I wasn’t sure if this post was ever going to see the light of day again once I finished, and I’m not sure it SHOULD have. However, in the interest of full self disclosure, and perhaps opening myself up to encouragement and criticism I decided to post it. Maybe some other newbie out there will find comfort in the fact that they are not alone, if they should have the misfortune of questioning themselves…AGAIN!
The thing that irks me most about my posts like this, I am honestly an eternal optimist- I really am.
******************************* So here goes nothing****************************
For whatever reason, at the risk of sounding like a whiney baby, I have returned to the old “C”. Pretty much that is it in a nutshell. I feel almost completely frozen inside. How can this happen just 4 days after feeling so good about everything ? Maybe 4 days ago was what I wanted to see and it didn’t exist? Maybe I need to write down my goings on to gain perspective again. I choose the latter in hope.
My mind is purposely pushing me in an area. A reoccurring question. I cannot for the life of me fathom why it is asking such a dark question. Perhaps so I will eventually scream YES ! Yes you are happy you took the bus! For the moment I am indifferent..
Twenty-two years ago, I decided to get on a bus with a friend of mine to keep her company while she travelled to her destination. The destination, and the ‘trip’ were not exciting. The trip was merely a 45 minute ride through the city. I had never been to this part of town before. She was heading there with a purpose, I was along for the ride.
On the grand scale of things, this bus ride changed my life. Events that took place after reaching our destination brought me, eventually to where I am right now. Not the emotional stuff I am dealing with currently, but my ‘lot in life’ if you will.
So the question, the hideously dark question my mind keeps pushing an answer for: Are you happy you got on the bus that January day 22 years ago ? Well the quick answer should be yes! That bus ride is responsible for my husband- MY CHILDREN for crying out loud ! It allowed me to meet some of the most amazing people. People that although I don’t see them as often as I would like, I love with all my heart. So why is my mind pushing me to answer that question? The short answer, I don’t know.
I know my post sound like an LP skipping. I wish I could just pick up the needle and move on to the next song already. ( And I also know that I could very well be using a reference that some of you have NO clue what I am talking about!) J
There is a realization, at least for the moment, that we/ I am back to the old me. Wilma in charge. Got to get ‘er done. I can handle it. Step aside before you get run over.
Yes, I do have to get ‘er done. Yes I can handle it, but it is HOW I am handling it that is clearly becoming the issue.
It is not fair to either myself, Barney or anyone else to compare themselves to the advanced or even intermediate classes. Sometimes it is difficult not to -which further compounds the issue now doesn’t it?
What I wantof this. To feel cherished and loved. To feel worthy of that. To feel protected. Barney wants to show that he cherishes and loves me. To feel worthy of my submission, and his leadership. He wants to feel like I need him to protect me.
So this brings us back to the age old question. The reoccurring ‘rant’/ whine of my posts. How do we do it? Time, I realize is the factor. I must also figure a way to turn to him, as opposed to running from him. It is so difficult to break the habit of running when you are a lifetime marathoner. I suppose I am lost at how to be emotionally submissive. I can go through the motions of outward submissiveness, but is that enough to bring the HoH tendency out of Barney? How come at the beginning before he was ‘in on’ ttwd, we were closer? Is it the pressure of becoming an HoH that has him retreating and me feeling back to my old self ? Leading us back to our old ways? It is because it is easier to revert back? –because I’ve got to tell you, this reverting back doesn’t FEEL easier. It doesn’t FEEL right. It FEELS heavy!
As for the bus question ? I know what the answer is. Unfortunately the emotion and conviction that goes along with the answer is buried under some debris at the moment. Debris I suppose only I can figure out how to move.
Thus ends another release of Wilma’s Whiney Hits. Hopfully I’ll get my mind wrapped around this sooner or later.