Monday, September 2, 2013

How To Get The Funk Out

  After recovering from our 'funk', a few women have asked me how I managed to get out of it. The truth of the matter is I don't know.  I mean a lot and nothing ?  LOL.  When I first started thinking about this past summer, I had a image of a message in a bottle on the water.



 
The waves and current tossing it about. When the waves were high, I could see land.  I could see hope, other times the same waves tossed my little bottle under.  Fortunately I have learned to float and eventually bobbed back up again.  Myself and my message inside were always hoping to reach shore to be read. 
 
I suppose my little bottle must have had arms to swim and steer in some way.  I think trying to maintain my 'surrendering' self, and respect our relationship,( even without the wedding ring) helped bring me a little closer to shore.  Although feeling sea sick was a huge obstacle to contend with.

 
 
 
 
 Barney was the lighthouse on shore, even if I didn't realize it all the time.  He was consistent, sometimes in a 'bad' way, but consistent.  He didn't move away, or turn off his signal.  He just waited for me to get to shore.  Occasionally he would 'amp' up the light on a stormy day. Whether I chose to look in that direction was up to me.
 
 
So to answer the question, did I do anything specific to get out of the funk?  I tried many things; retail therapy, exercise, new hobbies, stepping away from blogland for a bit, writing...talking to others-to Barney,  waiting.  Letting the waves crash over me when I thought I couldn't anymore.  I think ALL of these things moved my little bottle closer to shore, gently, dislodging the lid so when finally found my way to land, my inner thoughts and feelings were able to be let out in away that was a clear, and constructive manner.
 

 
 
 
Such a difficult thing, the waiting part.  I think  it looks like giving up to some-to ourselves, but it might just be a way to protect ourselves.  To 'shut down' and let things take their course.  Some days all you can do it put one foot in front of the other, stop questioning and just be.  ( Yes I am aware of how Hippy sounding I am at the moment).
 
 
 
I honestly do believe at one point this summer,  I had to empty my brain.  Not that I was obsessed with TTWD.  That is not what I mean.  I think with all that had happened between us in May and June and unresolved issues, I had to clear my head.  I had to be willing to start again, fresh.  I was harboring ill feelings.  Piling new ones on top of old.  I don't have any suggestions on how to do that- clear your mind that is.  I can tell you that in May and June I thought I wasn't holding on to these ill feelings.  I thought I was over them, but I know now I was trying to force myself to a level I wasn't ready to go to because things were still unresolved in my head.  In my heart.

Have those things been resolved?  Yes.  No.  And I can truthfully say, it really doesn't matter anymore.  My heart is lighter and my mind is ready.  Oh we still struggle.  We struggle greatly, and often.  But my hope is never to get to the point again where I just continue to mask things, or hope that if I stuff it down it will go away.

So to answer the question, how did I get out of my funk?  No clue for sure.


 
 
Time if I were to guess. 

 My suggestion for those who haven't been in one so 'grand',  don't ignore the little stuff that doesn't really FEEL little to you at the time.  Take some time and examine and listen to yourself. Is it really just something little and you can work with it, or is it something that has to be worked through ?   I wish I had persevered with the 'little' things back in the late spring. Every time things got better I just wanted to build on that, ignoring what I was feeling. Wanting to get back, when in fact there is no going back- only to a new forward.

  Meh, hindsight is 20/20.   Live and learn.....and well




 
OOOPS....I mean,




34 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Welcome Angel Blue!

      Honestly a just over a month ago I wasn't sure if moving was possible.

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  2. Hi Willie, I am glad that you are feeling better and moving on with everything. I sometimes think that stepping back and starting afresh helps a great deal. I think we all have to do ttwd our own way. I find myself sometimes wishing for this that and the other when in reality what I have is perfect for me. Good luck to you both
    love Jan.xx

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    1. I'm happy Jan, that you have what is perfect for you.

      love
      willie

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  3. I'm glad your feeling better. I've been realizing lately that even with or with out DD or TTWD, we all struggle and get into funks. For me, when I hit a funk, after starting DD, I was worried and disappointed because I assumed the funks would never happen again. That DD was to magically make those disappear for good. But that's not the case, were still living life and still will have all of the ups and downs life offers but sometimes they are even more magnified because we have reached such a great deeper level with our HOH.
    Hugs,
    Kim

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    1. I actually never got into 'funks' before we started ttwd. I would silently brew for about 30 minutes or so, but then move on ( or so I thought). You hit the nail on the head Kim, life is much more magnified now- both in good and bad ways.

      smiles
      willie

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  4. I, too, am glad you're feeling better as I am definitely sliding with great rapidity into a massive 'funk' if that's what you can call it. I wonder if there will ever be any light at the end of the tunnel. And frankly, I am too tired to care. I've always watched this happen to others around here and never thought I would be somewhere on the list. Maybe it's something that happens when you hit a certain milestone? Who knows. (Don't much care for that picture of Cher by the way... just saying...) But to be able to stand back and let the chips fall where they will, now that takes nerve.

    Many hugs Willie

    Ami

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    1. Well Ami,

      Choosing to stand back and let the chips fall where they may, isn't exactly what happened. I became exhausted as you said. Picture a person clinging to the edge of something, and then not purposely letting go, but unable to hold on any longer. That is what seemed to happen here.

      The thing with ttwd, with my experience anyway, is while you read what others go through, and think, " I don't see how that could be me" ( feeling disappointed in myself for getting away with something was my first one) never say never should really be the creed. They don't refer to this life as an onion (ie peeling back the layers) for nothing.

      Figure out what you think is causing your funk and find a way to express yourself. Even if later you are wrong about your funk's reason, I found the only way for me to move forward was to reflect within, and see why I may or may not be feeling the way I was. AND if that doesn't work, let the chips fall where they may.

      Emailing you later :)

      Hugs back my friend...you'll manage I know it!
      willie

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  5. Thank you for sharing this. It's always nice to read how someone else tries and actually moves out of their funk. Glad your back!

    Hugs!!!!!

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    1. LOL...well I *tried* and then I didn't. So I really am still not sure how I managed to get out, but I'm happy to be back nonetheless!

      SMILES!

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  6. I think that we are more in touch with our feelings in 'this place.' That ability to soul search makes us love harder and hurt longer.
    Often- time is the greatest healer.
    Glad you are better.

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    1. I think you hit it dead on Minelle. I do everything 'harder' now - love and hurt. Therefore, the 'blows' seem so much more damaging, and can't just be 'walked off'. And yes, sometimes time is the answer.

      Thanks.

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  7. Morning Willie,

    I see you have been busy redecorating ... both at my place and yours :) I love the new look!

    So glad to hear you are feeling better. I think most of us have learned that ttwd is as much a journey of self discovery and soul searching as it is a journey of discovery as a couple. As Minelle said too, it really seems to heighten our emotions. We become more vulnerable and feel things more deeply.

    "Some days all you can do it put one foot in front of the other, stop questioning and just be". I love that! Great advice too about not ignoring the little stuff. Sometimes these things aren't as little as they may appear and they can also pile up upon each other.

    Love and Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. I'm loving PicMonkey Roz! Just because I was in a funk this summer didn't mean I wasn't feeling the need to be creative. Have to keep living some how. Watch out I'm taking over blogland! Okay just the headers!

      You know the thing about little things, makes me think of Lego. It comes in all different sizes, and the bigger blocks, ( Duplo) are easier to see, and well sometimes easier to take apart( oh lets say if someone were to build a wall~ whistling~). The little Lego with only two bumps and holes, well they take longer to build a wall with but MAN once that wall is put together they are so difficult to pull apart! I think in my case that was what had happened to a degree.

      love ya
      willie

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  8. I have to agree with some of the others...and considering my last week I know that sometimes only time helps. There are these moments when all we can do is shut down and not feel and then there are other ones where we have to remove ourselves from almost everyone and let ourselves feel all the ugly pain. This ttwd thing is no fun sometimes Willie and I wish I could turn off the emotions, for myself and when I see my friends hurting, pull a switch for them too. The thing is that I know it is good. We talk about new forwards around here too...not this business of trying to get back to a better place. We keep on changing so forward is the only way.

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    1. Well good to know you agree with SOME of the others....LOL!

      I am a little concerned about how willing you are to 'pull the switch' on your friends however!

      In all seriousness, unless you have found yourself in this unfortunate place, it is very difficult to explain. We have found ourselves in difficult situations before in this past year, but this one was mine alone. It is quite discombobulating(<~ do you like that? ) to know that YOU are the one impeding the process,(I know you don't like THAT)and although you are going through the motions, there seems to be nothing you can actively do to change your heartset. The only alternative, wait. Walk like a zombie and hope. Gee so grim sounding! But fortunately this time it worked. It took bloody forever, but it worked.

      And yes forward. Learn from the past but don't live in it.

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  9. Dear Willie, I so understand this post. Wouldn't we be millionaires if we knew the magic answer to rid the world of "funk". My dh and I spent the last two months without cdd. Intentionally, no. Who dropped the ball? I would say me but we both must share in the responsibility. I quit reading blogs, studying, submission and respect slipping to non-existence. The bottom line is we hit that old time low where he felt unloved and I felt like throwing in the towel. This weekend it came to a head. We both admit our old life will not work for us because we have seen the other side. Last night we both recommitted to cdd to Us. Will it be a quick fix? No but it is so much better than the alternative. I wish you and Barney luck. Thank you as always for sharing! Lucy

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    1. Lucy I don't envy what you went through. It is horrid. I also know that when you are in the funk engaging in blog reading can sometimes make the hurt seem stronger. I also have experienced with myself and watching others around me, that disengaging at times can be the worst thing to do. NOW, how does one know what to do when? No clue! LOL.

      I am sorry you hit an all time low. But I am happy that you both have found a way to walk towards what you want your relationship to be. I wish you all the luck as well!

      Thanks for commented Lucy. It means a lot

      willie

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  10. Hi Willie,

    First off I too like your new look! I also love your imagery with bottles and lighthouses and all....you have a very creative and furtile mind! I am so glad to hear you are feeling better!

    Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes we know the whats and whys and other times we are clueless. However, as long as you wake up each morning and can get out of bed, there is always hope for the future!

    love
    george

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    1. Thanks for the compliments George!

      I don't want to get out of bed right now, but it has nothing to do with Barney and everything to do with the teenage beast! LOL

      love,
      willie

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  11. Ho Hummm..... :) I love the Lego analogy above and it is very true! I am so happy you made it out of your 'funk' as quickly as you did.

    Love ya,
    Betsy;)

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    1. QUICKLY??? LOL! Just how many glasses of wine have you had this afternoon? Clearly someone needs to pay more attention when they are on the phone!

      Love ya too Mrs. Ho Hummmmmmmm ( don't go to funky town...it is NOT as fun as it sounds!)

      willie

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  12. I loved your entire message in a bottle analogy. :) Such a sweet albeit choppy word picture. Wow, I'm glad you are doing better, letting some things go, and looking at how things have evolved. TIME is really so helpful, the passing of time allows us to step back from volatile emotions and really "see".

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    1. Hi Stormy,
      Nice to know you enjoyed my analogy :) You are right often the hurt is so strong that we can't see the forest for the emotional trees.

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  13. So glad you are doing better and have navigated your little bottle out of your funk. I loved imagining it with little arms. Sometimes it just takes time. Not very fun but true. Just keep swimming!

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    1. Oh no! Not you too and Dory. If Lucy says that one more time to me, I may just have to punch her in the throat! LOL. I'm kidding of course ;)

      Yes, not doing and waiting is a very difficult thing. Good thing I didn't do it consciously !

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  14. Hey, Wills, *I* can think of a few ways to complicate this more - or that it can become more complicated. And difficult. And funk-inducing. And, no, not gonna share, because it's like you said:

    The little things are going to happen. Don't ignore them or let them pile up, address them before they fuse into one or more big things. Just keep each little thing in perspective - don't blow it up in your mind into a big thing - acknowledge it for what it is. Sometimes those little things need to be addressed together, but other times they are just things you need to see and manage on your own.

    We get to determine how much importance we assign to things. My bigs may be your littles, and vice versa. Same with couples. So, when I say we can deal with some of the little things on our own, I don't mean keep things from Mr. Man. I mean, sometimes little things don't matter enough for us to do anything with them together if we can easily handle them on our own.

    The subject of the little things is quite big, and I'm only spitting in the wind with it here. Once again, as with so many issues, I should write a post about it, but I don't want to. Sound like a resistant funk thingy to me.

    So, back to this post. What I took from it is you have regained some forward momentum, found a different hope for the future instead of a wistful yearning to recapture the honeymoon phase of ttwd-past. Good on ya! Your Leggos built a sturdy wall, but the wall doesn't have to stay between you two - it can be used to enclose and protect both of you. After all, it was built with pieces of you, and him, and your marriage. I say you should examine, study and admire the bricks, stones, mortar, ivy, graffiti, and even the bird droppings. Clean off and rearrange what doesn't quite suit both of you, then use your walls. Let them embrace both of you.

    I like your hippie girl on the beach. And, of course, Cher is Cher, and I liked seeing her here, too. ;-)

    Big hugs...

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    1. You *know* if you write a post you might just figure out a few things for yourself. No one says you have to share said post either! Just sit down and write and see what comes out.

      As for new perspective. I think that has been there for a long while now. It certainly wasn't what put us in this funk~ wanting to get back to those newlywed days of ttwd. The issue that started this 'funk' is still buzzing around like a mosquito in a darken tent. One of these day I hope to SQUISH it! But for now I am shining a flashlight on it whenever I hear it. Perhaps one day it won't be an issue anymore.

      hugs back
      willie

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    2. Sorry I didn't explain that very well. I was offering kudos for not trying to go back, but realizing there was much to be gained by moving forward. That is a funk-buster, even if the catalyst for this funk is still lying in wait. You know what it is and you're not afraid of shining the light on it. Squishing the buzzing beastie sounds like a good plan. I hope you squash it before I lays eggs! ;-)

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    3. I may torture it a bit for the 'hassel' it has put me through before squishing it outright!

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  15. Sorry I'm so behind. I agree, and do think that time can play a major part. Sometimes we need the time, space and freedom to process, to find out what's really going on in our minds and in our hearts. You may not know all the ways you came out of the funk, but the great thing is that you did, and given time, others going through it will too.

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    1. I hope others will be able to wait it out EsMay. It is not an easy task. The longer you are in ttwd, the deeper it seems a funk can become. Each one different in its own right. I was fortunate to make it out the other side, but the real reason being is that ttwd although not strong in our household, isn't going away anytime soon. That was taken out of my worry. Pure emotional exhaustion was really how I managed to let go. No great effort on my part to let go.

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  16. I'm not sure how Cher got into the mix...but I am so glad you're feeling better! :) Learning to let go and forgive, to forgive and sometimes forget, is probably a necessary ingredient in any long term marriage. I know it has been in mine.

    Sara

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    1. Well Sara

      As I just said to EsMay above, I think it really was pure emotional exhaustion that had me letting go. I am not sure if I am going to forget, or even if there is a real need for forgiveness in this case. I have to remember to not let us repeat the same steps again in the future.

      The little things just kept piling up inside of me, and although I can attribute them to things Barney did, I certainly didn't help by not communicating,( even if I didn't feel like it) my hurt and dislike of the situations that stemmed from them.

      willie

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