Sunday, April 3, 2016

My Vulnerability F*cked Everything up

Okay or maybe it just F*cked me up.  Sorry for the F-bomb but try as I might, I couldn't find the right word in the Roget's Thesaurus to replace it.

Let me explain.  First off I should apologize for the constant disappearing act of my blog.  Life around here, ALL ASPECTS have been ridiculous for lack of a better word for over a year now.  Just when things seem to be going in a 'normal' direction, WHAM!

Okay back to ttwd and how vulnerability is messing things up.  I mean don't get me wrong the ACTUAL feeling of vulnerability is great....( for the most part) but....




Perhaps I should back it up a bit.

In the fall my sweet husband threw me a surprise birthday party ( IN OUR HOUSE...I know right ladies? ).  Initially before hand he had said something about going away together, to the cottage of a family member.  Whoo hoo much needed alone time. Apparently NOT!  I found out about said party.  This of course made matters WAY worse.  My anxiety became off the charts. Thoughts that  I was going to have to become some sort of actress when I walked through our door so as not to disappoint our guests ran through my mind.

Not too mention being the centre of attention, not really something I cherish.

 I became such a mess that Barney considered cancelling the party.  After discussing it, he decided that it wouldn't be fair to all of those who had moved around their schedules and picked up food etc. for him. That week he was very much in control of everything, and I was on a need to know basis only.  I was told to muddle through.  I'd imagine for some of you this really would not be a huge deal.  For ME it was.  I was a wreck!  I was obsessed with what sort of reaction I was going to have.  I became more compulsive about our house.  I also was hurt and disappointed that he could 'get it so wrong'.  I just wanted to spend time with HIM,to get away because life was extremely challenging with health issues.  I didn't want to spend any 'free' monies we had on a party.  Heck I wanted a new kitchen sink and faucet, (still do by the way!)

Yeah , yeah, yeah.  Expectations....I filled in the blanks.  I should know better.  My husband thinks out loud, but what he says doesn't always mean what he is going to actually do.  I have no one to blame but myself.  Anyway to cut to the chase, after a week of being a neurotic mess, and my husband sticking to his guns (albeit a bit shaky at times), something happened.  I had changed.  A great deal of things I used to suppress I could no longer.  I looked for walls, curtains, a small pillow to hid behind, but they were gone.

It was flipping terrifying in some regard, I'm not going to lie.  This was all new to me.  At least this level of it.  Naturally throughout our then 3 years of ttwd, I have had times like this, but NOT exactly like this.  It was a GOOD thing. ( More things happened after my party to contribute, but it isn't really important).

Did Barney find it a GOOD thing?  NOPE.  He was concerned.  Of course I couldn't explain accurately what was going on in me because I wasn't sure how to.  What did happen was a bit of a mess.  A mess in someways my husband still hasn't recovered from.

Initially, and right up until Christmas, he plugged along with his crazy wife.  Crazy because neither one of us really could predict what was going to 'set me off'.  Crazy because being 'set off' could mean tears....or yelling....or tears, yelling,  AND projectiles....



or you know,little fists of furry ( Barney was quick to add I look nothing like her.  Apparently even crazy I'm cuter..LOL)

  After Christmas something changed with him.  It was like he mostly stopped ttwd.  At least stopped the level of intensity he had been employing the few of months prior.

I was lost.  I didn't understand what on EARTH was going on.  I showed him my vulnerability.  I learned to tell him all about my fears, and also how what he was doing was working.   I didn't understand how *I* could feel so at peace in so very many ways, and he was, what I thought - pulling away.  Sure he'd still punish me, but the daily expectations were less and less.  The entire vibe was different in our house.  I kept asking what was wrong.  He kept questioning why things were different.  He didn't know. I didn't understand.

I have potentially figured it out.  The vulnerability was f*cking up everything.   Let me explain before you go running for the hills.  With this newer found, intense vulnerability, my connection to my husband became much, much stronger.   So much so that my emotions became- have become hair trigger sensitive.   What once used to not bother me, or bother me as much had become a monumental insult/hurt/attack on me.  Things that he would say in passing, or ignoring me ( okay watching tv after dinner with the kids) began to gut me.  How could HE NOT SEE?  How could he not understand how incredibly hurtful his words were?

Well Wilma, because HE  has not become the vulnerable one, at least not in that manner.  He is a man, and perhaps his connection to you doesn't manifest itself that way.  HUH...well that  just sucks!

Anyway,  after all of these months, several attempts at 'beating' me back to normal, meaning not have these irrational outbursts, I think I have figured at least one thing out.  When we have an intense day/week/ whatever TTWD wise, as I have said before, it is like I view it as the foundation, and he the cherry on top.  Part of that may very well be true, however why on earth would I 'explode' a day after a marathon spanking session?  Or after a fantastic Kinkfest?  That theory doesn't hold much water in these particular cases.  When I thought about last week, and how HELLcat Wilma reigned down on poor Barney physically (okay maybe not POOR Barney in this case but I digress)  I couldn't understand because things the two days prior were pretty amazing, at least between us.  It has since occurred to me, the connection, the vulnerability,they were at their all time peak again.  No where to go but down?  That doesn't sound right.  But there may be a slight amount of truth to that, in Barney's eyes.  In mine?  Well I guess I have become an attention/affection/ 'whore'.  I not only need more, which plays into my original foundation theory, but any bit of negativity I view directed my way, ( like that B falling asleep in front of the tv which started this ball rolling) hurts me.

It puts me into a defensive mode.  The hurt once again comes out as anger, like it did at the start of ttwd.  Truthfully it comes out as nothing at all initially.  That in turn frustrates my husband, and THEN the hurt comes out as anger towards him.  After that we are a complete nightmare of hurt and misunderstanding.  Me because he doesn't get it, and of course up until today I didn't either, but damn him anyway!  Him, because he feels like he has been blindsided once again, doomed to fail by opening his mouth.

Sooooooooooo basically vulnerability has F*CKED everything up.

Sure you'll say lack of communication, or some darn thing is the root of the issue.  We did talk..then fight about talking ( seriously).  I couldn't connect the dots no matter how hard I tried.  You see, Barney was afraid of saying the wrong things, for fear of hurting me.  There have been times when he has said things that would hurt anyone, vulnerable or not, but these times have been after weeks of what he viewed perhaps as 'normal' comments in passing that caused me to retreat or lash out.  Communication became the issue in his mind.  One of those, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations, so you might as well not.   This of course contributed further to my hurt. Eventually I get spanked for something, or just because, and things would improve, my connection restored, then WHAM...round and round we'd go again.  Hopefully, JUST hopefully this revelation is actually that, a revelation!

My vulnerability has made me so unguarded that the potential for hurt, at least from the one I trust most of all  on this planet, is very great.  Arguably NOT a great position for a man to be in.

I'm not claiming at that vulnerability is a BAD thing.  It really IS a beautiful thing. I have just discovered that  it can be a bit 'dangerous' in the hands of the inexperienced



Perhaps now we can navigate our way .


We have of course discussed this post prior to me posting it.  I felt so badly for my husband as he read it.  I initially thought it would make him understand where I was coming from and where I have been coming from perhaps all this time.  He looked at me like a man defeated.  He said, "And I hurt you so badly because I couldn't see, you needed me.  I would lash out at you.  I don't want you to lose your vulnerability".

I wasn't trying to justify, just explain perhaps why we were on different pages.  I most certainly didn't mean for him to hurt or take the blame.  Heck I didn't even understand what was going on to be truthful.  Or at least I wasn't putting into words he could comprehend.  I will now have to try and remember, not to take things so personally, and if I do, to find a way to explain again- calmly.  THAT will be the difficult part- as I'm kind of getting good with my little fists of furry *wink*


20 comments:

  1. Vulnerability does suck sometimes. I agree. I have never felt so needy whiny and clingy as I have since we started TTWD. While it makes me a wreck sometimes, it's also the best thing to happen. I need to feel closer to him and the vulnerability gives that to me. No he doesn't always notice it, most times he just sees the clingy mess. Those times it just sucks like nothing will ever be normal again. Normal will return. Different but it will return.

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    1. I understand what you mean somewhat about the clingy mess. I think vulnerability is very subjective. It varies from person to person, based on where they are in their current relationship and who they were before starting it. I know for myself this particular 'phase' is like no other I have ever experienced. I wouldn't, in my case say I am clingy, although I suppose I didn't really clarify that in my post. I over simplified by using an example of Barney falling asleep in front of the tv. Anyway, what was happening here for months on end that caused a major issue, was me becoming someone I have never been before, in a negative way. At least the reactions where.

      I have always been somewhat stoic. Once starting ttwd, I like many became a waterworks factory. This 'phase' had/has me being very, very vocal, physical, and well I would gather down right irrational, all though *HE* better not use that word! Nothing endearing what-so-ever. Barney has never seen me so 'animated'. Not too mention, one 'hurt' has me coiled like a snake, the next the viper strikes. This could happen within a matter of minutes to be truthful.

      My girlfriend once told me, we become so raw that the potential for hurt is so great, and perhaps they don't or can't understand that. At least at times. She said this to me months ago. I understood at the time, but I just couldn't figure out why as Barney would say, " you plummet so quickly". In my mind the decline was not so slow. Now I get it, the closeness is there like never before, and I feel he is going to keep me there forever. It is as if I am a soap bubble. He can catch me and hold me with the right touch, or pop me in an instant. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason as to why sometimes I just break.

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  2. Isn't it amazing how complicated women can be; especially when we get to our basic vulnerable selves? We have men who love us but... Eric always says he can't hit a moving target when my emotions are all across the board. Maybe part of being vulnerable and having all of those feelings come to life regardless of the timing or situation.

    Thanks for the "Yup" the other day. Been hell here too. Starting to pull out of it but it's slow going. Hang in there girl.

    Amy

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    1. Like I said to Erika, I think we all feel vulnerability somewhat differently depending on who or where we are with ourselves and our relationships. I think my husband would agree, but I guess we'll have to wait on that one..LOL, that 9 times out of 10 my reactions to situations are atypical for me. Once starting ttwd I did transform and those reactions did indeed change, for the better once I leveled out. Once he and I became accustomed to the changes, and I embraced things like fear and hurt so they didn't manifest themselves in angry words, or 'placing' a spatula down on a counter a little more emphatically than I would have before, we seemed to take the emotions in stride. He even seemed to mostly take the slamming of doors in stride, of course the 'stride' sometimes came in the form of cane strikes. This time was/is different. Angst caused by teenagers in the house, or health issues of ones we loved, were still met the same way as always. Barney saying something he deemed just in passing after one of our 'high' connection days, ( or as another friend pointed out perhaps after a stressful external encounter, I'll add that we faced together) had/has me 'flipping out'.

      Like I said, we have since discussed this as a possible factor. We'll keep an eye on it and see if the trend continues. For both our sake I hope it doesn't. LOL

      As for your post, I'm sorry it has been HELL there. Believe it or not, (because of this current post) your emotions and needs WILL eventually balance out over time. At least for a little while, and then things or you will change or let go some more and a new 'hell' will pop up. Doesn't sound wonderful does it? But it is. Or will be. Ttwd wise anyway. Don't lose faith. Everything does happen for a reason with ttwd. It just is difficult to see at times.

      willie

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  3. Hi Willie, I think that the picture about the soap bubble that you used in the comments explains so much about vulnerability. Some of what you describe sounds familiar, and even though what you write seems to say that you can find yourself on a rollercoaster ride in record time with its ups and downs, I’d also think this is due to the greater intensity you and Barney feel, which is good, and maybe it is something that you will be able to handle better now than before, because you have become more aware of it.
    The sequence of how the deeper connection between you and Barney ends in you feeling hurt made a lot of sense to me. I think this is something we have experienced as well (though I have not used projectiles! … couldn’t resist this one :) ), and for me it sounds like you do what it takes to get through this. You talk. It is what helps, and when you say that your vulnerability leaves you unguarded, you also say that you turn your unprotected side towards Barney. I think this shows so much trust and is wonderful to do, and I’d say he loves that you show yourself this way. Hm, some of the last months obviously was not easy, but is it possible that all in all the bond between Barney and you has simply become stronger as a result of what has been going on? Maybe I got that wrong, but somehow you leave me with this positive impression. Oh, the marathon spanking and the Kinkfest sound great btw! :)

    love

    Nina

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    1. Hi Nina

      I am not entirely sure I am a roller coaster of *UPs* and downs. As I was poorly trying to explain to a friend the other day, I don't necessarily get the extreme UPS like I used to. NOT that that is a bad thing. I actually view it as a good thing. I would say when we are very connected, I am in a place of peace and contentment. I suppose that could be dubbed by others as euphoric, but it isn't a 'high' so much as it used to be. If that makes any sense? Probably not, as I have described a sudden plummet in my post...LOL. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't walk around so much on 'cloud 9'. To me it is 'how it should be' and then it is not.

      I do think you are right, in so many ways the bond between Barney and I is much, much stronger. At least it is buried under there somewhere! LOL. Honestly my content feelings can still be seen or felt just under the surface even in times of 'projecting' my feelings across the room, ( I couldn't resist either).

      As for the marathon spanking sounding great? Um...not DURING that is for sure. My husband is a very kind man, but that generally doesn't get seen or felt during a marathon spanking I will tell you that! LOL. Oh well he does usually end it with a kiss to the back of my head. The Kinkfest? THAT is usually great!

      willie

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  4. Writing on a very small screen...excuse the typos.

    I remember going thru this at one point. Any small thing he said even in teasing could throw me into a fit and create a huge misunderstanding. You know my husband so you can imagine his response was to carefully say as little as possible so as to not hurt me. That went over like a lead balloon. What I can't remember is if it was during a time of deep vulnerability. I do remember that I was thinking and feeling deeply and who was this guy who was being so insensitive.

    Super helpful huh? Lol. I don't know how to get them to understand when we are in a new place, when a switch has been thrown in our heads. Sadly, much of the time this exact stuff has to happen before you can communicate it properly and they can come out of their slightly fearful shells to give us what we need again.

    BTW, you are rather cute when you are throwing a fit. I'd say go ahead and keep those up. B can deal with those...they move a man to action.

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    1. I do actually remember some of what you are referring too. Perhaps you have gone through this more than once? LOL. Sometimes I wonder how much is ttwd, at times and how much is we are from different planets women and men! LOL. This time however I can attest to it probably being ttwd. As you know, I can be a 'tad' animated, my reactions wouldn't be classified as even 'normal' for abnormal me.

      A switch has been thrown? LMAO that makes me think of the electric chair! I will NOT tell you who in this house I am currently visualizing in it. Although the hot seat might only belong to one. Anyway I'm hoping he'll stay out of his shell and in his current 'state' for a while so we can get back to being the way we have always been.

      AND hold the phone! When on earth have you ever seen me throw a 'fit'? When MM tried to steal away the dog poop bag? When I couldn't get McLovin' to pop the cork on the wine bottle? Ohhhhhhhhhh when MM 'suggested' Barney repark the van???? Naturally I don't expect YOU to remember any of this stuff. LOL. Regardless those 'fits' were child's play in comparison to Flying Kobo-gate, or Fists of Fury!

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  5. It's so nice to know I'm not alone!

    Emotions have been magnified (by a million times) since we started all this and it has been difficult learning how to live with them. My reactions/breakdowns/etc had him questioning himself and if this was the right thing for me--I use past tense because I hope it is the past. And who could blame him?! There were some really, really bad times. I would try to explain how I felt, but all he saw was how he was doing it wrong and how he couldn't give me what I needed...I was only trying to find solutions, I wasn't saying that either of us was wrong. It made me feel like the biggest pile of shit! I'm supposed to make him happy! Then there are the times when I would open up and he would say, "I don't know what to say because I don't want to upset you." Which is just effing awesome...

    Anyway, all this leads me to believe he is vulnerable too and we just have to learn how to be "this" together. I think it might be a better idea for me to just say I'm struggling and I need help (rather than saying what I think would help me) and let him take it from there.

    Just FYI...Mine has been playing this stupid game for days and days and ignoring me for most of the night, it's about to drive me crazy! I want him to do what he wants, really I do, but I want what I want too! And, damn it, I want some attention! Lol. Okay, he does give me attention, more than some get, and I should be thankful, but sometimes I need a little more and asking for it is just so darn hard!

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    1. I wrote a post a million moons ago, or so it feels- probably the first year of ttwd. I likened my emotions to open a dryer mid-spin. You never know what is going to fly out, a little sock or a fitted sheet that tangles everything up! I think those days would be a welcome change compared to now.

      A male friend of ours suggested to me that it was all the external stuff I have been dealing with that has compounded this issue. I said it was an interesting theory, but why then would so many of my female friends, much 'further along' in this, if you will, have said they have experienced the same over the top emotions?

      I like the " I don't know what to say because I am going to upset you" quote. Some days it makes me feel horrible, other days I have to admit I feel frustrated or even that he is being a bit passive aggressive with the entire thing. Anyway I believe we are well past the worrying about giving him instructions part, ( I think) but I remember it well too.

      Just today he tried to give me a reset. It wasn't working. Was it the position? Was it his conviction? Was it my mind? Who knows exactly. When presented with the time to talk about it, it went sideways and sideways fast. Instead of continuing to amp it up, I quietly left. He felt dismissed, I told him later my attempts as steering the conversation away from his negative remarks concerning himself that were ignored by him, made me feel dismissed long before I left.

      It is funny you know, he feels dismissed if I physically leave, and to him that is what being dismissed is. I feel dismissed if I am cut off, or he sighs, or seems uninterested by responding completely different to what I am saying. Yet to him he's still there. Sure IN BODY! lol . We are so very different sometimes. He said he needed time to process the situation, it really wasn't a BAD situation ( the spanking that is). Sure he didn't achieve what he wanted, but I didn't think all was lost. I am forever saying it is the AFTER which is important if we slip up. But his vulnerability or as he put it today 'ego' plays a part in this too.

      Today his processing time, meant me alone by myself. No word of him needing time to process. No idea from him that he could apply what I said in this post to our current situation. Now granted I didn't throw an epic fit ( just one pillow to the dresser that knocked over a bunch of bottles), nor did I sob my eyes out, but it was a big reminder that understanding something in a discussion doesn't mean it is going to transpire right away in 'life'

      As for your last bit. Yes asking for something you believe over time they should SEE or you know WANT too, is very difficult. It gets more difficult as the hurt builds as time goes on. I get that too. It isn't that I don't respect Barney's need to process things after the fact, much like you don't respect the fact that your husband needs time with this game. It is the fact that it 'appears' we are not worthy of a , " I will be with you after I unwind" or something, that can hurt. WE aren't saying don't do those things, we are saying 'remember we are waiting in the wings'.

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    2. * much like it ISN'T the fact that you don't respect the fact that your husband needs time with his game (sheesh)

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  6. I get this. I feel that I am far more vulnerable now. And I get what you say Willie by this meaning different things to different people. It also means different things to each of H and I because try as I might I cannot explain to him what I mean by it. As I start talking about it he always goes into rant type mode about his fear of me becoming overly dependent on him, simpering to him and agreeing with all he says (Yeah! Like that's EVER going to happen) he keeps telling me how much he loves my strength and independence. Maybe this is the reason for him holding back and not embracing ttwd in the complete way that I would like him to.
    I've said before, my man is just not a talker, he doesn't like conversations, at least not about ttwd, football or films and he will talk all day. However the thinking aloud thing you mentioned, that is definitely him. He will say things and the children and I get all excited and then he's gone on to something else, we're all left feeling let down and he doesn't understand because to him it was never a decision, rather an option (albeit phrased as a decision) which he voices out loud as his mind continues to wander over the other possibilities. Oh the arguments we have had over this. And I can hear him now if he were to read this saying that if I understand what he's doing, why believe it's a decision the next time it happens!!!!
    Lastly to the asking for something you believe they should be able to 'see' without being directly told - now I know before we have said that they are men for goodness sakes and they just really don't see it and need to have it spelled out to them because of the Mars/Venus thing. However, there is still a tiny part of me (or actually not really that tiny) that just cannot go along with this belief and still blames him for not seeing something that I believe is as plain as the nose on my face. I cannot understand that he cannot understand. I accept all the theory around it, but in practise when it's my husband not 'seeing' I still bloody well blame him!

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    1. Ah Janey you make me laugh! Seriously if you weren't such a long swim away, I'd say we should go out for a drink, or several. We could grab Misty too, her husband won't notice, he's playing some game...LOL.

      Seriously though...about the vulnerability thing. I think you hit the nail on the head when you expanded on my comments. I mean how can they understand it, our version that is, if somewhat simple interactions seem to get so lost in translation as well? I remember saying long ago that Barney and I had to come up with our own new language to talk to each other. WITH each other rather. Perhaps we need to revisit this again? Maybe just how everything else evolves with time and ttwd, our language needs do again too?

      About your H worrying about you becoming too dependent on him, let me tell you a little story, as we went down this road, sort of. The day of my surprise birthday party, Barney suggested I go out for a while shopping. I hadn't really been OUT alone in a very long time. I most certainly hadn't been to a shopping mall. When I got there, for half a second I froze, but then continued. I had wandered around many stores and found something in the clearance section of a clothing store I thought was too good of a deal to pass up. When I headed toward the cash, I became aware I was the only one in the store. There were 4 service clerks mulling around the cash. I couldn't do it. Or I wouldn't do it. I put the top back and left the store. I have always had an issue with being in a store by myself, or a small store with only one other person let's say. ( I have many issues but lets stick with this one..LOL). I also have never in my life ordered a pizza. I refuse to go to circuses...the list goes on. I CAN and have made doctors appointments, and traveled internationally on my own. I CAN FUNCTION. It is just that there are things that give me anxiety. Things that make me uncomfortable on a lesser degree. That day, I recognized it for what it was. Would I have purchased the top before? No. I would have found something wrong with it. Made an excuse that I didn't need it, or it wasn't such a great deal. This day I knew the real truth. I couldn't make myself go to the counter. That may sound weak to some, and it did initially freak my husband out when I told him, but to ME it was a huge relief to be honest. I saw ME and while it wasn't GREAT, it wasn't awful because I saw ME.

      The day after the party we were grocery shopping, and I needed something in the store next door. I suggested I go ahead, as it was a chain store, and even though I hadn't been in that one before, I was used to the store. He later came to join me. He took one look at me and said, " are you okay?" . The store was very cramped and a person in a motorized cart ended up being in the same aisle as I was every time ( you know how you end up running into the same person throughout your shopping trips) and I felt trapped and very claustrophobic. That day he embraced my vulnerability/authenticity. He appreciated that I was able to lean on him. He took everything from my hands, told me to go wait in the van and he would be out soon. He was walking tall for a very long time after that.

      Funny how easy it is to spot vulnerability when we are 'in the zone' and how easy it is to embrace it, but one misstep and WHAM....and while I know it is always right there under the surface, fear and sometimes pride, can turn me away from it again..and in turn Barney too. So let me just end with I bloody well blame him too! LOL

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    2. Found my way here Hurrah!! So much has been written here, by you and the others, that I need time to digest and re-read. Vulnerability...something I worked hard to avoid....Master gets credit for not giving up, I was not as easy sell. Glad to see you back, love reading here....now I need to go back and re-read all of this...
      hugs abby

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    3. Hurrah indeed! Welcome abby. You'll quickly learn if you didn't get a glimpse and notice from my comments on other blogs, that my posts are lonnnnnnnnnng. Not only that but the 'ladies' here like to gab along with me and I love it! Most times the discussion in the comments is far superior to the original post anyway. Okay maybe all the time ;)

      willie

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    4. From I have read I doubt your last statement. I have a feeling you and I are much more alike than not...and your comments are always cause for though..a good thing. Glad to be here...
      hugs abby

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    5. Well I look forward to reading your insight on my messed up life! LOL. Not that I write here often any more. But we'll see.

      willie

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  7. Hi Willie, I'm sorry I am late to the party (again!), I didn't realise you had posted. Very glad tl see you back here. It was great chatting last night, we must catch up more often.

    Gosh, there is so much in this post and comments I feel I need to re-read and digest too. Vulnerability... it's both beautiful and sucks lol. It's a scary thing and does provoke strong emotional reactions. I think the more vulnerable we are the more we need that connection and feel hurt if it doesn't happen and may then withdraw.

    I think your level of vulnerability and the connection between you and Barney has deepened which is wonderful. As you know, ee haven't practiced ttwd for a long time now, but I still lean on Rick and he still has me and we are very connected but I no longer feel vulnerable.

    Love and hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hey lady!

      It was great to live 'chat' with you. I so miss our tea/coffee , evening/morning visits.

      "I think the more vulnerable we are the more we need that connection and feel hurt if it doesn't happen and may then withdraw." Since I wrote this post, I recognize it more and more. The moments/days after something has brought me into his skin ( not under it..LMAO) whether it be ttwd related or life's cruelties, I am far more susceptible to perhaps "irrational" hurt. Ironically the life's cruelties and being together facing them allows me to stay vulnerable longer than orchestrated events. That being said though, maybe it is because HE is more careful. Hmm I wonder if he leaves an 'orchestrated' event behind emotionally much faster than I do, and that is part of the issue? Off to think some more....FANTASTIC...lol

      I am sorry that life has been so very challenging for the two of you as well this past year. I know you miss ttwd. I do admire your constant positive outlook, and finding the good that is still there. Many wouldn't be able to do that. Myself included I believe.

      Love
      willie

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  8. So, you didn't mention, how did the birthday party go? Did you have a good time? How did you feel about it afterward. before the fact, you would have been happy to have Barney cancel it. Did you feel that way afterward too?

    You spoke about finding a different language to talk about things. Have you thought about both of you using the word "Ow"? If every time something happens that makes either one of you hurt, you said ow that would clue in the other person to your emotional state. I use yikes a lot to let people know that they are moving into dangerous territory and it gives them a chance to explain.

    I was glad to read about the blouse. That, I think, is self acceptance and that is a good thing. It doesn't mean you should or shouldn't change, it just means that right then at that moment you accepted where you are.

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