Sunday, February 9, 2014

The Gift That Fits

I wrote this post back at the beginning of January.  I had my reasons for taking it down, but I have some pretty pushy persuasive girlfriends who have been encouraging me to post it again.  Hopefully the timing isn't confusing for you... 




I would like you to fear meet the new me...

 
 What was that? Oh dear Lord?  LOL.  Fear not I'm only kidding.  I'm not Super Sized by any means.  BUT I have come to the realization that Dd is truly working in the direction we intended it to.

Let me explain a bit.  Before our Christmas break, I came up with an idea. Once again I thought it was brilliant. Once again I was in the minority!

B- "What's the matter? What are you up too? "

W-" What do you mean? I'm not UP to anything"

B- " You have that look. And you look kind of upset too. Neither looks are generally good for me."

W- " Well I was thinking"

BIG EXHALE OF AIR from Barney's direction

W " Okay. Fine I won't tell you "
B- " No. no PLEASE do"
W " sigh, well I was thinking that we should put Dd on pause until the New Year"

 
I will spare you the details, but after he stopped gasping for air, I mean honestly such a Drama Queen at times, I went on to plead my case.  I mentioned how he would be working ridiculous hours and how the kids would be home most of the time, and with the stress that last year was, and well, if I KNEW I HAD to keep it together with no help.  I might not be able to do it- okay who am I kidding I didn't last year, but at least I wouldn't be resentful.  Um, yeah so that went over about as well as it should could have.

  Apparently you are supposed to address issues of concern with your husband in a Dd marriage NOT make decisions, ( on your own) based on assumptions or things that may have happened a year ago.  Huh...who knew?

~ side note, I was telling a girlfriend, who graciously had me on speaker phone about my idea...( all in tongue and cheek by this point) and her husband said the EXACT same thing as Barney!  I may have heard a palm to the forehead in the background, and I know I heard him chuckle, but " THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA" was  a definite ! She was kind enough to see MY point..LOL!

Anyway he gave me some ideas of how things were going to look during the holidays and we were off.  Only we weren't, but that was okay.  Really it was.  On Christmas Eve Day,  Barney told me ,

" Today you can boss me around all day.  We have lots to do and I know you have in mind what you need to have done when.  Let me know"

SWEET!  I mean he isn't a tyrant. He is very patient with me so it wasn't a Get out of Jail card free or anything, but it was still nice to hear.  Sadly, LIFE had a different plan in store.  I became ill.  He became BOSSY.

" Sit down."  " Put that down"  " You need to go lie down"  " You are not going to Mass tonight"  " I was going to take the kids to Mass tonight, but then you would be left here. Probably doing stuff.  So I am not going to"

I managed more energy later in the evening and the majority of Christmas Day.  Here is where the new me finally comes into play.  My turkey was over cooked, for my liking anyway.

(well not exactly)
 
I ended up, because it was the right thing to do, inviting a family that says the oddest things and it cuts the conversation to a dead stop, 
 
 
I made my kids' favourite dessert that didn't 'set' properly.  Curses still for that! Oh but wait  the dog opened the fridge and ate half of it first!

Did ANY of these things send me into hysterics ?  or turn me into a B&TCH? Nope.  Not a one.  Was I sitting on my own roasted rump?  Nope it had been over a week since my last spanking.

I realized something.  No I hadn't  put Dd on pause in my mind.  I was content with myself.  I even let my sister in law help clean up the kitchen.  I never do that.  I always do it on my own after everyone is gone. 

I didn't have a meltdown/stress fit over the holidays, ( okay I was back to being sick again the day after) because I didn't have any stress.  I had done all these things a hundred times before, and told myself  'who cares if it doesn't get done?' or " it always works out'  but in truth, I always had anxiety about it.  I wanted everything to be perfect for everyone.  You know what?  It still was.  Everyone had fun and enjoyed their meal.  I didn't mention how imperfect everything appeared to me.  I just enjoyed

Fifteen months ago I wrote a (much shorter) post about what I needed Dd for, or so I thought ( here if you just can't get enough of me).   So many things on my wish list have come true.  Also 15 months ago a now friend had written a letter to Barney and I. Me being me I saved it, although I can remember most of what was in it anyway.  I am happy I did.  One of the things he said to Barney was, " My wife is actually more confident than she ever has been - she is stronger and she knows it" .  Back then I thought, WOW that would be such an added bonus.

This past 15 months has been a very difficult road.  There have been demons I had to face personally.  There have been people I had to deal with.  All along, even when it looked like there was no hope in sight Barney was there.  You know,  I realized, I don't need an army in my corner.  I only need one person.  BUT I need to really believe not just KNOW that one person is in my corner.  Bit by bit, little by little, Wilma came out to play longer and longer.  Would those around me notice?  Probably not.  I have always had the ability to make myself fit the situation if you will.  But *I* now know.

For such a long time I didn't feel whole, in some way

 
 
While I wasn't 'looking' this seemed to happen


Did this happen?
 
Um NO!  I still am happy that the mirror is fogged up when I get out of the shower.  I still try on a million different things before going out to a party.

I am not going to be making any big presentations in front of crowds any time soon


But if it makes any sense, I am still more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been  in my entire life.




  Dd had brought that to me.  I am at peace with who I am, faults and all.  Don't misunderstand I will never stop trying to improve on myself.  I just have a comfort inside of me. Like I can just be, and it is okay.

 
( I realize the above is most likely intended for D/s not Dd...but it is so true in our case.)
 
You might recall that at the beginning of December, ( no that is not when you started to read this post) I did a post on Masks etc.  I was still processing from our trip away with 2 other Dd couples
 
 

 
 
 
I realized after that time, I had more than Barney in my corner.  More, than that- I had people who knew ME... and all the deep dark secrets, ( ironically I am not even talking about spanking) in my corner.  For myself when I started to open up, and be accepted I started to open up more.  It was like oxygen, second nature.
 
 
Some may argue that in time without Dd you get to a point and you become this person anyway. Perhaps this is true.  I do know for me, for years I walked the walk and didn't talk the talk.  More like THIS kind of attitude
 

 Only those very close to me, okay Barney and our friend Dan, saw me for the guarded person I really was, but also for the person behind the force field.  In time would I have been 'set' free?  Maybe I would have, but to what degree I am not sure.   Dd and all its ups and downs has given me a drive and a passion I never thought I possessed.  For whatever reason, call it timing if you like, I can FEEL an inner strength and warmth in me I  have always longed for.  It brought these feelings to the surface.  I don't mean to imply I morphed into a different person.

 
Sure not everyone is going to like what they see, but over my shoulder, there is always at least ONE person in my corner.  The most important one. I suppose I could say, Dd is the  gift that keeps on giving.  For us it was the perfect fit ( okay it took a while to get the right size I'll give you that!).

 
 

 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 

31 comments:

  1. I felt like I had to read this post really fast in case you took in down again. This was great and so encouraging and what better than to feel comfortable in your own skin. DD helped a ton this Christmas (though we had the funniest argument about noodles) so I'm completely hopeful for next year. Glad you have so many people in your corner.

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    1. LOL. Leah. I was out of town, so I couldn't take it down. I am so happy that you were able to reap the benefits of Dd in your first Christmas at it! That is fantastic.

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  2. Love this post! I did go back and read your earlier post about your bottling of emotions also. It's very obvious how far you've come in your relationship with Barney as well as your comfort level with yourself! Thank you for sharing and for all that you do to encourage myself and others in our chosen lifestyle!
    *hugs*
    Rose

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    1. Hi Rose!
      Thank you for 'loving' my post. I was hoping I didn't sound obnoxious in it. Dd really has changed or helped me in so many ways, and I will be forever grateful because of it. That being said, when it wasn't so wonderful, it was always other bloggers who held my hand and helped me up. It is our duty to do so I believe!
      Hugs
      willie

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  3. I am SO glad you put this post back up! It makes me happy. I also think this will help others more than you will ever know.

    Love ya,
    Betsy

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  4. I'm happy for you Willie! :). You sound happy and things sound like they are sliding into place. Great!

    Sorry to hear that you were ill over the holidays. Sounds like Barney took great care of you. I like how he offered you that time to be in charge in order to get holiday stuff done. Great idea! Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. That time to be in charge would have been so fantastic....too bad it never did come into fruition. NOT that I don't keep trying without permission. LOL

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  5. I don't think I got to see this post the first time but I loved it this time regardless!

    Oh my gosh your dog ate the dessert? Too funny! Naughty dog!!!

    I think you are pretty great. Just sayin' :)

    love
    sara

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    1. Hey Lady!
      Yeah my dog can open the fridge, and cupboards and now apparently drawers which she uses to reach the counter. Good times over here! We finally had to break down and buy a baby gate to keep her out of the kitchen.

      I think you are pretty 'swell' yourself!
      love
      willie

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  6. Well I mean honestly, we have to boss someone around. Our husbands spank...so you know...we gotta get it out somewhere. ;)

    I am glad you put it back up...

    Love ya...

    ~Lucy

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    1. Yeah, yeah, yeah...You just got your ONE obey out of me this year. Was it worth it? ;)

      love ya too
      willie

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  7. Actually brought a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. My Thanksgiving meal was similar to your Christmas one. But you already knew that. I am really proud of you and Barney, especially you.

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    1. Hey stranger. Miss you.
      I'm happy for the smile, and meh, maybe the tear- provided it was only one ;)

      Thanks
      loves willie

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  8. I love this post so much!! I feel like you wrote it for me..seriously! I'm so happy for the two of you, and can relate to everything you wrote about especially the passion and drive....I didn't know I had that either, or maybe I did and I just didn't know how to show anyone else. Love it! :)

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    1. Jennelle when I read your one year Dd post, I was so overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness for you. You have conquered so much in this past year. So much for YOU, which in turn helps your relationship. It doesn't surprise me that you can relate to how I am feeling.
      I certainly didn't know how to show my passion before Dd. Or heck even a long time into it. But I'm happy it is out now!

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  9. Glad you put this up again. You sound so happy and comfortable in your own skin. So, things aren't perfect and never will be, but that's okay. More than okay in fact. I'm happy for you both :)

    Love, Queenie

    P.S. Love the background. I can almost smell the flowers!

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    1. Thanks Queenie! Your encouragement back when I originally posted this went a long way in convincing me to post again. I thank you for that my friend.

      You are right, life is not perfect, but that isn't the point is it? How we all cope with life is. Having one in our corner sure makes life a little bit easier that is for sure.

      Love willie
      P.S. thanks...I love it too....I am pretending it is spring....despite the snow!

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  10. Willie you sound really good. That is just terrific. Love this post.

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  11. I love the picture about the Dom helping his sub let go, and just 'be." It's one of my favorites!

    What a great post, I'm glad you were persuaded to put it back up. :)

    Oh and the new background is so pretty! I love it!

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    1. Kenzie that feeling of just 'being' is the greatest feeling in the world. I'm not going to lie, it doesn't always feel that way, but when it does, it is so fantastic. At least it doesn't always feel that way for me.

      Thanks for the sweet words!

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  12. Isn't it great to know that we can relax, and not have to have everything perfect, and that everyone will still have a wonderful time? This is one I have been learning myself. :) And yes, no matter who is against you, you have one person in your corner, and as you said, the most important person. He loves you, and it is great to see how you have grown in the past 15 months as you found your way in DD.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. I think one of the greatest things about Dd is the personal growth it allows, if people will allow it to. I know Barney and I often marvel at how different we both are now, and how THAT is what has made our marriage better.
      Thanks EsMay!
      willie

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  13. So meaningful and insightful Willie. You are so good about laying everything open for others to consider. Thank you for sharing so that others such as myself can get a grasp on where we want to go.

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    1. Hi Catherine

      Thank you for your kind words. I remember last year reading a post by Jacquie, ( she doesn't post much anymore :( ) and in it she talks about how she has changed. Hers was written much better. Anyway I was so envious. I hoped that some day I could feel what she wrote about. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that hope would become a reality.

      There are still 'bad' days, where insecurity rears its ugly head, but those are far, far, fewer now.

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  14. Hi Willie, I'm sorry I am so late (again!) - argh!

    I am so glad you put this post back up. This is so wonderful and I am so happy for you! It is so great that you can reflect and see the positive changes in yourself and how much you have grown in the last 15 months.

    Love what you said about only needing one person in your corner and at the same time are so happy for you that you have many :)

    love and Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Thanks Roz.
      I love the personal growth, to sound cheesy, that has happened since Dd. It feels like I weight has been lifted off of my shoulders many days. Not ALL the weight, but a great deal of it.
      I am blessed to truly have many in my corner that is for sure!
      love and hugs to you too!
      willie

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  15. Willie~

    Thank you for continually putting yourself out there and sharing with all of us. You have such wisdom, and I envy that, but I'm grateful that you share it :) In fact, I kind of feel like one of the blogging "kids" and you are a blogging "mom" who I read when I don't know what to do!

    Love,
    River

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    1. Okay I can't TELL you how much Lillie and Susie laughed at me when they read this. Well mostly Susie, ( she's kinda evil). The whole "kids' and 'mom' thing. I'm NOT THAT OLD!!! and I am certainly NOT someone to consider having ANY wisdom. LOL

      Seriously though, thank you River for saying such kind things. ( even if you are misguided by my writing...*wink*)
      love
      willie

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    2. Willie~
      I was eating pasta when I read this and I think I snorted a noodle from laughing! I totally didn't mean that you ARE old, just wise(er than me) :) I am in my 30's myself, but I am a kid at heart. You are just really good at saying what I am thinking, if that makes sense!

      Love,
      River

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