Saturday, December 29, 2012

Hands of T.T.W.D.

  January 1 st  marks a New Year.  A clean slate ( thank God, am I wrong here fellow GOOBers?).  More importantly it is my 3 month Blogiversary <- okay THAT title is a work in progress.  It almost appears to be the title of a End of the World Epic, where Wil Smith saves us all yet again.....although the perhaps that is not so far off...minus Wil Smith.  Barney looks NOTHING  like Wil Smith.

Anywho.....I was debating on what to post.  The funny thing about blogging, at least for me - I don't actually get to pick my posts.  They pick me.  Sure send the guys with the white jackets I'm ready.

Seriously. Something pops in my head and it won't leave until I write it down.  Quite frankly it is annoying at times.  Ask Barney.  We used to have computer restrictions, but I would get so distracted during that time if a post was waiting to burst out, I was useless anyway.  Oh I know..I know..the troubles I have.

I really wasn't going to mention the 3 month thing. I'm sure you are all thinking BOY oh  BOY does she ever have a talent for breakdowns if she's managed allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of that in a mere 3 months!  I also wasn't going to give you a recap on my little adventure so far, as I have upwards of 70 posts, you've already read my life since the starting pistol went off.

My post today is about Hands.  Oh and before you spankos get ALL excited,  not really going to focus on this kind of hand action

 Since we have started on this ADVENTURE - Yes I decided a while ago to start a thesaurus for Dd...out with the Never ending journey for with  the Adventure of Dd !  
( cue trumpets )

....hands have become a key part of ttwd.  Yes there is the spanking hand that is true. ( MORE true for some than others).  But there are hands that I think are more important.  Hands that I haven't seen in a long time or if ever.  

 Where once there were accusing hands, with fingers pointing to the one we thought was to blame ....

I am overjoyed to say there are hands that reach out and grab, pulling in for a loving embrace

 There are now hands that not only are held on a long walk for exercise, but for the short jaunt from the vehicle into the grocery store.

                                                     There is also more of this lately too..

 and a lot more of this ( note the sex of the hands )

 The all time favourite hand action in my house, hands down ( pun intended) is in part shown in this picture

 His hand that since the beginning  of our adventure, has  brushed the hair out of my face.  Wiped away multiple tears. Cradled my jaw in the palm of it, and caressed my face with his thumb.  Such simple, simple actions that mean so much more as a gesture.

Tttwd.  Has really brought hands into the forefront of my mind.  Mostly in a physical way in our house 

But there are other hands that have played a key part in MY personal adventure into the world as a Dd wife. Hands that I have never seen. Hands that I will probably never see. But  hands that I have  felt their reach from all over the world.

Your hands.  

The hands that after reading a post, whether it is about Weepy Willie, or deliriously happy Wilma, or some other ramblings,( most likely after you have wiped your face in frustration or given your laptop Shaken Computer Syndrome), have done this

They have sent ( initially ) a virtual stranger, a piece of advice, a word of encouragement, a little chastising note.  It may have been in a comment box, or in an email, and then eventually for some of you in a google chat window.   Oh yes and let us not forget that one of you has actually used your hands for this

( although that has a tendency to cause a little, teeny, tiny, bit of I'll move on)

No matter how you have decided to use your hands to reach out to me, it is just as much appreciated now as it was at the beginning of my adventure.  Probably even more so now, because some days I feel like I am posting the same thing I posted last week, or last month.  Yet somehow you all manage to find some way to say something just a little different.  And to not make me feel like you can't believe I am doing this AGAIN...

Guess it is a good thing I can't see your hands, as perhaps some days you may envision them doing this to me

Your hands bring to me your words.  For many of you your words bring to me your heart.  Your words more often than not do this

Your heart always does this

When I started off 2012,  I don't think I even knew about Dd and ttwd. Now we are on an adventure to make our marriage all it can be for us.  Using Dd as a tool to help us.  But the biggest change so far has come with the help of your hands.  If it wasn't for all of you, sharing and caring, we would have been lost.  Actually we never would have started.  I felt alone for a long time, before we started ttwd.  

And although I will most likely never hear most of your voices, I hear you loud and clear ....through your hands.

Surround yourself with people who make you better, who help you grow, who love & celebrate you! You become a product of what you are around! ~Paula White.

 You are those people to me.  I thank you.  I am honoured to have you as friends.  By the way in Willie's World and her Dd thesaurus- when describing people outside of Blog Land  they will no longer be Real Life friends...they will be Face To Face Friends (FTFF<- memorize it) because- life and friends don't get any more real than in ttwd together in Blog Land.

From my hands I extend my love to you all


Friday, December 28, 2012

Given Super Powers for a Night

I wrote this post quite some time ago.  Actually around American Thanksgiving.  I basically wrote it for myself to work things out.  I never thought I was going to post it because it has only to do with my inner workings and ttwd- most of my musings I'm sure you're tired of LOL.  So there is no spanking, or real epiphanies in it.   There is no follow up to my last messy post.  Just think of it as weekend filler.  I won't blame you if you move on :) 

 In a post a while ago, I said if I could have a super power it would be to see myself as others did for a week.  It didn’t exactly happen like that , but I did have an eye opening experience from a pushy older sister!

    We recently made  a trip ‘home’ to visit with some of my family.  My eldest sister and her family stayed with us at my Mother’s home.  I have mentioned before how we always have such fun when we are together.  My (newer) brother-in-laws just smiles, shakes his head and resumes doing whatever he is doing when we are together. 

  I’ll ( sort of ) spare you the details of our time together. I did manage to slide in quite a bit of baby snuggle time with my 3 month old great nephew, which scored big points with my 27 year old nephew, as I sent him back to bed after a rough night.  Win. Win.

 My sister and I ended up with my Mother after a rather rowdy, laugh-fest dinner for a more private conversation.  The conversation started out typical for our family, particularly at this time of year as my Dad is never far from our thoughts.

 Before I get into the conversation, I’ll (try) and give you a brief  background on our relationship. ( okay who am I kidding- the only time I can accurately use the word brief is if I am describing underwear)  

  My sister is almost 20 years older than I am.  She went away to University  8 months after I was born ( in my province at the time high school had 5 years).  She also worked away from home every summer, so once she left for university, she never moved back home.

 She was everything you would find in a the lead character in a movie growing up…Captain of the cheerleading squad, valedictorian, Provincial Scholar, straight blonde hair, blue eyes.  She still is a very attractive woman, who everyone loves- extremely intelligent, successful professional, EXCELLENT dancer ( seriously her and my older brother used to win dancing competitions in university)- and she always knows what to say.  Now I know what you are thinking…NO … I don’t compare myself to her- you’d have to meet her to understand why I suppose.  She finds herself quite ordinary. 

Growing UP my mother just couldn’t help it.- I made the cheerleading squad ( I know right?  Me yelling…hard to believe) my mother’s response- 

Margaret was captain of the squad in grade 10, one of the youngest captains ever”.

   I was nominated for valedictorian, ( which I didn’t want and withdrew..eek talking to a large group of people…no thanks) of course the fact that Margaret ACTUALLY was valedictorian was brought up.  I even had a high school teacher bring me an almost 20 yr old yearbook to show me Margaret’s picture in it to ask if she was my sister.

  Anyway being the youngest was always fraught with comparisons…no biggie really because there are 2 others that had to deal with that too…LOL.   Seriously, I buried that hatchet long ago.  I know my Mother didn’t mean to.  I’m a parent- sometimes you just don’t realize that conversation can seem like criticism

 Our discussion around the dinner table that night started off because of something she was going through with her adult stepson and how he was hurting her feelings.  I can empathize with him, as he lost his mother and my sister is now married to his father.  I went on to explain how I know I must have hurt my Mother’s new husband when I was 22, although I didn’t mean too.  I was young and I felt lost, and I was self absorbed.  The two of them then abandoned the initial conversation and began talking about me.  Now normally as long as I am not being criticized or complimented, I don’t mind—but this conversation had me thinking for the better part of 2 days.<- raise your hands if you are shocked?

  They both started talking about how until I met Barney that they felt scared and sad for me, because they were afraid that I was feeling alone and abandoned.  *Alright, I can understand that.*  Everyone else was married with a family of their own.  I lived in a city with no family.  I wasn’t able to stay in a productive relationship for any longer than a few minutes- wait that makes me sound...well let's just say months then. 

 It was the next section of the conversation that had me thinking.  They went on to talk about when I was a baby and had to be hospitalized.  My sister was 18, my brother 17 and my other family members 9 and 7.  My Mother was unable to be there at the hospital all the time, so my brother and sister took over supervising my hospital care- something I never knew about.  I was shocked to find out that my 17 year old brother went toe to toe with the head nurse of the floor because I was not being seen to the way I should have been.  HUH?  Greg?  Really?

Margaret then said. 
“ Yes really.  You are our little project.”  Still not sure what that meant.  I’ll blame the B & B she was downing.  

“ You belong to all of us you know.  We all watched you grow and cheered in all your triumphs.  We were all terrified the entire time you were pregnant.( again just jumping in here..I may be the smallest in my family but seriously? I'm not elfin for crying out loud!)  Yes you were Daddy’s little girl—and spoiled rotten, but by all of us.  You are what ties us all together”

  Sheesh…talk about pressure!  No seriously.  I couldn’t figure out why these words kept playing in my head over and over again.  What was it that I felt about that?  Before ttwd and self examination I would have just left the table and never thought about it again. (annnnnnnnd probably slept better..ahem)

  Do you ever feel like when you go ‘home’ you fall into your old position in your family ?  I used to do that before we had kids.  It shocked me the first time my eldest brother got out of his chair in a room packed with his friends to offer me his seat. I’m not sure why it did.  I mean I was a woman- at least on the outside.

This time when we went ‘home’ I slipped into my old Wilma role, but the pre-ttwd role.  Hardened..bossy….sigh…I certainly did not want to think about my husband being able to spank me around my family.  I can’t deal with those thoughts there.  Not yet anyway. 

I was chatting with one of ‘our own’ the next night and she made a comment about something happening that “ didn’t have anything to do with Dd  I  then realized that even though the subject matter didn’t have anything to do with ttwd, -  TTWD touches all aspects of our lives.  At least it does for me.  I know some of you have had posts discussing this before.

My sister’s words, which she has never expressed before came to me because I wasn’t hardened, smart mouth Wilma anymore.  Well OKAY, as much ( and only to Barney- again this was WELLLL over a month ago when I wrote this   I opened up to her about how I saw myself in her stepson, as opposed to adding fuel to her fire.   I have always had the ability to see myself in someone’s else’s situation, I just didn't expressed it very often.

  The conversation wasn’t all me.  My eldest brother has been dealing with health issues since he was 21.  Margaret is the only one he really confides in.  She said

 “ I have always thought that Greg was never going to live to a ripe old age, and I am coming to peace with that

I tried, why I am not sure, to lighten her spirits by telling her that the crusty ones will always outlive us all…that  heck I’ll probably go before Greg” 

FAIL !  Wrong thing to say ! 

Don’t you dare say stuff like that!  I need you.. we all need you and you are NOT going anywhere until I’ve been dead for years do you hear me?”

Um how can I not- you are YELLING at me ?”…to which she burst out laughing

After analyzing this situation for quite some time, I realized that by shutting myself off, even before Barney, I didn’t let my family in either.  They consider me an integral part of the unit, not just the ‘baby’.  That all those times I felt alone I had an army standing behind me….after all I am their “ little project”

Sorry for those who were looking for a more of a Dd aspect to this post.  I know you got a whole lot of Wilma talking about herself- but I had to work it out.  Who knows maybe as a result of reading this post someone out there will allow themselves the  super power to see themselves as their family does, if only for one night.


So I am sitting here more than a month later after my early morning musings the other day thinking- huh.  Maybe I should try to see myself through Barney's eyes?  Nah....wink

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Am I Cut Out for This?

Let's see where this takes us shall we? Christmas prep wrap up.  How has my December been going ?  Well




Now this shouldn't be a problem right?  After all we have 'started' ttwd.  This is a tool in our marriage to eradicate things that might cause issues in our relationship.  Barney had already mentioned during our last maintenance session ( over a week ago btw) that we were going to have a reminder session prior to the 'big day' to help keep me in the right mind set.  Whoo Hoo!

Oh, but sorry it didn't quite happen that way.  There was LOTS of talk about punishment, in a joking manner, but nothing that amounted to anything.

I have to admit, I was a pretty horrible person at times.  Once again, there was no yelling or throwing things....but here are some more 'characters' to add to your Venn Diagram of Willie's Personalities

Some examples?  Sure what the heck...Well the day before Christmas Eve, Barney mentioned something about egg salad sandwiches.  In the past I have always made them up so that on Christmas Day we can just grab and eat breakfast/brunch whatever. Only Barney and I are the only ones that like them.  The kids were going to ( happily ) eat Cat's Christmas Birthday Cake all day.  I had said that I wasn't going to do them this year.  As some of you know, I am not huge on the old eating thing, and this was just another pain in the bum thing to do. Barney had commented on how he really likes them on Christmas day...I wasn't budging.  He then said he'd do it- it was okay.  Flash forward to ME doing it...cutting my freaking thumb in the process not once but TWICE on stupid eggs shells- what can I say, I bring klutziness to a whole new level over here. As that 'glorious' smell of hard boiled eggs wafted through our shoebox,  little pieces of shells covered the kitchen counter,  Barney walked into the kitchen.

" What are you doing ?"

I had to use Simon as an example of my facial expression- although his is way more 'tame' than mine was.

While chatting with another Dd wife, she mentioned that she had been, let's say 'reset' twice already since the holidays started.  Barney's response

" Well you are at LEAST two behind"

Nice-  so I made sport of him with our personal banker the day prior?.  He was laughing too...even when I threaten to stab him in the leg with a pen.  Sheeesh...picky picky.

So many incidents like this  repeated themselves.  I'll give you one more example of how 'wonderful' I was and then move on ....

 I needed to go into the room where Barney was to take care of something ASAP.  I said

" Um, don't look out from where you are because you may see more than you ever wanted to.  Somethings can't be unseen"

Barney ( chuckling) " Did you grow a penis ?"

W- " Well someone has to have one in this relationship"....laughing

B- " ...that's 3 "

W- " Yeah, yeah"

Move along to Christmas Day, after all the gifts are open, the Heirs to the Throne are busy and it is mad dash time to get ready for dinner for 12 in the shoebox.  Normally I would have had more things done ahead of time than I did this year.  For whatever reason that didn't happen.  Well procrastination was the reason.  Barney stepped up and well....became my wife...I became HoH basically...YUP roll reversal- but not really. Back to the way it has always been. With the exception that this year, Barney had more to do than in past years.  Was I stressed that day?  Not too much.. I basically didn't care.  Which in itself is odd, because I am a little OCD with things.  This time I kept telling myself that our company was coming to see us, not the dog hair that may or may not be in the corner of the room.  I know this to be true, but mostly I didn't have it in me to care.

I pointed out to Barney that this year I didn't have nearly enough done before hand.  I normally like to enjoy Christmas Eve with very little to do.  I teased him that it was his fault for not keeping his wife in line.  His response

" Hey now.  That's not fair"

Dinner turned out great.  We played games after dinner with our guests that resulted in tears of laughter.  This one game we played is truly  After our initial company left, I collapsed into bed.  Barney stayed up for a while to tidy up.  Fortunately for him our neighbour Gazoo stopped by to keep him company.

All holiday season we have been falling into bed.  I wouldn't say the Great Divide is back, but there is definitely a slight crevice there.  I haven't been laying my head on his chest, and he hasn't been the human octopus when I roll off of it.

Around 3 am I woke up with wicked heartburn.  I blame all the 'glasses of submission'  oh by the way           RED ALERT if you have an HoH who takes action

Where was I before my public service announcement ?...oh yes heartburn....heartburn that after Tums turned to heartache.

 As I lay on my couch, I thought about myself and ttwd.  I began to think that we or more precisely I am not cut out for this.  Over the past 3 months when I have complained commented on Barney not taking the HoH position I had 'given' him, I have had comments on my blog

It took _________ 3 months before he did anything.  Hang in there and try to stay submissive

It takes them a long time to get comfortable with this

It goes against everything they have ever known to be right

The thing is maybe I am not cut out to be submissive ( or insert whatever term you'd like to use here).  Maybe my core is  bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl.

I mean how can someone else be submissive without 'help' for 3 months...and I can't last a week? And why?  because of the holidays?  Seriously?  I can do this 'stuff' in my sleep.  There is NO reason to get controlling.  It works out.  It always does.  Yet there we were back in our old roles again.

I began thinking as I was laying there that this was almost like some sort of game.  We go about our daily lives, not too much changing.  Maintenance day arrives, I get spanked. I'm good for a day or so, and back to our lives we go again...repeat.

This time my thought process was centered on me.  Why can't I 'get' this?  Why do I need Barney to help me be a decent human being?  Seriously, I don't talk to okay many others the way I talk to him.  He CERTAINLY would NEVER  tease me the way I teased him over the holidays...NEVER.  I see other husbands torment their wives and I think, " what a jerk" but I don't even notice if / when the women do that to their husbands.

A wise 'old' HoH talked to Barney once about how he perceived he was treated by me.  He basically said,

 'Maybe she doesn't disrespect you- and that is great, or maybe she does, and has been doing it for so long that you don't even realize it anymore' <- as you can probably guess, he said it way better then that, but you get the point. 

 It is true. I do not give my husband the same courtesy I give others.  I mentioned before about the not yelling and throwing things, I did this because that would be something more concrete for Barney to see a change in.  He has in the past mentioned how I am not like ______ when he reads a blog post- something someone did that was blatantly obvious. Now though,  I do actually believe he is beginning to realize what the other HoH had told him months ago to be true. 

My issue with myself is, if I want this so badly, why am I not doing something about it ?-  Changing my attitude so that Barney's life has been changed for the better, therefore he can recognize when I slip up or fall back into my role.  I haven't done a great deal of that as of late.  I can see how it affects our relationship.  There is not many snuggles in the kitchen anymore, we don't watch t.v. together.  We are leading our separate lives again with maintenance thrown in.  

I think if is far too easy to point the finger at the newly appointed HoH and say that he is not leading and therefore we are not following but I refer you to this

Did my late night Negative Nellie voice give me an epiphany?  If it did, I have yet to change.  Now I must admit I have been sick the past few days, and dead on my feet- not too mention not mentally with it, so please accept my apologies if this post doesn't flow.

What I did realize is my part in all this.  ( Okay maybe again ) . I suppose I could take comfort in knowing that I felt bad about how I behaved towards Barney.  I wouldn't have given it another thought before.  I also know that I don't WANT to be bitchy, controlling, bulldozing, OCD girl.  For those 10 minutes back in October when I was submissive, I loved the weightlessness of it !  I loved how pretty I felt.  How soft.  How loved.  

Before you start, I know I am loved.  Barney still hugs me and tells me so, but some days I certainly don't feel worthy of it.  I don't WANT to be loved - or so I tell myself.  I know what I am supposed to do.  Yet I don't.  I let my stubborn pride get in the way of what is beneficial for us.  Pride = selfishness.  That is not conducive to a loving relationship.  One needs to put the other first.  Make them a priority in their lives.  I went from anticipating his needs, to anticipating and not even looking for them anymore until after the fact.  I'm afraid the next step is not bothering to reflect on this behaviour and then I will truly have come full circle again.  Once that happens....I'm not sure.

I'm desperately hoping that it is the holidays, the uncertainty of things, this stupid cold that has knocked my on my butt  and the physical disconnect that Mother Nature was so kind to provide, has sent me down one fork in the road and Barney down the other.  I do know that I can't sit back and hope things will get better.  I have to make some sort of first move, because no one wants to lead someone who refuses to follow. 

Thursday, December 20, 2012


 I knew I shouldn't have.  I mean he TOLD me he didn't think it was a good idea, but what exactly does that mean? It means if you do it, even though he said 'think', it is not good for your back end!  I was MAD, at some other stress, then he asked me if I went ahead and did IT.  His back was turned to me, washing dishes I had neglected during the day.  My eyes might have been able to burn a hole in the back of his head if my ears weren't busy letting the heat out through steam.


He threw the dish cloth in the sink, splashing water and suds everywhere.  This seemed to irritate him further,  and although I didn't find it so much funny as I thought his action was stupid, I let out a satisfied giggle. He flew around so quickly with a definite look on his face I had never seen before.  The next thing I knew I was being pushed upstairs, and none too gently either!  You know when you see a mother 'coaxing' her child out of the toy department in the store?  Hand under the arm, thrusting the upper arm and shoulder towards the ear?.  Thankfully, the steam that had just moments before been shooting out of my ears was suddenly gone.  No need to have a burnt shoulder to accompany my soon to be burning bottom!

Whoa is this what everyone means when they say, careful what you wish for?  Um, this might be more than I bargained for. And what the heck is that feeling in the pit of my stomach?  Fear? Uncertainty?  Nope laughter because...

                                                none of that happened...seriously people?  I told you I'm an angel.

 I just thought that if I put my original title and started to type it out, you would read the snippet and not read further.  AND if I am going to write it, I want someone to read it!  Especially this.

I know a number of you are signing off for Christmas, so I want to say good-bye ( I HATE that word by the way).  I will miss you all terribly.  Barney has a few days off, but will be mostly working.  I won't have access to my t.v.'s either as the boys are receiving multiple games that require ALL the televisions in the house. I do have my gift from Celeste Jones that I won from Ana's site!  So I'll read that !  Yay me!  Anyway, I'll be around is what I am saying..

Please everyone drive carefully. I have become so very close to some of you and I want to keep you around to harass talk to for a very long time!  AND for the rest of you I haven't met that goes for you too..after all we haven't chatted yet!

May your flights leave and arrive on time! May you have lots of elbow room in your seat, and may the person next to you know the meaning of deodorant.

I hope your family time is stress free.  That you find the right words to say when you get that horrid sweater with the reindeer on the front from you mother-in-law.  May you not get stuck at or near the kids table.  May you not have the rickety card table chair, covered in 15 different colours of paint at the Christmas dinner table, and my your bottom not need a pillow to sit on it if you get stuck there.  I hope you are able to fill your water goblet with submission wine, and use the  smaller 'good' crystal for the lesser important H20 ( oh hush up Cat).

I am posting this early to ensure I get the bulk of you I hope.  I know I have already missed some :(

It has been a very difficult month for many.  I sincerely hope that on December 25 th whether you are with 200 people or 2 that you are able to embrace the gifts that have been bestowed on you  .

 I consider my friendships to be one of the best things to come to me the latter months of this year. Obviously my improved relationship with my husband tops the list, but I seriously doubt we would have gotten very far without all of your words of encouragement, support and kicks in the pants ( Oh you know who you are!)

I may not have seen all of your faces, but trust me when I say I hold you dear to my heart!

Merry Christmas and All the Best for You and Your Families in the          New Year!


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

For Roz, but Everyone Feel Free to ' Enjoy'

So I promised Roz some Christmas cheer, and that is exactly what she is going to get.  That being said, Christmas cheer Wilma-style is like Gangnam-style - a little off.  I thought I'd start off by posting this video - surely to goodness you aren't Aunt Chippy...hopefully her frustration will make you smile ( man how awful am I ?).

  Now don't any of you HoH's out there suggest that poor Aunt Chippy requires a spanking.  The producer deserves a fry pan to the side of the head!  Which brings me to my next posting

What is really funny about this, is how utterly untrue it is- well where I am concerned of course!

Still not working for ya?  Even the Grinch transformed you know?

Still not there?  How about my personal favourite.- not this version, but I liked this video best

Man, you are one tough cookie, and a huge time waster as this post has probably taken up a good 15 minutes of your day already.

Are you familiar with the Christmas song Feliz Navidad?  I'll post it for those who don't know...

My youngest is now a very small, extremely adorable ( no seriously, ask anyone *wink*) 11 year old.  He is always singing little songs ( no not in a 'Jazz hands'  kind of way- NOT that there is anything wrong with that) Anyway about 4 years ago he came in from school.  They had taught the kids Feliz Navidad for the school pageant.  Only he came in singing " Maurice La dee da"....he's so bilingual ..inserting a French name into a Spanish Christmas song.

Still Nothing?  How about a cozy nook?

One last idea...I like to call this the Submission Christmas Tree ( taken at Emma's house) Of course this only works if you were the one to empty the bottles.  I suppose this could be the tree after next years ttwd Christmas party


Fine....I'm calling the Boss...and not the one who decided NOT to come to NZ...This guy

At the very least that is what you get for poor time management!  Wasting your time watching all these videos!  Shame on you!

Much Love...and Christmas cheer to you my friend(s)!

Now I feel like I should explain this....but I can't.. I was going to post two kids hugging in the snow, but I came across this gem.  I figured it was a perfect warped book- end  finish to Aunt Chippy.  I can't stop laughing..I know, I know, I need help!


Anxiety Girl Spanked to the Curb !

  Not too long ago Cat at Giggles and Reflections had yet another funny post ( which you can read by clicking on her blog name- by the way Cat also taught me how to do that!  Thanks Cat). I joked that I didn't recognize myself in any of the little pictures she had posted there- I don't think I fooled her.  Anyway, I stole this little ditty to explain how I  WAS,  (yes, was fear not this is not another Weepy Willie Post) after my last post.

Oh I see you all out there throwing your hands up in the air in frustration.  Yelling at your computer screens,  " Great another freakin' persona !  Ethel get the Venn diagram out, Willie's added another character !"  And to you I say FEAR not.  Oh yes I was definitely Anxiety Girl.  Her and I go waaaaay back, but she ususally arrives monthly and she's is about as welcome as her travel companion.  THIS time she came alone.  

 If one wanted to delve into the why Anxiety Girl chose to visit twice in one month,one could chalk up her visit to the holidays...but I don't think so ( and you know I have given this a lot of thought).  Perhaps the anxiety slipped in when I left myself numb from the weekend.  Good news-  at least I was feeling again?

Well let's just say that Barney made sure I was feeling SOMETHING  again.  Yes, yes, this is the spanking part....I'll take a moment while my 'friends' whop an holler .  Alright hate to cut some of your parting short, as this was Maintenance. Not punishment.  Did you notice I didn't say target practice, or tan your titanium toosh? M.A.I.N.T.E.N.A.N.C.E.  

Barney read my blog this morning...three times- see Bas you are not the only one, must be an HoH thing.  We had a discussion before our session.  For some unknown reason this week I was nervous.  I almost decided to call the whole thing off- like the WHOLE thing off.. For one fleeting second, I thought I can't do this.  I can't for the life of me tell you why that was. Well perhaps that was Anxiety Girl trash talking in my ear.

We lay on our bed and talked before hand.  Well Barney talked.  He talked about my last blog post, and how he noticed what was happening with me.  He mentioned how we both knew that it was most likely going to be a snow day the day before- so he didn't consider it a cancelled maintenance day.  Once again he brought up wrapping his head around actual punishment.  He is trying to figure out how he is supposed to be feeling when he does administer it.  That is his thought process at the moment.  

The mistake I made last week that he had to fix did indeed make him angry, he told me. There was no point, in his mind expressing that anger toward me as it was an honest, careless, but honest mistake- and that I was taking it far harder than he thought I should.( I hear your sighs).  The conversation continued around future punishment and that he is getting more comfortable with the idea, but is never really angry AT me. He is  more frustrated with me. ( See- I still think I can use that as evidence that I am an angel).  

He wanted to clarify that when he said I was doing much better this holiday season than last, he didn't mean I was unbearable last year, but I don't seem as stressed.  He attributes that to me letting him in since we started ttwd- to us COMMUNICATING even when it is difficult, and I don't want to, like last week.

Ooops sorry I guess THIS is the spanking part.  OTB I went.  I don't remember a great deal about what was said this time.  But it must have been better because I wasn't thinking my own lecture in my head.  Did I giggle?  Well I bit my tongue at one point so as not too because Barney once again said " Man I really have to start working out". 
Thanks to Lucy for sending this to me!

 Before our lecture we talked about how I was going to be spanked.  I mentioned the speed thing again- and THIS time he was faster.  That really did help.  So faster hand, then the belt...more conversation...Harder, faster belt.  ( let me clarify by conversation- I mean he asked me, and I was honest- I was not telling him how to )  He then went back to his hand...that hurt.  I think the switching up of implements helps so that my brain doesn't get used to one and settle in a safe zone.  He then said something about that blasted silicone spatula( which is actually a spreader).  Okay THAT got my attention.  You see I have only ever been spanked once for punishment, at the start of ttwd, for not following my food journal and exercising, and he brought this out ( which I had stupidly purchased).  

 Now we were new to ttwd at the time- NEWER I should state, and there was no warm up.  This sucker is KILLER.  By swat number 3 I couldn't hold position anymore.  So after a LONG time with a belt, I wasn't looking forward to this.  I casually mentioned how much that hurt and that he had mentioned it for punishments only.  Thank God he agreed and moved on to a wooden spatula that is like a paddle but ligher.  The 'paddle' was beginning to do its thing in combination with the previous implements ( oh there was a plastic thing in there too).  Not too long after I was curling my toes and grasping at the duvet.  I could see the  break through on the horizon.   As I started to squirm, Barney stopped.  

 I am not upset with Barney, you seriously have no idea how many swings the poor man took today.  I know he's not keen on seeing me in pain, so I think once I started to grab the duvet and didn't break, he was worried  how much more it was going to take and stopped.

Although I didn't grab what I thought I wanted from this spanking, I did gain something very important.  I regained myself.  I have no idea how it works or why it works, but it did.  I am completely reset- Anxiety Girl vanished.  Before Maintenance today I was going to send an email to someone ( not Dd related) and I thought, I should really wait until after my spanking today and see if that is how I want to proceed.  I never wrote the email..I am still thinking about email conversations between myself and this person, but I no longer feel anxious about it.

Do I feel more submissive?  Um I actually hadn't felt overly NON submissive ( again zip know who you are) this week.  Perhaps that is what this 'break through " will mean if I am able to cross the threshold.  I want to be able to feel like I need to climb on my husbands lap after- for me, not just for him.  Who knows?  Maybe that is not  even in my make up- but as I type today 12 hours later on a still very sore bum, I am grateful for the reset!

I saw a difference in Barney during and after my spanking marathon today.  He was determined, and not shaken up.  Good for him, and myself today-  
I hear bad for me later :) 


Monday, December 17, 2012

Self Obsessed ...Coping that is Not

 Since Barney and I started ttwd I have personally grown in leaps in bounds.  Keep in mind I am not that athletic, so my version of leaps and bounds and yours might be slightly different.

I have (  hardly ) suppressed my emotions since the beginning of our adventure- and even when I have tried I have not been successful for any great length of time.  Sure I have certainly distanced myself, regular readers of this blog feel free to jostle your head up and down in full agreement.  The thing is, I still feel while distancing myself.  The emotions are close to the surface, longing to come out- and come out they have, time and time again.

Congratulations Wilma, no more building walls.  I was blissfully beginning to believe this.  In fact I still do.  I have another visual now.  It is not as concrete as a wall, something more permeable.  I have been thinking that my emotion-coping strategies are more like hiding behind a beaver dam. 

 Our adventure is like canoeing down a slow moving river.  Along the way we encounter still water, and a beaver dam- blocking our forward progress.  Inevitably the dam bursts, weather through self reflection, or with Barney's help, and we continue on until the next dam in the river. 

 Some times the water merely seeps out at a very slow pace and a great deal of the dam doesn't give away, but that doesn't really matter as the emotion of the water flows through, and that is the most important part-  or so I thought...The thing is the busy little beaver is quite good at repairing a dam that isn't completely destroyed. But we've travelled through it, so it should no longer be a problem.

However, sometimes the water in the river quickly changes to white water and it is important to shoot the rapids in order to continue on the course we mapped out.

Did you notice only one person in this canoe shooting the rapids?  Yeah, not a huge fan of choppy water.  Quietly I abandoned 'ship'  Here is where I am

Heading back to to where this guy has been busily working, without my knowledge.  I seems so much 'safer' in the calm water that I have already traveled through

 This past week my coping skills altered a bit from the past.  In the past before ttwd, I obsessed,( okay WAY more than now, believe it or not) and became consumed with grief.  Thinking, thinking, thinking about every single angle and possible emotion and issue people in a certain situation could encounter, and then I would suppress it.  It was almost as if I tortured my thoughts until I couldn't take it anymore and then I could safely slam the door shut and throw away the key. Thinking that I would never even try to look for the key, yet alone open the door.  

The past few days I used this 'coping' method.

-deciding that trying to process what one can't ever really process was not going to change or help the outcome.  I avoided anything unpleasant.  I didn't embrace anything pleasant either.  I realized I had become completely numb.  I am sure there are a great deal of you out there that going numb is a 'coping' strategy for you.  I assure you this has NEVER happened to me before.  Somewhere along the line, my so-called coping techniques have become like the infection that is resilient to antibiotics .  It is frightening actually how one can go to great pains, to 'protect' oneself from hurt.

Now for the conundrum- since starting ttwd, I am well aware this is not healthy.  That this numbness stops the joy as well as the hurt.  I also realize that this too will pass- perhaps when conversations can return guilt free to talking about Christmas and how our house seems too small because the kids have been off school for two weeks and are bored.

Today was a snow day here.  It was also supposed to be Maintenance day.  We weren't completely surprised that the boys were staying home, as the weather started last night.  This morning I sat on my couch and cried- for myself...and then I felt guilty.  The boys love snow days.  What kid wouldn't ?  I have all three of them near me, excited about Christmas, when, well you all know....and yet I wanted them to be at school.  What a horrible mother..... I needed maintenance.  

I know we haven't had the traditional 'break through' during M. and perhaps I was still going to need a miracle to get through my thick scull - I don't know.  I just can't stand being numb, and I am too afraid to let the dam burst-

I suppose when I reread this post, it doesn't appear that I have grown in leaps in bounds at all.  I have a long way to go.  I can cope when it is easy, but old destructive habits are hard to break I guess.

Barney on the other hand has grown leaps and bounds.  He talked to me on the level I would 'allow' last night...politics and the media coverage of events, but never dipping too deeply into the conversation.  He did mention the unhealthy actions I was taking.  That I have to let myself feel.

  He was patient and overly forgiving this morning when I had made a MAJOR mistake last week that will make things a little more difficult in the next month.  A mistake that only he can fix. Despite being bogged down with work frustrations, he managed to find time to help me with my one of my Christmas things, that I find difficult.  Before work he held me ( I had dirty cooking hands) in the kitchen, and told me how well I was handling all the stresses I have been encountering this year at Christmas. That I was doing so much better than in past years.  With that he told me he loved me and left for yet another 12 hour day of work.

I want to leave you with a positive note .  Apparently tomorrow is blogger day of silence so hopefully this little one will keep you smiling until we return on Weds.  I have been trying to post Canadian music during the  days leading up to Christmas.  The background music is Raffi a Canadian Children's Recording Artist.  The song isn't great, but I just love how this little girl gets down when the " way down in Bethlehem" part of the song  comes on.  She apparently was supposed to perform at her school's Christmas pageant, but was sick