Thursday, April 4, 2013

I Think Perhaps it is the Right time Now.. Wounded Wife Syndrome Part 1

 Okay by now many of you have read Lillie's post.  I , ( fortunately) haven't had to experience what she did to get to this 'place'.  I also have not,( again fortunately) experienced some of the traumas that many of you have out there have.  I was reassured by a very good friend who falls in the latter category that 'it doesn't matter what has brought you to 'this place' in your life.  It has happened, and now we have to figure out a way out.'

Let me try to further explain.  Lillie and I were discussing something, and I mention our conversation because she already has, and I told her," Oh that is wounded wife syndrome".  In my case I shared something with Barney while we were away on vacation that I realized about myself.  There is way more to it than I am sharing here, but suffice to say after sharing I got the 'look' for days on end.  Not 'THAT' look.  The look that I was broken.  No, not that I was pathetic.  The deer in the head lights sort of look, mixed with the I'm sorry you are in pain, mixed with what _the hell _ ( sorry but the word works best here) am I supposed to do now?  look. 



I want to state that while it had been about 3 weeks since we had a reconnection appointment, this was not about that.  I wasn't looking, at the time, so I thought for help....but I was sharing something that was difficult.  I felt like I was the one impeding our process and I figured out why.  I later, much later after this post, (which I shared with a handful of lovely, wonderful, and helpful women ) realized how I became who I am described in the following post.

Right back to the Wounded Wife Syndrome.  I finally have the courage to share this post with all of you.  I think sharing will  be helpful for those of you feel as I do, and through conversations I know I am not alone.  That was a good reason to share right from the start, but it wasn't enough this time for me to do it.  Now I think I need to share, for the act of sharing alone.  Perhaps sharing with Barney and here are interchangeable for me.  Stopping one stops the other.  Not entirely sure.

I do believe I will have a series of posts in the next few days, discussing the aftermath of this post ( below).  How Wounded Wife Syndrome affected us.  How we are/have worked through it.

Please don't over analyse if you think you are the reason for the top paragraph of my original post.  You aren't...LOL.   It was an accumulation of many, many, MANY factors that had been added up for a long time, not one particular event or comment :)

So explanations and disclaimers complete.  Here is the 'fake' post I wrote while I was away.  We had just come off a few weeks of daily reconnection appointments ( spankings..lol), and I was starting to spin, because we seemed to be back to the way we were before ttwd.  Travelling half way across the world ( or so it seemed), through several time zones didn't help.  I had to became the control monster to get 5 people ready and traveling too.  My BCF * bossy caring friend* kept telling me to talk to Barney-tell him my fears, my desires, my needs.  She was met time and time again with a " No.  I can't"

Here is the post.....( written weeks ago btw)
~*~*~*~

Writing this out in hopes that I can figure some things out.  I have absolutely no intention of posting this.  I know I have said that in the past and have actually been convinced otherwise.  This is different.  I still don't feel safe enough or perhaps that is the wrong word, strong enough to share.  Ridiculous I know because I get far more support, far more, than criticism, and yet I just can't.  I hope some day to be able to share again.  Perhaps it is a case of just getting back on the horse, but I'm not willing to 'giver a go' just yet.  Besides, technically I am on vacation.

Last night I lay in bed.  Barney was reading beside me.  This condo has electrical outlets that sporadically work, so the light on my side of the bed was not working.  It would work if I unplugged the clock, but then I wouldn't know what time was good to talk to Susie at in the middle of the night....Actually even then I manage to screw up because I texted Betsy at 3 am her time..oddly enough she was awake.  Anyway., he had his back turned to me so he could face the only 'working' light in the room.. I decided to read the last chapter in Sara's blog posts about her 3 spankings.  I haven't been reading 'much' on vacation but hers comes in via email, so I thought what the heck?  I mean there is no WAY I compare myself to her and Grant as they have a totally different life and have been at this so long.  Only something happened.  As I read about what she discovered about herself I started to cry.  The tears started to flow, and even now as I type this they have started again. 

Now I am no way saying I am like Sara, but something she said struck a cord in me.  Not one particular thing.  I suppose like most women there, I identified with clothes being armour, despite the fact that I don't leave for work.  But you don't need a business suit for armour.  Often I have visuals about being vulnerable and being naked.  I have recently said in my " Hitting Rock Bottom " post, that I had the visual of being naked, in a fetal position in the bottom of a dried up well.  I once said, that ttwd makes me feel like I am naked with only a small towel covering me.  Actually at the time, I think the metaphor was WAY better than that, but you get the idea.

Then as always, when I am upset, a visual popped into my head.  Ironically FREE has nothing to do with the reason this visual came to mind.



This is what lies within my torso, around my heart, and perhaps in place of  my spine.  Not a
wall, for a wall only 'protects'  one side.  I have a full fledged turret in there.  Nothing is getting in on any side.  Don't start on the fact that there is a little door there.  NOTHING is getting in.  Case in point-I lay there reading, visualizing, crying, my husband a mere inches from me, and I didn't turn to him.


Ttwd is all about communication.  We all KNOW that.  We KNOW that it will not flourish without it.  Just like any other type of relationship, we need to communicate our needs and our desires.  Often those topics do come up, in a watered down form. But letting him in?  Being naked?  Being vulnerable, the thing he needs from me.  I seem to be unwilling to do. 

I am more than aware that especially now, at this stage of ttwd, with the husband I have, that I have to give this to him so that he can feel comfortable, and gain strength in his position.  So that he can see that I do need to be 'taken' care of.  That I am not as hard on the inside as I am on the out.  He knows this in his heart, we've talked about this before.  But he needs to SEE it.  Yet I am seemingly unwilling to even open that little door at the bottom of my turret, if even to just let some fresh air in.  What further complicates things is that I KNOW this is what needs to be done.

Yes, I am hard headed and oh so very stubborn.  I am not entirely sure if those words are accurate in this situation.  Am I fearful?  If I am I'm not sure about what.  Surely letting him in can't be any worse that the feeling of shutting him out?  But still here I am.  Unmovable.

We are on vacation this week and the week before.  It would be a lie for me to say that by mid vacation I had not thought about others who are six months into ttwd too.  Go ahead and tell me not to compare.  Tell me that others don't...and I will show you someone who is not truthful.  I know that their blog posts are snapshots of their lives.  I just had hoped that this vacation would bring us so much closer, without the pressures of home..and ttwd.  I also hoped that we would be in a different spot with our RELATIONSHIP, not ttwd, by now. Perhaps in a different spot BECAUSE of ttwd.  In truth, after reading Sara's post, I guess I was hoping   I   would be different.  Not so hard inside.  Not so ...well me.  More open to touch, no that is not it, allowing the mind and heart to work together and not just desire and crave, my husbands touch, but reap the benefits of it.  Let it encase me. 

I was once told, and I am not sure if this is true, that dogs only use one of their senses at a time.  Basically if a dog is barking at a person they don't recognize visually, they are not using their nose to help them further identify.  So only one sensation can be processed at a time.  This is often how I feel.  I desire Barney's touch- his hand on the small of my back, taking my hand as we walk, even the ( somewhat innocent) stroking of my back end when he climbs into bed, yet I can't process anything else after that.  I don't allow it to enter my pores.  I don't allow it to move me, melt me, do what I actually WANT it to do.  How can the poor man continue to pursue a woman he long thought he had captured ? It is as if I am like Rapunzel. This Rapunzal wants to her prince to come and save her too. She keeps letting down her hair to be rescued, but only lets down enough for the prince to have it brush his finger tips.



Am I at a spot where I think I can't do this?  I don't believe so.  I do WANT this.  I have seen how ttwd has helped us in the past in some small way...or rather has helped me a bit with this issue.  It is only that I don't quite now how to open that little door a bit.  Or why I won't let my hair down a few more inches so my prince will use it to help 'save' me.  Perhaps I don't think it is possible?  Or I don't want to put that 'burden' on him?  Perhaps I think I should be doing this on my own anyway? You know because everyone LOVES to go it alone! and I've been SO successful at that thus far! Here is something too, and another reason why I would never publicly share this post, a friend or two has said that it is because I have felt hurt at every turn of ttwd ( I'd add justified or not) and I can't trust that if I let my hair down, that he will actually 'use' it.  After all that is  a pretty tall order to ask of someone.

No matter what the reason, or how unfair all of this is: how difficult this must be for Barney, I don't know WHAT to do to strip off my armour.  To move two inches to the right and ask for help.  To let down my hair. To open the door.  I know that small steps can turn into great strides eventually if you let them, but I feel like I am firmly rooted to the ground.  Not just my feet but all of me-like the Banjan tree I have seen on my vacation.  The roots have grown down from my limbs.  Securing me once.  Trapping me now.


`~*~*~*~*~
So there you have it.  I wrote this to share with some friends for advice, and to clear my head.  I did share it with Barney.    While I can't share their words with you, perhaps they will in the comments, I did share them with him. 
All of this lead to Wounded Wife Syndrome.  Let me make myself clear, I am by NO WAY saying that you should not share your fears with your husband because you are now afraid of Wounded Wife Syndrome.  It is a must and WWS is an obstacle that must be overcome for both.  I just wanted to give you some background to the next post....(which I actually haven't fully formulated in my mind yet, but the events have already happened)


50 comments:

  1. You are a lucky woman, Willie. You have some very wise and caring friends. :D It is a hard place to be when you realize the thing you are most scared of is your only way out of the place you don't want to be.

    It is especially hard when you've been burned by that thing you are scared of before. The first step to start going forward again is always the hardest. A wise friend once told me even baby steps are forward motion.

    I am proud of you for taking this first baby step. Even if the forward motion stops for a while, or even if you go backward know you have friends you can lean on. Share with us. Share with Barney. You so often rally the troops around us, just know we can do the same for you. You know where to find me.

    Love and hugs,
    TL

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    1. Thanks for your understanding and kind words TL. Without friends like you, wise friends, I would still be 'sittting' on this post and sharing superficial stories of our lives.

      Love willie

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  2. {{{HUGS}}} I wish I knew the right words to say. I think that deep wants and desires you have to let go will keep poking at you until you do, and then one day you'll look back and be surprised by how much you actually opened up. Some of it might have to be forced though, and that's hard. But I think it's good either way that this is on your heart, the more you think it over, the more you'll be willing to open that little door, and then, maybe bring down some of the brick wall. :)

    Is WWS something you named? If so, it's an amazing name for it, and so true. I am glad to have a name for it now. I promise to keep telling the Duke when things are wrong, no matter how hard, or tempted not to so that he won't treat me different.

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    1. Well WWS is something that came out in a conversation between Lillie and myself. Although our situations were completely different, at the time this is what we *perceived* to be happening. I shared something with Barney and he was shell shocked and frozen. I honestly didn't 'expect' anything from him in regards to this post, but I also didn't expect to be treated like a wounded bird either.

      As for the sharing and opening up. TL hit the nail on the head. It is very difficult to desire something and realize that you are the thing that is preventing it from happening. This is what I thought when I wrote this post. Of course at the time I was also trying to find a way to blow up the turret, as opposed to just opening the door a crack... When I tried to open the door a crack, I froze.

      Will Duke be able to NOT treat you differently if you share things he finds difficult? Most likely not, but giving him space to process is just as important I think. More on that later

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  3. It is hard to open everything completely and leave yourself naked and vulnerable. I hope you are able to work past this, trust him and that it works out for you.

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    1. Hello Mischief and thank you for commenting

      The thing is, I do trust Barney. He is a very kind, and I do believe many of our HoH friends would agree, PATIENT man. For the most part my unwillingness to share comes from the way I was raised perhaps. It isn't fair to lump Barney in that category, but it is a 'habit' or learned behaviour I have to overcome.

      I am not sure if I will be ever able to open up completely, but I am striving for a little at the moment, and a little more tomorrow

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  4. Hi Willie,
    From the little experience that I have had to date, TTWD is all about trust- in every way, shape and form it seems. While it is easy to believe that we surround ourselves in a fortress, it in fact is more like a very fragile bubble that we enter, the moment that we decide to move forward with DD, that can be burst at any moment- sending us into a tail spin of hurt and sorrow. We don't want to burst that bubble- instead we want our husband to join us inside, and let it carry us to new depths of love and oneness. Not an easy thing to do- let them in, as we have always managed to take care of everything all on our own, right? And I think that no matter who we are, and how we started, you are right we all will and or have, or will continue to experience what you call WWS in one way or another. Perhaps it is just part of the journey, right? The good news is that we can continue to keep on trying, keep on talking, keep on loving, keep on trusting- and our men will keep on growing in their own way as we both grow together. The other part of this is that if that bubble looks like it is about to pop, or if in fact it does, there is an amazing community of people here who jump right in and either send it back up, or pop us into a new bubble and do the same with kind words, loving advice, an ear to listen- support.

    You keep your chin up Willie! Ya know- you really are the best! Kind, there for people every day, fun, creative- I could go on and on! :) Things will get better! I know it! Barney is a very lucky guy and I am sure that he knows it! Love ya Lady!!! Hugs!!

    <3 Katie

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    1. Wow, I'm not sure I'm all that, but thank you just the same :)

      Your comment had me thinking, about the blogging community and its support. Often women turn to blogging first before turning to their husbands. The blogging community then offers support and encourages the writer to turn to their husband. Some may see a flaw in this as they might think that your husband is your support and therefore he should be 'in the loop' first. I see how the wonderful people here pick you up, dust you off, and tell you what you knew all along. To go to the man who loves you and not fear about being judged.

      When we were talking about WWS I was thinking of how Barney looked at me for several days after sharing this post with him. I thought his looks and actions meant he thought I was broken. Or beyond repair. That is where the term Wounded Wife Syndrome came from. I am not certain this is an area we can grow out of, but it is an area where we grow and can learn from.

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  5. I so feel like that yellow bird with the headlights look.
    I wish I could say a few very wise words.
    I will just be coming back to read what happened.

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    1. Well that little bird is adorable Bas !

      I have learned that sometimes words don't come because there really isn't much that can be said.

      As for coming back to read what happens...it gets really rocky for a bit...grab a seat

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  6. Willie,
    no words of wisdom here, I'm sorry. I'll hear what others have to say since I suffer from Rapunzel syndrome as well.
    I don't know if this could be true for you, but I know it is so difficult for me to open up to my husband and tear down the walls because deep down I fear he wouldn't like what lays underneath but even more than that I'm terrified to let myself get vulnerable and then get irreparably hurt. Consciously I trust him not to do it, but unconsciously? That's another story entirely.
    There is so much to loose. Exposing our vulnerabilities requires strenght more than anything else.
    Big big hugs
    V.

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    1. So much of what you say rings true for many of us Viola. Ttwd enables us to feel so much more than before. It is almost like emotionally our hearts scream STOP! Perhaps it just needs a moment to rest before proceeding. Perhaps it needs to be pushed. Or perhaps gently messaged to start moving once more. The process is different for each of us, and as I am learning different in each situation I experience.

      Thank you for the Big hugs!
      willie

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  7. I'm starting to find that eveytime I open the door, a few bricks fall away. When that starts to hurt and I try to rebuild them but I just can't get them into place anymore. Part of me wants that protection back but the other part is seeing a new protection. It's scary as hell (you used it first, therefore I can too) but building the walls is scarier now. I know I need something diferent. Our communication is still in writing way too often. Getting the words to come out of my mouth is still very hard. I'm hoping as the walls start tumbling the words will come from my mouth and not in email or text. For now we work on communicating in whatever way works. I hope the next time the tears are coming you find the strength to turn over and share them with Barney. You both deserve that.

    Okay, now that I've rambled on I'll leave it to the ladies out there who know how this works. I'm going to use a little bit of Willie's space to thank all of you. You're an amazing bunch!

    Sending warm thoughts, Clara Baker

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    1. What I have learned since posting, living and reflecting on the comments is that only some situations do I have a fortress built inside. Initially I believed that I was fortified against all sharing and openness. But that simply isn't true. A while back I tried, to scramble behind a wall, and couldn't find a darn one! But I suppose I should stop with some of my 'revelations' or I won't need to post again :)

      Thank you for your warm thoughts and your kind ear C!

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  8. Hey Willie

    I have no wise words of wisdom. I find it difficult to open up. But every time I do, I feel better afterwards, but it doesn't mean that it wasn't hard or it won't be hard the time. But little by little, and in my own pace, I'm trying to close that gap, and walk towards him. To trust is so important, but it means to really stepping out of your comfort zone. Unless you do it though, you can't feel at peace.

    I wish that you find the strength to take the next step, and walk forward and reach for what you seek/need and desire.

    Hugs x

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  9. I think I read this correctly! I had to re read, but you are saying above that this all happened and has been dealt with - so the next posts will be how -
    I am then curious to see how it all happened and how you deal with the situation.
    Hope the words come easy, it seems like blogging is a good outlet.

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    1. NOPE ...lol when I posted this things were still all over the map :)

      I am also curious how I deal with the situation! lol

      Blogging is an excellent outlet.

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  10. Oh Willie (((((((hugs))))))
    I'm not sure what to say here. I know that I had some pretty bad stuff going on and walls that were impenetrable, and then I found my therapist. She helped me break things down and move on. Of course I still see her so I can keep the walls down. I'm a much better person now. I'm not sure that's the answer for everyone, but it was for me.
    I really hope you know that we all love you and are here for you.

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    1. Thank you LM. I do know that you are all here for me and the comfort that brings is indescribable. While I was away, the people I reached out to here kept me from drifting ( oh hush....YOU! I could have been worse without you). I also knew on my return when I was ready to share again on mass, I would be met with kindness and encouragement. It was just a hurdle for me to trust that knowledge again.

      hugs willie

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  11. I am so glad you decided to share this with everyone. I do believe we will all experience these feelings in some form if we haven't already.

    I enjoyed that 3am chat...I believe we may have solved many of the worlds problems that night ;) Or maybe it was just mine lol.

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    1. Well unless you lied to me that night, I do believe we solved yours. wink

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  12. Willie, thank you for sharing. I am so sorry that you are feeling such turmoil. I read your post more than once and have given it considerable thought. However, since you say that events have already transpired and another post is forthcoming, I will await what more you have to say before I opine. Am routing for you both, and pray that you find the answers that lead to the peace and happiness you seek.

    George

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    1. George you always say the kindest things. There is another, and not so pretty, post forthcoming. We don't have all the solutions yet, and in truth there still has been very little discussion around my original post. I am okay with that, as there really isn't too much to discuss. However things have changed since Barney has had time to process this information.
      willie

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  13. I am sorry you are/were hurting. Sometimes life is hard. It is what we do to find our way that helps us. I think only good things can come from sharing your thoughts and feelings with Barney. He will find his way to help.
    We cannot go back we can only go forward. I am hoping that the next few posts will be how you both found your way.

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    1. Thanks Minelle. While sharing didn't have any immediate, visual, positive affects, in time there has been forward movement. I don't regret sharing, but it was difficult to be the recipient of what I perceived as pity at the time.

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  14. I'm sorry to hear that your vacation was so stressful and less than as fruitful as you hoped. We are going away for a month and I hope that we will grow a lot in TTWD but I'm afraid that I've built up so many expectations about the whole time together that everything will be ruined. Why is it so hard to turn to the one who has started this journey with us? I read other blogs and despair of ever getting to the stage you are at.
    Bea

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    1. Oh Bea please don't despair.

      We aren't really at any ttwd 'stage'. In truth we needed to examine ourselves most of all in this adventure we embarked on. I suppose figuring out why I had a difficult time turning to Barney is part of that exploration before we could move forward. For Barney he had to figure out why I was so hesitant too. What he may be doing to further justify my fears.

      Expectations are a tricky thing. If anything learn from here. Talk to your husband about your fears concerning your vacation now. I did mention them to Barney, but I don't think he fully understood the significance of my fears. I am a three steps down the line fretter and Barney is a wait and see guy. Often lets fix it after it is broken guy. We are both working on that too. BUT we didn't talk about that before we left.

      The second week of our vacation was much better. Barney either stopped with the WWS look, or I got used to it, so I just relaxed all was not lost.

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  15. Having seen this post before, I am so happy that you decided to put it up, Willie. I can especially identify with it these days.
    Coming from the midst of an episode of Wounded Wife Syndrome, I am only too aware of the complete ironies that come with it. Right now I am in need of reassurance from my hubby, who is more than willing to love me, hold me, give me all the tlc I can imagine and what I need in my wounded state is his authority and strength.
    Having made my need known to him, I am all the more vulnerable and fragile but that is the very reason he feels it is not called for.
    When I first saw this post, I wrote that it is more of a risk to make yourself assessable to your HoH, because although it is cold and lonely in the tower - it is what you have become used to. It is your normal. Coming out of hiding is scary.
    And, I just have to mention that I think it is significant that you chose a Banyan tree as a metaphor - Buddha received enlightenment under a Banyan tree, and this has been a journey of enlightenment for you and hubby. For all of us.
    Looking forward to part 2 and feeling very proud of you.
    hugs and much love
    lillie

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    1. I know I have told you before, but it has been a while publically, Lillie your support and friendship over the past 7 months has provided me with a candle for light in a dark place, a tissue and smile through tears,( and there have been so many) and a genuine feeling that things are going to be alright.

      Your non-judgemental responses here and in private as well as your similarly written posts have helped me to realize that it is okay to 'just be'. Things might not be pretty at the moment, but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel when we are ready to see it.

      Didn't know you did all that did ya?

      Thank you hardly seems adequate.
      love you, willie

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  16. Hi Willie, I am sorry that you are or have been so hurt with everything, ttwd is easier for some than others. You are a very strong, maybe a teeny bit stubborn woman, now you have to use that strength to let go and let Barney lead. I know maybe you think he isn't going to do ttwd exactly as you want it but that is the point isn't it? It has to come from his lead not yours. If you truly want this lifestyle then you need to cede control to him and follow no matter how hard it is. I am so sorry that you are hurting and that this is all so difficult I wish I could help, lots of love
    Jan.xx

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    1. Hello Jan,

      While I understand from this post it may appear that this is about trusting Barney's leadership, and perhaps there maybe some truth to that deep down, it is really about me. Me feeling comfortable enough with me. That sharing, although at the time may send my husband to a place unknown, he isn't gone for good. Sharing with my husband has always been an issue LONG before ttwd. So in many ways, this really has nothing to do with ttwd. It is impeding, perhaps the 'rapid' progression in some respects it was always a barrier in our marriage. If anything ttwd, has ear marked as something to deal with.

      love willie

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  17. Hi Willie, I am so glad you decided to post this and commend you for writing it in the first place and sharing it with Barney. It can't have been easy to do.

    The mere fact that you wrote and shared this with Barney tells of your true desire to let go and IMO in itself is a huge step in that process. It is definitely not easy. Allowing that level of vulnerability just doesn't come naturally to us.

    I know that you and Barney have been, and continue to work through this and that it has not been an easy process and I'm feeling very proud of you right now for doing so.

    Looking forward to reading part 2.

    Love and huge ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Thank you for understanding, ( as always Roz) and for putting a positive spin on this post. I/we are starting to see the benefits of 'this share', although it was a bumpy ride to get to this point.

      I don't deserve your pride, but you are kind to say so. Thank you for holding my hand and being there too.

      love willie

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  18. I am on the side lines just cheering you on as you get closer to the finish line.

    Bob

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    1. Awww thank you Bob :)

      Sometimes that is all we need. A little outside motivation.

      willie

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  19. Knowing that you wrote this in the past, it is difficult to comment without assessing the complete situation and the place in which you now find yourself.

    All I can contribute is that it is the 'letting go' that is the pivotal point and the very most difficult thing ever. Even when I thought I had it sussed, I was still reminded by several people in emails and conversations, that I was maintaining control 'by remote', and that I was determinedly not letting go although I thought I was.

    I have discovered that the place I can talk the most is literally 'bottom' up in an uncomfortable and vulnerable position - which has absolutely nothing erotic about it. I wish I could tell you the times of late that I have been in that position and not wished to share those times with anyone. I have felt my control seep from me in tiny droplets, Starman then shaking the container to ensure that none was left. It was not only scary, I was downright frightened, wondering what I had started between us.

    Whilst we are now out the other side, I realise that I am still creeping along between pits of snakes intent on dragging me down back. If Starman could give me a good shake from time to time I think he would do so. It is very hard and I can only send you positive thoughts and hugs, but you MUST do it and let go, leaving the past firmly secured in a jar with the lid screwed on tight, buried deeply and left for good.

    The past is impossible to alter. But the present can be great fun for both of your, and the future is yours to do with as you will.

    I so hope that your next posts will show that you are in a good place and that you have been able to cast all your doubts and apprehensions aside.

    Very many hugs

    Ami

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    1. Thank you for your sweet comment Ami.

      While I'm not sure burying the past in a jar is the right thing for me to do, I understand where you are coming from. I needed to fully understand WHY I had this issue before I could successfully inch forward toward my goal. Barney did need to know that I had reservations and why I believed I did. That it wasn't about him. But along the way we have discovered while it wasn't about him, there were things that he was unknowingly doing that reaffirmed this fortress within should be maintained.

      I am not entirely sure if the walls will be abolished entirely, but life is a work in progress.

      willie

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  20. Wilie letting go is by far the hardest along with having our HoH being the one we first turn to. In ttwd WE need to remember that WE is the HoH and TiH and together growth is possible if the TiH remembers there is a WE and don't try to go it alone like in the past. Many hugs to you

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    1. You are absolutely right Cathie! There lies in the problem. I did know that, and I felt paralyzed with the knowledge that this was needed, yet I seemed unable to do anything about it.

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  21. Thank you for sharing this Willie...wish I could give Barney a boost:) You will get there...knowing is half the battle.
    Love, Bea

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    1. You are right Bea, and prior to this post I shared with Barney, he didn't know how difficult the battle was.

      love willie

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  22. Well Willie, I have read and re- read this post and have left it up all day to do so. And I feel for you...oh so very much. I have no advice to give (other than our chats) but others here have given such sound advice.
    Know that we are always here for you, even if it is Barney that you should be opening up to. Sometimes a sounding board helps. Much love and hugs my friend :)

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    1. Not only do I know you are here for me, I can feel it. I appreciate it more than I can accurately put down in words.

      Thank you my friend. I sincerely mean it.

      love willie

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  23. I think every time we grasp an opportunity to let our husbands in and show them another true part of who we really are, it ends up being worth it in the end...and 'worth it' is probably a big, fat understatement:) That's not to say that getting to that end isn't messy at times. I hope that by the time you and Barney get to the end of this one together, you find this to be true. ((hugs))

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    1. Thank you Tess. I am beginning to see and believe that to be true. During the process though it is difficult to see the forest for the emotional trees.

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  24. HI Willie,

    I could so identify with what you write. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I think there is a syndrome that is like WWS called WHS (Wounded Human Syndrome) and I think everyone in the world has it.

    For example have you ever had a lousy day? One where the whole world is out to get you and you have to fight your way through? But you're strong and you put up the fight and you don't show the people who treated you badly that they haven't gotten to you and then the second that someone shows you some sympathy or a bit of kindness you dissolve into tears? Why is that? You're strong and you have your armor about you...I think it's because keeping that armor up is really difficult and it will always have chinks and weak spots.

    I think you can and will let your guard down maybe willingly, maybe unwillingly or unknowingly and those moments will allow Barney to sneak in just a bit and now that Barney has read your really brave post maybe he'll start to see those opportunities.

    Hugs as always.

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    1. I have experienced those days Cygnet. In the past when I am vulnerable like that I have done everything to avoid human touch so as not to allow the barriers to fall. To wait until closed doors to briefly fall apart.

      WWS in this case, while I am clearly the 'wounded one', refers to the look and action of my husband after I shared this with him. It is the direct result of sharing a vulnerable thing with an HoH. Something that is beyond their comprehension at the time, that apparently changes their view of you for a moment. Hopefully I will be better at expressing this in my upcoming posts.

      Thank you for your hugs and understanding
      willie

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  25. I'm proud of you for deciding to share this Willie, b/c it is an important topic that resonates with so many women and I think the majority of us (if we are honest with ourselves) at some point in our DD journey.

    About six months into my journey I hit a somewhat similar wall. The past and present collided in such a way that MM couldn't reach me, as much as he tried. The look on your little bird's face is very familiar. It was at that moment when I had to ask myself a very hard question. Will I honestly and truly trust this man--with my whole heart--with my past and my future--with his past and our future together? Could I really do that? I made the decision to and it was sort of like using an old skeleton key to scrape open the door of my heart. The door was all rusty and creaky but letting him in bit by bit was so freeing. We still talk about this Willie. I still hide and dodge him and he has to call me out on the trust issue. I hate it b/c I don't want him to feel like I don't trust him but for him, not opening up is akin to the same. I'm still treading along the road so if you want to keep plodding along too, know you have a friend on the way who understands.

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    1. Would it be rude for me to say, um could you go read what I wrote to Lillie and consider it the same for you? Yeah I thought so...

      Your compassion, and empathy are unparalleled. The fact that you always have an ear for me has helped me and in turn us so much in our 'adventure'. Even the Bossy Caring Friend times, when I may not have done what you 'suggested' you were heard. The fact that you often wanted to 'shake me' was it? but didn't close the door on communication means so much.

      I appreciate you honesty and sharing your struggles. While some may struggle in different ways then you and MM have, you still have the remarkable ability to see their side and struggles and offer support and often valuable advice.

      I know I have said it before, but never more than in this very difficult time has it been more true, without your support I really don't know where we would be.

      Thank you!
      love willie

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