Monday, August 1, 2016

Life Through the Rear View Mirror.





In the interest of putting my money where my mouth is, based on my last post at least, I will share what has been happening around Bedrock for the last while.  I initially wrote this post on our private blog ( as in really private~ just Barney and I have access, unless I email it to a few unlucky girlfriends..LOL).  Before you start to read what I wrote, I will let you know that Barney has already read this (that should save you from telling me to share it with him...snort).



I had no real intention of sharing this post publicly, but recently I ended up being engaged in a rather heated debate with another 'blogger' over something they said.  As some of you may know/remember, I was once a co-owner of a 'subs group'.  A place where many of us could go and gather support and advice from other women, without the watchful eyes of the public. We also promoted other blogs and sent out notices to each other to go and visit a 'struggling' woman's blog (whether she was a member or not) to offer our support.  Anyway, during the 2 years this subs group was around, there were too many times when women would read another person's post and ( most likely because of where they were NOT in their relationship) felt they were all wrong when it came to ttWEd. There were far too many times, where we as a collective group had to pick women up because of the cruel judgment of another submissive and their self righteous writings.   The post I read the other day had so many elements of 'you should be ashamed of yourself if you don't...."  Please don't misunderstand, there are plenty of things we all do, especially me, that I really shouldn't have/do-things that have chipped away at my relationship/dynamic.  This post did not point out things to look out for. It started off as her story and changed to judging others.  As my girlfriend said, this woman is a 'right' person.  A person who claims to be in a great place with her dynamic and therefore has all the answers ( I beg to differ, if a person in in a great place I don't believe they feel the NEED to tell everyone how to be...but I digress.  LOL).



ANYWHO, basically I decided to swallow my pride and get more personal than I have for a while, and let you all 'in'.  I decided in essence I suppose to be vulnerable to you. Why?  Because sometimes life really does SUCK, as my favourite person recently said.  There are various levels of suckiness, and various emotions that go with each situation, but life can SUCK.  When that happens, at least here, we sometimes struggle to 'see' the ones we are closest too.  That in turn seems to upset that proverbial apple cart.  This is one of those times ( and yes +Ashley Lee  this is LONG).


Life Through The Rear View Mirror


Over the years I have written countless posts, too many to be reasonable, about feeling 'off'.  Wrote posts about our dynamic, missing my life, etc..etc. A little over a year ago I was in excruciating pain. I don't like to think of myself as some uber pain embracer,  but according to various doctors over the years I have a 'poor perception of pain'~ whatever that means.  Anyway I was in this pain, which at times still plagues me, but I learned to deal with it.  I learned to cope with it and move on.  Truthfully it isn't anything as horrible as fibromyagia or countless other chronic pain.  Now it is more an annoyance than anything.  Actually just part of my life in many ways, that I don't often give it a thought.

My point about that is back when I was in the height of this, I wrote about missing my life.  I laugh now at how things have changed.


While the seeds of some of the drama unfolding around me were most definitely well planted back then, the tangled, choking vine had yet to really grow.  Back then I missed my life, today I wonder how the hell my life got to this point.

 There is a danger when viewing life through the rear view mirror. Due to its size details are left out.  What we decide to focus on might not include some of the smaller intricacies. As well, what I focus on and what someone else's eyes are drawn to can very well be different though we seem to be travelling in the same vehicle.

I know at the moment that is what is happening all around me.  I see it with our son, who 95% of the time refuses to focus on where he has come from, and what he has overcome.  Worst of all I see it with my husband.  He has the ability to see it with our son, but has lost us somewhere in the process- out of focus is what we have over come.

When we started ttwd, there was one area that I said I would NEVER give up control of.  One area where I would always remain an equal partner.  That area was and is our children.  Barney does take care of many of the main components with our kids~ doctor's appointments ( they are all teenage boys so really they don't want me there anyway), teacher's interviews ( really not a good place for me) etc.  However decisions surrounding them, major ones we are at the very least 50/50 if not 70/30 on my part.  Why?  Because for 15 years it was me on deck as he works long hours.  I am here more than he is and up until recently at least, I could relate differently to them,see them and their motives or what they weren't saying a little easier than he can.  All of this is 'great' until one of them decides to take a detour from the average life.  Being the one who is here more often than not some how has me becoming the verbal punching bag.  Being the one who normally placates situations becomes the voice that not only falls on deaf ears but becomes the source of all the issues~ apparently.

That is all well and good.  I am a mother, I didn't just sign up for  cookies and crayons.  They tell you the teen years are difficult, but until you have 'one of them' you can't possibly grasp what that truly can mean. I am at the point when my son is 'in a mood' that I no longer recognize him.  I am now also at a point when I have been pushed to my limit that I no longer recognize myself.



When I lay in bed at night I look in the rear view mirror and instead of seeing road kill I see the sun setting behind a beautiful landscape, memories of a wonderful 'day' that no longer exists.  The heat of the sun, the light of it, fading quickly behind what once was green hills, now fading to black mounds.  It leaves me cold and sad.

Life has a way of being cruel.  I am not suggesting my life is horrible.  I have so many, many things to be grateful for.  I realize so many people, people I know and love who experience true hell every morning.  I can still hope for another beautiful day in a few hours.  It is just that I wish sometimes my husband would put a blanket around my shoulders and remind me that tomorrow is another day.  Or maybe I wish that I could see him doing that.

Perhaps that is the problem at the moment, sporadically  he tries to bring warmth but I am so locked away I refuse to embrace it. I am too afraid to shuffle my weight in his direction because I am unsure how long he can hold me up.  He is suffering too, and on top of our home life he has work to contend with as well.  I try to make life run smoothly around here so he doesn't have to worry at work.  He tries to make things run smoothly around here when he is not at work, but there is no *us* because of all our trying.

I am not suggesting that ttwd is the answer during this time, (it has been around too, although limping) I certainly don't want to add to the stress of the household.  I feel so incredibly selfish for saying, I'd just like to be seen though.  I'd like to be seen more than the one who 'messes' with our son's head.  I'd like to be seen and heard.  I'd like to be asked how I am actually 'doing'.



I truly believe, though some days it is more difficult than others, I can handle just about anything thrown my way, on my own if need be.  What I can't handle is this being lost once the dust settles for a moment.  Daily I float away, and bringing myself back is getting more and more difficult as time passes. We are tethered together Barney and I,but currently it feels like our tether is fraying to the point where it is thread bare.  I have mentioned this, and he acknowledges it, that is where our conversations seem to end, or turn out for the worse not better.  I suppose one issue in the house is all we can focus on.  I was of the mindset that a strong couple would at least have something tangable to be grateful for at the end of the day.  However trying to maintain or rather achieve that doesn't seem possible.  I suppose there isn't enough energy left~ my greatest fear is there will soon be nothing left if we don't find the energy.  I fear our time is running out.



Today I will try to look straight ahead and focus on the horizon, watch the sun come up and hope for a great day, hell a stable one would be nice.  I still have to look in the rear view mirror however, as that is where I last saw me.







26 comments:

  1. Willie I can understand how you feel about losing yourself. Everything in us is focused on the issue that is disrupting our lives and our spouse is also fully focused on it. In the meantime no one is focusing on my needs. I can feel pushed aside, neglected and extremely needy. I can rationalize that my spouse is doing his best to be all and do all but while I tend to his and everyone else's needs, I stand alone. Forgotten.

    This time will pass. It is another of the many hills we have to climb. Staying strong, communicating our needs - always always communicating, can help keep that tether from snapping. The peak of this hill may seem out of sight but by taking one step
    At a time, one day at a time, we will reach it and once again be on the downhill slope toward the valley of peace and contentment.

    You are an amazing woman. Barney recognizes it. Hold on tight to that tether. It helps keep us who we are.

    Hugs and prayers your struggle will end soon.

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  2. I don't know if you'll believe me or not, but before I published this post this morning, you came to mind. For some unknown reason I have actually been thinking about you a lot in the past month or so. You have entered my mind in a way similar to " I wonder what ever happened to Lady Brittney". As I am no longer on forums, I wasn't sure if you still had some sort of online presence in the community.

    I hope that your understanding of how I felt in this post is only a memory for you now. Feeling alone and forgotten are horrible emotions. I am not entirely sure if I feel those things at the moment. I used to feel alone quite often. I can't tell you why that has changed. Perhaps I have just given up on not feeling that way during this difficult time and resigned myself to standing alone (in our relationship). I suppose I would say at times I don't feel important enough. Which sound incredibly selfish considering the energy it takes to deal with life outside of our relationship at the moment.

    Mostly I would say I feel trapped. I have continually, without harping (I hope) communicated my needs, or my feelings to my husband, and things 'basically' remain the same. I feel like I have no way of getting out of this place we are in currently. I am at the mercy of others. That being said, I am not giving up, mostly because I have no choice in the matter.

    I know some day things will be better one way or another. I just don't know who is going to be waiting for me looking in the mirror when it does.

    Thank you so much for stopping by Lady Brittany. It has been far too long since we have heard your 'voice' around here.

    willie

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    1. Willie, I read your blog every time you post and I guess you might say I lurk more than participate as I often fear too much how people will view me. Honestly it's more if others will judge me unworthy. Sad I know and every once in a while I vernier out of my comfort zone. Something about you resonates in me. I feel so many of your issues deeply.

      Enough about me except to say the only forums I am participating in these days are A Dimestic Discipline Society and Bob and Friends. After the situation I ran into on Discupline and Love I haven't had courage to return there but maybe I'll be brave and try it sometime. Missed talking to you.

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    2. Please don't be afraid to comment here, trust me all the ladies, and the few men that read here are wonderful people ( that is why they are here!). Listen, even if your relationship with ttwd is not where you want it to be currently, that doesn't mean you can't draw on your experience as a wife in a long standing relationship. After all the heart of ttwd is the betterment of self and our relationships. In addition to that, there are people who read and comment here that are not in ttwd relationships. I enjoy all sorts of perspectives. In fact often ones of dissent often have me thinking and that generally isn't a bad thing.

      Bob is such a wonderful man, his is a great place to frequent in my opinion. If you want to chat with me drop me a line at wilma.rubble@gmail.com. I'd love to catch up!

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    3. ***********except don't use that email...It isn't mine...clearly I'm an idiot! wilmabarney@gmail.com***********

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  3. I am so sorry my sweet friend. I wish I had something more to offer today than my prayers. I have those.

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    1. Don't you dare worry about me right now. Concentrate on yourself and relaxing PLEASE.

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  4. All I can offer at the moment is a HUG...and thank you for sharing. I have been where you are, I know how difficult a place it is....
    hugs abby

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  5. Hi abby

    Oh dear, I don't know what I thought when I wrote this, well I guess I was just initially sharing with my husband. I didn't really mean to have a great deal of worry from others come my way. I just wanted to share because I suspect, as even you said, I am not the only one who has had a major issue play into their relationship in a way they couldn't seem to shake out.

    Thanks abby

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  6. Willie, whilst I cannot truly say that I know how you feel because I do not know the ins and outs of your and your family's particular circumstances, I do have an understanding of how it can be to juggle the mother bit. I'm on the front line with our boys too (although I've always done the teacher consultations too, usually alone, comes with being a teacher!) However, my experience in education, looking after other people's children and advising their parents doesn't seem to earn me any credit with my own boys or my husband for that matter who thinks I let them walk all over me because I don't (often) scream at them and demand answers on the spot, but give them some space to eventually answer.
    You have said to me on other occasions that decisions over the children and parenting in general can be one of the biggest causes of strife and upset in the home. They are here! They can open up gulfs between husband and wife. They can leave me feeling alone and completely misunderstood.
    I'm sorry, I don't have the answer but I do have some inkling of where you are coming from. You will (must) move on from here and things will change to a point where you can look back in a detached way. Just keep on plodding through the thick mud now!

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  7. Hi Janey.

    I guess I should clarify a couple of things, I think the stress between Barney and I is not helped by the tension in the house. It is very distracting. For the most part, with the exception of a couple of weeks ago we are generally on the same page. A couple of weeks ago the roles were reversed though. I am normally the no nonsense one with the boys, and Barney offers a gentler approach, this flipped, and then flipped back again.

    Truthfully though there seems to be one thing or another that comes up as soon as we start to feel a bit more secure again with *us*. That being said, ONE of us seems to be more challenged as of late *cough* not me *cough* when it comes to ttwd. Finding his/our groove gets increasingly more complicated when we let the other distractions take over, even when they aren't in immediate need of our attention. To me that is the most frustrating part. We are trying our best with our son, but ultimately it is up to him. I just wish I *felt* as much effort was put into us at the moment too.

    Nevertheless, thank you for the encouragement Janey. It helps to know I am not alone with these feelings.

    willie

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  8. Hi Willie, I'm joining in offering huge ((hugs)) and love. I'm glad you have shared this with Barney. Hang on to that tether my dear friend. It's so hard when you are both focussed on a major issue, it tends to consume and take away from 'us'.

    Love and hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hey Lady

      Yes I did share this with Barney. The take away from that conversation? " That was very well written". Okay then. The issue is definitely complicating things that is for sure, but I wouldn't say it was the overall issue. At least not in my mind. Oh well.

      And what is with you and the HUG???? You know darn well that is off limits! *wink*

      love
      w

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  9. What I would give to come up there and help fight this battle with you! I know each person must battle at some level on their own and hope that win peace arrives that there is still enough of a foundation to build on. I just wish I could do something to help, other than think of you and pray for you.

    I think your plan to look at the horizon is very good. I wonder if that rear view mirror should be torn off the windshield and tossed out the window. I like to believe that everybody is better in the future even though the path to the future can suck with such suckiness that what you thought sucked in the past actually was a gentle breeze...I was going to say blows but that just didn't sound right... ;-)Is there a good antonym for suck? That isn't as bad as sucking? But I digress...

    I know you will hold on and use that tether to get back to each other. I'll be here for anything you may need!

    Cygnet

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    1. Hey Cygnet,

      Normally I would agree with you about the rear view mirror, but not this time. I really do need it to remember what life was like, but more over what *I* was like. I am feeling a bit lost in the process here. Not sure if the person in the mirror will return or not, but I hope some day she will.

      Yes you should come and visit. Lots of little birds on my back deck for you to observe! Boring birds, but you know ;) But seeing how you can't, I'll take your prayers.

      Thanks friend.
      willie

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  10. There are times in life when mere survival is at the forefront, when circumstances are such that one issue/problem/etc. is all encompassing, when there is no emotional energy left for anything else. Ask me how I know. I don't know how long you've been feeling this way, but I can relate to the feelings you expressed here. I won't bother to go into details in this comment, but if you want to talk more, you know where & how to find me. It wasn't long ago at all that I felt like we were just trying to claw our way out of the darkness ... and once we could start to see a faint bit of light, I was afraid to embrace it for fear it would remain out of reach. Things are much better now, and I'm very thankful for that, though it's still a long way from where I'd like things to be. For us, there was too much upheaval and heartbreak in too short a period of time and it has taken it's toll. These days I thank God every morning for a new day ... but I still don't always look at TimeHop (in the review mirror essentially) because looking back at all the happy memories from years ago can sometimes break my heart about where things are today. It is what it is ... and I try to focus on all I have to be thankful for (though I don't always succeed). I'm sorry things are the way they are for you right now, Willie. And I hope and pray things start to get a whole lot better very soon! Hang in there! (((hugs)))

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  11. I'm sorry you understand Lilli ( though I still really want to call you Grace ;) ). Like I said to someone earlier, misery in this case really doesn't like company. I am too am afraid to be hopeful, yet I can't live a life of despair either. Cautiously optimistic perhaps?

    Stepping away from our son and his issues, I really believe I just need my husband back. I miss him and I know he misses me and US. We have moments, days even where we are that to each other, but sadly life seems determined to snuff that. I am not one for giving up quickly, though I sure say it often enough! LOL....so I know eventually we will be okay. What okay is going to look like, well that is to be determined.

    Thanks for sharing a bit here Lilli. It means a lot to know we are not so abnormal in our struggles, and it also gives us hope!

    willie

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  12. Contrary to what you may think, this is the most important- not crappy ; ) post for me to come in on......

    As you and I get to know each other I think we are going to find a common theme about us. I (dare I say, we) are realists. When I post or comment it is not from the ideals I KNOW to be true...it is not a parade of the perfection that is sprinkled throughout my life (makes for a short post sometimes!)...I post and comment where I am truly at. For better AND for worse.

    This time last year was a solid few months of unending darkness, sadness, and pain for me. It reflected in my blog. It needed to. And, as the dust settled, I was surprised at some of those who skipped out on my struggle. But NOTHING compared to the integrity of those who stayed in the shit pit with me. Those blog friends, who valued the life my Man and I share, and not just the sexy time we have, remind me everyday why I am in this community.

    **in walks the reason this makes complete sense that this is my introduction post to "Barney Married Wilma".**

    A few observations...
    The fact that you can see the change , see what's missing, and express your fear and sense of loss means a few things to me. You have expectations, honest expectations, of the life you and Barney share. Nothing says "I love you" quite like saying "I miss you/us". Wanting to be seen and acknowledged is a fair expectation for both sides...HOH/Dom and subs alike.

    Sharing this with Barney...goes without saying (but here goes), is the best thing you could do with this post. The source of our healing is sometimes the same source of our pain. This is life...for better or worse. Glazing over or ignoring the pain does not mean it isn't there...it only means you are doing nothing about it.

    Sharing this with us blog friends...should never go without saying (so here goes), is the second best thing you could do with this post. The reality of life is not just the easy/good/fun/sexy/perfection that is displayed in the amazing fictional reads we have access to. That would not help you. That would not help Barney. And, that would not help the anonymous reader/blogger who feels alone in her/his struggle and is searching for anyone with imperfections in this lifestyle.

    Your honesty and your decision to go out in that limb and share this post mean a great deal. It couldn't have been an easy decision for you. It is a decision that will allow the opportunity for change, and that's all we can really ask for sometimes.

    Thanks for the invite Willie, I am happy to be in your circle.

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Hi Pearl

      And WELCOME!!! Thank you for your reassurance and kind words. I really do agree that sharing the negative, the scary, the not so pretty, the emotional is equally important if not more so than just the rainbows and unicorns. Behind the scenes I know so many women who suffer in silence ( and there is no judgment there), because they are afraid of the responses or worse the lack of responses to their putting themselves out there. I have to confess, that part still terrifies me a bit, but I plug on. LOL

      I whole heartily agree with your statement, "Glazing over or ignoring the pain does not mean it isn't there...it only means you are doing nothing about it." For years I glazed over pain, and if anything I will take away from ttwd, no matter where we land is that fact. Pain has to go somewhere. It doesn't disappear if you don't face it. It just manifests itself in less controlled, unpredictable and very destructive ways. Giving a voice to the pain doesn't guarantee it will go away, but ignoring it does guarantee that it won't.

      I am truly sorry that you had many dark months last year, though your words surrounding making it through are encouraging, when very little else is. I understand completely what you mean by those sticking by you in the shit pit! Thank God for those few, who are there willing, not just around viewing!!!

      Welcome to the 'circle'? LOL

      willie

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  13. I am sitting here, kind of blinking my way back so as to formulate a clear thought. When I first started reading your post about bloggers and how they think that their way is the right way, well honestly, I worried that it was me. So I went and deleted my posts on rules in a dd relationship. I don't want anyone to think that I think I know everything. As you already know, I don't know much.

    And then the tears came. It's a good thing that I am not wearing make up today... I feel your pain and I feel your worries. I have never been in your shoes, exactly, but my life parallels yours when it is about our sons. Grrrrr. I just take out their baby books and remember how cute and sweet they were, it keeps me from moving away and not giving them a forwarding address.

    You and Barney are going to make it through this. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's hard to know what is the right thing is to do, it's hard to (think) know what you want from Barney, it's hard to keep all of your relationships (friends, family, ttwd, etc) going. BUT - I promise you, there is a light at the end of the table.
    I saw this little quote (don't know who said it) "If what's ahead scares you and what's behind hurts you, just look above, He never fails to help you". I have live this and I am still living this. Hang in there and don't ever give up. Re-prioritize, reorganize, and come back with the two of you as one. Love ya

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    1. Hey Stranger

      Good grief woman it wasn't you. You should trust our friendship enough by now to know that I would TELL you if I thought you were being a no-it-all...LOL. Of course we are both in the same boat, knowing we actually no nothing that is!

      Yes I know our lives do seem to run parallel at times, I've actually drawn strength from that knowledge and some of the tough love you dished out, I too have embraced. I believe our son will eventually make it out of the fog he's currently in. I have no choice but to believe that.

      As for Barney and I ? Well I did take a vow, that includes 'til death do us part. Happily ever after isn't always the guarantee, but some version of contentment will hopefully fall into place eventually.

      Nice to see you around, though I'm sorry you deleted posts and cried because of this one!

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    2. we *know nothing...sheesh I hate when I do that!

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  14. Ah, the right people. Yah, you do you and I'll do me.
    Pain is the cruelest weaver of all and is so awesome at changing our perceptions and generally throwing a wrench in our thoughts and plans and existences.
    You know, refusing to focus on where one has come from and what one has overcome, can work in one's favour...personally I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning if I let myself think of where I sprung from and all the things I overcome--in some ways, that's a lot of pressure to contend the day-to-day with.
    Ha! I am comforted by not being the only mama not to go to the dr office! I figure the offspring should go with the one who believes in that convention. But also, He likes doing that. Some would say, that's an awful lot of control for the husband to have.
    Sounds like that teenager is taking a lot from you! It would make sense that maybe, you have the need to replenish more or differently.
    The need to be seen and heard, is valid. You need that. That's not a selfish request. Maybe it would help to define how to fill that need, tough one to track down, I find.
    I so get having one issue that eats up all of your time and resources and energy and focus! Its a band aid, but could you call a truce? "For five minutes we aren';t going to speak of this big, elephant that's sucking the life out of us, let's watch Netflix instead". We have found, the more we could take our attention away, from our elephant, even for moments at a time, the more other stuff started to sneak its way back in and eventually coexisted with the big *really ugly* elephant.
    I so get this. Its like you have been in my head.
    I hear you.
    Thanks for sharing with me.
    x

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  15. Welcome Bleue!

    Sadly this is both wonderfully accurate, and well frustratingly so! "Pain is the cruelest weaver of all and is so awesome at changing our perceptions and generally throwing a wrench in our thoughts and plans and existences. "

    I like your truce idea. I have said to Barney on more than one occasion, that Heir to the Throne is out, or fine or whatever, let's talk about something else for a change. Or asked him to not bring him into the moment. Honestly though, our son while challenging at the moment ( at times) is only one thing that seems to draw us away from us. THE BIGGEST ELEPHANT if you will, but only one.

    Okay, so I'll get out of your head now! Thanks for stopping by Bleue!!
    willie

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  16. WOW! You know why I love you? You are so honest, not making everything Sexy & Pretty. It can be Ugly & really ugly. Your honesty makes me know I am "normal" well as normal as I can be. We all Wait let me rephrase that. I have struggles Lee & I struggle at different times mostly because of something that needs our attention more than we need one another's. That in itself can cause a Mess in my head, but just knowing other's experience the not so Sexy & Pretty almost Perfect TTWD makes me feel well better. I am sorry for anyone that goes through a difficult period, I also believe in those periods each one of them, (we have had many) We Grow! When I look back I can see a lot of growth and that is satisfying. Did you see how much I wrote? WooHoo!
    honey

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    1. Oh geez, I thought you had commented on my newer post..LOL.

      I must say I am happy that you love me because I am honest, otherwise I think you'd have hung up on me too many times to be socially acceptable otherwise! *snort*

      Partnerships in general can be really ugly at times, throw in the uber emotions that start leeching out with ttwd, and YIKES! As you and I both know it isn't all unicorns and rainbows. It would be fantastic if it was, but then again probably not. I say probably not because it is through our struggles that we grow. It would be nice however to not have to grow so MUCH at once, don't you think? lol.


      I love this quote by the way, "I have struggles Lee & I struggle at different times mostly because of something that needs our attention more than we need one another's." Something needs our attention more than we need one anothers, SO TRUE. That is life. That is real. An idealist in ttwd may say that we should always give our attention to the other partner first, and we will be stronger for it, but realistically it doesn't, nor should it work that way all the time. I am perfectly okay with that, it is just after those times, I need it to return back to status quo immediately! Not too demanding am I? lol

      And listen here, lady, life might not always be sexy and pretty, but we are! Bwahahaaa...okay maybe after some wine ;)

      ( I hope my answer was longer than your comment!)

      willie

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