( not huge waves but the only decent photo I have of the lake at the moment )
I was going to begin by saying lately I feel like I have been tossed around by the waves of this lake. Completely caught off guard by life. Every time I think I have my footing on the hard sand bottom, I get knocked over by another wave. However, I feel more like I have ventured into the ocean, unwillingly ( and for those who know me know it would have to be). I have been to almost my knees once in the ocean~ a little phobia of mine. The waves are far different than that of a lake in the way that they pull the sand with them as they recede back out. THAT is what I have been feeling.
I am facing the waves, as you should never turn your back on them. I see them coming, but what I wasn't prepared for, was the pull under my feet as they receded.
After our trip from the cabin, I wanted to believe that all would be good. Life had other plans for us. Many of the issues we were dealing with before, are still there ( non Dd related) but were 'frozen' if you will for a time. They would rear their head in other ways, but I could tuck them away if I chose to, or so I told myself.
When I wrote my last post, I knew in my heart there were still things holding us both back. I couldn't shake the way Barney's words made me feel that morning. The accusation in his tone. My mind tried to tuck that away, but it couldn't. " How could he seriously still think that of me?" kept coming to mind. I pulled away. He tried, but I was frozen.
It was about this time that someone I love very deeply, began struggling medically and has had to face some very difficult decisions for herself and her family. Some of them have moral implications to others. I am not here to judge her on what she and her husband deem best for their little family. I am ONLY concerned with how every aspect of this situation will affect her and her heart. She is very much like me in so many ways. I could see her shutting down right before my eyes, and I can't say I can blame her. She kept/keeps preparing for the worst, and test results were confusing at best so the worst appeared to be coming her way no matter what. But as we know, you can't prepare for those times. You THINK you can but you really can't. Right now we are in a day to day situation, and I pray for the best possible outcome, but if that isn't possible I pray for this to end in the best possible way for her. Regardless she is not going to come out of the other side the same person.
When she initially called me with the first test results, actually texted me because she couldn't find her voice it was so scary, I called Barney at work. I barely got the words out myself. There was nothing he could do from work, or even if he was at home. I just couldn't go through this alone. When he arrived home after work, he found me in a ball on our bed. The tears wouldn't stop. I was chanting, " I don't want this for her". I felt sick. I wanted to take her fear and pain away more than anything that day~ I still do. For whatever reason, that 'breakdown' allowed Barney to focus on the core of me. Not the partially frozen woman he had been with since the cabin.
One day he decided that he needed to reset the situation. I complied. Hoping against anything that this would set us back in the right direction. There had been so many hurt feelings and words. I am not sure others would consider what was said 'hurtful' words, but they stung for me. Half way through an intensely physical but not emotional spanking, Barney stopped so I could 're-sensitize' ( side-note if he never utters that word again it will be too soon). As I lay there and he sat across the room, I got up and started rifling through his night stand. For whatever reason he didn't declare I get back into position, he just watched. After much searching I found what I was looking for, a little notebook of his from our first year in Dd. We had been struggling ( snort~ when have we NOT?). He was trying to 'reach' me (snort ~when is he NOT?) with no success. We had sat down and I told him what words he had used in the past and how they affected me. He wrote them down in this book, and used them for a while until things became second nature. I tossed the notebook at Barney,he looked perplexed. " Read it" ( he wasn't impressed by my tone, but only the look indicated that)
" Yeah I haven't said those things in a very long time. But as I recall it became robotic after a while"
(During resets in the past he would utter words of reassurance. He would congratulate me on things I had done, changes I was allowing and embracing within. There were comments about things that needed to change and how he was in control, but overall that was the 'feeling' surrounding it).
" You see me as the enemy. That is what the issue is here. You don't see me as the soft woman inside you used to. You see me as someone who needs to be conquered and crushed. You have lost the entire point of this thing we do. It all makes sense now that you throw around, "manipulative, controlling" and whatever other gems you have tossed in my direction lately. When you are talking and spanking you are accusing me of things, no wonder I won't ...can't let go. I am becoming defensive"
And shock of all shocks, he agreed! For the first time he sat there spoke about how I was right. He did so without belittling himself. We discussed how different things have become. He said he realized somewhere along the line, he crossed a line in his mind.
It wasn't like we or I was saying there there are not times where there will be and SHOULD be conversations about me trying to take control etc...but it was at the point that every situation had me in control in his mind. In his mind if I voiced my opinion to a question HE asked, I was trying to take control. Nothing I did was right. I would stay quiet...that was wrong. I would speak, I attacked him...and I know darn well I wasn't.
I told him the difference between the two types of spankings were really his motivation behind them. Before there was just as much pain, in fact there was more pain, but there was also a sense of calm. By that I mean I fought the pain and finally let myself succumb to it, as opposed fighting him~fighting how I was viewed by him. He agreed to all of it. Sincerely
When he spoke he said he was sorry. He told me he had apologized before but it was difficult to mean it when you really don't know what you are sorry for. He said he knew he was to blame back then, but how or why he wasn't entirely sure. This actually made sense. I was his opponent. I was feeding off of his emotions, which I have a tendency to do. So of course it was never going to work.
I explained that breaking down my walls was not the same thing as crushing me. He did think somewhere along the line he changed his views from dominating to help me, to dominating to crush and that was the key to success. That if I screwed up it was an out and out challenge of his authority rather than my head not being in the right place. Like I said I also made sure to tell him I do know there are times and should be times when things will happen that seem similar and he will fight me and have to feel like I am the opponent, but that can't be the feeling ALL the time.
Basically he agreed that there was no way I was going to let my guard down to someone who appeared to have animosity toward me. Even if he didn't believe he did outside of ttwd, during any sort of spanking or correction of any sort he did. There could be no vulnerability allowed, no safety net if I felt I was being attacked. Not to say he couldn't or shouldn't be angry with me, but for the 'right' reasons if that makes sense.
He told me that I have an extraordinary ability ( yeah flattery will get you no where Dexter..lol) to verbalize my emotions and it is daunting at times to communicate with a person who can dance circles around him as far as communication goes. Becoming defensive in this area and seeing those conversations as attacks probably started this downward spiral of negativity. I suppose maybe he felt that if it appeared if I had the upper hand with communication then I had the upper hand in the relationship. Which to me is ridiculous, because I have always felt in our relationship communication is 50/50 to work. There is no upper hand. When it comes to trying to keep our marriage working, there is no submission. But I know he struggles with that, and I know he's not alone in that aspect.
So there you go right? Problem solved? Oh people, are you new here? We did feel like a huge weight was lifted off of our shoulders. We felt so much closer. However, once again the ocean took the sand out from beneath my feet. This time perhaps I wasn't paying attention to the waves. Life again shook me.
I have often said that I am more of the building walls with these type of lego
as opposed to these
Bit by bit, hurt, fear, situations have me laying down my little bricks. These bricks are so tiny at times even I don't know I am laying them. Sure I have moments where the large Duplo bricks are laid down. Obvious situations. The difference being that THIS wall is faster to build, and consequently faster and easier to tear down.
As opposed to this wall, where you have to get in between ever little block that is clinging to the other for dear life it seems.
After less than stellar punishment spanking, and miscommunication on other fronts, I decided I needed air to breathe. I went of a walk, alone. I thought about many things and people in my life. Mostly I thought about me. I realized the 'state' I was in needed to be altered. I also knew that only *I* could start tearing these little bricks apart from one another.
That is exactly what I have been trying to do for the past two weeks. I have picked back up my book, The Ecstasy of Surrender ( Not a D/s book) In it the author describes how to do a 3 minute mediation when you feel the need to control a situation. I have been using it to calm my often irrational emotions.
It has helped ! While my hip isn't co-operating, I am desperately trying to get outside and at the very least sit, and read or write, if not walk short distances.
In addition I have been trying to write every day ( and um, may be failing a bit in that department as of late). It hasn't been easy as Barney has often read what I have written, causing a little bit of angst here and there. Fortunately we eventually worked through that too. Saying it wasn't pretty is a huge understatemen. I recognize I am happier if I can free my brain of excess. All of these 'little things' help that.
Barney has said I have become more positive again. He in turn has stepped it up a tad as well. Perhaps stepping it up isn't the correct terminology, he has become clearly invested, with conviction. I don't mean the physical parts of ttwd have increased tenfold, but the benefits of communication, even BAD communication has.
We have continued with our discussions about that day when I said I felt like he viewed me as an opponent. I believe he became a bit confused by it all. I had told him that punishment for some rules seemed mundane, but I worded that poorly. I didn't get the point across to him that I do believe in those punishments it is just that I become resentful if he is willing to spank me for going to bed 10 minutes late, but not for acting in a way that damages more than our dynamic, but our actual RELATIONSHIP. I told him I felt we were beyond me 'building' him up and taking a punishment for that purpose alone if his demeanor wasn't helping my submission. I felt that those punishments, again because I could basically tell him to jump in the lake with no accountability, were causing me resentment. NOT because I felt I didn't deserve them, but because he refused to seem to step in when I felt ugly and unlovable, acting in a way that wasn't truly representative of who I am.
The other day after a 'silence' standoff, he began to talk to me. I know what you are thinking, I wasn't pouting, I wanted in HIS head for a change. I said to him I wasn't talking because I wanted to hear what he had to say first. Boy did I hear what he had to say. For the first time that I can recall, he clearly stated his objective. He told me he was going to do everything in his power to regain my trust. He told me in part, how he planned to do that. He said that he was aware inconsistency in the past has made it difficult for me to trust enough to let go. He said he didn't blame me for not trusting him. He clearly stated that he was going to EARN my trust and by doing so I was going to feel free to be me more often than not. Most importantly he said all of this with conviction and without apology.
Do I know where we are heading now? LOL. Who ever does? I do feel more like I am back standing in the lake as opposed to the ocean with the 'moving' bottom. I know that the waves are going to knock me and us over again and again. That is just life. But, I am hopeful that throughout it all I will not start to silently build my mini lego walls again. ( Nothing like wrapping it up with two lame analogizes in the same paragraph). I will continue to work on myself, because I know Barney can't do it alone. I don't expect him to. I am responsible for my own piece of mind and lighter heart~ some days I just need a bit of help.