Monday, August 12, 2013

Processing During My Absence

Okay, I am about to post the two posts I wrote during my 'funk'..  It is safe to say I am out of my funk now and back to my normal anxiety ridden self- something Barney is determined to take care of soon.  I do have a more positive post floating around in my head.  Unfortunately life keeps snatching it from me at the moment.  I am hoping to share sooner rather than later.  Until that time, I'm not sure if these two posts will be helpful to anyone else or not.  By the way there is some repetition in them.  This is not done for affect. LOL.  They were posts to help me and a few others figure out what was going on inside.  Shall I say ENJOY?  I guess I should say, I hope you don't get too bored. 

Again, this is in the past and was just away for me to sort my mind at the time.

***

The first post was original written July 3 rd

The Reverse Butterfly




Since our 'tiff', admittedly caused by my silent temper tantrum that blindsided my husband,  this is the process that I can feel happen to me.  During our brief attempts at ttwd,  I felt like I was coming out of my cocoon.  I was truly becoming who I was always predestined to be, before my world became jaded.  Now I am not so slowly retreating back into my cocoon.   I seriously doubt that I will ever be a caterpillar, but then again. I guess I never really was, so this blows my whole visual analogy to hell.  LOL

Over the last while, I have started to notice/feel that we were back in a cycle of me communicating, him listening but not hearing.  This has been going on for weeks.  The start of a second silent spanking after writing and ENTIRE post about the affects of the last one, flicked a switch in me.  I became numb.  No feeling what so ever.  No hurt.  No frustration or disappointment.  Nothing.  An empty vessel, devoid of emotion.  Does wonders for a relationship. 

Honestly I thought not of ttwd.  It wasn't a silent temper tantrum.  It was nothing.  I was living my life, apart from those around me.  Normally when I become hurt due to ttwd, I can still hear the little voice inside of me urging me to 'do what's right'.  Normally I shove a rag in her mouth!  This time no voice.  No after regret.  No thought what so ever.  Unless it was, somewhat brought to my attention.  My response.  " Oh".  Not " oh sorry"  just " Oh".

As you some of you may recall, when I was away I wrote about my turret and being afraid to communicate to him.  I shared the reasons why I thought so after some communication with Sara, ( Finding Sara).  In a nut shell my emotional 'well being' has always been up to me.  For as long as I can remember.  At least that is how I have perceived it all my life, I'm sure my parents would beg to differ.  Only because I never shared with them.  To this day I don't think my mother knew I had chronic nightmares as a child, other than the fact that I would try to sneak into my sister's bed at night.  Even then though, after she moved out when I was 8, they continued.  My point is, I finally wrote about it.  He read about it, and sigh after Wounded Wife Syndrome, and things became easier.  Only now it is back.  This stage of  not feeling I can share.  This feeling of I have to deal with this on my own.  

However, what if  the 'it' you are dealing with is your husband?  What if you feel you can't share because you feel this time it is HIM, not negative comments from bloggers, or outside influences?  Then how do you proceed?  A few weeks ago during a discussion,  he simply said,

"What? I'm I guy I forget stuff.  I'm sorry"

Well okay then.  You're a guy.  So that excuses you from remembering something so important to the one you claim is the single most important thing in your life.  Okay.  Even though, some of the things you said, and forgot, were things you SAID. 

 The logical part of my brain knows that this past month has been very stressful on us with Heir to the Throne and school.  Feeling like we are seriously lacking as parents.  Perhaps silently pointing fingers at each other?  That maybe ttwd is too much for a man who didn't ask for this life.  But he sure did reap the benefits.  We both did.

Anyway, I have been silently pulling away for a while now.   Even before the silent spanking.  Way before I got hurt.  ( Yes I know that has been playing on his mind too).  He was verbally more HoH like at times, but physically in all senses of the word he was not.

I need it.  What can I say ?  I know I shouldn't be embarrassed to share with people in this community that I need to be spanked.  I have a need for that one on one time.  I need for him to concentrate on me.  Maybe because he claims it does nothing for him.  Maybe that is even more important to me. In addition spanking is  the only thing I have given him that I haven't given anyone else in my life.  I need to be submissive.  ( oh okay, or at least try).

 I , like some of you , feel free by all of these things. Unlike maybe some of you, I need this to feel  free to be the affectionate person I am inside.  Free to touch my husband, and to want him to touch me.  As pathetic as it sounds.

Without it, I am merely a butterfly trapped in my cocoon.

 ***
 
 
And now on to a post written two weeks later on July 13th

Exit Stage Left


 

Part of me knows I NEED to write, but the other part still feels like what is the point ? Of course there is also a part that thinks that the latter thought isn't fair. So let's see where this leads shall we?

I am trying so desperately to figure out what the heck is going on inside of my head. Why I can't 'thaw'. Let down my walls...or open the curtains and show the stage in its entirety is more like it.




It is like I can let them open for a moment, but any little disturbance and I close them and exit stage left.

It all started a while ago. Even before my In Silence post. Unfortunately things haven't really gotten better since then. Things got worse. WAY worse. So if we are using that as a measuring stick, we are better than AFTER that post, but maybe back at that spot. Confused? Welcome to our world.

I ended up getting hurt. It was an accident. I hold or held no animosity towards Barney, because he had a part in the accident that caused me to be injured. He on the other hand, I believe his having a more difficult time coming to terms with things. So that didn't help. Truth be told though, the curtains were closing more often than not before said, 'incident'.

Before we started ttwd, I used to go to bed and play 'stories' in my mind ( no, not Dd stories or anything like that). I have ALWAYS done this. Since our son was 'diagnosed' with the same 'learning disability' as I have, we have learned more about coping skills and sleep habits. Turns out that our minds don't ever really shut off...LOL, or maybe that is just being a woman. Anyway, my 'stories' are apparently a way to control my brain into a relaxed state. So...... every night for my entire life that I can remember, I would run these stories through my head until I fell asleep. If I woke in the night ( which I also did a LOT) I would run the stories again.

During the first few weeks of starting ttwd, the stories wouldn't show up! I would lay there and literally stare at a blank canvas.

(actually this would have been preferable..at least there is an easel in this image)

Night after night, I saw nothing but white. In the middle of the night, I would wake, often, and I still couldn't pull the safe story images into my mind. I thought I was going to go insane for lack of sleep, ( yes one could very well argue that I am already insane based on the current information being presented in this particular post).

Slowly, this white canvas dissipated. Nothing replaced it. I was just able to put my head down and sleep. I began to wonder if this is how 'normal' people fell asleep. I didn't really care though. I was content. No longer needing stories, to settle my mind. No glaring white image. Just sleep. No nightmares really either. It was heaven!

Well about 2 months ago, the 'stories' started to sneak back in. I was able to shoo away them for the most part.




( Sadly this is no longer the case)

But I should have paid more attention. Deep down I knew what this meant. I was pulling away. I could sense it in other areas too. In the past with ttwd however, whenever I started to distance, it didn't affect my sleeping patterns aside from the occasional nightmare, ( yes never boring over here in Bedrock, even in BED). It is so different this time. Deeper.

I tried to reach out. I tried to write. I tried to talk. I would have good nights, where I could peak out from behind the curtain, but perhaps I was still doing so with a skeptical eye.





Barney ( not knowing all the heady stuff that was going on) began to feel like he couldn't do anything right. We had let ourselves get too far apart. Sure I was still being my angelic, submissive self, *wink* but it was only touching the surface. I was continuing to try, but it wasn't softening my core in the least...or at least not for long. Barney continued to keep up with his 'strict' routine of attention once a week, ( I won't go on about that again). We continued to talk, off an on, but the conversations were always spearheaded by me. Talking. Planning. Trying to fix. Not believing.






So there is the real problem right there isn't it? It would appear no matter what move we make, until I am willing to allow it to happen, we are going to constantly be at a draw.




Or is it? Perhaps we need to change our regular course? Don't know. We are in a rut. And while there is a glimmer every once and a while, that we will be lead out of it, it doesn't seem consistent on either side. Causing no forward progress.

I am aware it took us a long time to get to this spot, so I shouldn't put pressure on myself- on us, to get out of it over night. My greatest fear is that in the process, Barney is just going to stop trying when I think I need him to dig deep and try harder. I actually don't even know what that means. I wish spanking was like those televangelist and .....




I want to go back to where we were. I want to crawl into his skin again, not under it! I want to sleep with no thoughts running through my head. I want the closeness, the connection. I want to be able to open up again. I don't want the curtain to turn into a permanent structure, like a turret again. But




I'm afraid.



Afraid of opening up and being ignored. That hurt is too much. I'm afraid I will never be able to get back to this feeling....



I miss her. I miss the water off a duck's back feeling. I miss living rather than existing. ( Too much? LOL). I'm tired of being indifferent. I miss my wacky emotions.

 

 

 


I feel like I am cowering behind the curtain, but still hoping the director will call my name.



 
*************************
******************



So there you have it. Where my mind was this past month and a half. I bet you are glad not to be me or Barney - even mores so than before! *wink*.

32 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing Wilma. It's good to know that I'm not alone in losing focus and direction at times and that it *is* possible to recover from a 'funk'.

    Best wishes,
    Rosalind

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    1. Welcome Rosalind!

      No I'd say its a very safe bet that the numbers of us who loose focus and direction is far greater than two! It is possible to recover from a 'funk'. Like I said, soon I hope to be able to write about what I discovered on THAT adventure.

      willie

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  2. Hi Willie, what you describe reminds me of when we were young and got spun around on a swing. You get off and cannot walk in a straight line, but instead just stagger around unable to go in any direction even if you wanted to. I am so glad that you are recovering from that dizzy condition.

    Crazy paradox isn't it when we need someone to do something for us, but you need them to know to do it without being told, otherwise it doesn't fill the need. Been there and still there! FRUSTRATING!

    Nina sometines asks why everyone else has got it altogether compared to us. I tell her that they don't, they just act like it in public. I tell her that we are not abnormal, maladjusted, whackos living in a world is sane people. We are just like every other family....and we have each other no matter what the circumstances! I am now going to tell you the same thing.

    You and Barney are not an abnormal, maladjusted, whacko family, (well ok maybe a little) (just kidding,LOL). You are a FAMILY who like all families has their share of issues. The good news is that you have each other no matter the circumstances, and that is something to celebrate!

    Sorry to be so long, didn't mean to hijack your blog, but it just all came out when I started typing.

    Have a sensational week and smile a lot....it makes people think you are up to something!

    Hugs,
    George

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    1. Oh George, he's been TOLD, trust me he's been told! LOL!!! I'm kidding, we have discussed many things at length. Nothing that appears on this blog he doesn't read. No not prior, but eventually. The key is to remember and apply. I know that is not as simple as it sounds.

      Funny you should mention the swing. I did write a post, I'm going to say back in January, about being on a merry-go-round. AND not one of those cute ones with beautiful painted horses!

      I know more than ever that we aren't any more wacko than anyone else George. In fact, in some ways we are WAY more normal, and function way better than our friends, ( bet you are curious to see *OUR* neighbourhood!). But seriously, since starting ttwd, even with alllllllllllllllllll of our misteps, we know each other and communicate far better than a great deal of our friends.

      As for highjacking my blog...pfffft. You are talking to the Queen of High Jacking, ( hope that statement doesn't get me on the do not fly list). Type away!

      love
      willie

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  3. Can I just second what George said...and say thanks for sharing these. I feel like this too sometimes, well at least the disconnecting part and have felt it a lot lately. Funk-it-is soul sister. Good luck coming out of the funk and with Heir and school too.
    Love you!
    Bea

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    1. Don't second what George said, he'll get a big head! (wink)

      We are the picture of the too least FUNKIEST people I know BEA! LOL. Yet we still hang out in Funkytown. I'd prefer Electric Avenue thank you very much!

      I have left Funkytown behind for a while, I think. But I am leery as unfortunately it is still in my rear view window.

      love you too!
      willie

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    2. Bea, don't listen to Willie. You can second me anytime you want.... LOL (winking back atcha)
      George

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  4. Hi Wilma, I think you are very brave to put all of this out here. I feel for you that everything has been so difficult and can only hope that you both are wending your weary ways through it all. I have no useful advice for you , I am far too inexperienced at ttwd to offer any help. I can only offer lots of sympathy and much love
    Jan,xxx

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    1. I don't know if I am brave or not...Probably lost more readers again! LOL

      I appreciate your kind words Jan. I really don't need sympathy, although you are kind to offer, these are just posts that were going on inside my head at the time.

      This adventure often deals with self actualization on my part. As painful as it can be, after each step, I understand myself more, and Barney does too to a certain extent. It appears that we have a lot more things than others to uncover in order to successfully move forward.

      LOL..Barney is a 'measure' twice cut once kinda guy...okay measure twenty times cut once! I am the 'where did we go wrong that this cut didn't fit' , kinda girl.

      love
      willie

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  5. Sadly Wilma, for the most part I am you. I could connect with you on so many levels. That empty feeling, just living day to day. In essence, pretending. If you didn't read the one post where I mention it, Sir is not my husband. As I said in your other post, I know the running feeling. I started running almost 5 years ago. I would stop, try, feel rejected, unimportant, and just a convenience. I would speak, tell what I need, why I need it, etc. I always got the same answer, "if you aren't happy, that is not my problem." I also get, "oh, I forgot" on very important things too. I mean important as please don't call me that pet name, it takes me back to a traumatic time in my life. Constantly, he calls it to me. I finally ran to other arms. I can't say it is the smartest thing and I don't advocate it for anyone. I just knew if I kept running and feeling hollow, have no care in the world, continued feeling lonely, that I don't matter, etc I was doing more harm to myself. I gained over 160lbs due to depression with my husband. I have 50 left to lose. Sadly, it isn't until now he asks for pictures of me, etc., yet still has not acknowledged or support my hard work. He still brings home junk food for me with the "I forgot" when I once again remind him I don't eat that stuff. He complains I go to bed early (9ish) so I I could go to the gym early as its the only time my scheduled allowed. Recently, I've been having a batter of tests done as my bp drops significantly, leaving me to the edge of passing out. I came gone with a 24 hr heart monitor and he never asked why. Shoot. I'm sorry. I should stop. My point, I understand how you have felt. I don't wish that feeling on any one. I pray Barney realizes that your emotional state has a great impact on your household. ((Hugs))

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    1. Oh, forgot. I am in the process of leaving, I just have ducks I have to get in a row. Hopefully, by year end.

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    2. I'm sorry HS.

      I can't imagine the loneliness that you must have gone through, and are still going through. There truly is no lonelier feeling than being in a room with the person you pledged to spend your life with and feel all alone. In fact that pain is far deeper than actually being alone.

      As difficult as this adventure in ttwd has been at times, we fortunately do always seem to find each other again. One of the reasons is, although at times Barney has 'man-eyes' and says things that sting- perhaps more than they should do to my heartset at the time- he truly is a kind, and giving man. If he wasn't I would have never brought ttwd to him. He makes mistakes, as do I. My mind realizes this but so often it takes so long for my heart to catch up.

      I have a family member who was in a relationship with her husband which was similar to what you described. She too said that her running into the arms of another wasn't perhaps what she should have done- but her husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. Only you know really what goes on within your four walls, and what you need to do to continue on. It sounds like you are on your way to finding yourself through your weight loss, and your plans to move on. I hope your BP inproves, and that you do find yourself and your happiness. A happiness that settles into your bones and lives there for a very long time :)

      Hugs
      willie

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  6. I am so glad you're feeling better.
    Sadly, many of us can relate. There have been times where I felt disconnected from me. Almost like there were more than one me inside of me. I know. It makes no sense. (Welcome to my world). It's no fun. It's frustrating and taxing. Ok, I'm just gonna stop there.....
    But you're feeling better, and that makes me smile!!!

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    1. Taxing! Excellent choice of words Sarah. Yes it is. I'm sorry many can relate, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate you saying that. As far as being detached from yourself it makes PERFECT sense!

      I am feeling better. Back to all the 'normal' issues again! bwahahaa!

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  7. Gotta love Jack Sparrow!
    So happy that you are feeling better and more whole than you were when you wrote those posts. I do think putting up these struggles will help others with theirs. It is hard to be so open so thank you.
    Good luck with all you are dealing with and to many brighter tomorrows.

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    1. I did chuckle when I found that gif !

      I hope that someone will not feel as alone, or well lets face it CRAZY by reading these two posts. I have to admit I had a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty posting them. It has been a long time since I have posted a happy-go-lucky, silly, willie post. But the fact of the matter is, it isn't always that way.

      I am feeling much, much better, and more complete again. Heck I'm even angry with Barney right now! LOL... look passion! bwahaha!

      Thanks for your kind words and support Zoe. They mean a lot.

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  8. Well Wilma...you know that I really like your husband. He is a kind and gentle soul. You know I know how hard it is for our heads to catch up with our hearts at times and the opposite, for our hearts to catch up with our heads.

    I absolutely know what you are talking about with the stories that go on in your head. When all is well here, they don't even begin to play. As soon as we are a bit awry or I'm beginning to distance, they begin to play again. It's a way of comforting myself and denying the loneliness.

    I know Barney does call your name but often it doesn't happen when you need it to. You keep finding each other, even in the midst of the summer of struggles, he went looking for you in his own way.

    I hope more women find this and read it b/c I think most of us will find a place where we relate. Seriously Willie, most of us can't write this stuff down. It's neat that you put it out here, so thanks.

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    1. Thanks Susie.

      LOL...can I leave it at that?
      He did try to find me during this period, more towards the end-weeks after I had written these posts. The first one he read at the time. The second one he didn't read until last night. After a while, in certain situations, it got too far that I didn't WANT to be reached. Or so I told myself at the time.

      I don't know how many will find something in these posts that they can relate to or not. It was how I was feeling at the time, and what I discovered about myself during the Summer of Suckiness. Those days are (thankfully) in the past, but the self discovery remains. I suppose that is the silver lining? Or maybe pewter lining?

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  9. i think you're right to worry that B won't dig harder and try more, because like any diet, after a while it's just annoying and don't want to do it any longer. sometimes i worry that dd can be like that for many couples. "oh we tried that for a while...." type thing. but the crazy part that gets ME every time is that i feel so much happier with MYSELF if i'm nicely seated. heh heh just like when we're ON that diet, our bodies feel cleansed, purified, healthier. that's how ttwd feels to me, and until i can say that it's no longer helping me, i have no intention of giving up.

    hang in there. you're a strong woman and too strong to get out of this now. plus, i like it when you send me saucy icons of birds, it always tells me your mood. :)

    hugs friend.
    m.

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    1. Well I didn't actually think that we would end ttwd, I just didn't know WHEN we would get back to it...or what it would take to have it feel right again. We both know it benefits me greatly on a personal level, and that in turn benefits our relationship, and Barney.

      BTW I am dieting right now and it SUCKS!!!

      I want those Sassy birds to make it somehow to blog land....well one can dream!

      hugs,
      willie (oh and a karate chopping bird)

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  10. A psychologist would have a holiday with these dreams. I'm fascinated with dreams. I always dream in colour and often remember much of what I have dreamed about. Sometimes I will dream the same dream over and over like a ground hog day. If I come up with anything, I'll let you know.

    I'm no help with 'distancing' I'm afraid, as I am the opposite. I just get a bigger and bigger attitude. I turn into the wicked witch of the west. And the east too.

    One thing I might suggest to you, instead of writing stories in your head, is to draw or paint a picture of what you are dreaming. I know several people who do that. I don't usually have any trouble getting to sleep - it's staying asleep that vexes me. I wake up around 2 or 3 am and worry, worry, worry - often about nothing substantial at all. Life is so good at throwing curved balls!

    I think we all just have to soldier on kiddo! Wherever we look at the moment, stress of one sort or another rears its ugly head.

    Keep you chin up, concentrate, and set your shoulder to the wheel. I know you will be okay - it's just going to take a bit longer (well, there's always one isn't there?!).

    Take care Willie, many hugs,

    Ami

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    1. LOL I think I could keep a therapist busy for many years, before we even got to dreams!

      Really the distancing and the wicked witch isn't so different, IMHO. The sting is the same, but one is just more obvious than the other. Let's just say I am the wicked witch of the NORTH...giving frostbite to Barney,( yes I know in the Wizard of Oz she was the GOOD witch).

      Together we are having mini break throughs over here almost on a daily basis. There are times when we stumble back a bit, but over all there is progress. I won't say back to where we 'were' as once again we are heading in a different direction. Ahhhhhhhhh the beauty of ttwd. NEVER a dull moment!

      hugs to you too Ami!

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  11. I have a reply but its late so tomorrow I shall reply, email or post a post for you...but I wanted to give u big hugs and tell u that your not alone in your thinking and I'm here for ya even though were just getting to know eachother..


    big hugs

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    1. I do look forward to hearing from you Daisy. Sorry I haven't commented yet on your blog. I have been there. Thank you for letting me know I'm not completely insane and alone. That means a lot! Oh wait, you only said alone! LOL.

      Thank you also for your kind words and support.
      willie

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  12. Hey Willie.

    How in the world did I miss this post originally! I'm sorry I missed it and so glad I discovered it now :)

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sure reading this is going to help a number of people as I think we can all relate to some degree or another to the inner turmoil and then disconnect from ourselves. This stuff isn't easy to right about so again, thank you for doing so.

    I'm so glad you are out of your 'funk' and feeling more like 'you' again.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Yeah Roz, it is almost as if you have a LIFE of your OWN! how dare you!!!

      You can relate to some degree or another? Oh you poor dear, I think we are going to require something stronger than our usual coffee/tea combo!

      Seriously thank you for being there? Here? even when thinks were a little 'funky' in your part of the world too.

      love.
      willie

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  13. I'm so sorry that this has been such a horrible summer for you! You've offered so many helpful words when things have been hard in my world. I wish I had some words of wisdom or help for you but it sounds like you've found your way through. One of the best things you told me was to make ttwd our own, not try to make it look like anyone elses life. I really have to go back to that over and over again. And not just what other people make of this lifestyle but also the ideas I had about what this would be like. I've come to the realization that if there is any chance of this working I have to lower my expectations drastically. For a long time that felt like failure but I've come to see it as nothing more than reality. If I continue thinking, saying and acting like what we're doing isn't enough we both feel like we're failing and ultimately that is going to lead us into failure. I've shared with you and a couple of other people that we were at this point. After 15 years of marriage we divorced and were apart for several years. We've been back together now for a little over six years and when I get totally frustrated over where we are headed I have the lost years to look back on. I don't want to go back to being alone. We chose with open eyes to be back together. We love each other and we both said no going back this time.

    I agree this has a lot to do with self discovery! Over the summer I have come to see ttwd much differently. Our thing is definately not Dd. I've wiped out the idea of submission. I focus on respect. I respect my husband enough to try hard to let him lead. And try is the optimal word. When I see signs that he's doing that it feels wonderful. When it feels like it's slipping away again I'm trying really hard to just ride it out instead of throwing in the towel. For me this is a huge change. Unfortunately I'm not a natural optimist. I would love to be the glass half full type of person but it's just not my natural personality. If I were a cartoon character I'd be Eeyore. So I go back to hearing you say make ttwd ours. It's getting there. I'm hoping the end of the summer is muchbmore peacefulnfor you and your thing is becoming what is comfortable for you and Barney.

    Sending you warm thoughts! Clara

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  14. Clara, I'm so happy for you! You had been absent for a while so I was worried. Finding what works for you and how you can accept things that aren't what you think you want, in your mind and heart is such a huge thing.

    I paused, if you will over the summer, and things are so much better. It has only been a short while, but once again things feel different, but not overwhelming for either of us. What I have learned at least in our case is....we struggle, and struggle, often for a VERY long time. I stop( not ttwd, just lay bare to some degree) and he carries on because of it. Each time creating a 'new' look. You might be surprised where you are in a couple of months.

    It was so good to hear from you
    willie

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  15. catching up this morning... sorry I'm late to the party lol

    I think everybody has really said it all already.

    The 'stories'. I have them too. My mind never quits either. Somehow engaging in a daydream-like story sorts through things and calms the storm a little, lets me relax. Or it gives me something to focus on maybe? Mine come and goes in intensity depending on if I feel like admitting medicine helps me and actually taking it. So my stories are there, while I'm driving, while cooking, while trying to sleep. I thought it was just daydreaming I never grew out of. Maybe it is.

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  16. The great thing about THIS party Chickie...it goes all night! you are never considered late- especially because no one seems to be able to sleep around here lately....LOL

    Well I hope your 'daydreams' are pleasant ones at the very least!

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