I'm not precariously perched on a window ledge. Just sitting out here. As the wind licks at my skirt, I am concerned that one of my shoes will slip off and land on a passer by on the sidewalk below-but basically I am in no danger. The ledge is wide enough to safely accommodate me.
Barney has tried since 'life' went back to normal in the past couple of weeks to 'bring me back', yet here I sit. On a ledge, watching the goings on below and through the window behind me. Several people have come to the window to ask if I needed help coming back inside. " No I am fine" This isn't a lie. I am fine. Detached- but fine. I am not sad- although life does throw some very interesting things at you. Let's just say we've been bombed by a passing bird shall we?
One bird has made a direct hit while off on the horizon we can spot the potential for more.
But that is not what has me sitting out here. In fact Barney has commented on how happy, albeit surprised, he was that I broke down and cried with the first hit instead of my
No I am sitting out here because I won't get up and move back inside. As I said Barney has tried to bring me back. He is still trying. Last week he tried for over 40 minutes.. ( good times). He sits on the window sill and talks to me. Asks me questions. Demands I eat. Tends to my needs. I am grateful and each time I think, "Okay that should do it. Time to get up and take his hand and go inside". Yet I don't.
He is trying to reach me and yet I feel like I am barely inching over close enough to take his hand. Months ago, heck probably even weeks ago, I would have sat on the ledge in righteous indignation. " Why doesn't he come out here and GRAB me? DRAG me back inside ?" First off, it isn't really his style and secondly, physically I can go wherever I need to but mentally I would still be on the ledge.
I need to find it in myself to actively submit. I have been doing all he asks of me, and well more. Is it helping? Perhaps. I am still sitting on the ledge, I haven't fallen off. So I suppose he is keeping me grounded to it.
These acts of submission whether required or voluntary are like a lighter that has little fluid left in it. It sparks, giving hope of warmth
and light. But often not much more.
Occasionally the accelerant ( wink ) catches and the flame emerges for a bit. A smaller, weaker flame but a flame nevertheless
This is what has been happening lately in our house. I am only allowing the small flame to emerge. It does make me want to come off the ledge and back inside, but the draw is temporary. I am realizing that the issue this time is mine and mine alone.
Barney and I have been communicating. A lot actually. It has been good. He is still reading his The Control Book, but wherever he is in it at the moment is not 'speaking' to him. I have been rereading Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham. We decided that maybe reading separately isn't always such a good idea. Lately I will read several chapters in my book, underlining as I go. I will pause and when Barney has time he will read what I just finished. We then have our Book Club meeting, just the two of us, no Oprah, to discuss what has been read and underlined by both of us. It has been really helpful. Many of the subjects have been discussed before between us, but it keeps Dd in the forefront of our minds and the lines of communication open. Both of us have been far less frustrated lately and I am certain this is one of the many reasons why.
So why won't I come close enough to take Barney's hand and come inside? I am not entirely sure. One of the issues we are facing right now in our lives has to be primarily taken care of by me. I have said in the past that I am not great at multi-emotionalizing ( in case you are new, it is my made up word....meaning just that, feeling more than one emotion at a time). If I have to remain strong and guarded to get through a situation I remain that way until the situation is over or has resolved itself. I am in task mode. This is not to say my mind is constantly engaged in the task, but my heart hardened to do so and stays that way.
This time around I am better with this issue, but I think the situation coupled with not being fully recovered connection wise from the holidays is a key factor on why I am out here. All is not lost however. This time last year I would have driven miles away from the building
As I have mentioned, I am not sad, or down, or even frustrated. I think my sitting out here is going to come to an end soon. I am actively trying to do some things to bring me close enough so Barney can grab my hand. It will come in time. I just feel like my backside seems to be stuck to the ledge at the moment because I have been out here far longer than I realized. I suppose that happens when you leave the window open. It gives you the illusion you are inside, when really you are not. The upside of that might be knowing that you can choose to go back in THROUGH it as opposed to jumping and having to climb back UP the stairs again to be in the same room together.
No matter as long as we both keep trying, I'm certain we can get that lighter flame to last a little longer and keep those home fires burning so we feel strongly connected again.
Or maybe its just....