I do have another blog post already written about an unusual conversation my sister had with me, that took up a great deal of my mind space this weekend. I am just not sure if I will ever post it as it seems off to me. Anyway, whether it was psycho semantic or not, I was unfortunately correct that our distance grew wider when we were there.
I understand if you are confused at this point because of my previous post discussing my reading of the book The Surrendered Wife. I do still stand behind everything I said in that post. I suppose if you were wanting an explanation as to why everything seems to have gone down hill from there, I would just say that I was desperately grasping at the flicker of hope the book was giving me. The little positive stirrings inside. Those feelings were perched upon the negative and I so wanted the positive to overpower the negative for good. Like a candle lighting a corner in a darkened room
Today was to be our only full day off together for a really long time. Once again I felt the pressure of this weighing me down in my already fragile state. I was unsure if Barney took note of our situation, as he did not mention maintenance for this week. Last week he had decided that we would have maintenance at least once a week, and discuss our issues in bed every morning when possible. Also, we would bring forward blog posts to each other that would help us. None of these things have happened.
My sweet,bulldozer- like friend...that is to say, um, persuasive friend, Lucy told me I had to talk to Barney about all of this. About how I still wasn't feeling the way I wanted to. I say told because I wasn't convinced it was going to change anything, but I wrote a letter anyway. I told her I didn't have anything to say that hasn't been said before again, and again. Finally she said to just tell him I am struggling. As far as Wilma letters go this one was not pretty. I stated that I didn't really feel like writing this letter; that I was all talked out and that communication as of late seems to get us nowhere. I told him that I have been rereading my blog posts from October and although I remember the events, I can't for the life of me remember the actual feelings I felt back then, but I so desperately want to feel that way again. I mentioned that we only ever seem to grow as a couple after I have some major melt down and that I just don't think I have it in me anymore for that. I finally told him I felt further away then I did before we even started ttwd and not only was I detached from him, I was now detaching myself from others too.
I wanted him to know that he was not to blame solely for this but I did tell him I was struggling and somehow I needed help. I wasn't even sure that was possible-or what form that help could possibly come in.
When he came to bed last night he asked if he could talk. I listened. Initially he started off with the blame game. I quickly and in as few words as possible informed him that he has taken over a great deal of responsibilities already around here. It was us we had to work on. He asked me to lay my head on his chest, which I did. He then said,
" You really are all talked out aren't you?"
After several minutes, he garnered the courage to ask,
" Have your feelings changed for me since we've been married "
Exhale " Good. Okay then"
More silence followed by
" I don't want you to give up"
I let the tears silently run down my face, once again not knowing what this meant for us. After a while I was uncomfortable, so I rolled over and went to sleep. Unfortunately sleep only came for a few hours.
This morning Barney was out of bed before I was, doing my morning ritual. I sat at the table lost. Unresolved. Sad.
I was pretty convinced that he had no plans to follow through with maintenance today. I wasn't even sure if it was going to 'fix' anything or move us forward even if he had decided on it- but I have been grasping at straws as of late and I needed something.
I told Barney in my letter that I have not only felt detached but so very alone. I have all of you wonderful people here and I am truly grateful, but at the end of the day- everyone has their own lives to live.
There can't be a more empty feeling than being in a room filled with other people and having the feeling of being alone. Nothing that is, except for being in a room with your husband, the person you have pledged to spend your life with, to raise a family with, shared your dreams, gave your heart to, and feel all alone.
This is such a foriegn feeling for me. Despite being a social butterfly, I have always enjoyed the peace found in my own company. I can embrace the silence that falls between two people when nothing has to be said. As hard as it may be to believe, I can sit in a room with someone breathing in their prescence, but not feeling the need to converse. Lately I have felt anxiety-a neediness that has not been met, most likely the result of which caused the alone feeling. Not only have I felt alone but empty and adrift. The feeling that the rest of the world is happily chugging along, bypassing me without a second glance. I have been left to float away.
After everyone left for the day, Barney disappeared I resumed my now 'favourite' place, my bed with the wet pillow. Eventually I was not physically alone. I lay there and listened as he spoke. Once again he went on about how he had failed us, and once again I tried in vain to stop that line of thinking. So finally I began to ask questions as to why he thought that was. I'll spare you everything, suffice to say it is the same old same old. This time there were tears on both sides. I mentioned that I wished I had kept my 'new findings' to myelf 2 months ago. Back then only one of us was upset enough to cry and mourn our relationship.
I was angry and hurt that he forgot the information he had read about, things I had given -things that answered his questions on why maintenance last week might not have worked. This was the reason he was reluctant to go there again this week. Although he did say he WAS going to, he just hadn't planned when...sigh.. He then admitted that he didn't make the time to find answers to his questions on his own, even though he had plenty of time. I handed him the material again and left him too it.
He finished rereading what I had given him last week and then proceeded to go through our blog roll and where ever else his clicking fingers took him. I was trying to gain what little sanity I had remaining by talking to another friend. Finally I heard him leave our bedroom and go downstairs. My heart sunk. I was giving him time to process, but my fear was that we were not going to work this out today. I suppose I realized this was a bigger issue than one maintenence day anyway. I so desperately just wanted some indication of movement. I chance for growth perhaps -to dismiss the obvious stagnancy in ttwd at the moment.
What seemed like forever, but was most likely mere minutes he appeared in the room I had chose to distance myself in this time. He began to discuss how once again we were going to schedule a regular maintenance session. How I needed to know this to keep my mind at ease, and how he needed it to remember to do it. He explained how he was very concerned about how things were going to play out once the kids were home for 2 weeks over Christmas- a potentially stressful time around here. Once more our blog discussions were brought up. He suggested doing so on our cook together nights. Also together we must remember to find time to talk about our daily issues. He then took my hand and asked me if I was ready?
Despite the fact that I was about to be OTK I felt a little relieved. My first, yes I said first spanking of the day was administered solely by his hand. There was a slight sting, but primarily it just, um settled the blood in all the right/wrong areas. When he told me we were finished, I sat back on my heels and he looked at me closely.
" That wasn't enough was it ?'
" Um, not really. Can I ask why you didn't use the wooden spatula?"
" I couldn't find it"
So after I showed him it was right where he left it last week, back OTK I went- for a really long time. Finally he stopped, keeping me in position.
" I think this is only getting you turned on."
" I am seriously going to have to start working out! My arm is sore"
" Well I suppose there are other ways to show your dominance"
Are things back to the way they were in October? No. Are they better than yesterday? Yes. For now they are a little better, but I have to tell you at the risk of sounding negative, I feel like I am walking on the edge. I feel like it will not take much for me to stumble.
Hopefully this will not happen. If it does, hopefully we will find a resolution together sooner. Neither one of us ignoring the signs hoping that they will disappear or magically fix themselves.