Before I begin, I really must thank each and every one of you for your encouraging comments and wonderful, caring emails. It means more than you will every know- well I guess most have you have been 'there' so you do know how an internet caress can warm your soul even when you are in such a dark place. J
Yesterday, for various reasons, some of which I have expanded upon, and some I have not, the ‘promised spanking’ from Saturday did not occur. Was I disappointed? Yes but not because I actually wanted my butt set on fire, but because I thought this would be a giant step closer to our Dd relationship. I, by no means thought that we would just be skipping along into full fledged Dd after it, that is for sure. Was I surprised that it didn’t happen, not really.
After my post yesterday, after the cloud of sadness settled over me, something else happened. Something I am not proud of, and I am not even sure how it happened. Barney and I were discussing, well I’m not even sure if discussing is the correct term here-anyway I felt he was portraying an attitude of ‘ Well tomorrow’s another day…..”
I actually lost it! Even Defiant Debbie went into hiding! Insert Wilmazilla Dragon Lady! I apologize once again for those who read this in private emails, but here goes- I stomped out of the room, ( for the record, as an adult I have NEVER done that), I ‘placed’ things down NOT so gently. I scoured the kitchen ( okay, well that is not such a bad thing): I slammed doors. I made excuses to go into which ever room Barney was in to pick a fight. I won’t go on, but trust me I did go on, and on and ON ! I have no flippin’ idea who this woman was, but if I never see her again it will be too soon.
I pushed, Barney for the initial part remained calm. I expressed that I thought it was cruel and unfair to say he was going to act 2 days before, hint at it throughout the weekend and then circumvent the situation, ( there was also something that couldn’t be helped that stopped yesterday from progressing) so it didn’t come into play. He apologized. That should have been the end of it. Only I wouldn’t let it go? WTFrig?
As time went on, Barney tried to subdue the situation. He became HoH. He stepped up! I, as I said to others, STEPPED over. Talk about sending mixed signals Wilma! I in short was horrible. Sure I was disappointed, but I wouldn’t treat a stranger like that, why did I feel it was alright to treat the man I love that way?
I retreated to our bedroom for HOURS. Seriously hours. I lay there and let the tears fall on and off. I read blogs. I didn’t sob like I did a few weeks ago, but there was such an anger in me. I didn’t know why, and I still don’t now. Perhaps it was protecting me from the hurt?
I read a quote from a prayer that had been reblogged several times. I am not sure if this is the direct quote, but for my purpose it is close enough
“ Allow me to be an asset to Him, not a hindrance “
Well that started the tears to fall. I looked at my actions, heard my words of the day. I heard Barney’s aswell. I was most definitely not an asset today I thought. I felt I had failed him, my boys, our journey, our marriage-myself. Do I still feel that way today? Well I’m not proud of myself, that is for sure. Unlike other ‘meltdowns’ I have had recently, I couldn’t find the value in this one. How it would make us stronger on the other side? I could only see the damage I created in its wake.
So for the first time in a long time I prayed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m Catholic, born and bred. I’ve prayed,
( Hmmm? side note here, I wonder if Barney will consider Mass as part of my excercise routine- there is a great deal of standing, to sitting, to kneeling?)
I say a simple prayer every night before going to bed, “ Thank you God for another day”. But I never pray for myself- well outside of silly things like, Oh God don’t let me drop this…not really a prayer. I too, believe that you should never pray for a specific outcome. So my prayer yesterday ?-
“ Please help me see the answers even though I have no idea what the question is”
Hey- I figure HE created me, He knows how my mind works or doesn’t, perhaps He’ll understand the prayer, because I certainly didn’t.
For the rest of the day/night I was continually drawn back to the two trees outside my bedroom window blowing in the wind. It was most surreal to be honest. I was mesmerized by them.
The one tree is a maple, a sugar maple I believe. It began to grow the first summer we moved in to our home, just beyond our backyard. It came from a maple key, not a sapling we bought. I cultivated that tree for many years, protected it- even asked Barney to expand our garden’s retaining wall around that tree to protect it in its early years. The tree is now as tall as our house. It is a beautiful tree, but it is not that strong. It has lost limbs in storms. It has a huge crack down it’s trunk from one such incident. The tree is almost naked now due to the time of year. I watched as one leaf flapped in the wind. I was cheering for it to hang on. I then realized that it needed to fall. That was the cycle for this tree. In order for it to complete its change for the next season, no leaves should be on the tree because the branches aren’t designed to hold the leaves and the snow. It needs to be naked to winter the winter. But even naked, the tree holds a different kind of beauty. You can see its lacy branches swaying in the breeze. In some ways it is way more interesting to look at without its leaves.
The second tree, is perhaps one of my favourite trees. It is a huge, majestic, red pine. My neighbour can’t stand it because it drops needles in the summer, and can kill the grass if you don’t rake away the dead fall. I LOVE it. I love the smell of the dead needles when the summer sun heats them up. I told my neighbour that if she was going to figure out a way for the city to cut it down, I would chain myself to it. I meant every word! This tree remains constant, yet in every season there is a different reason to love it. In the summer my boys have spent many hours climbing it, ( okay, I don’t love the sap that gets on their clothes,but that has never once made me tell them to get down). In the fall when the dew gets heavier or the frost hits, in the early morning it looks like Tinkerbell has sprinkled her fairy dust on it. And in the winter! –when all the memories of the beautiful maple leaves of the fall have left everyone’s mind, there the red pine stands strong, proudly holding mountains of snow on its bows. Looking every bit like a Christmas card.
The contrast between the two trees in the full moonlight last night was startling. I actually wouldn’t have been able to see the full beauty of my lacy maple, if the red pine was not situated behind it. The maple wildly blew in the breeze, creaking as it did. I kept thinking how I was happy not to be near it as a whip from a maple branch really stings. The red pine swayed, almost danced in the wind. Its main branches are strong, but the smaller branches that holds the needles are finer. When you pull back the branches of a red pine, they do strike, but there really isn't a sting to it. They are designed to sway and outstand any storm, regardless of the season.
So it obviously don’t take a genius to see that these two trees I was drawn to last night, two trees that have been together almost as long as Barney and I, represented us. OR it doesn’t take a genius to know that I spent more time standing next to the guy at the party Saturday night self medicating for his glaucoma than I should have!
So that was the answer I sought out to the question I didn’t know I was asking? Who knows. It did make me ponder. Make me feel a little better. It finally gave me the ability to sleep.
Before my moonlight reflection of the trees, Barney had come to find me around 3 am. I was ironing due to the fact that I couldn’t sleep. He thought I was ironing because I was concerned that the power was going to go out. LOL. I’m not that good of a submissive! He came to apologize. I felt awful. I felt I wasn’t deserving of his apology. I told him perhaps he wasn’t’ ready, and that was okay.
This morning he was ready! Yup. It happened. His reason was for the way I haven’t been taking care of myself which is part of our rules. Not because of yesterday, or Friday’s disrespect. I kind of figured he would find a way for it to be about me, more than him. ( So did anyone have that in the pool?)
He left nothing to chance today. He took action within half an hour of the last kid to leave for school I actually have some slight bruising to show for it, much to Barney’s dismay. I kind of figure that would happen, due to the technique applied, and because any part of me that is not tanned, is WHITE!!! I bruise quite easily. I bruise easily and have a high tolerance to pain, so yeah…Anyway, I’m not upset about it. He’s coming to grips. I don’t think he is horrified by it. In fact later in the morning while I was getting dressed for the 3 time ( ahem!) he was across the room looking at me, I said,
“You know, it really isn’t that bad. I mean I can feel it, and there are a few welts, but its okay”
“ You have a really nice butt”
I burst out laughing!
“What?I like your butt! I always have”
Yeah, he’s coming to grips alright!
We talked about it after. About how perhaps things could change regarding it<- just shoot me now- spanking tips given by the spankee to the spanker…like I’m not going to regret that one!
We also talked about other ways to show dominance. My biggest desire, NON sexual touching. I mean don’t get me wrong, the other is nice too, but he’s mastered that one in the past month, trust me!
So Cowgirl, if you have had a stolen minute to yourself and are lurking around, you can show me that secret handshake now!