Monday, June 17, 2013

Until I 'Fix' Myself, Warning Anger Zone


I am angry.  Yup.  Turns out I still have things to work through.  I started to answer my comments on my last post when I realized they were coming out all wrong.  Well not so much wrong, just truthful.  However that would appear snippy, to those who commented and I am certainly not angry with any of you!

Barney had read my last post before I shared it with you.  I handed it over to him and went to bed.  When he came to bed later we talked about it in the dark.  He mentioned that he wasn't angry that I didn't submit to his 'request' but he was confused.  I can understand that.  He went on to say that he would rather misstep in the future on the dominant side, as opposed to do nothing at all. 

For those of you who have been 'with' us for the duration, you might recall me saying these very words to Barney over and over again months ago.  "Mistakes are better than inaction".  So why would I be angry about that?  Well I was put off because he focused primarily on that aspect of where the evening went wrong.  True, my post was mostly about how I felt about not submitting, but he didn't 'own up' if you will, or even discuss the reasoning behind WHY I felt I couldn't submit.

Sure you may think, the poor guy, 'Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't".  I'm not angry with his 'request' that night, truly I am not.  I am angry because I feel like I am talking and not being heard, again?  still?  Still perhaps.  Like I am talking into various types of phones.  Using different lines of communication, and yet no one is manning the switch board.

 

At the very least, once again our wires are crossed.  Yes, we did talk about dominance and techniques if you will to maintain this outside of spanking.  Or in between spankings.  After he read 2 posts back, he decided that night to basically throw ALL his dominance ideas into 'one pot'.  Causing this woman to stew.

 
 
 
Did I mention this to Barney at the time?  No I didn't.  I thought it was just something I had to work through.  Well that didn't work out too well either.  I began to get more frustrated.  Once again, I felt like I had to deal with my emotions on my own.  We both have had a great deal of external pressures tugging us in different directions.  His more overtly seen than mine.  The weekend was fast approaching and our pattern of ignoring the issues at hand began again.  What we had JUST discussed days earlier was appearing to happen again.
 

 


 
 
 


The opportunity to deal with this had presented itself. I had even commented on it. However no action was taken. He had joked about being alone and having sex. I told him I was SO not interested in that. He said he knew and we went out to do some errands. To say I was cold and distant would be an understatement. I'll spare you the details, most of you have been 'that person' on occasion.

 A day or two later in bed, I said to him that I was still angry with him, ( despite the fact that I eventually 'turned myself around' after a day and a half....because I'm so good that way...pffft). We talked a bit more about THAT day, not the spanking night. He told me that he knew I needed a spanking but wasn't going to go through with it because he was worried about the one spot ( which btw is fine) where my blister was.

 Once again I grew curt.

" Well it sure would have been nice if you COMMUNICATED that to me! All you have to do is communicate, and then I can work my head around it. Not leave me flapping in the wind.....AGAIN!"



 

" I guess you are right. I'm sorry"


So we moved on from that snafu.  Or so I thought.  But again there remains the trust issue.  The consistency of what is said and done is not there.   In my comment to Quiet Sara on my last post, I mentioned it feels like we are back to being in a car with a new driver, learning to drive a stick shift.  Some days we zooooooooom  forward, and then come to an abrupt stop.  This has been the case for us for quite some time.  I am truly getting a sore neck, ( yes and I'm sure some of you think I am a pain in Barney's neck).  But it is getting to the point, were before our discussion the other night, I was thinking of postponing ttwd until after the summer.  Because the whiplash is too much.

 
 
 
I would suppose to many of you this comment doesn't make too much sense based on what I have shared here with you as of late.   I am just tired.  Tired.  Stressed.  Anxious.   I feel like we are going to talk this out again, but things won't change.  Everything will be stuffed in the pot for a day, and then I will be left to work it out on my own again. 
 
 Is our relationship  better?  Sure it is, since before we started ttwd.  But often ttwd seems like an added stress to our world.
 
  We won't stop, or postpone anything.  But right now I'm just...GRRRRRRRrrrrrrrr.  And no it is now horror moans.  And NO it is not me going faster than Barney.  It is uncertainty.  Lack of  'trust'.  All due to communication breakdown.  But you know sometimes you just think, 'what on earth is the point ?'. 
 
 
Yet I will dust myself off and try again.  Eventually something will sink in for both of us.
 
And if that doesn't work....I can still become
 
 

 


40 comments:

  1. So sorry things are rocky! Smooth sailing might be ahead. I'll check back!
    M

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    1. Thanks Mere ( or can only Maryanne call you that?)

      You'll be the first to know!

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  2. I'm sorry, I know how your feeling, I am going through the same thing. You're right, our relationship is better but Dd to tied does just seem like an added stress. Your not alone on how your feeling and I don't have any advice for you as I'm so lost myself.

    I will just send you my best wishes and hugs

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    1. I hope you are feeling better about things Kim. You know, sometimes there is just no advice to give, but support is always nice!

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  3. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. You know where to find me if you need to talk. Even this post sounds more hopeful than some you have written in the past. That's progress.

    Lots of love and big hugs,
    TL

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  4. The thing that worries me the very most, is that you once told me in a conversation right back at the beginning how happy you both were and that you didn't need to 'mend' anything, just make things even better. And now you seem to be unhappy. And I am worried because of it. Are you trying to focus on too much do you think? The way you hare around would send me back to that mountain I sat on once upon a time. It all comes across as overload. I just want to say relax and enjoy, but I don't really know what you want any more.

    I'd love to be helpful but alas I don't know what to say. I think, and please don't stamp your foot in exasperation with me, that you are still trying to control. But spanking isn't the be all and end all, it's all the little things that are clustered around it. Just sink under the water and let the current carry you along.

    Please try to be happy Willie.

    Many hugs

    Ami

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    1. Well Ami when I said those things to you, they were partially true ( only I didn't know it at the time), but that was a LONG time ago, and sort of out of context. To the outside world we were happy, and we were polite but we were like many room mates. But did I yell and scream and say horrid things to Barney? No I didn't. But I did something equally detrimental, I became silent, closed off and hardened. At the time he didn't 'notice'. Then through ttwd he did start to notice. Life got better. Through COMMUNICATION. LOL ( I am well aware this isn't about spanking. That was not what I meant to come across as the focus of this post. Sorry if it came out that way.) Anyway, then he stopped noticing again.
      I don't know if you have been there or not, but the started and stopping of attention sometimes seems worse than never experiencing it at all. So in that sense yes I am much more unhappy. Unhappy when ttwd stalls. Not because of the spanking, because of the loss of intimacy ( mentally, emotionally, and lastly physically). Now that I have experienced the relationship I have always desired with my husband, the closeness that is the result I am talking about, I desire, want, expect it. Anything less is so hurtful and lonely. Gone are the days of stifling my emotions.

      I won't stamp my feet at you. LOL..We can all only really look at another's experience with our own eyes of experience, but trust me when I say this isn't a control issue. Even Barney has said so to me when he has read comments about control. Although, there were days not too long ago...

      Ami, I always try to be happy :)
      willie

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  5. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you since you always have such wonderful things to say. But the fact is, I don't. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I do agree with you that communication is the key. It will lead to trust and trust will lead to less whip lash. (I should be saying this to myself!)
    (((Big Giant Hugs)))

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    1. Thanks Sarah.

      I guess I wasn't really looking for advice on this post anyway. Just had to get it out of my head. So your kind words definitely fit the bill!

      thanks for the GIANT hugs!

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  6. I have no idea what to say but I hope all will be well soon <3
    ((hugs))

    Also, your blog looks super cute!!! LOVE the new design so much.
    That's good news at least.

    Hope things will be on better footing soon.

    much love
    sara

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    1. Thanks! I love my new blog design too. I feel for the first time in a long time I have one that is ME. So you are right, at least that is good!

      much love back,
      willie

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  7. This too will pass and someday you will wonder why you wanted him to be the HoH you want now. Hope, for your sake, that it happens soon. I can't wait to hear you complain about Barney being too strict and consistent.

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    1. Well I hope you aren't holding your breath! LOL. I know this too shall pass. I don't know about the rest, but life does go on.

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  8. I'm sorry Willie. I wish you all the happiness in the world, I truly do. I hope you find it. (((hugs)))

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  9. Hi, Willie. I am truly very sorry you are uncertain about where things are going, but you still point out that you will keep going, which is wonderful. I think with everything going on with the crazy busy summer schedules certainly doesn't help a thing. You said you are tired - and I don't know if you mean just in general, but tired of it all - life stressors and TTWD combined. It's very hard to think straight on a tired mind whatever the source of the exhaustion may me, which then just tires us out more. At least I know when I am overwhelmed, anxious, and tired, my brain seems to go a bit haywire and nothing seems to make much sense anymore.

    Can you envision exactly what you want out of TTWD? Or are you not sure anymore? It's hard to work toward a goal without having a tangible goal in mind. At least that's my downfall at times. I want something "different" and "better" but without knowing what it is, how will you know when you have it?? I would like to point out though, that the fact you are feeling anger is a good thing. Anger can motivate us if we put the frustration to positive use. I think you are already doing that :) I don't have any idea if any of this is helpful, but even if it isn't, I hope it gets better for you. I really think that it will because, well, it's you. If I've learned anything about you in the brief time I've been reading and talking with you is that you don't give up. So, don't give up :) Much love and big hugs!! (P.S. I got the little heart by my name in the last post because I commented from my phone. My phone has hearts and all that jazz lol - I didn't want to throw this on the end of my serious comment to you, but I wanted to answer your question :))

    Hugs,
    Marie

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    1. Thanks Marie for putting so much thought and heart behind your comment.

      Personally right now, 'we are on break'..well I am anyway. Not a conscious one. It just happened. Like a switch went off and I went numb. We shall see. I feel a thaw, but I am unsure what I will do with it at the time it is completed.

      Shoot about the heart. I thought it was cool!
      willie

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  10. Ok Willie,

    I can see that you are putting all your extra frustration energy to good use! I can't believe it, but your new blog looks even better! It's like you're getting a make over! Are you changing your hair style & color too? I know that can make me feel better when nothing else does, lol!

    But seriously dear friend, think about taking a break - do something fun, with or without Barney - or treat yourself to something girly & special - and when you are feeling refreshed and ready, and when you and Barney are on the same page, step back in. There's no shame in that, you know?

    Please know that all of us here love you and want all the best for you - for both of you!

    Love & hugs,
    Cali

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    1. Thanks...I really feel this blog is a reflection of my personality, and am quite happy with most of it!

      I think we hit pause Cali. If or who hits play again is to be determined :)

      love,
      willie

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  11. I know! You just want a bit of sameness in all of this. To be heard, to feel a sense of who he is for a good chunk of time, to not go back to feeling like you are on your own after a day or two of closer connection. It's hard and add the other stress and you are both derailed.

    We all derail and it isn't pretty. Sometimes MM says that I'm only derailed in my own head and if I just talk to him he'll help me figure it out, but when I try to talk it out he over simplifies it all, which I don't handle very well.

    There are no good answers other than to plod forward and be true to yourself, which right now means being a bit angry and dealing with the stresses as best you can. Just don't stubbornly go it alone. My MM has told me that when it appears to me that men are not trying, they just might be.

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    1. Yeah, Barney has his own version of MM saying too.

      ANYWAY....*THANK**YOU** for understanding. It really is difficult to be figuratively 'jerked' around like that. We have had no real 'stretch' and I know patience and all that jazz, but a week? two weeks? can't we get a rhythm going long enough to remember strongly what it was like?

      Who knows, maybe the 'off' times in between are good enough for Barney? That is all he desires? Either way hopefully some day we'll figure it out.

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  12. Hey Willie,

    I'm so sorry you are struggling and, my heart aches for you and I so wish I had some sage advice to offer but I really don't know what I can offer. Just know I am here if you want to chat. Just email me and tell me to get my butt online if I'm not there.

    I really hope things get on a better footing for you soon.

    Love and (((Hugs)))
    Roz

    PS - I LOVE the new look :)

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    1. Oh Roz,
      I'm sorry I am making your heart ache. Things are different now for me. I won't go so far as to say better with us, but different.

      I feel a change in the weather. What that is going to bring here, I'm not entirely sure.

      love ya,
      willie

      Oh thanks!

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  13. oh honey, i'm new so i might be of NO help,(i think by now that's a broken record, right?), but to ME, it sounds like you want something that doesn't exist. by that, i mean, you've got some "idea" of what you think this life "needs to be" and it's just not. it sounds like you're over thinking it and you just need to step back a little and just breath on your own, or better yet, let barney do the breathing for you. let him just have the weight of things for a little while. you rest.

    this is one of my favorite movie clips, and while it doesn't exactly fit your situation since you're MARRIED, you get what it's telling you.

    http://youtu.be/bbpbf_V8tAc


    i wish things happened just like we play them out in our head's. i thought i'd have two boy and two girls. instead i have one boy and three girls. if i had limited myself to wanting what was in my head, i would have missed out on what an absolute JOY it is to have three girls to follow me around all the time, hanging on my every word and driving me nuts. :)

    just like ttwd. :)
    hugs,
    m.

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    1. Oh Gosh Maryanne...that ship has sailed so long ago. I don't have any vision of ttwd in my head any longer. I have a desire for consistency. I have a desire for my husband to 'hear' me when we speak and not forget, and then apologize, only to forget again. Forget things HE has said. It had changed for a while, but it appears history is repeating itself.

      You see once you have hit rock bottom with ttwd ( and I pray you never do) and climb out of the ashes, your perspective changes incredibly. That is one part of history I do not wish to repeat, so the new perspective stays.

      hugs
      willie

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  14. Willie,

    You have the soul of and artist. When you commit to something, be it art, decorating cakes, or TTWD, you cannot help but strive for perfection. Unfortunately, that character trait is both positive and negative. The positive is talent combined with maximum effort yields exceptional results. The downside is as an artist, we are never 100% satisfied with the finished product. We always want it to be better.

    TTWD is something you have introduced into the relationship and I think you have a vision of how it should work. A certain ownership of it so to speak. When it does't work as you have imagined, then the artist/perfectionist in you goes into fix-it mode, which then raises a emotional red flag because you are cast as the TiH not the HoH and the seemingly irreconcilable conflict makes you confused and angry and sad all at the same time!

    So what do you do? How do you handle the internal battle with yourself when you feel the need to fix something, but know that your taking that action is the antithesis of your TTWD ideal?

    The answer lies in at least two things you have going for you. First is Barney loves you and is working hard to learn the "rules". The second is that you have no time limit on completion.

    When things are off track, take on not so much a HoH role, but a teacher role. The difference is when you put on your teacher hat you can be less emotional and stop worrying you will never "get it". Identify the problem, educate, practice the new ways and then move confidently on. As time goes by, you will wear the teacher hat less and less.

    Dear friend, and I have come to think of you as such in the relatively short time since we met here in blogland, when things are moving off track, try to be patient. You will never reach TTWD nirvana because life changes faster than we can adapt, but you will be moving towards your goal and as an artist that is what we do. It is how we survive!

    Life is a journey, so have fun, get irritated on occasion, experience wild eye opening revelations, kiss a lot, laugh and cry. Wilma, you are...and I think I can confidently speak for all in this community......one of our very favorite travelers!

    Big hugs,

    George

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    1. True, I am a perfectionist George, but only with myself. As I said to Maryanne, my version of ttwd went out the window months ago, around the time of my " Hitting Rock Bottom" post. I am being truthful with that.

      I believe that my submissive actions feed his dominance. In our house that is how it HAS to be to work, not the reverse. But this frustration is not about that. It is about not being heard, and being frustrated when this happens. It leads to resentment that festers because it is left hanging between us. It is about the feeling of broken trust and allowing reconnections to go by the wayside and then trying to fix something that is extremely broken. Basically it is ignoring the crack until the vessel has shattered. Now there are many more steps to making whole again.

      There is no picture of how the steps should be, only the ones he lays out for me. That being said, I do expect for him to follow the plan. His plan. After all he has tried these plans in the past with success.

      Well time will tell what happens I suppose. For now I am on pause. How long 'now' is is undetermined. One thing I have learned with ttwd, tomorrow is another day.

      hugs,
      willie

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  15. Well, I love what you've done with the place. ;)

    This is where I was going to say hang in there and take baby steps but I will refrain lol.

    Seriously though, Barney is making progress in a lot of ways you have not discussed here. Not that I don't understand your frustration, because I do. I have found myself very frustrated with Barney at times. (I'm sure that's probably not politically correct to say but it is true)

    He can be very HoH'y at times, MANY times, but then stops just shy of following through...I still say it really comes down to him being willing to pull the trigger without coaxing. I don't know what it will take for him to jump that hurdle, but once he does, you will be SOOO much further along in ttwd than the majority of us because you have done more communicating than many of us will ever do!!

    That's my two cents for what it's worth, and you know where to find me....I may not have much advice but I can have a glass of wine with you ;)

    Love ya!
    Betsy;)

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    1. First off thanks for the bloggy compliment.

      Second I know you want to , oh wait here you said you are frustrated with him, no bodily harm! LOL Anyway I don't know about PC, but seeing how we're 'all friends here I know you mean no 'disrepect'. wink. He can be frustrating, he acknowledges that. Heck I can be frustrating too. ( sorry to shock some of you).

      I don't know if or what it will take for him to pull the trigger. Perhaps he's more of a bow and arrow guy?

      Something will happen, or maybe it won't. I'm not angry anymore. I just "am".

      Now pass the bottle! Let's put this numbness to good use!

      love ya too!

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  16. Hi Willie,
    I am sorry I am so late to this post. I hear you, I feel you. I have been pushed to this point. I am ready to do something that I won't share here because I think it would freak a lot of people out. But I hear you.

    Btw, I like your new background.

    Love and hugs,
    Blue Bird

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    1. Well perhaps you were late to the post, but I was WAY late to the comments! And everything you listed above is now mute...oh wait, except the compliment. Thanks!

      Love and hugs back
      willie

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  17. HI Willie,

    I love the last pic "Mrs. Fixit". I personally believe that we are always "Mrs. Fixit", in all areas: Mom, wife, accountant, etc. Where would our hohs be without us?

    Hang in here Willie. You're strong enough to bring you two back in sync.

    ~Pink~

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    1. You're strong enough to bring you two back in sync.
      And therein lies the problem, not letting our men lead is incomplete submission. They don't need us to bring the relationship anywhere, they need us to be soft and supportive and let them be HoH's, and to follow where THEY lead.

      Where would they be without us? They need us definitely to balance them, not to be equal in anything but importance within the relationship. They need us to be soft in support of their strength, not to try to usurp them.

      cd

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    2. My comment was not encouraging her to "lead" as you have stated. It was meant for her to not give up and hold on. How did you get to that conclusion? Way off.

      ~Pink~

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    3. Well as I know you have been reading me Pink, I assumed you meant strong enough to continue my submission to wait for Barney to take the lead. As that is how it works here, I have to be super submissive in my actions to fuel his dominance for now.

      I am equal to my husband in all things. My contributions are different, but they are no less. I defer to him for decisions concerning our house whenever possible, but as a mother and the person who runs our house it isn't always feasible, and quite frankly he doesn't want to deal with some of those things. I understood when said 'where would they be without us", as Barney says that all the time. In our relationship, that is how it works. By choosing to defer to Barney that makes me his equal. As ultimately it is my choice.

      I took your comment as picking me up, dusting me off and telling me to try again Pink

      CG welcome

      I'm sorry if you took my post as someone who is trying to run over my husband. That wasn't my motive. I was merely sharing the frustrations of inconsistency, perhaps on both our parts. I would agree that some other who practice Dd might find my statements to Pink a little dominant, but I know many women in functioning ttwd relationships that share those views. I guess that is the beauty of it, there are as many versions as their are couples.

      Barney and I just have to find our own version that works for us, understanding the it will morph and change as we do!

      Thanks for stopping by.
      willie

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  18. Hey, Willie! I am WWAYYYY late to the commenting, but I still wanted comment anyway, to at least send you and Barney hugs.

    I find myself thinking of birds...I know...ask Susie about it...but anyway, do you know that some birds hatch very quickly and other birds can take up to three days to hatch? Both types of birds have to struggle out of their shells, they need to have that struggle to be strong and successful. But the quick hatchers and the slow hatchers are still hatched and are still strong birds because of the struggle. Just because you two are slow hatchers doesn't mean that you aren't going to hatch and be strong.

    I am just sorry that hatching in your case seems to be stressful and tiring and anger inducing. I see the pip site, though and I do think you and Barney are going to figure it out!

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  19. Ah Cygnet, but the truth remains, sometimes eggs don't ever hatch : )

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    1. Well, I remain hopeful...and I'm keep right on hoping!

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  20. Have you ever read my blog? I think we walk down some of the same roads of frustration...I could write this post too...I just wrote one tonight too that u can probably relate too...

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