Friday, November 30, 2012

Fear Not Guys, It is Not What You Think

 I woke up early this morning in a wonderful way, that ended not so great...LOL..Mother Nature WHY ?

I attribute my grand slide backwards last month to the visitor that is NEVER invited... I mean I WANT her, but not ..Ya know? Her arrival makes me nervous since we started ttwd.  It makes it even more difficult for us to connect when she visits.  Eventually, hopefully, Barney will feel comfortable in demanding things, and more comfortable with consequences during this time too, but he's not there yet. 

Then there is not only the physical connection aspect, there is this

This is perhaps the greatest obstacle we face.

I was making the bed this morning and I had an idea. I am such a visual person so I decided  I was going to make some kind of sign for me to look at- to remind me to 'be good' (grrrr).  I was hoping we had enough ink in the computer because I am going to have to leave my secret messages to myself  EVERYWHERE- on the fridge- IN the fridge,beside the oven, beside the sink, beside the bed; on the kitchen island, on the dining room table,  on the bathroom door,taped to the phone, the front door; the passengers seat of the van; the dashboard; the headboard; the ironing board; - Okay you know what--- forget the ACTUAL sign thing.  I could design one on the computer and then take a mental snap shot.  So off I went to do that. 

First draft....

I figured with HORROR-MOANS stacked against me, I'd need to go into "SUPER" mode. You know shoot for the moon, hopefully land on a star half way?  As I stared at my motivational sign , it gave me sort of a 'gotta get it done'  feeling.  Like conquer it .NOT  really what I needed.  Back to the drawing board.

Next, I found alterations necessary

 So would this work ?  It was more like an internal order. Hmm. I really don't like being told what to do. It gets my "Irish Up".  I need to be coaxed I think.  As I was trying to figure this one out, my not so subconscious sent me this message:

                       Right- the Submit Now button was not going to work.  I then came across this

 Better.  Why ? because I often think of a feeling of contentment when I am submissive-  Except that blanket could very well be made of Phentex wool and really scratchy?  WHY would I automatically think of that?  Why not just think it is soft and wrap myself in the blanket and experience the warmth ?

Oh I get it! 


I don't  REALLY  have an issue with whatever you want to call it. I don't .  It is just that it doesn't....well when I am in a submissive mindset, that is not the overwhelming feeling I get.  I get a feeling of contentment.  Like this

This is a place I could stay for a very long time. A place where others are drawn in.  It is my fireplace seat.  My happy place. My cozy nook.

I must concentrate on this photo and the feeling it gives me, because that is how I feel when I am 'submitting, surrendering, yielding, deferring.  I am emotionally in my cozy nook place.  ( is not all about sweaters and books either- that blanket can easily be thrown down  in front of the fireplace too -*wink*)

A submissive mindset/ heart allows me to feel this type of contentment and that is what I desire. A warm, comfy place, where even though a cool draft may come in from the outside, it doesn't put out my fire and source of warmth.

  So from now on I am on my Cozy Nook Quest.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

No Right to Complain

So I have joined the GOOBers...Get Off I Our Butt  Blog Land exercise 'club' if you will.  I have mentioned that fear of public anonymous shame seems to be spurring me on more than the threat of a spanking ( and I've already had one a few weeks back for not meeting my goals).

I have pledged to eat 3 real meals a day.  Drink 8 glasses of water ( something I have yet to achieve) a day .  My exercises choices at the moment are the weighted hula hoop for 45 mins Mon/Weds/Friday and the most dreaded 'running' the stairs in my house for 30 minutes Tues/Thursday.  I really, really,  REALLY  hate running the stairs.  Believe it or not it is way harder than it sounds-even though, I don't actually run, but more walk very briskly.  I literally say in my head for the first 15 minutes, I hate this.  I then start watching the clock edging myself forward in 2 minute increments.

This video was on Face book today, and it made me realize how silly I am to complain about something that really is not that difficult.  My wanting to exercise is yes, for a healthy heart, but to be truthful it is because I want to wear a bikini in March when we are on vacation.  Well be comfortable with myself in the bikini, how is that?  Such a silly reason, once you watch this video. 

I pledge that whenever I feel like I am not going to exercise, something that God has still granted me the power to do, I will watch this video.

My you find something that speaks to you my fellow GOOBers!



Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Longing for the Feelings of October

   As some of you may know I went away this past weekend to visit with family.  You may also recall that last week I was quite nervous about this because in my mind and heart my 'submission', 'surrender', 'deference', 'yeilding'- whatever flavour of ttwd you would like to choose- was not where I wished it to be.  While there were great times to be had with my family when we were in large distracting numbers,  I had a very difficult time with one on one.  Not one on one with Barney, as that never happened except for when we climbed in bed at night.  One on one with my Mom.  I was unfortunately, extremely distracted while spending time with her as well.

  I do have another blog post already written about an unusual conversation my sister had with me, that took up a great deal of my mind space this weekend.  I am just not sure if I will ever post it as it seems off to me.  Anyway, whether it was psycho semantic or not, I was unfortunately correct that our distance grew wider when we were there.

   I understand if you are confused at this point because of my previous post discussing my reading of the book The Surrendered Wife.  I do still stand behind everything I said in that post.  I suppose if you were wanting an explanation as to why everything seems to have gone down hill from there, I would just say that I was desperately grasping at the flicker of hope the book was giving me.  The little positive stirrings inside.  Those feelings were perched upon the negative and I so wanted the positive to overpower the negative for good.  Like a candle lighting a corner in a darkened room

  Today was to  be our only full day off together for a really long time.  Once again I felt the pressure of this weighing me down in my already fragile state.  I was unsure if Barney took note of our situation, as he did not mention maintenance for this week.  Last week he had decided that we would have maintenance at least once a week, and discuss our issues in bed every morning when possible.  Also, we would  bring forward blog posts to each other that would help us.  None of these things have happened. 

  My sweet,bulldozer- like friend...that is to say, um, persuasive friend, Lucy told me I had to talk to Barney about all of this.  About how I still wasn't feeling the way I wanted to.  I say told because I wasn't convinced it was going to change anything, but I wrote a letter anyway.  I told her I didn't have anything to say that hasn't been said before again, and again.  Finally she said to just tell him I am struggling.  As far as Wilma letters go this one was not pretty.  I stated that I didn't really feel like writing this letter; that I was all talked out and that communication as of late seems to get us nowhere.  I told him that I have been rereading my blog posts from October and although I remember the events, I can't for the life of me remember the actual feelings I felt back then, but I so desperately want to feel that way again. I mentioned that we only ever seem to grow as a couple after I have some major melt down and that I just don't think I have it in me anymore for that.  I finally told him I felt further away then I did before we even started ttwd and not only was I detached from him, I was now detaching myself from others too.

  I wanted him to know that he was not to blame solely for this but I did tell him I was struggling and somehow I needed help.  I wasn't even sure that was possible-or what form that help could possibly come in. 

  When he came to bed last night he asked if he could talk.  I listened.  Initially he started off with the blame game.  I quickly and in as few words as possible informed him that he has taken over a great deal of responsibilities already around here.  It was us we had to work on.  He asked me to lay my head on his chest, which I did.  He then said,

" You really are all talked out aren't you?"

" Yes"

After several minutes, he garnered the courage to ask,

" Have your feelings changed for me since we've been married "


Exhale " Good.  Okay then"

More silence followed by

 " I don't want you to give up"

  I let the tears silently run down my face, once again not knowing what this meant for us.  After a while I was uncomfortable, so I rolled over and went to sleep.  Unfortunately sleep only came for a few hours.

  This morning Barney was out of bed before I was, doing my morning ritual.  I sat at the table lost.  Unresolved.  Sad.

  I was pretty convinced that he had no plans to follow through with maintenance today. I  wasn't even sure if it was going to 'fix' anything or move us forward even if he had decided on it- but I have been grasping at straws as of late and I needed something.

  I told Barney in my letter that I have not only felt detached but so very alone.  I have all of you wonderful people here and I am truly grateful, but at the end of the day-  everyone has their own lives to live.

    There can't be a  more empty feeling  than being in a room filled with other people and having the feeling of being alone.  Nothing that is, except for  being in a room with your husband, the person you have pledged to spend your life with, to raise a family with, shared your dreams, gave your heart to, and feel all alone. 

    This is such a foriegn feeling for me.  Despite being a social butterfly, I have always enjoyed the peace found in my own company.  I can embrace the silence that falls between two people when nothing has to be said.  As hard as it may be to believe, I can sit in a room with someone breathing in their prescence, but not feeling the need to converse.  Lately I have felt anxiety-a neediness that has not been met, most likely the result of which caused the alone feeling.  Not only have I felt alone but empty and adrift.  The feeling that the rest of the world is happily chugging along, bypassing me without a second glance.  I have been left to float away.

                               These were the feelings  that have been engulfing me for the past while . 


   After everyone left for the day, Barney disappeared I resumed my now 'favourite' place, my bed with the wet pillow.  Eventually I was not physically alone.  I lay there and listened as he spoke.  Once again he went on about how he had failed us, and once again I tried in vain to stop that line of thinking.  So finally I began to ask questions as to why he thought that was. I'll spare you everything, suffice to say it is the same old same old.   This time there were tears on both sides.  I mentioned that I wished I had kept my 'new findings' to myelf 2 months ago.  Back then only one of us was upset enough to cry and mourn our relationship.

   I was angry and hurt that he forgot  the information he had read about, things I had given  -things that answered his questions on why maintenance last week might not have worked.  This was the reason he was reluctant to go there again this week.  Although he did say he WAS going to, he just hadn't planned when...sigh.. He then admitted that he didn't make the time to find answers to his questions on his own, even though he had plenty of time.  I handed him the material again and left him too it.

  He finished rereading what I had given him last week and then proceeded to go through our blog roll and where ever else his clicking fingers took him.  I was trying to gain what little sanity I had remaining by talking to another friend.  Finally I heard him leave our bedroom and go downstairs.  My heart sunk. I was giving him time to process, but my fear was that we were not going to work this out today.  I suppose I realized this was a bigger issue than one maintenence day anyway.  I so desperately just wanted some indication of movement.  I chance for growth perhaps -to dismiss the obvious stagnancy in  ttwd at the moment.

  What seemed like forever, but was most likely mere minutes he appeared in the room I had chose to distance myself in this time.  He began to discuss how once again we were going to schedule a regular maintenance session.  How  I  needed to know this to keep my mind at ease, and how he needed it to remember to do it.  He explained how he was very concerned about how things were going to play out once the kids were home for 2 weeks over Christmas- a potentially stressful time around here.  Once more our blog discussions were brought up.  He suggested doing so on our cook together nights.  Also together we must remember to find time to talk about our daily issues.  He then took my hand and asked me if I was ready?

  Despite the fact that I was about to be OTK I felt a little relieved.  My first, yes I said first spanking of the day was administered solely by his hand.  There was a slight sting, but primarily it just, um settled the blood in all the right/wrong areas.  When he told me we were finished, I sat back on my heels and he looked at me closely. 

 " That wasn't enough was it ?'

" Um, not really.  Can I ask why you didn't use the wooden spatula?"

" I couldn't find it" 

So after I showed him it was right where he left it last week, back OTK I went- for a really long time.  Finally he stopped, keeping me in position.

" I think this is only getting you turned on."

I giggled...

" I am seriously going to have to start working out! My arm is sore"

" Well I suppose there are other ways to show your dominance"


  Are things back to  the way they were in October?  No.  Are they better than yesterday? Yes.  For now they are a little better, but I have to tell you at the risk of sounding negative, I feel like I am walking on the edge.  I feel like it will not take much for me to stumble.

Hopefully this will not happen.  If it does, hopefully we will find a resolution together sooner.  Neither one of us ignoring the signs hoping that they will disappear or magically fix themselves.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Reading, Reflecting..Not So Much Applying

   Yesterday life was good.  I didn't actually have too much to do because today is finishing touches day.  Why do it twice right?  No seriously, I know me, if I had the joint sparkling and then some 'innocent' left a leaf on the floor in the front entrance I'd ...well best just to leave that til the last minute if you catch my drift.

   Once I justified that in my mind, the day was an open day!  I decided to start reading The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  Now if you are actively living ttwd or trying to ( in my case) I see very little controversy in this book  In fact, if you are thinking about ttwd as a lifestyle this could very well be a great jumping off reference for you.  Anyway I decided I needed all the help I could get, so for $17.00 what the hay?  The thing I am enjoying most about this book, is how the author explains that Wife reaction A can lead to ( negative ) Husband Reaction A.  Interestingly enough, that is also what I don't like about this book, for it has held a mirror up to my past and I look sort of like this

Without the flawless skin, and most excellent cloak--but you get the picture.

   Often 'here' in Blog Land, you will hear women talk about the walls we have built over the years to protect ourselves from hurt, but did you know that you were an expert mason? Building walls everywhere you went.  I do not only mean your own walls. I mean bricking up your husband.  This is basically what I am experiencing from this book at the moment.  Understand what you take away from it, maybe totally different.

  So far, aside from the insight offered, I could have written this book...Her actions/words before she 'surrendered', the affects it had on her husband, can be seen in Barney. 

  The accepting gifts and compliments chapter really rung true for me.  I was raised to be humble, but being humble does not mean NOT accepting the 'gift' of a compliment.  For in doing so, you could be crushing the spirit of the individual giving you said gift.  It really does make me uncomfortable to hear praise, like I am unworthy of such a thing--but what about the person giving me the praise?  When I make a joke to cover my uncomfortable feelings, I am dismissing their feelings.

  Another section that had me thinking was the section on the importance of girlfriends.  Really and truly, I have not had/kept many girlfriends in my lifetime.  I can imagine there are quite a few of you out there who are the same.  I have always surrounded myself with men, ( um so NOT like that!).  I found it easier.  Guys were 'more fun' to me.  Their humour tended to run in the same direction as mine.  I felt like I was safe, and more feminine because they didn't make me feel that they were threatened by my personality.  In addition, I've said before, I'm a bit of an emotional sponge, and in my younger years, well girls were all about the drama, and I'd get sucked in...YUCK! 

   If I were to be completely honest, and I suppose shew-like, I didn't expect too  much from the men in my life.  After all they were guys.  Guys are guys.  My expectations of my female friends was and still is, unfairly I suppose, higher.  They should KNOW I need their help!  Can't they see that? Whereas I would just ask my guy friends, because, well they are guys, and can't figure it out on their own.  The disappointment of not having the response I wanted from my girlfriends was too great, so I abandoned them.  I would try periodically, but ultimately the friendships have been left to casual outings, not phone calls in the night, when things weren't going well.

   Well you do need someone to phone.  To talk to .  To vent to.  Blogging has been so important to this process.  I am trying to be the person I was years ago to my friends, and not expect anything in return.  I used to be that 'girl' but I hardened up over time as well.  As we know, that starts a chain reaction.  I act like I don't need them, they figure I don't.  I am hurt.  Thankfully I have you lovely ladies to help ease me back into the fold.

 The last section that has me thinking in this book is- giving up control of the finances...YIKES !  Not because Barney is incapable, he is WAY more capable than I, that is for certain.  It is just, um, all the creative accounting I have been doing to 'make it work'---by the way---not always more so than not saying No in bed, more than speaking respectfully, and much more than all the other 'surrendering' I have been trying to do combined, this is going to be the hardest, but perhaps, if the author is correct, the most important--at least in OUR relationship.  I think I'll wait 'til after Christmas though ( wink )

  Sounds great eh?  Like whoo hoo Willie you are on your way!  Well I am understanding how my reactions in the past have help create the roles we had before we started ttwd that is for sure.  But even in my enlightened state yesterday, this is what happened ( just so you know I am indeed human--LOL)

  After dinner last night Barney made an innocent comment.  Not really worthy of the reaction I was about to give.  I have no 'horror moans' excuse - No I didn't sleep well excuse.  In fact, I was supposed to be enlightened right?  Anyway, for whatever reason, I went into a '&itchy sulk mode'.  It was pretty apparent.  Unfortunately, I stayed in it for quite sometime.  The worst part is, aside from sending Barney into a tailspin, and eventually putting him in a fowl mood, DURING my sulk fest, this popped into my head--

" Do you realise how lucky you are that you are not married to ____ or ____ or heck even ____ at the moment?" 

Yup I so knew I was in the wrong, my brain tried to snap me out of it...and yet I stayed in &itchy Sulkville...
  Leaving this in my wake

  Learn from it and move on. So that in the future when I hold the mirror up to myself.  I will find this reflection starring back at me.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hold the Phone !

 So  as a Dd wife, if you had a penny for every time someone told you to 'talk to him' or be patient, it takes time, don't rush him etc... well you wouldn't be rich but you would have a good handful of change-- to pitch at someone!  So yes, see the mind set I have been in


   Here's the thing. Rote memory works for a reason.  You finally remember.  BUT  what if  you  eventually process the information in such a way that contradicts itself ?  What if in your twisted little cave woman mind you decide that by giving him time, not rushing him and being patient means you are to stay silent.  HEAR me out HoHies out there. 

    For the past well almost two weeks, which in the span of a life time is a drop in the bucket, but for those in the new of ttwd can seem like a lifetime, I have been growing distant. I then turned into passive aggressive brat  wife. But Willie you say, we told you what a bad girl you were, and you talked to Barney and you fixed it. Not -exactly. I put a patch on it.  Well it worked for a while, then life got in the way and I grew distant again. I talked again to Barney. But THEN you were alright.  He gave you the TiH Appreciation night and things were better?  I was sincerely hoping so too.

   Remember how I couldn't put my finger on what was actually wrong to talk to Barney about? kind of difficult to talk about something if you don't know what it is.  (Well not true again..Clearly I can ramble about nothing!)  The issue is fixing something when you don't know what it is that needs fixing. I suppose I know what needs fixing, but to talk about that I would assume it would be beneficial to know how it got 'broken' in the first place.  Once that is figured out, it should be NO problem fixing it then right?  Uh Huh..see above paragraph.

    So lets get to this week. Indifference is replaced by fear.  I suppose it is something.  I mean it isn't indifference right? Indifference-the absence of emotion.  We are to go away this weekend, no not for Thanksgiving, it just happens to work out that way.  We are going to visit my Mom and her husband.  My oldest sister ( picture older Willie, but um, well better behaved, until younger Willie shows up) and her kids and grand kids will be there too.  I SHOULD be ecstatic- and I am..I can't wait to see my little man.  He's 3 1/3 and absolutely hilarious- of course he just wants 3 rd in Line to the Throne, but anyway.  I am excited to see my family.  We have such a fantastic time together. 

The fear is, if I don't get whatever is going on inside of me 'fixed' before we go, when we come back I'll be too far gone. 

I have almost returned to the old me, before Dd. The transformation is almost complete.  I am still doing my 'things I'm supposed to' - well with the exception of exercise, ( Zip it Lucy, you can't yell at me twice for the same thing).  It is HOW  I am living the rest of my day.  How my head and heart are working this whole thing out.  See right there is a problem isn't it.? WE. .. US.

   Oh I know what I am supposed to do, it actually pops into my mind.  Barney is home I should go greet him at the door.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  The 'Great Divide" has returned ( mentally) in our bed. I KNOW  I need to go to him. I need to show him my submissive self and this makes his dominant side flourish--there is a flip side to that coin though, isn't there?

   So THAT  is it. Before you start yelling at you computer ...this is NOT about spanking.  I've been spanked.  The blasted spoon even broke.  No it wasn't a punishment spanking.  It was maintenance.  Unfortunately for all involved, my head wasn't in the game.  I tried, I really did, but try as I might to pay attention to what was going on 'back there', the scuff mark on the wall kept gaining my attention.  So now I have a bruised butt, again, I'm down a wooden spoon, and no resolution.  I suppose I was hoping I could be spanked into place.  Not so.

   Finally I turned to an outside voice.  I wouldn't say the advice was much different than I had heard before, just worded differently.  It was the questions that were posed to me that had me thinking.  The answer didn't come right away.  There was no GRAND ah ha moment.  I decided after our discussion ( thank you by the way) to lay down.  I haven't done this in such a long time, successfully anyway.  I think best right before I fall asleep. It is like the other 'stuff' drops away and the solution emerges.  Well it USED to work that way anyway.  Thank God today it worked. 

   Have you ever had the solution to the problem right there, but you don't implement it because you don't believe it will work?  You don't try because you need to know the why before the how can be effective?  Well I am that person. For the past couple of weeks I have been driving my self crazy ( yes, yes, short trip) trying to figure out WHY  I couldn't get back to the place I wanted to be.  We communicate.  In fact it has been easier and there have been short conversations instead of long Willie letters like at the beginning and...HOLD THE  PHONE !  That is it.  I haven't been communicating effectively. 


   At the beginning I would pour my heart out, in print, but still there it was, out there to see.  Out there for Barney to process, at his own speed. No tone, no  cutting each other off because we have talked about it already...etc.  I thought we were getting better at communication, and we were, but somewhere along the line, most likely with my frustration of stagnancy, I didn't give it my all.  I was too afraid to not be patient- to take over, to rush him, to not let him make this his own, that I silenced myself  TOO much, ( again I know it is hard for YOU to see Willie and silenced in the same sentence).  I only casually mentioned what I desired-what I thought would make me feel more submissive. In essence I walled myself back up again.  I didn't communicate effectively, and my frustration with us, and then in turn myself, made me more closed off and distant.

So now I go and write...I'll start with my email conversation today.  Most of 'my issues' are in there.  Then to the blog post, and then a letter.  I do feel so much better already though. - I know see above paragraphs.  I'm not saying this is the solution, but it feels more right than any of the other times.  If this feeling continues, meeting him past the middle shouldn't be as difficult as I thought half way through today.

One Cautiously Optimistic


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Celebrating Births Everywhere Today

 Well while most of you were off sleeping, a few exciting births happened in the night.  Well by births I don't mean little people exactly, I mean blogs!

    The first blogger needs no introduction, we all know her and love her as Irishey.  She has finally decided to put up a post on her new blog. Some of you have already noted that she FINALLY managed to get around to getting a blogger ID last week.  Well last night she put up her first post.  ( Happy Dancing)!!!  I hope  she'll still have time to offer her wonderful , and so very often witty comments on our blogs!



   The second blogger, is a woman I am very proud to call a friend.  We met via my blog and she decided ( on her own, Elisa, there is no room for fibbers here *wink*) to start a blog to journal her journey and to tap into some of the wonderful advice you all are so willing to offer. She is an excellent writer and I am sure you'll fall in love with her like I did.  Bonus her husband Will  (HI WILL!)  said he is also going to contribute to her, ooops THEIR blog too !


 I did tell her how wonderful and supportive you all are, so please go over there and show her yourself. <- Just don't forget to come back here once and a while too! LOL


    The last 'birth' last night actually happened a while ago.  Today my baby is another year older...Boohoo..Yup I'm crying because 3rd In Line to the Throne is one year closer to the dreaded teenage years....LORD HELP ME!


Sunday, November 18, 2012

Sunday Sex Talk

Alrighty then...nothing like a little sex talk on a Sunday to get your attention.  So  I've been talking with some of  the 'girls' here and the difference with sex since we started ttwd.  All have agreed that 'something' has changed.  So stepping outside the Wilma box ( mind out of the gutter Emma) I am going to talk about myself.

Many moons (pun intended) ago when Barney and I first got together we were like any other couple. (Vanilla),Hot and horney.  I was more the manhunter in this game.  Barney  used to accused me of trying to kill him :) .  Anyway as time went on,  I guess I just wore the poor guy out or b!tch slapped him too much outside of the bedroom.  I tried everything to gain his attention again. 

He'd come home from work and I'd only be wearing an apron. 

I got , " Are you sure that is sanitary cooking like that ?" not the point. 

One time I bought some see through lingerie and stood beside the t.v.  Apparently the sports highlights were more important at the time...sigh...

Black thigh high stilletto boots and garters...sure  that got his attention....sorta

We picked up our game here and there,  Egg whites on the whoowhoo, and we've had 3 children.  (By the way you just look at me and I get pregnant, ask Barney how disappointing THAT is.)  But I basically stopped trying, and just waited for attention.  Obviously it happened, but not as often as either one of would have liked.  There are many factors to consider, small children, Barney's erratic work in general.  I am sure many of us have been in the same position.  After a while the sex became a means to an individual end.  The meeting of two bodies, but not necessarily two minds.  I don't know how it works for men, but for women, this is less than satisfying.

I am sure if you and your husbands were in the same 'funk' as us, your husbands would say something about not wanting to initiate sex for fear of rejection, before ttwd.  When we started discussing Dd, I mentioned to Barney about the not saying no 'rule'.  He said, he couldn't imagine why we would need that.  PAH!!! THAT
 is the one  RULE  he is most consistent  So bring on the beginning of ttwd and sex.  Well  sure it was there, and was um, hot.  I suppose the fact that he knew I was not going to reject him helped.  Also I no longer wear bottoms to bed, so , well dinner is on the table when he gets home...(um, might have to come back and change that sentence.  )

After about a week or so...things started to change.  I can't say exactly what.  I get the attention I need to achieve the ultimate goal, but the results are different.  It takes much longer to achieve said goal, and well the while the reward is is different.  On the journey to the destination, I can see a place I really want to go, a place I have yet to venture is like I am reaching, and it is just out of reach.  So I stop/settle for the closer destination.

Fear not, I am not sharing here, what Barney and I haven't already talked about. He said he notices that he seems to be leaving me on the edge. you well know I seem to perch myself on the edge of everything lately.  Thanks for talking me back! 

Anyway back to Sunday Sex talk.

A wise  ( fellow pervert)  friend said to me yesterday that the brain is the biggest sex organ...mine being unusally

So I suppose when you factor in all that happens with ttwd, it is no wonder that  sometimes the ultimate destination and the reward when you get there alters for a bit. NATURALLY  I took the time to over think it.

Here are a few other factors, I believe.  Now that I am always at the ready, sometimes I feel detached.  I feel like there is a service needed and therefore provided.  Not that the driver of the car doesn't provide adequate upkeep, but sometimes due to the time of day/night, things have lagged.  I won't go into details because even though we are anonymous...ya know.  Suffice to say the connection is not made.  Odd really because we are starting to become more affectionate outside of the bedroom.  In addition, you know  I have been emotionally detached as of late, so that clearly doesn't help matters.  In truth the past 2 days, I have actually felt resentful.  How horrible is that?  Yesterday morning I just up and left right after, and this morning he eventually just stopped- it was like I wasn't even there. I suppose I have lost my ( covering up) coping modes of before ttwd.  Now it bothers me that we are not on the same page, whereas before I would just seek out my own satisfaction and his quick release so I could go back to sleep.

Man this is complicated stuff!  It is further complicated by the differences between men and women.  Men, apparently, crave the physical to support the emotional, while women crave the emotional to provide the physical.  So does this mean once I am out of my funk, things will resume the same? To answer that question I decided to perform a little solo experiment.  Yeah...still not the closer to the further destination...but nadda. So the biggest sex organ needs to exercise too?  Sigh.  Good grief!

His Point of View ( before reading my post)

The physical part of sex hasn't changed as I am a guy.  I think the mental/physical connection is more part of the female make up.  I do find more mental satisfaction now watching the physical reaction that happens from you. ( btw---his physical reaction has changed, I need to do very little at the moment....*wink* nor do I have the opportunity). 

Post post reading

I do feel like you are left on the edge at times, but that doesn't mean I felt for the most part you haven't enjoyed it.  There seems to be so many more levels in a woman's degree of satisfaction then that of a guy.  ( they have degrees too, as we all know)
*************** this is where I sort have, might have, gotten a bit curt.

" Just because it is more complicated with a woman, doesn't mean you can just fluff it off"  on and on...blah bitty blah blah...citing examples....ready, aim, fire---------->

To his credit, this was his reply
" That is an excellent point.  You should put those things down in your blog"

" I am not putting those things down in my blog, it is a little too personal"  Gah!  So exasperating at times.  LOL...

So this post really took a weird turn, one I certainly didn't expect, and I don't know how coherent it is at all..but there you have it

Please discuss amongst yourselves..Your comments are always way better than the post anyway *WINK*

Oh, I should note, I don't regret this not saying no rule...I go to bed every night craving his is just...well .........

Blame Rogue Update BLONDIE ADDED Bea/Minelle/Dana's Q added

So I was laying in bed this morning on my e-reader checking out my emails, when I noticed I received one from  Rogue" I've nominated you for a Liebster Award.  Please don't kill me.".  Seeing as I had no idea I thought, "okay" here is the info you seek on the Liebster Awards and my subsequent answers.

Here are the rules:
  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!

Here are Rogue's questions

1.  What is the first thing you notice about a man you just met? ( visually) his shoes
2.  What celebrity do you resemble? Susan Sarandon- so I've been told- I'm assuming the Rocky Horror Picture Show version
3.  What is one thing you swore you would never do....and did? Yell at my kids- I know probably not the answer you were looking for, but I honestly can't think of anything.  Never say never
4.  How tall are you? 5 foot 2 (almost)
5.  What color is the underwear you have on right now? White with very vivid tersiary coloured polka dots
6.  Are your dreams in color or black and white? colour
7.  Are you a morning person or night owl? Used to be a night owl, now a morning person
8.  What is your nickname? Honestly that would give away my anonymity.  Seriously in some circles more people call me that then my real name....I'll just say it is a rodent
9.  If you could go back in time, where would you go? Historically I'd say Pre Civil War- Emotionally any time my Dad was still alive.
10.  What is the funniest thing you've ever heard a child say? When my son was 5  he said " You know Mommy.  When good people die, they go to heaven.  Do you know where bad people go when they die? ......( and he pointed to the ground and said)  New Jersey."

Unlike SOME people I will not whine that I have to answer more questions *wink*

Dana's questions ( although SHE didn't answer all of her's on her blog-pssst I think she's someone famous!)

1.  What is your most treasured possession? Can kids be possessions? 
2.  What is on your bucket list? To go to Italy
3.  What historical figure would you like to meet? Leonardo Da Vinci ( with translator present other wise kinda a bust for a meet and greet)
4.  If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Hmm?  Did you read my post today?  Um, that!  or my need for corrective lenses
5.  What is your favorite movie? Shawshank Redemption or Spinal Tap :)
6.  If you were shipwrecked, what three people from blogland would you like to be there with you? Like NONE of you...Clearly we all need to be spanked to get things done and keep would be bedlam!  And NO way in heck I'd want and HoH there...sheeesh...well maybe Rogue- now that she can do double duty.
7.  What person from blogland would you most like to meet?  Whoever is reading this at the moment :)
8.  How many pets do you have? In our house we have a dog and a fish...I try not to take responsibility for's not working
9.  What is your greatest fear? Being shipwrecked with people from blog land
10. If you could go back in time and change one event in your life, what would it be? Who I lost my virginity to
11. What is your favorite color?         YELLOW

Now Here are Minelle's questions

 Who was your first kiss?  You know, I honestly don't remember.  I guess for a grade school kisser he wasn't very good

      What is your favorite family tradition? I will tell you our most fun. Because we have such a large extended family, and none of us want for nothing, for Christmas we buy gifts that are under $15 and cleverly wrap them up.  We play a game to see what order we choose a gift from the middle of the room.  You can steal from others to.  We don't know what the gift is until it is opened at the end of the game.  Most of the gifts are hilarious.  We pay attention all year to find the 'perfect' gift.

                  What is your favorite ethnic food?  hands down Italian

                Do you exaggerate when telling a story? If it is for a laugh, absolutely

                 What is the worst practical joke you ever played on someone? Okay I didn't do it but Barney once shrunk his roomates queen sized bed frame down to a twin and set the mattress back up on it- I was there though

                What is your favorite cologne?  I'm not sure.  Every time I smell one on someone I tell them they smell good, but I don't really like Barney wearing cologne. It give me a headache

                 What is the most daring thing you ever did? I am not a very daring person...I'll choose something lame considering this community and say, ask Barney to consider a Dd lifestyle

                 What is the funniest movie you ever saw? Trains Plane and Automobiles

                 Favorite junk food, salty or sweet? Salty.  Ruffle potato chips, with plain sour cream, and cold pepsi no ice....

               Favorite trash read? um...I guess Sherbroke Bride...I read the series on the beach this summer.

              Do you exercise? I am supposed to....grrr...first Dd spanking was because I didn't.  I like to walk, and I have  a weighted hula hoop ( um I don't do them together)

Fine Bea-cuz I love her---and hate rules ( yeh yeh) New Bea's questions

1. What is your biggest regret? Loosing my virginity in a typical B -rated, teen movie style event.
2. What is your favorite sexual position? Boring I know but misionary..I like the feel of the length of his body on top of me ;)
3. What is something you would tell your 20 year old self? Wear the freakin' bikini! In 5 years your bellybutton is NEVER going to be the same!
4. What is your favorite meal? homemade lasagna the next day
5.  What do you want your epitaph to read? Barney put me here...tell the police to look into that
6.  What is your favorite song? tough one..The Story by Brandi Carlile if it is slow, Can I Go No Where With You by Joe Plasket if I want to be put in a good mood
7. What is your favorite movie? The Shawshank Redemption serious movie...plain fun- Spinal Tap
8. What do you do when you are stressed? Take a shower with my removable shower head *wink*
9. What would you change about your past if you could? see #1- but then again everything happens for a reason, so maybe not
10. What do you order at Starbucks? I can honestly say I have never had anything from Starbucks..Tim Hortons is a HUGE coffee place here in Canada.. French Vanilla
11. What was the worst job you ever had? I hated working in finance.  Every DAY I hoped for a bomb threat...actually did happen, but I was pregnant and very sick that day, so I wasn't at work....sigh

Blondie's Questions

1. If you were with a group of people talking about DD/TTWD, who would you be? The moderator, the main speaker, a participant or in the audience? As you know I am pretty quiet so I'd have to say in the audience *wink*

2. Would your marriage/relationship work with about DD/TTWD? Yes, we would be polietly moving towards strangers

3. Do you like the holiday season? It is bitter sweet, but I do love it with my kids

4. How many people do you speak to from blogland? 4 on a regular basis a couple more off and on

5. Could you switch roles with your partner? (spanker/spankee) GAH!  No.

6. How would you explain this relationship to your child? I haven't a flippin' clue and I don't want to think about it.

7. Is there someone's blog that you read that you cannot understand? Yes

8. What do you like best about blogging? At first it was figuring out what was going on inside me, then the support, now it is the friendships I am developing

9. Do you blush easily? No...unless I have to publically speak...but people saying things to me does not make me blush

10. Does your partner either read, co-post or not read your blog? He reads my blog about every other day

11. Can you name 25 blogs you read just from memory? Probably

 Eleven Things you Didn't need to know about me

 1- I don't own one pair of socks or underwear that don't have some sort of funky design on them
 2- I wear contacts
3- I'm allergic to ginger ( no figging over here)
4- I can make my tongue vibrate ( hmmm.  perhaps I should have put that one first)
5- I walk everywhere humanly possible in my bare feet...even to throw garbage out in the winter
6- I think Christmas Eve is the most magical day/night of the year
7- I am terrified of the ocean
8- Apparently, I crinkle my nose when I laugh
9-I put flavoured cream and 2 big teaspoons of sugar in my coffee
10- I love the feel of dirt! ( um not a dirty girl...just love soil and earth)

Now here are my questions.

So difficult I do want to steal one of Rogue's because I have often thought of asking

1.  What celebrity to you resemble?
2.  What do you think your husband/ HoH looks sexiest in ?
3. Aside from reading my blog, what is your favourite past time?
4. What ONE word best sums up you?
5. What is one of your guilty pleasures?
6. What is a pet peeve of yours?
7. What is your favourite Day of the year?
8. Again aside from me, who would you like to have a drink with from Blog Land ?
9. What irrational fears do you have? 
10. What is the best gift you ever recieved?
11. What is your least favourite sexual position ( didn't think I was going to go through this whole thing without ONE naughty question did you?)

Lucy,  Roz, Kevan, Emma, Irishey, New Bea, Blue Bird, Tess, Lil Misses,  Emi.  and Jill Off to email them all

Friday, November 16, 2012

Only Catching Glimpses

     Conflict.   Resolution.   Emerging stronger.   Seems to be the theme not only here but in life.  But what happens when there is a factor that seeps in between resolution and emerging stronger?  What if there is self doubt?  Emerging stronger certainly cannot happen with this factor wedged in there.

   Barney and I talked yesterday and the night before.  The decision was made  (again) to go forward with ttwd.  I haven't wavered from that.  I know this is how things have to be.  How I want them to be.  For once ( at least I think it is once) I  feel I am going to be the force setting us back.  NO- please don't think I have blamed our setbacks on Barney.  I blame our setbacks in the past on BOTH of us.  This time I have to work through things--and I so desperately want to do it myself.  I know, a big NO. NOsigh.

   Aside from THAT glaring issue. I don't exactly KNOW what the problem is.  You see,  I feel different inside.  I can't decide if it the external pressures of life, or if is that I've totally lost my submissiveness.  It would appear that over the past two weeks, I have distance myself so far away from ttwd.  From Barney.

      I want it back.  I want the space to be gone.  I want the wall to be lower.  I want to stop just catching glimpses of my submissive self.  I am truly much happier when I am in that state of mind.

               Talk, talk, talk.  But what to say?  I clearly don't know what is 'wrong'. 

   I look outside, and it a beautiful sunny day, yet I don't want to cross our threshold.  I feel that  if I step out, everything will unravel.  What little piece I have left in me will be blown away, never to be seen again.  Such an irrational fear, yet there it is

      The same can be said for others coming in.  I have had a horrible week. ( I have also had a lot of fun joking and teasing with friends here too).  External factors, which have always been there, have been more disruptive this week.  I have allowed an individual and his comments to poison my emotions.

   Not long after we started ttwd, I was more than capable dealing with this person.   I felt his harsh words, and the true meaning behind them could not affect me anymore. The old addage, " Sticks and Stones.....words can never hurt me"  did not apply this time.  I ended up in a state of rage, which I recognize is my defence to cover the hurt.  I am upset with myself for caring about this.  I let him push me further away from the person I want to be. 

   Barney and I talked about this incident last night.  But what is there to say?  Ignore him?  How can Barney help me with my feelings that arrive when dealing with this person?  Anyway, the incident is merely another factor complicating things.

  I know in the future I have to pay more attention to the warning signs- when I feel I am slipping away a to  talk to Barney about it.  Right now though I have to find my way back, and I am unsure where to start.  What to do.  How to sort through the issues I am having as I am unclear WHAT the problem is exactly.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Creating Our Own Nightmares

 Do you remember when you were younger and you had a nightmare?  I am not talking a really young child when you would climb into your parent's bed.  I mean when you were old enough to know that it was just a 'silly' dream, and there is nothing there in the dark that isn't there in the light. Perhaps your parent's still opened your door to check on you before they retired for the night.

 I had lots of nightmares growing up. VERY active imagination even in  Anyway, we lived in a bungalow and my room was at the end of an L shaped hallway.  My Dad would often turn on the hall light so he could 'see' in my room to check on me before he went to bed for the night.  Often I would have the first nightmare before he even went to bed.   I would lay there and listen to the goings on of the house and feel 'safe' knowing he was still awake.  I wouldn't get up though, because I was a 'big' girl now, and I could 'deal' with these irrational fears.  I would lay there, tears streaming down my face, scared, but also so angry at myself because I couldn't shake the scared feeling. 

   Before turing in for the night my Dad would open the door, and the light from the hall would shine a line across my bedroom floor, but he would never open the door wide enough to have the light hit my face- as a parent I know it was because he didn't want to disturb his Perfect Little Girl ( oh stuff it!  I was adorable!  lol).  Each time he did this after a nightmare, I prayed this would be the time that he opened the door just a little wider to see I was still awake and upset.  He never did.  It wasn't his fault. He thought I was fine.  How would he know I wasn't? 
   You know where I am going with this right? This has been me literally and figuratively in the past 2 weeks.  Last Friday night Barney and I did talk about my post Newbie Issues. (<- BTW Cat, thanks a million for teaching me how to do that!).  We talked about passive/aggressive temper tantrums.  How he noticed -  yay he notice !,( Hellen Keller could have picked up on that vibe last week).  So anyway, he said he planned to 'deal' with it...  Okay--- He didn't. 

  So Saturday, and Cook Together night was nice.  Nothing spectacular, but the earth can't move every week.  Talking on Friday night was good and it somewhat cleared the air, but it didn't strike a cord deep inside me.  I could still feel myself slipping away.  I should have really said something.  Instead,  this past weekI did most of the things I agreed to do when we started ttwd.  Actually not true, I did all the visual things I agreed to.  I dropped the aggressive part from last week's temper tantrum, and truth be told, I don't feel I was angry this week, I was just in-- suspended animation.

   Yesterday was to be the only FULL day that Barney and I were going to have alone together for at least 2 weeks.  Anyone who is well versed in my blog posts knows, this raises a RED flag.  Wilma puts too much expectation on one day- whether it be ttwd, or just spending time together.  I had already had it in my mind that this day was not going to work out- rationalizing this thought process from past experiences.

   I should have just put my big girl pants on and talked to Barney the night before and expressed my concerns/fears.  But why would you learn from your past mistakes ?  Wilma..pah!  It is so much  healthier for your relationship to set up a secret test that you are pretty sure your husband is going to fail.  I 'win'...he failed!  Soooooooooooooooooo not healthy.

   I suppose you don't need me to tell you yesterday was messy.  A cold front moved through Bedrock. 

   I wanted to talk to Barney, only I didn't trust my words.  Some of the things that came to mind were not healthy.  I had to sort out my feelings-whether I wanted to say these things just to hurt him, or because I truly believed them.  I was so hoping the latter was not true.  Not that the former was much better.

   I will spare you the messy details. I'll just give you the highlights so the HoHs out there can't yell at their computer screens...

    I was sitting at the table/computer actively doing my 'favourite' activity of late, crying, when Barney approached.  HoH tone " I thought you were going to do_______ today?'.  ( btw it was done 2 days ago but whatever)
 " Seriously?  I am sitting here CRYING and THAT is all you've got? " ( inserting earplugs so as not to hear you men yelling)

                                                       AND we're off....!

     I decided to bail...up the stairs I went...with " Don't you walk away from me ( insert my real name)"--- he never uses my name..or a nickname really -EVER
 Into our room I went, trying to slam the door- stupid over the door hanger grrrrr! He didn't follow...( oh test..and thoughts driving a bigger wedge between us)

     He would come upstairs for somethings over the next hour, but no matter how hard I willed him to open our bedroom door, it didn't happen.  So I lay there " Big, stupid -poo-poo-head"  <- Okay I really didn't think those exact words, but trust me they were equally as 'mature'.

    An hour later I emerged from our bedroom, no better off then when I went in.  More talk --
B- " I think you should go to the doctor and find out why you are not sleeping at night"

W- " Oh I KNOW why am not sleeping at night" ( again because I am not the big stupid poo poo head )

fight, fight, fight.

 I believe there was a " Don't talk to me like I am an idiot "  Thrown in there.
and then THIS came flying out of my mouth...( hold on while I dive under the table to hide from you people)

" You need to figure out what YOU think is going to work for this marriage, because clearly every idea I have brought up in the past 5 months doesn't work for YOU!"

B- " okay " 

W- Silence and tears..(  thinking...This it.  This is the end of  ttwd )

B- " I just want you to be happy ********.  Life is too short for you not to be happy in our marriage"

And with that he left............( Gee this day was Turing out SO much better than I had planned..NOT)

   He did return, with a clearer mind I suppose.  He had some things to take care of at the bank.  He then found out a little something there, that I hadn't exactly told him about.  A weight I was still carrying on my own.  I was relieved that he had discovered it, and oddly I felt very 'submissive' after his discovery.

    We decided to talk once the kids went to bed.  I had set up our bedroom with candles ( had to- I needed all the help in the lighting department I could get. I'm NOT a pretty crier). -Put on some soothing music-  laid out some food, and you guessed it -wine.  I then changed into what I wear to bed.  The mood was very conducive to talking, um, this night.

     It was very awkward and difficult at the start.  Funny how we choose a mate for life. We agree to 'share' our DNA to create new life together, yet is so difficult to talk about our fears, needs,- feelings with them.
We discussed what needed to be done to keep us on track.

    Maintenance is rearing it's head for good around here.  Barney feels that he needs the 'practice' I know I need it to keep my head/heart where it is to supposed to be- where I WANT it to be. In addition with older kids and work schedules this is going to have to be around to keep things under control, for lack of a better term, as things can't always be dealt with ASAP.  Barney also feels this will help him

   We discussed the ins and outs of spanking.- What was ineffective before, and what we both think might be solutions to these issues.  We have agreed it will be a work in progress on both our parts.

   Sheesh what a day/week.  We have both agreed that the distancing, then pushing him to take action was destructive, and that we both played our part in this.  I have agreed to 'try' to refrain from this behaviour, and he has agreed to stop that behaviour in its tracks before it gains speed.

  ***Back after a 'short' typing break, with a tender tush. LOL.  ***


   We feel closer again.  I feel more drawn to Barney's presence -. We are striving to make this work, and that is a HUGE relief! The  relief  comes from the fact that we have reassured each other we are  still going to roll the dice and aim for the ladder square!.

Leaving it there would have made an excellent ending eh?  But I have to thank the 'girls' yesterday who emailed me out of concern.  Taking the time and noticing that my responses to my post yesterday seemed off.  I guess my Dad was right, I don't have a poker face and this applies to the written word as well.  Thank you ladies!