Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Rainy Day Sunny Thoughts

Well this morning was overcast, threatening to rain.  What to do?  What to do? 

Barney starts back to work today.  The next few days will be VERY long , followed my pretty light (gee that sounds like I am advertising a feminine hygiene product!).  He starts a new position at the beginning of next week.  He will now be responsible for over 70 employees and ALL of the hiring and a great deal of the firing of staff- he always has had staff under him, but not this many.  He should get lots of practice being bossy! Lol.  Although he won’t be able to spank them, I would still bet he’ll find them easier!

So I need to exercise.  Sigh-  Off to the bus stop, armed with my umbrella I head- to drop off my youngest.  He doesn’t need me to go, but he wants me to, so as long as I am wanted I will go.  I will then proceed to walk for my exercises.  I used to do this 5 days a week a few years ago.  For some reason I just stopped.  Now granted, starting a walking exercise routine at the end of October in Canada is almost a guarantee fail for me.  Even though I was born in the ‘Northern’ part of my province, me and winter have a love/ hate relationship.  I love how pretty it is, from inside my warm house!  The HATE should be obvious.

Alright, 10 year old’s MP3 player blaring ‘music’ in my ears….and I’m off!  About a couple of KMs into my walk it begins to drizzle.  NO problem.  I’m feeling so happy, and light.  I just take my Mary Poppins attitude and click open my umbrella…I literally burst out laughing.  It is a good thing I was alone on the street,-the boys are usually the ones who take the umbrella’s- if it’s raining I am not going out..( Yes, yes I am made of sugar- guff as if you guys didn’t already know that! )

The umbrella looks like it has been used to beat off a pack of wild dogs!  Mary Poppins couldn’t jump off the bed with this thing!  I must have been quite the site walking down the street! 

I walked a similar path I had taken a couple of weeks ago when I had my break down.  Which one Wilma?…easy now, play nice.  The sobbing episode.  It was raining that day too.  I didn’t bring an umbrella that day, ( although you could seriously argue I didn’t bring one today either!).  I poked storm drains with my wet shoes, clearing debris from them, watching them drain.  Not today! I marveled at how all the bright yellow leaves lit up the ground.

 I took roads that I knew were dead ends, just because I had never been down them.  It was on one of these roads, that I was almost been run over by a speeding Volvo.  I would have too if I didn’t jump into the ditch on the side of the road.  (I saw Distancing Dixie and Defiant Debbie laying there- I didn’t help them up).  I didn’t even get angry with the driver.  I mean it is a dead end, raining and all kids should be in school I guess he thought it’d be safe to drive like a maniac.

 I thought how this walk a few weeks ago was all about running away from Barney.  Now it is all about getting a better looking target for him to look at!*wink*

For a good portion of the middle part of my walk I didn’t even think!  It was wonderful!  Seriously my mind is always on overdrive.  I just listened to the ‘music’ .  I use quotation marks because I don’t really know if you can qualify Crazy Frog as music…If you don’t know who Crazy Frog is, don’t bother looking ‘him’ up,  be grateful and move on.

Now there is this HUGE hill in my neighbourhood.  People use it to train on for marathons etc.. I looked at it from the bottom.  When I used to exercise, I too walked the hill up and down as exercise.  Boring, but effective.  This hill was about ¾ of the way into my walk.  There are several streets that one can turn off of on the hill if you want to wimp out.  I took a second and thought- H*ll Wilma,( seriously?  I have always talked to myself, but now I’m using my blogger name?) you’ve got this!  Think of all the stuff you have done in the past month, what’s a little physical burn?  So up I went. 

Here’s the really corny part- as I panted I thought about a lot of people in blogland.  I think this started because I pasted a couple of scarecrows.  The likes of which, I am convinced I will never see again without thinking of Lillie.  Thankfully now I suppose, because I must have been a crow in my former life as they used to creep me out- them and nutcrackers, (I’ll save that for another time- I know you are all waiting with baited breath).  Lillie and her creepy friends got me thinking about blog land.  Then I thought of Lucy and her little men trick or treating.  I thought of Emi and how I hoped that she was able to find her lighthouse in her fog.  Cat and how her and I are the apparent pervs in blog land ! <-  again THANKS Lillie!  How Susie hates storms, but Minelle loves them.  I thought of Blue Bird and how we are similar, LM and our husbands. Sunny in her disposition as well as her name. I wondered about how Cowgirl was doing, and what she would have said about some of my episodes.…I went on and on  I thought of all of you ! It is a HUGE hill …(past an old lady, and her FANCY, useful, golf umbrella- take that old woman, mind has holes for wind resistance!)

 Before I knew it I was almost at the top!  I know, I know, Wilma you corn dog were you thinking that this hill is a metaphor for how everyone in blog land has helped you take difficult steps to achieve your goal ?  I WAS and then as I reached the top, my heart pounding, I smelled burnt sugar…Mmmm…wait !…oh phew, it is the burnt toast smell I have to worry about!

On I went, heart pounding, music blaring…umbrella kind of just there, Happy, happy, content.  Last week I took part of this walk with Barney after maintenance and I was so distant, cold- and the weather was fantastic that day. Today the weather was getting worse, but my contentment was growing.  I thought of so many things that made me happy. 

When I was almost home thoughts of all the kind things people have said about me over the years came into mind.  I have grown accustom to only remembering snide comments that I’ve glossed over the good.  I don’t take compliments very well.  I guess I just don’t know how. It makes me uncomfortable.  Today these words kept me warm despite the fact that I was drenched, and actually cold.  I hadn’t noticed until I walked in my front door how wet and cold I really was.

Barney was out when I left.  He has been dealing with my son’s school.  He has been dealing with the teenage boy for the past couple of days, and I feel not only relieved by good about that.  I can’t believe the amount of worry that has been removed from my body.  I have made my suggestions, naturally, I AM his mother, but it is on Barney how we proceed.  Time will tell, but it feels good.  AND everybody is still standing…AND my cell phone has miraculously reappeared.  THAT was a show down around here last night- one that I thankfully didn’t have to be a part of!  Yay Barney!

Anyway, by the time I got home, Barney was home, making appointments he has been putting off.  Loose ends are getting tied.  I know things are going to change again, they always do, but today I am basking in the sunshine, even though it is pouring rain out!

I appreciate you all so much!

Love Wilma!

PS>  My walk-- 1 hour 10 minutes, 5.14 miles or  8.27 kilometres !

 I used to do 13.7 km in an hour and a half daily…some day.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I Have Earned the Right to the Secret Handshake!

Dealing with the Bloodbath Aftermath of Yesterday.

Before I begin, I really must thank each and every one of you for your encouraging comments and wonderful, caring emails.  It means more than you will every know- well I guess most have you have been 'there' so you do know how an internet caress can warm your soul even when you are in such a dark place. J

Yesterday, for various reasons, some of which I have expanded upon, and some I have not, the ‘promised spanking’ from Saturday did not occur.  Was I disappointed? Yes but not because I actually wanted my butt set on fire, but because I thought this would be a giant step closer to our Dd relationship.  I, by no means thought that we would just be skipping along into full fledged Dd after it, that is for sure.  Was I surprised that it didn’t happen, not really.

After my post yesterday, after the cloud of sadness settled over me, something else happened.  Something I am not proud of, and I am not even sure how it happened.  Barney and I were discussing, well I’m not even sure if discussing is the correct term here-anyway I felt he was portraying an attitude of ‘ Well tomorrow’s another day…..”

I actually lost it!  Even Defiant Debbie went into hiding! Insert Wilmazilla Dragon Lady!  I apologize once again for those who read this in private emails, but here goes-  I stomped out of the room, ( for the record, as an adult I have NEVER done that), I ‘placed’ things down NOT so gently.  I scoured the kitchen ( okay, well that is not such a bad thing): I slammed doors.  I made excuses to go into which ever room Barney was in to pick a fight.  I won’t go on, but trust me I did go on, and on and ON !  I have no flippin’ idea who this woman was, but if I never see her again it will be too soon.

I pushed, Barney for the initial part remained calm.  I expressed that I thought it was cruel and unfair to say he was going to act 2 days before, hint at it throughout the weekend and then circumvent the situation, ( there was also something that couldn’t be helped that stopped yesterday from progressing) so it didn’t come into play.  He apologized.  That should have been the end of it.  Only I wouldn’t let it go?  WTFrig?

As time went on, Barney tried to subdue the situation. He became HoH.  He stepped up!  I, as I said to others, STEPPED over.  Talk about sending mixed signals Wilma!  I in short was horrible.  Sure I was disappointed, but I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that, why did I feel it was alright to treat the man I love that way?

I retreated to our bedroom for HOURS.  Seriously hours.  I lay there and let the tears fall on and off.  I read blogs.  I didn’t sob like I did a few weeks ago, but there was such an anger in me.  I didn’t know why, and I still don’t now.  Perhaps it was protecting me from the hurt? 

I read a quote from a prayer that had been reblogged several times.  I am not sure if this is the direct quote, but for my purpose it is close enough

“ Allow me to be an asset to Him, not a hindrance

Well that started the tears to fall.  I looked at my actions, heard my words of the day.  I heard Barney’s aswell.  I was most definitely not an asset today I thought. I felt I had failed him, my boys, our journey, our marriage-myself.  Do I still feel that way today?  Well I’m not proud of myself, that is for sure.  Unlike other ‘meltdowns’ I have had recently, I couldn’t find the value in this one.  How it would make us stronger on the other side?  I could only see the damage I created in its wake.

So for the first time in a long time I prayed.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m Catholic, born and bred.  I’ve prayed,

 ( Hmmm?  side note here, I wonder if Barney will consider Mass as part of my excercise routine- there is a great deal of standing, to sitting, to kneeling?)

 I say a simple prayer every night before going to bed, “ Thank you God for another day”.  But I never pray for myself- well outside of silly things like, Oh God don’t let me drop this…not really a prayer.  I too, believe that you should never pray for a specific outcome. So my prayer yesterday ?-

 “ Please help me see the answers even though I have no idea what the question is”

Hey- I figure HE created me, He knows how my mind works or doesn’t, perhaps He’ll understand the prayer, because I certainly didn’t.

For the rest of the day/night I was continually drawn back to the two trees outside my bedroom window blowing in the wind.  It was most surreal to be honest.  I was mesmerized by them.

The one tree is a maple, a sugar maple I believe.  It began to grow the first summer we moved in to our home, just beyond our backyard.  It came from a maple key, not a sapling we bought.  I cultivated that tree for many years, protected it- even asked Barney to expand our garden’s retaining wall around that tree to protect it in its early years.   The tree is now as tall as our house.  It is a beautiful tree, but it is not that strong.  It has lost limbs in storms. It has a huge crack down it’s trunk from one such incident.  The tree is almost naked now due to the time of year.  I watched as one leaf flapped in the wind.  I was cheering for it to hang on.  I then realized that it needed to fall.  That was the cycle for this tree.  In order for it to complete its change for the next season, no leaves should be on the tree because the branches aren’t designed to hold the leaves and the snow.  It needs to be naked to winter the winter.  But even naked, the tree holds a different kind of beauty.  You can see its lacy branches swaying in the breeze.  In some ways it is way more interesting to look at without its leaves.

The second tree, is perhaps one of my favourite trees.  It is a huge, majestic, red pine.  My neighbour can’t stand it because it drops needles in the summer, and can kill the grass if you don’t rake away the dead fall.  I LOVE it.  I love the smell of the dead needles when the summer sun heats them up. I told my neighbour that if she was going to figure out a way for the city to cut it down, I would chain myself to it.  I meant every word!  This tree remains constant, yet in every season there is a different reason to love it.  In the summer my boys have spent many hours climbing it, ( okay, I don’t love the sap that gets on their clothes,but that has never once made me tell them to get down).  In the fall when the dew gets heavier or the frost hits, in the early morning it looks like Tinkerbell has sprinkled her fairy dust on it.  And in the winter! –when all the memories of the beautiful maple leaves of the fall have left everyone’s mind, there the red pine stands strong, proudly holding mountains of snow on its bows.  Looking every bit like a Christmas card.  

The contrast between the two trees in the full moonlight last night was startling.  I actually wouldn’t have been able to see the full beauty of my lacy maple, if the red pine was not situated behind it.  The maple wildly blew in the breeze, creaking as it did. I kept thinking how I was happy not to be near it as a whip from a maple branch really stings.  The red pine swayed, almost danced in the wind.  Its main branches are strong, but the smaller branches that holds the needles are finer. When you pull back the branches of a red pine, they do strike, but there really isn't a sting to it. They are designed to sway and outstand any storm, regardless of the season.

So it obviously don’t take a genius to see that these two trees I was drawn to last night, two trees that have been together almost as long as Barney and I, represented us.  OR it doesn’t take a genius to know that I spent more time standing next to the guy at the party Saturday night self medicating for his glaucoma than I should have!

So that was the answer I sought out to the question I didn’t know I was asking?  Who knows.  It did make me ponder.  Make me feel a little better.  It finally gave me the ability to sleep.

Before my moonlight reflection of the trees, Barney had come to find me around 3 am.  I was ironing due to the fact that I couldn’t sleep.  He thought I was ironing because I was concerned that the power was going to go out.  LOL.  I’m not that good of a submissive!  He came to apologize.  I felt awful.  I felt I wasn’t deserving of his apology.  I told him perhaps he wasn’t’ ready, and that was okay. 

This morning he was ready! Yup.  It happened.  His reason was for the way I haven’t been taking care of myself which is part of our rules.  Not because of yesterday, or Friday’s disrespect.  I kind of figured he would find a way for it to be about me, more than him. ( So did anyone have that in the pool?)

  He left nothing to chance today.  He took action within half an hour of the last kid to leave for school  I actually have some slight bruising to show for it, much to Barney’s dismay.  I kind of figure that would happen, due to the technique applied, and because any part of me that is not tanned, is WHITE!!! I bruise quite easily.  I bruise easily and have a high tolerance to pain, so yeah…Anyway, I’m not upset about it.  He’s coming to grips.  I don’t think he is horrified by it.  In fact later in the morning while I was getting dressed for the 3 time ( ahem!) he was across the room looking at me, I said,

“You know, it really isn’t that bad.  I mean I can feel it, and there are a few welts, but its okay”

His response.

“ You have a really nice butt” 

I burst out laughing!


 “What?I like your butt! I always have”

  Yeah, he’s coming to grips alright!

We talked about it after.  About how perhaps things could change regarding it<- just shoot me now- spanking tips given by the spankee to the spanker…like I’m not going to regret that one!

We also talked about other ways to show dominance.  My biggest desire, NON sexual touching.  I mean don’t get me wrong, the other is nice too, but he’s mastered that one in the past month, trust me!  

So Cowgirl, if you have had a stolen minute to yourself and are lurking around, you can show me that secret handshake now!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Oh He's Consistent Alright

 Yeah,  he's consistent alright

He is consistent about sending mixed signals.

He is consistent for his lack of communication.

He is consistent about procrastinating.  Yup.  You guessed it he decided to wait- wait until he had no choice but to abandon the idea.  I should have known.

I have gone through the entire gamut of emotions and back again.  ANGER..

Oh so much--hurt,

But that hurts too much so back to Anger! 



 Loss of hope- that this is ever going to work. 

The thought that I maybe I'm completely crazy to think that this would work for us.

 Anger that he has turned this around to be about him,  failing to see how difficult the past 2 days have been. 

He is consistently inconsistent.

 Today I feel like Barney actually helped Submissive Sally pack her bags, and called her a taxi.

Me on the other hand -consistently crying.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A Promised Spanking (yikes)

AND so it begins

Friday was the start of a slew of days off for Barney.  I was so excited.  Too excited I suppose.  Submissive Sally was out in full force too!  Life was good.  Finally some one on one, with out 2,3 and 4 in the house.  He had mentioned to me earlier in the week that there were a few things we were going to in actually talk about.  Plus I was hoping--well you know what it is like with kids old enough to KNOW what is going on when Mom and Dad are MIA- and they were gone for 8 whole hours..* *wink**.  NOT!

 We did our errands in the morning, and I was feverishly hand sewing my  #*%! costume.  Child number 2 was going to be home in just over an hour.  Barney?  Lost in some wing of our town house.  Seriously, where was he.  Eventually, he came to me and said he was taking our mutt ( and I use that in the most affectionate way) for a walk.  It was, after all over 20 degrees Celsius outside. 

Well FINE then..there goes all hope of anything 'fun' or even having a private discussion until Monday.  Pfft. Huff.     -What?-  OH.... here comes Distancing Dixie and Defiant Debbie skipping down the road, and Submissive Sally? pushed into the ditch.  Sigh. 

Major pout on.  Get it together Wilma.  Nope- didn't happen.  Barney left for his walk and I stewed...and then SHOCKING...tears ( again!). Well THIS time I'm not even going to think about it!  Nope I'm in a temper tantrum and I'm not going to talk myself out of it! ( Not such a great plan. I don't recommend it.  It feels horrible, once the dust settles).  So there I was fuming because it feels so much better than being disappointed. BTW before ttwd, I wouldn't have cared where Barney was, as long as he wasn't bugging me.

Barney came back well before his projected arrival.  He sat down to talk to me.  My attitude didn't improve.  We talked about my exercising and my list for the day.  I told him I hadn't made one.  HA!  Take that Mr. I didn't even notice HoH. ( again, DO NOT go this route).  Eventually after what can only be described as a 5 year old temper tantrum, Barney said,

" Alright that is it, let's go"

" No'


"No . _________ is going to be home in like 10 minutes."

" Yeah well I don't want to wait all weekend"

" Oh well" ( I know..I know...right?)

With that he left and sat on our front step-probably trying to calm down, so as to NOT kill his wife.  I  returned to my sewing- actively not giving it any thought.  Child #2 returned home wondering why Dad seemed so sad on the front step.  WONDERFUL work Wilma.  You're a real prize. They went off to shoot some hoops.  I stayed behind and, wait for it.....cried.

When he returned, I apologized to Barney.  In person too!  Yay letters, but big girl words!  I told him that I was so excited for our day off together, and disappointed how the day turned out.  I told him that the way he was reacting to me this week was very confusing.  I expressed that it was just as hard for me as it was for him ttwd. That I sometimes feel like I am giving something he doesn't want.  

He reassured me that this was not the case.  He said he could understand that his actions in the past week would be confusing to me.  He apologized for letting things get this far without some sort of action.

I said I balked at his threat to spank me because I wasn't sure he wanted to actually do it.  Perhaps I was manipulating the situation again- to which I received this reply

" Oh I wanted to spank you alright."

 He said the idea of it was not something he was completely comfortable with, but he was more than willing to carry this through.  He believes it is important. (yikes).

We went to our party Friday night.  He was the belle of the ball.  All the women loved his costume.  He even danced!  I too had fun, but not as much as he did.  I, ( get this, you're going to love this) was advice girl.  Seriously, people kept coming up to me with their problems.  This one guy in particular kept cornering me!  Even friends remarked, ' What was with the guy in the suit?  Stalking you"  I know right?  If he only knew who he was seeking advice from !  Truth is, in my younger, happier days, this happened to me ALL THE TIME. lol.  When John Travolta, Barney wasn't groovin' on the dance floor, and I was not Dr.Phil, we were pretty much inseparable.  On of our friends even said, "  What's with you two?" Normally we get to a party, and Barney goes one way, and Wilma, well she buzzes around like a bee on crack in a nursery.

When we finally fell into bed that night, I ( pumped up with liquid courage) asked Barney

" Um, are you going to spank me on Monday?

" Yup"

" oh, okay"

" Don't worry about it right now okay ?"

OH YEAH SURE!!!  ...well he did  make me a little distracted *blush*

 Party number 2 was a GREAT time.  Once again Barney's costume was a HUGE hit.  I had to explain mine to some people who didn't know me.  As for the one's who knew, they loved it too!  I absolutely adore the people we were with.  I laughed, and laughed, and made people laugh until tears were down  our faces.  I am so fortunate to know so many wonderful, TWISTED people!

I am not as anxious about tomorrow as I should be, mostly because I have never experienced what I apparently am going to.  I have been trying to not think about it.  I know that this is long overdue, and this is what we agreed on.  Barney has still been his happy go lucky self, until I slip it into the conversation. He then stands a little straighter, his voice seems to deepen, and well, then I change the subject again.

I think I'll just concentrate on remembering how much fun I had last night.  Oh and fill out my list and EXERCISE!<- Too little too late, but it is the start of a new week, and I don't want to give Mr. HoH any more reasons to 'exercise' his right arm.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Post Party Post

Barney and I had a great time at Dan and Roseanne's party last night.  Our costumes were a huge hit--especially mine ( toot toot!)  I received so many compliments from the younger generation there ( early 20s) that was so nice!

Anyway feeling a bit 'tired' today.  Lots happened with Barney and I yesterday afternoon, I'll get to that either tomorrow or Monday, ( which appears like it is not going to be a 'great' day for either of us :(  )

One more party to go tonight!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

PK's blog questions

My turn to answer PK's memes. Based on these questions and my answers, I've led a pretty exciting life !  .
Please copy the questions and answer them on your own blog.

Only two rules: You must answer yes or no. You may not explain unless someone asks.

Taken a picture naked? No
Made money illegally? No
Had a one night stand? Yes
Been in a fist fight? No
Slept with your best friend? Yes
Had sex in a public place? Yes
Ditched work to have sex? Yes
Slept with a member of the same sex? No
Seen someone die? Yes

Ran from the police? No
Woke up somewhere and not remember how you got there? Yes
Worn your partners unmentionables? Yes
Fallen asleep at work? No
Used toys in the bedroom? Yes
Ran a red light? Yes
Been fired? No
Been in a car accident? No
Pole danced or done a striptease? Yes
Loved someone you shouldn't? Yes
Sang karaoke? No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed so hard you peed your pants? Yes
Caught someone having sex? Yes
Kissed a perfect stranger? Yes
Shaved your partner? Yes
Given your private parts a nickname? No
Ever gone in public without underwear? Yes
Had sex on a roof top? No
Played chicken? No
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes

Do you sleep naked? No
Blacked out from drinking? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Been with someone because they were in a band? No
Taken 10 shots of liquor in a day? Yes
Shot a gun? No
Gone outside naked? No

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Realization,Explanation, Wilma style-So Get Comfortable!

 Alright, well back to ‘normal’ around here.. Did I give you whiplash?  Try living it- oh wait most have you have/do! So all’s good because you already own a neck brace.

So after my post yesterday, thanks once again for the outpouring of support.  Not one comment in the nature of “ Seriously Wilma, how many times to we have to tell you – give yourself and Barney time!”.   Such a great community here.

Right back to the lifting fog.  How to properly explain this with out giving too much away? Before I start, I feel I must put a disclaimer out there in case my words seem to have an accusatory tone.  Facts are facts, we, Barney and I know where we came from, and how sometimes issues of the past are apparently going to affect our future, as much as we would like to keep the past in the past.  I am well aware that the issues I am going to allude to in this post had two partners that caused the reaction.  That me ‘taking control’ of situations, even ones that I didn’t want to, contributed to Barney’s reactions, or lack there of.  However, seeing how we are discussing MY emotional reaction to something, this post may appear a little one sided.

So as most of you know, this week as been a little submissively challenging for me.  It was odd, I knew what I wanted to be, how I wanted to be  and yet I wasn’t.  It actually didn’t feel good.  Unlike what others have expressed, it wasn’t like there was a longing to claw back my control.  It wasn’t even like I reverted back to second nature.  I think that is why I was so confused?  If you are NOT being submissive, yet you want to, and it feels all wrong, and you can’t even use hormones as an excuse—what gives Wilma?

I (might have mentioned before)  love creating Halloween Costumes, cooking and creating gifts for others.   All of which were on my things to do this week.  My daily list was considerably shortened, at Barney’s insistence, so I could do all these things.  The odd thing was, I had a pit in my stomach the entire time doing these things that I loved.  I took out my uncertainy on Barney when he came home.  I transformed into Jack Frost who has a side job in construction- yup you guessed it building walls.  I literally ran away once too, under the guise that I needed things- which I did but I could have easily walked to get them during the day, thus killing two birds with one stone, striking exercise off of my list too.

I initially thought that this issue in submission was due to his lack of response. I realized last night that this is not how the week started out, as there was NO reason for reaction from Barney, because everything was ‘in place”.  I have remarked more than once that doing ttwd before Barney was on board,  just me seemed easier- clearer on what submission should be.  I think I found a way to explain why that is.  I’ll share a bit of the note I left Barney yesterday- ( what,you did realize there was a letter in Barney’s future yesterday after you read my post didn’t you?  Shame on you if you didn’t.  Actually, I would have talked out this issue with him but the kids were around so this seemed to be the better solution until we could talk in private)

"I still don’t understand, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that when I was doing ttwd on my own, before I let you in on my little secret I felt more free, and submissive than I do now. 

I suppose it is like throwing a ball against a wall, you can aim it so it comes back to you every time.  Once you have a partner to throw it to you instead, it becomes much more challenging.  Sometimes you can catch the ball several times in a row, other times you are running for it and still miss.  You then begin to question the thrower’s ability to throw the ball, not so much your ability to catch.  I mean you were doing that fine on your own, right?"

I have to skip ahead to my AH HA moment .  I know I should really use epiphany, but that sounds like a spiritual enlightenment to me, and this moment was more of a knock upside the head.

After I read a post from someone the other day, I was affected.  Not in the way I normally would be.  I wasn’t bothered, or jealous, I suppose sad- not for the poster for me?  That didn’t seem quite right.  That emotion was there, but that wasn’t the strongest emotion I felt.  I just couldn’t pin point it.  There is no way this beautiful post ( at least that is how felt it was) should affect me.  Every comment that came in from this post had me in tears.  WHY?   The pit that started out in my stomach grew larger and larger- heavier and heavier.  This reaction made absolutely no sense to me what so ever. 

I thought if I wrote my post yesterday it would help.  It did somewhat-like taking something for a headache.  It took some of the ‘pain’ away but the dull ache was still there.  WTHeck Wilma?

Off to doing my duties in the kitchen for dinner, with a house full of hungry boys mulling around. It was there and then that I was hit with my AH HA moment.  I literally grabbed the counter when it hit-  ( seriously I am like a character in a B rated movie…or maybe a direct to video release).  Now I know this is where I COULD cut it short and tell you my revelation, but how Wilma like would THAT be?  ( Go grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable).

We have already established that in the past, for whatever reason, I have taken care of thing-. This included all things Wilma, even though I didn’t always want to.  This means defending myself from others.  I’ve introduced you to Gazoo ( see Gobble Gobble post if you need a reminder).  For years now, he has on occasion, went full out attack mode on me, ( many people have their theories, which I don’t even like to think about).  On the odd occasion he has accused me of some really heinous things- laughable really. Only I didn’t find them funny.  Barney’s reaction has always been,

 What?...Well that is just Gazoo being Gazoo. “

Eventually he added this to the end of the chorus, “ If it happens again, I’ll go talk to him”
Normally I deal with it.  I am so used to it now, that  is unless he goes WAY out there. I usually just take it all in stride ( if you consider throwing a rock at him in stride).

The real ‘issue’ came about a year and a half ago, when people who are family to us, had a falling out with us.  Well not exactly all of us.  The very dominant husband and Wilma had a falling out.  I’ll try not to bore you with too many details, but this man and I were very tight.  I was walls down Wilma with him.  He knew me better than I was willing  to let myself to know me.  When the four of us were together I felt so light and free.  I was with three other people that I felt didn’t judge me, I could be myself…even be the ‘little devil’ as his wife describes me as. I was and life was great.  You know the saying , “ Dance like nobody’s watching”  it was always like that with them. The falling out was so unbelievable hurtful.  I literally mourned.  For six months, no exaggeration, it was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night.  I cried so much ( I know I said I hardly cried before Dd, and that is true but this was something else).   
 The wife, myself and her ‘adult’ children kept in contact for a while, but it was difficult when one member wouldn’t budge. Eventually these ties were severed too.  While I was away one weekend, Barney was over there for dinner.  Blah, blah, blah…we ended up having words.  We are not huge fighters, we really aren’t ( I smolder, and not in the sexy red stilettos kind of way) but this is as close to a fight as we have ever had.  I felt betrayed. I mean his wife ended up severing ties with me when it looked like there was no hope in sight.  How could he go and have fun with the people _I_ so desperately wanted to be with!  How could he not see how much that might hurt me?  BTW he didn’t even TELL me he was there, I found out through other people a week later…Right or wrong in my feelings, I was expressing them to him.  His words

“ This is your problem, your’s and Dan’s.  I am not getting in the middle.  This is your fight, you deal with it”.

So ( phew I know) this is what hit me in the kitchen yesterday.  My fight.  Not his problem.  I must deal with it.

 Together Barney and I have described this journey and emotions that come along with it like an onion, and it has many layers that have to be peeled back.  Unfortunately, as with onions, there is a great deal of tears.  I have also noticed that an emotional storm seems to precede the layer peeling back process.  So this layer was peeled back and there in front of it stood a HUGE wall.  A wall I truthfully knew was there, but the conversation between Barney and I  I describe above had turned so ugly, I didn’t want to think about it ever again.  I wanted to run and never look back that night.  If it wasn’t for the boys I may very well have. 

Here I was standing in my kitchen grasping at the counter, starring at this emotional road block.  The boys were flitting around.  Yet, I felt relief.  I knew what the issue was and what caused it.   I also had a name to give the emotional pit in my stomach…FEAR.

What if I break through this wall and I need help ?  What if he tells me it ( whatever it will be in the future) is my fight?  Not his?

Alright now I know the issue time to discuss with Barney, insert letter and discussion..

Once again the discussion was  not pretty, but necessary.  There were still so many emotions floating around about the original incident, as well as how I was feeling now.
 Barney uttered phrases like
“ That will NEVER happen again”
“ I guarantee if that incident “  (which led to the severed ties) “ happened now, I would handle it so differently”
 “ I’m sorry, I wish I would have handled it differently.  I know that I have to earn that trust back from you.  I understand why you would feel scared.  Hopefully as time goes on, and ttwd moves forward you’ll trust me more on this”

I feel like I should state again, I DID contribute in my past attitude that Barney felt he didn’t need to step in at the time.

So all very nice and good for you Wilma, but how does this LONG explanation have anything to do with your attitude at the beginning of the week?  Well, the couple I was talking to you about was Dan and Rosanne ( mentioned in Monday’s post).  We have reconciled recently.  It is different, not as strong in some ways, our relationship, but the love is still very much there.  It took a death of a family member to bring us back to our senses.  Although we still desperately disagree about the night that things fell apart…Get this Distancing Dixie was very present that night, and he has called me up on the carpet for being disrespectful-  I know!  We aren’t even married! Lol.  Anyway, I don’t actually see THAT happening again.  For one thing Barney said he wouldn’t have let me walk away from Dan like I did that night, and he wouldn’t allow Dan to carry on that way either.  Sheesh Dd is invading everything..*wink*

Oh yeah back on target, what does this have to do with anything?  We are off to a Halloween party at Roseanne and Dan’s this weekend.  I suppose all my fears and insecurities manifested themselves in my person as I prepared my costumes and other things for their party.  I actually KNOW this to be true, because once I talked this out with Barney…those feelings -gone. 

I am back to light hearted, willingly submissive Wilma.  I don’t think I’ll ever have to attempt bungee jumping, my Dd experience is jolting me around enough.

BTW. After we hashed out what was going on inside of me.  Barney had this to say-  That may behaviour this week was unacceptable.  That he didn’t want to bring it up in front of the boys and that he tried to visually get my attention, ( I was eye diverting) . He went on to say that he wanted to choose his words carefully when he talked to me about this week, because he is so new to this- that is why he hasn’t mentioned anything to me, but he has most DEFINITELY noticed.  YIKES

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Same Old Song from Wilma

 I wasn’t sure if this post was ever going to see the light of day again once I finished, and I’m not sure it SHOULD have.  However, in the interest of full self disclosure, and perhaps opening myself up to encouragement and criticism I decided to post it.  Maybe some other  newbie out there will find comfort in the fact that they are not alone, if they should have the misfortune of questioning themselves…AGAIN!

The thing that irks me most about my posts like this, I am honestly an eternal optimist-  I really am.
******************************* So here goes nothing****************************

For whatever reason, at the risk of sounding like a whiney baby, I have returned to the old “C”.  Pretty much that is it in a nutshell.  I feel almost completely frozen inside.  How can this happen just 4 days after feeling so good about everything ?  Maybe 4 days ago was what I wanted to see and it didn’t exist?  Maybe I need to write down my goings on to gain perspective again.  I choose the latter in hope.

My mind is purposely pushing me in an area.  A reoccurring question.  I cannot for the life of me fathom why it is asking such a dark question.  Perhaps so I will eventually scream YES !  Yes you are happy you took the bus!  For the moment I am indifferent..

Twenty-two years ago, I decided to get on a bus with a friend of mine to keep her company while she travelled to her destination.  The destination, and the ‘trip’ were not exciting.  The trip was merely a 45 minute ride through the city.  I had never been to this part of town before. She was heading there with a purpose, I was along for the ride. 

On the grand scale of things, this bus ride changed my life.  Events that took place after reaching our destination brought me, eventually to where I am right now.  Not the emotional stuff I am dealing with currently, but my ‘lot in life’ if you will.

So the question, the hideously dark question my mind keeps pushing an answer for:  Are you happy you got on the bus that January day 22 years ago ? Well the quick answer should be yes!  That bus ride is responsible for my husband- MY CHILDREN for crying out loud !  It allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people.  People that although I don’t see them as often as I would like, I love with all my heart.  So why is my mind pushing me to answer that question? The short answer, I don’t know.

Before ttwd, I was a person who was reflective- no not shiny at night!  Now I am more so.  I know this is  a reoccurring theme in women who are in Dd relationship.  Looking inside to find answers and ways to grow.. Now the answers and questions  seem to come with emotion attached- some many at times it is confusing. 

I know my post sound like an LP skipping.  I wish I could just pick up the needle and move on to the next song already. ( And I also know that I could very well be using a reference that some of you have NO clue what I am talking about!) J 

There is a realization, at least for the moment, that we/ I am back to the old me.  Wilma in charge.  Got to get ‘er done.  I can handle it.  Step aside before you get run over.

 Yes, I do have to get ‘er done.  Yes I can handle it, but it is HOW I am handling it that is clearly becoming the issue.

Barney has been kind. He always is.  He’s been asking lots of questions.  My answers are short and to the point ( not typical Wilma over the top- Explaining with hand gestures).  He is like a dog approaching a coiled snake, curious, but not too close. 

 The sudden, curt, movement of the snake sends the dog away, tail somewhat down.  Of course!  I have my defensive walls, why shouldn’t he have his right?

I’ve been told both by Barney and others two steps forward, one step back.  Cat even went so far as to say  Dd is a dance.  I feel like I am watching an advanced class at a recital. Sure there are missed steps here and there, but at the end of their routine things still look pretty darn good, and the missed steps are long forgotten.  Realistically the missed steps by the dancers are most likely acknowledged by them but to the rest of us, it was worth the price of admission.

It is not fair to either myself, Barney or anyone else to compare themselves to the advanced or  even intermediate classes. Sometimes it is difficult not to -which further compounds the issue now doesn’t it?

What I want of this.  To feel cherished and loved.  To feel worthy of that.  To feel protected.  Barney wants to show that he cherishes and loves me.  To feel worthy of my submission, and his leadership.  He wants to feel like I need him to protect me. 

So this brings us back to the age old question.  The reoccurring ‘rant’/ whine of my posts.  How do we do it?  Time, I realize is the factor.  I must also figure a way to turn to him, as opposed to running from him.  It is so difficult to break the habit of running when you are a lifetime marathoner.  I suppose I am lost at how to be emotionally  submissive.  I can go through the motions of outward submissiveness, but is that enough to bring the HoH tendency out of Barney?  How come at the beginning before he was ‘in on’ ttwd, we were closer?  Is it the pressure of becoming an HoH that has him retreating and me feeling back to my old self ?  Leading us back to our old ways?  It is because it is easier to revert back? –because I’ve got to tell you, this reverting back doesn’t FEEL easier.  It doesn’t FEEL right.  It FEELS heavy!

As for the bus question ?  I know what the answer is.  Unfortunately the emotion and conviction  that goes along with the answer is buried under some debris at the moment.  Debris I suppose only I can figure out how to move.

Thus ends another release of Wilma’s Whiney Hits.  Hopfully I’ll get my mind wrapped around this sooner or later.

Brilliant (Trying to Post again!)

Well 5th attempt is a charm!  Stupid BLOG! 

Anyway, I know at least one of you is a self professed, um frugal woman, so this is especially for you :).  Hopefully the rest of you will enjoy them too.  Some of them are pretty cool!


Wilma update:  Meh. Going through the motions.  Not 'feelin' it. Defiant Debbie has stayed at bay, but I feel a new personality in there-> Distancing Dixie.  Yeah, she's always been there, she's just been upgraded with a name.  Trying desperately to ditch Dixie.  For whatever reason, a storm front in movin' in, trying very hard to reroute it-but you know how unpredictable the weather is.  I'm really hoping the storm is not going to turn into Hurricane Wilma!  Unfortunately the cold front has already settled in.

Alright, enough negativity!  On with the coolness....

Yeah, I'd still get water all over the floor.

Really?  Flip flops are a buck tops. Imagine the sound walking, flip,flop, tap.

Seems like a waste of a good snack food, but I suppose if you are cold.

So like that is an interesting colour for ? meat?

A less bulky solution, spray your fly with hairspray.  It really does work, for a while anyway.

OMG the frustration at my house this would cause with all the Man eyes!

And we are set to garnish our Frozen Strawberry Daquiries

Not that I am promoting disobedience, but how handy would this be to keep your computer silent in the middle of the night when you power up?

The first 2 labels made me laugh.  Sure wouldn't want to unplug the first one, and the second?  Well I guess it depends who it is attached to.

I've done this a couple of times for kids birthday parties.  Put the cones in muffin tins to bake.  Then let them decorate their own icecream