Monday, December 17, 2012

Self Obsessed ...Coping that is Not

 Since Barney and I started ttwd I have personally grown in leaps in bounds.  Keep in mind I am not that athletic, so my version of leaps and bounds and yours might be slightly different.


I have (  hardly ) suppressed my emotions since the beginning of our adventure- and even when I have tried I have not been successful for any great length of time.  Sure I have certainly distanced myself, regular readers of this blog feel free to jostle your head up and down in full agreement.  The thing is, I still feel while distancing myself.  The emotions are close to the surface, longing to come out- and come out they have, time and time again.

Congratulations Wilma, no more building walls.  I was blissfully beginning to believe this.  In fact I still do.  I have another visual now.  It is not as concrete as a wall, something more permeable.  I have been thinking that my emotion-coping strategies are more like hiding behind a beaver dam. 



 Our adventure is like canoeing down a slow moving river.  Along the way we encounter still water, and a beaver dam- blocking our forward progress.  Inevitably the dam bursts, weather through self reflection, or with Barney's help, and we continue on until the next dam in the river. 


 Some times the water merely seeps out at a very slow pace and a great deal of the dam doesn't give away, but that doesn't really matter as the emotion of the water flows through, and that is the most important part-  or so I thought...The thing is the busy little beaver is quite good at repairing a dam that isn't completely destroyed. But we've travelled through it, so it should no longer be a problem.

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However, sometimes the water in the river quickly changes to white water and it is important to shoot the rapids in order to continue on the course we mapped out.


Did you notice only one person in this canoe shooting the rapids?  Yeah, not a huge fan of choppy water.  Quietly I abandoned 'ship'  Here is where I am


Heading back to to where this guy has been busily working, without my knowledge.  I seems so much 'safer' in the calm water that I have already traveled through



 This past week my coping skills altered a bit from the past.  In the past before ttwd, I obsessed,( okay WAY more than now, believe it or not) and became consumed with grief.  Thinking, thinking, thinking about every single angle and possible emotion and issue people in a certain situation could encounter, and then I would suppress it.  It was almost as if I tortured my thoughts until I couldn't take it anymore and then I could safely slam the door shut and throw away the key. Thinking that I would never even try to look for the key, yet alone open the door.  

The past few days I used this 'coping' method.

-deciding that trying to process what one can't ever really process was not going to change or help the outcome.  I avoided anything unpleasant.  I didn't embrace anything pleasant either.  I realized I had become completely numb.  I am sure there are a great deal of you out there that going numb is a 'coping' strategy for you.  I assure you this has NEVER happened to me before.  Somewhere along the line, my so-called coping techniques have become like the infection that is resilient to antibiotics .  It is frightening actually how one can go to great pains, to 'protect' oneself from hurt.

Now for the conundrum- since starting ttwd, I am well aware this is not healthy.  That this numbness stops the joy as well as the hurt.  I also realize that this too will pass- perhaps when conversations can return guilt free to talking about Christmas and how our house seems too small because the kids have been off school for two weeks and are bored.

Today was a snow day here.  It was also supposed to be Maintenance day.  We weren't completely surprised that the boys were staying home, as the weather started last night.  This morning I sat on my couch and cried- for myself...and then I felt guilty.  The boys love snow days.  What kid wouldn't ?  I have all three of them near me, excited about Christmas, when, well you all know....and yet I wanted them to be at school.  What a horrible mother..... I needed maintenance.  

I know we haven't had the traditional 'break through' during M. and perhaps I was still going to need a miracle to get through my thick scull - I don't know.  I just can't stand being numb, and I am too afraid to let the dam burst-

I suppose when I reread this post, it doesn't appear that I have grown in leaps in bounds at all.  I have a long way to go.  I can cope when it is easy, but old destructive habits are hard to break I guess.

Barney on the other hand has grown leaps and bounds.  He talked to me on the level I would 'allow' last night...politics and the media coverage of events, but never dipping too deeply into the conversation.  He did mention the unhealthy actions I was taking.  That I have to let myself feel.

  He was patient and overly forgiving this morning when I had made a MAJOR mistake last week that will make things a little more difficult in the next month.  A mistake that only he can fix. Despite being bogged down with work frustrations, he managed to find time to help me with my one of my Christmas things, that I find difficult.  Before work he held me ( I had dirty cooking hands) in the kitchen, and told me how well I was handling all the stresses I have been encountering this year at Christmas. That I was doing so much better than in past years.  With that he told me he loved me and left for yet another 12 hour day of work.
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I want to leave you with a positive note .  Apparently tomorrow is blogger day of silence so hopefully this little one will keep you smiling until we return on Weds.  I have been trying to post Canadian music during the  days leading up to Christmas.  The background music is Raffi a Canadian Children's Recording Artist.  The song isn't great, but I just love how this little girl gets down when the " way down in Bethlehem" part of the song  comes on.  She apparently was supposed to perform at her school's Christmas pageant, but was sick



Willie


28 comments:

  1. I get it Wilma, I get it.

    Is there no way to do M in the basement?

    Love and hugs,
    BB

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    1. I know you do BB. :)

      I love my husband, but as I have said before, if someone in the wilds of Africa might be able to hear us, all bets are off.

      ( I hope you do get it Blue Bird - *wink*)

      Big Hug and Lots of Love
      Willie

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  2. You need a places for maintenance!
    I get it though, I get my "head in the sand' as well and I know it may not be usual for you, but going numb is a coping method I refer to when I feel like everything is lost and I just don't care anymore.
    The kids DO love snow days, and it's hard to deny them the excitement of the season, but I bet a little maintenance would help... especially if he's gone for 12 hours! A lot can build up over that time.
    Can you two go for a "drive" somewhere alone? I think there's a blogger who once wrote about being spanked in the car - can't remember who though.

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    1. Hi Emi

      I believe the blogger you are referring to is Blondie ( sorry Blondie if I am wrong) um she lives in California...I live in Canada...I might get frost bite on my fanny!

      Actually I mentioned it months ago to Barney, he looked horrified..so I don't think that would be an option either.

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  3. Willie,

    I love your visuals...these are very helpful to me. I totally get how you think you took a wall down and get busy with other things and turn around and the damn wall is back...where did that thing come from? Dang beavers:) LOL!

    Sweetie...you are NOT a bad mother. All of us have days where we would rather have the "break" of school:) I am not looking forward to the I'm boreds of the coming two and half weeks. Yes, we should take time with our kids and appreciate that we have them, but that doesn't mean that they aren't going to drive us completely batty sometimes!!

    I can't speak to maintenance, but it sounds like a lot around here have figured out how to do it...

    Good luck...hope you get some private time soon!

    Bea

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    1. I'm happy you like my visual's Bea- like I said I generally think in pictures, so it is an easier way to get my point across I guess...a cheat :)

      I know I'm not a horrible mother, but I sure felt like one today :)

      Love
      Willie

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  4. Hugs. I hate when maintenance is missed. I've kind of become a routine person. If we miss something, I hate it. Enjoy the snow day.
    And like suggested above, find a place for maintenance. Get the boys to watch a movie in their room and you guys go somewhere else.
    ~Elle :)

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    1. Hey elle

      I'm not sure how things are going to work out. Our house is not that big, and the boys are certainly old enough to know or THINK they know what Mom and Dad are doing when we 'sneak' off.

      I understand about the feeling of missed M. I pretty much knew it wasn't going to happen- I suppose I am surprised that I acknowledged that I needed help.

      Willie

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  5. Emi has a good point about taking a drive on maintenance days. Maybe that is something you guys could do when the kids are home. Or when Barney gets home from work and the kids are in bed? Set your alarm for 3am? Buy the kids hearing protection for Christmas so they don't hear mom getting spanked? lol
    I guess it's just another one of those things that you guys need to find what works best for you.



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    1. So how did you manage to do that? Sound all nice and caring here?

      I mean not half an hour ago you were literally yelling at Barney through my phone telling him ( although Barney wasn't even in the room) that he needed to spank my ( well I don't use THAT language). I do believe too that you were not referring to Maintenance either. Implying that I am not well behaved...sheeesh :)

      Barney just has to get more comfortable with the idea I guess. Remember when he wouldn't do it because our neighbours were home? We've come a long way that way.

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  6. I'm not much help right now because we've not had a very good weekend and I am currently fighting ( ok so maybe I'm not fighting too hard) complete and total shut down :( sometimes I really hate TTWD because it has made emotions so much closer to the surface all the time. Everything seems to be felt at an exponential rate. It sucks! If you come up with a good solution, let me know

    P

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    1. Hey P

      I would hazard a guess that emotionally speaking a lot of women did not have a very good weekend. I suppose the beauty of ttwd is that now not only do our husbands see the shut down, we acknowledge it in ourselves. Hopefully that will be something in the future we can use to stop us from continuing down that path.

      I agree that the feelings/ emotions are very strong with ttwd. I think many of us always had these strong emotions, we just never trusted ourselves to feel them before. Although, one could argue, I'm not allowing that to happen right now either. I find it is frightening more than it sucks, except for the happiness part. One day of glorious bliss, is worth many bad days :)

      Willie

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  7. I get it too, Willie. Just remember to at least reach out your hand while your head is buried in the sand. You aren't going through this alone. Barney and your fellow DD wives are here for you. You aren't a horrible mother or person for thinking of yourself. It's not a crime. I understand the guilt though. You will get through this. It sounds like you both want it and those old habits will go away eventually. Give it time and hang in there.

    Hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks TL

      I don't feel alone. I put my head in the sand because I don't want to deal with that big nasty world out there- which again is not a typical response for me. Or at least it wasn't. It is almost as if my old self stepped in to protect Wilma.
      I can't describe it honestly. It is also such a confusing mess 'in there' All I can say is while things are churning around and my head is trying to figure out what or how to feel, it is also acknowledging that it is trying to do so. Before ttwd, I would have clicked into automatic pilot and continued on.

      I'll see your Hugs and raise you two.

      Willie

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  8. Those long hours...I totally get it. Mine is working nights plus 10-12 hours (not counting the 3 hours in transit)-- possibly 7 days a week.

    I agree find a way to take a drive or find a silent implement! lol

    Barney sounds like a gem. The hugging! sigh, nice man. See he is reading what you need.

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    1. Oh no no no to the silent implement! I only know of one truly silent one..and no thank you!

      Barney is a gem, and I am so grateful that ttwd allows me to feel that- not just see it :)

      Wow Minelle 3 hours in transit, and 7 days a week at times...blech! Well at least they still walk through our door on a daily basis!

      Love Willie

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  9. Is there any room in the house that is far enough away from the boys where you could do maintenance - especially if you turned on some music? Is there a very private area you could drive to as others have suggested? You definitely need maintenance sweetie. BTW - if Barney asks what you want for Christmas, tell him soundproofing for your bedroom. Christina wrote a post about soundproofing their bedroom.

    One bone to pick with you - You. Are. NOT. A. Horrible. Mother! Wanting 'us time' with your husband for anything (maintenance, 'dancing', talking) is normal. Kids are supposed to be in school - not home interfering with Mom's spanking! ;)

    I have faith that you and Barney will figure this out soon.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. You are too funny Cat
      "not at home interfering with Mom's spanking"

      I know I am not a horrible Mother, I just felt like one this morning. This Monday morning of all Mondays, I was thinking of myself and not grateful that my boys were able to be around me- others were not so fortunate this Monday. I still have a hard time seeing how it is okay to feel that way.

      The shoebox has 3 floors, and the boys are always distracted, but Barney is not comfortable with the idea- but like I said he didn't used to be comfortable with the idea when the neighbours were home too...So something may change.

      For once I agree with you Cat. I do need it. I am an anxiety ridden mess at the moment, and I can list why, and those things aren't going to change anytime soon. Maybe it won't change anything but hopefully it will.

      Love
      Willie

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  10. You have so grown by leaps and bounds. Nor should you be feeling a tiny bit guilty about wanting your boys at school so that you can have the maintenance that you need. You did a lot of work to get to this point of knowing what you needed. In fact, you probably both need the release.

    I hope you find a way to make it happen really soon Willie. In the meantime it looks like Barney is doing his very best to take good care of you.

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    1. Thanks for your continued support Susie. I'm not sure I'm quite at the spot today anyway where I can see what you do as far as personal growth, but tomorrow is another day :)

      As for Barney he is :)

      Much Love
      Willie

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  11. This time of year is hard on everyone - try to focus on enjoying the kiddies Go make snow angels, build a snow fort, dwell on the good. Hugs to you.

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  12. Thanks Sunny.

    Unfortunately today's snow day was brought to you by freezing rain and rain..very little snow kicking around. My kiddies enjoyed trying to steal all my Christmas baking this afternoon...teenagers!

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  13. Hi Willie,

    Sorry I am late to this. You have grown in leaps and bounds. You both have, please don't doubt that. I do think you over think things and try and guess what is going on for Barney. I did too early on, and still do to a degree now.

    Ttwd does make us far more emotional and we feel more deeply. That's for sure.

    You guys will sort out how to work around maintenance. You should absolutely not feel guilty about wanting the boys at school so that you and Barney can have some time.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz!

      I was *thinking* where the heck is Roz? lol. I have always, always had a problem with over thinking. Sometimes, when it doesn't involve me, it actually can be helpful, but most times NOT. I am forever pointing to my head saying " It is a VERY busy place in here".

      I am desperately trying not to think about what I think Barney is going to do, say or how he feels. I promise to actively try NOT to do that- but as for myself, I'm not sure that is going to go anywhere- not that I wouldn't like it too!

      Thanks for the kind words Roz- better late than never!

      Love
      Willie

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  14. Sorry I'm better late than never too. Our internet was down all day today and I am feeling frustrated.

    I really don't know the answer to sound-free spanking. I have lined up seven different implements to try tomorrow to try to determine which is the most quiet, which stings the most, which I hate the most etc. I cannot possibly imagine Starman's face when I produce them all at once! My only suggestion is lots of white noise such as the washer, the drier, the bread-maker etc. We don't have basements so I can make the house really noisy, but it is a problem regardless. And I understand completely about Barney as Starman is fixated just on the noise of hand spanking. He also thinks the neighbours may hear, and they are quite a way aways.

    You are right in that it is very stressful at the moment. Next year I will hibernate like a bear and only come out in the spring! And I also think that the majority of women over-analyse a problem. Men often don't even think of something as a problem until we bite their heads off!

    I miss having teenagers in my house though. (Feeling wistful here.) Our daughter is having her first Christmas at home with her new husband, and our son is occupied with digging out the living room floor of his cottage in order to lay under-floor heating. So I guess this year will be sort of strange for us too.

    I really think you're doing fine Willie, and I'm here and now telling you not to worry. We see the same moon each night as you do - just a little earlier. Sweet dreams.

    Also, hugs! Ami

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    1. Well seeing how I am doing these comments backwards, and have already read your fearful one about my latest spanking, let me tell you now, the most silent, and the most painful are unfortunately the same one. Yup the plastic hanger. Find a noisier one! LOL

      I don't normally find the holidays stressful, unfortunately my husband works for a U.S. company so bonuses and incentives have been severely reduced this year, and that is what normally helps us sail through the holidays. So that stress is high. But ttwd helps me face these fears, and share them with Barney, yet it makes it so real and raw to say them out loud too.

      I am sorry that you are going to have a strange Christmas. I am not looking forward to those days. I have the boys with me, and yes no Santa, but at least they'll understand if they don't get everything on their wish list this year. They really do help keep the spirit alive.

      Thanks for the kind words Ami. I hope that you can find a way to not feel like your Christmas is strange, and start a new tradition that is special for the both of you. Perhaps even something a little naughty in front of the Christmas tree ( wink)

      Big Canadian Hugs
      Willie

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