Saturday, October 13, 2012

We Now Return You to Our Regular Scheduled Program

I hope the timeline is not too confusing for everyone.  The events in this post happened the day after we discussed rules, after I posted about that. Barney and I had a lengthy discussion before he went to work concerning the rules talk.  This post however, is mostly about yesterday's discussion, hours before A Kitchen Moment. ( Hahaaa, I have probably just confused you even more-sorry).

 Anyway, this should have been posted yesterday after Yesterday to Today? But I didn't have it in me, and A Kitchen Moment happened-I thought it would be best to lighten it up a bit. 

Here goes: 

 So this is how our discussions go around here, as of late.  Barney talks, talks, talks.  Wilma listens, answers questions the best she can, we talk a bit more.  Wilma goes off, thinks, thinks, reflects, pounders- writes her feelings down for Barney to read.  Why you may ask?  Because Wilma can’t seem to get anything out of her mouth these days without her eyes leaking and her voice cracking.

  Barney then reads, reflects…finds Wilma, stares.  Nothing is generally is said about the letter during  first contact.  Small talk is made.  Barney leaves to think some more.  Later, the conversations begin.  Now this may seem normal to some, abnormal to others.  This was how our day went Thursday anyway.

  We had a very productive, eye-opening and somewhat  scary conversation on Thursday afternoon.  We were open and honest, even if we thought the other person didn’t want to hear what we had to say.  Things that came up were: listening to each other (vs) actually HEARING each other and our joint fear of what if this doesn’t work out?  Where do we go from here?

 You see folks the cat has been let out of the bag.  We are most definitely each other’s best friend, but with the direction we were heading, is that enough? Should just that be enough  8 – 10 years from now when the kids are gone, ( Please God, let them move out at a reasonable age!)?  No.   We both want to be happy.  Not just room mates.  A team.  Not two people running beside each other.

 Barney reconfirmed that he has a strong hope that this is the tool that is going to work for us.  That even though at the beginning, this is going to be difficult, he is committed to going forward.  He commented on how it has already changed us so much.  We are communicating more then we ever have.  The subjects are not always pleasant but we realize they are necessary.  And the more we talk, the easier it is becoming.

After my post on Thursday afternoon ,(which I posted after Barney read the letter, but before we had our huge conversation discussing the day before-rule day) I was once again unsure and well, anxious.  Was I pushing Barney to hurry us?  I didn’t think so as he told me he was the one who wanted to get going before we slid back and decided not to go through with this- something that had never crossed my mind.  Did I confuse him?  Was I trying to manipulate the situation in my favour?  What did THAT even mean?  I was essentially- a mess. 

  The problem was, Barney was off to work and wouldn’t be home until late at night.   So I sat at home worrying, wondering, freaking out a bit.  Barney doesn’t have the type of job that I can phone him.  Not that this would be something anyone would want to talk about at work anyway.

     I usually get up almost 2 hours before Barney does, again because he sometimes works very late.  Friday, I was awake at 4:44 am, lucky me!  Anyway about half an hour after the time I usually get up, Barney came into the kitchen.  When I asked him why he was up so early he responded that it was Friday and we needed to go grocery shopping, renew my license and get the sticker for the vehicle.  Now all of these things were true, but a few weeks ago I would have had to DRAG him out of bed, and several hours later at that.

Once the monsters, er children were off to school, I asked him to read my blog entry from Thursday. 

 Barney- “Sure no problem”

 I was fumbling in the kitchen while he read. He eventually made his way to me.

Barney: “Hey. They had some pretty interesting discussions going on there.  Some excellent points too, I guess.”

Being as subtle as always when I am nervous, I blurted out,

W- “Do you feel rushed?”

B: “For what?”

W:” Do you feel like I am  rushing  you into this ?”

B: “What?  No I already told you, I wanted to get started.  I was the one who rushed the rules thing.  I should have thought more about how to apply it to our lives, so we could have had a better discussion on it.  To find out what we both need from this.”

W: “So you don’t feel I am putting any pressure on you for this?”

B: “I feel pressure, but not because it is coming from you.  I feel pressure because I am concerned if this doesn’t work, what then?- We talked about that yesterday.  I am pretty confident that it should work, look at all the great conversations we’ve had already.  I think this is going to bring us closer.- With less barriers.  It already seems to have had some effect.”

W: “Okay.  Its just that when I am alone, after you’re gone I start to question myself.  I think. I mean it is not like I can phone, _________ and say

‘ Hey I asked  Barney to lead our household, and I’ll follow,- oh yeah, I also gave him permission to spank me if I don’t behave and do what I am told. Now I am feeling like maybe I am trying to get him to be someone he’s not comfortable with being. Want to come over for a drink and help me figure this out?’  (insert unsure giggle)

B” Well you are not asking me to turn into someone I uncomfortable being”

W “Did I confuse you the other day? “

B; (chuckles) “ Any more than usual? (chuckles again) Oh, you mean the blog comments?  No, I know how you think- most times.  I know you process things differently then me, then most people.  I’m used to you by now.  It actually made sense to me what you said - especially when I thought about YOU in that situation.  I guess we’ll find out if I’m confused during a situation like that WHEN it turns up.  I can see it turning up with you.”

W:  Gee thanks”
 (annoying because he is most likely right)

W: “I guess I just need to ask you directly, not assume like we’ve been doing for years.”

B: “Look I told you yesterday that I understood where you were coming from in your letter. There are definitely some things that need to be worked on.  It is going to take some time, but we’ll get there. 
Your attention to detail, and memory is frightening compared to the average person, let alone me.  I’m not afraid to admit that I am worried that things will be missed and over looked because I am not always that guy- who notices everything.  I can see how you might feel that you are not worth paying attention to when I don’t notice things.  God knows I have been horrible at listening,-no, hearing you in the past.  But I am going to make every effort to change both of those things. “

W “Well I’m sure I had something to do with that too”

B “How so?”

 W: “I don’t know.  I just feel bad because you seem to be dumping on yourself right now”

B” No, these are things I need to work on.  There are things you need to work on.  It doesn’t matter how we each played a part in getting to this stage.  Like you said yesterday,’ we have to stop looking for answers in the past.  That doesn’t matter anymore.  It is where we are going from here’… right? “


(Before everybody jumps on me for that last statement, lol, that is only part of a comment I made.  The discussion was about how our personalities were formed, blah, blah...we have talked, and talked about how things were in the past and how these things contributed to where we are presently.)


As a result of this discussion, ( the " We WILL be moving forward" has me worried-lol)  I have been making room in all our drawers.  You know, taking out clothes to give to The Salvation Army, frantically transferring clothes  from my closet into drawers--so I can get rid of as many hangers as possible.(lol)

Barney was quick to informed me, he only needs oneHe thinks he’s so funny!

29 comments:

  1. Hi Wilma :)

    I can relate to so much of what you have written here. My word, it has not been that long since all of those thoughts were running through my head.

    I was so afraid of what would become of Ryan and I after the kids left. We were basically roommates...

    Now, I look forward to that time. It does not mean that I don't love my boys, I just know that my life has another purpose besides being mommy. Ryan and I have rekindled a romance I thought was long dead.

    No one should have to settle for a good enough marriage....not when something so much better exists. I feel confident that you and Barney will find your way :) Enjoy this crazy wonderful journey.

    If you have not read Old Fashioned Marriages last entry, zoom over there when you have a chance. I sent it to Ryan. It deals with how wives feel when a rule is broken and not dealt with. It would be good for Barney to read to maybe understand how that affects you....I think anyway. I read it, and was like YES! I could never explain to Ryan why it bothered me.

    You all are doing well :)

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  2. Hey Lucy! Happy Saturday!

    I haven't been on an Old Fashioned Marriage this morning, but I will most certainly check it out. Thanks for that. I read Clint's post about Cue's and Warnings to Barney this morning. He was very intrigued. I beginning to wonder if he's going zoom to HoC,( Head of the class) when it comes to HoH. lol

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    1. It is called Rule Breaking Hicuups....a new one is posted today, didn't want to confuse you :)

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    2. I have to admit when I went there, I was like, this doesn't look right. So I scrolled down. Funny thing, it wasn't until half way through reading that I thought, wait a sec. I've already read this ! LOL

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  3. I read elsewhere this morning that in communication, "women go for the details—men go for the headlines." It's true; when Anne spends her twenty or thirty minutes recounting the details of her day to me, it's hard for me not to text-process in my head, searching for the summary statement or the action item. Then, if I think I've found it, I'll respond by telling her a possible solution, which is not what she's looking for at all. She just wants to be heard.

    I want to hear her and I want to be the kind of listener she needs, but at the same time, I'm sure she doesn't realize how difficult it is to listen to her talk about the same issues day after day without giving her a solution to explore!

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  4. In the interest of absolute honesty, I have been guilty of that myself. Also I have been guilty of drifting in and out when Barney talks to me about something, usually a reoccuring problem at work.

    The other day we were talking about not hearing important things- (not that listening to things that are bothering your spouse is not important). Things where details are important.

    Barney said, " Yeah, I know that more often than not, I listen and then once you leave so does the information." I know this because I've said, " I told you this already" LOL.

    I'm sure it is not suprising to hear that I most likely give WAY more details than necessary.LOL! No wonder he forgets ! Something for us both to work on. He did say that I should tell him from now on, " This is important to me. Please remember." That is until he 'retrains' himself.

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    1. I can say that for me, that would be one of the most helpful things to hear. I'm very sure that I'd remember something she prefaced with that request. Because I'm already trying to pick out what's important from that huge flow of words—hearing "this is what's important" solves my problem!

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    2. Well there you go! Suggest it. It can only help right?

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  5. Well, I have underestimated Barney.
    Clearly, he has things under control.

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  6. Well clearly I did too Bas if I was so unsure of myself :)

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  7. Wow...So much of this reminds me of Hubby and I. He and I had that same discussion about "what happens if this doesn't work out?" and expressed the same fears. Even though we started already (last month I think?), it's interesting to read other's posts and see where we were and where we are headed. So much good can come from all of this. I'm excited. My behind isn't, but my heart is.

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    1. Well LM, it was your discription of your husband that finally gave me the courage to come forward to Barney to talk about dd. For the most part, every other blogger I read said, or their HOH said they always felt they had a dominant personality. So thank you for giving a different point of view.

      To be truthful, sometimes I don't feel like posting a post, but then I think of how other's experiences have helped me find the courage, so I plug on ( and on...I know I'm kind of verbose...lol)

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  8. It is really interesting how much this reminds me of the beginning of dd in our relationship, Wilma.
    The constant crying and emotionally overloaded conversations. The point at which the husband starts to drive the need for dd, because it just happened like that. I was the person initiating it, and then suddenly it was Ian and there was no going back.
    The increase in number of conversations and the depth of them, as compared to normal. We found that we just needed to be alone, to talk and hold each other.
    This is wonderful Wilma, you have a really good man there, and he is stepping up to the plate with a commitment to your marriage and to you. It warms my heart. :)
    Good luck and big hugs :)

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    1. Thanks Lillie...so happy you are 'back'! BTW Barney literally laughed out loud when I read your email- the part where you said, you wanted to hug me AND shake me! I'm sure he feels both at the same times more often then not! lol
      I don't know where I'd be without your little pep talks !


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  9. I will reiterate what I said in a previous comment. It looks like you are doing everything right from here. Communication is the foundation, and you are both approaching it from a what can I give my partner, and what can I bring to the table of this relationship.

    The more that we yield, the more our men gain confidence and the more confidence they gain and exhibit, the safer and more secure we feel. I think you're doing it pretty well. Just remember that DD is not a mold to fit into, it's a foundation of principles to build on, to suit your relationship. Every single one of us has a slightly different flavor, and that is an awesome thing.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by again June.

      Tonight I was at a get-together, for a certain someone who is clicking another digit on the old odometer,ahem...anyway, Barney knew where I was going to be, if he got home after 12 hours and I wasn't her-, but this afternoon I thought, wait, I should be home when he gets there. He prefers that. So all night I kept looking at my watch.I WANTED to be home before him. - He honestly would understand, I mean everyone gathered there because of well...moi.
      When I was leaving they kept saying " Why are you going ?" " Barney will know where you are"...ect...
      Funny thing, I am sitting here waiting,not feeling like I am missing a thing!

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    2. *Smiles*
      and
      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

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    3. Thanks June... as for the smiles...well you should really read what I wrote under Irishey's comment..Upon reflection, the submission part might need a bit more work! lol

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    4. Hmmm - in regards to that - guess what? You're human - you may be the submissive half of a D/s-DD relationship - but you are above all human.

      Maybe think like this - It is not so much being trouble free, error free, burp free, bump free. It is how you deal with those glitches, how you work together to correct them and prevent them, and how you come through on the other end.

      The submission part is always needs work. The Dominant part always needs work. In any relationship, you don't 'get' the other person and then stop working, you work every day to learn and grow and improve. You tend and nurture the relationship and your partner, you're never 'done'. We and our relationships are dynamic.

      Don't be so hard on yourself, you are invested and you are working, and so is Barney. You'll make it, sweetie. (((hugs)))

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  10. Wilma, love your post. It sounds somewhat familiar. I think your husband and you are going to find all the goals you have for your marriage fulfilled. Glad that you commented on my blog so I could find you.

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    1. Well Blondie, I have been a lurker on your blog it seems like forever, so I am the one who is happy you found me! I hope you are right. We are so new, and haven't really gotten past the talking stage, but things feel so much better already. Some things are shaky, but secure at the same time.

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  11. It's actually pretty neat and telling that he is being hard on himself. This way of life demands a lot of both parties and I will admit that I loved watching my husband begin to hold himself to high standards. My respect went through the roof, even if at times I wanted to tell him to not be so hard on himself.

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  12. You know what is also quite and eye-opener?- when I read his words once I post them. It is like he is a totally different guy then the one I have lived with for so many years. I suppose he was always in there, just like vulnerable Wilma, but it is surreal. This is very much about finding him as it is me.

    I loved what MM wrote on Lille and Ian's blog today. I must get Barney to read it, er, I mean ASK him to read it! LOL

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  13. Hi, Wilmey, ;-)

    Caught up now. What a whirlwind of a few days for you. I read all the comments, too. Much good advice, observations, similar scenarios from others. I'm glad you're finding ways to process this, individually and together. We all learn from each other here. Even when something doesn't directly apply to us, it's good to know how others view, process, communicate and handle things. It keeps us thinking, makes things a bit more fresh, gives us a connection that is invaluable.

    Your strength as a couple is that you're friends who don't want to be roommates after the children are grown and gone, so you've resolved to start working now to prevent that from happening, to reignite your love affair and make your marriage a fulfilling relationship for both of you. The two of you have chosen to DO SOMETHING, and you're willing to go all out for each other. Now it's a matter of learning what that means, what the other needs, what your marriage needs. This is all presupposing we've figured out our own needs first.

    It's difficult to look inside ourselves to discover specifically what we need and want for our own selves. Then we have to acknowledge that to ourselves, then manage to summon the courage to share those things, and then find a way to communicate those things to our partners in a way they can truly understand. Then we must allow them time to process that understanding and meld it with their own needs and their goals for themselves and our relationships. Nothing complicated about any of that, is there?

    Yes, I know, I'm writing a blog post here. Sigh... Lol! This shouldn't be so complicated. The Golden Rule should solve everything, dang it - that, and "Love one another." I forget to keep these foremost in my mind at all times, allow too much emotional noise to sidetrack me from these most important directives.

    I'm going to go make D some brownies, just because he likes them, just because I can. That isn't the answer to anything, but it certainly never causes anything but good feelings (if we only eat just one!). Hhmmm...

    Irish-ey ;-)

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  14. Wilmey ? Like Wilma wasn't already BAD enough? LOL.

    Feel free to BLOG away in my comment section, Lord knows I do it to everyone else all over Blog Land ! Barney has the next few days off, so I anticipate MORE conversations, but then perhaps very few, as I won't see him much for about 2 weeks :( .

    Guess I won't have to learn to be patient, as circumstances will force me to be anyway.

    I anticipate an interesting few days. When I am alone, which is a lot I have been thinking about submission. It is such an interesting word isn't it? It means so many different things to so many people. I am/was not the screaming wife, more the passive aggressive. Before I mentioned this to Barney, I thought,'how in the heck is he ever going to notice me not being submissive?'. My job description alone should reek of submission--homemaker. And I am Suzie Homemaker on the surface.

    BUT...


    I have noticed in the past few days how I break so many rules that are just so deep seated in me. Yes even when I am alone. Today, I used paint cans as a step stool-3 different sized ones, to reach across a shelving unit to pull something down from above my head, that was really too heavy,I cut towards me with a chef knife, and thought of how I always seem to 'forget' to call Barney when I travel with the kids and reach our destination-- these are things Barney has called me on countless times over the years. For the record, I can't tell you how many times I've cut/burnt myself because I wasn't paying attention.

    I can be short with the kids, for no fault of their own. I literally just gave Barney a dirty look because I was reading and he kept interrupting me.
    So yeah, he's going to have noooooooo problem I'm sure...lol

    Right, and this is me supposed to be acting like we are fully in DD. I'm afraid if he does notice, and I don't, I'm gonna be toast. Good thing I cooked one of his favourites for dinner, hopefully that will carry over some goodwill if he decides tomorrow is the day. ( sigh, remember Wilma you ASKED for this).

    Thanks as always Irish-ey for stopping by. Come to think of it, not sure what my comment had to do with your's but- Oh well! lol

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    1. ;-) Just referring back to your comment on a previous post about the "ee"-sounding endings of the names of the "wise women" who commented to you. I don't feel wise at all, just have a lot of miles on me and hope one of my random experiences might make sense to someone else.

      Don't discount your own wisdom, about yourself, about Barney, and your marriage. I believe we all know a lot more than we realize. The hard part is digging down to find it, acknowledging it to ourselves, admitting it to our partners, and then consistently doing something about it. You are doing something. So, yes, dear sage, I gave you my "-ey" to use. Wilmey. It actually sounds kinda cute!

      Irishey

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  15. Well in that case, I'll 'wear' my "-ey" with (false) Pride! Ya know how I subscribe to the thought " Fake it 'til you make it!". ( And I do suppose Wilmey, sounds better then Wilma when I think of it).

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