Thursday, July 14, 2016

Embrace the Struggle!

A great deal of this post was inspired by two things: my conversations recently ( pfft ALWAYS) with other submissive wives, and seeing Menopause the Musical.

Why Menopause the Musical ( by the way if you have the opportunity, go and see it!  I laughed, actually laughed for 90 minutes)?  because at the end of it they tell you ( no spoilers don't worry) to share your stories with each other.  Be there for each other. Every woman goes through some of this, so why not talk about it!  The same can be said for struggling in  ttwd.

 While our struggles are as diverse as the couples who live ttwd, some tend to run through many.Consistency on BOTH sides of the coin comes to mind.  It can be a pretty typical conversation on any given day among the women of ttwd. I have come to believe a number of struggles seem to mask themselves as consistency.  Have you ever wondered, 'why now?  Why is consistency and issue after all this time?'  or " why has his/her approach changed after all this time"?  To me the struggle may APPEAR to be consistency, and obviously to a degree it is, but really it might only be the symptom not the cause.

Let me give you an example from our lives.  Last autumn I had an experience.  I am not entirely sure how to explain it really.  In the interest of keeping this brief, and not to bore those who have already read about it, I reached a new 'level' within myself.  I felt wonderful and free.  I did however seem to need my husband more than ever.  I know sounds like such a contradiction.  Anywho.  I felt amazing, a little off balance in someways at times when I felt things were moving us away from my wonderful feeling-my husband?  Well he felt pretty good too, and then he didn't.  He didn't because my reactions seemed to hurt seem to echo those reactions and emotions that I had experienced at the start of ttwd years earlier.    Of course being the 'long time' Dders that we were, why would we communicate?  LOL.

As time went on, my husband seemed to drift away from me.  It actually became a very big issue for us.  We did eventually talk about it, but our conversations only seemed to scratch the surface.  One of the things he did say (eventually) was that it was my reactions  he feared.  Naturally I was insulted.  He thought I was irrational? Eventually he said it was his fear of hurting me with his words that had him withdrawing.  Over and over again we discussed this.  Over and over again we believed we made progress.  Over and over again we fell flat on our faces.

I kept thinking, why doesn't he just go back to doing what he used to do?  There were a few times when he really stepped things up in the D/s department.  Those times we seemed to be heading right back to the place I longed for.  The Dd aspect (ie punitive measures) still seemed to be in tact.  In fact if I said it once, I said it a hundred times, the Wilma from 4 years ago would have been over the moon with the consistency of punishments ( well you know what I mean!) we have now.  That Wilma however is long gone.  Don't get me wrong, punishments have their place in our relationship, but it is the other aspects of D/s, the between that keep me where I need to be.

You see at the surface this is a matter of consistency.  Why does he not consistently demand 'his things' anymore?  Why won't he just tell me to xyz like he used to?  Why is he..........COASTING? Ahhhhhhhh but there is the real question...WHY???  He isn't being consistent for a reason.  WHAT is that reason?  I'm not a slow  person, I knew that.  I asked him many, many times, " what has happened?  Why have you changed?  Why does it seem like you forget our conversations? Why can you seemingly have no issue in punishing me, SEVERELY , yet telling me to submit in other ways no longer enters your mind?" ( yes , yes a lot of YOU statements). Aside from the " I am afraid of your reactions" I got nothing from him.  And before you start blasting me, I worked very, very hard at changing.  Too hard actually I began to suppress again.

While Dd still continued in our house the more D/s aspects came and went.  And even when there were 'here' they were not like they used to be.  Sure there were pockets of them, times that gave me great hope we would return....but then poof!

The whys are not really my story to tell, and in part Barney is still working a great deal of them out in his mind.  Suffice to say a small aspect ( or maybe a large ) had to do with his acceptance of him enjoying his role as Dominant.  Before it was for MY benefit...and then the benefit of our some of it is strictly for his.  He said " Ttwd has put a mirror in front of me and I don't always like what I see".  At first he used to say  it was because he realized he was selfish ( he's not).  As time has gone on, we have talked more about this and it has a great deal to do with his acceptance of himself and his like of certain aspects of D/s.  Trust me when I tell you this is still very much a work in progress.

All this to say, while consistency appeared to be the cause, it really was not the root of the issue.  It was a symptom of his personal struggle, and still continues to be. Some things aren't as easy to figure out or over come anymore like ( I remember )they used to be the first year or two of ttwd.

A great deal of this I wrote about , but then stopped for fear of sounding like a broken record.  In all honesty I felt like people would be thinking, "oh for goodness sake what is she whining about this time?" or " why can't she just be happy with what she has?"  or, " maybe she should except that this isn't him?" .  The truth is none of those things going through my mind at the time should have been.  I think many of us fall into that trap, doing the thinking for others that is. I knew in my heart then as I do now that I wasn't whining. I was genuinely perplexed, this IS him. I have seen it.  I have seen him flourish in it, and I don't have to accept what isn't completed.  We have gotten to the point in our relationship where I know it is possible.  I have felt it.  He has witnessed it. We just needed to get to a place where we both can embrace it again-guilt free.

So then why did I stop writing?  I don't know.  All I do know, when I talked to friends about different aspects of our struggles in conjunction with theirs, more often than not I hear, " why doesn't anyone write about this?"  or " I thought we were the only ones who dealt with this"  or " that makes sense, I never thought of that".  When I boldly suggest they write, I often hear, " So I can hear, 'it will all work out', or versions of 'just be happy with what you have', 'communicate' or worse NOTHING at all.

I can't think of a greater comment on a post than, " I understand",  " you are not alone"   " you are normal", or a simple " thank you for sharing"  and then give a bit of your life to the blogger.  Show them you understand, that they aren't alone, that they are normal.  Bring it out into the open again.  That is how blogging used to be, and is still in some areas.  Embrace your struggles!  Share your struggles.  Be brave.  You are not alone, and you'll discover that.

As for the  second part of my initial statement, the women of ttwd,  I know many of them, and I have been there myself, cannot read in blogland or on forums when their relationship/dynamic seems to be on hold or struggling.  Many feel out of place.  Many long for what others have.  But I say Embrace The Struggle Ladies...and write.  Write for yourself and write for others.  Because I can guarantee you for every happy 'story' you read there are many behind that are struggling or have had a similar struggle.( And I am by no means not saying to share the happy, but if you share the struggles your happy becomes a community triumph... we are great cheerleaders!).

 There is NO shame in struggling.  It means you are not staying stagnant, even if it feels like you are going backward. It means you need more from your partner, your relationship or yourself.  That is not a bad thing.  It isn't failure on anyone's part.  It is growth!

The Poster Child of Dysfunctional D/s ..LOL


  1. WOW...I am going to have to come back and read this again...maybe a few times. But do know how to write a post that needs writing. I have often thought that consistence (yes it is vitally important....and in my case I have to admit that He is better at consistence than I am), often is the easy word, or thought or action to blame when things are not right or when there is a struggle. I love you responses...they make me think, and often smile. We should take a lesson from that...and I should be the first one in line. We all struggle at is like that. It is comforting to know we have company...blogging does that nicely.
    hugs abby

    1. Hi abby!

      I like how you 'confessed' that he is better at consistency than you are. I believe, even though your Master seems rarely to falter ( but of course you have been working out the kinks -lol- for many, many years now) that many women are unable/unwilling to see that they need to be consistent too. I know I fell into this 'trap' at the start at least. ( We shall NOT bring Barney into this conversation to see if this is still true LOL). When you think about it it really is sort of funny to actually say, " Well I broke this rule and that rule and he did nothing!" Um so WHO exactly is being inconsistent here?

      Anyway I agree, we all do struggle at times ( some of us more than others). There is no shame in that (most times..LOL). Who doesn't struggle in relationships with others, whether it be ttwd, 'vanilla' relationships, parent-child, extended family, neighbours. I fully believe if you don't have struggles at times then truly you are not totally invested in that relationship. Oh maybe that is a controversial statement! For me if what someone says or does, doesn't affect me that means I don't really care about how they feel toward me. This is all I meant by that. In relation to my relationship with my husband, in the past I didn't 'care' because I wanted to keep the peace; because I just wanted to BE the relationship I had in my head on the outside. It was for show, because it was 'easier' that way. Now, well now I have to undo all those layers. Some I didn't even know where there. Yup, struggling is WAY better in the long run!

      For us, it has led to a lot of heartache and tears, but also some off the chart moments of connection. I won't settle for less any more. I won't just accept. Struggles be damned we can be better and we will always strive to find that way, no matter how much hurt comes before!

      Good Lord this is like another damn post! LOL


  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  3. Following comments here, too. :)

    1. (copied and pasted...LOL)

      MistyJuly 14, 2016 at 7:58 PM
      I agree!

      My husband stuggles...I've tried not to cover that up, but I haven't been open about it either. I feel weird talking about it because that's his story, not mine. Does that make sense?

      Nevertheless, you know I like to keep it real. :)

      It is so nice to see you posting!

    2. Yes I understand what you are saying. And there is a fine line between writing to help yourself and others and 'complaining' about your spouse. Whenever I have shared our stumbles Barney has read the post first and said it was okay to share. That being said he will also say, " I don't LIKE reading what I have here, but what can I say, it is the truth".

      He knows that there aren't many male bloggers, there used to be a few. Because of the ones who used to be more active, even if it was through their wife's blogs, he realizes it is important to share, as he benefited greatly knowing other men weren't the perfect Dom all the time either.

      I guess it is all a case of how much out of our comfort zone we are able to go. Mind you there are times I DRAG him out kicking and screaming! I think maybe for us it is a bit easier because we started blogging at a time where this corner of blog land seemed so diverse. A time when we exposed ourselves warts and all. I know you keep it real Misty, and that is why I so love reading your posts. For me the benefits of blogging came because I feel I laid it out there~ to the detriment of a few things perhaps, but I wouldn't change a thing! I wouldn't be here ( in our relationship) if I didn't have people giving me a helping hand or a kick in the ass!

      Not sure how often I will keep posting, but who knows? Maybe this will become a 'thing' again for me!


  4. (copied and pasted again..this time from Amy)
    Eric51 Amy49July 15, 2016 at 1:14 AM
    I'm so glad you are writing again and sharing again. You have experience, yes. You also have amazing insight, not just in your own writing but in what you pull out from the rest of our blogs. Your comments always make me think and as I've said, half the time I believe you are a full blown psychologist and I should be paying you by the hour. The other half of the time, I'd swear you'd been talking to Eric. Right on Willie; consistently. :) Anyway, it's not just me. You do the same in your comments on other blogs I follow. Thank you, on behalf of all of us who benefit from your experience. Amy

    1. Well thank you for the LoveFest Amy! LOL. I enjoy reading blogs with people and stories I can connect with. As I told you before, I'm no psychologist, just 'been there, done that' with most struggles that people face with ttwd ( well except maybe TOO much consistency...LOL).

      You have come so far with yourself in this past year. I know from experience, that many more struggles will be found ahead, but that is all part of the process. The deeper you go, the more you unearth, and have to face, and then peace again. I mean that is if you choose to! Which I have no doubt you do, and Eric does. Guess I am saying *Embrace the Struggle*, it is worth it!

  5. Hi Willie,

    Wow, this is such a great and insightful post, you always give me food for thought. We all struggle and often feel we are the only one, but the fact is, many of us struggle with the same things. Sharing our struggles lets us know we are not alone.

    Love what you said about consistency being a symptom rather than a cause. There is often some other issue behind the lack of consistency.

    Thank you for sharing your's and Barney's experience. I don't think we hear a lot about the struggles our men sometimes face with ttwd, yet they do as much as we do. I think many of our men share the same struggle as Barney when tttwd becomes for them too (so to speak) and not just for their significant other.

    Love and hugs

    1. Hi Roz, long time no 'speak'.

      I can't tell you how many times friends have said to me, "But I feel like I am writing the same thing over and over again". As another friend said to me, " Yes but I think that is just the way it is for many couples. We do struggle with the same issues" . I guess I can't disagree. I will say that the issues maybe are similar, but there is no doubt always a different twist, or maybe less/more emotion surrounding each situation.

      I think possibly by sharing, someone else may be able to offer a fresh insight as they have recently tackled something similar and are in a better place because of it. Who knows? If nothing else you do get to 'hear' you are not alone, and falling is not the same as failing! ( If only we can remember that during!!! LOL)

      Love willie

  6. Sheesh what is it with my private readers commenting on my public blog? LOL. This is from Janey ( welcome back Janey!)

    JaneyJuly 27, 2016 at 1:43 PM
    Thank you for this Willie, just wish I'd have read it a couple of weeks ago!
    I try to write about the good, the bad and the ugly, but I have this feeling too that people will think I'm just moaning or going on about the same old thing. There's only so many times people can write "I hope H gets better soon" it's slow progress, not just the flu and I think people will get fed up. I get fed up with me!
    But you're right about consistency being a symptom I think. Plus as much as I can blame him or our situation, I know I'm not too consistent in my reactions or submission either.
    I cope when I need to and hide from him despite being told from numerous people that if I tell him how I feel sometimes it gives him something else to feel, to focus on and that's good for him too
    I think that much of of the time I (we.) have a great understanding of the theory, it just stalls when putting it into practice.
    Keep writing please xx

    1. I understand completely Janey. Illness and/or chronic pain, teenage angst, job stress, in-laws, etc..etc.. they are difficult things to put aside at the best of times, let alone when they seem to come at you in a constant flow. LORDY how I know!

      Lately I am finding it more and more challenging to embrace my submissive side, as times like these seem to be never ending around here. I truly miss that side of me when I am unable to put *myself* there.

      I'll be around no doubt again soon. Thanks for stopping by Janey! So great to have you 'back' ! I missed you


  7. Hey Willie,
    Thanks for sharing. My mind is always back and forth with this whole dynamic depending on what my hormones are doing at any given time so it's hard to know how to comment. I guess I can just say I understand.


    1. Hi Paige

      I wish I could pinpoint my feelings toward ttwd at times to horror moans! I do remember the days where I waffled with how I felt toward ttwd. It is very difficult to 'find yourself' and what that means within this framework, if your framework is back and forth as well. I suppose though it is one of those scenarios, 'which came first, the chicken or the egg'. Am I unsure of this dynamic because of how I feel, or do I feel this way because my dynamic is unsure. Good luck figuring that out for yourself!