Alright, well back to ‘normal’ around here.. Did I give you whiplash? Try living it- oh wait most have you have/do! So all’s good because you already own a neck brace.
So after my post yesterday, thanks once again for the outpouring of support. Not one comment in the nature of “ Seriously Wilma, how many times to we have to tell you – give yourself and Barney time!”. Such a great community here.
Right back to the lifting fog. How to properly explain this with out giving too much away? Before I start, I feel I must put a disclaimer out there in case my words seem to have an accusatory tone. Facts are facts, we, Barney and I know where we came from, and how sometimes issues of the past are apparently going to affect our future, as much as we would like to keep the past in the past. I am well aware that the issues I am going to allude to in this post had two partners that caused the reaction. That me ‘taking control’ of situations, even ones that I didn’t want to, contributed to Barney’s reactions, or lack there of. However, seeing how we are discussing MY emotional reaction to something, this post may appear a little one sided.
So as most of you know, this week as been a little submissively challenging for me. It was odd, I knew what I wanted to be, how I wanted to be and yet I wasn’t. It actually didn’t feel good. Unlike what others have expressed, it wasn’t like there was a longing to claw back my control. It wasn’t even like I reverted back to second nature. I think that is why I was so confused? If you are NOT being submissive, yet you want to, and it feels all wrong, and you can’t even use hormones as an excuse—what gives Wilma?
I (might have mentioned before) love creating Halloween Costumes, cooking and creating gifts for others. All of which were on my things to do this week. My daily list was considerably shortened, at Barney’s insistence, so I could do all these things. The odd thing was, I had a pit in my stomach the entire time doing these things that I loved. I took out my uncertainy on Barney when he came home. I transformed into Jack Frost who has a side job in construction- yup you guessed it building walls. I literally ran away once too, under the guise that I needed things- which I did but I could have easily walked to get them during the day, thus killing two birds with one stone, striking exercise off of my list too.
I initially thought that this issue in submission was due to his lack of response. I realized last night that this is not how the week started out, as there was NO reason for reaction from Barney, because everything was ‘in place”. I have remarked more than once that doing ttwd before Barney was on board, just me seemed easier- clearer on what submission should be. I think I found a way to explain why that is. I’ll share a bit of the note I left Barney yesterday- ( what,you did realize there was a letter in Barney’s future yesterday after you read my post didn’t you? Shame on you if you didn’t. Actually, I would have talked out this issue with him but the kids were around so this seemed to be the better solution until we could talk in private)
"I still don’t understand, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that when I was doing ttwd on my own, before I let you in on my little secret I felt more free, and submissive than I do now.
I suppose it is like throwing a ball against a wall, you can aim it so it comes back to you every time. Once you have a partner to throw it to you instead, it becomes much more challenging. Sometimes you can catch the ball several times in a row, other times you are running for it and still miss. You then begin to question the thrower’s ability to throw the ball, not so much your ability to catch. I mean you were doing that fine on your own, right?"
I have to skip ahead to my AH HA moment . I know I should really use epiphany, but that sounds like a spiritual enlightenment to me, and this moment was more of a knock upside the head.
After I read a post from someone the other day, I was affected. Not in the way I normally would be. I wasn’t bothered, or jealous, I suppose sad- not for the poster for me? That didn’t seem quite right. That emotion was there, but that wasn’t the strongest emotion I felt. I just couldn’t pin point it. There is no way this beautiful post ( at least that is how felt it was) should affect me. Every comment that came in from this post had me in tears. WHY? The pit that started out in my stomach grew larger and larger- heavier and heavier. This reaction made absolutely no sense to me what so ever.
I thought if I wrote my post yesterday it would help. It did somewhat-like taking something for a headache. It took some of the ‘pain’ away but the dull ache was still there. WTHeck Wilma?
Off to doing my duties in the kitchen for dinner, with a house full of hungry boys mulling around. It was there and then that I was hit with my AH HA moment. I literally grabbed the counter when it hit- ( seriously I am like a character in a B rated movie…or maybe a direct to video release). Now I know this is where I COULD cut it short and tell you my revelation, but how Wilma like would THAT be? ( Go grab a drink, and make yourself comfortable).
We have already established that in the past, for whatever reason, I have taken care of thing-. This included all things Wilma, even though I didn’t always want to. This means defending myself from others. I’ve introduced you to Gazoo ( see Gobble Gobble post if you need a reminder). For years now, he has on occasion, went full out attack mode on me, ( many people have their theories, which I don’t even like to think about). On the odd occasion he has accused me of some really heinous things- laughable really. Only I didn’t find them funny. Barney’s reaction has always been,
“ What?...Well that is just Gazoo being Gazoo. “
Eventually he added this to the end of the chorus, “ If it happens again, I’ll go talk to him”
Normally I deal with it. I am so used to it now, that is unless he goes WAY out there. I usually just take it all in stride ( if you consider throwing a rock at him in stride).
The real ‘issue’ came about a year and a half ago, when people who are family to us, had a falling out with us. Well not exactly all of us. The very dominant husband and Wilma had a falling out. I’ll try not to bore you with too many details, but this man and I were very tight. I was walls down Wilma with him. He knew me better than I was willing to let myself to know me. When the four of us were together I felt so light and free. I was with three other people that I felt didn’t judge me, I could be myself…even be the ‘little devil’ as his wife describes me as. I was and life was great. You know the saying , “ Dance like nobody’s watching” it was always like that with them. The falling out was so unbelievable hurtful. I literally mourned. For six months, no exaggeration, it was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. I cried so much ( I know I said I hardly cried before Dd, and that is true but this was something else).
The wife, myself and her ‘adult’ children kept in contact for a while, but it was difficult when one member wouldn’t budge. Eventually these ties were severed too. While I was away one weekend, Barney was over there for dinner. Blah, blah, blah…we ended up having words. We are not huge fighters, we really aren’t ( I smolder, and not in the sexy red stilettos kind of way) but this is as close to a fight as we have ever had. I felt betrayed. I mean his wife ended up severing ties with me when it looked like there was no hope in sight. How could he go and have fun with the people _I_ so desperately wanted to be with! How could he not see how much that might hurt me? BTW he didn’t even TELL me he was there, I found out through other people a week later…Right or wrong in my feelings, I was expressing them to him. His words
“ This is your problem, your’s and Dan’s. I am not getting in the middle. This is your fight, you deal with it”.
So ( phew I know) this is what hit me in the kitchen yesterday. My fight. Not his problem. I must deal with it.
Together Barney and I have described this journey and emotions that come along with it like an onion, and it has many layers that have to be peeled back. Unfortunately, as with onions, there is a great deal of tears. I have also noticed that an emotional storm seems to precede the layer peeling back process. So this layer was peeled back and there in front of it stood a HUGE wall. A wall I truthfully knew was there, but the conversation between Barney and I I describe above had turned so ugly, I didn’t want to think about it ever again. I wanted to run and never look back that night. If it wasn’t for the boys I may very well have.
Here I was standing in my kitchen grasping at the counter, starring at this emotional road block. The boys were flitting around. Yet, I felt relief. I knew what the issue was and what caused it. I also had a name to give the emotional pit in my stomach…FEAR.
What if I break through this wall and I need help ? What if he tells me it ( whatever it will be in the future) is my fight? Not his?
Alright now I know the issue time to discuss with Barney, insert letter and discussion..
Once again the discussion was not pretty, but necessary. There were still so many emotions floating around about the original incident, as well as how I was feeling now.
Barney uttered phrases like
“ That will NEVER happen again”
“ I guarantee if that incident “ (which led to the severed ties) “ happened now, I would handle it so differently”
“ I’m sorry, I wish I would have handled it differently. I know that I have to earn that trust back from you. I understand why you would feel scared. Hopefully as time goes on, and ttwd moves forward you’ll trust me more on this”
I feel like I should state again, I DID contribute in my past attitude that Barney felt he didn’t need to step in at the time.
So all very nice and good for you Wilma, but how does this LONG explanation have anything to do with your attitude at the beginning of the week? Well, the couple I was talking to you about was Dan and Rosanne ( mentioned in Monday’s post). We have reconciled recently. It is different, not as strong in some ways, our relationship, but the love is still very much there. It took a death of a family member to bring us back to our senses. Although we still desperately disagree about the night that things fell apart…Get this Distancing Dixie was very present that night, and he has called me up on the carpet for being disrespectful- I know! We aren’t even married! Lol. Anyway, I don’t actually see THAT happening again. For one thing Barney said he wouldn’t have let me walk away from Dan like I did that night, and he wouldn’t allow Dan to carry on that way either. Sheesh Dd is invading everything..*wink*
Oh yeah back on target, what does this have to do with anything? We are off to a Halloween party at Roseanne and Dan’s this weekend. I suppose all my fears and insecurities manifested themselves in my person as I prepared my costumes and other things for their party. I actually KNOW this to be true, because once I talked this out with Barney…those feelings -gone.
I am back to light hearted, willingly submissive Wilma. I don’t think I’ll ever have to attempt bungee jumping, my Dd experience is jolting me around enough.
BTW. After we hashed out what was going on inside of me. Barney had this to say- That may behaviour this week was unacceptable. That he didn’t want to bring it up in front of the boys and that he tried to visually get my attention, ( I was eye diverting) . He went on to say that he wanted to choose his words carefully when he talked to me about this week, because he is so new to this- that is why he hasn’t mentioned anything to me, but he has most DEFINITELY noticed. YIKES