Monday, April 8, 2019

What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?



Barney has (more in the past than of late) given me written submissive exercises.  I find the the reflection they require, depending of course on the subject matter greatly helps me keep in touch with who I am and who I desire to be.  

This was one given to me well over a year ago- I thought I'd share here.


 What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

Respond to assignment in a minimum 300 words.  To be completed for me before 10 pm tonight.  Leave computer on island for me to read when I get home.
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Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn. However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd. Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.



In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing. While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area. PRIDE.




The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.



I ended up finding many things on various religious sites. The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this: Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves. I am no stranger to this. It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs. It is pride that stops me from submitting. I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride. I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times. Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you. The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up. As you can also see, I can become condemnatory. By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.



Pride is a force field of sorts. It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women). Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW I am the primary reason for it. Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride. The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.



I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course. I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me. At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels. The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late. The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.



I need your help on this there is no denying it. If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments. If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you. It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride. I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers. After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep. I can’t be the one who fails at it.


15 comments:

  1. WOW...I read this twice...and then wished I had written it. M and I have discussed...what is the biggest road block to my submissiveness...those times when it seems to disappear and cannot be found.. I am stubborn but like you...I find my stubborness has its place in my submission and is at times helpful. What is it that prevents me ...at times...from asking for help, from sharing the conversations I have with my voices, from being totally open....it is pride. Thank you for sharing this...and for much food for thought...and yes,I am going to have M read it...hugs abby

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    1. Hey Abby,

      Another post you had to read twice? I really should cut down on the word count! I hope M didn't have to read it twice as well. LOL.

      I know my pride gets in the way I would say now ( as I originally wrote this almost a year ago) my pride is a cloak for my fear.

      Thanks for sharing with me again. I do love to read your comments.

      willie

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  2. Hi Willie, I agree with Abby, this is a great post and good food for though. Thank you for sharing.

    I can imagine these written assignments are a great submissive exercise. This was some question from Barney and it would have taken alot of self reflection on your part to answer.

    There are many types of pride and pride can often get in the way or hold us back.

    Much love

    Roz

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    1. Heya Lady!

      Don't tell B but I love these exercises. Somewhere in my messed up brain I feel like submissive exercises should be taxing but I do love to reflect and think. He once wanted me to write a political essay- that idea was NOT one I was fond of. LOL.

      You are right on the many types of pride and them holding us back. Some times I wish my mind worked in black and white- I think life could be a bit easier that way. But then again the grass is always greener on the other side right? Or would that be blacker? lol

      love
      willie

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  3. What a great question and a thought provoking answer. It's good to see you blogging (I would have been here sooner if I hadn't quit checking email.) Looking forward to reading more of your reflections.

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    1. Welcome back Olivia,

      I am still a bit uncertain about this blogging business. LOL. I enjoy it but it does cause a bit of anxiety. It never used to do that. We shall see how long I last. LOL. I understand the not checking emails. I often 'go under' in various ways. Funny I never used to be like that. Hoping some day to get my feet firmly planted here again. Encouraging comments and interactions from people like you certainly help!

      Thanks for returning
      willie

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  4. But it is in failure that we succeed because we must if nothing admit to ourselves where we have messed up and once we embrace that moving forward is possible.

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    1. Hi Tiffany.

      Very true, " mistakes mean we are trying". The willingness to see our weaknesses/failures allows us to work on them and (hopefully) ultimately correct them. Unfortunately it can be a very slow process. Though, I suppose embracing the fact that there is a process at all is key.

      Thanks for taking the time,
      willie

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  5. Your reflections on pride are thought provoking. Pride is a multidimensional emotion. I go at this from a different perspective, but see the truth all the same. Like you, I know I am submissive at the core. However, the need to be vulnerable in order for that to surface is difficult. When did Barney first see the value in giving you submissive exercises?
    Mignon

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    1. Hi Mignon,

      Do feel free to share how you come at this from a different perspective! My comment section is always open for discussion.

      Ah, vulnerable- the necessary 'evil' to get where we need to be. To let out what we know is inside in order to be free. It is that first step, each and every time toward it that is scary, and in truth how I 'justify' being prideful. It is what I sometimes hide behind when I am fearful.

      I will have to ask B about your question. Perhaps he will answer it himself. If not I shall return with his answer.

      Great to see you again, and I am serious if you'd like to expand on your comment (or future ones) by all means, feel free!

      willie

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    2. Hi Mignon,

      Its been a couple of years, at least, since I became aware of submissive exercises. I think I started assigning these when I knew I would be away at work for long periods of time. The exercises serve many purposes. For instance, they allow me to initiate and challenge willie's submissive core and maintain some level of dominance when I might not be able to, otherwise, communicate for long periods of time in any significant way. I also still feel connected to willie and acknowledging of her submissive reality when I'm not there physically. I want willie to always feel my presence. When we can spend planned time together these exercises give me a starting place to build or re-establish our connection and help me re-focus. Lastly, I want willie to communicate to me and this gives her a platform to do so and helps her (I believe) to further engage her vulnerabilities. These exercises give me info that I do not always remember or cultivate to potential and this can be very frustrating (especially for willie). I want to show her I am accepting of what her vulnerability has given me and her submissive core but that has been a struggle at times.
      Hope this is helpful.


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  6. Barney stepped up his game with this question. I don't know if I could do half as good as you did in thinking it all through. Well done. Barney is your safe place but it is still hard for you to be totally vulnerable. You are a tough cookie. Please keep sharing these thoughts with us.

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  7. Welcome back!

    I think B found a website last year with these type of questions on them, though I am not sure. To be honest, he still has to find ones that speak to me. I have tried on my own to use writing prompts concerning submission but they lack in depth for *me*. I do enjoy reading others but - well guess I'm just a weirdo. LOL.

    I appreciate your kind words about doing it a good job. As I just mentioned I think it is the type of question that inspires me to dig deep. I do generally have to google the key word in his questions for a dictionary definition before I can proceed. He just gave me one on pain. Perhaps I will share it soon.

    It is hard for me to be totally vulnerable- now. A few years ago it was so easy. I felt so amazing, light hearted and free! Our goal is to get back there again. You'd think it would be easier because I had been there once for a long time. The truth is it is far more difficult to obtain that again. I wouldn't say I'm a tough cookie. LOL. I just am fantastic at maintaining a force field.

    Love when you stop by,
    willie

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  8. willie, what a great exercise. I have wondered if writing exercises would help my submission. We have talked about it, but have not gotten any further. Hmmm that dreaded pride. :( I too find sometimes I'm too afraid to look inside, and see, what's really there. Getting braver, but there have been some several hard times along the way. :(

    Did he give you a reply, in written or oral form of what he thought of your letter?

    EsMay

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  9. Hi EsMay,

    Writing exercises have always helped me. Years ago I did an online course something called Jouney to the Centre of Me...(not really what it was called) but it moved mountains in me. I try to find things to inspire me on my own but lately I have found those lacking. It has been a while since B has asked for one- but he did yesterday. I haven't decided (ie if I am comfortable enough to share it) yet if I will post it here.

    B talks to me about my assignments. Often ( like today) those conversations don't go well initially. Why? Well because he's a typical guy and when I have exposed myself for him in print I feel more raw, it doesn't take much for him to say the wrong expression and I am hurt. Maybe more on that later! LOL. B doesn't like to write ( which is also probably why he doesn't understand what it takes to have it all out there either).

    willie

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