Monday, March 25, 2019

Personal Acceptance ( And a slew of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days)


I've had a bad day.  I am not special we all have bad days, and we all will again.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times.  But unlike Alexander in the children's story book with his 'Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'  I wasn't a victim of circumstance.  I was a victim of my own worst enemy, the one that is located between my ears.

I've had a bad day.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times......until one bad day turns into two, or 5 out of 7.  There can often be a snowballing effect that occurs with bad days.  I once read a quote that was similar to " You will keep making the same mistake until you learn from it".  I am not sure I could pin point the actual 'mistake' in these bad days beyond mindset.  How my mindset got to where it was started long ago....but before that, when things were actually 'worse' my mindset wasn't.

Okay I've talked in circles long enough. Years ago, back in 2016, which might not actually be enough time in the vanilla world to use the expression "years ago" but those of us living in ttwd world we know we can live a lifetime in a week...so years ago....I discovered I was *a* submissive.  I wrote an entire post on it and what the significance of this meant to me.  I can link it below if winter is still long wherever you live and you want to read it.  Anyway, that time in my personal life was the most amazing time.  Don't get me wrong, life around me was falling a part.  A family member was dealing with a mental health crisis that was taking its toll on everyone.  Despite life not being perfect I had an inner calm about me.  I wasn't 'searching' for me any longer- not that I realized I had been to that degree.  And even if I had, if you had told me in October 2012 when I started this blog if I was a submissive I would have looked at you like you had two heads!  ( I didn't even like reading the words sub and Dom in print).

Over the years I have joked here and there about being the Poster Children for Dysfunctional Dd ( and later D/s).  I think I once wrote that we were like two blindfolded, naked people wandering around in a room full of cacti, ( you're welcome for the visual). After I made my discovery concerning my inner core, while speed bumps along the way didn't hurt any less as far as our dynamic went, I was still able to pick myself up and know I could be true to me through my submission.

Skip ahead 3 years.  Life has actually gotten better ( please powers that be don't show me you still can make it rain on our parade) but our dynamic has suffered as of late.  It isn't gone.  It isn't even on the back burner, but I am.  After 7 years.  I am not used to this feeling.  

So back to my " Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".  Somewhere in the middle of our adventure with D/s I began this odd habit if you will. If I was very, very upset, I would find a small nook in our house and cram myself in it to basically bawl my eyes out.  Over the years this diminished to non-existent actually.  There would be the few bathtub, body racking sobbing...but no more making myself as small as possible- until recently again.

I could point fingers and give all sorts of examples as to why I am where I am at mentally- but honestly that isn't going to change the real issue here.  Whether Barney is 'reaching' me with his words, actions, attentions shouldn't be the point.  And for years it really wasn't THE main point.  We started off very slow in some ways with ttwd.  The rules and expectations where there but the consequences were sporadic at best.  I didn't live the life of " Your submission will build his Dominance'.  It just didn't work that way for the first few years of Dd for us. ( Maybe some day B will write his version of why this was but it isn't my complete story to tell).  I am not mentioning this to bring down my husband just to illustrate how my mindset has been altered from where it once was.

My post on being *a* submissive was at a time when I finally accepted who I was- wholly.  Or who I was at that point of discovery in my life. I didn't bring Dd to Barney for accountability, or because I thought it was erotic (not that I view either of those things as bad or less than my situation).  I brought ttwd because I wanted to feel a deep, profound connection with my husband.  I didn't know exactly how it would do that but I read blogs back then and they talked of how life was pre Dd and post Dd and I wanted that no matter what!  I knew that I was the issue ( so I thought 100% at the time).  Not because we fought or I was a shrew, but because I kept myself closed and guarded.  I didn't know why, but I thought maybe relinquishing control to another would help that.  And it did...(and yes knowing that if I didn't do something there might be a slight chance I'd be held accountable for it was erotic...though again back then it was really not probably going to happen).  When B accepted Dd he was as lost as I was.  My submissive post solidified a time in our relationship where we accepted who I was.  I didn't NEED him to be submissive, but he was there to show me he wanted my submission, to help me maintain it and to give me the confidence to accept it in myself because he accepted/wanted/desired it.

Sounds so backwards when I reread that.  I basically needed Barney to accept Dd/D/s so that I could accept myself? Is that not the opposite of what we try to teach our children?  You can't love others if you don't love yourself and all that jazz?...Right back to the cramming and tub crying point.  Today I was in an empty tub sobbing after a "Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (half )Day"  Something Barney had said to me in haste opened up the floodgates for a different reason- beyond feeling frustrated and misunderstood.  It wasn't until I had almost exhausted myself that I had the realization of why I was so upset.

I have long known that I have been struggling with something.  I haven't felt myself for a while now.  Unlike countless, previous times, I have been unable or more aptly unwilling to do what it took to ground myself again back to my core.  I wasn't allowing Barney's words or actions to build my submission like I used to either.  It's actually been like an out of body experience ( um in theory).  I've been deflecting and projecting ( oh don't get me wrong here, I didn't get here on my own...LMAO  but again not the point of this post).  His words today maybe me realize what I was hiding- shame.  I've seen snippets of it here and there.  There have been discussions with Barney and a close friend about sometimes 'hating my submission'.  I have thought " why can't I just be normal'?  Why do I have this need?  Other people seem completely happy and they don't live a different life ( yes , yes who knows for sure).    After my momentous discovery in 2016 and the calm that came over me for a few years after that, I have reverted back to no longer accepting this part of me.

I have no personally valid reason to feel this way.  Could be the dreaded 'HORROR MOANS' or declining numbers of them?  Could be the struggles we've had brought about by various aspects of Barney's growth over time and what that means to him.? Regardless of how it happened, I just can't believe it actually HAS happened.

When we started I was a runner- oh hell no not in the literal sense!  But I would run from any an all confrontation, unless I was steamed and it wasn't about me.  I would roll up like a pill bug at the first sight of uncomfortable emotions.  I later became a digger.  Excavating why?  Why did I react like this?  What has happened in my past to bring out these emotions- was it my past with B or before that?  How do I get passed this.  Now it would appear I am back to running and rolling up.  Nothing will ever change until I turn back to digging again.  

 I can sit here and tell you all the things I should do- one foot in front of the other., communication, writing ( oh yay I did one! ) but my wanting to embrace my need has to be there. I know fear has a great deal to do with it, but fear never used to stop me before. I just don't understand why after so many years, I lost it to this degree.  There is a weakness for me to have the mentality that I  need Barney to validate me through our dynamic.  That is never going to work for the long haul.  It seems like submission built on a house of cards- one gust of wind and it would all come tumbling down. I need to feel my submission is safe and accepted by me first.  I just don't understand how to do that.

One thing I do know my " Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" will continue to multiply if I can't find away back to personal acceptance.  So I suppose that is a start.

( Submissive post from 2016 ~~~~~> I am.....terrified)

11 comments:

  1. Hi Willie, it's so good to see you posting again :) I am so sorry though for the reason you are posting and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad days.

    Having followed your...um..adventure into dd/D/s I have seen you and Barney go through so much together, your acceptance of your roles and finding your own way that worked for you.

    Acceptance of our need is something we all struggle with and I was so happy you found acceptance. You and Barney seemed in a really good place ttwd wise.

    Why you should be struggling with acceptance again now I have no idea. Are you able to pin point when you started feeling this way and what led up to it? In reality probably a combination of things. I truly hope you are able to find acceptance again.

    Much love

    Roz

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  2. Hey Roz.

    I'll be alright- First World Problems and all that stuff. Even then I suppose it isn't even that big of a First World Problem. LOL

    Can I pinpoint when it started to happen. Yes I have a good idea, and I did bring that up long ago ( it was a bit of a slow process) to B. I am assuming because it was a long, drawn out process that it will also be a long return. I am still hopeful it will return and return fast, but it is concerning to me how one can loose it.

    I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Goodness knows over the years I have lost my confidence in my ability to be an effective parent. So maybe this is a similar situation? As you can see, I have one part figured out, but there are still many swirling thoughts in my head I can't articulate.

    Thanks for the lovin'
    willie

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  3. Well I am certainly glad to see you blogging. It's not the same without you around. It tales a lot of strength to be submissive, not weakness. And if it isn't ttwd, there is something else that we would be working on to make our marriage the best possible. I hope that you find what you are looking for and I hope that "normal" isn't what you want. There is no normal. We really need to talk. I am so sorry that I haven't reached out to you sooner. Hang in there and keep writing!

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  4. Attempting to use my phone to reply so no doubt this will have more than my usual mistakes. Lol.

    I know there is no such thing as normal. It is the big lie. I tell my kids that all the time. I'm also fairly well versed in not being conventionally normal in a lot of areas of life. I don't think that the normalcy is quite the issue it is the overt effort ttwd requires. It is a blessing in many ways, but every once and a while I'd like easy...like it used to feel.

    No doubt it is winter blues, cabin fever, peri menopause and well Barney, (lol) that has me off centre.

    As I said to Roz's, I'm fine. I'm not walking around crying or ripping people's heads off ( much). I just feel my comfort zone had disappeared. I miss myself.

    Thanks for popping by again!

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  5. Oh..how I have missed reading here...this is my second post of yours that I read today...I have to go slowly..because 1. you give me so much to think about and 1. I find myself nodding my head so much my neck gets stiff..well almost. It took me so very very long to accept that I was a submissive..and that it was OK to be submissive....before M, I was quite the in charge person..at home, in my classroom, as the eldest in the family..etc. etc...M came along...and my worry changed to...is this normal?....You know what..normal is so very much over rated! I blame menopause for your...wondering what is happening ...I blamed my menopause time for most things...it did get me out of one or two spankings...
    Your writing is always so raw and honest....you are such a help to so many..thanks!
    hugs abby

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    1. Hey my " Submissive Soul Sister" is back!!!

      I have to admit, writing again isn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be! LOL. And as to your neck getting (almost) stiff from nodding...I think we both know it has had its share of exercise with that action that that line wasn't believable. *wink*.

      I too was in charge before ttwd- but I discovered last year that in our relationship pre Dd I was in charge because I thought that is what Barney had expected of me. I was good at it, AM good at it, but it feels like a shoe that is too tight. Once we started Dd and it morphed into the deeper giving up of control, things felt so right. I didn't actually question why or if it was normal. I felt free. Not of responsibility but of weight. All that armour I was carrying around to protect myself wasn't needed- some days that armour is back and soldered on. I don't like it one bit!

      Normally I am of the mindset " If you don't like it, change it" but I feel so stuck ( oh the drama. LOL). It is a very foreign feeling for me. Sure I am human and get feelings of frustration, being stuck, down, but generally they don't last. Maybe you're right, maybe it IS Menopause. This slowly turning into my father stuff sucks!!!

      I'm so happy you came back just around the time I started writing again. Your comment and the kind ones before you really are good for the soul, so I will thank YOU for accepting my raw and honest (not to mention LONG) posts and encouraging me!

      willie

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  6. Wow, willie, did you have a listening device in my house the past few weeks? The Duke and I have talked a lot about this in our own marriage. I too asked if it was menopause, even though it would be early. I told you in chat about my need all the sudden to push back, and the fear builds. Will he have me, will we fall, do I really need him to dominate me to be the submissive I am? So many questions, we had our first fight in quite a while this week because of it all. :( I don't know the answers, sorry, but I can relate, on some level, to that fear, unsteady feeling, hiding, running... I haven't really figured out yet why it's happening here, but I'll let you know when I do. I'm sorry for your bad day, but hope writing all this out helps. As for normal... well, we're not normal, normal is never going to work for us. It's never going to fulfill us, or make us happy. Oh boy, what would we have to sacrifice for normal to work for us? *shudder* It's just not worth the thought. :)
    EsMay

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    1. Hey EsMay,

      Nice to see you again here. No I didn't have a listening device in your house, lol...but I do know it happens in almost every D/s house once and a while ( a while could mean every few years or once a month/week etc.). I know the type of fight you are referring to and they are NOT fun. Not that any fight is fun, but after living in peaceful, submissive bliss, that fight brings deeper wounds- though hopefully only temporary).

      B and I have been talking a length about the whys of this situation. He has a theory, which I know is most likely correct though it seems horrible to share outside of the context of our conversation. What I mean to say is that it seems a bit too one sided (ie he's taking the responsibility entirely ) and currently I agree. The issue is I *know* I have a responsibility as well. I have to have.

      Anyway, as for the normal portion of this post, I should clarify (though that could be a post unto itself). Perhaps I will just edit this one to include further confusion. When I said I wanted to be normal, I really wasn't referring to being submissive. I don't care about that- it's who I am. I resent that I NEED certain aspects of this dynamic to feel accepted and unguarded. Many people can just 'be' and embrace life to the fullest without this lifestyle and its physicality. I cannot it would appear.

      Oh I wanted to share a link with you- in reference to your pushing back. I know for myself I was/am definitely the first sub he describes. Not referring to the public at large, though I suppose it is true as well, but as far as B goes. I didn't have to change my acts of service or even concentrate on them once we started Dd. I may have pinpointed areas that I discovered he liked more, but I always 'knew' and did what he wanted and then some ( which is why I am confused as to why I am finding myself 'here' at the moment). My sister refers to me as 'an anticipator'. I mention this because lately I find myself perhaps more in the second category he mentions- which isn't actually true to who I used to be. I don't think the second one is a 'bad' sub. I think for many that is who they are, and there is nothing wrong with that. I think perhaps many believe they are in the first category because they need to be to get ttwd moving, and once things are as they should be they discover they are the second? Also I think many start out in the second to discover they are the first with fears? Basically I think there are circumstances that move us along the sliding scale. Does it matter in the long run, not if our partners know where we are at? Doubtful

      willie..

      the link -> https://limitsunleashed.com/2014/07/29/submissives-asking-and-fear/

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  7. Willie, First of all, I love that book and your artwork is quite good. :) Second, oh girl, we sound a lot alike in this one. Wondering about menopause over here. Have always been a runner; from myself and my situations. The fortunate thing for me is I don't have to worry about how to resolve my issues because you, as we discovered earlier, are about 5 years ahead of me in AGE. Just kidding. In TTWD. I'll just sit tight and let you figure it all out. :)
    Amy

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  8. Oh well if I'm 5 years ahead of you you should be in a good place right now...LMAO! I don't run like I used to years ago, but I have adopted some form of it again. I am slowly-SLOWLY starting to maybe, possibly emerge from behind this armour of mine. Okay maybe peaking my head out.

    B has started a 'plan of action' after many discussions. The one last night seemed to strike home with both of us. I'd say here's hoping, but...LOL.

    And YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME! ( just sayin' *wink* )

    willie

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    1. ps. Thanks for the comment about my 'artwork' I'm also greatly out of practice with that and actually don't have the programs I used to have access to years ago when I blogged on a regular basis. But it was a lot of fun goofing around.

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