Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Where We Are ( oh no fear there is a food analogy in here)

You know I had this whole post planned out with pictures of who we are and who we aren't.  I thought it would be kind of cute.  Then I thought ' meh...ya know sometimes those things can go awry.  People who may find themselves in the 'we are not' side of the post might think I am criticizing when I was merely pointing out who we aren't".  So basically I have scrapped that idea.  LOL

 
 I do feel I should, in the interest ( or not..lol) of people who just started reading my blog, explain us a bit.  Or maybe explain to me a bit ? 



Since starting ttwd or Dd or this thing we do with Dd, not sure how everyone classifies it, Barney and I have made so many discoveries about ourselves.  Interestingly enough, at times I forget that we didn't always communicate this way.  I have been asked if our kids have noticed the change in us.  No and I will tell you one of the reasons why,  Barney and I have always been playful, and cheerful , and non confrontational and
 
Basically Dd did not stop screaming matches.  It has protected a few inanimate objects in our house perhaps.  The changes that were brought on were more subtle and I think they really haven't noticed a huge change because it was so gradual.  As I said, sometimes Barney and I have to remind each other how far we have come.  When that fails I have a few girlfriends who are VERY quick to tell me how far we have come!
 
 
The biggest change I have to write about within our Dd structure is this-
 
We went from this 1)
 
 
To this 2)
 
 
Bear with me while I explain.  For the first, gosh I don't know 9 months of ttwd/Dd if we had a disagreement, and it was always surrounding Dd, it felt like the top photo.  Not always, but often there was a concern that this thing we do was shattering.  That we maybe able to, with great difficulty glue things back together, but there are cracks that potentially will leak.  Leak out hot liquid and burn us again.
 
We now resemble the  second photo.  We have times where we have knocked over the coffee mug.  It falls to the ceramic floor and we watch in horror as it bounces.  Hot liquid spraying up on all the walls and appliances around us.  What a mess.  HOWEVER, the mug does not break.  We, frustrated with ourselves for not paying closer attention,  pick up the rag and start wiping things down.  It isn't fun, especially because we know it most likely could have been avoided.  Sometimes one will take the blame, but we both know in our hearts- sure you put the cup close to the edge, but I careless filled it!
 
 
While all of this is unnerving, the watching to cup fall, the liquid spray, the tiny burn, it isn't a tragedy.  We know ttwd / Dd is full of mistakes, hiccups, road blocks, speed bumps, stagnant mosquito breeding water ( oh wait, haven't used that one yet), but we have excepted it.  Life is like that.  Ttwd/Dd *IS* our life.  So when we have weeks like a few weeks ago,we aren't broken.  But we are looking at ways to prevent the cup from falling again. 
 
The simplest solution would be to push it back on the counter further.  Sometimes we just get in such a hurry that we think we have placed it in a safe zone.  Our mini talks have each of us double checking to see if the cup is secure enough to be filled without the risk of being knocked over.
 
 
I am not going to lie to you, there are times I feel like it has caught my sleeve and it has almost gone to the floor again, but surprisingly,  Barney has stopped me.  Whether it be just taking my hand in bed, while we read, or rubbing my back,he has pushed the cup back.  When he hasn't,  I have talked to him about feelings I have building.  These talks aren't natural or easy for me, but I certainly prefer them to mopping up sticky coffee!
 
Our r/a sessions have been far more successful the last 3 times.  Barn hasn't really had to 'bring me back', he's had to just keep me near.  Our last one was a bit more challenging due to external stresses again, but like a trouper he forged on!  LOL ...Much to my bum's dismay ( dear Lord don't let me get strip searched at the airport for so MANY reasons now).  My heart was with my husband but my head was full.  My head was trying to build walls that my heart did not want. 
 
The other day while talking I made the HUGE revelation, that we all eventually make as Dd wives.  I have declared it before, but own it now.  It is in me and can only come from me- SUBMISSION
 
  To me, submission is a heartset not a verb. 
 
 
 
 Many people write definitions from dictionaries to explain what it is or isn't to them.  To Barney and I submission is how I perceive my heart.  I give to him my everything.  No barriers.  No protective coating.  It is raw and I am vulnerable, but that is where the trust comes in.  Will you find my 'funky' definition of submission in any dictionary?  Nope...(but look for the Wille Dictionary, minus the words journey, and the acronym HOH as a noun coming soon.  LOL).   
 
 I explained to Barney that his physical contributions to Dd help me maintain where I am at, even if it isn't where I desire to be, ( meaning I am not fully in my heartset) but it can't drag me into my heartset.
 
Which leads to
 
 
 
  Only I have the key to open that.  Can we search for the key together?  Yes- we have to.  Otherwise I tend to get a tad resentful that I am going it alone.  He helps with maintaining his dominance and 'laying out my safety nets' as he likes to say, and he doesn't allow me to go off track and stop looking for my key. 
 
 
 He keeps me focused through spankings yes, but also through initiating conversations.
 
 
  This initiating conversations did not happen over night ladies...man oh man...ask anyone who knows us.  OY !  But it did happen.  And because of it, he manages to 'push the coffee mug back from the edge'  often with little effort.
 
I am not saying that next week we aren't going to have coffee all over the Dd kitchen again, but what I am saying is that I know together we will wipe it up.  Some days it may be a stand off as to who reaches for the rag first.  Some days there will no doubt be finger pointing either overtly or internally, until the mess is cleaned up.  The good news is,  we no longer worry about the irreplaceable mug being shattered.
 
 
So I'm not refusing to share when I am struggling, *cough* Sara/Irishey * cough*.  I just don't panic as much when we are struggling enough to write about it in the moment like I used to months ago....
 
GREAT now I am  fairly certain I  have just jinxed myself...!
 




48 comments:

  1. Willie,
    Your analogies are all bullseye right!
    Meredith

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  2. You always take such care in your posts...very nice post. Thanks for sharing. Hugs

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  3. Wonderful post. Thanks.

    Love,
    Ronnie
    xx

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  4. (Clapping with hands in the air and a giggle too... you mentioned me in your post and Irishey!) Anyway,
    I'm glad you aren't panicking when something goes askew. That is very good news! I do panic in the moment... and then change my mind about writing it. You know that. I hate that about me! It's nice to read that you and Barney have had some good r/a sessions too. I think this lack of spanking I have had over here is leading me to need to be ornery again. SM might have his hands full very soon. We'll see. *wink*

    love and hugs
    sara :) xoxoxoxo <3

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    1. Um, you are a complete NUT!

      So um really then, what you said about ME sharing is really about YOU not sharing? Hmmmm....what can you do about that Sara? Like maybe STOP deleting your posts? LOL.
      I was wondering about the lack of spanking thing- from you last post. It actually isn't always beneficial to have a funny or erotic spanking when we need a reset. At least it isn't as long lasting for me.

      love
      willie

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  5. This is a great explanation. You're giving yourselves a great foundation and I'm glad it's working so well. I love it: together we'll wipe it up and we don't worry about the mug being shattered. That's got to be great security but also just FUN to think about. You have good times ahead!

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    1. It is great security Leah, but it certainly didn't come with out tons of work, and sooooooooooooo many tears- not too mention many bad days. They are all just a memory now, but I will never forget the desperation we both felt to be secure in this thing we do. It was our driving force to keep moving forward regardless of how difficult, that got us to the place we are now.
      I know the future will not be all unicorns and rainbows. I have plenty of more experienced friends in this lifestyle to see that. For now we shall enjoy a little reprieve and look forward to what the future holds, knowing that we can get through because we have in the past.

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  6. I have decided that from now on I'm just going to tell you all my stories and you can put together analogies for me. :)

    I enjoyed this one, with the shattered shards vs mere sticky mess. I also appreciate that in watching you and Barney over time, it is not about finding your way "back" to somewhere, some coveted safe place, but confidently cleaning up the mess and moving on. Everyday life can't be full of drama all the time and I relate to how you've described this, including the submission piece. Well...I could say more but you know where I'm at and the muddle of my head. I'm wearing shoes just in case I step on a piece of broken glass. ;)

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    1. Gah, you have become such a slacker in your advancing years here as a blogger! Oh that's right, I went there!!!!

      OH good or bad I never want to go BACK anywhere. I am a different person today than I was yesterday. Looking back is never an option for us. Finding similar contentment, is however.

      AND please...you are wearing shoes for an entirely different reason! I know where you are. Spilled coffee, one doesn't see it, and the other doesn't want to clean it up. There is no shattered mug and you KNOW it..Get mopping sister!!!

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  7. This was a great analogy. I think we're definitely in the shards of broken mug phase at this point. I see what you mean about picking up the pieces and moving forward. I do believe that someday we'll just be wiping up the coffee instead of picking up the shards!

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    1. I believe it too Rose. Since starting, our coffee mug would fall, more often than not it would shatter, then bit by bit, it would only spill. After a while the times of it getting knocked over seemed to widen. It sucks, I'm not going to lie, but each time we tried to come up with a reason WHY it happened. Often it would happen again the exact same way. I guess you can't move forward until that issue is resolved, and we learned that the hard way. But it can be done :) Just learn from the past but keep moving forward. Meh, somedays not sliding back is the same as moving forward! lol

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  8. Oh I do so love your analogies about your JOURNEY through DD walking alongside your HO Willie! Keep them coming, they are always spot on.

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    1. Is it so wrong of me to hope you didn't do your exercises this week after your comment here?

      LOL
      thanks Janey

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    2. Yes it would indeed be very wrong of you, but yet again spot on!
      I have just exercised tonight though, with a burning behind!
      I do honestly enjoy your analogies though, they do make sense to me and help me to understand myself too.

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    3. Ouch! Barney 'overlooked' it last week or forgot and this week perhaps too. Although I shouldn't count this week's chickens until they hatch.

      I am truly happy that you like the analogies Janey because I don't know how to express myself very well without them. Oh yeah, fun times in Bedrock..lol

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  9. Yay! This is such a fantastic post because I can see all the progress you both have made. There is a certain amount of security and relief knowing that cup won't be shattered. I love your personal definition of your submission, It;s the only one I can really relate to, open and honest and vulnerable is my definition of submission too. Opening my heart and letting him in is how I show my personal submission. So glad that panic is gone, and you didn't jinx yourself :)

    Hugs!!

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    1. Hey Jennelle!

      I love the security of knowing the cup won't shatter...or at least having the odds in our favour anyway. It makes one less thing to worry about.
      I'm glad you can relate to the submission part. For us, that has been the goal- my softening. Rules and discipline are in place to keep our structure, but the ultimate goal is no walls. Why it works like that I haven't a clue, but it does, so we're just going with it!

      Love
      willie

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  10. Well, I'm looking forward to the Willie Dictionary! As usual, I love your analogies and how much thought you put into your posts. Very interesting what you had to say about submission. I had to stop and think about it for a while. I agree that true submission can't be forced and can only come from within. I also know that I'm not there yet. At least not all the way. It's fantastic that Barney will initiate a ttwd/dd related conversation. It's rare here that my husband will do that, but when it happens, it makes me feel like I'm not trying to do this alone, ya know? I'm happy that things are going so well for you two. Thanks for sharing your ADVENTURE with us. It really is very helpful!

    Hugs and love, Queenie

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    1. Well there is no real surprise that submission comes within right? Just my version of it might be different than others. But then again most likely not. LOL. I have to be honest Queenie, I'm not there yet either. I have moments of it, and I love it...or rather I should say degrees of it, but only moments of pure vulnerability. I strive to get there again- most days. Some days I'm like...'yeah, I don't think so'.LOL
      Barney reminds me about himself that he has 20 years of us together one way so give him time- the same can be said about me I suppose. As for the conversations, they aren't always Dd related. He just asks me what is going on with me; how I am feeling; and we progress from there. It took a long time for him to get comfortable to ask those things. Bit by bit Queenie, right?

      love
      willie

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  11. Oh my gosh! The coffee cup analogy describes you and Barney perfectly! I believe the two of you could put the odd broken mug back together in a snap now days. Yes, life happens and we will all have some broken mugs from time to time. Even back when you guys were struggling with consistency, y'all were way ahead in communication. It all eventually meshes I guess. (I'm still waiting on the communication part) lol.

    I'm thinking Brice and I are either espresso in the cup on the counter, or cold coffee milk on the floor. One extreme to the other.....totally on, or.....hmmm.....stagnant mosquito breeding water,,,Yes, I think that's us at times! LOL

    Oh and I completely agree with your definition of submission, for me anyway. :)

    Love ya
    Betsy;)

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    1. Hey Lady!

      Yeah, I guess it all does mess...ooops mesh together, eventually if you let it. You will get there on the communication as soon as *YOU* start talking...ahem.

      Pfft you and Brice are wine glasses clearly...speaking of which we need more video chats and wine and we'll get that communication train rolling again. You just might not like it....again! LOL

      Love ya bunches!
      willie

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  12. Wonderful post, Willie. Kane and I spill coffee every so often, too, but like you and Barney, the mug is not shattering like it did in the early days. That is so comforting :)

    Love,
    Sadie

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    1. Oh thanks Sadie Lady.

      Yeah, the comfort of knowing the entire Dd world is not going to come crashing down around us because of a slip up is HUGE. Those early days of this were so brutal for that. The uncertainty of it all. We often don't know HOW we are going to resolve a problem or how long it will take, but we do know it will happen and our little Dd world is staying alive and strong.
      It is a huge benefit to no longer have at least one worry.
      love
      willie

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  13. Yet another wonderful and perfectly timed posting. What spoke to me the most was the fact that submission has to come from within our hearts. One can read and talk about this as much as you want but until you choose to give fro your heart there will be ongoing struggles. I always enjoybyour analogies and refreshing perspectives to the challenges you both face. I do see a bit of myself in you Willie and can only hope I will be able to open up and communicate no matter what the cost. Thanks for sharing such great words of wisdom.

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    1. Thanks Catherine

      I didn't mean that for everyone it has to come from within their hearts ( although I don't know how it couldn't because for me it does so I have a tendency to be a little one track minded at times in my thinking) I do see in myself that there are varying degrees of giving from your heart. I know for myself I still have a ways to goes, deeper. I still feel I have more to give and to open up, I'm just not entirely sure how to 'get there' yet.

      Catherine, not that you have the luxury of spare time, but if you are ever trapped in an elevator with wifi for hours, go back a year in my blog and read how difficult ttwd was for us back then. I often wondered if it was ever going to be possible to communicate with my husband as I do now. I longed for him to hunt me down when I was overtly distant, now he does it before I acknowledge something is wrong myself at times.
      Basically, where there is a will there is a way. Some days there isn't a will, and that is okay too, tomorrow it may be back. You might just need to catch your breath. I know I do, still.

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  14. Have you ever felt as though something you tried to explain was completely misconstrued? Nah, that couldn't happen to you, could it? Me, either. I also try never to spill my coffee, but it happens. I do frequently spew it at the screen. Ahem. ;-) Like you, around here we just clean it up, make a fresh pot and enjoy it together.

    Do you think it helps to use very small font when publishing the word "jinx" in a post? I don't believe in jinx, although I am considerate of The One who does, because that's how he rolls and I roll with him.

    Seriously, D and I sound similar to you and Barney with respect to it not always being perfect because we hit a bump here and there, but we are solid and know we have this. Working out the details may not always be perfectly pretty, but we try never to get far from one another. We also have external forces that cause hardships and wreak emotional havoc. That takes patience and reserve to muddle through. He and I both lived in cold, dark, silent wastelands for a very long time. The demons who lived there with us continue to try to harm us, but we battle them together as much as possible. We are so grateful we don't have that soul-sucking void in our relationship. Our warmth is important to us, so we work together to maintain - errrr - not neglect it. ;-) The most important thing to me, that we ensure we work out, is being Together, attuned enough to read the same words on the page and similarly interpret their meaning.

    So, whether you are spilling coffee, sweeping up broken shards of mug, or sipping a fresh cuppa on the ledge or up the mountain trail with Barney at your side, I'm happy for you because I believe each of you have the person you need and want, and you both are making the extra effort to be more to each other, wrest every bit from your relationship, and enjoy it together - down to the last drop.

    Big hugs!

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    1. Hello there my Irish Lass

      Yes we both have talked at lengths I believe of the similarities within our households, more about the desires we have and have achieved with our partners. It isn't always easy, and timing is certainly a bigger factor than I could ever wrap my head around to write about. I think for us timing has been one of the many reasons our mug shattered to the floor in the past. It still can be a 'spilling' point too. At least we are now both aware of it, albeit after the fact, and can readily discuss that it was poor timing, and move on to the real issue at hand.

      You know every year we go to a party that has people there we used to work with, and inevitably they will tell some one 'new' there, " We knew Barney and Wilma belonged together right from the start. When they finally started dating we were like, FINALLY!" I swear to you I am not making that up it has happened every year we have gone to this party. I, like you, always knew we were made for each other, as hokey as that sounds. Even though we were taken away from each other do to circumstances, we did drift a part for a bit. I'm happy to report we feel much like we belong together again!

      hugs back
      willie

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    2. ***ack ...that should read 'even though we WEREN'T taken away.....weren't!

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  15. Hi Willie,

    I shall wait with great anticipation for the Willie dictionary ... minus the word JOURNEY and accronym HoH! LoL.

    I enjoyed reading this and love the shattered cup v sticky mess analogy. Wonderful explanation! You and Barney have now built a solid foundation and it's great to see the cup is no longer shattering and that you no longer panic when you do struggle. You HAVE come a long way together.

    You are so right too ... submission is a heartset. It has to come from within.

    Love and hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hey Roz...
      Thanks, and thanks for always being here for our ADVENTURE

      I guess what I really meant by heartset was that it is how I FEEL when I am submissive. That is my definition. Submission to me is a feeling not an action. When I have my submissive 'on' I may not be running around like June Clever, but my heart is open and I am able to be near Barney with no defenses .

      love always
      w

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  16. Hi Willie, great post, glad that you are not breaking so many cups now. It is good that the panic is not there so often either. What ever will be will be I suppose, we can all only plod on trying our best to get that submissiveness in to our hearts.
    love Jan.xx

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    1. Thanks Jan,
      I suppose you are right. I do love that submissive heartset. That is selfishly my driving force.
      love willie

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  17. "Stagnant mosquito breeding water" - I must remember that. I think that is unequivocally the best quote you have ever said!

    What "sweet coffee"? You don't put sugar in it? - BLEH!!! Seriously, it is good you can now detect the tremors before the earthquake happens, acknowledge them, and realise that Barney is there ready to catch the cup, or at least have a damn good go at it.

    Sorry to hear your bum's in a state. Rather you than me, Hon. Brings back many a fond memory though, and now I have been complacent again I shall have to remember that from tonight we will be just the two of us, and there won't be anyone around to hear me scream...... LOL!

    Grrrrr...you and submission! LOL! Lie back and think of Canada!

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. LOL...yes I am sure I am the most text book submissive person you have ever met....snort<- to steal that from Lillie

      Ami I am the non coffee , coffee drinker, sugar AND flavoured cream!

      As for the mosquito water...you know I do believe you are correct. That really does describe complacency in this thing we do and the results that it can breed. Itchy palms! lol

      I'll have you know, my bum is STILL in a state. Sigh if this is r/a I'd hate to experience a serious punishment spanking again!
      Hugs to you too!
      willie

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  18. You are growing so much, both of you. I can see many changes from the things you shared even a year ago until now. You guys should be proud. :) And even if you are wiping down the kitchen next week, or in weeks to come, you'll keep finding safer places. And you are right, submission is a heart set that can only come from within.

    {{{hugs}}} EsMay

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    1. Thanks!

      I'm not sure about proud, but our marriage is much better in some ways than we could have ever imagined.
      I love when I am in my the heartset I choose. I truly believe it is a place I get to not actions I do. I think the actions help me soften and remember my partner, but the ultimate goal for me is to feel open and unguarded. That is what this thing we do does for me- not really the definition of submission, but that is what it stands for for me.

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  19. Hi Wilma,

    Alex and I read this post together last night.. We ended up making coffee and snuggling. Your posts tend to lead me to eating sweets or drinking coffee.. HA! :0)

    So we have noticed that you wrote several variations of the name for this dynamic.. (DD/TTWD) We have been asked if we practice DD or CDD and we had to answer honestly we don't know the difference. Is there a if you do this it is DD or this it is CDD or if none of those fit it is TTWD written down someplace in this vast blogging community that we can read? I was just happy to see it had a name, but now that there are different variations we want to be in the know. :0)

    We were both really happy to see that you kept saying "we" when talking about the clean up process or watching the coffee fall and spill. It is so easy for me and Alex even admitted he does it too.. Instead of a "we" moment it is the finger pointing in the opposite direction or the well "I" did this and you didn't thing. Ick. Makes everything worse and messier.

    Loved your post! :0)

    Hugs,
    Irish Lucky & Alex (who is now looking over my shoulder to see what I am typing.. HA!)

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    1. OY! You want me to 'speak' for everyone on this? LOL...Sigh okay here goes nothing :

      When I started blogging ttwd ( this thing we do ) was basically all encompassing. The WE meaning the two people in the relationship. Could be you practice Domestic Discipline, or Christian Domestic Discipline, or you are people that strictly keep it in the bedroom. TTWD was everyone. As time went on, and I am NOT saying this is an overall accurate description, it appeared that bloggers started to classify. TTWD seemed to show up more as a 'group' of people and Dd another. Heck if I know...So sometimes I put ttwd/Dd so people know we live a somewhat D/s relationship outside of the bedroom. Actually very rarely do we live it INSIDE of the bedroom...LOL..*cough* TMI? * cough* . I still think Dd is ttwd. With the emphasis being on WE- and that we are all different in our methods and 'tastes' but the common thread....SPANKING..LOL. of course you can have Dd without spanking- but honestly where is the fun in that.?...snicker. Then there is CDD, which to *me* (and I am NO authority on this) means you live this life because of your religious beliefs. Barney and I are both Christians but religion has NOTHING to do with our Dd lifestyle.

      So how is THAT for confusing? Confusing people just another ttwd over here! LOL

      As for the 'we' vs 'me' or 'you' ...well that is a signal I'm in a good place! I know I am starting to slide when I start taking ownership of things like my kids, or my house when I am talking to people as opposed to 'our' . Silly but it is true. Basically I guess I am saying, you 'caught' me on a good day * wink*

      Hugs Irish and well Alex too, if he comes back to read this ramble!

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  20. Wonderful post, and the picture of the coffee gave me a craving! The comparison of shattered vs spilled is a really good one, too. You always come up with the best analogies :) I especially loved this part "He keeps me focused through spankings yes, but also through initiating conversations" because Ash initiates conversation all the time, and I could avoid many spankings if I learn to follow his lead a bit better. I also agree with your sentiments on submission. It is a mindset/heartset for me as well. Here's to a full cup, resting squarely in the middle of the counter <3

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    1. What I am gathering here...Dd women are a bunch of caffine-o-holics! Who knew? lol

      Well River Barney has started in the past few months initiating conversations, and a few times he hasn't waited for me to answer. Some days it takes me a while to let the words come out. They are in there, but I just have a difficult time releasing them. I'm not going to lie, on occasion it has almost gotten me in hot water. Now he is much better at waiting me out. Knowing that I am not being stubborn, but trying.

      love
      willie

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  21. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - your analogies are always SPOT on! I love them! What a sweet post. Love your honesty.

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  22. I love the idea of the Willie dictionary. What a great resource!

    You are the queen of the analogy and explain things like no one else. It's a gift girl.

    Love this post and how you are working together and finding your way. So nice.

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  23. May you have an endless supply of coffee mugs and coffee! I think it is really important to be in it together, whether is it conversations or mopping up or spanking. Sounds like that is happening more and more and I truly hope the plural nouns continue in your posts!

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  24. It's so cool to read more about you WIllie! :)

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