Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Same Old Song from Wilma

 I wasn’t sure if this post was ever going to see the light of day again once I finished, and I’m not sure it SHOULD have.  However, in the interest of full self disclosure, and perhaps opening myself up to encouragement and criticism I decided to post it.  Maybe some other  newbie out there will find comfort in the fact that they are not alone, if they should have the misfortune of questioning themselves…AGAIN!

The thing that irks me most about my posts like this, I am honestly an eternal optimist-  I really am.
******************************* So here goes nothing****************************

For whatever reason, at the risk of sounding like a whiney baby, I have returned to the old “C”.  Pretty much that is it in a nutshell.  I feel almost completely frozen inside.  How can this happen just 4 days after feeling so good about everything ?  Maybe 4 days ago was what I wanted to see and it didn’t exist?  Maybe I need to write down my goings on to gain perspective again.  I choose the latter in hope.

My mind is purposely pushing me in an area.  A reoccurring question.  I cannot for the life of me fathom why it is asking such a dark question.  Perhaps so I will eventually scream YES !  Yes you are happy you took the bus!  For the moment I am indifferent..

Twenty-two years ago, I decided to get on a bus with a friend of mine to keep her company while she travelled to her destination.  The destination, and the ‘trip’ were not exciting.  The trip was merely a 45 minute ride through the city.  I had never been to this part of town before. She was heading there with a purpose, I was along for the ride. 

On the grand scale of things, this bus ride changed my life.  Events that took place after reaching our destination brought me, eventually to where I am right now.  Not the emotional stuff I am dealing with currently, but my ‘lot in life’ if you will.

So the question, the hideously dark question my mind keeps pushing an answer for:  Are you happy you got on the bus that January day 22 years ago ? Well the quick answer should be yes!  That bus ride is responsible for my husband- MY CHILDREN for crying out loud !  It allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people.  People that although I don’t see them as often as I would like, I love with all my heart.  So why is my mind pushing me to answer that question? The short answer, I don’t know.

Before ttwd, I was a person who was reflective- no not shiny at night!  Now I am more so.  I know this is  a reoccurring theme in women who are in Dd relationship.  Looking inside to find answers and ways to grow.. Now the answers and questions  seem to come with emotion attached- some many at times it is confusing. 

I know my post sound like an LP skipping.  I wish I could just pick up the needle and move on to the next song already. ( And I also know that I could very well be using a reference that some of you have NO clue what I am talking about!) J 




There is a realization, at least for the moment, that we/ I am back to the old me.  Wilma in charge.  Got to get ‘er done.  I can handle it.  Step aside before you get run over.

 Yes, I do have to get ‘er done.  Yes I can handle it, but it is HOW I am handling it that is clearly becoming the issue.

Barney has been kind. He always is.  He’s been asking lots of questions.  My answers are short and to the point ( not typical Wilma over the top- Explaining with hand gestures).  He is like a dog approaching a coiled snake, curious, but not too close. 


 The sudden, curt, movement of the snake sends the dog away, tail somewhat down.  Of course!  I have my defensive walls, why shouldn’t he have his right?

I’ve been told both by Barney and others two steps forward, one step back.  Cat even went so far as to say  Dd is a dance.  I feel like I am watching an advanced class at a recital. Sure there are missed steps here and there, but at the end of their routine things still look pretty darn good, and the missed steps are long forgotten.  Realistically the missed steps by the dancers are most likely acknowledged by them but to the rest of us, it was worth the price of admission.


It is not fair to either myself, Barney or anyone else to compare themselves to the advanced or  even intermediate classes. Sometimes it is difficult not to -which further compounds the issue now doesn’t it?

What I want of this.  To feel cherished and loved.  To feel worthy of that.  To feel protected.  Barney wants to show that he cherishes and loves me.  To feel worthy of my submission, and his leadership.  He wants to feel like I need him to protect me. 

So this brings us back to the age old question.  The reoccurring ‘rant’/ whine of my posts.  How do we do it?  Time, I realize is the factor.  I must also figure a way to turn to him, as opposed to running from him.  It is so difficult to break the habit of running when you are a lifetime marathoner.  I suppose I am lost at how to be emotionally  submissive.  I can go through the motions of outward submissiveness, but is that enough to bring the HoH tendency out of Barney?  How come at the beginning before he was ‘in on’ ttwd, we were closer?  Is it the pressure of becoming an HoH that has him retreating and me feeling back to my old self ?  Leading us back to our old ways?  It is because it is easier to revert back? –because I’ve got to tell you, this reverting back doesn’t FEEL easier.  It doesn’t FEEL right.  It FEELS heavy!



As for the bus question ?  I know what the answer is.  Unfortunately the emotion and conviction  that goes along with the answer is buried under some debris at the moment.  Debris I suppose only I can figure out how to move.

Thus ends another release of Wilma’s Whiney Hits.  Hopfully I’ll get my mind wrapped around this sooner or later.

22 comments:

  1. I am there with you Wilma, I am there.
    My husband stepped up this weekend and took charge, unfortunately he didn't finish the job and it has left me in a dark place that is beginning to fill with anger. He has since retreated, throwing out signs he doesn't want to do this right now. Habits from both sides are hard to break and it makes it so hard to deal with when you feel the solution is right there...........you can see.......put your finger tips on it.
    I hope I can out last this roller coaster.
    Not much help here .......I guess, just know you are not alone.

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    1. Thanks Blue Bird. ALONE seems to be a common emotion I think I've been feeling. I am sorry that you are 'here' too!

      You've come along way already, I'm sure you can ride out this coaster, up the crest to the view on the other side :)

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  2. you know what i realised after a while? they become who you want them to be to you, when you become what you want yourself to be to them.

    think of it this way - do all the things, be any way that will make barney's life a little better, simpler, prettier.

    feel the submission. then he'll get there too.

    (i'm not sure if this is the same issue you're struggling with, but it was for me... that active searching and wanting was stressing me out. so I just "WAS". and it felt much better.)

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  3. I'm not exactly sure what my issue is Fondles. :) It is like all my thoughts and emotions have been put in a blender and someone keeps hitting the pulse button.

    I am so desperately TRYING to just be....I really am.

    Thanks for stopping by and offering support. I really appreciate it.

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    1. Hi Wilma :)

      I am going to warn you for the millionth time, take all of what I am about to say with a big ole' grain of salt.....here goes....

      This all seems normal to me. When we bring Dd to them, we already know so much more than they do. We are 10 steps ahead of them in our minds...and when they don't respond the way that we want them to we freak out....get nervous...think that they don't want or can't do this.

      In essence, we are expecting them to live up to what we have read or know that other people are doing....even if we aren't doing that on purpose. I still have plenty of moments when I want poor Ryan to read my mind.....eeek, not good. The other day I did the age old, "well if you don't know what is wrong with me...blah blah" <~~~~~That did not go over so well ;)

      Don't turn away from him...turn towards him. Talk to him, ask him how he feels. Communication I promise you is the only way to get this going. I agree with Fondles...try to feel the submission, I know, I know. But TRY....Susie is so good at talking about doing something that will put you in that frame of mind. He will notice I promise. On days I am not feeling it, I try to do something that will please him, even if I am not wanting to. He will notice, it will empower him...and things get better.

      Hang in there my friend....this is just so hard, but I promise it does get better :D

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  4. I agree with Fondles, the DO become what you want them to be, but .. as I have found out, I may not like it at times, and you just have to start with a little submission (something I am not good at!)

    I was a serious control freak... a "move over and let me at 'em" kind of girl. I was bossy and for the most part, if it wasn't my way, it was stupid, wrong and I wouldn't stand for it.

    Ever see the show John and Kate plus eight? (before they split) Kate was such a witchy woman. She was rude to her husband, always right, and just such a pill! THAT was me, really! I was such a ______ when I think about it. I made my poor Husband a doormat!

    Anyways, it's been about a year for us and I'm still struggling every day.

    We started "Boss Saturdays" awhile ago, sort of a joke, but it really boosted my husbands confidence as well as helped me take my place...( sometimes..)
    He got good practice in being in charge, and I got... well, I got a sore bottom most of the time! We still have Boss Saturdays, but HE says it's really BOSS everyday, just EXTRA bossy on Saturdays. I tend to get spanked MORE on Saturdays then any other day!

    I still have days when stress takes over and I feel like I'm the only one who can do things the right way and I get pushy and try to take over, ordering people around in the house and in their life... But now, my "H" will give me a few warnings and it's up to me to either stop it, or end up not sitting for awhile.
    OHHH sorry for writing a book here!
    But, I feel ya!
    :)

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    1. We've had bossy days around here too...BEFORE Barney was in on it :)

      Feel free to write a book on my blog comment second anytime...I *might* be known for the same habit!

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  5. Wilma, my dearie :)
    This is really hard. It should be called tidtwd - this incredibly difficult thing we do....
    I remember reading Mick's, Susie's and Sara's (and others) posts and thinking.....hmpff - we will never have that kind of marriage. We will never live the lifestyle like they are living it - and I still think that from time to time. That is why, despite feeling sad for one of them when they have a hiccup, we kinda feel a little more comfortable in the knowledge that they too, still struggle.
    The self reflection that you speak of, certainly seems to be a characteristic of dd, but I am not sure it is just for the women. I think it produces similar effects in the men who begin to live it.
    Our role in ttwd, is hard. I think the role of the dominant husband is especially difficult. He must change a way of thinking and conditioning he has had for his entire life. If he lives this life he must do it, knowing that society not only frowns upon it, but sees it as abhorrent and twisted. He must then bring himself to hurt the one he loves the most. It is not something that most serious men do on a whim.
    I have to echo what Fondles says above....in our lives in our marriages, we are constantly evolving. Her observation was my experience as well, "they become what you want them to be to you". And it takes time, and yes it made me nuts waiting for it, but you can get there "when you become what you want yourself to be to them".

    Here is yet one more of Lillie's flaky metaphors for your pondering pleasure:
    I saw a traffic sign in a documentary about forgiveness that read "Give Way". I guess it means "yield" and I think about that little traffic sign now and then.
    It is such a lovely way of phrasing the need to yield.
    In life and in traffic, when you want things to flow properly, sometimes it means you must give way to the other party. You must allow them to make the aggressive move, but they can't do it with your acceptance of giving over to it. You cannot force them to advance, well you can - but it is fraught with difficulty - the better strategy is to wait patiently for the other party to see it is safe and okay to move forward. Doesn't that seem to have a flow and a rhythm to it?

    And of course you are happy you got on that bus, Roy Orbison could see that. It will be okay, Sweetie.
    Love and Hugs
    Lillie


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    1. Oh Lillie, sorry I took so long to comment

      As far as the metaphors go, none could be flakier than the ones I constantly bombard Barney with on a weekly basis, unless they contained pastry!

      Your metaphor made sense. Once again talking to Barney, well you know my routine, I write, he reads, we talk, proved helpful. Fortunately I had set my own mind at ease once I realized what part of the issue was.

      He has been noticing the change in 'the weather' emotion= wise with me, but has been waiting to address me about it because the kids are around when he has been, and he wants to choose his words carefully, especially because he is new to this.

      Um...but after he set my mind at ease, about MY issue, there might have been words thrown around like--unacceptable, in regards to behaviour, 'try to get your attention, but you wouldn't look at me". <+ From Barney BTW

      So while I may only be riding on tricyle in your 'round-about', traffic metaphor, Barney has been quietly looking to purchase a motercycle so as to merge into traffic

      Thanks for the love, hugs and always the support!

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  6. With Cat, Blue Bird and Fondles as advisors you have a lot to work with.
    What Fondles says, and what Cat means with the dancing, is exactly what happens. A husband will always try to adjust to his wife. DD or no-DD.
    He watches her like the dog watches the snake. Always ready to come nearer, always ready to back off.
    So what Fondles says, must be your road, just be you, don't try to be an image you found somewhere on the internet. If you want to be submissive, be submissive in your way. He will adapt. When you both have made peace with this situation, you can try to move slowly forward.

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    1. Thanks Bas.

      We just really needed to talk. Before we could do that I had to figure out some things on my own. Strain the emotions to get a clearer broth, so I could actually bring something to the table. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes, like earlier in the week- when Barney was trying to get information from me, I don't know why I am feeling the way I am, so the discussion isn't as fruitful as it was this evening.
      Hopefully in the future emotional melt downs won't be the catalyst for discussions. That we'll both know what the signs are and the actualization will come from us working together to figure it out.

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  7. You've already had such wonderful advice, there's really nothing of value I could add but I will answer your question. "Are you happy you got on the bus that January day 22 years ago?" YES Wilma you are - you love your husband and your children with all that is in you. You might be questioning some emotions within yourself but you would not change a thing - except maybe to start DD sooner. ;-)

    (((Hugs))) and Blessings,
    Cat

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  8. Thanks for stopping by Cat

    Late this afternoon, I managed to sort out the emotion and what/where it came from. I was literally HIT by it. Funny how these things work out these days.
    'Writing' certainly helps unclog some of the mess.

    Anyway, Barney and I discussed it ( perhaps there should be a post about it- not sure how to write it though ). Many aspects of my post today were addressed. Things are much better now.

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    1. So happy things are much better Wilma. If you can find a way to write about it, I'm betting there are quite a few here in blogland who would benefit from the "light bulb moment" and ensuing discussion.

      Blessings,
      Cat

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  9. Not sure how helpful this particular conversation will be, especially because there would have to be so many vague comments in it.

    Basically another 'layer of the onion' has been peeled away in Wilma and there was another emotional wall waiting behind. This one from put there from the past, built by repeative behaviour. I suppose I was afraid that if I let this wall crumble, like it wanted to, that if the behaviour happened again, I would run and not stop. The last brick layed on this wall was a particularly nasty, dark one. I thought I had moved past the events that led to this wall, but as we know supressing things does nothing.

    Barney asked me to trust him. That he would NEVER put up with that again and that he would handle it if it did. So for now, there is a half wall there. Together we will try to tear it down completely, but trust,as in trusting someone else to handle something they repeatedly chose to ignore, or blatantly told you it was your fight, is a difficult thing to find once it goes missing.

    See? Vague. and yet still WORDY!

    thanks for your comments Cat

    Wordy Wilma

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  10. Frozen inside at times. Check.

    More reflective...way more reflective. Check.

    Taking back control. Check.

    One patient, kind husband. Check.

    Seriously Wilma, what you are going through is what most of us went through. I wish that I'd started blogging at the beginning of our journey so that I could go back and read through those emotions of the first months. I did have a place where I could talk and ask questions so that's exactly what I did. What you are doing here...just pouring it all out is very healthy. I can remember crying through some days and being happy and completely content the next. It was like a rollercoaster. It can be still, but time and communication, a confident Hoh and all that spanking business does change things. You will get through this and you are doing exactly all the right things to keep from shutting down. Talk and write and be as wordy as you need to be. It's all good! Keep peeling that onion.

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  11. Thanks Susie, your supportive words mean so much.

    Deep down inside, ( alright not THAT deep ) I know what I am I going through is the 'norm' in this community. Trouble is it is NOT the norm for me. Well I suppose eventually I'll have to embrace the new norm.

    I know we all say we blog for ourselves first- which is 100% true. It sure does help declutter, but I do worry that people will read and think, "Oh no. AGAIN?" on one hand, but on the other hand I also want others out there that are thinking about themselves " Oh, no not again" that they are not alone :)

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  13. I think there might be some confusion with my dance comparison. I don't believe there is a right or wrong way to do this. I/we are not specifically trying to be anyone in the 'advance' class. I was merely commenting on the fact that the people who have been doing this longer seem to be enjoying the dance, even if they always aren't. That is would be so very lovely to be at that part of this. I know that there are several learning steps before we get there though. When it has more of a natural flow of things. Nothing more.

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  14. Oh no June, it was most likely in the way I wrote it. You were not the only one to comment that way. It has been mentioned to me on other posts too! I guess I am still not very good at expressing my inner relections. ( Libra, gotta keep the peace ;) )
    I am VERY much a perfectionist, which makes relinquishing control so difficult in my case. Funny you should mention the empathy thing. Barney and I were talking about that after last week's melt down. I believe the comment was something like - " I mean empathy is great, but enough already! " LOL Um, said in the healthiest way possible.

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