Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hold the Phone !

 So  as a Dd wife, if you had a penny for every time someone told you to 'talk to him' or be patient, it takes time, don't rush him etc... well you wouldn't be rich but you would have a good handful of change-- to pitch at someone!  So yes, see the mind set I have been in


   Here's the thing. Rote memory works for a reason.  You finally remember.  BUT  what if  you  eventually process the information in such a way that contradicts itself ?  What if in your twisted little cave woman mind you decide that by giving him time, not rushing him and being patient means you are to stay silent.  HEAR me out HoHies out there. 

    For the past well almost two weeks, which in the span of a life time is a drop in the bucket, but for those in the new of ttwd can seem like a lifetime, I have been growing distant. I then turned into passive aggressive brat  wife. But Willie you say, we told you what a bad girl you were, and you talked to Barney and you fixed it. Not -exactly. I put a patch on it.  Well it worked for a while, then life got in the way and I grew distant again. I talked again to Barney. But THEN you were alright.  He gave you the TiH Appreciation night and things were better?  I was sincerely hoping so too.

   Remember how I couldn't put my finger on what was actually wrong to talk to Barney about? kind of difficult to talk about something if you don't know what it is.  (Well not true again..Clearly I can ramble about nothing!)  The issue is fixing something when you don't know what it is that needs fixing. I suppose I know what needs fixing, but to talk about that I would assume it would be beneficial to know how it got 'broken' in the first place.  Once that is figured out, it should be NO problem fixing it then right?  Uh Huh..see above paragraph.

    So lets get to this week. Indifference is replaced by fear.  I suppose it is something.  I mean it isn't indifference right? Indifference-the absence of emotion.  We are to go away this weekend, no not for Thanksgiving, it just happens to work out that way.  We are going to visit my Mom and her husband.  My oldest sister ( picture older Willie, but um, well better behaved, until younger Willie shows up) and her kids and grand kids will be there too.  I SHOULD be ecstatic- and I am..I can't wait to see my little man.  He's 3 1/3 and absolutely hilarious- of course he just wants 3 rd in Line to the Throne, but anyway.  I am excited to see my family.  We have such a fantastic time together. 

The fear is, if I don't get whatever is going on inside of me 'fixed' before we go, when we come back I'll be too far gone. 

I have almost returned to the old me, before Dd. The transformation is almost complete.  I am still doing my 'things I'm supposed to' - well with the exception of exercise, ( Zip it Lucy, you can't yell at me twice for the same thing).  It is HOW  I am living the rest of my day.  How my head and heart are working this whole thing out.  See right there is a problem isn't it.? WE. .. US.

   Oh I know what I am supposed to do, it actually pops into my mind.  Barney is home I should go greet him at the door.  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  The 'Great Divide" has returned ( mentally) in our bed. I KNOW  I need to go to him. I need to show him my submissive self and this makes his dominant side flourish--there is a flip side to that coin though, isn't there?

   So THAT  is it. Before you start yelling at you computer ...this is NOT about spanking.  I've been spanked.  The blasted spoon even broke.  No it wasn't a punishment spanking.  It was maintenance.  Unfortunately for all involved, my head wasn't in the game.  I tried, I really did, but try as I might to pay attention to what was going on 'back there', the scuff mark on the wall kept gaining my attention.  So now I have a bruised butt, again, I'm down a wooden spoon, and no resolution.  I suppose I was hoping I could be spanked into place.  Not so.

   Finally I turned to an outside voice.  I wouldn't say the advice was much different than I had heard before, just worded differently.  It was the questions that were posed to me that had me thinking.  The answer didn't come right away.  There was no GRAND ah ha moment.  I decided after our discussion ( thank you by the way) to lay down.  I haven't done this in such a long time, successfully anyway.  I think best right before I fall asleep. It is like the other 'stuff' drops away and the solution emerges.  Well it USED to work that way anyway.  Thank God today it worked. 

   Have you ever had the solution to the problem right there, but you don't implement it because you don't believe it will work?  You don't try because you need to know the why before the how can be effective?  Well I am that person. For the past couple of weeks I have been driving my self crazy ( yes, yes, short trip) trying to figure out WHY  I couldn't get back to the place I wanted to be.  We communicate.  In fact it has been easier and there have been short conversations instead of long Willie letters like at the beginning and...HOLD THE  PHONE !  That is it.  I haven't been communicating effectively. 


   At the beginning I would pour my heart out, in print, but still there it was, out there to see.  Out there for Barney to process, at his own speed. No tone, no  cutting each other off because we have talked about it already...etc.  I thought we were getting better at communication, and we were, but somewhere along the line, most likely with my frustration of stagnancy, I didn't give it my all.  I was too afraid to not be patient- to take over, to rush him, to not let him make this his own, that I silenced myself  TOO much, ( again I know it is hard for YOU to see Willie and silenced in the same sentence).  I only casually mentioned what I desired-what I thought would make me feel more submissive. In essence I walled myself back up again.  I didn't communicate effectively, and my frustration with us, and then in turn myself, made me more closed off and distant.

So now I go and write...I'll start with my email conversation today.  Most of 'my issues' are in there.  Then to the blog post, and then a letter.  I do feel so much better already though. - I know see above paragraphs.  I'm not saying this is the solution, but it feels more right than any of the other times.  If this feeling continues, meeting him past the middle shouldn't be as difficult as I thought half way through today.

One Cautiously Optimistic



  1. Hey Willie,

    Writing is the best processing tool for me too. I'm hoping it works for you. I'll be thinking of you. Best of luck.

    1. Hey TL

      I have been writing constantly, but I suppose without much luck on the old processing front. I am hoping this is works because I'm at a loss if it doesn't :)

      Thanks for the well wishes


  2. Hope this works for you Willie. It's better than a bruised butt and losing wooden spoons.

    1. Well Sunny I'm pretty sure the bruised butt isn't going anywhere soon..what can I say? I blame the British heritage on that one...oh how I long for my mother's French Canadian

      As for the wooden spoons, I wonder what will happen if I don't replace them? ...oh eek...we still have that blasted silicone spatula thingie...well off to buy another spoon I guess. How demented is that? Buy your own torture implements?

    2. Get the silicone spatula thing out of your house. They leave a burn like the lava of Mt.Vesuvius - don't do another thing until you destroy that sucker, take it value village, cut it up with your kitchen shears, put it down the garbage disposal - anything, just get rid of it. Having a colourful silicone spatula where an HoH can see it, is like having a loaded handgun around a bored toddler.......
      There should really be a disclaimer on them: Not recommended for households practicing dd. Keep out of the hands of spanky husbands.

    3. Well I've already had an intimate incounter with the darned spatula! It was my first and only punishment spanking ( because IAN I AM GOOD!). Anyway, so NOT enjoyable. I am starring at it in my sink at the moment, all clean from doing its 'rightful' duties. Hmm..ya know my utencil drawer is a little full. I don't use it for my cakes anyway....*wink*

  3. Hey Willie - If I understand correctly, and please accept my apologies if I have misunderstood, you went from well written (possibly lengthy) reports that Barney could read and extract what he needed to a short synopsis of what you think he needed. In doing so, Barney was left with minimal info to perform his HoH'y duties. Did I get that correct?

    Sounds to me like you've got a handle on the situation and the fix which means you and Barney are gonna be just fine moving forward. :)

    Have a safe trip and a wonderful time with your family.


    1. Oh SURE get right to the point Cat! LOL..and 'possibly lengthy' ? lmbo!

      I really hope this is the issue Cat. For 2 weeks I've been walking around here trying to figure out how it was so much 'easier' to come back to the place I wanted to be at in the beginning. I kept thinking it was because it was new and the changes so great that it was rewarding, and that was my motivation- and to a degree I am sure that is it. But that thought process was running on a loop in my mind. It wasn't until I remembered how I dealt with my 'issues' at the beginning of ttwd that my mind started to move in a different direction.
      I also bought a copy of The Surrendered Wife. Who knows? Time will tell, but although I don't feel perfect, I feel 'lighter' than I have in quite some time. I feel hope I suppose.

      I shall enjoy my time with the women of my family- the laughs never stop when my sister and I are together! I just hope we don't get snowed in. Yup that's it Willie keep the myth going that Canada is the North

      Enjoy your Thanksgiving Cat!

      Love Willie

  4. Sometimes when I am having a hard time, venting and purging thoughts help....then I go to sleep, and wake up and all is good. I am not kidding, it really does happen to me. I also find if we can laugh together all is patched. I don't thing the same thing works every time a fix is needed. Especially when we cannot put our finger on the problem.
    I hope things work out!

    1. Thanks Minelle.

      I actually didn't get to write any letter to Barney last night, as I just posted this at 11 PM. He did read the blog and my email conversation last night.

      I was still awake when he came to bed. He thanked me for the blog and told me how he loves to read what I write. :) . When he climbed into bed, he resumed his nightly tranformation into a woman sufficating octopus. Last night I didn't mind though, and we held hands. He said, " I missed this. You "

      So things are better. The nightly routine didn't change- although did you know you can get a back rub and it DOESN'T have to lead to sex? True story, it has happened TWICE anyway the routine didn't change but the emotion behind it did last night. That is very hopeful in my mind- and let's face it my MIND has always been the problem :)

    2. Hey Chica :) The above report to Minelle made a few things very clear to me:

      1. Barney loves you so much
      2. He appreciates you
      3. He takes the time to read your thoughts and words - he listens
      4. The result of your efforts to write to him your thoughts? He
      snuggles you and verbalizes that he's missed you

      I think you've both done good. :)

    3. In truth Elisa, the first 2 on your list I never really doubted even before ttwd.

      Happy Thanksgiving to you


  5. Hi Willie,

    I'm glad you were able to work out what you need to do. Writing is a great processing tool and we have found the blog an excellent communication tool as well. I poor out on the blog, he reads, we discuss etc.

    I hope it works for you and that you are abel to get back to where you want to be.

    Love and Hugs

    1. Thanks Roz.

      I have been writing, just not the right stuff :) Then again, I didn't know how to process what was going on therefore he couldn't through my writing either.

      Lesson learned I hope---oh I kill me...who am I kidding?

      Have a great weekend.



  6. I am not going to add to your stash of cash.
    I'll hear you out.
    Having heard you out, I can tell you this: My fingers are a lot more smarter than I am.
    When I don't know what to do anymore, I just start typing it all out.
    Some time later I read it back and everything seems to be falling in its place.
    Defining and describing the problem is more than halfway to the solution!

    Have a nice Thanksgiving weekend.
    Drive carefully.

    1. Thanks for the well wishes Bas ( even though, I know you know it isn't Thanksgiving here- not that I am not Thankful)

      You could add to my cash stash...especially if you have any Dutch guilder still kicking around. It is so beautiful ( the $50 was my favourite).

      I agree with you Bas, defining the problem is more than half way to the solution- too bad it sometimes takes a while to get to the half way point. Here is to moving forward.

      The weather here is unseasonably warm which will be good for driving.

      Have a wonderful Anniversary weekend!


  7. Hi again, Willie. I had to respond to this with a short (optimistic here) response to say, I UNDERSTAND THIS COMPLETELY. Not shouting, just emphasizin.

    D doesn't break my wooden spoons over me, though. I'm not sure how that would play out...

    Anyway, I just wanted to say hi. I'm making rounds this morning to say Happy Thanksgiving or Happy Thankful Thursday. Blessings!


  8. Well hello for a 3rd time today Irishey.

    I should explain, it must be my buns of steel from all my excercising....oh wait, that can't be it *wink* He wasn't wailing away or anything- obviously as I was concerned with washing my walls, it must have been cracked already--um the spoon.

    Well you enjoy your Thanksgiving ( all that food! Holy smokes no wonder you have been running around like crazy!) and I'll enjoy my Thankful Thursday!


  9. Hey Willie
    I find that a lot of what I write - I write for myself. I read it and sometimes what I was trying to understand is right there. You sound to me like your epiphanies are leading you in a direction toward self awareness. That is what I have been aiming for all along...I can be a better, happier, more loving person when I know myself and what motivates me.
    Way to go - because it is hard to get this process started.
    Hugs and love
    and drive safely
    it is a snowstorm here today in my part of Canada
    and Ian says "be good" (he says you will know what that means ?)

  10. Grrrrrrrrrrr...*IAN!!!* ( feeling the love btw) I am vitually throwing my silicone spatula at you RIGHT NOW! ( hey he's not my HoH). Be good ..Pah..I'm ALWAYS good-

    Now that that bit of nastiness is over...hrmph

    I hope you are right Lillie because these couple of weeks have been especially draining. I had a sincere feeling of the loss of hope- and that is so very unlike me.

    Snow eh? Sheesh, it is going to be 11 degrees here today. Practically shorts

    to BOTH of you


  11. MM says you should fix that scuff on the wall so that it doesn't remain a distraction. He says you only get one pearl of wisdom a day. Grin.

    Oh good grief...and I'm stuck in the car with this man for hours today.

    Good job Willie...half the battle really is getting outside your own head and trying something different, or new, or old. It was so encouraging to see in your comments that the tone was different in your bedtime "snuggling" last night. If you come up with a solution for us ladies with overactive brains...who over think everything and end up caught in our own let me know. This stuff happens to me too and in the fog it is so hard to see your way out of it. I'm proud of you. Have a fun weekend with your family and when you feel yourself getting too distant, try leaving whatever you are doing, go find Barney, grab his hand and just be still for a few moments. Might not work for you but it helps me a ton.

    1. Gee thanks MM. Between you and Ian now I have 2 more things to do today! Thank God Bas just wished me a good weekend! HoHs sheesh.


      Getting out of my head was brought on by a certain someone, who got me to ask the right questions to myself. So I thank you so much for that Susie :) The fog has definitely thinned, now I just have to let myself trust my husband to be my light house.

      Btw..feel your pain- I'll be 'stuck' in the car for hours tomorrow with the B man myself, and at night...nothing to stare at LOL

      Have a Wonderful Weekend.

      Love Willie