Sunday, February 5, 2017

Moving from Supporting to Cultivating Submission

It has been so long since I have typed anything out I am not sure if I still 'have it in me'.  Time will tell I suppose.

A lot of what I am about to write may not be relatable to many, or perhaps insulting to some.  That isn't my intent.  This is merely my take on our adventure thus far. Several years ago I brought Dd to my husband, what has transpired since I know neither one of us could have foreseen.  Yes, all the great and wonderful things you read about that Dd brings to a relationship happened, as well as many not so wonderful things. Those of you who have been following along  over the last 4 plus years,are more than aware of the numerous stumbling blocks we have encountered.  I know for a fact we are certainly not unique in those 'hiccups'.  But that isn't what I want to process today.

I would like to say that somewhere along the line we gradually morphed from a Dd relationship to a D/s one.  Truth be told since starting Dd, ( as it was pointed out to me a couple of years ago) we have always been in a D/s relationship.  I know many out there in a Dd relationship still think of D/s as a sex based life, and perhaps you always will.  For those who know us, and those we know who identify themselves as a stronger D/s relationship than Dd alone,  we strongly believe that you need to have D/s to have Dd. This belief is founded by the fact you have to submit ( the small 's' on the right side of the slash) to the Dominant ( the big D) for your punishment/spanking whatever.  You don't have to agree with me, that is fine.  I just want you to know what our interpretation of this is before I continue.

When we started Dd, and for perhaps the first year Barney's role was actually one of support.  That is not too say he was not the growing leader.  His role however, after expectations were established,was one that was reactionary.  For example, if I did or did not do abc, I ideally could expect xyz.  If he noticed I was drifting away, he would react accordingly ( on occasion) to bring me back.

I spent the better part of two years discovering who I truly was, and then accepting it.  Initially when I first discovered the Dd lifestyle I longed for the closeness I had read about between couples that Dd created. In  those first couple of years we had the benefit of meeting several Dd couples who were further along in their adventure than us.  I remember Barney and I talking after one such vacation about a friend of ours and how he and I both hoped that I would be able to turn to him with the depths  she turned to her husband.  In the end we concluded she and I were different women and it probably wasn't going to happen.

We were wrong!  Thank goodness for that because it is wonderful (when it IS wonderful that is).  What changed?  Our methods for reaching  the core of me for one, but before that, our perception of me.  The latter point, however is another I have written on my blog in various ways before.

OKAY FINALLY getting to my point. We changed our methods (an ongoing struggle by the way).  Or perhaps more accurately we embraced what was already there and allowed that to be the focus.  Barney (after much conversation, heartache and struggles on both our parts) began to understand that being proactive as opposed to reactionary was a far better way to allow me to be who we both desired.  I suppose I should reword that.  I haven't changed at all in many ways.  In some ways I have become much, much more feisty than before.  However, that is the whole of me.  Not always the BEST of me, but it is the authentic me. Those feisty episodes generally surface when I have felt hurt (not necessarily that Barney HAS hurt me, but I have felt hurt).  Those times aside, I am weightless.  I am not carefree by any means.  I just see things for the way they are.  Anxiety does not alter my perception.  I can view many things much more positively.  The most beneficial part is the feeling that I radiate from within.  There are no shields to protect me, because I don't require them. THAT is who we want me to be.

Sure I get hurt.  Sometimes far more than I ever did before, but I FEEL...oh do I feel.  It is most definitely a double edge sword, but one I will risk. .

Back to proactive.Barney said not too long ago that he will always want to support me in my submission.  Well......... that actually didn't go over so well. I do want my husband to be supportive of me in many, many areas of my life.  Where I don't actually require support is in my submission.  Hear me out. Perhaps I am splitting hairs, but the slight distinction has made a big difference for us. As far as my submission goes,  I own it.  I know who I am. I came to that conclusion a while ago. Prior to that I did need him to support me in my discovery. I am (most days) very comfortable with who I am and where I want to be/stay. He can't MAKE me submissive. What I need him to continue to do, and this isn't always easy due to life and reality beyond our small bubble, is to CULTIVATE my submission.  I need him to help create an environment that continues to allow me to embrace my core. When he cultivates there is no need to support (though I realize you can argue the support is implied) because I am flourishing.  There are no long term doubts.  Not to say there are not struggles.  But that is part of the cultivation process.

So what does that look like?  Well I could give specifics but everyone is very different. Honestly I am very different from day to day...week to week. A great deal of it has to do with removing bits of control from my grasp. Some days it is as simple as giving me tasks.  I don't need a list to accomplish things (though I don't by any means fault those who do), but there is joy to be found for me in accomplishing things that HE wants.  I still accomplish what I want - after his needs.  Most of the time his needs are things I would have already done anyway, but the fact that he sat down and thought about what he wanted and why means something to me. In a way it gives me permission to be submissive, (which one could argue is also a supportive aspect).  It allows me to see that my submission is important to him,and that is of the utmost importance to me. It also gives him a less abstract way of seeing my submission.

Those household task lists help keep me where I need to be, but they do not 'bring me' to where I need to be.  Helping me get closer to my core comes from things that are more challenging.  For poor Barney this generally means becoming more creative.  Some days it means humbling me, not humiliating but stripping me of my armour.  This can be physical, but more often than not he has to claim my mind before he can claim my submissive heartset again.  Generally it means taking me out of my comfort zone.  It doesn't always have to be a grandiose gesture.  Some days it can be as simple as bathing me.  YUP....for whatever reason that simple act softens me.  See?  Not so kinky.  Though there are other times where....well I'm not going to write about that!  *wink*.

Asking for things, and not feeling that the answer is ALWAYS going to be yes is another more 'tame' way he cultivates my submission.  Let me tell you, I really 'fail' at this, and OFTEN.  It is as if the question gets caught in my throat.  Generally it comes out as, " I'd really like another coffee".  Some days I get a flat out 'no'.  Other days I am on the receiving end of, " Well perhaps you should ASK me then".  If he is feeling generous, which is most times, he will respond with " Are you ASKING me?" If I am to be truthful the last one doesn't cultivate my submission much, but then again neither am I because I should just bite the damn bullet and ask.  Often I will forgo asking and do without. THAT IS HOW MUCH I HATE ASKING...LOL  I am aware..stupid..I want it, but I don't-

Conquering the battle within is my burden,creating that battle is his . AND THAT is how he cultivates my submission.


  1. Hi Willie, it's great to see you post :)

    Wow, this is an awesome and thought provoking post! I like the distinction between supporting and cultivating submission and your point about creating an environment where submission can thrive.

    I know for me I craved overall dominance from Rick, actions which reinforced our roles. Maintenance spanking does help but for me I needed other 'shows' of dominance and also outside of the bedroom.

    As you said, it's about feeling your submission means something to him and being proactive rather than purely reactive on his part shows us that our submission does mean something. I agree too with your point about not always expecting the answer to be yes, it is so easy not to get into the mindset of why bother asking.

    I like what you said about you owning your submission and your last line. Hmm, I shall ponder some more...

    Talk soon, we need another morning coffe/bedtime tea chat :)


    1. Hey Roz!

      Hmm not sure what to say here. Thanks for agreeing with every point I was trying to make? Lol!!! Seriously happy to know my feelings aren't mine alone. It makes life a little easier when life isn't easy-you know? Or crazy loves crazy! LOL

      I'm available this weekend no doubt for some coffee chat! tea crap.


  2. I can't sleep. Eric has been gone for a week and he's back in seven hours. I'm tired but too excited to get any rest. Thought I'd do some light reading. Do you ever write "light"? LOL I love your post. Agree with Roz, very thought provoking.

    I'm curious how your relationship was before Dd/Ds. Did you do your own thing and bump into each other along the way? I get the impression that D/s is almost a streamlining of your two lives.

    Eric won't give me lists and when I ask for him to tell me what to do in any place other than bed, he says, "I'll never make decisions for you." Hmmm. Not really what I mean by my words. "Hold me accountable" he gets and does quite well. Sometimes I just want to free my brain from everything. I make too many decisions in a day. I want him to take over for a bit. Give my head a chance to ride on auto-pilot.

    My cousin is staying with us for an undefined amount of time right now. It's good and bad but will cut down on the way Eric and I play/interact. Seems the hardest part of all of this for me is patience. I want more and I want it when I feel it, need it, crave it. People and circumstance interfere.


    1. Do I ever write light? I could type out a low cal recipe if you'd like. LOL. Nope not what my blog serves me for. Once upon a time I wrote various types of things, but I don't require that type of contact anymore. I prefer to process and share- rarely does that mean light. That isn't to say I lack fun...just like that to stay private as I feel more like an exhibitionist entertaining people with my 'stories' of light heartedness. I figure there are more than enough blogs out there that cater to those who like that. I want to reach out to those who feel alone and who are willing to admit they struggle in ways that doesn't include not drinking enough water in a day...LOL.

      I can see Eric's side of 'not wanting to make decisions for you". Barney had that take once upon a time. It isn't that at all. But it takes them a while to comprehend, just as it takes us a while to figure out how to express it to them in a way they can. For us it is about acceptance and loss of control. To be frank I still believe I put more importance on the lists than Barney does. He claims otherwise, we are a work in progress! lol.

      I can't say I want to be on autopilot. At least not the version I have in my head when I read your words. I do understand about freeing my brain. I overthink and over FEEL everything. The lists give me a moment to concentrate on that and focus on him when he isn't around. THAT is why I enjoy them. I am serving him and his wishes without him being there. Of course I am also doing that when I put on my stupid cutting glove even if he isn't home, but eventually those things become a force of habit, something I automatically do, like I have always done them. They are still very important to him, as he has his reasons behind them, but they do little for me.

      If he texts me and says, " No computer tonight" or " Ask me if.... today" that little text shakes me up a bit. Then of course suddenly I NEED to be on my computer..LOL. Shaking me up a bit tests my submission- personally I need that.

      We have a houseful of people and it is winter time here as well....COLD winter time. Our oldest's hours at work are not numerous currently so rarely are we ever alone. Connection time is generally distracted by unspecified time constraints or issues playing a loop in the back ground of our mind. This is why cultivating my submission in other, non-physical ways is crucial.


  3. It usually takes me several readings for me to be in a position to have an effective conversation on whatever subjects there are to be discussed . Years and even months ago I would discuss her writings from a perspective of my opinion (or rather formulating a defense!) on it as opposed to communicating an understanding and appreciation of the topic. This particular post gives clarity to our roots and where we have grown to be as well as an important distinction between support and cultivation. I can see in the past my behaviour, initially, was supportive to a Wilma that was not yet comfortable in (not yet accepted) her submissive core. As time has gone by I am discovering (at times a painfully slow process) that what Wilma said in the post is very true - I can not make her submissive but I can CULTIVATE it.

    This cultivation, as an example, comes not just from the lists of tasks that I would give to Wilma but more in the authenticity in which I execute these instructions. In the past lists I created were used as a tool to support Wilma's submission. Now I need her to submit to these tasks because I WANT her to and because that feeds my Dominance thus cultivating her submission, as opposed to just supporting her submission.

    I will comment later on another important point Wilma has raised - reactionary vs proactive Dominant behaviour.


  4. ...cont'd

    Reactionary Dominant behaviour for myself seems to take two forms. I will explain that later but firstly I would clarify reactionary behaviour as my behaviour that is in reaction to a situation that effects our relationship and our dynamic,(sometimes an outside influence or something Wilma or I do as general examples). When I react in a strong, timely way that provides the leadership it helps strengthen our dynamic as well as builds trust. Wilma then feels she can trust me.I in turn I feel I can trust myself to do the right thing! That can be as simple as following through on a punishment -much opportunity here(<RUDE!*willie note) or reacting with an true understanding of Wilma's perspective and feelings. At times my reactions can be impulsive and self-centered, not at all helpful and potentially destructive to our relationship, not to mention hurtful to Wilma.

    I feel that more proactive behaviors on my part can lessen my need to *react* and allow me the control to positively influence us. Leading proactively can lessen the anxiety of outside influences and not tempt Wilma to feel the need to step in and take control when it is not necessary. Proactively telling Wilma to do things that underline my dominance and cultivate her submission is critical. In the past these demands were often in a reactionary form, which is can be too late to do much good. This is an area where I often struggle with creativity. I have discovered however, that in taking,/demanding my dominance does create a healthy environment for Wilma's submission.

  5. Thinking about you....hoping all is well in your world!

  6. hey there, i've been seeing your comments on blogland and just wanted to stop in here and say hi and hope you had a meaningful Christmas and new years!