Here's the thing. Rote memory works for a reason. You finally remember. BUT what if you eventually process the information in such a way that contradicts itself ? What if in your twisted little cave woman mind you decide that by giving him time, not rushing him and being patient means you are to stay silent. HEAR me out HoHies out there.
For the past well almost two weeks, which in the span of a life time is a drop in the bucket, but for those in the new of ttwd can seem like a lifetime, I have been growing distant. I then turned into passive aggressive
Remember how I couldn't put my finger on what was actually wrong to talk to Barney about? Yeah...so kind of difficult to talk about something if you don't know what it is. (Well not true again..Clearly I can ramble about nothing!) The issue is fixing something when you don't know what it is that needs fixing. I suppose I know what needs fixing, but to talk about that I would assume it would be beneficial to know how it got 'broken' in the first place. Once that is figured out, it should be NO problem fixing it then right? Uh Huh..see above paragraph.
So lets get to this week. Indifference is replaced by fear. I suppose it is something. I mean it isn't indifference right? Indifference-the absence of emotion. We are to go away this weekend, no not for Thanksgiving, it just happens to work out that way. We are going to visit my Mom and her husband. My oldest sister ( picture older Willie, but um, well better behaved, until younger Willie shows up) and her kids and grand kids will be there too. I SHOULD be ecstatic- and I am..I can't wait to see my little man. He's 3 1/3 and absolutely hilarious- of course he just wants 3 rd in Line to the Throne, but anyway. I am excited to see my family. We have such a fantastic time together.
The fear is, if I don't get whatever is going on inside of me 'fixed' before we go, when we come back I'll be too far gone.
I have almost returned to the old me, before Dd. The transformation is almost complete. I am still doing my 'things I'm supposed to' - well with the exception of exercise, ( Zip it Lucy, you can't yell at me twice for the same thing). It is HOW I am living the rest of my day. How my head and heart are working this whole thing out. See right there is a problem isn't it.?..ME..MY...I...no WE. .. US.
Oh I know what I am supposed to do, it actually pops into my mind. Barney is home I should go greet him at the door. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The 'Great Divide" has returned ( mentally) in our bed. I KNOW I need to go to him. I need to show him my submissive self and this makes his dominant side flourish--there is a flip side to that coin though, isn't there?
So THAT is it. Before you start yelling at you computer ...this is NOT about spanking. I've been spanked. The blasted spoon even broke. No it wasn't a punishment spanking. It was maintenance. Unfortunately for all involved, my head wasn't in the game. I tried, I really did, but try as I might to pay attention to what was going on 'back there', the scuff mark on the wall kept gaining my attention. So now I have a bruised butt, again, I'm down a wooden spoon, and no resolution. I suppose I was hoping I could be spanked into place. Not so.
Finally I turned to an outside voice. I wouldn't say the advice was much different than I had heard before, just worded differently. It was the questions that were posed to me that had me thinking. The answer didn't come right away. There was no GRAND ah ha moment. I decided after our discussion ( thank you by the way) to lay down. I haven't done this in such a long time, successfully anyway. I think best right before I fall asleep. It is like the other 'stuff' drops away and the solution emerges. Well it USED to work that way anyway. Thank God today it worked.
Have you ever had the solution to the problem right there, but you don't implement it because you don't believe it will work? You don't try because you need to know the why before the how can be effective? Well I am that person. For the past couple of weeks I have been driving my self crazy ( yes, yes, short trip) trying to figure out WHY I couldn't get back to the place I wanted to be. We communicate. In fact it has been easier and there have been short conversations instead of long Willie letters like at the beginning and...HOLD THE PHONE ! That is it. I haven't been communicating effectively.
At the beginning I would pour my heart out, in print, but still there it was, out there to see. Out there for Barney to process, at his own speed. No tone, no cutting each other off because we have talked about it already...etc. I thought we were getting better at communication, and we were, but somewhere along the line, most likely with my frustration of stagnancy, I didn't give it my all. I was too afraid to not be patient- to take over, to rush him, to not let him make this his own, that I silenced myself TOO much, ( again I know it is hard for YOU to see Willie and silenced in the same sentence). I only casually mentioned what I desired-what I thought would make me feel more submissive. In essence I walled myself back up again. I didn't communicate effectively, and my frustration with us, and then in turn myself, made me more closed off and distant.
So now I go and write...I'll start with my email conversation today. Most of 'my issues' are in there. Then to the blog post, and then a letter. I do feel so much better already though. - I know see above paragraphs. I'm not saying this is the solution, but it feels more right than any of the other times. If this feeling continues, meeting him past the middle shouldn't be as difficult as I thought half way through today.
One Cautiously Optimistic