Monday, March 5, 2018

The Insecurity of Growth

Image result for Barney Rubble

No one is probably more surprised that I am writing a post here more than I am.  I'm actually not entirely sure why I am as the majority of people who once read here are long gone.  I suppose it is just to get it out there regardless and clear my mind- clear my mind in a small space not an overly public one! LOL

I used to think? feel? growth was extremely painful at times- and it is, but nothing compared to participating in another person's growth.  Yes the tables have turned and it is a tad daunting.  Let's see if I can explain.

To say we've had a rocky past year is an understatement.  To say the past 5 months were turbulent is beyond laughable.  There are tons of contributing factors to why I say that but I'm just going to stay with Barney and myself for now. Have you ever had a very good something happen that led to a cluster f*ck?  (might have to change that wording later LOL).  Well this happened between Barney and myself.  The aftermath left me more confused than ever. I didn't understand how something that was 'so good' (though not without issue) could morph into the worst period of our married life. ( Please no I'm sorry's -it's over now and we've moved on).

For months we stayed in this endless loop of destruction for lack of a better word, but NOT overly dramatic I can assure you. I had my suspicions or assumptions, but I didn't really give much weight to them as it isn't my place really to fill in the blanks.  It isn't fair.  Not to mention that emotionally I was a train wreck.  I was also a cobra, waiting to strike if I felt the least bit threatened.  So, so far removed from what ttwd is supposed to be about and no where NEAR my core.  In fact I began to believe that my core appeared more like this:

Anyway, I mention the above because no matter how hard I/we try it still lurks in the shadows-fear.  I don't want to ever go back to feeling the way I did in December and in many ways that has me standing still ( but hey at least I am not 'running').  Right- back to the point of my post.

After what seems like a painfully (perhaps pun intended) long time Barney has given voice to something he has discovered about himself.  I tease him about the long time, but not.  I understand how it must have been difficult to actually admit to himself what he discovered.  I wasn't shocked, in fact I was waiting to hear it.  In all honesty I can't say I was certain I ever was going to hear it, but I wasn't shocked when it finally came out.  I felt relief for him.  Maybe it would be more truthful if I said I felt relief for us.  For a long time now I have suspected what he told me to be true, but I wasn't sure if it was me making something fit, or if this transition was actually happening. I also felt that perhaps this was holding him/us back.

I have often expressed to friends that I had the 'benefit' of discovering initially that I was submissive, though I wasn't sure exactly what that entailed, on my own.  I suppose it would be more accurate to say I knew something drew me to ttwd, and discovering who I was within that context was a personal self discovery.  While Barney was along for the ride, and there to support me when needed a great deal of it I was able to do without being too scrutinized.  Sadly this doesn't generally happen to the person who ttwd is brought to.  Barney's actions, no matter how hard I tried not to, have been under a microscope since the beginning in many ways.  Not saying it was always a negative observation. Sometimes  it was innocuous.  Other times I observed to ask questions to help him discover or uncover the root of the 'issue' we both felt.  Regardless though, he didn't have the benefit of private unearthing I did, and part of me feels guilty about that.

All this to say currently I am struggling in a way I am unfamiliar with, yet sort of familiar with. LOL.  Clear as mud right? I have been supportive ( I think) with Barney while he embraces his discovery. ( I feel like I should at least say here he's not Gay nor is he a switch -not that there is anything wrong with either LOL).  I have been trying, at least physically to be all I can for him;encouraging him, reassuring him in the moment etc.. Again I say, I think, or hope at least.  My concern comes when we are not 'in the moment'.  These moments eventually bring about a vulnerability- though it is doubtful that that comes across often.  Barney recently mentioned he has noticed a difference, but the issue remains with the fear factor, or the standing still aspect.  Internally I feel.........something, but it doesn't seem to project outwardly.  <---- This part is not unfamiliar to me.  How I get there is, and the fear of the depths of the vulnerability is.  It seems like I am unable to peek out from behind the curtain so to speak.  At least the wall has transformed to a curtain, but my issue/concern is, how do I support him fully if I can't seem to come out completely?

I am gauging my reactions after the fact.  I am second guessing what I should be saying or doing.  Am I being helpful? Should that matter?  There of course should be no issue with this line of thinking, with one exception, it doesn't address what is happening inside with me.  Yeah, yeah ALL about me! Now this one thing about Barney shouldn't matter about what is happening to me, but then there is the relationship part after to contend with.  If I continue to focus on this solely for him, what I need to do, how exactly will it help us in the long run if I don't understand what it is doing to me?  Do I put a time limit mentally on it?  Wait until *I* believe he's more secure in what he has discovered and it is okay- then focus on how it affects me?  I don't want to give him insecurities or added pressure while he is unearthing a desire he has. I don't want to derail his progress because it appears to have the potential to impact me (not in a bad way) should I get comfortable enough to allow it. Am I controlling this by not being open about it?  I can try and work on how it is affecting me on my own, but that still leaves space between us.  I don't know how to work on myself or my feelings without being withdrawn to a certain extent.  Doing that would DEFINITELY send the wrong message to Barney.

I know we are a partnership when it comes to our relationship. The issue has been it really  didn't seem that way for a great majority of the past 5 months or so.  Bringing up feelings, insecurities, unprocessed thoughts has become more of an issue for us then it had been in the past. I feel like it would be a game of Russian Roulette to have this discussion if I initiated it.  While he has given himself permission to explore this 'new' part of him, I am not so sure throwing my emotional 'crap' on him would be a good idea.  Maybe I should give him more credit, but I am sincerely fearful for both of our sake.  Not to mention other life 'drama' still oozes in and can derail us as well.  

I don't want to be the sole reason for things going sideways.  I just don't know what is going to do it- me sharing now, or not sharing and hoping it doesn't come out as overly emotional vomit all over him at an inopportune moment!


Not currently how I feel but I can project a similar atmosphere if  over time *I* feel it isn't safe to share.

14 comments:

  1. Hey Willie,

    I'm trying to follow you in this but I'm not sure I'm understanding where you are coming from or maybe it's where you are going with this. It could just be me - drugged up on pain killers. The part I do think I understand is that Barney has found something personal that he is exploring and has shared with you. You want to be supportive of his discovery while also figuring out how it does or does not affect you. It sounds like another one of those heart wrenching balancing acts that I would completely overthink and end up turning into a stack of issues that didn't necessarily apply. Eric says the best thing I can ever do for him is to always make is safe for us to talk about anything; which is also the best thing he can ever do for me. Safety. I know you two have it with each other. As for the rest of the world? Nah. Maybe not so easy.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds complicated.

    Maybe just be excited for him???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Misty

      Guess your comment came in while I was typing Amy's. ODD. I am very happy for him. I am excited for him too.

      Delete
  3. Hi Amy

    You are right Barney has found something personal he is exploring, but he hasn't just shared it with me, it *has* to involve me- no it is not vanilla. There is no way it isn't going to affect me-that is part of the point of it. How much and how is the issue. I wish it were a case of pros and cons, it isn't like that. It directly affects my vulnerability, which can be a bonus- once I figure out how to let it out and if I should mention my concerns now that might not be concerns later. Difficult to feel and not think or think and not feel. URGH

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you have my email if you want to chat off line. I'm not sure where you are going with this but am kind of dealing with what I think might be a similar situation with Eric. Looking for a bit more before I can be sure. Wouldn't be the first time you and I have something in common!
      Amy

      Delete
    2. You show me yours and I'll show you mine *wink*

      Delete
  4. Hi Willie,

    I'm so glad you shared this. As always you made me think. You are right, we often think about our own growth but participating in someone elses growth is a different ball game.

    Barney's discovery of this new desire involves you. Therefore in my mind, it's something for the both of you to explore together, something to discover together to see if it is a 'fit' for both of you rather than it being a "Barney thing" (for want of a better way to put it).

    It's the opposite of your discovery of ttwd and you bringing it to Barney. At some point it becomes for both of you. When you started ttwd it was a learning curve for both of you and this will be the same. I think you each need to focus on how this affects you both as individuals and as a couple. Don't wait until you think Barney is more secure...IMHO. A joint discovery as ttwd was in the beginning.

    Love
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the encouraging words Roz! I do agree with everything you say. I am feeling much better at the moment. I have come to the conclusion though that I will wait a while longer to a) see if I feel differently later or heck even pinpoint how I feel and b) give Barney more time to just focus on himself at the moment. There is nothing really I can't handle on my own emotionally right now, so I owe it to him to give him space and not have to think about (probably non) issues that pop in and out of my mind. I suppose it is just an adjustment period. The dust/emotions whatever will settle soon and hopefully I'll have a clearer picture as to what if anything is messing with my head! LOL

      love
      willie

      Delete
  5. my head hurts. ok, so would it be possible to say to him that you have some thoughts and want to maybe share some stuff with him but need to know if he will be able to handle your sharing right now? it kinda maybe would help if he KNEW there was stuff you wanted to say but NOT actually say it without warning... i know the thing about BIKSS is he likes KNOWING there's something coming so he can let me know when he's in the right emotional / psychological space to handle "stuff". instead of me just coming right out and doing the emotional vomit thing (eloquent, by the way.. .loved that you used that!)... i dunno... we're all different right? so whatever happens i hope you find some balance (even if temporarily) - enough to get you thru to the other side! *Hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  6. LOL Fondles, my head hurt trying to read this comment too- so I guess we are even. Thanks for the advice- warning Barney about needed to talk is probably a very good first step.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just read this twice...and the comments. I have sort of been where you are recently...when I took a short break from blogging...I am sure the circumstances were not exactly the same, but as they say...close enough. For M and I we have learned...the hard way...that when discussing is difficult...more so for me than him...we write a letter. It always starts with expressing our love and support, and then gets to the more difficult part, expressing what it is we are doubting or not understanding. For me writing is very helpful since I can re/read and think before I send, where as I am not as good as thinking before I speak, especially when stressed. It is the tough times that make us appreciate the good times...if you want to vent or just write it out...I am here....
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome Abby!

      I am so happy you decided to join my dusty blog. LOL. I can understand the need to write, and for years that is exactly what I have done. I have a private blog for just B and I. It has worked. This time I did decide to just write here ( as confusing as the post was )and it helped me at least. He did eventually read here, but after a crash and burn. I will confess, that I don't really believe the crash and burn was because I didn't share my thoughts this time. I am currently writing a post,(so current that I am actually unaware of what direction it is going to go. LOL).

      I good friend of mine helped me to see what I already knew in my heart ( she's been saying this new discovery of Barney's was there for years now LOL) he needs unfiltered time to discover. My 'issues' really were something I could deal with once I examined them. I knew in the not so distant future I would have to discuss a form of balance with B when it came to this. What the balance required looks like I am unsure.

      I decided that I could put aside my perceived issues for this, for him much like he did when I brought ttwd to him over 5 years ago. I don't see it as suppressing anything in me or lack of communication, just lack of 'noise' for him.

      Thanks, willie

      Delete
  8. I don't post anywhere often and look to blogs to get clarity and helpful information to help me process this lifestyle we are living. I also brought this to my husband and SK takes longer than average to process and implement ideas. In your case Barney has provided a new path for you to explore. It is now a time for you to process this new route without knowing what is around the next corner (so to speak). I can understand your uncertainty especially as you are reluctant to discuss your "fear", misgivings, what ifs and the like. Remember that one of the keystones of ttwd is communication. In order for it to work properly you must feel safe bringing up issues which need clarification or fleshing out. Timing is an issue and maybe just saying you need to discuss some things with him about this path - without giving off negative vibes - when he is comfortable with it would let him know you need his leadership and insight and bolster his confidence at the same time. I don't know exactly but I know that you are a strong woman and I know if you step back and look at this you will find a way to make this possible for both of you. Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Lady B,

    It was such a fantastic surprise to see you out and about, especially here! I hope things are well with you. I really do appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment here, as I know you don't do it often.

    I think what you, and Fondles said above is a great idea, and perhaps one I will remember in the future. Actually I will discuss it with Barney later ( the idea) and see if that is something he would find useful. He read my post on Friday, and said he felt badly for me having all of these questions in my mind. By the time he had read the post however, I felt perfectly fine. I have to say I don't regret not sharing my thoughts at the time . I think in this scenario I had to let time pass in order for me to see if I was being emotional/irrational or if and what thoughts were really something to focus on. I do think I could have found a way to express that I had some thoughts on the matter, but timing wasn't on our side this week with B's work. Maybe next time. lol

    Again, thank you so much
    willie

    ReplyDelete