Monday, October 1, 2012

Finding the Words. Trying to explain it to myself first

From Wiki :Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives the environment to be difficult or embarrassing to escape. These situations include, but are not limited to, wide-open spaces, as well as uncontrollable social situations such as may be met in shopping malls, airports, and on bridges. Agoraphobia is defined within the DSM-IV TR as a subset of panic disorder, involving the fear of incurring a panic attack in those environments.[1] The sufferer may go to great lengths to avoid those situations, in severe cases becoming unable to leave their home or safe haven.

 I think this definition is a fairly accurate description of me.  Well actually not me, but my emotions. Well I guess that is me.  I am a very emotional creature.  But like one of those burps that  brings bile up into your mouth, ( you are so welcome for the visual), I swallow my emotions down.  Sometimes, especially if the emotion is hurt, not only do I try to shove the emotion down, I try to throw it behind a  wall I have been building.  Sometimes the wall sections are made of hard bricks, other times sugar cubes that can be melted.  I know this is a common characteristic of women from sites I have visited discussing DD.

  Unfortunately, I also do this with happy emotions too.  Well sort of. I am a HUGE happy crier.  I very rarely cry when I am sad.  I always found this to be really quite odd. I did until a friend of mine explained it to me like this: " You lost your Dad, ( when I was just out of my teens) and you have never experienced anything so painful before, or since, ( thank God, knock on wood, and all that stuff). Crying for things you find sad, well they just aren't  sad compared to that pain."   I cry for relief, like after my friend BEAT cancer- but not when she originally told me she had cancer.  I visualize myself and my emotions as a train on a track.  When I am about to be overcome with my emotions, I pull  the switch-rail track lever and the train continues  to emotion-free town.  Only what happens to those emotions? What indeed. I still seem to feel them swirling around in there. 

  I have mental OCD, ( self diagnosed, of course)-meaning that if I know something is coming up, say Thanksgiving for an example, I mentally have to have every detail planned out in my head.  This means right down to which utensil will be used for which side dish. Now this really isn't a problem in the example situation, because I've been doing Thanksgiving for over 16 years, but you get the idea.  I can't relax.  I internally live on the edge.  God help me if I get woken up during the middle of the night.  My mind starts to race and I can't stop;the kids in school, finances,my Mom's health,the kids futures ~  Me...

  Back to my emotions.  I used to laugh whole heartily.  Cry, buckets, sobbing.  When I was younger, less guarded, I'd tear up even when I was having a serious discussion.  Not entirely sure why, but my father used to tell me I was just like his mother that way...Oh you IRISH!  So I learned to suppress.  But guarded somewhere along the way became hardened. Or at least I perceive that is how I come across.  My husband would beg to differ.  But I know I am not ME outside like I am inside. I can still see her on a clear day.

  Insert DD.  We aren't living the life yet, but as suggested I am.  Already I feel the bricks changing to sugar cubes.  Some even melting.

 I feel I am bossy, and controlling, (but typical, non-committal me, not entirely controlling-only when it benefits me).  I don't like this 'girl' .  I never have.  I always thought I should have been born half a century earlier than I was. I've always wanted to have the job I have.  Seriously.  I am fulfilled staying at home and being called Martha Stewart by my friends/family.  But lately I am even pulling away from that.  I seem to be shutting down, or rather shutting out.

  Something has got to give.  I need, literally a kick in the pants.  I know, careful what you wish for.  I need to feel feminine.  I need to let loose, so my laughter hits my eyes again.  I need to feel comfortable to lean on others not be a person who's 'got this'.  I need to not be afraid to be vulnerable again.  I need to find the words to express this to my husband.



  1. What a beautiful post, Wilma - this is going to be hard,I knew you first as C... ;)
    Sweetie, when you characterize yourself as agoraphobic, does that mean you are afraid to leave your home? Or are you merely uncomfortable when out? Sorry, I just don't know too much about it.....
    I understand what you are saying about the change in your emotional self as you have grown a little older. I think I got more controlling, less emotional as I aged, well - I know I have.
    That is how I felt, too, Wilma. There was this woman on the inside that I could still feel now and then, and I wanted to let go of the anger at Ian that I had been struggling with and allow, as you say BEAUTIFULLY to let my vulnerability show.
    You express yourself very, very well.
    I look forward to reading here and I am so happy you decided to start a blog :D

  2. I express myself very, very well? That is very high praise coming from you! And you can still call me C. lol
    What I actually meant by my agoraphobic comment, although I never got back around to it- kids coming home from school and all, is that I feel like I am agoraphobic with my emotions, if you will. I am afraid to let them escape, because they are intense. That much I can certainly remember. HUGE crier. Got so good at pretending to yawn in public places, when my eyes watered up to cover up.
    I am slow to anger, but then I am white hot! Fortunately, I am more like a firework with a long fuse. Lots of explosion, then nothing. Not great if the explosion is directed at you though.
    It gets to be crippling in the sense that I go quiet. I am a VERY observant person, who not only listens but remembers. This can be dangerous in a situation where I am angered. So silence has usually become my 'safe haven'.

  3. Hmmmm, very interesting post, Wilma. I agree with Lillie, you do express yourself very well. I can relate to a lot of things you said. I learned at a very young age to hide behind *walls*, it was much safer that way. While they may protect you, they also close you off from your own emotions and they become your prison. I have to say DD has gone a long, long ways in tearing down those walls. I know you'll find the words and you'll know when the time is right to discuss it with Barney.

  4. Thanks Cowgirl. Today is a day where I will definitely need as much encouragement as possible. I finished my 'presentation/information package' LOL That is SO ME. Anyway now I just have to muster up the courage to hand it over. It is quite a lengthy presentation. I would really just like drop it on his lap late tonight, and then go run and hide under the covers until- well perhaps indefinately !

  5. Wow! And you say you're not a writer?

    I'm catching up from the beginning, Wilma. You're off to a great start.

  6. Thanks Kevan! I guess I got it right at least on ONE post. LOL.
    Funny you know, whenever someone I have been reading for a long time stops by and leaves a comment, I blush. It is like a celebrity has taken an interest. LM-O!

    1. I was like that too. A few offline e-mails, and it starts to feel more like you're all just people. There are no real celebrities here! far as we know...