I wasn't going to 'blog' today, ( what a funny little 'verb' when you think about it). I was going to step back for a few days. Writing my thoughts down, however, does seem to be somewhat of an excellent form of therapy, as most have said. In addition, a great deal of dd blogs start few months after their dd journey begins, (which I can understand now) but for those lurkers out there, who eventually find the courage to start dd, maybe reading my mental/emotional turmoil will help in the future? lol
Last night I decided to take every one's advice and turn to Barney. Well I sort of half turned- Or maybe looked over my shoulder. I tried but I wasn't able to 'run to him' that's for sure. I asked if he would rub my back. For the record, I had stopped asking for a back messages, because it basically consisted of running his hands down my back and then HELLO ! A difference of opinion I suppose :) . Anyway I initiated the conversation while my back and only my back was being rubbed. It mostly went like this ":
W- " So how was your day" ( keep in mind we were together all day)
B- " It was a beautiful day out"
( mental sigh, sigh, sigh and double sigh!)
W- " That is not what I asked."
--At which point I would have to say, despite having my back rubbed in a most relaxing way, I felt anything but relaxed. I am not entirely sure what I expected him to say, but I knew I didn't want to be the one asking the questions. Hey, I'm not pretending I am being fair here.
B- " Well, everyone seemed a bit tired and grumpy. But I guess I can understand that"
( sigh, sigh,- can't even be bothered to sigh again)
W- " You know now that you don't have to put up with that"
B- " Well when people are tired they can get grumpy"
( like your wife is AGAIN- realizing I am in the wrong, but can't help it)
I should have went on, again, to explain that much like we expect from the kids- it is not what you say, so much as it how you say it. That he should expect the same from me, as he does from everyone else. That even if he is tired, he rarely speaks to us like that, if ever, to be honest. Unfortunately, I was getting too tired to bother.
Back rubbing changed to bum squeezing. Not sure if that was in direct relation to what we were talking about, or if he just wanted....
Anyway, lets just say, that some of the tension was managed to be released.
Last night I managed to get 6 full hours of sleep !!! YAY ME! ( and realistically you should say phew !- for poor Barney)
This morning he began reading, including my blog post yesterday. He didn't really say much. He did get quite a chuckle at the fact that our friend is now Gazoo in Blog Land. He mentioned he could see the how interruptions could throw a wrench in things. He didn't comment, yet , on what I said about how I felt. Time will tell I guess. He's not a huge talker. You kind of have to drag things out of him. I am really hoping this form of torturous communication won't last forever. I could see myself becoming resentful if that is the case. I suppose there is not need to know every little detail is there? This is a control freak area of my life that definitely needs to be curbed.
After the kids left for school, with very little prodding from me, it was decided to experiment with household implements. Not sure if any of you read my comment on Lucy's Lunacy blog but it basically went like this :
Implement testing to find a quiet one, and apparently, ( although I didn't know this was on the agenda) one that is quick and efficient.( -I went on to mention to her to)- Buy a coat rack, sticky hooks, hooks that go over the door, hooks that you screw into the wall, anything you can think of to hang things up in your house. GET RID OF ALL CLOTHES HANGERS !
Barney only tried a plastic one, but out of all the implements he tried today, (I'd say 5 or so) the freakin' hanger was the only one to have my feet kick back at one swat. He of course, was impressed with the efficiency of it !
So today, thankfully I am no longer grumpy. I am still exhausted, but hopefully by tomorrow I'll be all caught up. Stupid hormones! I have to say that Barney is trying. Well trying when GIVEN the tools, but that is still something. I shall learn to appreciate the effort. Besides, I have no idea what is going on in his head. I know he what he wants our relationship to be like. I just have to figure out what to give him, or how to give it to him, to help insure he feels comfortable in his new shoes. Or perhaps I have to learn to step back- which is probably the case. I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and ask.- Apparently though, I have to work on my asking not telling skills. lol