I am very close to throwing in the towel. Yes, honestly. I know we all go through this, and this may seem like some sort of temper tantrum, rebellion or means of exercising some control. Perhaps it is all three. I know once again that I am not unique. I also know that the things I am about to express will illicit anger and frustration from some, understanding in the form of ' I have so been there' from others. Multiple comments on communication, patience and understanding the other side from even more. That is what we do in this community. Understand and try to coax others in the direction that is most beneficial for their relationship. Disclaimer has been posted now for the nitty gritty.
Last week I was on the edge. Quite literally. Things were awful and I indeed shut down. Through examination I came to one conclusion as to why I wouldn't let Barney in. After more reflection because, there was something in me that I still couldn't shake, I began to realize something else. This feeling and determination to 'get through this alone' quite possibly steamed from the feeling that I was already feeling alone. I know a common comment from me. If you think you have heard it often enough, imagine how many times I have expressed this to Barney.
Yes, I did give Barney my letter of appreciation last week. What did I expect from it in return? Nothing I believe, perhaps a bit more closeness. Many of you commented on how you loved our 'bathroom' moment. Honesty, I was perplexed by this. There was no romantic editing in my post. There was no censoring. No fade to black and leave it up to your imagination as to what happened next. Nothing happened. We left the bathroom and he left me. I left him. Like nothing had happened. Like I hadn't poured my heart out. What did I want? Perhaps that he yank me into the next room to make mad passionate love? I'm not sure, but I do know an emptiness crept in. He had the next several days off and still no closeness. True my unraveling had already begun.
We have talked, and talked, and talked about how I need him to help me. Am I horrible at this submissive stuff- no not really. Signs of appreciation are there. Little things are always present. Am I always present? No. Ttwd began as a means to bring us closer. I. like many of you, am a hardened shell, with a gooey centre much like those Cadbury Cream Eggs. Unwrapping the egg from its foil helps access the exterior and it may melt due to its surrounding, but there is also another effective method to expose the filling-take a bite.
From the start distancing has been one of our biggest issues. Sometimes, at the risk of pointing fingers here, the distancing arrives due to hurt feelings experienced by me. We all know, and many have expressed better than I, the rawness of emotions in this thing we do. Just like my little egg picture up there I can replace the broken pieces of foil around the exposed gooey center but it is no longer protected as well as it was before. This is the point correct? That even in distancing, covering up, retreating, there is still an easier access to the heart now. About the bite. Sometimes I just need Barney to expose more of the center for me. To nibble away a bit at the side, so more filling will be exposed. Again this is not a new concept we have talked about this. I have asked for help. He has agreed to do so. My immediate reaction to hurt, stress, uncertainty is to rewrap the egg. His natural response to this...wait until it passes and see if filling will leak through the foil.
Well there is my issue. All of this happened before ttwd to some degree. Advantage no raw feelings. No longing for help that was promised, I knew I had to do it on my own, so I tried...never succeeding much, but I wasn't disappointed from the help that never came, as it wasn't expected.
Because despite appearing as if my quills will shoot up at any moment, inside is him, is this guy...wanting, yearning to be coaxed out.
So far I have talked about candy, rocks and animals....where the heck is the Disco? Oh yes I know you are all just dying to get down with your bad John Travolta selves!
We have talked since this post was written. Barney read it before I posted it. We are still trying to hash out what exactly we require from each other. At the moment we appear to be at an impasse. Old habits are resurfacing, as well as coping methods to deal with them It hasn't worked for years, or ever, and it won't work now- and yet here we are.