Sunday, April 4, 2021

Moving Toward to Deep Submissive Feelings ..then Wham! (But why?)


 Things used to be different, very different around here.  Despite what my husband believes I am not trying to romanticize the past.  We have had our struggles within the context of D/s and we have had our struggles in so many other aspects of our lives as well- I suspect the latter, especially now, is more comment than not with many these days. So I bought a dating book.

Can I blame the pandemic? In part, perhaps a bigger part than I am willing to admit as I do not work outside of our home and B works directly with the public.  Perhaps it is my ever fluctuating hormonal levels due to the slow transition into my father that has been occurring due to my age? But perhaps it is history repeating itself over and over again eroding trust and creating barriers that I had long thought were gone, or worse solidifying new ones for B?  Of course the simple answer would be to just plow through, and there is definitely merit to that- a great deal of merit.  However while plunging through may give instant results on the surface, the underlying issues that cause disconnect or confusion can still remain.   I discovered long ago I  need to know why I react or feel a certain way about something.  Trust me I truly wish I could just go with the flow and ride the wave to a better place not looking back- to me that seems most idealistic.

A little back story, years ago I used to be what I refer to as a 'runner'.  Sadly, not in the ACTUAL, physical sense. I would run from my emotions.  I perfected it actually.  When I was a kid and well into my teens, my eyes would well up at even the slightest hint of a a serious conversation, especially with my Dad.  Anyway I won't bore you with details, but tears were my deal, happy, angry, worried,  relieved, everything but sadness for some odd reason.  I trained myself to stop that.  Insert ttwd and for the first couple of years all of those tears I trained myself to hide came pouring out.  I know this isn't unusual for those in the lifestyle.  Emotions take on an entirely new life of their own once we start.

Eventually life evened out and not only did I embrace certain emotions I flourished because of them.  It was during this time I wrote a post entitled Fear.  I mention this post because in it I write about The Core Gift Theory and I find myself with a greater understanding of it's premise now than I did before.  While I wish I felt like I did when I wrote that post- in fact I'd give ANYTHING to feel that again, I know we have work to do in order for me to get there again. 


 I have a tendency to make my posts rather long so please forgive me for not explaining the above paragraph more and boldly suggesting you read it if you are curious so I can hopefully get to my point sooner- though no guarantees.  


So why did I buy a dating book? You can never be too prepared for the future and it's options.  I'm kidding.  I bought it because I reread my old post discussing my Core Gift and the bullseye theory.  The Fear post basically talks about how I feel when I'm on the bullseye which is a wonderful idea, but currently I am not there and the dating book discusses how or why we react to not being there.  I needed to know and more importantly I think I needed B to know why I react to things the way I do.  Initially I believe that is why I bought the book, but now I need to know why so that I can accept it and not feel ashamed.  Let me  see if I can explain a bit better.  


The book I purchased after clicking along further on the Psychology Today blog when rereading my old post (the article can be found here. ) I'm not saying necessarily that my Core Gift is my submission.  I actually haven't finished the book or the work that goes along with it to determine what my core 'gifts' are.  What I can tell you is that through submission my core gifts, whatever they may be, are exposed. 

 




What does this have to do with submission if I am not sure submission it's self is my core gift?  It has to do with how I react when my submission is brought to the surface.  A quote that resonated with me  was,

 " our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts"

( I'm too many years out of school to cite this reference, or numerous ones coming properly so forgive me plagiarism police).

When I am feeling like I am moving toward my submissive self in anyway, I can also feel the most hurt if something happens to pull me back from that direction.  I could argue that it should take me a long time to feel that deep hurt if I am longing to go into that direction, and for years it really did.  I set my track to my core and did everything and anything to try to keep my mind and heart focused on that area.  But life has a way of wearing you down at times and sadly I can say I haven't been as resilient as I had hoped lately.


Along with things within our house that toyed with my journey, I would say that other things have played a huge part.  The book goes on to discuss how when we are in or near our Core, we attract like minded people and they are drawn to us as we are to them.  In a submissive context I can most certainly say this was without a doubt true for me. 

 I used to believe that my submissive/Dom friends augmented our dynamic through discussion when our dynamic slowed or struggled, and in part that is true, however I now view it differently.  Those relationships  more augmented me not my dynamic.  Their acceptance of my authentic self, lolnot one I presented to others but who I really was, helped me stay closer to that self.  And I know the reverse was also true.  It was more than just believing in me when I couldn't, it was feeling me when I became too afraid to feel and wanted to run to the outer circles away from my core. 

" When someone recognizes our gifts, those gifts are given licence to come alive, to become generous, expressive and brave. The truth is, we need each other in order to grow- learn" ( pg 9)

 I still have these friendships, it has just 'been a year' for everyone.  The conversations and revelations have been far different due to many distractions and lack of emotional energy because of them.  So a deep part of me feels like it has been on pause ( again why I became interested in this book to begin with).

What is it that I need B to understand, and what do I need to acknowledge so I can push past and recreate?   There is another zone outside of my core, Ken Page  calls this The Zone of Protection.  He goes on to say that while being in or closer to our core, we often 'set up shop' here.  It is a place where we can feel the heat of our core, but not be burned by it.  I'd definitely say I have been setting up shop here more and more over the past year, but thankfully haven't moved into the furthest zone from my core.  Page explains:


"When our core gifts are touched, our reactions have a greater charge than usual, we may feel deeply inspired, highly emotional or surprisingly hurt"  

And as a result to being surprisingly hurt or highly emotional I leave my core area or my approaching journey toward it, usually by way of distancing followed by some sort of meltdown (I'm not proud, just honest )

"In your relationships, you may become prone to becoming angry or distant, when you feel wounded around your Core Gifts. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them you will shine" ( pg 38)

I feel a sense of loss when my submission is engaged,   and step 2 tends to be missing, or timely. 

 I shall give an example as opposed to just quoting this entire book.  Not too long ago B decided to use ice as a way for me to engage my submission.  He placed it in the usual spots, and it burned (not all sexual spots by the way) and then for whatever reason, he ran it all over my face, and lips. Again this was not a sexual thing.  For some reason, at the time unknown to me it deeply affected me.  When I start to become engaged in a significant way toward my submission, or my defenses/walls come down for those who don't identify with the word, I tend to go very quiet for a while  especially later. B ,out of frustration not long after brought up how I was 'not reacting' to him.  He did not remember that as contradictory as it may be, me not reacting is actually me reacting in a very significant way. I felt crushed for many reasons.  Prior to his comment, I had so many things inside I needed to share and wanted to talk to him about- why it seemed so odd for me and what I had discovered.  Instead, that vanished.  The thoughts were there but the feeling of giving every last aspect of myself over to him was gone.

" Core Gifts are often things we are ashamed of - try to fix or hide"

"Also the place we love from most fully"

...and THIS

"most of us have had minor or major “car crashes” around our gifts, because our deepest immaturity and greatest points of dysfunction usually surround these gifts. Without a good deal of hard work, we will keep making the same two basic mistakes around our Core Gifts: suppressing them or acting out (expressing them in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others) in connection with them. Whenever a gift hasn’t had a chance to mature, there will be a lack of grace in the way we express it, usually shown in behavior that is overly aggressive or unnecessarily timid.

"Our tears are a great gift because they reveal what matters most to us"

My take away from this is that my closing up isn't a complete failure to accessing my core it is a sign that we are definitely on our way there, it is just that pushing on has stopped. I have to relearn some of my responses and trust that things will be fine despite what I feel in that moment. I have to push aside the fear and the insecurity and stop distancing and moving away from my core. It is far different now than it was years ago when I first wrote my post on Fear. Back then I had been in the centre of the bullseye and stayed very close to it. Sometimes it is worse to dip your toes in the water and then be pushed back up on shore. The same must be true for B. There was a time he stood solid where he was, even if he believed it was briefly- we differ in our memories here.

The solution? To acknowledge why it happens, when it happens but more importantly to try to stay in the good zone mentally and emotionally longer and longer each time. Ken Page claims, " These moments are more than merely moments, they actually portals" going on to say the more time we enter them the more our ability..."

I often look back, as I'm sure many do, at how wonderful an experience was for me, due to where I felt after. Sadly sometimes, almost like a sub drop, I crashed after and exploded eventually revealing the complete opposite to B. His take away then became that complete opposite not the amazing transformation occurring within me- and perhaps diminishing or rewriting his own experience. Those are times I sincerely regret and hope that we can learn to adjust to in the future.

We have been discussing this in segments as there is a lot to digest while working with this book.   If you are curious the book is called

 Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

Book by Ken Page



27 comments:

  1. I read this post once and figured I needed a coffee, I'm only allowed 3 a day, you made me use up my last one :)

    So, first of all if I'm way off point with my observations/interpretations please let me know.

    Ok, so this sounds to me like a form of reactance in relation to submitting, by that I mean how we react to something is dependent on how much impact/meaning that has. An example would probably be best, if my Master said to me we was no longer going to eat pork, (bear with me) my reaction wouldn't be strong at all as I'm not too keen on pork so I would shrug it off and carry on.

    However if he was to decide that I was no longer permitted to look after my niece (which I do once a week) my reaction would be extremely high because it's important to me, the reactions themselves would be entirely negative and create conflict.

    Reactance basically is how we respond to circumstances and the emotions that these circumstances give us, the more important those circumstances/thing is will effect the level of how we react.

    If any of that makes any sense you deserve a gold star.

    Best wishes
    Claire

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    1. I'm only allowed 2 coffees a day, so you'll forgive me if I don't feel your pain. Lol! (Fear not, I have a tendency to drive people to drink, whether it be coffee to keep awake or alcohol to have their heads spinning for another reason other than my lengthy and jumbled posts)

      I absolutely understand what you are saying. And definitely that does apply with me in our house. I'd add that the reactance level doesn't always coincide with the importance to me of what I need to submit to. When I'm in my Submissive Happy Place, not much bothers me at all- anywhere, with B, with our kids struggles, here in blogland. It's all water off a duck's back. However if we, *I* am struggling or I feel disconnected to a degree ( because real disconnection has me indifferent and that is another issue lol) mole hills become mountains not moments like they should. Hurt is magnified and within the context of this dynamic I want out of that area emotionally and back to where I feel most connected and free. Therefore my disappointment when we stumble mid ride back there is tenfold.

      I really appreciate your comment and am thoroughly enjoying your interactions here in blogland.

      willie

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    2. oh you have me lol, well ok so maybe 3 coffees a day isn't too bad, although I didn't think so at the time!

      I liked what morningstar said, and thinks perhaps she might have hit the nail closer on the head than I did, but regardless I think what you feel in these moments is normal, frustrating yes and I myself am prone to making a bigger issue out of something that I need not to because I feel well lost! I wander also if perhaps a sense of complacency plays a part?

      I'm very much enjoying being here and getting to know you, so thank you for making me feel welcome, it's appreciated

      Claire

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    3. I have so much to say but B has taken my laptop away until tomorrow and I suck at typing on my phone! Urgh. It's a little maddening when you can't do things you want at times!. Well at least I get to read and make short comments

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  2. Hi Willie,

    Very interesting post. Lots to unpack here and I'm pondering. This sounds like 9 fascinating book, the quotes have certainly given me food for thought. I remembered your earlier post. I'll be back when I've digested this more :)

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Of course there's a lot to unpack. Lol. I can always tell when traffic is high but comments are low. What can I say, I'm the blogger that people don't know what to say to.

      I was talking with a former blogger about this post today and I wish she was still commenting. She had some interesting perspectives about this, friendships and the past year that would make for some great discussion.

      So pressure's on Roz...lol. I'm kidding as usual of course. Thanks for hanging in with this.

      willie

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  3. Ok - truthfully I read this last night - skimmed through the article and read your post Fear. why ?? because I was trying to get a handle on your post. Honestly thought it was my brain.. there are days it feels foggier than other days (old age?? Alzheimer's? ) and you are not the only one who can leave me questioning my ability to comprehend - there is a particular blogger who did it to me regularly.......

    I think my problem was - I had no concrete point of reference - no clear explanation... eg I am struggling with my submission when it isn't validated... or something like that. I felt perhaps I hadn't been reading here long enough to get the gist of this....... and because I didn't get the gist I worried any comment would be so far off base it would be laughable....

    Let me ask you this -- are you discovering how difficult submission can be sometimes ... and how it's difficult to hold on to those wonderful subbie feelings when everything is running smoothly?? I remember having times when the very last thing I wanted to do was kneel at his feet (figuratively and literally) what I wanted to do was slap someone!!

    anyway before I go on too much maybe off topic I'll wait till you sort me out a bit :)

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    1. First off thank you so much for taking the time to do all that stuff instead of just saying screw it and moving on. It means so much to me that you genuinely tried to understand.

      Secondly thanks for waiting, as you know B took my laptop then today he highjacked it. After he went to work he wanted me to post his comment, as he doesn't like using blogger to create his answers in he used Word and that caused me issues and took me away from your question AGAIN! sigh. lol.

      Now on to your question. I've never found submission difficult, not really. Perhaps what has been asked of me hasn't been that challenging? If anything I have talked myself OUT of being submissive at times. Have there been times I've failed at being submissive? ABSOLUTELY. But being the submissive I am supposed to be or doing what is expected of me never used to be a problem for me. Not being submissive was. NOW? After this past year, things have changed a bit. I'm not sure how much B wants me to put in a post but there were plenty of things that led to me moving further and further away from outwardly showing my submission. Truthfully it doesn't take much at all for me to start moving back to where I want to be, but what is different now is it doesn't take very long for me to clam back up again and close off those submissive feelings either.

      I think my go to state actually is those subbie feelings. When I do not have them I feel my skin is too tight. I feel like a stranger in my own body, and extremely lonely. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes want to slap someone, most times it's B LMAO, but usually that is because I feel off kilter. I feel authentic when I feel submissive- actually its starting to seem like a silly way to describe myself, like a woman saying she feels womanly lol.

      So basically my post is about why I react the way I do lately after he has done something overtly dominant, beyond every day expectations: impact, submissive exercises, etc...It is almost like a really bad sub drop- the Dt's, going into shock, whatever you want to label it. Before I would slowly drift away from that place, now I lock myself up quickly ( within the same day often) if there is no follow up in some way, not more impact, just overt dominance. It is like I'm too insecure to live in that moment for long- all the negative aspects of vulnerability. My subbie self is most definitely still there, but under a huge pile of rocks..lol

      I bought the book to teach myself not to be afraid to live with my authentic self- something I didn't struggle as much with when I was newer at this. I got to a certain point in this dynamic and while we still had plenty of issues with continuity, I was able to go along without specific dominance for quite sometime- engaging my growth through friendships and reflection. That seems to have changed.

      Does that make any sense?

      willie

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    2. ok - I've read your answer a couple of times now - and I read Barnie's...

      I think what I am hearing you say is that

      * you can go through the motions of being submissive but not FEEL submissive.
      I get that - have had the same feelings many times.. usually in my case it was because I was scared the domly dom's attitude was gonna disappear again and I would be submissive in a vacuum again. and that's a lonely place to be

      Being submissive is very much a mind set... and we tend to live in our heads a lot.. BUT when real life comes and disturbs us - pulls us out into reality.. it can make us hurt.. make us angry?? the more this happens the more we want to protect ourselves ... we might pull back - throw up walls to protect ourselves.

      IF I am on the right track - then you're not gonna like my resolution for MY pulling back......
      at first I kept thinking it will be MUCH better when I am not working.. when I can be naked in chains full time (figuratively speaking) BUT it didn't happen... there's always something throwing a bucket of cold water on my submissive mood.. and my domly dom couldn't keep up the control 24/7..... and so I was left submitting in a vacuum...

      Now as to my solution to this ...... ugh....... I'm still working on it.. it's all part and parcel of my rethinking what it is I like about TTWD... and being uber sub... and it may not be what you need / or want ....

      I'm going to follow your progress - your journey ... cause I'd love to see someone make this work !! :)

      (and if I am totally off base - just put this down to an old sub's ramblings - cheeky grin)


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    3. ugh - I'm backkkkkkkkkk

      got another question for you - pick one thing that you can talk about publicly that make you feel submissive - that is NOT cooking or cleaning or other things vanilla housewives would do..... and explain why it makes you feel submissive...

      mmmmmmmmm now I'm thinking I may post a blog along those lines - to help me sort out my thoughts on our TTWD...... GAH!! this is taking on a life of it's own!!!

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    4. Welcome back! Lol

      I'm going to quote and answer if that's okay?

      You wrote :

      " you can go through the motions of being submissive but not FEEL submissive.

      Me: sometimes absolutely, but more often than not I go through the motions and not appear submissive ( to B)


      You said: I was scared the domly dom's attitude was gonna disappear again and I would be submissive in a vacuum again. and that's a lonely place to be

      Me: I do understand where you are coming from here in many ways. The strange thing is for me, the next morning I'm up and back at my submissive at the ready position again. The rest of the day prior though can be a bit of a cluster f*CK. But the next day is a new day..every. single.time. And truth be told some days I really resent myself for that!

      You said: Being submissive is very much a mind set... and we tend to live in our heads a lot.. BUT when real life comes and disturbs us - pulls us out into reality.. it can make us hurt.. make us angry?? the more this happens the more we want to protect ourselves ... we might pull back - throw up walls to protect ourselves.

      Me: absolutely! Not sure if you read my comment to Windy or not, but when life has me pulling away, it doesn't last long. When life pulls B away I can say I am also fine. That being said whenever the issue is over I NEED to feel the power exchange resume right away again to feel secure.

      I'm not sure I am waiting for any big changes in life to make me feel more Submissive. Though we have had some stellar crashes from vacation expections in the past lol or not making the best use of our privacy.

      We have been able to 'pull this off' with rocky success for several years. It is that time I'd like to return to. As you can imagine the more we experienced with power exchange the more we expected from each other. Somewhere along the way some of that changed..maybe B will write his perspective on that some day ( if he starts typing tomorrow it may be finished by June. Lol).

      Thank you so much for coming back and offering insight Morningstar!

      willie

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    5. Okay my welcome back was for your other comment. Not sure how these got all out of whack! Lol

      I love that you're back! I was so concerned over this post because up until this morning the comments were great, but few. Now with a discussion happening it makes me feel better!

      I shall give your question some serious thought. If you are interested we can both do posts on it at the same time perhaps?

      B has asked me in the past what he does ( outside of impact 'play' ) that makes me feel submissive but I've never thought about the ONE thing I do (outside of vanilla). I shall think on this. Thank you💕

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    6. mmmmmmmmm I tried the "let's all post together thing" and it didn't work so well for me...(long story - some hurt feelings)

      BUT I do think I will post the question - one submissive thing thingy... cause I am really struggling with TTWD....... it's like doing a jig saw puzzle?? some areas are clear and I can see it.. but others .. shrug.. not so much..

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    7. All right then. Good luck with your post and finding your answers..

      I suppose the short answer would be taking a 'beating' for Barney's pleasure. He enjoys it especially marking. I do not- so after, depending how it goes, it can be a long time after, I feel accomplished but more than that I feel very submissive and owned

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    8. windy - first I hope I didn't hurt your feelings .. cause that was not my intention... it may take me awhile to pull the submission blog together - OR - it might just explode out of me in a flash.... shrug.. I'm not explaining this well :( but trust me I don't want to hurt your feelings.

      and I don't know what answer I was expecting BUT I was surprised to read 'beating'.. I have a lot more mulling to do than I expected to do...... le sigh...

      Have a good Easter weekend willie :)

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    9. At first I was confused reading this comment from my email, not the blog when you said windy...then I was confused about hurt feelings. Fear not MS it takes a lot to hurt my feelings in any significant way.

      Why did the word beating cause you to believe you have to mull some more if I read that correctly?

      Happy Hop Hop to you as well 🐇

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  4. B has my laptop currently a d I should probably use it to respond to you comment so as not to confuse things further with phone typos and auto(not) correct.

    I just wanted to put your mind at ease. It's not you. My writing is often not the type that is easily understood and yesterday when I finished this I asked a couple if good friends to read it to make sure I wasn't as disjointed as I felt while writing it ( physical crap going on here as well probably doesn't lead to coherent writing). The issue with asking those close to you to beta read isn't that they won't be honest and tell you it's a garbled mess but that they truly know you so any odd phrases or ideas don't get noticed as easily...anyway I'll be back later once my computer is free.❤️

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  5. Lmao. Two typos in the first 2 sentences. Exactly why I require my laptop!

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  6. When you wrote your post on fear you were in a place that was in, or near the bullseye of your core. This current post comes when you are in more of the zone of protection and not necessarily moving toward your core. I know my actions, or lack of action, sets the tone for the direction in which you are going, either toward or away from your core.

    Your submission is the vehicle to your core,(if not your core in itself) but I want to be driving it. This cannot be a solo journey if we expect you to spend significant time there.

    If something or someone (me, for example) pulls you back from moving toward your submissive self then you can feel most hurt. Your reaction results in distancing and possibly a meltdown of sorts. This reaction and behaviour becomes the focus and not the need for us understand the reasons behind it. My emotions can take over, which can be disempowering, and I am not seeing you, just your reactions.

    There needs to be a consistent push towards your core, your submission engaged, and next steps to follow so you are not left with a sense of loss but rather a spirit of encouragement to continue in the proper direction. There needs to be an atmosphere of cultivated growth. As we have talked about, specific steps beyond engaging your core need to happen, so that the dots are connected throughout the day, week etc. Steps that involve rules, rituals, daily direction and communication are a few examples.

    Something from the book that is insightful you mentioned: The longer you stay in a good zone the better your ability to set up shop there. For this to happen I must create the safe environment for you to be vulnerable, because this is essential for you to encourage those feelings. This will show you you are accepted completely, I am present in our life, and from this place we will strive.

    I hope my comment will add to the conversation. A Dominant's perspective doesn't always align with that of a submissive's, but I hope it provided some insight and perhaps encourage further questions or comments.

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  7. Willie,
    What B wrote actually helps me understand this post and past posts much better. He even went back to connecting the dots. Woah. Impressive. But, hearing him say it just slightly different than you have, obviously from his Dom perspective, helps me feel that I am gaining traction on grasping the deep things about you that are specific and complex (to me.)

    B speaks of you being pulled from your submission by someone or something. Naturally, I am going to guess that he's talking about within your D/s relationship, but is he also talking about outside people and events pulling you away? Is your reaction to hurt specifically for B or does it work that way in family life and friendships, too? For me, stress at home can definitely pull me away from my submissive self and it has nothing to do with Storm. Or my health can do the same thing, unfortunately. But, it's the most painful when it is something Storm did or didn't do that pulls me away from my submission..... I don't know about my core just yet.

    I am also going to take comfort in the words you used to put MorningStar at ease. I'm not an idiot ...this stuff can be complex, but if we break it down little by little, I might be able to get there. And in the meantime, I won't WORRY about not understanding it all in fear of hurting your feelings.

    Hugs, Windy

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  8. Yeah, B tells me all the time I'm 'complex'. I try to see it as a compliment...meh.

    To answer your question, pulling me away from my core doesn't just happen within our D/s dynamic. I can be pulled away from many other stressors, now. Years ago those stressors had me jump into his arms, and that is where we are aiming for again. On the flipside, my neediness when being ill can actually bring me closer to my core. I think it is more due to sheer exhaustion and not having the real ability to keep up walls during those times.

    Stress from within these walls, pulls me away but only briefly. It's like I have to put on my Mommy Armour and deal, but I can also take that off quickly as well. External stress has a tendency to cause me to get lost in rumination until it's resolved in one way or another so that causes different issues, but again more distraction that refusal to be where I need to. I've said before I can't multi emotionalize, so whichever pull is stronger emotionally I well head that way.

    Hurt is definitely most piercing when I am experiencing it from B's direction as well. It pulls me away from allowing the good in- whether that is my core or my willingness to see things the way I do when I'm nearer to my core I'm not entirely sure. I do know that often I don't think I give B the grace I extend to others- and truly that should be the other way around.

    No need to worry about hurting my feelings because you don't understand my post- I'm very proficient at self flagellation lol- most people have no clue what the hell I am talking about most times these days.

    willie

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    1. Well, I think most of us women are complex overall (especially to our guys) perhaps because of our emotions, perhaps because we're just really smart. :)

      Take it easy with the self flagellation. This is your blog for you to work out your own stuff. Bonus if everybody understands all of what we write especially self-reflection type stuff, but I don't think anybody shoots 100% very often.

      My doctor (hopefully) understands complex situations and that is a good thing because I don't and I need her or his help. Same with you in my view. You understand what are complexities to me along the D/s spectrum and it helps me when you are able to help me understand something that I had previously not been able to wrap my head around. Take it as a compliment, please. Hugs, Windy

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    2. Aw, you're so sweet to come back.

      I just wish I could figure out our complexities. I suppose the more you stumble, the more you seek for answers and the more you learn?

      Thanks again for coming back

      willie

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  9. You're welcome. Thanks for answering. :) If you figure out our complexities,please publish it. You'll be rich.

    Yeah, we learn from screwing up. Not only from that, but yep.

    I want to add from your previous comment:

    1. Due to experience, illness absolutely pulls me closer to submission (core?) and I am very clingy to Storm. It's weird because I am anxious about the illness, but I am just softer toward him during these times. I agree that our walls come down or in the very least we cannot build new ones due to exhaustion and just flat out need for our best human to be right there for us. And they are. And we want to be in their arms, yes. I'm commenting on this illness issue because I've never read anybody say it the way that you did and be accurate about how it feels. Interesting.

    2. THIS. "External stress has a tendency to cause me to get lost in rumination until it's resolved in one way or another." I get this 100 percent because I live this as well.

    3. "I can't multi emotionalize" This is profound. Gosh. This is post worthy all on it's own. You should coin the term, if it hasn't already been done.

    4. I "do know that often I don't think I give B the grace I extend to others- and truly that should be the other way around." I swear I just had this thought this past week. I am guilty of this as well. Dang.

    Feel better. Hugs, Windy

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    1. This will probably be a shorter answer to a comment than usual ( as she breathes a sigh of relief, lol) B will be confiscating my electronics again soon. Please don't take it as a non interest in continuing a discussion.

      1. Thank you. I've mentioned this before, probably on Missy's blog. Though it isn't always because B is taking care of me (lol) that I feel it. I usually feel it long before he knows I am sick. An argument could be made that I know he's going to take care of me I suppose. I think for me personally it lies more in the no defenses left to maintain some imaginary force field I have up that I don't even realize I do at times. Is it Star Trek where they constantly check the health of their shield? Of course in that case it is a good thing.

      2.I think many people do live this. Of course this past year of isolation doesn't help, in fact it often can lead to ADDING more 'info' into the rumination equation ( love the rhyming- feel like I'm on Reading Along - Canadian Kids show reference from the 70s)

      3)Profound...wow. I've used this term many times over the years. I do believe I even said, " Lick it stick it stamp it, it's mine" the first time I used it. Oh nope just checked that was for the Coinvent Control term- No I said ( zip it it's a word now : (https://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com/2015/04/when-maybe-all-you-thought-wasnt.html) in a rather depressing post lol

      4) I think we are all guilty of this to some degree- I know B is as well at times, just not in obvious ways like I tend to be.

      willie

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  10. Good evening

    I'm going to come back to this because it's given me a lot to chew on, probably won't be until after the long weekend, we have visitors, hope you and B are having a lovely Easter :)

    best wishes
    Claire

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    1. Welcome back Claire!

      Feel free to come back and comment on this or any other post you'd like- whenever you'd like. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

      Enjoy the holidays yourself!

      willie

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