Wednesday, September 11, 2019

When You Struggle



When you struggle do you feel like you could be kicked out of the club?

When you struggle do you feel you don't belong?

When you struggle do you feel you have no right?

When you struggle do you feel what once was, wasn't?

When you struggle where do you live? In the past? In the present or in the future? Where do you focus your energy?

When you struggle where do you turn?  Do you turn toward or away?  Inside or out?

When you struggle do you allow yourself to be okay with the struggle?

When you struggle do you understand it is an opportunity for growth?

When you struggle you do reflect or deflect?

When you struggle what do you look for?  A reason or an excuse?  A way out or a way to stay?

When you struggle do you allow this to be a future teaching moment in empathy toward others who struggle too?

When you struggle what do you need?

When you struggle do you voice what you need or take action to get what you need?



My observation has been that we ALL struggle in multiple aspects of our lives at various points.  Ttwd is no exception, and the struggles that come with ttwd might appear to be only ttwd related but usually there is some underlying 'vanilla' reason for it showing up in our dynamics.

I was inspired to blog this week by someone.  She was kind and generous with her words.  She reminded me what was at the core of why I started blogging long ago.  I miss that the majority of my friends ( but thankful not all ) are no longer visually active in blogland, because I think their voices could really be appreciated.  They poured out their lives on their blogs and in the comment section of other blogs.They stuck to their stories of struggles and mini victories.   But for many it was their time to move away from being seen here.  And I respect their right.  Doesn't mean I like it though.


 So why blog today? Because ttwd can be very solitary at times.  Especially in times when we struggle.  We can turn to friends, blogs, chats, and hear that we all struggle, but when it gets right down to it, do we really feel like we are not unique in our struggle?  We are all unique in our struggle.  The only thing that isn't unique is that we all struggle. We might not all share our struggles, but trust me everyone struggles.  Struggling is not a weakness.  Struggling doesn't mean the advice you gave someone last week ( and perhaps the advice you can't seem to take yourself this week) isn't valid.  It just shows you're human, with emotions, fears, insecurities, or even perhaps pride, arrogance, ignorance.

Living in, wanting, needing, hoping for, a power exchange dynamic often brings times of more questions than answers.  Feelings of drowning in emotions.  Feelings of who is this person and where did I go?  How did I get here?  Where did it go wrong?  Am I wrong?  Why am I afraid, we've been through so much already?  Why am I struggling over this again?  I thought I/we were past this?  This isn't us, is it? I can't possibly like this? Can I?  Who's needs matter more?  Should I have needs? Are my needs too much?  Are we compatible still?

 You know, sometimes living this life just allows some of us to feel things that we wouldn't before.  That we couldn't before. No doubt people out there don't need ttwd to realize these feelings.  I for one am not one of those people.  I knew those feelings existed ( or some ) I just didn't ALLOW them to be there.  Sometimes when things get too hard, I still don't allow them.

Can I tell you what formula adds up to that point?  The point that I won't allow those feelings to surface? It varies.  One day it is this, the next day it is that.  Not very helpful when it comes to the C word, 'COMMUNICATION".  Communication, ah yes the answer to all our struggles, but let's be honest here, sometimes we don't know how to communicate to others because we are struggling to communicate to ourselves.

Yes, struggling happens in all walks of life.  It only feels more brutal with ttwd.  LOL.   The best way I have found to deal with these struggles until they are no longer struggles is to share them.  Voicing them takes a bit of the power from the struggle away.  Sharing them often allows you to release some of the questions that aren't applicable to the current struggle, thus weighing it down less.  It can clear the mind of unnecessary fog and then moving out of the struggle can sometimes seem not as daunting.


Ttwd often has us coming out again and again.  First to voice a need, then to voice many other things- even when we are not sure what those things are.  Sharing we struggle, sharing we aren't perfect just because we have been doing this or that for this or that amount of time should not make us feel shame.  It should give us strength that we are continuing on our authentic journey.

So here goes nothing, I am Wilma Rubble and I Struggle.  Some days more than others, some months more than others.  My Dd D/s life isn't perfect.  My husband/Dom isn't perfect.  Sometimes he's a reason for my struggle, sometimes I am a reason for my struggle.  Sometimes neither is.  At times I am fearful, ashamed, hide behind self righteousness, hide behind anger.  I get frustrated.  I feel dismissed.  I feel selfish.  I feel lost.  I feel unsubmissive...sometimes all of these things in the span of minutes.  Does that mean I feel our relationship is a failure?  Or our marriage is doomed or that we don't love each other, despite being furious?  No . Does a spanking make it all better?  In most situations not really.  He may feel better, or it may clear some of the air, but until the struggle is rectified, it will continue.  And struggles will continue because we are not stagnant people ( even though sometimes we both feel each other is ).   As much as I wish our surroundings stayed 'status quo' they don't either.  So we struggle.  I struggle. I hate it! I'm ashamed of it.  I'm frustrated by it, but you know what?  I live. I have survived every single one of my worst days.  So has our dynamic. 





8 comments:

  1. ( brought over from Willie's World- some day I hope to have everyone back to reading here. But until that time....)
    PenelopeSeptember 11, 2019 at 5:21 PM
    "Who's needs matter more? Should I have needs? Are my needs too much?" THIS gets me every time! Almost every day. I think it would be so much easier if Garf's needs were the match for mine, but this all feels like it's about me and what Iwant/need ... that can really make me feel some stuff and it's usually not good. Great post as usual Willie!

    ********** RESPONSE*************
    willieSeptember 11, 2019 at 6:29 PM
    Hey Penelope!

    I am fairly certain you and I are not alone in that area. I know B struggles at times with this too. Lore of Domland is that his wants should be paramount and they should be in our house at least but ignoring or dismissing what has been proven effective for me for long (okay NOT long) periods of times has a negative effect making the things he gets from this dynamic hollow and sooooo many negative thoughts and feelings arise.

    As for Garf's needs. Give him time. He has to give himself permission to be what he might think/feel is selfish. Trust me there was a time I never thought I'd say to B, "what about ME? " LOL or hear him say, " Control is intoxicating". He still struggles with the idea that his needs are okay and that he didn't bring this to our relationship.

    Ideally a balance of needs/wants is found and established (not to be confused with egalitarian of course) so everyone feels fulfilled. I think, I know rather that we all grow at different rates. When B started to examine his sadistic side that was the first time I thought maybe I couldn't do this for him, yet I wanted to so badly. It was very confusing emotionally for me. I hated doing it physically, but I loved that I could submit to his genuine need. It affected me deeply, yet I'm certain it didn't present itself to B that way. I try to remember that when I believe he is conflicted.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting Penny!



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  2. Hi Willie,

    This is such a great post and those are great questions and questions many of us ask ourselves from time to time.

    We do all struggle, in different aspects of life at times. Our struggles and how we cope with, and deal with them is unique to each of us.

    When it comes to ttwd related struggles, while they are unique to us, I think they are 'familiar' to others who practice. It's wonderful to have this place where we can share and receive support and know we are not alone.

    Much love
    Roz

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  3. Moving over comments from the Willie's World Blog as I will be eventually taking it down.

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  4. Ava PennimanSeptember 12, 2019 at 8:57 AM
    Willie! So glad to see you post! I have been going through Willie Withdrawal Syndrome since I finished reading through your ENTIRE blog! Took almost a month! Since then I have been missing your voice! I would read through a lengthy post, and then ALL those comments, and still just have to click “newer post” to see what happened next!

    I value your voice!

    As always you bring forth the deeper side of This Thing We Do. And, the deeper things are harder to put into words, and even to understand ourselves! One thing my husband and I have learned is that doing our dynamic is unpredictable. We can do basically the same thing as usual, and yet I respond differently, another emotion pops up and can derail us and we don’t get the desired result. Like, no “melty”! This happened last week. At this point 4 ½ years in, at least I can just honestly tell him I don’t know why I responded this way. He is better than I at just accepting it and moving on. As long as I don’t imply it was something he did, that is! Then he gets upset!

    We have learned that I need VERY regular attention to stay in my happy place! Otherwise I revert to my factory settings, logical, very analytical, not submissive in the slightest!

    For me even at those times when it seems we are walking in the dark, I still remember the light I saw before and those peak experiences and I stumble forward. Which is Faith, actually. Also I am very stubborn!

    Willie, this is a great post. You are a voice of wisdom, and of encouragement. I greatly admire your courage in being so transparently honest. I see it as a great strength. Some only want to show the side in which they look the best and not admit the other. But that doesn’t help anybody!

    I wish I had more time because I feel there is more to be said, but I must go.

    Thank you for this post!

    Love, Ava

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    1. willieSeptember 25, 2019 at 8:28 AM
      Ava,

      I love your enthusism in regard to my writing. I mentioned to Penny that I am going to be taking this blog down and going strictly with Barney Married Wilma. This was never really meant to be a blog. I only opened it to give the people who read my private blog a heads up when I posted as private blogs do not update on blogger. Now that I am no longer private, I don't need this blog. My almost 8 years of this adventure are located on the other blog ;).

      Okay now to your comment. LOL.


      I can totally relate to 'no melty' though this happened much sooner in our dynamic than 4.5 years. So Yay you! Actually that is how I came to get to know very good friends of ours. I was talking in a chat room about how I don't 'melt' every time I get punished. In fact some times I am steaming mad. Up popped and email telling me this was completely normal.

      Years ago there was a blogger who posted about the stages of spanking ( Kicking myself for not copying and pasting the post to save it. Back then I never assumed posts/bloggers would disappear I guess). The post stuck with me because one of those stages was anger. Sure we want ttwd BUT when you are getting spanked and it isn't a 'tap, tap, tapping' your body responds to the pain stimulus. Some of us in anger. Some of us in sadness. It varies no doubt. So B would spank (hard) and my body would go into anger mode to deal with the pain. If he stopped before my body adjusted and my mind/heart surrendered .....NO MELTY. He learned to ask questions during and based on my responses continue or not until I surrendered...AND THEN it changed again. LOL...Now I may have to wait an hour or so before (as Susie once said) " The brain/heart catches up to the bum". It is more a delayed reaction.

      ( oh looks like I have to do with in two parts...too wordy again)

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    2. willieSeptember 25, 2019 at 8:29 AM
      As for 'very regular attention', I think that is completely normal for many in ttwd. I know when B was mostly 'just Dd' and reactionary to me versus creating situations where his dominance was felt throughout the day in vanilla ways, the regular attention helped keep me less guarded and more free to feel submissive...until of course THAT no longer worked. LOL...So much fun isn't it? lol

      Stubborness is an EXCELLENT quality with ttwd, provided it is channeled in the right direction. I know for us if it wasn't for my stubbornness ttwd would have fallen by the wayside several years ago. Thankfully now, despite growing pains, which often manifest themselves in ways that look like stagnant times, B is equally as stubborn to bring us back. It took a long while for him to discover what he liked ( beyond just me being submissive) about ttwd and how it was okay to like it, crave it, want it...NEED it.

      Once again Ava, your words are so kind toward me. I hope I am encouraging. Not so sure about the wisdom part- LOL. I think many need to write about the good only to possibly get them through ( though no doubt there are others who write about the good to make themselves look good as well ;) ). Writing about the good is a process unto itself I suppose. For me I need to share the bad, more than the good to process. Once upon a time it was the voices of other bloggers who helped me through those difficult times, making me realize we are not alone in our struggles. I cling to those feelings and hope that maybe even though the countless readers who don't comment but read here gain something from our experiences. Though admittedly I miss the interaction that used to occur out in the open in blog land. I read so often that 'blogland is dead' . No it's not. But people refuse to move beyond the 15 blogs they have on their blog roll. Meh, to each his own. I am here to support and to learn and grow. STILL. I can't fathom knowing it all. It isn't possible. As you said you keep changing. Ideally that is the point! LOL

      If every you want to post here as a post Ava, I'd certainly open my blog to you. No pressure of course.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to engage with us!

      willie

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  5. Boosghost2September 12, 2019 at 1:57 PM
    Great post Willie, timely too. I am glad I am not alone and am ever so greatful for your help with my struggles!

    Boo

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    willieSeptember 25, 2019 at 8:30 AM
    Thanks Boo.

    Though I'm sorry you struggle too, but it's a honest fact of life !

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  6. Eric51Amy49September 13, 2019 at 10:36 PM
    Yes, yes, and yes. The struggle is real. I am all over the place right now with too many balls in the air but Eric is out of town so this moment of silence has turned into sadness and the struggles rear their ugly heads, leaving gratitude on the back burner.
    Amy

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    willieSeptember 25, 2019 at 8:32 AM
    Hey lady!

    I have always admired your ability to dig deep and share when you were struggling. You know once we had the 'discussion' of the purpose of your blog years ago. You bucked the norm, opened up and many responded to your honesty in kind.

    I hope you are making your way now. I know I am late in commenting here.

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