take any action.

    So, what does he, a man, do? He sets up a process to be followed and he is usually on the list as the person who takes the first action. Do you think that might work for you? Do you think the two of you could agree on one thing that will be done every week at the same time and your (Willie's) only job at that point is to show up and wait for him (Barney). So what happens in my boss's world and it does seem to work for him, is he lets all the players know he will be working on the budget at 2:00 in the conference room, for example, and he is there waiting for them no matter what else is on his plate. If he sees them, he even mentions it, "I'm on my way to work on the budget, see you there." I think one of the reasons it works is that he commits to what he says and when the others see his commitment it inspires them to commit too.

    So, if Barney decides that 2:00 on Tuesday is role affirmation (or whatever it is he decides he can commit to), you are on the couch at 2:00 waiting for him and maybe you even mention to him that you are on your way to the couch.

    This is totally a shot in the dark and maybe not for you, but since our new boss has come, a lot more action is taking place...

    I know you two will work things out because you are obviously both still trying.

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  13. Honey bunch,
    I love you. And I love Barney too, because he loves you.

    I love that you two talk and talk and talk and that while you are BOTH listening...maybe it's not an issue of really hearing. Maybe it's an issue of processing. And processing speed. Maybe you're texting on an iPhone and he's still using T9. The thing is...you're both talking. And talking and talking.

    And while I understand just how frustrating that is, when neither of you are feeling heard...the thing is he's there. Looking into your eyes. Spending time trying to understand. Just as you are.

    This guy adores you, chica. And you clearly adore him. And that, in my opinion, is something very precious. The hearing will come as long as the listening continues.

    All of my love, sweets.

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  14. Oh Willie, I so wish I could give you a real hug. My heart aches for you and I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer.

    Some great comments above. I agree it is great that the two of you talk and talk. As the others have said though, are you both actively listening? I also agree with Bas. It sounds to me as though you are both on the same path, but at different speeds. Remember, you researched the lifestyle and started embracing your role before you brought it to Barney.

    Something I learnt the hard way with Rick is that we all process and perceive things differently. There have been many occasions where I thought he should be doing this or that etc and times where I thought he should call me on a particular action or behaviour and felt confused when he didn't.

    The reason he didn't was that he didn't see the action as problematic or unacceptable, or didn't think he needed to act in the way I thought he should. It took me a long time to realise that as HoH, what action if any should be taken is dependent on how he perceives situations, not how I think he should act and to trust that if he perceives a problem he will deal with it and to let him lead in his way.

    Having said that, of course if something in our dynamic isn't working for me I absolutely discuss it with him.

    Hang in there,

    Love and huge hugs
    Roz

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  15. Wow Willikins! I hope that both you and Barney are feeling the love. What a very special set of responses. I hope that it gives both of you some encouragement to help you keep on.

    I love what Elisa and a couple others said. Sometimes, even when the going is extra rough, all we have the ability and energy to do is reach out and grab the hand of the one we love. It covers a distance like almost nothing else. Around here it means, "You're stuck with me and we are going to figure this out together, no matter what."

    Keep on...both of you.

    And big, big hugs!

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  16. Wow.

    Thank you everyone for your continued support! There is some very good advice for lots of different situations and people to take, so thank you for sharing. We both appreciate each and everyone of you. Thank you for taking the time ( and a LOT of time for some lol) out of your day to try and help us along.

    Love

    Willie

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  17. Hello Willie, I'm Ami and I'm lurking no longer! Although I remember you as 'C'. I wrote a fairly long comment yesterday and then the wretched computer swallowed it. So just a short one today.

    I love your blogs and they are giving me hope that I am not drowning in my emotions. We are only two weeks in to Dd and I can identify with so much of what you are writing about. I never actually realised just how difficult this was all going to be. Believe me, you are a hare and I am a tortoise! I am still only just in the process of setting up a blog, and I am open to all offers of advice! We certainly need help in this difficult journey that I have instigated. I am wallowing in guilt and self-pity and wonder whether, at this point, we will ever get into 'real' spankings. Yet in all other ways my husband is proving to be an admirable HOH. Thankfully there are several bloggers here who are absolutely brilliant with my ranting emails to them.

    Keep up the good work Willie - just think, you are streets ahead of me at the moment. And I'm wondering whether I will ever ever catch up.

    Many hugs, Ami

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  18. Welcome Ami

    Gosh I am not streets ahead I'm sure. I am just a few streets over. Actually I am on a round-about. lol.

    I remember the guilt at the beginning, I still suffer from it, but I try not to let my mind wander down that road, as it is not helpful. I had both guilt from the way I treated my husband, and for putting this on him too. The thing is 1) people only do to you what you let them, so the guilt isn't mine to carry alone, and 2) He said yes, and can say no anytime to ttwd just like I can so there should be no guilt there either. I know, easier said than done.

    I am not sure if you have read my blog from the beginning or not, but if you haven't go back and do so. You'll see how all over the map I was ( and still can be). Don't be afraid though, things don't sting as much anymore- and we both work through things together more quickly now.

    I was dead asleep when Barney came home last night. I wished I could have waited for him, but it wasn't possible. I rolled over into his arms when he came to bed last night, and he stroked my hair until I fell back to sleep. No words were spoken, and none needed to be. A few months ago if I read that on someone else's blog I would have never thought it possible in my life- and yet it is so simple.

    Confession time, when I am having bad days, or hours really, (things take less time to resolve within myself now) and I read 'happy' blogs or blogs where the husband suddenly dons his HoH hat I cry. I think we are never going to get to the next step. I know you'll get tired of hearing it, but everyone has their own speed towards ttwd. Unfortunately you are only as fast as the slowest runner in your heat. That can be frustrating, trust me we all know.

    As for 'real' spankings, I understand your worry. We are still at maintenance only, and my husband is coping better now, but he did find it difficult to start. The fact that he is not seeing the results we both are hoping for during and after said spankings makes him more trepidatious about punishment ones. You know, we may never get there. The thing that is so difficult as a woman living Dd at the beginning, is to learn to live in the present. To embrace the mini changes. To SEE the mini changes.

    Sorry I was rambling...Oh wait, MY Blog I can do whatever the heck I want :)

    I am happy you delurked Ami. I've seen you 'around' and I am happy you stopped by here. I can't really offer advice, but I can lend an ear if ever you need it.

    Hugging You Back. Good Luck, and enjoy the changes that are happening now.

    Willie

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  19. Thanks for such a wonderful reply Willie. You really have no idea how it has cheered me up! And believe me, I'm not a negative person - the opposite in fact, bubbly and 'glass half full'! To quote Pilgrims Progress I think I must be in the 'slough of despond'! And my blog site is going slowly as well!!! You all seem to have such sophisticated blog sites and I can't get my head around how to do some of the instructions! Oh well, back to the drawing board. My site is called amistarsong. I will explain the name when I start blogging. I wonder whether anyone of my new friends will ever manage to find me? Although I have always believed in 'hills and valleys' the hill I am attempting to climb at the minute seems to be pretty steep! I'm happy to see that Bluebird (above) is with us reasonably near to the start of the journey as well.

    Willie, if you can bring the cider, lemonade, ice cubes and glasses, and Bluebird can bring the rugs, cushions and some napkins, I'll bring the picnic basket and ensure that it has all the nice things in it like quiche lorraine, fried chicken, tuna tartlets, squidgy chocolate cake and crusty home-made bread! We'll find a good spot to have this picnic of ours on the other side of the blessed hill! And if anyone would like to join us they just have to say!

    Many hugs, Ami

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    1. Ami if you link your Blogger ID to your blog people will have no trouble finding you. Tell me when you are ready to roll and I'll tell everyone( well the 15 people who read me) where you are :)

      I don't know what squidgy chocolate cake is...but I'm game. Although with all that food, I'm going to have to run a lot of stairs!

      Willie

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    2. Hi Again Aim... Willie here not Barney, but you sent the email to his account, good think I was snooping..er checking *wink*

      I went to your blog, and I love what you wrote! I can't for the life of me figure out how to comment though, or to follow, or your email...lol
      http://amistarsong.simplesite.com/154542454

      Maybe you could help me out?

      Willie

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  20. The blog site I chose is one of these that lure you in and then explain that you have to pay a set sum every month! Well, Mick said that I can set up a site for free so that's what I will attempt to do next. I can't even find a place for 'comments' on my wretched new blog! And unfortunately I can hardly ask my 'techie' friends to help me set up a blog in this subject area! I'll get myself sorted out eventually, but it'll require a 'make-over'!

    Bye for now. Ami

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  22. Thinking of you and hoping you are having a fantabluous time!

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