Thursday, October 25, 2012

Realization,Explanation, Wilma style-So Get Comfortable!

 Alright, well back to ‘normal’ around here.. Did I give you whiplash?  Try living it- oh wait most have you have/do! So all’s good because you already own a neck brace.


So after my post yesterday, thanks once again for the outpouring of support.  Not one comment in the nature of “ Seriously Wilma, how many times to we have to tell you – give yourself and Barney time!”.   Such a great community here.

Right back to the lifting fog.  How to properly explain this with out giving too much away? Before I start, I feel I must put a disclaimer out there in case my words seem to have an accusatory tone.  Facts are facts, we, Barney and I know where we came from, and how sometimes issues of the past are apparently going to affect our future, as much as we would like to keep the past in the past.  I am well aware that the issues I am going to allude to in this post had two partners that caused the reaction.  That me ‘taking control’ of situations, even ones that I didn’t want to, contributed to Barney’s reactions, or lack there of.  However, seeing how we are discussing MY emotional reaction to something, this post may appear a little one sided.

So as most of you know, this week as been a little submissively challenging for me.  It was odd, I knew what I wanted to be, how I wanted to be  and yet I wasn’t.  It actually didn’t feel good.  Unlike what others have expressed, it wasn’t like there was a longing to claw back my control.  It wasn’t even like I reverted back to second nature.  I think that is why I was so confused?  If you are NOT being submissive, yet you want to, and it feels all wrong, and you can’t even use hormones as an excuse—what gives Wilma?

I (might have mentioned before)  love creating Halloween Costumes, cooking and creating gifts for others.   All of which were on my things to do this week.  My daily list was considerably shortened, at Barney’s insistence, so I could do all these things.  The odd thing was, I had a pit in my stomach the entire time doing these things that I loved.  I took out my uncertainy on Barney when he came home.  I transformed into Jack Frost who has a side job in construction- yup you guessed it building walls.  I literally ran away once too, under the guise that I needed things- which I did but I could have easily walked to get them during the day, thus killing two birds with one stone, striking exercise off of my list too.

I initially thought that this issue in submission was due to his lack of response. I realized last night that this is not how the week started out, as there was NO reason for reaction from Barney, because everything was ‘in place”.  I have remarked more than once that doing ttwd before Barney was on board,  just me seemed easier- clearer on what submission should be.  I think I found a way to explain why that is.  I’ll share a bit of the note I left Barney yesterday- ( what,you did realize there was a letter in Barney’s future yesterday after you read my post didn’t you?  Shame on you if you didn’t.  Actually, I would have talked out this issue with him but the kids were around so this seemed to be the better solution until we could talk in private)

"I still don’t understand, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that when I was doing ttwd on my own, before I let you in on my little secret I felt more free, and submissive than I do now. 

I suppose it is like throwing a ball against a wall, you can aim it so it comes back to you every time.  Once you have a partner to throw it to you instead, it becomes much more challenging.  Sometimes you can catch the ball several times in a row, other times you are running for it and still miss.  You then begin to question the thrower’s ability to throw the ball, not so much your ability to catch.  I mean you were doing that fine on your own, right?"

I have to skip ahead to my AH HA moment .  I know I should really use epiphany, but that sounds like a spiritual enlightenment to me, and this moment was more of a knock upside the head.

After I read a post from someone the other day, I was affected.  Not in the way I normally would be.  I wasn’t bothered, or jealous, I suppose sad- not for the poster for me?  That didn’t seem quite right.  That emotion was there, but that wasn’t the strongest emotion I felt.  I just couldn’t pin point it.  There is no way this beautiful post ( at least that is how felt it was) should affect me.  Every comment that came in from this post had me in tears.  WHY?   The pit that started out in my stomach grew larger and larger- heavier and heavier.  This reaction made absolutely no sense to me what so ever. 

I thought if I wrote my post yesterday it would help.  It did somewhat-like taking something for a headache.  It took some of the ‘pain’ away but the dull ache was still there.  WTHeck Wilma?

Off to doing my duties in the kitchen for dinner, with a house full of hungry boys mulling around. It was there and then that I was hit with my AH HA moment.  I literally grabbed the counter when it hit-  ( seriously I am like a character in a B rated movie…or maybe a direct to video release).  Now I know this is where I COULD cut it short and tell you my revelation, but how Wilma like would THAT be?  ( Go grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable).

We have already established that in the past, for whatever reason, I have taken care of thing-. This included all things Wilma, even though I didn’t always want to.  This means defending myself from others.  I’ve introduced you to Gazoo ( see Gobble Gobble post if you need a reminder).  For years now, he has on occasion, went full out attack mode on me, ( many people have their theories, which I don’t even like to think about).  On the odd occasion he has accused me of some really heinous things- laughable really. Only I didn’t find them funny.  Barney’s reaction has always been,

 What?...Well that is just Gazoo being Gazoo. “

Eventually he added this to the end of the chorus, “ If it happens again, I’ll go talk to him”
Normally I deal with it.  I am so used to it now, that  is unless he goes WAY out there. I usually just take it all in stride ( if you consider throwing a rock at him in stride).

The real ‘issue’ came about a year and a half ago, when people who are family to us, had a falling out with us.  Well not exactly all of us.  The very dominant husband and Wilma had a falling out.  I’ll try not to bore you with too many details, but this man and I were very tight.  I was walls down Wilma with him.  He knew me better than I was willing  to let myself to know me.  When the four of us were together I felt so light and free.  I was with three other people that I felt didn’t judge me, I could be myself…even be the ‘little devil’ as his wife describes me as. I was and life was great.  You know the saying , “ Dance like nobody’s watching”  it was always like that with them. The falling out was so unbelievable hurtful.  I literally mourned.  For six months, no exaggeration, it was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night.  I cried so much ( I know I said I hardly cried before Dd, and that is true but this was something else).   
 The wife, myself and her ‘adult’ children kept in contact for a while, but it was difficult when one member wouldn’t budge. Eventually these ties were severed too.  While I was away one weekend, Barney was over there for dinner.  Blah, blah, blah…we ended up having words.  We are not huge fighters, we really aren’t ( I smolder, and not in the sexy red stilettos kind of way) but this is as close to a fight as we have ever had.  I felt betrayed. I mean his wife ended up severing ties with me when it looked like there was no hope in sight.  How could he go and have fun with the people _I_ so desperately wanted to be with!  How could he not see how much that might hurt me?  BTW he didn’t even TELL me he was there, I found out through other people a week later…Right or wrong in my feelings, I was expressing them to him.  His words

“ This is your problem, your’s and Dan’s.  I am not getting in the middle.  This is your fight, you deal with it”.

So ( phew I know) this is what hit me in the kitchen yesterday.  My fight.  Not his problem.  I must deal with it.

 Together Barney and I have described this journey and emotions that come along with it like an onion, and it has many layers that have to be peeled back.  Unfortunately, as with onions, there is a great deal of tears.  I have also noticed that an emotional storm seems to precede the layer peeling back process.  So this layer was peeled back and there in front of it stood a HUGE wall.  A wall I truthfully knew was there, but the conversation between Barney and I  I describe above had turned so ugly, I didn’t want to think about it ever again.  I wanted to run and never look back that night.  If it wasn’t for the boys I may very well have. 

Here I was standing in my kitchen grasping at the counter, starring at this emotional road block.  The boys were flitting around.  Yet, I felt relief.  I knew what the issue was and what caused it.   I also had a name to give the emotional pit in my stomach…FEAR.

What if I break through this wall and I need help ?  What if he tells me it ( whatever it will be in the future) is my fight?  Not his?

Alright now I know the issue time to discuss with Barney, insert letter and discussion..

Once again the discussion was  not pretty, but necessary.  There were still so many emotions floating around about the original incident, as well as how I was feeling now.
 Barney uttered phrases like
“ That will NEVER happen again”
“ I guarantee if that incident “  (which led to the severed ties) “ happened now, I would handle it so differently”
 “ I’m sorry, I wish I would have handled it differently.  I know that I have to earn that trust back from you.  I understand why you would feel scared.  Hopefully as time goes on, and ttwd moves forward you’ll trust me more on this”

I feel like I should state again, I DID contribute in my past attitude that Barney felt he didn’t need to step in at the time.

So all very nice and good for you Wilma, but how does this LONG explanation have anything to do with your attitude at the beginning of the week?  Well, the couple I was talking to you about was Dan and Rosanne ( mentioned in Monday’s post).  We have reconciled recently.  It is different, not as strong in some ways, our relationship, but the love is still very much there.  It took a death of a family member to bring us back to our senses.  Although we still desperately disagree about the night that things fell apart…Get this Distancing Dixie was very present that night, and he has called me up on the carpet for being disrespectful-  I know!  We aren’t even married! Lol.  Anyway, I don’t actually see THAT happening again.  For one thing Barney said he wouldn’t have let me walk away from Dan like I did that night, and he wouldn’t allow Dan to carry on that way either.  Sheesh Dd is invading everything..*wink*

Oh yeah back on target, what does this have to do with anything?  We are off to a Halloween party at Roseanne and Dan’s this weekend.  I suppose all my fears and insecurities manifested themselves in my person as I prepared my costumes and other things for their party.  I actually KNOW this to be true, because once I talked this out with Barney…those feelings -gone. 

I am back to light hearted, willingly submissive Wilma.  I don’t think I’ll ever have to attempt bungee jumping, my Dd experience is jolting me around enough.

BTW. After we hashed out what was going on inside of me.  Barney had this to say-  That may behaviour this week was unacceptable.  That he didn’t want to bring it up in front of the boys and that he tried to visually get my attention, ( I was eye diverting) . He went on to say that he wanted to choose his words carefully when he talked to me about this week, because he is so new to this- that is why he hasn’t mentioned anything to me, but he has most DEFINITELY noticed.  YIKES



20 comments:

  1. Absolutely love your post today. The ah ha moments are very familiar around here. It is interesting how the past reactions and feelings are so quick to reappear when there is uncertainty. I am so glad that you were able to get to the bottom of this and work it out with Barney. It sucks when you think he isn't noticing. Glad to know he was. Trust him with your heart. And you will find more happiness then you can imagine. Have fun this weekend. I wish you could send me a Finn hat from Adventure Time. I have to sew one together (by hand), and I have never made a costume before. And he wants the backpack too. Glad that you are friends again and time will heal all those hurts too.

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    1. Hi Blondie, thanks for stopping by again.

      I had to Google Finn from Adventure Time. When I saw him, I knew who he was, my son's new favourite show- it drives me around the bend btw! Just by quickly looking at it, you should be okay if you go very, very simply and use felt for both, way less sewing as you won't have to worry about seems.

      I wish I could help you out too. I'd fit you in between the rodent costume, (working on at it moment- taking a break from inhaling fun fur, btw, at the moment nothing fun about it!) and the hostess gift I am working on.

      As for my post, yes I suppose it shouldn't be shocking that the past comes to the present, because my old coping method, (which was not a method at all), of burying it until it dulled was ineffective. Eventually everything has to be dealt with. As painful as it is.


      Good luck with your costume!

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  2. Phew! I am so glad you got to the bottom of this:) It makes total sense that you'd have anxiety and stress surrounding this issue. It sounds like it was really devastating for you and the reconciliation is still so new so there's that lingering uncertainty. I'm guessing it seems obvious to you now, but sometimes it's just hard to pinpoint where our emotions are coming from when we are in the thick of it. It also sounds like Barney has got your back and it also paying attention...all steps in the right direction!

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    1. Hey Tess.

      Is that phew for- Phew I am FINALLY done reading this novel and can peel my eyes away from the computer? LOL

      Yes I am so very happy that I got to 'the bottom' of this. I thank you for your comment that it makes sense. I was concerned that this may seem like a leap for some. It doesn't to me. It was a palm to forehead moment for me for sure. How did I NOT make that connection? Wouldn't Dd be much simpler if we had the gift of hindsight?

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  4. I'm so happy! I have those moments, too, you're not alone. I feel like I have given everything, then find something that I've been holding back - a wall - and then that saddens me - my submission was incomplete - and I do tend to beat myself up for that. It is a process, and I hate to tell you, it's not likely the last wall you'll find - I hate to admit I still find them. But we've got real mean, who really care and will help us with it. (((hugs)))

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  5. I am glad you were able to figure it out!
    Yeah Wilma!

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    1. It's all good in the 'hood at the moment Blue Bird. A little scary to think what is around the next corner, or rather behind the next layer, but for now basking in the after glow.

      Here's to your afterglow sooner rather than later my friend :)

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  6. Yea Wilma - so happy you had your AH HA moment and really, it makes so much sense! I know you are happy to be rebuilding with Roseanne and Dan but it is stressful. IMHO you also don't want you or Barney to be the people you were back then. Gotta tell ya - you're not - neither one of you. I'm sure if that incident were to happen today, you both would react differently. And if you didn't, Barney would make sure you wished you had! ;)

    Finish up the costumes, go to the parties and dance as if no one was watching. Just enjoy!

    (((Hugs))) and Blessings,
    Cat

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  7. C'mon Cat-- you know what my costumes are...how can they NOT watch..LMBO!

    I'll take those hugs, blesssings and raise you a HIGH FIVE!

    Seriously, I think you are right on all accounts. Would you like me to type that again? lol.

    No it wouldn't have 'went down' the way it did back then, and I don't think Barney would let me give the reaction I did. Truth be told, I only walked away for 10 minutes as to not say something I might regret, when I came back he was gone. I'd imagine I would have been, um, TOLD to go straighten things out the next day now. Water under the bridge. The friendship is mended, but the fracture is still visable.

    I intend to have a fantastic time this weekend! I still have to finish the furry costume, but other then that the others are completely finished and pressed!!!!

    Oh, Hmmm? Just thought it is our first outing as a Dd couple...lol..

    Enjoy your weekend!

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  8. Wilma, I am so glad you had an AH HA moment and were able to figure this out. Keep peeling back those layers :)

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  9. Thanks Roz. This sure is a difficult process. To think I thought my inner dialog was loud before! Sheeeeeesh.

    I'm hoping I get to peel back a layer that has me in a fit of giggles! That would be a nice switch :)

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  10. Wilma, I am sorry to leave this quick comment here as I am on my phone and so not as easy to navigate around. Thanks for stopping by my blog today! What a nice surprise for me. I've been reading here for a little bit and so just nice to connect. I wish you and Barney great things on your DD journey. And, you have wonderful advice/comments here from great folks! Wishing you both a great weekend! Thanks again, SNP

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  11. The pleasure is all mine ! I have been on your blog before, but never commented. The bum picture today makes me think I should use the stairs in my house more often as a form of excercise...sigh.

    Barney is off for 5 days now! Whoo hoo...( ask me again on Weds. if I still feel this way...lol).

    I understand the phone frustration. I experience it with my Kobo.

    Thanks again for stopping by!

    Wilma

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  12. Wilma, I am glad that you had your ah ha moment. Fear is a big one for me too...it's my new F word. haha. I am still trying to do this thing on my own and am trying to figure out how to express to my hubby what I am trying to do. I hope you have an awesome vacay with your Barney:)
    Bea

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  13. Thanks for stopping by New Bea.

    Time will tell how this weekend is going to play out--did I mention this was difficult?

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  14. Wilmey, you have introspection by the horns. In the baby-steps realm, I believe this is the first step, and it's very hard to summon the courage to pull ourselves up, let go of the security of hanging on to something, feeling those unsteady wobbles, falling on our tushes before wer lucy that first foot off the ground, many times, before we actually move that foot and plant it on an ah-ha. It takes ale to figure out how to walk through our emotions, histories, hurts, quirks and desires, them figure out where we want to go.

    I know, ultimately we want to go straight to the outstretched arms of our partner, but we also have to find the way to let them know who we are, pray they can accept and embrace all of what we are, need, want. But, until wer can do that, they may not see us wobbling toward them. We fall, they don't even notice, or they tell us to get back up without realizing we were bringing them all of us, reborn in a way, in our vulnerable infancy trusting them to catch and hold us. All they saw was the tough, competent, independent, self-assured woman stumble and fall.

    Enough analogy. Your blog. ;-) Besides, I'm sure you know exactly what I mean and already have drawn all these parallels, even the corresponding ones where our big, tough guys are learning to walk again, too, learning to look at us and see us as we truly are and want to be in order to complement them being who they really were designed to be. What a web.

    I'm glad you smacked yourself upside the head. You know what I mean. Besides, that's probably better than having your caboose fired up by Barney because you weren't getting it on your own first. Keep that cow-catcher mounted on your engine so you can plow off the deadfall before it details your train. Okay, really, so enough with the analogies already! Lol!

    I'm pulling for you. Make a super weekend!

    Irishey

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  15. Thanks Irishey!

    It seems that the "ie, ey, " women LOVE to use um, very discriptive analogies to drive their point home :) I guess I'll keep the " ie or ey" added to my name then!

    Very rocky afternoon over here. Much better evening. Talk. Such a simple word, such a difficult thing to do! Today I actually, (eventually) used my big girl words insted of the written word. It got a little heated. Later I actually apologized! The air is cleared. I'm not sure if I understood Barney correctly, but Monday might not be such a great day for me. Oh well, (I've changed my favourite saying from Fake it 'til you make it , to,)- Time will tell !
    :)

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  16. Wow, Willie - WOW
    Okay the wild yo-yo ing - yep.....I did it too. And yes, I remember thinking this was easier when I was just being submissive and no one knew about it. I speculated that was because I was sort of fantasizing about when and how things would take shape. Then when I told, Ian, I was snapped back into the reality of dealing with another person's emotions and concerns, etc. I remember that feeling very well.
    The fact that you connected all the dots here is nothing sort of incredible. I mean it, Wilma this is some really important emotions that you are uncovering and dealing with. Reason #2 that things are getting harder, this is painful stuff, and living dd is helping it come out, I think. Your vulnerability is out there, your feelings are raw, walls are down and you are feeling things that have been numb. This is really really important!
    I have to agree with Cat, nothing is the same as it was when the incident happened with Dan. You and Barney have learned so much about yourselves and each other, that it would all end differently now.
    Can I interrupt to say that I want to roll up a newspaper and hit Gazoo? He is really starting to tick me off.


    It is all sort of connected isn't it?
    To submit to Barney, you must trust him completely. Old issues like the ones with Dan and Roseanne must be worked out, at least between the two of you. And you guys are doing it. You must know that he has you. I think Barney is understanding that, by his comments. I think he is realizing that you are vulnerable and he is starting to feel the need to protect you.
    Way to go, Wilma. Even if it doesn't seem like it right now, you are really doing some important things for your marriage.
    Have fun at your party.
    Love ya,
    hugs
    lillie

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  17. Happy Dancing!

    Thanks for stopping by Lille!

    You can beat all Gazoo you want, it doesn't work. You might remember that I threw a ROCK at him in the summer. No this is not some Flintstone metaphor. I LITERALLY threw a rock at him, and it bounced off his chest! Okay, a river stone, pepple-type thing.

    Darn, I should have picked a costume with a weapon for tonight! As it is, I CANNOT believe I am wearing this get up. Barney suggested it when I was silently living submission, so what could I do! I feel ridiculous! Anyway.

    Yup...the only excercising around here, yo yoing! I prefer to think of myself as a FLAG.. happily flapping in the breeze one moment, and then the wind dies down, and I droop!

    Thanks for the positive Lillie!

    Love ya MORE :)

    Willie<- *wink*

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