Wednesday, April 2, 2014

The Good Type of Grey (Hells no not the book!)

You know those Memes out there that are, "This is what the world thinks a Mom/Teacher/Airline Stewardess does...and this is what I really do?"   Basically they mock how the world views things, how we view ourselves and of course how things REALLY are! It had me thinking....

 A friend and I were talking about ttwd, and this community because she recently introduced someone to it.  I was trying to figure out a way to explain 'here' to her.  Not an easy task, and probably one I am about to fail miserably at, but what the heck, winter NEVER seems to be leaving, and as I can't garden I thought why not?



Please don't lynch me, but the first thing that came to mind was shades of grey.  NO, no not 50 Shades of Grey the book, although from what I have read, it has brought many people to this community.  I mean the colour pallet of grey and all its variants.  I tried desperately to think of another colour that worked so I would stay clear away from the 50 shades thing, but alas none work as well.

It has been my experience, that many who do not understand find things very black and white.  Sadly not just when discussing ttwd, but everywhere in the world- for our purpose I'll stick to ttwd.  This is why grey seems to work best.  Grey encompasses both ends of the spectrum.  For my analogy this is very important.  You see it has been my observation that this entire section of blog land can certainly be displayed in grey scale if you will:



There are some that lean more toward the white, there are those who are in the very intense dark grey, or almost black.  But more interestingly enough there are days when many of us can jump from dark grey to white in a blink of an eye and back again.

I would suppose a better example/analogy of this would be if you think of a room in your house you have painted a certain colour.  Some days depending on the time of day, natural light, ambient lighting the colour on the walls change.  Just like our ttwd relationships.  Some days life and all of its challenges shines a bright light in the room and our grey scale is very light almost vanilla.  There is no time for focusing on our needs and desires.  Some times after ignoring those needs/desires/ or even guidelines our partner comes in and closes the blinds and the colour of grey deepens significantly.  Or you are going along quiet comfortably in your lovely dove grey room, when a road block hits, BRIGHT WHITE it is...The base colour was always there but its appearance can change depending on the surroundings.  As can the desire for the depth of colour.

Right, so back to explaining our community in grey scale.  I chose the circular pallet because to me it gave more of a sense of oneness ( even with the darn split in the middle...that was NOT intentional).  While we move around in our little grey scale at our own homes, other live their lives in a grey scale too.  We know people who have rules, and who don't; who write; who consider themselves light.  Those who are struggling with the dreaded S word.  Those who's husbands appear to be struggling.  We know those who call themselves Dd and all the shades that come with that.  Those who bring in BDSM. Those who desire a life yet haven't found it yet.  Those submit with no discipline.  Those who spank for fun only.  Those who spank for whatever.  And I am sure I have missed so, so many other shades.  But the one thing is the same, we are all within the spectrum.

Of course grey does tend to make us think of doom and gloom and living ttwd is anything but for me and those I know.

I suppose what I am trying to get at,new friend, is that you may think you are very, very light grey...or white, but you never know what the future will hold for you and your spouse.  It could take months or even years to get to a shade of grey you have envisioned in your mind.  You could end up discovering the colour you wanted isn't suited to your interior.  But it doesn't matter because we have every shade going here, and that is what makes life interesting! If you are willing to try, we are willing to help you accessories.


40 Days of Fitness Challenge 


Well another successful week of exercise and water.  Iffy on the food thing, but I think I squeaked by.  Still using the weighted hula hoop, with the exception of one day where I was p*ssed off at my husband and went out for an extended walk in the rain!  I am now 24 days in, and for the record still NOT addicted to this exercise thing.  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing there is an end date, and that I want to be successful each week, and at the end of these 40 days...



DownUnder Don

Only a few sessions on the weight machine, but 4 long walks along the beach and a full day kayak trip in the local National Park wetlands.

Queenie:



 I had another good week!!  Yay!
Look out world Queenie is in the groove!

40 comments:

  1. Oooh, I love the sticker you found for me, Willie! I knew I was in good hands :) Congrats to you for keeping up the good work! I'm not sure about the walking in the rain part, but I bet it cooled you off in a hurry. At least it wasn't SNOW. Really, you won't know if you're addicted or not until you stop doing it. Maybe you're addicted and just haven't discovered it yet! LOL!

    As usual, you find the best analogies and make things so easy to grasp. I could almost think that you wrote this for me, but I don't want to have such an ego :) I know you reach out to so many here in blogland and I'm sure new people contact you all the time. But....this post did have a lot of meaning for me personally. I have OFTEN felt that others have it all figured out and everything is just falling into place for them, just the way they wanted them to. Reading some posts are downright painful. I can't help but compare myself and my husband to them. Then, I feel guilty for doing so. I know it's not fair to my husband or myself. I know in my head that we are all different and we will all do things differently. It's hard to really 'get' that those posts are just what happened on this one occasion, and they don't really reflect the work or time it took to get to that moment. Also, it's just what the blogger chose to share. I've struggled with the 'not belonging here' thing too. If it weren't for the friendliness of bloggers like you- I wouldn't be here. The support and acceptance to found here is like nowhere else, and I encourage anyone, no matter what shade of gray, to reach out and experience it for themselves. Like I've come to believe, all you need to fit in is a desire to improve your relationship with your partner....and an open mind.

    Hugs and love, Queenie

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    1. I'm glad you like the sticker I found for you Queenie ! As for the rain walk, I was out in a pair of rubber boots one size too big for me as well. It was my anger that fueled me on. I came home and made a stiff drink and had a bath. Still pretty hurt/ ticked when I got home. BUT I wasn't wanting to break things, so I suppose that was an added bonus.
      Now as for the rest of what you wrote ( gah I wish I could type longer than 30 minutes and I 'd send you a 'story') I think very few of us ever think we've made it. I mean there are always constant struggles. But struggles that lead to strength, so I suppose we wouldn't want it any other way. Some just have longer strides than others I suppose. So there lies in the danger in comparing. Once people have been 'at this'...I mean the Dd aspect as I can't speak for any other facet, for a while they rarely write to process anymore. That would be why you see 'experienced' BLOGGERS write less and less. And when they do write it is usually, as you say a snap shot of one day, whether it be a good day or a difficult one. It may give many the illusion that they don't struggle, but they do...OH do they ( at least the women/men I have the pleasure of knowing). But often they work it out with each other and bend the ear of a few friends.
      The difficulty is, when you are hurting, no matter who you are, or how long you have been doing 'this',reading about a seemingly strong relationship, cuts deep. Not that you aren't happy for who you are reading about, but because you want that feeling. That connection. Like being very thirsty and watching someone down a drink of water. Moments earlier they were thirsty, and will be again. It is just difficult in your moment to realize that. AND then when you do get to drink, you must cherish the beverage not worry away its affects. LOL...Seems I am all about the analogies ..sigh
      love willie

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  2. Great post Willie! I think there are a lot of us trying to come to terms with our own shade of TTWD. And for me in particular, I decided I was unhappy with the primer so I decided to scrap the whole can and start over. Hopefully for the last time but I am not holding my breath. But I realized that without a base coat my finished product would look like crap. So here we go again...

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    1. Oh Brooke for many of us, this was the case. Some rush to paint and don't seal the plaster properly or mend the cracks. The colour looks great for a while, but the rushed job eventually shows. You WILL get the colour you and Rooster can both live with. I believe it. But sometimes that means prep, paint...wait...repaint...the colour below can bleed through often, so many applications my be needed. Hey that is what makes life interesting ( albeit it very painful and frustrating) doesn't it?
      ( remember fall down 7 - get up 8 )

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  3. Awesome Willie, well said! Way to go on the exercise! Sorry, would say more but commenting on the phone is a b@*_h!

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Bwahaaa...well at least you didn't email me and ask me to post your comment for you! wink

      love
      willie

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  4. I agree. As a matter of fact if we think about our view of relationships and/or marriage at various ages we most probably had a black and white understanding of what it meant. As we grow and change based on our experiences we realize it resembles gray as we add a bit of white to our black and a little black to our white! So therefore all of our TTWD/DD lifestyles need the same!

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    1. Ah yes Minelle the joyous black and white view of marriage at the start...until the honeymoon was over LOL.
      Yup I'd agree every relationship: ttwd, Dd, gay, straight, familial, neighbours, nothing is black and white, and nor should it be. There is so little wiggle room with those two shades.

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  5. Always love your analogies and pictures :-) All that gray really sums it up well. And it does change over time. See that split in the middle belongs there too, that's where I was living. Then in the blink of an eye there I am in a pretty dark gray. The novelty is bound to fade, as will the shade of gray.

    Congrats on sticking with the exercise. I've just finished month five, still hate every moment of it and look for excuses.

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    1. Well Chickie, you might have FELT you were in the split for a while, but to us you were still in the circle mixing your own shade.

      Wow 5 months! I tell ya I can't wait for these next 2 weeks to be over so I can resume Princess Sloth Mode! Five months..pfft...not gonna happen here!

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  6. This was a great analogy! It does change, sometimes day to day, sometimes month to month. And congrats on sticking with the exercise!

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    1. Hello Maggie!
      and Welcome!!!

      Oh it changes alright. I think we had it change several shades today alone! LOL.. I hate those kind of days.

      Thanks!

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  7. Really thoughtful post about our lifestyle--I also did not realize that 50 Shades of Grey the book brought so many people to DD...I guess it wasn't that bad of a book after all, haha. And you are so right about everyone being a different shade--I have not met two people who are living TTWD the same exact way in this community. We all are customizing it to our relationship and our lives, and I love that we blog about it!

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    1. Hi Autumn!

      Yes customizing the grey. Some days it is great other days I think, SERIOUSLY? Can't we just live with this shade for a bit? Or it fades without us noticing...grrr I hate that! But as you know, it happens to us all. And what would be blog about if it didn't?

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  8. Great analogy! Could it be that's why the book was so named? I wonder!
    We definitely have a whole grey spectrum thing going on in our house from the nearly white to nearly black and very often jumping between the two.
    Well done on your exercise are you still ensuring you do enough for two? I'm relying on you!

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    1. You are a cleaver woman Janey. That is most likely what the book was about...well his personality that had 50 Shades of Gray. But close enough. See you can think about these things as your mind isn't exhausted from constantly trying to come up with ways to exercise for two!

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  9. I like the analogy although I'd prefer shades of blue please...wink.

    I think it is incredibly difficult to step into this community and not end up reading a ton about what you think you want but cripple yourself by putting the cart ahead of the horse in your own relationship. I know that the shade of DD that MM and I started out with is very different from what we do now and there have been significant changes along the way. I learned to not get caught in expectations or comparison, but I learned it the hard way, just like everyone else. The bonus is that I have also learned a whole lot from those who are different from us and in doing so, discovered places in myself that I might have squished down and tried to ignore.

    I hope your new friend finds us a supportive bunch as she dips her toes into this way of life to see what it holds for her.

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    1. Shades of blue ? What does that even mean? You know for someone who claims it is her favourite colour, you don't even have anything painted in your house blue!

      I know for myself personally not only have I learned so much from those who do things differently than us...which seems like then entire planet at times....but from what would seem like unlikely reading material too. We have read books about Submission and Control/Dominance that people might thing odd for our dynamic, but there was so much to learn and discuss in those books.

      Basically I would say don't dismiss anything out of hand. Blogs, or books just because you think they don't do it like you or the way you want to. Tomorrow is another day, and well heck maybe there is something under the surface waiting to be explored in you or your spouse. But at the very least, there is always room to learn even from an unlikely source.

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  10. Thank you. This is such a beautiful post. This community is great, the support is wonderful, but it's hard to take that first step, and its hard not to feel like you're in the outer circle of something, but I think that's just because it's so hard not to compare. I hope your friend knows she will be welcomed, and I'm glad she has you to support her!

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    1. Hi Jannelle

      I remember at the start of ttwd, and even back then I would be upset when people would say don't compare. I would think, I'm not comparing, people are just living a life of connection I desire. LOL. For us, as it is for many here, ttwd was and always has been about bringing us closer together. We had tried other things before, and we still use these 'techniques' we learned before ttwd, but nothing worked like it does/did. It certainly wasn't an easy go to get this thing we do to even look remotely like grey. It took LOTS of mixing of colour I have to say. Fortunately this community was here for us because without it I don't honestly think I could have found the strength some days, to get back up and try again.
      As for this friend, I haven't met her yet. She is a friend of a friend. I just hope she has the courage to look into what she desires, and if she needs to, turn to those who can hold her hand.

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  11. Willie, congrats for keeping the exercise regimen on schedule. I've been on course with my 3x per week and it has been a challenge, so hats off to you for keeping on every day! Only "analogies for 200"? Willie you are the queen of analogies, so I say go for broke! After all you are $3500 behind! Seriously though, great insightful post...you nailed it!

    love,
    George

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    1. Well George, how do you think I got the $3500? I started at the big money squares in Analogies first!

      As for the exercise...I hate it. LOL....but I might be described as a little stubborn from time to time, so I am a tad determined to continue! Especially now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to confess though, some days I feel like I am 'dialing' in my exercise as opposed to pushing it.

      Congrats to you Sir for managing to keep up your end of the bargain too!
      love
      willie

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  12. congrats on the goals of the week!
    love the analogy...we all are various shades in our relationships...all bring something different and the same...all blend together in various ways...
    hugs

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    1. Hey Terps

      Thanks for the kind words again this week! I'm happy you could relate to the analogy. I love that we all have the same base colours. Kinda like parents! LOL

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  13. This post is right on the money. I've been thinking about this very subject off and on for the past several months, curious as to what makes some people feel the need to specifically define exactly what shades they *don't* consider themselves to be as well as what shades they think apply to them. I really feel though, that in the last several years the ttwd community has begun to embrace a mentality similar to what you shared here. I see it in peoples blog rolls, where someone who just spanks for fun is reading a blog written by someone who is disciplined, and someone who is a sub-slave is friends with someone who writes that they don't "do" bdsm. We all have great things to offer each other, and much to learn and gain from our interactions here. Its great to be part of such a broad spectrum of amazing people! Thank you for lovely post, and congratulations on once again meeting your goals. Good luck this week :-)

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    1. I too have thought that River, "curious as to what makes some people feel the need to specifically define exactly what shades they *don't* consider themselves to be as well as what shades they think apply to them.". I guess perhaps that is their process? Laying out what shade they are. I know some friends who don't practice the Dd aspect of it comment personally to me about feeling odd about offering advice or support toward those who do.
      I always just say, at the heart of it for all of us is a better relationship, certainly you have the experience of wanting that too.

      As I was saying to Susie in my comment above, I have learned so much from people and books who live what would appear to be a very different lifestyle to that of Barney's and mine. But there is commonality there too.

      Oh thanks for the cheers again this week River!

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  14. Firstly, yay!!! This post showed up on my blog list feed (but still not my reading list feed.) Secondly, I checked out that book from the library so I could see what all the fuss was about. Well actually, it was book two that I read, not book one. It was... well... different anyhow. Thirdly, love the little pic you made of yourself!!! Fourthly (yes my grammar is falling into question now...) I think one of those Dd related "This is what I really do" things would be pretty funny. I will have to see if I can come up with one... don't hold your breath though. Lastly, and fithly (not to be confused with filthy) this was such a good post! I never considered all the grey/gray's there could be. Hmm I wonder which one I am. I think I jump about on the gray spectrum. Sixthly... loved the rainbows with stars too.

    lol
    love
    sara
    p.s. Next time you are on chat I have another good story. Not like the last one though.

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    1. Hey. Sorry I haven't been around much....stupid arm.

      We jump around the spectrum I'll tell you what! Sometimes I think that wheel just spins and creates a vortex that threatens to suck us in to a black hole. Fortunately that hasn't happened in a very, very long time, but it was a possibility at one point that is for sure.

      and your story was cute ;)
      love
      willie

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  15. just wanted to drop in and say i have missed you so. :) *HUG*

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    1. Hey Stranger
      hope this means you'll be around a bit more often now?

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    2. I hope so. :) I am trying to check in more. I feel really distant from in person people and blog people and pretty much everyone these days.

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    3. Well unfortunately the only way to change that is to jump back in. Or fortunately. lol

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  16. Being different I would tend to go for Fifty Shades of Pink, but then I always was a difficult little so and so. Very perspicacious of you though. Comes down to the fact that so long as you are happy with what you are doing, what the heck. I really am in awe of your fitness challenge and so glad I didn't join it as I never knew I was going to fall down those bloody stairs.

    Many hugs, Willie
    Ami

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    1. You my dear remind me of a saying my friend once told me ( not about me at the time thank goodness) ..." You are just being contrary because you can be" ...LOL. No wonder your man jumped on board the spanking train! Sheesh.

      Well I must admit as much as I hate running up the stairs, it sounds much more preferable than your trip down them! Happy those injuries are 'behind' you now. I know, bad pun

      love
      willie

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  17. Black or white is the only way to go. Either you are you aren't. It's the highway or the wrong way. There is only one way. Right or wrong, that's it.

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    1. So how do you really feel about this Blondie? LOL

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  18. Great job with the analogy. Loved it. I think you explained it perfectly. And congrats on your 40 days of fitness challenge. I have stayed true to my 40 days and so far have not worked out at all. It's been tough but I know I can do this.

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    1. OMG you had my laughing! I had to explain the entire comment to Barney ( even though I told him what your first comment was to the fitness challenge at the start of this...sigh) but it was worth it. He laughed too!

      Thanks for the kind words. I hope you aren't upset I didn't use your suggestion?...lol

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    2. Blondie you had me laughing out loud! Keep up the good work girl!

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  19. Willie obviously I am woefully behind on my reading and commenting. Sorry about that. You are my friend the queen of the analogy. You come up with the best ways of describing things and this is no exception. Nothing is black and white (just wish the politicians could figure this out.) I'm with Susie. What we do today is quite a different shade than what we started with. We learn. We grow. We move along the spectrum. At least that is the hope.

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