Tuesday, March 12, 2019

No longer Private (for now) Want and Needs a Different Spin

First a little 'house keeping' matter. After 4 years I have decided to make my blog public for a bit. This mostly came because I still have people asking to read this dust crusted blog and I *think* you need a google+ account to do so. With google getting rid of that function next month, I thought the ability to read my long missives from long ago would be gone as well. We shall see what happens. I haven't written here in a year, but I thought I'd share something not that personal as a start. Not that I have any readers left.  LOL
***


I have been in several discussions over the past few months concerning the term ‘Natural Submissive’ It isn’t what I am about to write about but these discussions are where this realization came from.


I have heard the terms want vs needs and all sorts of explanations of what each means and where each falls in “the” diagram depending on what side of ‘the slash’ you fall on


Her Needs


His Needs


His Wants


Her Wants


….again not what I am referring too. 


I discovered long ago the submissive in me. I know the NEED is there. I say NEED because in order to live my life in my authentic, and therefore most fulfilling form I need to be submissive. BUT…………..in all honesty I don’t NEED to be submissive. More like: Submissive to thrive but not survive. 


I have come to the realization that what varies is my want..my WANT to work on my need. While trying to explain my view on the term “Natural Submissive” I decided to use a tangible talent as an example. Suppose one is born with the natural ability to draw for example. Early in life they stand out from the rest perhaps? Eventually though in order to thrive with their natural talent they are going to have to work on it and push themselves- learning and growing or I’d imagine they would hit the ceiling like anyone else. Talent can get you started but one generally has to work on that talent to advance themselves. So it was this line of thinking that had me realize the want/need perspective I have.


Let’s suppose I have this natural NEED to be submissive, or A submissive. While it got the ball rolling I still had/have to work on different aspects of my submission, what it looks like for B, what he wants, needs, desires…how they match up, do they match up…or on days when I just don’t feel like it- ‘acting’ the part until I feel something more authentic again.


So to me while the need is always there, the WANT is key to success or stumble. How much do I *want* to work to cultivate and embrace my need? 


Back to my talent example. How many artists ‘peaked’ at a young age? How many artists are out there saying, “ I used to draw in high school and I wasn’t bad”. Perhaps the ‘used to’ was not because their talent disappeared but their wanting to develop it did or never existed to begin with. For me there are days when I don’t WANT to embrace my ‘need’. Days when I feel it is too much to feel that. Days when my want disappears, but there are not days when my need does.

20 comments:

  1. This makes total sense. You are right. I think being submissive is what I need but I can't rely on just the need, I need to try too. Am I a natural submissive? What a question, only because I have no idea. I wasn't raised this way, I was raised to be independent, to be my own boss. And now look at me, with 49% of the say around here, Ty holding me accountable for my behavior, rules that make our marriage better. Who knew?
    I am so happy to see you back here posting. If I can do it, you can do it. We will do it together....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah the "natural submissive' thing. When talking to a close friend about it I always wanted to know why one needed to know that anyway? It isn't a phrase I would use for myself for various reasons. The first one because I have seen in a community where it can create some sort of hierarchy. Secondly anyone I have seen as naturally submissive would never refer to themselves as that. Sort of like a basketball player saying, " Oh I'm a natural" . Show us we'll see. LOL.
    When B and I were discussion naturally dominant people I had come to the conclusion they were more overtly dominant because they felt comfortable. B identifies as naturally dominant yet doesn't consider himself overt ( a lot of times I agree). So if I were to flip that on its side, I can see how the same can be true with submissives. I will say I have been REFERRED to as a 'natural" submissive. But to me submissive is a tad subjective. I will also say that my first inclination in most situations is to do what is expected of me or what I think B would want. That doesn't however mean I actually *do* it. There are more times than I would like to admit that I talk myself OUT of my submissive mindset due to silly things like fear. I also don't feel to a limited amount that I require B to help me feel submissive (though that was a post a million years ago). He does help me feel accpeted which fosters and feeds my submission, but we took a break for a bit a while ago, and after my initial week of freedom I returned to my old self and those old feelings from the beginning when I thought I was 'faking it until I made it' So who knows? I go back to my original thought...does it really matter in the long run? LOL.

    As far as posting 'again' I'm not entirely sure it will be a 'thing'. But we'll see.

    Thanks for popping by though!!!
    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oops when I said I returned to my old self I meant my overtly submissive mindset and self

      Delete
  3. Hi Willie, so great to see you post again! I was waiting for a post to pop up as some of your older ones appeared in my dashboard the other day.

    This is great food for thought and you have me pondering. It makes sense to me also and I love your analogy to having a talent. I agree with you. While the need may be there the want is key.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey lady, you're late! I expected you to be my first comment, but Blondie beat you to it. I guess I'll excuse it as you live on the bottom of the world ;).

      So I have you pondering do I ? I had to dig deep into my wanting today when I was told to wash walls. LOL...

      ..and Roz, I know it has been a while, but how do I feel about hugging? lol
      willie

      Delete
    2. Oh oops, sorry, yes I remember now. Washing walls? Was that a punishment? LoL. Just had to drop by again to share that we saw Bryan Adams tonight. He put on a wonderful show and now I'm about to collapse into bed lol

      Delete
    3. Oh I didn't realize that was this week. Man time sure flies!!! Glad to hear you had a great time! There is a show here called The Launch, he was on it a couple of weeks ago as a mentor and he wrote the song for the new 'launched' artist. I thought of you. ;)

      Delete
  4. Your Back! I actually did a little happy dance, yes I am easily amused, yes I definitely look forward to words of wisdom from Wilma!
    Mignon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh GOD! ( applies back of hand to forehead in dramatic fashion ) The pressure!!!!

      Keep that easily amused mindset it might come in handy if I start posting again on a regular basis! LOL

      willie!!

      Delete
  5. Welcome back to the 'land' or the public 'land' at least, Willie!

    ... I don't know if early on I thought of myself as 'submissive' ... I just thought the sex was hot, hot, hot! ... it wasn't until later, when we decided to bring it into our lives (20 yrs ago) and I did more reading and research, were we able to put the terms D/s into perspective. Even then, it was something that only played out in the bedroom ... until last year ... and you know the rest.

    Welcome back! ... nj

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi NJ

    Yes I have been gone so long I still refer to blogland and blogland. Oh you kids! lol.

    If you are bored some day ( currently it is snowing ridiculously here so a day like today would certainly count LOL), you can go back to 2014 and read about how I discovered I was a submissive. I think the post is called, " I am Terrified" Not sure how much sense it will make or how gripping the 'reveal' will be if you didn't know the back story. LOL. But suffice to say I brought Dd to B as a way to feel connected. I knew I was emotionally guarded and I had read a few wonderful blogs ( sadly long gone now) where they focused on the connection created. I'd say we morphed into D/s but the realization later came that Dd was D/s for us right from the start. The organized BDSM stuff didn't really start until about a year or more into our dynamic. So I guess we were the reverse of you ;)

    (Welcome to my blog where I am even wordier than on others. LOL)... I don't think I thought I was submissive when we first started Dd. In fact I remember feeling 'icky' reading the word sub or Dom in a chatroom. I remember thinking I was never going to be like 'these' women- not in a bad way, just that I didn't think I was capable. Turns out I was always that way, just too afraid to let it out or say it. Once I gave voice to it and accepted it, life in this dynamic became easier on a personal level. The mechanics of it however...well those still cause issues.

    Welcome to my chat fest NJ. I hope you find us a tad interesting? lol

    willie

    ReplyDelete
  7. * blogland AS blogland ( must get in the habit of proof reading too

    ReplyDelete
  8. I havent read here for a long while (Trazure) because I lost the link but I am so glad I found you again. I have read the different post and this last one really spoke to me, thank you for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well WELCOME!..or I should say welcome back I suppose. I am pleased my post resonated with you. I personally sometimes find it difficult to find posts that speak to me , so I am grateful when I hear someone can relate to one of mine. It (selfishly) makes me feel a little less like a fish out of water.

      willie

      Delete
  9. I just saw you went public. :) Welcome back. :) This post is me. I am submissive, but I've had to dig deep down, study, look around me, find out who I am, to find out how to become the submissive I feel I am and want to be. It's a continual growing, a continual wanting to learn more, see how far I can dig before it's too deep.

    I have to admit, I can live without submission as well, but it was like death, I felt dead inside. Used, and neglected and worst of all, worthless. Like you said, I thrive in being submissive. That is when I am who I am. Thank you so much for sharing.

    EsMay

    ReplyDelete
  10. I suppose I should say welcome back to you too ;)

    It can be difficult when 'ordinary' life creeps in and I have no place to put my submission in a way I feel it. These times I have to actively dig deep to my wanting to embrace my need. Sometimes in the short term it is far to easy to dismiss the little voice inside to allow it to be the loud one and submit. What ends up happening is I end up further away from 'myself' and I get annoyed with not only be, but unfairly B too. So short term 'pain' for long term gain. I mean pain in the figurative sense. I have to push aside my reservations and work. Sucks really- one would assume in my 7th year of this, things would just happen, but human nature is human nature I suppose. LOL.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
  11. *me, not only ME..not be...but I do blame B for the typo as he keeps talking to me!!! lol

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hmmm. I don't blog but my husband and I have dabbled in this community and it looks like we are finally "all in"...at least in theory. Still working on it (though the more I read, the more I'm figuring out that this will always be a changing work in progress).

    I believe I am a natural submissive in terms of my nature (I like to please, I like having somebody give me structure) yet I am also sometimes (often?) opinionated and stubborn so it's kind of a weird mix. On the other hand, submissive doesn't mean a bathmat, right? SO I guess the definition depends partly on the dynamic. I'd be a mess in a very strict D/s relationship. My husband isn't a natural dominant, but does have a dominant side to him that comes out especially when my submissive side is showing the need to be nurtured.
    Yikes. This sure is confusing.
    Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe what matters is the relationship and what the two people in the relationship do to make themselves a closer, more cohesive unit. Maybe there doesn't need to be "a" definition - maybe the definition is how it defines itself in any given moment.
    Well, you sure have me thinking! Lol! I'm thrilled to find your blog and I'll be exploring it for sure. I think many years ago when I found info about ttwd and shared it with my husband who outright said "no way", I was reading your blog. What a difference a few years makes ;)
    I am always so amazed and grateful that there are bloggers such as yourself who will share. Truly, I thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi Deena!

    Welcome. I was just sitting here literally about to start a new post- trust me this is a huge deal for me being 'gone' from the public eye for so long, and read your post. Thank you so much for sharing here. More than processing outloud ( which anyone who knows me face to face knows I do that A LOT! LOL) blogging to me has always been about the comments and how we delve deeper with each other. I am so grateful when people come along and share their thoughts and experiences on my posts. I am a true believer that we are all better for sharing. But then again maybe that is just another part of my process.

    Anyway I totally agree with you on definitions. I do think labels have benefits but more as category headers than anything else. I think 'natural' or not ttwd takes a lot of effort for everyone involved.

    I am happy to hear that your husband moved from NO WAY! If you read here years ago you will probably gather that Barney said yes right away but often his actions seemed to dictate otherwise. LOL. Old habits are definitely difficult to break!

    Oh shoot forgot to mention, I think you can be naturally inclined to be submissive and still be stubborn and independent. As I mentioned on Amy and Eric's blog, they are not mutually exclusive. Being stubborn is one thing, being prideful, fearful, self righteous is another. For myself personally most of those things generally mean I am hiding something, even from myself!

    I hope you come back again Deena.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the warm welcome! Count me in as a "regular" reader. Though I don't blog about TTWD I do blog about our family (adult daughter with autism) so I so appreciate the honesty and how difficult it can be to share your world. I cannot tell you how much I've learned from so many, here in blogland. Looking forward to getting to know one another ;)

      Delete