Saturday, April 17, 2021

. Convient Control

 I wrote this almost 7 years ago, and oddly find my mindset back here again ( please excuse the reference to quarantine- who knew? Lol)

I also included the comments from the original posting because often they were way better than the original post (Roz you must have been sick that week )


Thursday, June 26, 2014

Convenient Control

 There I have coined the phrase, ( Lick it, stick it, stamp it--it is mine).  This is what I have been experiencing, it would appear, and I have finally pin pointed it.

Let me explain.  I don' t mean that Barney takes control when it serves his needs.  He definitely is not what one could ever call selfish.  Far from it. Let me explain, whenever I offer it up he will then seize the opportunity- most times.  Eeee Gad isn't that what every submissive wife is supposed to do?  Surrender control?  Oh suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure in a perfect world, but then where on earth would the need for Dd come in?  We'd all be skipping along in our flouncy skirts, flowing locks blowing in the breeze stopping only to serve or service our husbands.


 Yeah- so doesn't look anything like that in our house.

  Mostly it is me crashing about, stupid skirt caught in the door, frizzy hair popping out of my pony tail, or it  getting caught in the electric windows of the van.



I try- oh Lord do I try.  I didn't say I was very good or consistent with my efforts.  Horror Moans, pain, stress, anxiety- they all seem to wreak havoc on my ability to stuff stuff down.  You see that is basically what happens here.  When things are good, as I explained in my last post, most of those aforementioned triggers are merely little blips.  They aren't little building blocks in the Great Wall.  I still stuff though, not anger, but my desire to take over.  My need to control every little thing so that 'everything goes right'.  Do I trust my husband ?  Of course I do, although I admit that last sentence certainly doesn't sound like a woman who does.  It is just that my speed and his are different.  I have to rein myself in and wait to see when or if he is going to process the situation.  My priorities are different- mostly because I NEED to have things figured out.  I am not a 'what will happen happens' kind of girl.  Anyway I will stuff down all of these nasty little DNA-given, hardwired, reactions.  I will then go over and hand my husband 'control'.  He will then pick it up and use it how he sees fit.  Great right?  Building up your HoH.  Wind Beneath his Wings- Smoke Up His Ass whatever you want to call it.  Sure it is great FOR HIM.

What does it do to the Convenient Submissive?  Oh you didn't think this was just going to be a slag Barney post did you?  Nah, one a month is good.  Well it puts me pretty much (mentally) steering the ship.  Yup.  I go over hand him control- because that is what I want.




  Him to take it, but is he really taking then?  Or is he merely using something offered to him?  It would appear that it doesn't affect him negatively.  It would also appear that it does me.

Inside are all the reined backed, stuffed down, little control viruses trying to get out.  They aren't exterminated in this process, They are just quarantined.- jarred and shelved.







For convenient control is predictable.  I will go ask, he will answer ( nine times out of ten I will know the answer). Nothing changed but the added step of asking.  Externally, the Convenient Submissive is a lovely gown. No,  a wolf in sheep's clothing really.  When the wolf emerges suddenly after the costume becomes far too tight, often the one in control is taken completely by surprise.  Where did his sweet little lamb go?  Question is, was she ever really there?    Or was she TRYING to be there-?



What about all this poking of the bear stuff.? Is it really about getting a spanking, here? I am not so sure.  I think here it is another set up to say "Show me you are in control.  Tell me you can dominate me".  At least verbally, tell me.... Oh look I am steering.  Or am I asking?  Is he taking control, or just utilizing a training exercise set out by me? Either way it is a controlled action to get a response.  One that is desired, and needed- but one that is in some ways initiated by the one who isn't supposed to BE. IN. CONTROL.

What has me asking all these questions?  A few r/a sessions and a non existent punishment session ( oh I know you ladies looooooooooooove the word session) that didn't go as 'planned' .  No George I don't mean as planned as I had it played out in my head.  I mean as planned in the sense that they were resets.  Barney ended them, before that happened.  After the fact he said, in his defense that he was " THE. ONE. IN.  CONTROL.  here".  A failed session, excused because of the Convenient Control Card.



All I know is that it is exhausting for both of us.  He is frustrated because I don't 'let go' sometimes.  The battle he has to deal with is within me-my perception.  My higher than mighty self says he has to start to TAKE.  DEMAND  CREATE control, not just accept it when it is offered by me now.  That would appear to be the way for the little control viruses to silence inside.  How controlling is that?

31 comments:

  1. First, you look exactly like the first picture with the flowing locks and big bow. ;)

    You are soooo not a show up and see what happens kind of girl and you two sure do move at different speeds. I don't know if it frustrates Barney but it can send you directly up a tree. Maybe it also brings some balance too...

    Take and leave any of the following...blogger has left my brain a bit muddled.

    Willie, don't disqualify yourself over the convenient control bug. The act of going to him and handing over control is a submissive, if controlling act. You are trying to keep up your end of this agreement. I wonder if he will process this post deeply enough to start using your offer as a sign of your need to have the control taken away. Your husband (and mine...we are similar in this) have to be really intentional and strong if they are to succeed in taking control in a way that is satisfying to us. We tend to fight them, to bawk and growl when they put their foot down and yet it is exactly what we want. Take control on YOUR terms not mine...conquer me and I will let go of some of the churning anxieties inside. MM says that he often has too much running through his head ...all the reasons why he should really be disqualified as a leader and he backs down way too easily. When I need a grizzly bear, mine can turn in to a teddy bear.

    It sounds like I'm commiserating but I'm not really...I get the control bug piece, the putting a lid on the anxiety etc. I will be interested to see what Barney does with the way you have verbalized this internal battle. I wonder if he has a way of giving you what you need in a way that will thoroughly surprise you.




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    1. Ah there lies the crux of the issue, "The act of going to him and handing over control is submissive..." not if in my OWN mind it is not. There are most certainly times when it is just that, but more often not it is out of frustration, exasperation, desperation- when I am at the end of my rope so to speak. More like a " do something PLEASE!".

      Yes I am all to aware of the 'needing a grizzly bear" and having the teddy bear show up- stuffed and motionless. I understand that this is a difficult thing for Barney to wrap his head around. He and I definitely have a different definition of control. ( BTW he is incorrect...LOL)

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  2. WIllie, bless your soul. At the risk of excommunication from your blog, you just described most of the women on this planet (and a lot of the men)!

    You are an organizer, the one to make sure everything goes according to plan. I suspect you make a detailed grocery list rather than just go buy stuff. That is who you are and it is what makes you, you. Barney is lucky to have a wife like you....we all want a girl who can take care of things.

    All of us who participate in TTWD experience a plethora of paradoxical days. Dealing with the kids teachers, getting someone to fix the broken whatever, etc. is life and we have to exercise degrees of control pursuant to the situation. But we need/want to know there is a higher authority watching over us kind of like a parachute, so if we need to jump, we have a back up.

    Marriage is like that. We team up and live life together each doing our part to make the trip safe, fun, and efficient. Balancing those responsibilities to match the ebb and flow of the moment is what provides life's ups and downs. You and Barney are a great match. Ever think that Barney's laid-backness it is a characteristic that balances some of the controlness of Willie?

    Again at the risk of excommunication, in the opinion of every male on the planet, women are more complex than a space shuttle launch (which has millions of moving parts that each have to work just right at just the right time)! We try our best, but will never completely understand all the complexities!

    I really do understand your need to reset and when you are stopped short of that point it creates emotional turmoil. Kind of like the main parachute didn't open so you have to deploy the back-up. In the sense that you didn't get the exhilaration of the chute opening stopping your free fall, but your having to deploy your reserve chute put you back in control of the outcome. Does that make any sense?

    Bottom line.....(finally she says to herself) accept that you are a person who has a personality that needs to be well organized with a plan. Nothing nefarious or controlling about that, you are just well organized.

    I wish I had the wisdom to tell you how to get in the grove 100% of the time, but women, just like the shuttle, are too damn complex for any man to understand. However, Barney is the launch director and you are the shuttle. When it works, which is the majority of the time, it is a work of art and a sight to behold! Celebrate that, because some couples never get off the launch pad!

    Love,
    George

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    1. You are right George this entire thing is definitely a paradox on a daily basis. I am not suggesting I change my organizational skills. We have certainly incorporated into our dynamic ie, on Thursday I am to now present my meal plan for the week to my husband and we discuss it before we go shopping on Friday. Again when we are not 'coasting' . That step can be quickly forgotten when our roles are. Really what we have talked about countless times is him asserting his dominance over me so my organizational habits remain just that- character traits not controlling actions. I can imagine to those who don't live this dynamic or to those who aren't slightly OCD ( self diagnosed ) this concept must seem bizarre or unnecessary but it has a calming affect on not just myself but the entire household.

      Love to you
      willie

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  3. Well I could add my bit...but really Susie snd George say it all!!
    I have wondered about the 'offering of control' myself at times. Then I decided that hang it, he is wise enough to work this out himself and I don't need to say too much. ...which of course eventually leds to the frustration. ..is any of this making sense? Sorry sleep deprived brain and I am trying to sound intelligent with great insights....it is not working is it?

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    1. LOL...I'm just happy you are BACK ! You can type out " I read this, and have jam on my shirt from my grandson" and I'd be smiling.

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  4. You explain this very well. (And you're funny!) I have a very dominant man, so what we struggle with is different, but I like this post and how you express things. DH is ever evolving, and I see it in cycles..you will be on the "repeat" and think its the same thing happening "like always" but then you will sense a subtle shift, a difference. And aha..there it is. Minuscule growth. An exhausting process to be sure...

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    1. You know Stormy, I have never considered myself an athlete of any kind- until ttwd. Now I feel I run a marathon, participate in a decathlon , mentally- emotionally, EVERY. MONTH! I feel like a person that exercises constantly and sees that I have lost very little weight, but maybe just maybe those pants are a tad less tight. Honestly however, I have to keep trying because if I don't those 'pants' will become too small entirely. Not just snug.

      Days like the one where I had when I wrote this post, are my 'fat pants day'. I need to tell myself that those other pants are too tight for a multitude of reasons that don't necessarily have anything to do with the strength of my effort . Eventually I need to brush the cookie crumbs off my shirt and go to my coach and talk about a plan of action that has me developing a more effective regime . I guess the coach doesn't always see what bad habits I am developing when not in eyesight.

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  5. Ahhh Willie, I feel ya. I too like to know where I am going and understand every step I will have to take to get there. George, the grocery list is the last step, for me it starts with a detailed weekly menu.
    Ya we are complex creatures, who sometimes need to be reminded that we don't have to make everything so complex that we are the only ones who could possibly be in control. I wish sometimes that when I am in the zone taking care of everyone and everything and making it look like a breeze, he would stop me and take control. Because truly the more in control of things I look on the outside, the more the inside is spiraling out of control.
    It is frustrating to have to ask for his attention, especially when you have asked before and then nothing happens. Is this him exerting his control? But isn't the point to use his control to move us forward as a couple? Leaving me hanging, now even more tense because I don't know what is going on.......I don't see it as moving us as a couple forward.
    Sorry Willie, no words of wisdom. Just expounding further on your post. If you get any other words of wisdom outside of the others comments, I would appreciate hearing them : )
    Love Ya!

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    1. I usually start Thursday night looking at the flyers to see what is on sale where, then I make a detailed menu, off of my multiple lists of which store has what on sale. NOW Barney approves the menu...when we are 'working' that is. LOL..anyway....

      There are really no words of wisdom to be had I don't think Blue. I think this is a stage we have been in for a while, and we just have to talk and work it out. We have been doing a great deal of talking. Perhaps once the dust settles I'll write about that too.

      Love you back!
      willie

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  6. Wow........I could have written this myself. If I were talented enough anyway. I glad you wrote it though. For one thing, I know I'm not alone, for another, reading the comments have been pretty interesting. Hugs.

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    1. Hi Queenie! I have missed you.

      Well I am sorry that you could have written this as well. Who knows maybe we will all get to the bottom of this and figure out a way out!

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  7. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you because you always have a few for me, but I don't. My brain seems to be shut down at the moment. Please know that your not alone, so many of us go through the same struggle.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Hi Kim

      Words of wisdom? For you? I only have shared what a trainwreck our situation can be at times. Whatever we try may or may not work- and if it does work it seems to in small spurts. Oh well- the joy of dd I suppose :)
      Hugs
      w

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  8. Willie....here is the question. How can a woman who has taken on the role of homemaker, financial controller, kid trainer, pet wrangler and the million other things that are required to run a household suddenly give up control and pretend that their beloved HoH is the dominant partner. If you attempted to give up this control I suspect Barney, and most other men on the planet (me included), would run away faster than a speeding bullet. As George said, at the risk of being excommunicated from this place, I suspect you are asking how can you maintain all these things but be rewarded by being engulfed in a cloud of loving acknowledgement, affection and attention that stills your frenetic brain, binds up your struggles and (hopefully) warms your bottom. What you are searching for is the elusive alchemists stone of TTWD...one touch and everything will turn to gold. When you find it, could I please borrow it for a short time....Mumski is fairly screaming that she is not getting the attention she deserves and needs. She says that she needs me to turn off the external world occasionally and the best way is to smother her with kisses and spanks

    Good luck
    Many hugs

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    1. LOL...well in a word nope.

      I don't think I necessarily need ti be 'engulfed in a cloud of loving acknowledgement...." to still my brain. I THINK ( and honestly Don goodness really knows these days) I need control taken from me in areas that are not necessarily my domain. Or after I have done my 'normal' control things I need a " you maybe in control of this situation, because that works for our family and I have decided that reminder". I know very well that we have our roles in our house that keep it running like the well oiled machine that it is ( cough, cough). But I also know us, those roles and matters of 'control' in those situations seep into other areas that are not necessary if not kept in check.

      I hope you listened to your Mumski and delievered!

      hugs back
      willie

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  9. Oh dear, I think in a way you are being pretty hard on yourself, because when you want to give up control to Barney, you still see that it was your decision which means you are still in control. Is that a catch 22? But actually I think what counts is that you are willing to give up control to Barney. Uhm, doesn’t it make your submission even more valuable if it takes effort from your side, because you are tempted to take over again?
    I fully get you, when you say this is frustrating and it is just convenient control, and I think that when sessions repeatedly do not leave you as relaxed and free as they should, this is extremely frustrating. Maybe I got that wrong, but to me, it sounds as if you want Barney to take you out of your comfort zone, so that you can feel he is in control, and not you, but he is too reluctant to do so. And any initiative from your side leaves you with the feeling of being in control again. Sorry to say that, but this is really awfully tricky. I think I would try to talk again. Maybe poke as well. What happens if you poke the bear too much? Good luck!

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Yup you pretty much hit the nail on the head Nina!

      I do playfully poke the bear, which can or cannot garner results or conversations at least. But when neither comes from that it starts the entire process all over again. Sigh, this stuff is so difficult. I wish one conversation would fix a problem and we could move on to never have to look at it again.

      I also wish we were independently wealthy! LOL

      Hope you are feeling well!
      willie

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  10. Howdy, Lady! I have a bunch of thoughts that are running around in my head that may make absolutely no sense or may just be projecting my feelings on to you, so reader beware! First off, I think one woman's loving husband is another woman's controlling jerk, and by that, I mean that different women seem to need different levels of control. I think if Barney stepped up and tried to take too much control, it would drive you nuts. He works and has responsibilities outside the home and so you have had to step up and make decisions about things without his input and that has been very successful to you as a couple.

    Here's the other thought, I think it is not so much that you want him to take control as it is you want him to notice and be involved. You want him to notice you're stressed and do something to relieve it. You want to notice you're planning this great party and you want him to step in and tell you he wants you to make that really complicated dessert that he loves but takes you hours that you don't have to make it. You want to see him pleased when you find time to make it. You want him to notice that you haven't been sleeping well and order you to take a nap...or whatever, you fill in the scenario.

    I think all of these things are habits that if not reinforced don't stand a chance of continuing and I think the only way to reinforce them is by setting up scenarios for them to be reinforced, at least at first. I have heard that if students are encouraged to be honest and not cheat at the beginning of the semester they will all promise and do what they want. If on the other hand, they are asked to sign a honesty pledge every time they take a test then they are more likely to actually not cheat.

    So, here's what I think and as I said, I may be totally projecting, but we are friend and I know you can sort out the dross from the gold for you. You need to reinforce Barney giving his opinion and the only way to do that is to ask him for it until he gets into the habit of it. He so obviously wants to please you, but since he is a man, he needs, at least at some level to be told/shown what you want and not by conversation, but by action. I may not be married, but I work with a bunch (A LOT) of men and they need subtle and not so subtle clues about things. So, I say, ask him about things everything from what color he thinks the curtains should be to what he wants for dinner to how the chairs should be arranged for the next party and do what he says and don't accept a non answer from him. "Like whatever you want, Willie". Then, do what he suggests. Lousy looking curtains or a poor seating arrangement aren't the end of the world and if he sees you taking his suggestions, it might just encourage him to tell you what he wants more often.

    As far as the maintenance thing goes, I think you may have to just be glad he even attempts it, even if it doesn't get you to where you need to be. Non existent punishment sessions seem to be sort of common occurrences in this community, so I don't think you're alone in this, again, I think it is a habit that needs to be formed. You need to give him some sort of reminder, rather than just hoping he remembers, at least until he does remember on his own. Maybe that is the first thing you can get his input on...what does he want you to do to remind him that you were promised a punishment for something. So that he doesn't forget or just let it go or whatever he is doing.

    I don't know if any of these thoughts are helpful, but they sure clarified my mind on some things (lol). Good luck! Keep the faith! and all the other pre-canned thoughts you like to avoid. Many hugs! (and that may be trite, but just because it's trite doesn't mean it's wrong) oh and Rock on! :-)

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    1. LOL ! And I would whole heartily agree if this was a different stage in our relationship. Is that fair? Maybe not, but it is truthful. Once upon a time I was happy that he was trying r/a even if it didn't work out so well. However after many, many conversations, and plans, and missteps and more conversations, that doesn't cut it anymore. The same can be said for reminding him. I'll give you a non Dd example, suppose it is your birthday and you have to " ahem" clear your throat, point to the calender, and stare down your partner in order for them to simply say " Oh Happy Birthday", while they are sincere in their wishes, it looses something that you had to remind them about YOU. I mean birthdays aren't a big deal to some but hopefully you understand.

      Teaching and leading is one thing when you are both learning. I suppose however after time we hope that all this communication will eventually pay off and you don't have the same issues again and again. That something will click. That you have learned and remembered. So we can move on to the NEXT problem around the corner.

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  11. Hi Willie dear,
    I hope you've been out enjoying the beginning of summer with your family :-) I have a question for you. Why is it that Barney stops too soon?If the point of spanking is to be beneficial for both of you, and it's not helping you the way things are now, wouldn't that warrant change? I'm just curious because it seems like Barney just loves you so much that he would want to make sure that he's doing his best to give you what you truly need. As for the handing over of submission, I'm not sure there's any way around that. It is lovely when on occasion my husband just takes what he wants from me, or simply tells me how things will be. But most of the time I think we all have to put ourselves out there and just give our submission freely for this whole thing to work. Maybe it would help if Barney made an effort to notice and praise you for each time you pick up the reins and hand them to him. But then again, maybe it would be nice for you to smack him over the head with said reins, shouting "I don't want these, keep 'em!" It's hard to know what to do, but keep your heart open and talk with him about your concerns as candidly as you can. It will get better (or at least hard in a different way!) soon.
    Love and hugs,
    River

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    1. Well River I can't answer the first part of your comment.

      LOL to the second. I am not actually talking about him TAKING submission from me on a daily basis. I generally freely give it and rarely give a second thought about it, but like Nina said, I think now I need to be taken out of my comfort zone on occasion.

      The issue remains that we DO talk about this freely and candidly, and the frustration is that all the " I understands" and finishing of my sentences aside, we go back to life as usual again very soon. DD is great over here in calm waters- but often when the water gets choppy, Dd seems to be a sinking ship. Not always but it feels like more often than not.

      Love
      willie

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  12. This is a tough thing to go through Willie, I know you feel stuck between a rock & a hard place & I get it-I have felt this way before-but just keep up the communication-make that the respectful communication-I have found that pointing out some positives in Clark's behavior/actions/reactions and then gently explaining where I could have really used one of those positives but didn't get one has worked out really well in that he sees things from my point of view. & in the actual situation he really didn't. If I can force myself to be vulnerable and tell him I need him, I need his help & guidance rather than coming at him mad as a hornet (which I have also done at times) provides much better results for both of us because whenever he feels like he failed or let me down he usually gets even more off track....the lifestyle we have chosen & roles there in are not easy-the highs are high & the lows are LOW but it's worth it & just keep in mind "this too shall pass"....
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Yup, I know what you mean. We go through bouts of nightly discussions about how we each viewed our day. Where each of us stumbled, or how we each understood the situations, and what could have been done differently. In those times I don't feel at all like I am handing over convenient control. I feel like we are connected, hearing each other and I am hopeful.

      Our last conversation, concerning this I was calm but basically cold and detached. I had things I needed to say and quite frankly I was tired of playing nice and building him up when I felt the same was not happening in return. There was no big blow up or anything. There was no major break through either, but things have slowly started to improve and I feel better about expressing my true feelings- and he understood.

      For us every once and a while, it *appears* that I have to be relentless ( and no not disrespectful) with Barney so he can answer the questions about himself that he rhetorically asks me. I hate when we get to those days, but I suppose in the long run it makes us both stronger after.

      Love
      willie

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  13. I don't have any wisdom or deep, or even shallow, thoughts. But I am SO super glad to be back here and reading your inner thoughts. I think sometimes we women, especially those who would have to battle anxiety/depression in addition to everything "normal" want such a depth of "rightness" and "security" that doesn't quite exist... if you are doing your best to communicate and he is doing his best to listen.... you'll be okay. :) Even if it doesnt FEEL right you're doing good. :)

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    1. I am super happy you are back too! LOL

      I hope you are wrong about me wanting something that doesn't exist though!

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  14. Hi I came back and you went private.. I was like ooo no Willie lol... glad I found ya pheww..

    Hugs

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    1. LOL...I would imagine Daisy you came back to entirely different blog land!

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  15. I am having to learn to give up the control too and trust him that he knows what he's doing. Love your blog.

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    1. Welcome Paige!

      Based on many of the women I know, who have been doing this far longer than I, learning to give up control is a daily lesson.

      Thanks for the compliment!

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