I had lots of nightmares growing up. VERY active imagination even in sleep..lol. Anyway, we lived in a bungalow and my room was at the end of an L shaped hallway. My Dad would often turn on the hall light so he could 'see' in my room to check on me before he went to bed for the night. Often I would have the first nightmare before he even went to bed. I would lay there and listen to the goings on of the house and feel 'safe' knowing he was still awake. I wouldn't get up though, because I was a 'big' girl now, and I could 'deal' with these irrational fears. I would lay there, tears streaming down my face, scared, but also so angry at myself because I couldn't shake the scared feeling.
So Saturday, and Cook Together night was nice. Nothing spectacular, but the earth can't move every week. Talking on Friday night was good and it somewhat cleared the air, but it didn't strike a cord deep inside me. I could still feel myself slipping away. I should have really said something. Instead, this past weekI did most of the things I agreed to do when we started ttwd. Actually not true, I did all the visual things I agreed to. I dropped the aggressive part from last week's temper tantrum, and truth be told, I don't feel I was angry this week, I was just in-- suspended animation.
Yesterday was to be the only FULL day that Barney and I were going to have alone together for at least 2 weeks. Anyone who is well versed in my blog posts knows, this raises a RED flag. Wilma puts too much expectation on one day- whether it be ttwd, or just spending time together. I had already had it in my mind that this day was not going to work out- rationalizing this thought process from past experiences.
I should have just put my big girl pants on and talked to Barney the night before and expressed my concerns/fears. But why would you learn from your past mistakes ? Wilma..pah! It is so much healthier for your relationship to set up a secret test that you are pretty sure your husband is going to fail. I 'win'...he failed! Soooooooooooooooooo not healthy.
I suppose you don't need me to tell you yesterday was messy. A cold front moved through Bedrock.
I wanted to talk to Barney, only I didn't trust my words. Some of the things that came to mind were not healthy. I had to sort out my feelings-whether I wanted to say these things just to hurt him, or because I truly believed them. I was so hoping the latter was not true. Not that the former was much better.
I will spare you the messy details. I'll just give you the highlights so the HoHs out there can't yell at their computer screens...
I was sitting at the table/computer actively doing my 'favourite' activity of late, crying, when Barney approached. HoH tone " I thought you were going to do_______ today?'. ( btw it was done 2 days ago but whatever)
" Seriously? I am sitting here CRYING and THAT is all you've got? " ( inserting earplugs so as not to hear you men yelling)
AND we're off....!
I decided to bail...up the stairs I went...with " Don't you walk away from me ( insert my real name)"--- he never uses my name..or a nickname really -EVER
Into our room I went, trying to slam the door- stupid over the door hanger grrrrr! He didn't follow...( oh test..and fail...my thoughts driving a bigger wedge between us)
He would come upstairs for somethings over the next hour, but no matter how hard I willed him to open our bedroom door, it didn't happen. So I lay there " Big, stupid -poo-poo-head" <- Okay I really didn't think those exact words, but trust me they were equally as 'mature'.
An hour later I emerged from our bedroom, no better off then when I went in. More talk --
B- " I think you should go to the doctor and find out why you are not sleeping at night"
W- " Oh I KNOW why am not sleeping at night" ( again because I am not the big stupid poo poo head )
fight, fight, fight.
I believe there was a " Don't talk to me like I am an idiot " Thrown in there.
and then THIS came flying out of my mouth...( hold on while I dive under the table to hide from you people)
" You need to figure out what YOU think is going to work for this marriage, because clearly every idea I have brought up in the past 5 months doesn't work for YOU!"
B- " okay "
W- Silence and tears..( thinking...This it. This is the end of ttwd )
B- " I just want you to be happy ********. Life is too short for you not to be happy in our marriage"
And with that he left............( Gee this day was Turing out SO much better than I had planned..NOT)
He did return, with a clearer mind I suppose. He had some things to take care of at the bank. He then found out a little something there, that I hadn't exactly told him about. A weight I was still carrying on my own. I was relieved that he had discovered it, and oddly I felt very 'submissive' after his discovery.
We decided to talk once the kids went to bed. I had set up our bedroom with candles ( had to- I needed all the help in the lighting department I could get. I'm NOT a pretty crier). -Put on some soothing music- laid out some food, and you guessed it -wine. I then changed into what I wear to bed. The mood was very conducive to talking, um, this night.
It was very awkward and difficult at the start. Funny how we choose a mate for life. We agree to 'share' our DNA to create new life together, yet is so difficult to talk about our fears, needs,- feelings with them.
We discussed what needed to be done to keep us on track.
Leaving it there would have made an excellent ending eh? But I have to thank the 'girls' yesterday who emailed me out of concern. Taking the time and noticing that my responses to my post yesterday seemed off. I guess my Dad was right, I don't have a poker face and this applies to the written word as well. Thank you ladies!