Monday, August 5, 2013

Running

I am a runner. 
 
Unfortunately not that kind of runner, ( there are a few good reasons why I couldn't wear shorts like that out in public too!  Ttwd wives know one, and another, because they wouldn't cover as much...oh I guess that could be the SAME reason)
 
 
 
 
Right, focus Wilma.  Back to running.  Before we started attempting   ttwd,  I'm not sure I realized that I really was a runner.  I explained ( a million posts ago) in my second post, that I had an emotional switch track- like a train. 
 
If my emotions were becoming too much, I would flick the switch in my brain/heart, and change direction.  I became so proficient in this method of control that over time I suppose I began to just loop around on myself in a way that I felt nothing.  Or very little.  

As time went on, with this ttwd, I began to let the walls crumble a bit...(most of know this to a certain degree).  This became the metaphor of choice.  Yes, it was decided that I was a mason and built walls.   Ttwd became some what of a wrecking ball allowing the walls to be destroyed.  Some talk about peeling back the layers of an onion.  Throughout this adventure, they are discovering more and more about themselves.  I whole heartily agree.  I thought within this process, I was done discovering for a while.

Honestly, our adventure with ttwd, has been primarily about self discovery.  For both myself AND Barney.  We have discovered why we are the way were are.  A great deal of it, (shocking!) has to do with how we were raised and how we dealt or didn't deal with things when we were younger.  Piling those bricks up, to build those walls.  Neither one of us 'blames' our upbringing, but knowing the whys, helps each other understand the 'how to' in able to reach each other to a certain degree.

There lies in the problem.  If we both have discovered things about ourselves, and have shared them with each other, WHY do we fail to do our part to help each other flourish in this relationship?  Well because it isn't easy! 



 
 
 
 
It has been well over a month since I have written a personal post.  Prior to that I wrote a couple of posts that weren't so positive as far as our relationship and ttwd was concerned.  The weeks proceeding these posts did not show much improvement.  I think I mentioned that  there was an accident where I ended up becoming hurt.  It wasn't entirely Barney's fault, and  again I will state, after a discussion, I had held no ill will  towards him.  He on the other hand had a much more difficult time coming to grips with things.  He is, for the most part over the accident, yet I know it is still in the back of his mind.  Anyway, this has played a crucial part in our dynamic disconnect.
 
 
This summer I have become an expert in the silent sucker punch.  Instead of  poking the bear when needing attention, I have closed myself off.  Or as I refer to it, a silent temper tantrum.  Before this would be obvious to Barney because I would give obvious ( to another woman anyway) signs. More recently  I had started to master  suppression- so well that unfortunately, when I did blow he had no idea that the pressure had been building. He was totally thrown off guard by my reactions. ( GOLD NUGGET ALERT....

I was spanked for this. He didn't call it a punishment, but informed me in the midst of one such event, that we would 'reconnect' after the kids went to bed. But as with most 'silent' spankings, there was no release- no connection re-established ).
 
These past couple of months have been somewhat unbearable.  To the outside world we still look fine.  We walk hand in hand.  We cook together.  We are respectful of one another.  But for those of us who have experienced the wonder and beauty of the connections that ttwd can create,  something that we once found beauty in, seems lack luster
 
 
compared to what we know it can be
 
 
 
 
It has been me who has been struggling.   Struggling with surrendering?  Not so much.  I can go through the 'motions' to a certain extent.  Yes, I have been sassy.  But no longer in a testing, sassy way.  It has been playful, yet there has been very little fun involved.   Something, somewhere along the line had shut off inside.  I had become like an empty vessel. 
 
I used to think that I wasn't a passionate individual-that although I am generally extremely playful, most of  the other emotions  I had expressed did not fall on the spectrum of passion in my opinion.  I was wrong.   Sometimes you don't know what you have, until it is gone.  Cliché? Yes, but for good reason.  Somewhere, somehow in the past couple of months,  I became devoid of most emotions.  Damn it if joy wasn't the first one to go!  Others then followed suit.
 

 
 
We have struggled greatly this summer, I think more at the hands of me.  I take a great deal of responsibility for this.  I know Barney has certainly played his part with inconsistency, again, but if I have said it once, I have said it a hundred times -I can only control myself and my actions.  I need to do my part so he can do his.  He has been trying.  However, the connection between us seems broken.  Moreover MY feeling of connection has been severed.  Barney has discovered and admitted that he isn't or rather wasn't an overly affectionate man.  His household growing up, while loving and patient, didn't include a great deal of hugging and kissing.  When I retreat or as I discovered run, when things go 'wrong' in my heart, this makes him even less comfortable to reach out for me.  My running, makes him uncertain of himself. 
 
I have a tendency to run an entire marathon in silence in my mind, and he doesn't even know that the starting pistol went off.  During some period this summer, I had even removed my wedding ring.  I didn't do it as a tantrum.  I didn't do it to try and gain his attention, or to test him.    We or I was in such a dark place.  I had begun to map out our next few years, and figure out how things would be, when I could 'give' him his freedom from all of this.  A wife who needed something that perhaps he didn't want or couldn't bring himself to understand and provide.   I wrote a couple of posts, that I didn't post,( but may still) discussing how ttwd has changed me.  I shared them with Barney, but nothing seemed to click.  My issue was NOT with the physical.  My issue was, as in the past, with lack of communication-or what if anything he did with the information I provided him.
 
He had said something to me in a state of frustration, that I misinterpreted, ( in my defense, it really was a statement that could have meant so many things, but none of them good).  This lead to the running.  This  eventually lead to the removal of the ring.   This lead to more disconnect, distance.
 
 
While the misunderstanding was eventually resolved, the wound remained for a while.  Sometimes it really is a matter of time.  What further complicated the issue, was our connection hadn't been there before the misunderstanding.  I was still running. 
 
Internally I had run a full gamut of emotions over June and July.  I was indifferent.  I was numb.  I was frozen.  Hardened.  No longer allowing myself to feel hurt.  A friend told me she once told her husband, " The day I stop crying, is the day you need to worry about"...that day had come.  I didn't know if there was a way to come back to us.  I felt like I was a million pieces, shattered within me, and I had no idea how, or desire to start putting me back together.
 
 
 
We talked.  And talked.  Most talks were finally initiated by me in the beginning.  I had no choice.  We couldn't continue the way we were.  The way * I * was.  As time progressed,  I was bitter.  Bitter at nothing in particular, just bitter. 
 
Later, another stage came.  A stage where tears would burn my eyes over random situations.  My emotions were short circuiting.  It appeared that I had no control internally, but externally things remained the new status quo.  I feared I was returning to pre- ttwd Wilma.  Any little thing would set off an emotion, and I didn't know which one it was going to be.  This tid bit of information I didn't share with Barney.  I felt I no longer could 'trust' him with information which required me to bare my soul.  I felt I had done this too many times in the past, and it was like I had said nothing at all.  However, these thoughts weren't as coherent at the time.  I just couldn't share.  I couldn't share because I had no clue what was really happening. .... I realize I sound completely unstable.  Honestly, I was functioning, albeit in an extremely distracted and unfocused state. 
 
I was running.  I withdrew from people.  I wasn't laying in bed crying, as I had done in the past.  I felt wrung out.  Wilted.  Shattered and scattered.  A ghost of myself, I suppose.  I couldn't read about others, for I couldn't offer anything.  I became so frustrated with myself, because I missed myself. 
 
How can one function in a relationship that requires giving, when you feel you have nothing to give? 
 
 
One day, after something had set me off on another silent temper tantrum,  Barney and I were driving.  He asked me what was wrong.  I said , " nothing"
 
" Well we both know that is not true.  Tonight when I get home, we will be reconnecting" 
 
 
Yes, yes...Gold Nugget Alert.
 
 
The spanking before he had said,  " You have been going quiet on me lately.   I don't like it when you are quiet" 
 
 ( I think my family would have had a bird if they knew he was upset for me not talking! LOL.  Why look a gift horse in the mouth after all ?)
 
That night after work, he did spank me, but there was no questions asked.  No answers demanded.  No mention of the fact that I was being spanked for being quiet.  After the spanking was over,  I was hurt by something again.  ( It didn't take much during this time), but this was a road we had travelled down before.
 
The next day once again he asked me what was wrong.  I told him how he had hurt my feelings the night before.  He explained why he had said/done what he had.  I gave him a weak smile, of understanding and we moved on.  This interaction wouldn't have even happened the week prior.  I wouldn't have even been willing to let myself be upset.
 
Barney is aware that I have great difficulty trusting after I have been hurt. I trust easily and quickly until such time.  He knows that although I don't express it often, I feel very deeply when it comes to those I allow in.  We have talked at great length about this.  He is aware of it, but he doesn't completely understand it, for he doesn't let many in.  He isn't cold, quite the opposite.  He just operates differently.  He has friends that he cares very much for, but he basically reserves the 'deep' feelings for the four of us, and that is all.
 
 I think finally I am starting to get to a point where I can allow myself to stop running.  To start to slowly trust my husband again.  Really though it will still be a great leap of faith- internally, for me.  I am not sure even if faith will be involved, perhaps hope.  I don't doubt he can lead.  I have seen it. 
 
My fear lies within me that I can give myself freely again. That I can stop running, and unpack my bags.  Perhaps it is time for baby steps again.  Allowing him to carry my bags away from the front door, with the hopes that some day soon I will be able to pop them open.  Hope that I will let him see inside.  See what I am carrying once again- like I did a few months ago so willingly that it was second nature.
 
 
My first step is to not take a step at all... but to stop running.
 
(Sorry if this rambling didn't make much sense.  I am away from home, and have somehow managed to injure my back. I am having back spasms that are brutally painful, and am hyped up on pain meds.  But I wanted to let those of you who have checked up on me know where I was, and why I haven't really been around.)
 

34 comments:

  1. Oh my, Wilma .... life is not easy, right?
    I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you know what? Perhaps such negative "times" needed before anything good comes out of it? Like a phoenix bird .. something must die before something good and new is born? Slightly more playful, perhaps?

    You are on the good way that you can summarize your thoughts and see what is good and not good in your relationship. It tends to be step one.

    Wilma, I am sending you lots of positive energy, and a thousand hugs.
    Fight, Wilma, fight for your marriage.

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    1. Thanks Mona Lisa,

      I really did need to figure things out on my own. I wasn't sure what was going on inside of me, still haven't figured out why, but things are finally good around here. It was a very difficult couple of months, but slowly things have turned around in me and we are working together as a married couple should again.

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  2. Hi Willie,

    I am so sorry you have been though such a horrid emotional time and felt awful that we have connected much lately. The disconnect is the worst. Believe me, I can identify with struggling to maintain the dynamic right now!

    Like Mona, I see positives in this post in that you are able to understand what went wrong and why you felt the way you did and what was working and what wasn't. The other thing I see is that you are both trying. You haven't given up.

    Take those baby steps toward Barney sweetie, rather than run. I hope your back feels better soon too.

    Much love and ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Hey Roz, please don't fret. I wasn't in a place where I wanted to reach out or be reached out too.

      We are back to each other now. We pretty much were (almost) there when I wrote this post, that is how I was able to think clearly about the past 2 months.

      Love
      willie

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  3. Hi Willie, :)

    I'm sorry that you have been having such a tough time these past few months. Also sorry to hear about your back. Those kinds of things hurt and the meds that they give can really help, but they do make you sleepy. I hope you feel better soon.

    What I think that I want to remind you about is that we can help people to change, but we cannot change people. They need to do that within themselves. If they need to make positive changes then they need to understand somehow what those things are that need changing. Maybe they will and perhaps they won't for any number of reasons. The important thing here is for you to try your hardest to understand and look at them in a different light. That might mean lowering your expectations a bit, or discovering the root of something in Barney's past that causes a certain reaction and coming to terms with that and readjusting how you look at it. You mentioned that you have both been talking and seeing some of this stuff. That's really good!!!

    Perhaps it means that you will have to let some stuff go, or recognize that something he does that hits you hard is not such a thing in his eyes. It really is all about a dance of really understanding. I have learned that there are reasons why people act as they do. You can't change them but you can lovingly change your reaction. And I am big on the phrase, "To love is to understand." And that works both ways. :)

    Feel better and everyone is here to help. Hugs to you,

    <3 Katie

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    1. My back is much better thanks for asking. I only had over the counter drugs, so they just took the edge off.


      Thanks for your concern :)
      willie

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  4. It's so great to hear from you here again Wilma. I've missed you.

    The line that really grabbed me was the one about you feeling frustrated with yourself because you miss yourself. That just seems to so eloquently sum up what's really at the heart of the matter here. Sometimes until we are able to really find ourselves and love ourselves, it makes it near impossible to go beyond that and really get in deep with anybody or anything else going on in our lives. You may be a runner, but you aren't a quitter;) You'll work your way through all of this and embrace yourself once again and I am guessing that Barney can help you with that too, if you let him. ((HUGS))

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    1. Thank you for your understanding Tess. And I love what you said, it echoed in my head for a good day, " you maybe a runner, but you aren't a quitter". You are absolutely right. I might not do things the way others think it should be done, but I haven't given up. Over the past few months I have had people tell me that if they had faced some of the difficulties with ttwd that I have, they would have given up long ago.

      I know we aren't to compare, but I should remember myself that this is hard, and harder for some than others. We have weathered some pretty interesting storms over here, and managed to limp out of them. This time was no different. Sometimes running is okay, if that is what you need to become stronger, as long as you run in a loop! LOL

      Fortunately that is what I did. I am back to me, and feeling great about it. It has been a very long time since I have felt like 'me'.

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  5. Relationships in general are work, when you add in ttwd is can create a whole new level of fustration and anxiety. I know that it is much easier to regress in order to deal with it all, but as I have learned (the hard way) it doesn't help either party to run an emotional marathon, and leave the other in the dust. I agree with Roz, instead of running away continue taking baby steps towards Barney, let him be your rock and allow you to open up.... share the hurt, the pain, the fustration and the love :) Hang in there :)

    ~ Tasha

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    1. Thanks Tasha.

      At the start of this whole unravelling, I did share the hurt, and pain, and the frustration. It didn't feel like it was getting us anywhere, that further added insult to injury.

      I too do not advocate running or closing up, but it happened. It happened for a very long time, and no matter what I tried, it appeared that I wasn't opening up. I do believe all the things that I thought weren't working may have actually been softening my armour. I was pretty fortified there for a while however! LOL.

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  6. I am glad that you posted because I have been worried about you! I am sorry you have been struggling so much and that life is so difficult. It sounds like you are in such a tangle of emotions that it is difficult to find a way out. I am glad that you are working to sort things out and thinking about stopping the run and finding a good place to unpack the bags when you're ready.

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    1. I'm sorry Cygnet, I didn't intend to worry you. I wasn't in a place of being open or sharing for a while. I felt like I had to basically stay in a ball to keep from flying apart.

      Hopefully soon, I will be writing about our next stage ;)

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  7. Damn Willie, I was going to contact you today. Not because anything has changed here, but I have started coming out of myself alittle and thinking of others and I have been wondering how you were. Sigh.
    As always we seem to be sort of in the same place. I feel like things were moving along at a good pace and then suddenly we lost focus of something important and have found ourselves deep in the darkest part of the forest. The place I thought we had sent all our old patterns of behavior to die. I wish I could figure out what that important thing was, so I could figure out how to navigate out of here. I would share it with you if I knew. I am clueless. Yes I have also mentally mapped out my future if we can't find our way out. Notice I wrote MY future. Right now I am stuck in the forest with monsters of fear, anger, resentment, depression and isolation.
    I am sorry about your back. I hope it is better soon.
    Much love,
    Blue Bird

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    1. You know Blue Bird, I have tried and tried to put my finger on ONE thing..or maybe the straw that finally broke the camel's back, but I just think it was accumulation of things. Too many "almost theres" and frustration of wanting to turn back time to a better time of connection.

      Ultimately though this was really about me. Barney was trying. But I wasn't being honest with him( for valid reasons I told myself) or with myself. I slowly let myself slide down the hill.

      As far as getting out of the forest, it was the same thing. It wasn't truly one thing or an epiphany. I tried(albeit half-assed, as that is all I had the strength for at the time) many things, but in the end it was accumulation of attempts, and time that had me where I wanted to be.

      As difficult as it is, I truly believe ALL of those emotions you described need to surface. I am trying to find my words to explain what has happened, hopefully they will come soon.

      Much love to you my friend. I hope you find yourself and each other soon too!

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  8. Hi Wilma, I'm glad that you posted, I have been thinking of you lately and hoping that you and Barney are okay. I may not always comment, but I do keep track of bloggers that I have come to like and admire. Like you :)

    I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such problems. It just seems like this summer has been pretty hard for many in blogland. I don't feel qualified to even try to give you any advice. I can only offer sympathy and good thoughts sent your way. Hugs!

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    1. Queenie! I have been wondering about you too...and thank you so much for your sweet words.

      Things are better now. I feel like me again. But I admit it was a difficult beginning of the summer. I suppose all things happen for a reason, hopefully some day I will figure out the 'silver lining' of this.

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  9. Hi Willie, I am glad you have blogged, I wondered where you had been. I am so sorry that you and Barney have had such a difficult time lately. I really don't have advice only sympathy. One thing though that does come across from your posts is that you and Barney either are at different stages in this journey or want different things from ttwd. This I suppose is at the crux of it all and you are somehow going to have to negotiate a compromise. I am so sorry that you have been so unhappy,
    much love
    Jan.xx
    P.S.I love the new look to your blog, I bow to your computer skills.

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    1. Thanks Jan

      I respectfully disagree, or well maybe it is my writing. The issue really had very little to do with ttwd. The only aspect of ttwd that 'caused' the meltdown, hardening up, breakdown..whatever you'd like to call it, was the fact that I am no longer really able to stifle my hurt anymore. If I am to be honest, I probably had felt this way a hundred times before in our marriage, but I would bury it and move on. Ttwd, had disabled that burying option. Yes, I did resort to some similar tactics, and even came up with some newer ones, but I was still aware of the fact there was a problem within me. Prior to all we have accomplished with communication and self actualization from ttwd, I wouldn't have allowed myself to delve deeper and allow myself all of these emotions. Were they all justified? Most likely not, but they were all mine to feel and for whatever reason I needed to do so.

      Unhappiness was the worst of the feelings, that seemed to linger within just about every stage I went through, but it is gone now Jan.

      love to you
      willie

      PS. now you know the truth...it really isn't that complicated to redo your blog is it? lol

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  10. You have had a lot of passion, and it is true, we often don't see what we have until it's gone. I know this can't be easy for you, especially taking those baby steps back when you have been so hurt. You really are fighting for this marriage, even with all the pain. You can do this, I know it's hard, but you have this amazing strength in you that so many only dream of. We're all here if you need.

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    1. Well EsMay that is one flicker of silver in the lining I have been looking for- I now realize that I do have passion! LOL

      Your kind words humble me EsMay. Thank you for your continuous kindness and support.

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  11. Well Willie...I have watched you through this, worrying a lot at times and not so much at others b/c it is where you needed to go and what you needed to do in order to find yourself again. There was pushing and pulling and explaining to Barney over and over what you needed. Then you stopped and let go and in some ways left him to figure things out or not...as my husband would say. He says it is what guys do. I sure don't envy this time you've been in--a shadow of the real you that I have known. There is no joy down in that rabbit hole, but there is some discovery and you've done that. You two know each other better now. You know where you go (or run to) when you can no longer cope. Barney is more aware of how old family stuff can't help but make him tick in a certain way. It's not that it is healthy to run and hide in stark daylight, but there are times when it is what we must do. You are both trying and I can't say strongly enough how much there is to mutual trying. I see the glimmers of sunshine in your words and for you to say out loud that you might be up to baby steps again is huge. You would not have said that even 2 weeks ago.

    I'm SO glad you are back...and you know that I mean that on many different levels. :)

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    1. I'm happy to be back!

      I think the key thing here for others to take away, if I may be so bold, is if you feel you *need* to do something for yourself and your sanity(for lack of a better word, you know very well, first hand sanity and I are not good friends)you should. I mean really examine your motives for it. But as I said to Cygnet, I needed to figuratively roll into a ball because I was afraid parts of me were blowing away, and I wasn't sure if I could recover them later. Maybe 'low battery light' on the computer is a better example.
      I didn't do it to pout, or as a tantrum, or to test, or to show Barney anything. It was 'simply' a self preservation maneuver.

      I know these past couple of months have been difficult with me for you too Susie. I appreciate you being the ear to my rants, tears, and even sounds of silence. I appreciate you trying to chase me down the hole and foolishly *wink* yank me out. I know it is draining to have a friend who isn't whole.

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  12. I am so happy to see this post from you. You know that I was worried about where you were, and I glad that you are trying to open back up. It is so hard, and I guess I almost "felt" this post because I am much the same way. I run too, and once you run so far, it's hard to come back. I am working on it too. I am sure Barney will be noticing that you are coming back too :) I missed your presence, and I would be sad if you ran from us too ;) I know I haven't been around much, but I do think about you and others and always hope everyone is doing well. I do hope your back feels better soon, Dear!

    (((HUGS)))
    Marie

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    1. Thank you for sharing with me that you 'felt' this too. It means a great deal when you hang yourself out on the public clothes line for everyone to see, stains and all, and someone else steps up and says, hey I can't get that stain out either! LOL

      I think I did run so far that it was difficult to come back. Once and a while I would turn around and start to walk, but I was so exhausted that at some point I just stood still and then sat down. Barney always had me in sight, but was I was too far away to hear him calling. I could see he never turned his back and walked away.

      I guess I just needed to catch my breath after all that running. Have my breathing return to somewhat normal, and begin to walk back. Fortunately when I only had a few more steps to make, Barney came and took my hand....notice I didn't say took me IN hand...LOL.

      Thanks for checking up on me Marie. It did mean a lot at the time and still does!

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  13. I think your rambling does make sense, and I'm sorry for what you are going through. It could be called an "emotional separation" even though you remained in the same house. Painful, confusing, and lonely. I don't entirely understand how Barney could let you drift so far though. I live with a keen eye and swift hands, and it's not something I can relate to, but I do know how a heart can become hard while still going through the motions. So perhaps your struggles were far more internal and not very visible.

    I wrote a post not long ago called Assume the Best. My husband tells me how quickly I stop trusting, assume the worst of him, and refuse to communicate with him because I think he won't listen. I'm really trying to give him the benefit of the doubt more often.

    It's true though, that ttwd changes us in profound ways, and perhaps your changes are scary for you, when you feel unsupported and misunderstood in the new emotional climate of those changes. Perhaps he's not changing with you, at a pace that matches and compliments yours. Instead, it illuminates some innate differences.

    In any case, I hope both your back and your spirits improves rapidly.

    ((((Hugs))))

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  14. I think emotional separation is an excellent analysis Stormy. I was very much detached, albeit more internally than I would normally be. At first Barney did notice, until I really hardened up. There was a prolonged period where either he didn't notice, or he too reverted back to our old way of coping. Towards the 3/4 mark of this debacle, when I was basically devoid of many emotions, but still 'walking' the walk, he took note again. I suppose we started to 'thaw/become aware' at the same time.

    Things are much better now. I am not anxious, or feeling like at any moment an event will have me running again. I am optimistic, which is something I haven't been in a very long time.

    Thanks for the hugs!

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  15. Hi Willie. I am so sorry that you have been in such internal turmoil, but I am excited to hear you are feeling optimistic. Nina and I went through a very difficult time about a decade ago similar to what you describe. Were had become two individuals going through the motions of living and there was certainly no joy in either of us. We are good now, but it has taken a long time to get back the joy. Stormy has some great advice about assume the positive. Corinthians 13:4 says "Love is patient and kind..." I think the most significant attribute of love is patience, however, it is also the most difficult. Hang in there and I know you and Barney will find your way into the light.

    Love,
    George

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  16. Hello George

    Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your story with me. I really appreciated your email. You had me in tears. You sure do know how to boost a girl's ego!!!

    Love willie!

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  17. Hi WIllie. Some really great comments from everyone. I am so happy that you are on the far side of this and feeling better. It is no fun to feel like you have this summer. No real insights here just positive thoughts and wishes for continued brighter days.

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    1. Welcome back Zoe!

      I am on the other side that is for sure. The FAR side, well not quite but working on it. Right now I am dealing with my fear and anxiety of 'slipping' back. Damn...if its not one thing it is another! LOL.

      Sometimes there is no need for insights, but positive thoughts and wishes are ALWAYS welcome!

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  18. Wow! This is my first post of yours to read, and wow! There is so much you said that how I feel and deal with my situation. The difference, you are allowing yourself to stop running and let your husband help you and him get back on track. That takes a huge leap of faith. I wish you nothing but success as you take the baby steps back to the place you crave.

    I hope the back is feeling better quickly. ((Hugs))

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    1. Welcome, Hs!

      I haven't written a post in so long that was personal. At one point I had decided that I wasn't going to write until I had something positive to write about. I didn't want people to HAVE to read another Weepy Willie post. But truthfully, I know from experiences shared by other women, that often ttwd does affect us the way it was affecting me. Many women don't experience it, and I envy them, but for those of us who do, I think it is important to know we aren't alone. Because feeling like we are abnormal to the rest of the community is a very lonely feeling. (I applaud you for saying you are in a similar place. I also appreciate it. This was difficult for me to publish, for so many different reasons).

      Now that isn't to say I was selfless is sharing this post. I do believe it has helped me push over that last remaining hurdle to allow me to start to walk towards my husband at a brisker pace. I am still struggling with expressing myself to him at the moment, but at least it is registering in my mind. He fortunately has been gently coaxing it out of me.

      I don't like to know I have a kindred spirit out in the blogasphere, because I hate to think of some other woman going through that. I certainly don't have any answers, but I can listen if ever you want to email.

      My back is back to normal now...THANKFULLY.

      I hope you stop by again. I think I have a better post floating around in my head for next time. Then again with ttwd, who knows? LOL

      willie

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  19. Dear Willie,
    I never feel I am qualified to give advice so I am not going to offer any, only support. From all that I have read of your posts, I can see how much love you have to give and how much passion you have and how much you care about your relationship and making it the best it can be. I am sorry you have been struggling. I hope you have stopped running. I hope you are finding glimpses of joy. I wish you happiness. Hugs, Terps

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  20. Hi Terps

    As far as advice goes, none of us are qualified! LOL. I just view them as opinions. I have often said, that ttwd boils down to relationships, you certainly qualify for that!

    Anywho, thank you for your very kind words. I have pretty much stopped running. Well I have, but I'm am slower than I would like to be TURNING to Barney. All in good time I suppose.

    Thanks for the wishes.

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