Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Beating, The Beautiful and The Beast

Okay the money where my mouth is ladies.  You convinced me +Pearl N and Bleue.  First we have to head back in time, oh and grab a comfy seat for those of you that can sit down currently, I have a feeling this will be a long ramble. (Shocking I know!)

A couple of weeks ago, after our trip I was feeling off.  WAY off.  Part of it was due to the fact I perceived (and I still believe rightly so, but I'll leave it at that for now) that Barney was edging back to where we were before. Okay that is a bit of a blanket statement.  He wasn't BACK there but elements were starting to creep in. With that happening my insecurity was starting to build.  I did try to talk to him several times.  I even used phrases like, "I could be wrong but my perception is...".  He assured me I was wrong.  As the week went on, I kept giving him examples as to why I felt that way, his reactions or actions differed. He still contended that he felt the same.  What is a girl to do?  Well I am not sure what she is to do, I just know what happened here.  I imploded.

In the interest of trying to make this NOT as long, I'll give you bullet points


  • 'discussion' about how my perception vs reality might actually be pertinent
  • his point of 'it seems to happen so quickly' shot down by actual examples of how many times I tried to talk to him over the past week
  • then the hurt/brat arrived....outside at midnight by myself (crying but of course HE didn't show up to see that part...only me almost asleep~ so no brownie points there)
  • not literally following him inside or upstairs or anywhere for that matter after being told to
more of the same

Anyway that OBVIOUSLY led to a punishment.  Ah but the joys of having a child that is no longer in school and currently only works part time~ oh and a wife that was less than co-operative mentally gave us 3 false starts in as many days. ( I'll leave out the being punished for the same thing, not same action different days. SAME THING...which led to another mix up....ahhhhhhhhhh the learning curve, so much fun!)  After ALL of that was sort of cleared up, D-day Part Trois arrived.

I couldn't tell you why, as I haven't a clue but boy do I wish I had so I could replicate it again, but I was in a different mental space before the punishment even began.  Barney told me to go down into our storage/laundry room, strip and wait.  This is pretty standard procedure here.  I knew I was getting punished and then he was going to reset.  The latter having been pushed aside over the summer, sadly the former had not.  When I went into what I refer to the back room, I saw his/my? cuffs dangling from the rafters.  Okay this was new.  Immediately I thought of my arm, ( I have tendinitis and I am very wary of doing things that might give me set backs).  I had to evaluate in my own head/heart what my actually feelings were concerning this. Deciding that I was probably being fearful yet the possibility of trying to use that as a cover for control, I opted to just go with it.  After all if I couldn't manage any longer my husband would release me.

I don't recall his demeanor when he came in.  I suppose that would indicate that he wasn't much different than he normally is.  He was all business strapping my arms up and my ankles, shoulder width a part, ( that is typical as I have a tendency to flip up my feet~ yes the soles have been caned because of it, but damn, I'm not good at remembering in the moment).  Being restrained, even if the main reason is for safety has an effect on my mindset and my control, as I am sure it does for many.  Truthfully  I could unhook my 'cuffs'with little difficulty, with the flick of my thumbs, but it is the symbolism more than anything I suppose.

Okay, now for the stuff....LOL... Barney started wailing on me, with what I assumed was one of his canes.  I fair much better if I don't know what he is going to use.  I have a tendency to see, absorb and then control my pain because I know what is coming.  I KNOW, so not the point.  I am a work in progress when it comes to embracing it.  Before I continue, I should point out for those who haven't been here since the beginning, I am a bit of a bleeder ( a BIT...bwahhaaa...I refer to Barney as Dexter).  It isn't that I am seriously injured, it is just that I have two spots the size of dimes on either cheek that tend to always bleed.  They heal so you see nothing, yet they are right back again with more impact.  They actually don't hurt at all. Though the blood running down my leg CAN be a bit of a distraction, for ME not for Dexter!


Okay so back to the beating...and yes it was a beating(though not abuse *wink*).  I have had spankings and trust me this is VERY different.  He did the usual spiel about why I was there and how he was tired of it...etc... etc.  I am not being dismissive, just illustrating that it wasn't out of the ordinary.  I on the other hand was not reacting the way I normally do.  I have a couple of  classic Willie responses, remorse being the IDEAL one, the other is anger.  Anger mostly due to the pain.  He is very fond of traveling down my legs during any kind of spanking. He claims it is due to lack of real estate. While I think that is sweet, I know it is just because he is MEAN...LOL .  This day he was very close to the back of my knees.  You know the part where those cordy things are?  I will admit any other day I would have probably freaked! This day, I said, " please be careful of..." Anger never entered the picture, um nor did remorse, but never mind that..LOL

(insert more lecture/beating/and dabbing of primary blood source with wipes....)

He then moved on to his reset.  Canes (thankfully) are not generally used during resets.  Don't breathe a sigh of relief for me however~ lol.   As Pearl pointed out in her post, he changes implements but the reset isn't any less severe than the punishment physically. As the reset began I became even more aware of myself.   I began trying to concentrate on what was happening, my body, my pain, his words (though that can be difficult).  I had just taken a shower, and my hair was still dripping.  My body was sweating,more like glistening...(always the lady).  I could feel the water and or sweat running down my back, into my cleft.  I could also feel the blood running down my legs, but you know, not as peaceful of a sensation, so I tried to ignore that.  My arms long since forgotten.  I was relaxing yet feeling the impact.  I wasn't drifting away, nor was I even thinking about subspace. I wouldn't have made it there in all likelihood as every once and a while he'd land a strike that had my eyes bugging out and my breath being sucked in.  Gone was the moving around.  I was suspended, not literally.  I was weightless.  In that moment for whatever reason, instead of the snorting beast I can normally feel like during a 'beating', I felt beautiful.  I can't explain why, but I did


It was during this time that Barney began to speak to me.  He began saying things I never thought my husband would say, so much so I never even consciously WISHED he'd say them.  He told me I was beautiful restrained like that before him.  He told me he not only wants my submission, he needs it, he desires it.  It allows him to be who he truly is.  (Now under any other circumstance, I would have said/thought 'come again? Who are you?' or I would have cried).  I just took this all in with the sensations that were going on.  Not sure why I feel I should mention this, but I wasn't feeling sexual at all (though that has happened countless times during or after a reset).  I was feeling very sensual however~ and for a woman who is about as sensual as Sally Field that is saying a lot!  

I was not entering subspace.  I will admit to dancing around it I believe, but there was no let down because I didn't enter it.  In that moment I was existing, but living all at the same time.  I was no longer there for me and my mindset, I was there for him.  Truthfully I didn't ever believe that day would come.  My submission would have been rated at its all time high that day, and it didn't mentally or emotionally cost me a thing.

Concerned about the speed in which the blood was flowing, Barney informed me that he would have to switch back to the cane.  I slowly shook my head, in a pleading manner.  He agreed.  The cane might have changed everything that day, or maybe not.  I do associate it with punishments (though they are not the exclusive implement for that, it only shows up during those times).

He unhooked me, wrapped me in a robe and held me.  Truthfully he held me up. 

 This is where my mind became very confused.  I knew I hadn't entered subspace, yet the similarities were shockingly there.  Something I had never experienced before, without subspace.  I began to wonder in my mind if I was constructing me responses and they were not genuine. ( Yeah I'm a novice).  I was once high on mushrooms with a group of friends in my early 20s.  Because I was apparently the runt of the litter that night I was only given half of what everyone else took.  They were completely 'gone' . I had the ability that night to embrace being high but I could also try and concentrate on staying sober-like having a foot in both worlds.  This is how I can best describe that day.  I decided to focus on the high.

Barney carried me upstairs, sounds so romantic doesn't it?  Sorry ladies, fairy tale illusions about to be shattered,I was over his shoulder.  He placed me on the bathroom floor and for some reason turned me around so my back was to the vanity mirror.  For a brief second I was 'sober'.  In my head I heard my voice yell " Oh My GOD!  You look like an extreme photo from Fetlife!"  I say in my head, because I was no where near ready or able to actually use my voice.  He then left me there. I know right? But you can put down the torches and pitch forks.  He had to clean up the back room because our son could be home any minute, and remember Dexter lives here.  I don't have the funds for that kind of on going therapy!

I started to shiver.  Slowly I walked toward the tub and began to fill it.  Even slower still I eased myself down.  All the while I was questioning my reality.   I sat there in a now slightly orange tinted tub of water, noticing the copper smell of blood. I questioned how I could I not be a masochist, if I felt such calmness after all of that.  Thoughts came and left my head quickly, yet slowly.  I know that doesn't make sense.  

My eyes felt huge, and I felt very childlike....vulnerable, 


yet ....yet.... I don't know the right word.  I felt unearthed.  I felt free, though not over the top. 

 I . 
just. 
was

 And it was magnificent.  It would have been better than subspace, because I felt ...yet it wasn't because my mind was still trying to figure out every once and a while, if I was making up a fantasy that I wanted.  But truth be told my imagination isn't THAT good.


Barney returned and helped me into bed.  I can't say I was exhausted like I normally am after a 'beating'.  I was , but I wasn't.  My voice had yet to return, so I just lay there for a while.  I am unsure if I fell asleep.

Much later we went out, walking was extremely difficult.  However it wasn't the worst I have ever looked, after I was cleaned up that is.  That shot nearer to the back of my knees was VERY prominent, yet no where near where I thought it would be.

The next day I had to ask Barney some questions.  I wanted, no needed to know how he felt about the day before.  He again expressed concern about the speed in which the blood was streaming yet it wasn't enough to stop him.  He told me he didn't preplan saying any of those things.  I could tell because he has a tendency to sound rote when he pre plans.  He informed me it came from the heart.  He said he saw that I was 'in the zone' and he quite easily could have joined me 'in that zone' yet he was too afraid to embrace that for fear of me becoming hurt.  Again words I never thought in a million years I would hear my husband, and an experience I never dreamed of having, or even desired I suppose, beyond curiosity.

I expressed to him that I was concerned.  He knew right away what I was referring too ( another first of sorts.snort).  He assured me that he knew I would be needing more.  I have often said I can't be cut off could turkey after something intense.  I need to be weened off or let down gently.  He told me it wasn't going to happen this time.  Well life does have a tendency to get in the way.  I am fine with dealing with that, provided once the interruption subsides, we are RIGHT back on track.

A few days later he said to me, while his experience was obviously different than mine, and he had tried to project himself into my feelings, he didn't think he really understood, until that day.  He said he felt his version of a drop, but not the way I most likely did.  He then gave me a mini reset.  This time he said it was every bit as much for him as it was for me.  He reassured me that he had me and he wasn't going to coast.

Have things been clear sailing since then?  Pfft..  I'll post this question once again, " Are you NEW here?"  LOL.  In fact just this week we have had a few issues pop up.  I honestly believe the issues are with me (though he does have a way of inspiring small issues to become great...just sayin').  I think the connection from the previous reset casts a huge shadow over us.  I am NOT expecting to experience that every time, however the fear of what is to come and where we will end up after because of our experience  is VERY real.

I was profoundly moved by the words Barney said that day.  Physicality not withstanding, I ended up in a different place because of those words. Part of me believes that I put more weight and significance on that day than he does.  Of course this is causing all sorts of needless insecurity on my part.  Naturally I am going to place more weight on the experience than he did. He was expressing what he already felt and knew.  I was the one who was enlightened that day not him.  He accepted who he is, and I was 'blindsided' in a good way by it.  That day will forever be etched in my mind, and not because of my endorphin induced 'coma'. For him the gradual and painful process of accepting who he is was spoken out loud that day, but it wasn't a shocking experience because he had long since known.

I have contemplated writing this post of a couple of weeks now.  First off I was unsure how write my experience down in a way that gave it justice.  (I am still unsure if I managed that.) In the end there seemed to be more reasons to write as opposed to not.  A large reason to share was a few of you.  Many of you have followed along with our adventure since the very start, or close to it.  Many of you have also experienced the insecurity of wondering when or if your husband will ever feel comfortable in his 'role' (though I hate that terminology in this case).  I can't guarantee that it will ever happen, but I wanted to share with you that it could very well.  Trust me when I tell you we were on the brink of ruin not that long ago, Barney and I.  I felt lost and I didn't truly believe he had it in him to 'find' me, or even want to search for me.  He did.

Another reason I decided to attempt this post was for the few of you I have talked to about your changing dynamics.  As you know we started out under the very large umbrella known as Dd.  Actually for years I said we were Dd lite.  Never in a million years would I have pictured myself, my needs, or my relationship where it currently is now.  Nor do I have any preconceived notions of what tomorrow will bring, aside from struggle.  That is almost a guarantee! lol  I understand when you feel like you are not Dd , you are not D/s, you are not BSDM yet you are ALL of those things too. And that is okay.  I like to think of it as a buffet.  Take what you want from whatever appeals to you, and maybe try something new.  If you don't like it, leave it.  Just make sure you have enough on your plate to feel satisfied.  And if tomorrow you decide that maybe you should have tried the sauteed greens, go back an get them.  Nothing is written in stone, as we are forever changing.

Perhaps the biggest reason for me writing this post was for Barney and myself.  I needed Barney to be brought in, as best he could.  I also needed to write this so next week,next month potentially next year, I can remember where I was...after I am somewhere else.

18 comments:

  1. I'm glad you shared. I find as time goes on I don't tend to put so much weight on things, on us (to be a certain way, to feel a certain way, etc.). It takes the pressure off both of us and we can just sample from the buffet. Enjoy! ;)

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    1. Okay, just ignore my previous comment. I was obviously already thinking about other things when I read this post. Acceptance is a wonderful and amazing thing and I think it's great that you were able to embrace it. It must have been quite a heady experience and I think you described it quite well. I'm happy for you. Thanks for sharing with us. (((hugs)))

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    2. I better answer this one before you change your mind again! LOL. It was a pretty heady experience, though now a distant memory. I guess I am happy I shared because at least I will have some memory of it.

      Thanks for your comment~ er both of them!

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  2. Acceptance: Its heady and powerful and encompassing when found from where love flows.
    Thank-you for sharing.

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  3. Willie,
    You captured quite a lot with your words here. I think there may have been something in the water....I know I eluded to my Man's words that day but he too made a declaration that surprised me a great deal. Turns out, I'm not the only one who LIKES to see me in pain/peril. Like you, I knew that this reset was not only for me.

    I am so glad you posted, I know it took you a few go rounds in your mind (maybe in edits as well??). The events are unique and important to you and Barney but for many reading, there is significance as well. So, SO glad you shared this! Great post!!

    XOXO Pearl

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    1. Hi Pearl

      Thank you for encouraging me to share! I now have an account for myself and for Barney to look back on, which is an added bonus to this whole thing.

      It was an amazing feeling to know that my husband had me right where HE wanted me, not only that but to actually BELIEVE that he did. Since experiencing this and then writing it, he has been more open about his feelings and desires. Perhaps not all the time but much more freely than he has been in the past. I think it was just as important for him that I shared as it was for me.

      Thank you for your support. It really means a lot!

      willie

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  4. Nothing ii can possibly say would do justice to your experience. It is beautiful, wonderful, and will always be important to you and Barney.

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    1. Hey Lady, welcome back, again! LOL

      It was very important to both of us, which in and of itself is surprising really. It is difficult to explain an emotional experience that is linked to a physical one. I would imagine it would be equally difficult to comment after reading it. LOL

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  5. Wow Willie, what a wonderful and huge experience for both of you. There's nothing like reaching that acceptance and embracing who you are. I'm happy for you :)

    I'm so glad you shared this. I love what you said about relationships and dynamics changing. Relationships and needs do change over time. Ttwd does seem to be an ever evolving thing. I think much is placed on 'labels' Dd, BDSM etc. I love how you described it as a buffet.

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Hey Roz

      It was a huge experience for me, and I suppose for Barney too. I think until I wrote this Barney wasn't quite aware of how his words effected me that day. Perhaps he still doesn't, but might be a bit closer to understanding. It has been a long, difficult year plus, but I am hoping this is just one of many experiences that has us going in the direction we both feel wonderful about.

      I suppose the one thing about ttwd that is a great positive IS it shines a light, a bright, spot light on how people and relationships change over time. I think the same happens with vanilla relationships, but we tend to ignore the little changes more, because they don't seem to upset us so quickly until they do and then they are huge. Perhaps, in our case anyway, before ttwd it was like an offshore earthquake that we payed little attention to until it was a tsunami that hit our home. Now a pebble thrown in our calm waters that causes ripple effects is upsetting. All perspective I suppose.

      Thanks Roz.

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  6. How great that you were able to let whatever happened happen. I am so glad you had that moment on the mountain top after spending so much time in the valley. I understand the worry about what will come next and how it might compare to the profound experience you just had. But there is always the possibility that it will be better or different or just what you need in the moment. This time was an unexpected surprise, so maybe there is another one on the horizon.

    The searching and the finding is really good to read about.

    Cygnet

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    1. Hi Cygnet

      Well not unexpected surprises so far~ other than we haven't crashed and burned because there were no unexpected surprises! LOL And trust me that is a very good thing as it could have been a very real possibility!

      Life is funny that way isn't it? When you least expect something, it can happen. I suppose that is how hope maintains itself.

      Willie

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  7. Willie I want to say thank you for once again opening your heart and
    Life to those of us who follow you. My SK is struggling to find his acceptance of his role and his fear of hurting me holds him back from being comfortable. I struggle with submission as I often feel him pull back and feel that someone needs to lead. It become a whirlwind as I attempt to step back and let him m find his place and then jump in to handle things at MY pace when I know I should watch and wait.

    You give me such hope and strength. Your struggles and the overcoming of them makes me sure given time things usually work themselves out even if we don't up where we originally thought they would. I long for the day - any day when he sees himself the way I see him and he accepts it and embraces it.

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    1. Hi LB

      I can't tell you how much I enjoy when you comment. I understand so, so much of what you have said here. I wish I could say I have beaten down the quick to take over monster in our lives. I honestly don't think I have had any GREAT success. I will say that moderate success and timing has helped Barney step up and become not only more aware, but understanding of the uncertainty that is created in me when things don't get looked after in what I deem is a timely fashion. I do *try* to triage my reactions now though and mentally chastise myself even if I am silently fuming. I try to put into perspective if it really is important that xyz gets done RIGHT now, and if it isn't than I let it go ( or try to) if it is I bring it up to him as best I can...or you know go back to my old ways and fume not so silently. Anyway all in time I believe, just keep trying.

      Do you write to him LB? Do you journal for yourself and share with him? Writing to him again like I did at the start 4 years ago has been the single most effective way for us to move forward with ourselves and our security in doing so. For so long, SO long I blogged about my need and how the need was similar to many women who read here. It was important because I needed to understand myself and my need and so did Barney. I also needed to feel having this need was acceptable. We then went through a very, very grey and very, very long period in our relationship. A great deal had to do with outside forces, but how we were as a couple seemed to take a significant 'hit' too. Not the things you read about with a 'successful' Dd/Ds relationship. But it happened and it was very real and hurtful. For the longest time we it appeared we were in a holding pattern, then it appeared we were going backwards, so when the holding pattern returned I was grateful. It was during this second holding period that the shift began in both of us. This time we gave oxygen to the fire and it began to slowly burn instead of just smoke. I truly believe that even through the grey period, any bit of embracing of who I was or who I believed him to be helped put a tiny brick in the foundation of where we are now.

      All this to say LB don't give up. If you see him without the armor he is not ready to take off yet, help him. Give him room to grow and feel he can take that off. Let that be your motivation for the 'watch and wait'. I wish years ago I would have understood that more. Perhaps it wouldn't have taken this long, but in all honesty it probably would have. As we have worked through so much as individuals to get where we are today.

      willie

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    2. Ooops sorry for all the grammatical errors and misuse/typos of words. Let's blame the fever shall we? LOL

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  8. I read your words and honestly thought 'I could have written this' .... right down to the spots on my ass cheeks that split and bleed - yes honest!!! even the description you gave - the feelings you tried to explain - I got it! It's impossible to explain - it really is - until you read your feelings in someone else's words.

    The one big difference -- when I first met Sir Steve some 10 years ago... I was his play thing -- his masochist toy. Both he and his (then) wife used to play with me. They both had done the journey to Sadist before I came along... lucky me! They were ready for me and I for them. Suffice it to say - when it ended - I walked away stunned and feeling like something had been torn out of me. I think I searched for most of those 10 years for someone who had the confidence in his Sadism enough to bring out the masochist in me.
    Imagine my shock and surprise when 4 years ago on Facebook of all places!! Sir Steve contacted me. It has felt like coming home to be here with him... and GOD this time he's all mine - so besides the wonder of play time I also have the sheer joy of sex -- and yeah of having my cervix shoved up into my throat (grinning)

    I said maybe we were kindred spirits........ shrug.... we may have different ways of getting there ... but we both get there.

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  9. Thank you for your comment.

    I agree with your last statement. Over the years I have had the pleasure of knowing a few couples where one identifies as a Sadist and couples whose power exchanges are different than our's but they all seem to agree, it is where we end up not how we get there that can tie us together. Once we let go of our preconceived notions that we are so vastly different because of the tools we choose to use and embrace or similarities we can grow and learn from each other.

    B still has a difficult time embracing his darker side, now probably due to lack of practice (lol). I asked for DD as a means of connection and we had no idea it was opening Pandora's box. He often wonders how our lives would have been different if he had discovered this side of him before I brought DD to the table.

    I was curious how you went from a plaything with a couple to living with half of the couple. Lol. Thanks for enlightening me.

    Willie

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