Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Longing for the Feelings of October

   As some of you may know I went away this past weekend to visit with family.  You may also recall that last week I was quite nervous about this because in my mind and heart my 'submission', 'surrender', 'deference', 'yeilding'- whatever flavour of ttwd you would like to choose- was not where I wished it to be.  While there were great times to be had with my family when we were in large distracting numbers,  I had a very difficult time with one on one.  Not one on one with Barney, as that never happened except for when we climbed in bed at night.  One on one with my Mom.  I was unfortunately, extremely distracted while spending time with her as well.

  I do have another blog post already written about an unusual conversation my sister had with me, that took up a great deal of my mind space this weekend.  I am just not sure if I will ever post it as it seems off to me.  Anyway, whether it was psycho semantic or not, I was unfortunately correct that our distance grew wider when we were there.

   I understand if you are confused at this point because of my previous post discussing my reading of the book The Surrendered Wife.  I do still stand behind everything I said in that post.  I suppose if you were wanting an explanation as to why everything seems to have gone down hill from there, I would just say that I was desperately grasping at the flicker of hope the book was giving me.  The little positive stirrings inside.  Those feelings were perched upon the negative and I so wanted the positive to overpower the negative for good.  Like a candle lighting a corner in a darkened room



  Today was to  be our only full day off together for a really long time.  Once again I felt the pressure of this weighing me down in my already fragile state.  I was unsure if Barney took note of our situation, as he did not mention maintenance for this week.  Last week he had decided that we would have maintenance at least once a week, and discuss our issues in bed every morning when possible.  Also, we would  bring forward blog posts to each other that would help us.  None of these things have happened. 

  My sweet,bulldozer- like friend...that is to say, um, persuasive friend, Lucy told me I had to talk to Barney about all of this.  About how I still wasn't feeling the way I wanted to.  I say told because I wasn't convinced it was going to change anything, but I wrote a letter anyway.  I told her I didn't have anything to say that hasn't been said before again, and again.  Finally she said to just tell him I am struggling.  As far as Wilma letters go this one was not pretty.  I stated that I didn't really feel like writing this letter; that I was all talked out and that communication as of late seems to get us nowhere.  I told him that I have been rereading my blog posts from October and although I remember the events, I can't for the life of me remember the actual feelings I felt back then, but I so desperately want to feel that way again. I mentioned that we only ever seem to grow as a couple after I have some major melt down and that I just don't think I have it in me anymore for that.  I finally told him I felt further away then I did before we even started ttwd and not only was I detached from him, I was now detaching myself from others too.




  I wanted him to know that he was not to blame solely for this but I did tell him I was struggling and somehow I needed help.  I wasn't even sure that was possible-or what form that help could possibly come in. 

  When he came to bed last night he asked if he could talk.  I listened.  Initially he started off with the blame game.  I quickly and in as few words as possible informed him that he has taken over a great deal of responsibilities already around here.  It was us we had to work on.  He asked me to lay my head on his chest, which I did.  He then said,

" You really are all talked out aren't you?"

" Yes"

After several minutes, he garnered the courage to ask,

" Have your feelings changed for me since we've been married "

"No"

Exhale " Good.  Okay then"

More silence followed by

 " I don't want you to give up"

  I let the tears silently run down my face, once again not knowing what this meant for us.  After a while I was uncomfortable, so I rolled over and went to sleep.  Unfortunately sleep only came for a few hours.

  This morning Barney was out of bed before I was, doing my morning ritual.  I sat at the table lost.  Unresolved.  Sad.

  I was pretty convinced that he had no plans to follow through with maintenance today. I  wasn't even sure if it was going to 'fix' anything or move us forward even if he had decided on it- but I have been grasping at straws as of late and I needed something.

  I told Barney in my letter that I have not only felt detached but so very alone.  I have all of you wonderful people here and I am truly grateful, but at the end of the day-  everyone has their own lives to live.

    There can't be a  more empty feeling  than being in a room filled with other people and having the feeling of being alone.  Nothing that is, except for  being in a room with your husband, the person you have pledged to spend your life with, to raise a family with, shared your dreams, gave your heart to, and feel all alone. 




    This is such a foriegn feeling for me.  Despite being a social butterfly, I have always enjoyed the peace found in my own company.  I can embrace the silence that falls between two people when nothing has to be said.  As hard as it may be to believe, I can sit in a room with someone breathing in their prescence, but not feeling the need to converse.  Lately I have felt anxiety-a neediness that has not been met, most likely the result of which caused the alone feeling.  Not only have I felt alone but empty and adrift.  The feeling that the rest of the world is happily chugging along, bypassing me without a second glance.  I have been left to float away.




                               These were the feelings  that have been engulfing me for the past while . 

 

   After everyone left for the day, Barney disappeared I resumed my now 'favourite' place, my bed with the wet pillow.  Eventually I was not physically alone.  I lay there and listened as he spoke.  Once again he went on about how he had failed us, and once again I tried in vain to stop that line of thinking.  So finally I began to ask questions as to why he thought that was. I'll spare you everything, suffice to say it is the same old same old.   This time there were tears on both sides.  I mentioned that I wished I had kept my 'new findings' to myelf 2 months ago.  Back then only one of us was upset enough to cry and mourn our relationship.

   I was angry and hurt that he forgot  the information he had read about, things I had given  -things that answered his questions on why maintenance last week might not have worked.  This was the reason he was reluctant to go there again this week.  Although he did say he WAS going to, he just hadn't planned when...sigh.. He then admitted that he didn't make the time to find answers to his questions on his own, even though he had plenty of time.  I handed him the material again and left him too it.

  He finished rereading what I had given him last week and then proceeded to go through our blog roll and where ever else his clicking fingers took him.  I was trying to gain what little sanity I had remaining by talking to another friend.  Finally I heard him leave our bedroom and go downstairs.  My heart sunk. I was giving him time to process, but my fear was that we were not going to work this out today.  I suppose I realized this was a bigger issue than one maintenence day anyway.  I so desperately just wanted some indication of movement.  I chance for growth perhaps -to dismiss the obvious stagnancy in  ttwd at the moment.

  What seemed like forever, but was most likely mere minutes he appeared in the room I had chose to distance myself in this time.  He began to discuss how once again we were going to schedule a regular maintenance session.  How  I  needed to know this to keep my mind at ease, and how he needed it to remember to do it.  He explained how he was very concerned about how things were going to play out once the kids were home for 2 weeks over Christmas- a potentially stressful time around here.  Once more our blog discussions were brought up.  He suggested doing so on our cook together nights.  Also together we must remember to find time to talk about our daily issues.  He then took my hand and asked me if I was ready?

  Despite the fact that I was about to be OTK I felt a little relieved.  My first, yes I said first spanking of the day was administered solely by his hand.  There was a slight sting, but primarily it just, um settled the blood in all the right/wrong areas.  When he told me we were finished, I sat back on my heels and he looked at me closely. 

 " That wasn't enough was it ?'

" Um, not really.  Can I ask why you didn't use the wooden spatula?"

" I couldn't find it" 

So after I showed him it was right where he left it last week, back OTK I went- for a really long time.  Finally he stopped, keeping me in position.

" I think this is only getting you turned on."

I giggled...

" I am seriously going to have to start working out! My arm is sore"


" Well I suppose there are other ways to show your dominance"

*wink*

  Are things back to  the way they were in October?  No.  Are they better than yesterday? Yes.  For now they are a little better, but I have to tell you at the risk of sounding negative, I feel like I am walking on the edge.  I feel like it will not take much for me to stumble.




Hopefully this will not happen.  If it does, hopefully we will find a resolution together sooner.  Neither one of us ignoring the signs hoping that they will disappear or magically fix themselves.









21 comments:

  1. Well, I would pretend to act offended that you likened me to a bulldozer, but you listened...so whatever (insert eye roll here)!

    I was really just worried that if you said nothing...that you would spiral....and it would be harder to dig out of a hole that kept getting bigger.

    Men just process these things differently than we do. I swore because Ryan kept forgetting the schedule and other stuff that he just did not care....but truly they just don't think of these things in the same ways that we do.

    Anyway...I am here for you....you are not alone :) And I know I am a ways away...but I get what you are going through...and I promise there is another side. Keep talking....run to him, not away....you've got this :)

    I love ya...even though you call me names...

    Deep down...you know I am always right....bwahahhaha! ;)

    Love ya....

    Lucy :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wilma,
    I truly hope things are on an upswing for you Willie. I don't want you to feel alone. The balloon pic has me very sad for you. He's trying and if I have learned anything from reading these blogs...sometimes it takes a little time. Sometimes I feel like I can't give advice since I am not doing what you do, but my heart is with you.
    Bea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gosh I hate when blogger does that...flips around the comments!

      Anyway..Hey Bea!

      You shouldn't ever feel that you can't give advice, because honestly the heart of our blogs is achieving better relationships with our spouses... well some are strickly about kinky stuff...and I'm can't speak for you whether or not you can give advice about that *wink*

      The balloon picture really did speak to me today. It is never a good sign when you are using the seach words, alone, adrift, distance, pushed down, on the edge, when you are looking for ways to express yourself in a post. Unfortunately that is exactly how I felt. Things are a little better, and tomorrow is another day.

      Thanks Bea

      Willie

      Delete
  3. So you lurk in the shadows for multiple blog posts and then you pretend to be insulted that I likened you to a bulldozer..I already told you it had nothing to do with your current pregnant state---I'm sure you'll be a bulldozer long after Gracie is born !

    I know you are and have been here for me, and I appreciate it. I really do. It can just get so very lonely at times, even though you have read that other people have gone through similar issues.

    I enjoyed the joke you made about always being right...like I haven't shed enough tears today! Thanks for that.

    Willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are welcome...I thought you needed to have some tears from laughter for a change :)

      If I didn't give a rat's patootie what happened to you and Barney I wouldn't bulldoze you....I only use my persuasive magic on the one's I love :)

      I know what you mean about lonely...this way of life can do that to you sometimes. It is not like you can just tell everyone what is going on. I have told you that my BF since I was 4 has NO idea...and man that is hard. It is like you can't share all of you with the people who are supposed to know you the best.

      Anyway....I will let you know when the house next to mine goes up for sale :) I will give you Gracie's 3am feeding....because I love ya that much.

      Hang in there

      ~Lucy

      Delete
    2. Are you texting and driving? Or was your going out just a excuse to stop talking to me?

      Sure I'll do Gracies 3 am feeding, I'm up half the night anyway..Not sure M.Ryan would want 'the troublemaker' next door though.

      Delete
  4. A husband who cries with you, mixing his tears with yours, is a husband who loves and treasures you - and a husband who is not leaving you to work through this alone.

    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Argh..stupid e-reader!

      Hopefully he won't leave me again to work through things- But sometimes when you push, people leave :)

      Delete
  5. I agree with Elisa...he cried with you, he put in the effort today to read and process things, that man loves you, he wants things to be better also and will not leave you to go through this alone.
    "He then took my hand and asked me if I was ready" I had butterflies in my stomach when I read this part. Not just because I knew what was coming but because it shows that he wants this too.
    Be patient and give him some time...I know easier said than done. It's either that or I will send the "bulldozer" over to knock some sense into you. lol
    You are not alone my friend, we are all here for you,
    Emma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As I have said before, the love for me was never in doubt. It has never once crossed my mind in the 17 years we have been married or the 2 we were together before that...he'll tell you two more years before that even.

      At one point when he said he didn't remember the contents of one of the only 3 things I gave him after our last heart wrenching discussion- where once again he made a playbook, I turned to him as said " If it was an interview with__________ (the quarterback for his football team) you would have remembered every word". ( This thing I gave him btw included my own words and that of a fellow Dd wife) He agreed, and went on to say that he could understand how I could feel that I wasn't important to him. So this is why I felt very much alone in this..because at times I was indeed.


      No I don't think from now on I will be alone, at least not too often. I contributed to this place we are in as well I am not denying that.

      AND Amazing Kreskin, you knew what was going to happen because I told you this afternoon! lol ...Some psychic you are!

      I know you are with me my fellow Perv. It is just once you are down, your mind continually finds ways to keep you there. I am not used to that.

      Willie

      Delete
  6. Darlin' Willie - I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. Elisa is so right. BTW, Barney might be acting a bit slower than what you would like during this bump (ok hill) in the road, but he hasn't given up!

    Hang in there sweetie and reach out to any and all of us if you need a pep talk, encouragement, an ear, or your tushie kicked. ;) Is there anything I can do for you? Sending lots of warm hugs and prayers your way.

    Blessings,
    Cat

    ReplyDelete
  7. I honestly didn't feel as if he was moving slower. I was willing to wait for the rest of the 'stuff' I just wanted him to follow through. I had pretty much figured there wasn't ever going to be any big HoH stuff happening around here. ( mostly because I am SUCH an Angel) But *he* wanted, or said he did, maintenance.

    As was mentioned in the post he was leary about how to go about it due to my lack of concentration during our last session. Ironically, things like this were the reason he wanted to have maintenance- to become more comfortable and to figure things out.

    Turns out we both have been guilty of just hoping things would get better on their own. They won't. We also can't sit back and let the other do the work or take the blame. We are in this together even if there is a lot of push/pull action going on.



    Thanks for your kind words Cat

    ReplyDelete
  8. Willie, I don't know how you make me smile and feel good and hopeful about your relationship, while simultaneously making me feel your heartache, sadness and confusion, while still feeling how tired and listless you are from wishing you didn't have to deal with all this...this ucky stuff.

    I agree with Elisa and Emma - Barney is in this with you. I don't understand some of the same things about D that you describe as not understanding about Barney. Maybe some of the other HoH's will keep trying to explain some of this, even if it means breaking the man-code of silence a little bit.

    Vulnerability makes us crazy. It’s hard enough to drop those walls so we can be seen, to pour out our hearts about our innermost needs and desires, and hope our partner responds in kind. It’s difficult to share our confusion and want him to share his, so we can come to mutual understanding about things that have been murky. I think this is part of the crux of what is going on with you.

    The weight of wishing we didn't have to go through all the hard communicating, the misunderstandings, the struggle to make ourselves understood. To understand how, what and why our partners feel and do the things they do, or things they don't do/say that can leave us feeling neglected or (perhaps worse) a needy burden...yep, crazy-making stuff.

    I went on and on, and deleted all the rest of what I wrote, but I think I can summarize it by saying everyone is giving you good advice: Patience and communication are key. Wouldn't it be great if those two things weren't so difficult to have/do?

    At the end of the day, we all do have our own lives. You're part of those lives of ours. We may not be fixing dinner for Emma, picking up Roz's dirty socks, washing Elisa's dishes, feeding Lucy's baby, or filing Bea's paperwork, and I know you're not vacuuming my carpet, but we're here for you, there with you, across multiple time zone so someone is always available. You're not alone. You're never alone. (Gosh, that sounds Steven King-y ominous! Lol!)

    Hugs, my friend,

    Irishey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *"I don't know how you make me smile and feel good and hopeful about your relationship, while simultaneously making me feel your heartache, sadness and confusion, while still feeling how tired and listless you are from wishing you didn't have to deal with all this...this ucky stuff."*

      Well I am certainly happy that came through in my post Irishey, because that is exactly spot on. How I felt yesterday and still, although the last section not as great, today.

      We should be able to muddle through, but I won't lie at the moment it still feels like I have climbed up a very wet and muddy hill and my footing is still not secure-like the ground could give way under my feet if I shift my weight the wrong way. I am longing for more secure feelings again.

      Thank you for your lovely and yes VERY creepy comments about not being alone. I haven't exactly gotten used to reaching out to people yet ( quite Lusy, Emma and Lillie). I was even very hesitant to post this because the content seems to be a reoccuring theme in my posts as of late.

      Thanks for the hugs!

      Willie

      Delete
    2. Irishey, could you please come fix dinner for me? ;) The boss man is out of town and the kids are sick of fast food and take out.
      That would be great, Thanks!
      Emma

      Delete
  9. Oh Willie, I am so sorry your are going through a rough time. Hopefully things are starting to look up now.

    I agree with the others. Barney put in the effort today, did some reading and processing and cried with you and doesn't want you to go through this alone. I have every confidence you will get through this and grow together.

    Lucy, is right, men do processes things differently and it can feel to us al though they have given up, or don't place the same importance on working at this as we do, but it is not the case.

    Hang in there. My heart hurt reading that you feel alone. We are all here for you, whenever/whatever you need.

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz

      It would appear that the feeling of being alone has transformed into an emotion since starting ttwd. Perhaps it is a result of becoming more introspective? More than likely it is due to the fact that physically we can't chat with someone outside of our husbands about this. When we feel they don't desire to do so it gives a feeling of isolation. Unfortunately although the problem is a personal one between a husband and a wife, the emotions it creates seems to seap out into the world and to people we are unable to discuss said problems with.


      I guess this is all still so new, that my coping skills haven't been built up yet. The term raw pops up so often in conjunction with emotions and ttwd, I still have issues not building walls to escape those feelings.


      Well live and learn I guess

      Hugs back at ya

      W

      Delete
  10. Hi Willie,
    I am back! No, It wasn't a happy retreat. It was more of a burying my head in the ground sort of disappearance.
    Anyway, sorry but this is the way it is going to be for a while. Couple steps forward, some back , hopefully less steps back then you made forward, and occasionally you may even leap back.
    Through it all is stronger emotions and far less tolerance for things that before you may have suppressed and/or turned away from.
    I think we need to give up all expectations. Just keep reminding ourselves that they have committed themselves to us and this process and talk to them when they are not meeting our needs.
    I sounds to me as if he is still very unsure of himself. Questioning what he did wrong in the beginning of your marriage. It takes awhile to get them to understand that they did nothing wrong then. It was fine then the way things where going along in the beginning. It's was the best we knew how to do. Now, we want more.
    Have you noticed how many of us wanting and just starting this process are in our 40's?
    Hugs
    BB

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Blue Bird your presence alone has made my morning. I was so worried about you. I am glad that you have taken your head out of the sand to come up for air!

      I suppose in some ways I am taking issue with the fact that the devils advocate is making an appearence on my blog-- something I do quite often btw on other's blogs.

      I am fully aware that this all takes time for them, but understanding their need is difficult--it almost appears that we are to supress our need because they are 'newer' to this then us.

      Reminding each other to be patient is something that is quite common, but it doesn't make the recipient of such advice feel any better about themselves. If anything it can potentially make them feel worse- that they don't have the ability to see the other side of the issue. It doesn't make the pain and fear that the woman in the relationship is going through deminish in the least.


      Alrighty then...that came out just so nasty- and was by no means directed at you! Just venting in my commments section...guess I should have made a post about that, but I never really put words to my feelings about this before. I didn't recognize that I had THAT in me.

      Man this stuff is so complicated and has my emotions ALL over the flippin' map!- the only consistancy is that each and every emotion whether it be anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, relief, contentment, joy, happiness, are all accompanied by some sort of salty liquid leaking from my ocular orbs.

      I am really so happy you are back BB! I can't wait, no matter how messy it was, to read what happened during your absence.

      All My Love

      Willie

      Delete
  11. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

    Okay, so yeah...BAD.BAD.Blogger author.

    I hope I didn't dissuade anyone one from future comments with my last apparent tirade.

    It *IS* important to remind each other that we can have short comings that affect the process in which our Dd relationship grow. And it is MOST important to play the devil's advocate, for if we don't we will merely just keep fanning each other's fires- that is not at all helpful

    That being said, I still can't help ( as guilty as I feel about it) often feeling this way, and I know others feel that way too.

    However the truth hurts and does need to be said, even if it is not a favourable response. So please do continue to remind me to be patient, as clearly it is NOT sinking in.

    Thanks all

    ReplyDelete