Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Pain + Retreat= Access Denied

Pain.  I have read quite a bit about it in the couple of years in this community.  Not the pain that comes from a spanking. No, not even emotional pain.  Generally I have read about how pain affects our HOH'S  husband's ability to carry through when they are in pain.  Or their reluctance if we are in pain.  I have had to endure the latter problem before, mostly due to blistered skin.  Meh, what can I say, once it happens once, it appears you become more prone to it, despite the precautions you take.

The kind of pain I am about to talk about is physical pain, not caused from spankings and how it is putting a damper on our dynamic at the moment.  Before I begin I want to state that by no means is this pain something to be concerned for me over.  There are far more people living much more painful lives than I .  If taken care of this pain should eventually go away.  It is temporarily chronic if you will.  Let me state for the record, if it doesn't go away, and this is all life has to throw at me, I'd still consider myself a very lucky woman.

 But I am tired.  Tired of having to watch what I do because 2 minutes later I will be in pain.  I am tired of going to therapy appointments and having to 'sleep it off ' for the DAY .  That seems to be my 'go to' to deal with pain.   Heck I have almost fallen asleep during a spanking more times than I can count.

  I am tired and I am frustrated.  I am frustrated that every little thing I seem to NEED to get done requires the use of my body that is in pain.

I am frustrated that although my family is more than willing to help out, and my husband makes great declarations of me not doing things, things STILL NEED TO GET DONE.  And they aren't. So I do them- as it is my job to.

 But mostly I am frustrated and tired of not feeling myself.

Slowly over time, the past 4 months or so, this pain has changed me.  It has made me retreat.  I knew I was doing it from here, because I had to.  I am not supposed to be sitting at a computer for more than 30 minutes.  I hadn't realized until this past weekend that I was retreating from my family and my husband.  Which also means my submissive heartset.  I am still managing to continue my submissive actions for the most part ( hush Barney...) but my desire for closeness isn't as great as my desire for closed off.

 Barney and I are fine.  We live .  We laugh.  He has gotten over the Wounded Wife Syndrome that initially plagued him just over a month ago. He is trying to maintain order in this house, even if I am supposedly on restricted duties.  In fact I have probably been spanked more for disrespect in the past 2 months than in the first year and a half of our relationship in Dd.  Relax..that is a grand total of 3 times...LOL.  But that is huge for him.  Actually maybe it was only 2.   Two definitely with our new 30 inch lexan cane.

But I digress.  Pain is a strange thing if you think of it.  How it changes our lives.  Naturally there is the physical component. I never really gave much thought as to how physical pain could cause distance.  Of course if you are in any relationship, and I hesitate to say especially ttwd, emotional pain can cause distance of epic proportions!  But physical pain?  I have been fortunate enough to only have short doses of it-migraines, minor illnesses, blistered bottoms.  All of which seem to rectify themselves before retreat has happened. So this is new to me.

I generally am not a sharer.  I like to deal with things on my own.  Pain is no different.  Barney is aware of this and has been watching me like a hawk.  He has identified my 'tells' and for the most part has bossed me around when he sees them.  I have even learned to say, when he asks, the truth as opposed to, " it is what it is".  I thought this was making leaps and bounds for me in the not going it alone department, until the other night.

Once again the boys were watching something in the family room with whistles on tv.  I was reading 2 floors up.  My little voice said, ' I should go down there.  I can read anywhere'.  My other voice, " screw it, it is much more comfortable up here and I hate whistles'.  Later in bed or maybe the next day, it hit are going backwards Willie.  You have closed yourself off because of your pain, frustration and general tiredness of feeling this way.

  During these times, Barney comes up and checks on me, and while my part of the conversation is always polite is isn't as animated as I normally am.  I think about starting a conversation about something and then think...'meh'.

Our r/a sessions have been 'interesting'.  At first Barney was worried about the pain, not the one HE was causing.  That lead to ineffective r/a sessions.  Now I have learned to try not to tense up my body during a spanking ( something I still have no control over during an orgasm so yeah- not too much fun there), and the pain elsewhere in my body isn't as great now.  I thought that maybe this is why our sessions weren't as effective.  I then thought because we were back to once a week that perhaps that is it?  Then I discovered that I was retreating into me and it all became clearer.

I am the primary communicator in our relationship.  That does not mean Barney doesn't initiate conversations.  Unfortunately initiating a conversation with a wall isn't generally fruitful.  He then becomes frustrated.  I have not been expressing to him what is working and what is not with us and our dynamic, because I have no desire in me.  It is like I have flat lined.  I am going through the motions, but somewhere along the line my retreating because of my pain has put up a wall when I wasn't looking.

 By me not expressing my concerns and desires ( as I can't seem to figure out what they are) he is blind in someways.  I trust him to lead, and he is doing that, but to reach me is another thing all together.

Meh, it is what is is....all in good time and all that stuff.

In Other News, 

40 Days of Fitness Challenge

I did it!  And only one more week left for me!!!! Barney and I even managed to walk over 10 kms together this weekend.  Thank God the weather is warmer.

DownUnder Dom


I had another good week. Better than good, really. I'm up to 4 or 5 days of workouts instead of just 3 and I workout for about 45 minutes instead of 30. Also, I haven't had any problems with wanting to eat junk. I think I've lost my taste for it :) 


  1. I'm sorry you're in pain Willie. I have also been pretty fortunate in my life to not have had to experience it too often, or for too long. I know when I am hurting though, either physical or emotional, I tend to retreat from everyone. So, I understand that feeling of just wanting to be left alone until feeling better. The problem is, as you discovered, it does build a wall around yourself. Those can be so hard to tear down even when you're feeling better. I know you don't want to Willie, but force yourself to at least be in the same room as your family and especially Barney. Force yourself to talk to him, to let him in. It will help, and it will get easier if you begin to tear down that wall right now!

    Hang in there with the therapy. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, and I know it's easy for me to sit here and say that to you! If you're anything like me (and I think you are), seeing undone chores can drive you to distraction, but have you tried just NOT doing them and giving your family plenty of time/opportunity to get them done? If they see that you will do them if they put it off for a while, well.. you see where I'm going here. Force them to step up and follow through on what they say. Also, would it be possible to hire some help temporarily?

    I wish there was some way I could help you out Willie. I hate to see anyone in pain, especially a friend. I'll be sending healing thoughts your way.

    You've made your goals every week!! Way to go Willie :)

    Love, Queenie


  2. So sorry you have to manage what sounds like intense and widespread pain. I know that when my back starts acting up, it really puts a damper on the "mood" when I can hardly lay myself over my husband's lap. I really hope that your pain goes away soon!

  3. I'm sorry you are still in so much pain. It is so frustrating not being able to 'run with things' like we used to. You will get better in time. However it is never when we want it to be.
    I hope you can find a way to sit still and let the family help.
    As to Barney... You guys will work it out.

  4. Awww Willie...sorry you are in so much pain. I do understand the chronic pain and stress of going to therapy. Hang in there...I'm sure everything will work out soon.

    Sending lots of prayers and healing energy your way.

    Hugs and Blessings...
    Cat actually showed up on my Reading List!

  5. I"m so sorry. Pain can really change your life. As a Feldenkrais practitioner, I see clients whose entire personalities are diminished by it. I hope you move out of yours quickly!

  6. You know my views of your condition and how to tackle it, so I am not going to nag you any more, but I do have a few other little observations, mainly due to my great age and (smirk) consideration for you Willie. LOL!

    With the distancing thing, you have been susceptible to it from the beginning. You know what to look for and have identified all the symptoms above. If you were talking about me, I would understand it perfectly because being an only child I have always enjoyed, and needed, my own space. Even at my great age I take myself off for an hour here and there, and read or sew, well away from all forms of life, especially Dan. I enjoy time without interruption and noise. Time to relax and to think. Time to not have to bother to think. Time just to be. It seems to me that you need and deserve the same - so stop feeling guilty and thinking of it as distancing. Come to terms with it. Call it 'me' time if you will. It is very good not to be on top of each other all the time - we appreciate each other much more if we have space.

    The other thing is this blistering you talk about. Willie, it's really unattractive to have a blistered butt. I know because I sometimes got blistered sit spots, and the bit that gets hot inside your thighs, when I rode horses every day. Especially in summer. The tight jodhpurs and sweat caused them, I think. Is it really necessary to go to such lengths and are you not able to use something less detrimental to you bottom? Dan was saying the other day that since being spanked my butt cheeks seem to have tightened and lifted a little and the skin has gone all smooth and soft. He is always stroking them in bed - it has become a thing with him. Dancers used to put surgical spirit on their feet to harden the skin and prevent blistering, but would you want to go that far? Think of your lower cheeks as beautiful flowers that have to be tended. Take care of them and they will give you a lifetime of pleasure. And give Barney pleasure too. LOL!

    Have you considered going for a weekly back, shoulder and neck massage to help relieve the tension and take away you focus on the pain in your arm? It is the only other thing I can suggest. It works for me. I can't promise it will do anything for you, but so long as the person who does it is gentle and soothing, you will probably enjoy it. And it will be some more 'me' time for you.

    Finally, I am getting better at not putting up walls with Dan, at long last, but sadly the only way he can blast through those walls if by spanking me, and with your various indispositions, I can only sympathise with you.

    I do hope the pain soon starts to lessen and life becomes easier.

    Many hugs

  7. I'm sorry sweetie. I know it has taken a toll on you but the therapy IS going to eventually work, right?! I mean, it will fix it, yes?! That's what I'm worried about because I personally understand chronic pain and what it can do to a family dynamic much less the marital dynamic. You gotta hang in there. You also need to talk to the orthopedist (?) and ask WHEN THE H*LL will this be over?! I need answers! :) if I lived closer I'd hug you but not too hard for fear it might cause pain. Only a small hug. :) take card of yourself and stay sassy. This closed off nonsense does not become you. I miss the other you. <3 I wish you felt better.

  8. I'm so sorry Willie, I hope you feel better soon. I know I can be very distant when I'm in pain, I would much prefer to hide away from everyone until I feel better. I'm glad Barney is still leading, and I hope everything falls back into place soon....I know it will. Feel better!!


  9. Hi Wilma,

    So sorry you are dealing with pain issues. :0( I am not a good hurt person either, if I am in pain or told that I am limited in anyway... Well I don't adjust well. :0) When I started having back issues almost a year ago now and was told no more kick boxing, no more lifting water jugs, no more running... Well those are all things that I used as stress relievers. Plus they did great things for my butt and thighs... Sigh. Middle age sucks big time as far as body goes, watching things change in the mirror or activities become harder that were once so easy. Ugh. I know that when I was given long lists of don't even think about it woman from Alex, well lets just say it took some time to resolve myself to following most of them. :0) Pain does make you tired and blah feeling, totally get that. :0(

    I hope you are feeling better soon and super happy that Barney is still charging on leading the way. Good on him and good on you for even getting closer to being "in it" together and sharing some of your frustration with him. Lots of happy energy and prayers for you to feel better!

    Irish Lucky

  10. Ah, Willie. My heart goes out to you. I know you said your tendency is to retreat within yourself and process things alone, but I'm here if you'd like to talk.

    Much love,

  11. Quit exercising and the pain will go away. Lol
    Maybe those crazy positions you get into during sex is what doesn't help the pain.
    Or maybe, naw I won't say it....
    I am really feeling bad now. you mentioned your pain and then never really talked about it again and I forgot to ask and check up on you. I am sorry.
    Come out of your cave, pull your head out of the sand, and open the windows and sing a song. Then we will work on that pain thing. Don't be a martyr. You have to be a mother in law before you get to be a martyr. Lol
    I will talk to you soon. <3

  12. Hello my friend. I think I finally remembered how to comment on a blog. Unfortunately, I can't say much more than I completely understand where you are coming from. I hate the pain that is just enough pain to be annoying as all get out. I hope that you are able to pull yourself back soon. Even with this you still sound so positive and confident that things will be okay. That's pretty awesome all on it's on. I don't have any great advice, but I'm pulling for you and here if you need me.


    PS Bucko says hi and he's sorry his el presidente is hurting. :)

  13. I hope your healing progresses faster than expected! Pain can definitely bring a barrier between loved ones, but it can help to touch each other more often in ways that don't hurt. There was an entire year where absolutely nothing could touch the left side of my body, not even a feather, or it would cause intense pain. Sometimes you have tobe creative, but more physical closeness tends to help open the door to emotional closeness :-)

  14. Willie, I'm so sorry. Pain is awful and creeps into all aspects of your life. I wish I were close enough to bring you dinner and help with your housework.

    Recognizing the retreating is huge. That's so sweet that Barney checked up on you when you were by yourself. Hang in there because this WILL get better. Amazing that you're still plowing through your exercise challenge in the midst of all this.

  15. I am so sorry you are in pain Willie, you are such a wonderful friend and I hate seeing ftiends in pain and wish there was something I could do to help. I understand the therapy being frustrating but hang in there.

    Pain does have a habit of making us retreat into ourselves and build walls. Hard as it is, try to take small steps to let your family in, especially Barney, and to let them help.

    Love and hugs

  16. Look after yourself Willie and allow your famy to do the same.
    However, I fight against illness, drag myself into work etc and them when I finally do give in I often stay off work a bit longer loving that time to myself, in bed or in front of the telly on the day, no expectations upon me, and it becomes a comfortable place. A place I don't want to share with H or the boys. I've even resented H calling home in the day to check on his dick wife, because it's invading my space. And eventually I enjoy being on my own there.
    H does this too. He has spent a great deal of time in hospital over the years and more time at home recuperating! He retreats and cuts me off. It's horrible. Sometimes I have to tell him to come out and join the family again, enjoy what he can.
    I've been there on both sides and I know that it's hard in both places.
    Hope you are feeling better soon. X

    1. Wish there was an edit button here- sick wife, not dick wife, obviously!

    2. oh but you made me giggle this morning Janey!

    3. I read that and thought it must be a British term. I'm glad it's not.

  17. I'm sorry you're in pain and send you good wishes to speed along the healing powers of therapy and rest. I truly wish it were that easy. Unfortunately it takes time and it's difficult to be patient.

    Thank you for fitness challenge. I'm embarrassed to report that I failed. I did drink more water and less pop, but only exercised once for 15-20 minutes. I will try to do better quietly on my own and now that the frigid weather is gone we might actually go for walks again.

    Take care,

  18. Late. Meh.

    You know, when the door is left wide open, you only need holler through the opening or knock on the frame before you come in and chat a spell. @..@

    I don't want to talk about pain. That makes me think about it, and I'd much rather not. Let's talk about something else.

    I like your jokes - have any new ones?

    I really want a puppy or kitten...or maybe some fish. It's been too long since we've had pets.

    I'm going to go see my family this weekend, and get my Easter Peeps from my mom, and bring back a 3yo grandchild to stay several weeks... Pray for us. ;-)

    Why do you have to live so far away? There are houses much closer to mine, and jobs. We could whine and wine together. ;-)

    Hugs, sweetie. (Psst - I like alone time, too. Sometimes, the tv on all evening completely overwhelms me, or underwhelms me. Blah. Yes, sometimes it is distancing when I go off on my own. So? I don't WANT to watch hours of reality tv, news and sports every single evening. He knows this. He can come get me, but why come get me to watch more mind-rotting nonsense? That is rude. Lol! Let's DO something! ;-) )

    Okay, I commented. Now you can finally use your 30 minutes to reply to comments on this post. Rotf! More hugs!

  19. Hi Willie, :) Very late here as I pop on when I can, and sometimes miss things as my phone feed skips a lot of blogs for some reason. I am hoping by this time you are feeling much better. Pain is not a fun thing. I think that it is good to try to make yourself get out there with your family. I also think that some down time, just for you at times is really pretty healthy. It is about finding a balance. Sharing those feelings with Barney is a really good thing. Letting him spoil you a bit sounds pretty nice too! :)

    I am thinking that here in the States there are pain clinics and pain specialists that can really help people to manage chronic pain- or pain that will be around for a while. They can be holistic in their approach as well. Do you have that kind of resource available to you there? Just a thought if you need a different perspective going forward. Mostly just call your doc- make sure that they understand where you are on the pain spectrum. They are there to help. Also for them, no question should be too small. Hope that you feel much better soon.

    LOL and Janey's typo made me giggle as well. Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

  20. I am so sad to hear that you're in pain. I can only imagine how much it can take over your life and take away your desire for simple pleasures and conversations. I am hoping for some healing to come your way. *hugs*