Thursday, January 24, 2013

I lied. Confessed . Then Lied in the Confession.

 I know right?  Okay, let me explain.  This is actually more for Barney's sake, but I am hoping against all odds I can use my  voice for this- as some of you know that is a big deal for me.

Disclaimer time





 What I am about to discuss it not easy for me at all.  I feel  that I should mention ahead of time that I am not blaming the events or people in my past, just perhaps explaining how I got here.  I am no expert, so I could be way off base anyway .

For quite some time now I have been 'off'.  I had the opportunity to blame Horror Moans for a while. The time has past so to speak to use that line of thinking, and yet I'm still off.  Besides Horror Moans make me anxious not weepy.  I know, when HAVEN'T I been weepy in the past 4 months?

Initially I was going to write a post about the Little Voice  versus the Bully's Voice.  My heart versus my head.  I was truly wondering if I could be submissive.  Don't get me wrong, I am still an angel * wink * , and the outward acts of submission come natural to me, as well, it is practically in my 'job' description.  I also know these things are important to Barney, because whenever I appear to be 'off' he jumps into action and takes over my 'chores'.  To me this says that he feels these 'little' things I do are an expression of my love.  So in that way I have no problem.  The Little Voice is actually very strong in these areas.  " Light the candles he loves that", " Iron his shirts, so he doesn't have to"  I know you would think that I should be ironing, but he said," no, no rule, I have time if you don't want to.'  This week I messed up.  One day I plain forgot.  I forgot things that I did even before ttwd!  I normally make the coffee, I'm up first, always.  I take out his cup, and cream. If he is working during the day I make a breakfast/snack type bag for him to take.  I make sure he has clothes ironed and ready to go....all of it forgotten.  Barney wasn't angry or anything, he merely remarked that if I wasn't going to iron his shirts to let him know, because he had gotten used to them being ready.  I explained to him I honestly thought he had a yellow dress shirt ( which he apparently wore the day before and I didn't even notice- even more odd because it is one of my favourites on him).  I also thought he was working an hour later than he was that day.  He said he understood, as he usually does work later on that day of the week.

This all bothered me though.  I explained to a friend that I felt like I was hung over ( I know another booze reference..go with the normal disclaimer here).  You know the type of  hang over where you just had maybe one too many drinks the night before and there are cob webs in your head ?  You walk around in a haze, doing what needs to be done ( oops okay maybe not that particular day) but the effort is minimal.  No one else around you seems to notice- or so you tell yourself.  You keep talking mini naps in the hopes that THIS time when you wake up your head will be clear.  She yelled at me ( well in type )  " YES !  the FOG !!"  Okay so at least this part of me was 'normal'. I continued in ' the fog' most of the week.  I stepped up the visual submission-> house in good order by the time Barney came home, dinner in the oven, candles lit, music on, hair the way he likes it, normal clothes on not comfy clothes, his drink ready to be made....BUT distant hug when he came in.


What in the world was wrong with me?  The weather has been flipping freezing here, like most of  Central/Eastern North America.  My husband has been heading out in it every day this week not only to go to work but leaving several times in the morning before his normal departure time to drive our boys to school--all 3 have different start times!  And yet,  I can't melt into his arms when he comes through the door?  What message are you sending to him? This cycle has been on repeat since our 'reconnection' last week.  Yup pretty much started the next day actually.

So fast forward to the first lie.  Like I said I had been weepy all week.  HUGE blow out from Heir to the Throne, apparently every mistake he has been making lately- or dumb choices as I put it ( my bad)- he is not owning up to.  The fact that he is grounded totally sidelined because it was my fault he doesn't have use of the laptop.  I apparently call him dumb constantly ( I don't..but I also know how his mind works, he hears a word and changes it around ).  He went on about never wanting to share anything with me....Barney finally came upstairs to tell him to watch his tone. At this point I couldn't give a flying leap about his tone it was what he was saying that hurt.  I won't even justify his comments with points to the contrary- but as I have mentioned before he and I are both dyslexic so his entire primary learning was on me.  I knew how to reach him.  We were two peas in a pod so understanding him was easy for me- we WERE very close.  This was more than a surface wound to me...(I know he's a teen and he knows how to push buttons).  While Barney and Heir to the Throne were in the hall discussing not referring to me as " HER", I was behind our bedroom door .....crying. 

The Little Voice said to go to Barney.  This is what we both need.  This is what ttwd is about.  I couldn't.  I was frozen.  For over an hour I cried.  This time I wasn't even pining for Barney to come and check on me.  Why would he?  I've never reacted that way before.  I wasn't deep in thought, aside from thinking of the hours I put in with our son in the early years- I suppose justifying my hurt.  My Little Voice kept talking, and yet I didn't move.

Barney came to bed later and asked if I was okay- I'm not a pretty crier.  I swear I am allergic to my own tears!  I shook my head no.  He asked what was wrong..I just said our son's name.  He kissed my hair and made some comment, and that was it.  I'm not upset with that.  

Last night when Barney came home from work, dinner was ready to go.    I had moved the laptop from the 'cozy' basement into the sunny living room yesterday and that seemed to help my mood during the day.  However things fell apart once he walked through the door.  He was earlier than normal, I should have been happy- only I wasn't.  I was in the middle of making chocolate frosting for a cake I had made for dessert- it wasn't going well.  The kitchen wasn't the way I wanted it to be when he came home....he didn't care about any of that. 

 He informed me that he didn't have the day off that I asked him to take off.  I have to go for Jury selection ( I know right?  pffft....I should just bring them a blog post- problem solved).  I am extremely nervous.  The likelihood that I will be chosen is slim, I realize that.  It is the thought of being responsible for someone else's fate that doesn't sit well with me.  I was once a witness in a court case...a key witness, and I hated every minute of it.  ( Sidenote I did get a chuckle from the Crown Attorney and a thumbs up from the Constable on case with one of my answers---after the prosecuting attorney ticked me off with his condescending tone and line of questioning---Barney did the palm to the forehead move in the background *wink*)

Barney then disappeared into the basement, never to return.  He usually sits with me while I finish dinner.  That and another emotional trigger had me running for the hills so to speak.  I ate a piece of cake, dished out 4 plates, and left.  I ran a bath for myself.  It was deep and hot. I told myself I was cold and this would warm me up to lay out in the tub.  Only I didn't lay out.  I sat in deep bath, bubbles all around, knees to my chest, tears streaming down my face.

I knew what was wrong with me.  I was/am scared to tell my husband something.  I am afraid it might be hurtful to him.  That is part of it, initially, but moreover what it says about me.  I have read such beautiful posts from women who have been married much longer than I.  How they were perhaps 'shrews' for many years in their marriage.  How now they see their husbands in an entirely different light.  How they practically shout from the hill tops their love for them.  I don't know if I will ever be that person.  Don't get me wrong here, I do love my husband...I just don't know if I will ever be able to be that 'free'.  To not be so reserved.



I grew up in a home where I was most definitely loved.  I have come to just realize that my Mother showed her love by doing things for us.  I don't remember being cuddled- not to say I wasn't.  The first time I remember my Mom telling me " I love you"  was about a year after my Dad died.  It came at the end of a phone conversation.  I was shocked.  Now I'm not saying she didn't say it to be before that day, but 21 years later, I remember this phone call.

While I was in the tub these things started coming to me.  I was the same way.  I 'do' things for people that I love all the time.  I step out of my comfort zone to help my friends and family, sacrificing a great deal at times to do so.  What I don't do is say " I love you"  My cousin will phone and will end her conversation specifically with that.  I will respond " love ya too"  but even that is not flowing so easily.  

I then remembered this horrible incident.  When we brought Heir to the Throne home, we of course were ecstatic like any new parents.  But I had to get up the courage to tell my new born baby, who couldn't understand me anyway, that I loved him.  I mean, saying, "Mommy loves you" was one thing...but I had to actually practice.. I. Love. You.  Isn't that truly awful?  WHAT is wrong with me?  Afraid to say specific words. So if I had to practice it until it became 'natrural' with the most adorable creature in the world-the one God gave us just for the sole purpose of loving...how on earth am I going to be able to shout it from the hill top that I love my husband ?  More importantly am I going to ever get there...to feel free with my emotions?   It is not a great feeling.  

I suppose it is 'great' that I know the source of my angst, and knowledge is power.  That being said, it has me more sad than I ever remember being.  I have been not opening up to my husband because of this?  I am protecting myself from what exactly?  I WANT to be that woman.  I guess I know how to try to get there..by opening up to him.  It isn't an easy thing for me at all.  This part of ttwd is NOT natural for me...

Off to the confession, and the lie.  After my bath I went into our room.  I needed to be alone, well sort of . I had planned to go find Barney later.  I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to 'share' but the not so Little Voice told me to seek him out.  He beat me to it.  He asked me if I was sliding down the slope.  I told him no, I was just tired.  LIE.  Well I was tired but that is most likely from all the hidden crying I had been doing for a week.  He eventually left.  I kept putting a time on when I would seek him out, but always came up with an excuse not to go.  The biggest, and perhaps most legitimate excuse was that I didn't want an audience.

Later in bed, when I snuggled into his side as he watched some ridiculous show, I warred with myself.  I knew that I had to tell him I lied.  That I was sliding very rapidly down that slope.  I was stubbornly holding back.  Eventually I found my words.  After a great deal of silence and arm rubbing on his part, he told me he was happy I told him.  

" Do you know why you are sliding down this slope ?"

" No"  Another Lie.   

In my defense, I was going to tell him....in a bit.  I just needed more time.  I mean how does one explain to your husband that you are afraid you are incapable of freely loving someone?  I fought back my tears for a good half hour laying on his chest.  I never did manage to get the words to cross my lips.  I eventually fell asleep due to sheer exhaustion.

This morning Barney told me I looked better.  Happier.  I just smiled.  I said " A bit perhaps"


44 comments:

  1. Sending big hugs your way. I think sometimes the war within ourselves is bigger than any war we face against another person.

    I'm proud of you for opening up a little. Yes, there's more to come, but you've made a start. Just follow your heart and the rest will come.

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    1. Thank you Dana for your kind words.

      The war within is an expected byproduct of ttwd- and it by far my biggest challenge.

      Glad to see you decided to stop by again!

      Delete
  2. This will probably be all over the place, but....

    You know, I'm not a "loving" person so to speak myself and I have had many struggles deciding if I could, in fact love my Husband in that manner (I do see women like this and I sometimes wonder what kool aid they are drinking)

    From the way we are raised, to how we see ourselves plays a big part in HOW we love.
    I was very distant with my first daughter, and it was hard to freely LOVE that little baby, although I was younger and scared!)

    I came into my own with it and found it to be very rewarding.. but I found that a love for a child is far different from love to another human that you have married.

    What exactly does that love mean?

    Many people love by doing. I am the same way, as my mother and father are as well.
    It's still love, just in a different form of expression.

    It may just not be your style to love in a shout it out kind of way.

    But - By being reserved in that manner, you do set yourself up for things, as I have learned in the past...

    I have always been the frowny face, arms crossed person with the prickly skin saying "no hugs please" when I'd probably do better if I just let it happen... You may miss out on some good stuff I fear!

    I too have envied others who do seem to love freely, but then, I realized that's just who they are in a whole and I'm cut from a different cloth (probably an old dish rag).

    AND - still, that's OK.

    Was there ever a time where you DID feel like that? If so, what's changed?

    Maybe take some more time to really understand why you feel that way, but also to give yourself a break in that... it's OK to feel the way you do, and it's ok to not feel like you love freely.

    I find that it has a lot to do with self worth for me. I have a hard time expressing my love in a close (touching, feeling) way, and I'd much rather DO things for people, I then feel like I showed them love in MY way.

    Tell Barney in your own time- just not too long though... You may never feel like it's the right time, but pushing yourself OUT of that comfort zone here, may help push Barney out of HIS in another situation.
    And that can only be a good thing!
    ((hugs))
    Try not to feel too bad!
    I bet if you asked Barney if he feels loved, He'd say YES! moreover, he probably understands your type of love (doing) more then you may know.

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    1. Thank you Emi

      Your comment made so much sense to both myself and Barney. There is a great deal to reflect upon in your comment

      Dirty Dish rag..pfft. Someone needs some 'attention' for thinking that about herself!

      Giving you a hug, even though both and I and I pretend we don't want one!

      Delete
  3. Learning to freely and openly love someone? You're in good company here in Blogland. We are all learning what we can about this "loving" thing.
    But please don't wait as long with learning as my MIL did. My Lisa heard her say "I love you" to her husband for the very first time in her life, just a few minutes after he died at the age of 88.
    Hugs,
    Bas

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    1. Thank you Bas, your words are encouraging.

      As for your MIL that is such a sad story indeed.

      I'll take those hugs too!
      Willie

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  4. Wilma,
    I have to say that I am very proud of Barney for noticing your slide...he may have believed the lie or he may have been waiting for you to feel right about saying it, but I am glad he noticed. Try saying "I can't say yet"...then you won't have to lie and you won't have that guilt to go along with all the other emotions on your plate.
    Have you seen the Blind Side?...there is this part at the end when they are dropping their adopted son off at college...she sort of halfway says bye and then goes and sits in the car...the son asks the dad: "Why does she do that?"...The dad says: "She's an onion Michael...you have to peel her back a layer at a time." You, my dear sweet friend, are peeling back a layer at a time...and that is ok. If I was there...I would go open the car door and tell you I need a proper hug:)
    Love ya,
    Bea

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    1. Thank you Bea for all your kind words.

      Something tells me you would be hauling my stubborn bum out of the car to do it too!

      Love ya too!
      Willie

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  5. Hi Wilma, I really agree with everything Emi said. I know you felt loved by your parents. We all know about your incredible relationship with your Dad! Sometimes I think we get caught up in what things are supposed to look like instead of what they are.

    At my house growing up 'I love you' was rarely said, but it never crossed my mind that my parents didn't love me. I also had friends that their parents said it constantly and yet they really didn't feel loved.

    Also, never forget it is your son's job as a teenager to make sure you feel like you are inadequate and a failure as a mother. ;)

    Take care of yourself!
    Betsy;)

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    1. Hiya Betsy.

      Barney chuckled when he read your comment about what our son's job is!

      Thank you

      Willie

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  6. Oh Willie, if I were next door I'd come round and give you a hug!

    I felt exactly the same with our first newborn. It took months, literally, before I felt about her the way I thought I was meant to feel. Yet when number two came along, I loved him from the start. Don't get me wrong, I adore my daughter, but sometimes love takes a little time to insert itself into your consciousness. My family never said "I love you" either. And you know, I told you, that my dad wished I had been a boy. But underneath it all , I knew they loved me really. They just couldn't find the words to say so.

    I too, have a confession to make. It was only after my heart attack that I actually told Starman that I loved him. And I had never told either of our children either. There. That's how horrible I was. Our daughter used to send us a text message from her phone, no matter where she was, on New Year's Eve. It always said "Happy New Year - I love you." But did I ever send her a reply? I'm too ashamed to tell you.

    I now tell everyone I love them as often as I can. To begin with it was very difficult and the words came out slurred. And I would blush and get embarrassed. But they didn't mind. And I gradually got used to it. It didn't happen overnight. But slowly it became easier.

    So don't think, just because I mention it on my blog from time to time that I am an angel. I'm just a shrew of a wife trying my hardest to make up for lost time.

    So don't leave it another minute Sweetie. Even if you have to say the words through gritted teeth. Even if you have to learn the sign language for I love you and say it that way. Even if you have to stand in front of a mirror and practise first. Even if you have to look at the floor. Because pretty soon you will be able to look in someone's eyes, Barney's, or your kids, and say the words firmly without wavering.

    You're already saying it in your heart. So go ahead. Gird your loins. And go do it!!!!

    More hugs and support than you can imagine.

    Ami

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    1. I don't necessarily have a difficult time saying it. I say it to the boys all the time.

      One time when my youngest was about 7 I did my typical " I love you" at bedtime, but instead of responding with his typical " I love you too". He said nothing. So I just stared at him.

      " What? " he said

      " I said I love you" I responded....loooooooooooong pause.

      " Oh....um, thank you"

      I left the room chuckling to myself...my boy was ready to start dating! lol

      I guess my ability to express myself properly has been lost lately. I really meant that I am afraid that I am stopping myself from feeling freely and I am afraid that I won't be able to do this with Barney. That is my concern

      Thanks for the hugs an support Ami

      Willie

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  7. You know you said you cannot love him freely....but you love him. You just have a hard time saying it out loud. That is called being reserved.
    Practice makes perfect....just force yourself to say it once every day.
    I think TTWD helps us figure out who we want to be and allows us to analyze what we want to change. Really darlin this is good!! It is self knowledge. Now love yourself and move on.

    Remember our conversation about my being referred to as 'SHE?' Same as 'her' lol

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    1. Thanks Minelle. Those are good things to try and remember

      Yes I thought of my Dad when Heir to the Throne was referring to me as HER...

      ( Wilma, the she's the cat- the woman in the other room is your Mother)

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  8. Big hugs Willie! I'm sorry you are struggling. Words can be hurtful especially when they come from someone we love. Just remember teenagers have Horror moans too. I'm proud of you for telling Barney how you were feeling. Be kind to yourself.

    Lots of Love,
    TL

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    1. Thanks TL

      We tell the kids that little poem all the time when they are growing up about Sticks and Stones...but words certainly can hurt. It is much more difficult to remember the source of his angst while dodging the daggers of his words at the time.

      He and I are fine now. He apologized of his own volition the day after.

      Big hugs to you filled with Love
      Willie

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  9. Ok Willie - You've had a lot of good advice above but I'm approaching this from a different view.

    You said "I have read such beautiful posts from women who have been married much longer than I. How they were... How now they... I don't know if I will ever..." Hold it right there...They are at a different place in their relationships and maybe they have different hurdles that you have overcome easily that they are still struggling with. All of us have things we struggle with and maybe you will never be able to 'say' those words easily but you do write them beautifully and you show your love to each member of your family in every thing you do for them.

    There are some people in my life who have never said those words to me but I know they love me unconditionally and I feel that love. I also have a few, now and in the past, that keep/kept telling me they love me but their actions spoke much louder than their words.

    Quit over-thinking! From now on, if something comes up that you can't discuss yet, simply tell Barney "I don't have the words right now but I will come to you as soon as I find them". Don't compound your upset with the guilt of lying sweetie.

    If he hasn't already, ask Barney to read this post. Wanna bet he feels loved. He really oughta spank you for getting yourself upset like this over a 'saying' a few words.

    Teenagers - Didn't you know it was part of the teenage hormone to fight with parents and the closer they were to you as a child, the more ammunition they have to wound you now? That's their job. Looking back, I truly do wonder how my two survived...and how I survived them! ;) You will survive this...don't take it personally...he's just deflecting from his behavior and doing his job. Hang in there...you will both survive this.

    Blessings,
    Cat

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    1. Hey Cat

      Actually that isn't exactly what I meant. I suppose I should take a break, because it appears I am not finding the right words to express myself lately. Despite how it might look, I wasn't comparing myself to those women, I was merely pondering....it got me to face something I knew was always there....my reservation to freely feel love. A barrier that has been there for quite some time. A concern that this one might not come down for me. I real FEAR of that. I can say the words quite easily in a moment when I allow myself to feel them. For whatever reason it is so much easier to say to children.

      I am beginning to see the truth in your statement about teenagers!

      Willie

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  10. Willie,
    What Cat said....and teenagers are really horrible people at times. I thought I might kill my first born at about 16 - but we made it and are closer than ever. Lean on that wonderful caveman of yours, and let him run interference - that is his job as the man of the house.
    love you, Willie
    lillie

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    1. LOL...What Cat says? Well I guess , What I said to Cat then..lol

      As for the teenager...4 more years for this one! sigh....but there are two more on his heels. Although, they both told me the other day that they would NEVER talk to me like he did. Do you think I should get that in writing?

      Love you too Lillie

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  11. It's late here, or early if you are thinking morning, so I'm just going to tell you that you are in my prayers. I believe the way we are brought up makes a huge impact on how we express love. I also believe practice makes perfect. Joyce Meyer, a Christian evangelist, says when God tells you to do something and you are afraid, then do it afraid. It is a simple way to handle a hard thing. I believe that your love is there, otherwise you would not be struggling. Just do it afraid, Willie. It will come natural before long. God bless you and yours, Belle L.

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    1. Hello Belle

      Welcome

      Thank you so much for your fantastic advice. It is scary but I suppose there are scarier things I have done in my life

      Thank you for your words, prayers and blessings

      Willie

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  12. Oh Willie, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. There are some great comments here. I too agree with Cat, and everyone else has made some excellent points as well. As Cat said, you may not be able to say those words, but you show your love in everything you do.

    We have talked before about stepping out of comfort zones. I think that may be part of what is going on here. you are not used to showing your love freely, or saying those words and it feels unnatural. Try stepping out of that comfort zone a little. Over time it won't be so difficult. You are opening up bit by bit and making a start as Dana said. The rest will come.

    Love and huge ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz

      I swear one of these days, hopefully in the not too distant future, I am going to write a post that doesn't have everyone starting their comments off with.. OH WILLIE

      Thanks for the encouragement :)

      Love Willie

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  13. I didn't read all the comments and maybe I'm repeating what others have said...and lol...you already know what I'm going to say.

    TTWD is intense and in this first year the inner turmoil at times is overwhelming. You know that huh? I think that what I didn't have a clue about was the emotional intimacy involved and how many things from both of our pasts that would come up to the surface. We've talked through and also individually scratched our way through some really hard stuff. Sometimes the trick for me is to not get stuck there and not give into fear--but share it with my husband and have him help me decide how much focus to give it. Sometimes my emotions play tricks on me and I focus on stuff that maybe isn't quite true. Other times I hit on something important and want to hide it back away. It's not easy.

    As we've talked about, it can be very positive work but Willie, when it starts to get too negative and you feel the anxiety rushing it, think about setting it down for a bit. It can be too much all at once when you add regular life and teenagers to the mix. :)

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    1. Thank you Susie.

      Once again you hit the nail on the head...TTWD is so intense as far as emotions and self discovery are concerned. Sometimes I feel like one of those Carnival ladies who is strapped to the spinning wheel and daggers are flying towards her at rapid speed. It is scary and exhilarating. Yet I can't seem to focus, or have any control over the situation. I need Barney to step in and at least stop the spinning of the wheel. We just haven't reached that point yet with any consistency.

      My original coping with the past was to leave it there. In the past, but it appears that is not possible. This adventure is proving to be far more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Just when I think I've managed to put Humpty Dumpty back together, life seems to give me a slight nudge over the wall again. Not that it seems to take much these days.

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  14. Oh Willie, you are being SO hard on yourself!!! The ability to understand, and express emotions is indeed learned in childhood. You're starting late and it's going to take time. You're saying you "lied" and I suppose technically you did, but you are just figuring things out yourself, and sharing them is part of the difficulty to start with. I do feel certain this will come in time, but it will not be over night! DD often highlights areas of growth for ALL of us, and the first steps are realizing where we want to grow. Then we can begin.

    I'd like to suggest an intermediate step for you. Maybe, if you have feelings, upsets, but are not ready to tell your husband, you could simply say that...the real truth. "I am upset and I do know why, or some of it, but I need some time to sort things through before I feel ready to talk about it out loud. Can we talk when I feel more ready?" I'll bet he'll be happy to work with you and support you through this.

    Hugs, Sara

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    1. Thank you Sara

      Figuring and sharing are areas where I have a great deal of difficulty for sure- especially the latter one. I might have to come up with a code word for the great sentence you suggested I say to Barney when I am upset. One of course that he knows the meaning off, because I seem to loose my voice in those situations.

      I try to not be so hard on myself, but this is an area where I struggle and don't see what I am doing during these times.

      Thanks for the encouragement and helping me see that I just need to plug along, that I maybe am a bit 'normal' considering the circumstances...and the hope that perhaps I can overcome this some day.

      Thank you for the Hugs
      Willie

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  15. I am sending you huge huge hugs. I have been where you are at, and still sometimes find it hard with people just outside of my immediate comfort zone. Sometimes the words really do stick in my throat, and feel awkward coming out. I am still not out, but I'm working on it. One day at a time, and writing helps. BIG.

    Hugs Willie!!

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    1. WELCOME HisLilAngel

      Thank you for stopping by and offering HUGE hugs :) Although misery shouldn't love company, it does help that I am not so unique in this type of situation.

      I'll take those HUGS HLA!

      Willie

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  16. Oh Wille!
    As I read this I had tears in my eyes.
    Love is such a complicated emotion but it's really about choice too. You show the love you feel through the things you do. You choose to do those things because you feel for the people on whom you're expending your time and energy. You're showing them your love even if not verbally expressing it.
    Sometimes showing the inner lining of our heart is so difficult. By holding back that tiny thing or those few words, we're protecting ourselves.
    As for the "lie", I agree with previous advice. Tell Barney that you have these emotions going on and you'd like to share them when you have them sorted out. Share bit by bit if necessary but darlin', don't over analyze.
    As for the teenagers...when mine were/are their most horrid, remind your self this isn't personal. They're doing what teenagers are supposed to do and that's to begin to push for Indendence and problem solve. They just don't yet have the mental maturity to see beyond themselves. I've told mine on more than one occasion to save their displeasure and criticism for their future therapists. Hushes them up pretty quickly most of the time.
    You and Barney have been in my prayers.
    Keep walking girl...one step at a time.
    Hugs, Catrinka

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    1. Hi Catrinka

      I thank you very much for your comments.

      *Sometimes showing the inner lining of our heart is so difficult. By holding back that tiny thing or those few words, we're protecting ourselves. *<- I think this is a huge factor with me. Barney has read my blog and he said he understands completely- and naturally that this is not a huge surprise to him. Since starting ttwd we are discovering so much about not only ourselves but each other...and then I'll add what the other knows about us but hasn't said.

      As for my son.. ." they just don't have the mental maturity to see beyond themselves' this is the best statement I have read so far! That is exactly it...I will try to commit that too memory. He is and always has been so mature for his age, so this entire teenage/hormone thing has really thrown us for a loop!

      Thank you so much!
      Willie

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  17. Until I was about 25, my mom only told me she loved me once, when challenged by my dad, and not nicely. I think sometimes we have a hard time saying it because we're not sure how it'll be received. Also, every time we say it, it makes more of a commitment. It can be hard for the heart to receive such love, especially if it has been hurt, or broken. You loved your dad and lost him. Your heart broke, and it can be hard for it ever to expand like that again. I hope you come to a point where you can be very open with your husband, but it's also a journey. {{{HUGS}}} Please don't feel you have to have it all figured out today, or next year. Just keep trying to take another step, baby ones if you need, you'll find your way. :) Maybe start writing cards or love notes that end with I love you, and the words would come out easier later?

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    1. Thank you Es May for your kind words and understanding

      Willie

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  18. Hugs, I have heard that faking it until you make it is a really successful strategy. I seem to remember a column I read about fitting in at a new work place. You just behave as if you already fit in and eventually you will even believe it yourself. Maybe if you say I love you every day to at least one person it will start to feel more natural.

    I am sorry you are struggling with your son. Those years are hard ones, but I'm sure you' ll both get through them and be as close as ever. Letting Barney straighten him out was a good thing! Sharing with Barney was also a good thing. I would score that as two mini victories!

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    1. Hi Cygnet!

      Thank you once again for the fantastic email and your thoughts.

      Letting Barney 'take over' has helped greatly. The weekend before I didn't engage in my son's tirade. I waited for my husband to get home- because I usually feed off of my son's emotions. Barney is more calm about it. While B was dealing with #1 I was able to come up with a simple solution to the grounding issue, and mentioned it to Barney, which made everyone a bit happier...That was also an issue later in the week. I wanted to scream at the ungrateful little bugger that _I_ am the one who helped him the weekend before!!!! Grrrrr...Anyway. This too shall pass as my Mom would say.

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  19. One more thing! Nominated you for the award that's going around :) check my latest post for details! :)

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    1. Thanks Elle..

      Okay for you and P who also honoured me

      1- I play an instrument. Not well..but well enough to own one

      2- I hate slugs

      3- I am prone to migraines. Although I haven't had one for quite some time ( knock on wood)

      4- I'm dyslexic, for those who don't know...lol

      5- I'm allergic to MSG and other weird things

      6- My wedding ring is size 3.5

      7- I detest, not just hate, peas!

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  20. I am late commenting and you have some good ones. I think I will just add my support. Hugs!

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    1. It is never too late to comment Zoe.

      It is certainly never too late to offer support. Much appreciated!

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